Today is the start to Genevieve's second season of Soccer Shots. Prior to this fall session, she participated in a summer session, and before that tried out a mommy & me gymnastics class in early spring. I want to discuss the value afforded to toddlers by participating in organized activities. 

Gymnastics 
When a friend suggested a local mommy & me gymnastics class, I jumped at the opportunity to enroll G. At the time, Genevieve was a few months under two. There were maybe 7 other babies and toddlers participating. Genevieve walked later than most (taking her first steps at 15 months but waiting until 18 months to prefer that to her power crawl). I thought that Gymnastics would be a great way to help her experiment with movement and develop coordination. She loved somersaults down the incline mat and running in a straight line along a path (the path was laminated paper on the floor to indicate where to place your hands to do a handstand, but G took them to be steppingstones to sprint along).

During her month of participation, she absolutely refused to sit for directions at circle time. In fact, the class was 45 minutes long, but Genevieve was always ready to go after 30 minutes. Rather than fight a fussy toddler (it was close to nap time after all) we'd simply wave and bow out early. I never saw this early departure as a "waste of money" because G was able to enjoy gymnastics for the time she was there, and I didn't need to juice out every minute to make it seem "worth it." There is a time to push and a time to let go, and I knew in this it was best to let go, and head home. 

Fortunately, day one her (very sweet and patient) coach told me "Don't worry about her following directions, you just follow her and wherever she decides to go." I was so grateful for her follow-the-child approach because I could focus on letting Genevieve explore and engage in her own way with the room, equipment, and people in the space (without being preoccupied with being polite). The coach would even walk around and give a suggestion or activity based on what we were playing with. We didn't choose to continue with gymnastics, but that doesn't mean we didn't find value in the experience. It's not to say either that I've written that off as something G won't do again. Instead, I see it as a meaningful opportunity for my toddler to be around an adult who gives directions (who is not a parent), other children around her age, different parents, and a unique and engaging environment to explore. In fact, Genevieve's love for running up and down those laminated paper rectangles reinforced my desire to try out a different activity that would better facilitate that interest and skill... soccer. 

Soccer Shots! 
For Genevieve's first Soccer Shots season we optioned for an outdoor field under a big tree near a creek (and also one of our favorite breweries). Genevieve was the only girl among six participants and was younger than most. She was just over two, and the group was for 2–3-year-olds. Genevieve was again blessed with a very sweet coach. In fact, she would always stay a bit after class, sitting under the big tree having a snack on her favorite large rock talking to "coach" who would ask her about colors and her favorite things.

Herding cats doesn't even begin to describe the chaos of trying to wrangle six toddlers in a field with little grass in the middle of an intense Texas summer... Many meltdowns, absolute refusals to participate, and water breaks filled the 30-minute practices. But to my surprise, G would sit on her soccer ball in whatever plastic ring color she chose for the day with her eyes and ears on her coach. It's not to say she'd follow the directions well (although she loved kicking the ball at home she most often just wanted to run or hit the ball with her hands at practice), but she would LISTEN to them. As I mentioned before, in gymnastics she was not about directions or group time at all, and while many other soccer players tuned out, she was one of three consistently tuning in. I believe the combination of being a bit older and having a group guided experience before helped improve her ability to focus. 

Towards the end of the season, G learned her Soccer Shots cheer and would perform it regularly and on the way to and from practice. She certainly enjoyed the running drills, and she would sob when the goals had to "go to sleep." She loved "coach" and cheering for her friends when it was time to practice kicking goals. She held hands with a three-year-old boy who helped her during one of the games and loved being outside in the fresh air. And I mean, the stickers... gotta love the stickers. 

Since Genevieve experienced one season of Soccer Shots already, and our new season would mean a new group of kids, a different coach, and a new location we wanted to prepare her for the changes. Earlier this weekend, we talked to G a about her prior season and described the changes. We often give Genevieve an overview of her day, and so we told her too how daddy would cook breakfast at home before and how we'd go to Lion Park after her class. This is actually a method I use ahead of doctor appointments--both her general and cardiology appointments. I find this practice helps her relax and understand what to expect. After we told her about her new Soccer Shots, she was excited and ready to go! 

Her new coach was very nice, there were three other toddlers (one of whom was a girl) and the indoor turf and AC were welcomed improvements. While Genevieve saw and really wanted to play with the yoga balls, she left them alone and kept decent attention throughout. When Genevieve needs a break, she often asks to use the potty. She asked twice to go but did not need to pee either time. I truly think she just needed a break and enjoys the one-on-one parent time when she's a bit over stimulated or bored. While this can be frustrating, Andrew and I take turns and balance taking her and asking her to hold it. She was moderately interested in the activities but said and signed "more horse!" for the drill that involved sprinting (no surprise). She had to hug the nets as the coach's assistant put them away, and I am looking forward to watching her participation in the weeks to come. 

I can't know what struggles Genevieve will have, joys she'll find, or skills she'll gain. But I know that Soccer Shots is an opportunity for Genevieve to explore and experience a little bit more of the vast world around her. She's two, so I am not trying to make her a soccer star or dreaming about a scholarship or Olympic medal. Instead, I am focusing on this tiny little human and helping her find confidence, growth, and fun in the safe and wonderful community she's a part of right now. Structured activities shouldn't predominate the lives of our toddlers, after all, at this stage of development, free and unstructured play is king. But there is certainly a place for these activities. One thing I know for certain is that while I never care what Genevieve is a part of, as a parent I will always require her to participate in something. I can't--and don't want to--choose what that is, but I certainly want to afford her myriad opportunities to uncover where she finds passion, joy, and fulfillment. 

Around the time G was 18 months, I sought recommendations for potty training resources. I assumed this was well before we'd tackle the milestone and figured it would give me time to read and digest the information ahead of getting started. I ordered the book that came with the greatest number of positive reviews--Jamie Glowacki's Oh Crap! Potty Training and tucked it away. A sweet neighbor reached out and gave me her kiddos' mini potty and stepstool-potty-seat cover. I kept the mini potty out and in our bathroom. Genevieve would sit on it and pretend to pee. 

Fast forward to the month before Genevieve's 2nd birthday, and I started listening to the companion podcast from author Jamie G. and had the realization, "Oh crap, Genevieve is showing multiple signs of capability." The author noted that the term "ready" is less effective than "capable" because when it comes to making a big jump (for us or our kiddos) we rarely feel fully *ready. * I realized that AND that I made a capital mistake ahead of potty training: keeping the mini potty out for her to "get used to." I put the potty up until we were going to begin, and I thought it was another good sign that G wanted to know where it went. I didn't judge my mistake, but simply pivoted based on the recommendation of the expert whose advice I was following. 

After binging several podcast episodes, I started on the audiobook Oh Crap! Potty Training. As someone who uses nap time to get a lot of chores done, this mode of taking in the information was easiest. Though I really liked having the physical book to use as a reference for timelines and to scan for trouble shooting a specific problem. The author suggested setting a date on the calendar to begin potty training if your child was showing signs of capability. I set ours for the Tuesday after G's second birthday (that Monday she had a doctor's appointment, so I wanted to wait for a totally normal day). Though as I read, I couldn't help but feel that Genevieve and I were ready now. I decided instead to start May 1st. Though I had to move our start date one day because Genevieve was getting her molars and was uncomfortable and dealing with a fever. Once her fever subsided, we were full steam ahead. 

[Setting Up] 
I mentioned that Genevieve was showing signs of capability, what do I mean by that? Well, she was interested in my business in the bathroom for starters. Because I flubbed and had the mini potty out ahead of potty training, she enjoyed sitting (or sometimes playing) on the potty. About one week ahead of us starting the potty-training process, she would go to the potty with a dry diaper on and pee in her diaper while sitting on the potty. G has always been an efficient and regular pooper. Each day she would poop once while standing and then immediately go to her changing table for you to take care of it. Some naps and nights she would wake dry and relieve herself while she was having a book read to her. These actions indicated that she was ready to be supported through the potty-training milestone. 

​

Dear G, 

While I am technically writing this two months after you turned twenty-four months, I figure better late than never. In your second year of life, you learned to walk, which quickly turned into incessant running. You especially enjoy pushing all-the-things (pop-pop, your pushcart, and even your pal Declan). You may have been late to the game on your feet, but your coordination and speed are impressive. Your hair has grown so much as well. You were still fairly bald when you turned one, and you loved your headband bows. But now your hair has the sweetest curls, and you enjoy rocking pigtail clip-in bows. In the winter you’d wake up and ask for “bows and socks.” 

You found your voice and so many words this year, too. Helicopter, hotdog, and narwal are a few of the funniest sounding words you would say. But your absolute favorite words were outside, go, and no. Your favorite place to be was outside. We spent so much time in the fresh air, regardless of the season or weather. We went for daily runs together, too. You’d ask to “run, run, run” and grab my sweat rag out of the drawer and find my running shoes and bring them to me. The “wa wa table,” your shopping cart, and any ball to kick. You ran in the Jeramiah’s Spring Leap a second year in a row and enjoyed every minute of the 5K. We placed 15th overall and 2nd in my age group. 

A favorite moment for dadda and I was giving you your bounce house while Pawpaw, Aunt Hailey, and Aunt Dakota were visiting. We love giving you an environment that brings you so much joy and freedom to explore and grow. Remember, life isn’t about the stuff; but investing in resources and experiences that add value to your life are worth every penny. You also really enjoy your "standy stand" and rocker. 

You went to the Dallas Aquarium with your cousin Jackson and loved the foliage more than the animals and fish. In fact, you go out of your way to hug any tree you see. At the Austin Zoo we saw SO MANY peacocks with flared feathers. You again preferred finding trees to hug than the lion and bear who were pacing inches from your face. You enjoyed your first tumbling class with Avery in March, learning how to do somersaults and running around wild and free.

You are a social butterfly and have the sweetest little friends in the neighborhood. You point out all their houses while on walks. You share very well and are typically so gentle. You actually bring me your toy phone to “plan playdates” and nod and say, “yeah yeah!” as I pretend to schedule them. You love playing independently, reading books, bubbles, and chalk. You are great at using all eating utensils and pouring into and drinking from an open cup.

Some of your favorite foods were yogurt smoothies, dadda’s lemon turmeric rice, and pineapple. Though, you go through waves of enjoying salmon, avocado, and red sauce. Any time you see dadda or I with a drink that isn’t water you want to do a family cheer and your word for “cheers” sounds so cute and funny. 

You showed many signs of capability to potty train ahead of turning 2, and you rocked that process. Just like breastfeeding, you had no problem going 100% diaper-free for day and night. I remember feeling a pang of sadness that I wouldn’t see your little diaper butt ever again, but reminded myself that we will experience so many firsts and lasts together over the course of our lives. I am grateful to be beside you in transitions and my heart is full from getting to be connected to you in life. I could choose to dwell in the sadness but instead focus on appreciating the preciousness of this present.  

In each letter I include a poem you’ve inspired me to write. I wrote this one when you were around 18 months old. 

Within
But do you know what happens in me, 
When you laugh, wiggle, and are wild and free?


Even when you cry or put up a fight, 
I simply see your dynamic power and might. 

A day doesn’t pass without abundant joy, 
The world around you is one giant toy. 

A present reminder to keep to the moment.
So later in life I'm not resigned to atonement. 

I’m here with you, where you are today.
As you navigate each stage in your own way. 

But do you know what happens in me, 
As I see the unique person you’re coming to be? 

I cannot define it or even begin.
But I hope, my dear child, you feel it within.

Love,
Mama 

P.S. It's fun to sign with the name you actually call me. 

The compulsion to ensure your little one is eating (add in stress about enough, quality of ingredients, and balance of macronutrients) runs deep for parents. I think about my own mom, and when we visit even as adults, the first thing she wants to do is fill your belly (and heart) with an old favorite, like stuffed bell peppers and peanut butter brownies. Moms just want to make sure you’re “okay” and being fed tops the list of that word’s sub context.  

As a baby, Genevieve guzzled breastmilk. When we introduced solids at six months (beginning with purees) she ate anything and everything offered to her. When we began offering small chunks of food, she was mostly accepting of them too (though sometimes she’d decide on looks alone that certain finger foods were for the dogs and toss them over). It wasn’t until fifteen months that we experienced a real shift in Genevive’s eating. 

Prior to 15 months, Genevieve’s favorite tried-and-true favorites were eggs, sweet potato, and avocado. But that changed; still, at 20 months, she doesn't dig them. I will periodically attempt to offer them, usually changing the form (like using mashed avocado as a toast topper or dip for something) but her evolving palate is still disinterested. Similarly, I can offer her something for lunch that she eats ravenously, but if I offer it again at dinner or the next day, she won’t even touch it. When you buy the ingredients (insert markup for organic everything plus inflation), prepare the meal, do all the dishes, and expect to have meals “ready to go” and they refuse, your little one's stomach may be empty, but frustration fills yours. 

The first time I ever worried Genevieve wasn’t eating enough was at 15 months. She took a mega strike and showed her first ever weight loss between appointments (however this was NOT a loss from her 12-month appointment to her 15-month appointment with her primary doctor. This was a loss from her cardiology appointment to her 15-month appointment two weeks apart). It wasn’t even a substantial loss, and my doctor wasn’t worried, but my mama mind was. 

I remember reading in my baby cookbook that around “12 to 18 months of age, children hit a phase called food neophobia. The theory behind why this phase occurs is that as the child starts walking, they could wander outside and pick something poisonous off the ground. To coincide with this newfound freedom, they develop a newfound fear of foods” (Lvova, 2020). Genevieve took her first steps just after turning 15 months, and really began walking steadily at 18 months. So, I found comfort in this theory, and more easily accepted this shift. A phrase in one of G’s favorite read aloud books, We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, came to mind: and I reminded myself “We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, oh no we have to go through it!” 

[Interventions During Strikes] 
Of utmost importance, I needed to start by getting a handle on my own feelings and actions. As a parent, I want to not only model a healthy relationship with food to Genevieve, but also help her bolster one. Genevieve would cry and throw a fit if you tried to put food into her mouth, however IF she ate a bite, usually she would end up eating the remainder of the serving. This frustrated Andrew and me. However, we didn’t want to force feed G because this felt out of alignment with our value to allow HER the right to determine what and how much goes into her body.

I knew for a time, I needed to let go of my attachment to her eating a perfectly rounded meal and embrace Genevieve’s preferences. Don’t get me wrong, I still offered her a balanced plate, but if literally all of her veggie-fortified pasta and cauliflower chicken nuggets went to the dogs, I tried my best to remain neutral. During this time, I relied more heavily on squeezy packs from Aldi (our preferred baby food for G... great quality and price). At this point, Geneieve MAYBE had one “squeezy” (as we call them) per day. But during this strike, I would begrudgingly give her an additional one or two per day as a snack or with dinner when she really wasn’t eating much else. I think the container was fun for Genevieve to eat from. I remember my mom brain guilting me with thoughts like if you do this, she will ONLY eat squeezies, or you’re being TOO permissive. She NEEDS to just eat what’s offered or go hungry and then she will eat. I shook off those thoughts and am happy to say that G came through that phase, and I could cut back the squeezy offering without issue. 

Teething also played a role into the equation. G has 16 teeth at 20 months of age, and the second food strike also coincided with her molars breaking through. During this time, I was more permissive with snacking. I would offer her peanut butter toast, hummus and crackers, various types of puffs, and grain and fruit bars. While I am sure someone could point out that this could have curbed her mealtime appetite, it worked for us, and she didn’t become averse to meals from this temporary lapse in more abundant snacking. 

During this time, I would also not force staying in the highchair. If Genevieve said, “all done” and meant it, the mealtime was over. Case closed. I add the phrase “and meant it” because I would try several interventions before calling it quits for most meals. However, if she became visibly frustrated or emotional, we were in fact “all done.” 

I had to shake off the amount of time planning, prepping, and cleaning up I would do during this time. Not to mention the food waste. If I offer any advice to parents in general about the parenting stage of toddlers, it's that efficiency (of resources and time) is NOT the priority. There is peace in simply accepting that explicitly. 

Some interventions I tried that really worked for us were as follows: 

• Dipping: Geneieve might refuse a chicken nugget. However, if I gave her some red pepper hummus or a little cup of organic ketchup to dip it in using her finger or fork, she’d usually take a bite. 
• Appetizer: Eating begets eating. So, I would offer G a favorite snack while I prepped her meal to get her munching. Usually, a couple veggie straws or zesty garden puffs. 
• Neutral Offering Response: I would load a fork or put pieces of something on her tray without saying anything. I would also look away while she brought it to her nose or lips to explore. I did this because if I watched her, she’d lick it and look to me gauge my reaction. Minimizing eye contact (but watching from the corner of my eye) reduces pressure or any attempt on G’s part of feeling like I am trying to get her to do something–the will of toddlers I'll tell ya… 
• Reheat: Sometimes, especially with pasta or meat, if the item was sitting for too long and got too cold, she wouldn’t want it. But popping it back in the microwave for ten seconds would occasionally work to get her to continue eating. 
• Switching utensils or how the food is offered: Genevieve has been comfortable with a fork and spoon since she was 12-15 months old. Sometimes I will even grab an adult spoon or fork and the switch up is something she enjoys. Sometimes I “load” the utensil for her, other times I put some bites on her tray and then let her “poke” or “scoop” from the bowl herself. Other times I may switch all together and offer her a hunk to bite from (like an open-face turkey and cheese sandwich or a waffle). I do this dance throughout the meal and just try offering the same items in different ways. One day for instance Andrew told me while feeding G a breakfast waffle that she was done after eating ⅓ of it. I gave her the fork and combined that with her dipping into syrup and she ate the ENTIRE waffle. He was shocked, but truly sometimes just offering the same thing with a twist can be just enough to motivate them. 
• G Feed Me: This works pretty well. I will admit, sometimes I do not want to eat what she’s eating but letting her put some food into my mouth does the trick. I don’t make a big show at how yummy it is, I just open, bite, chew, and nod. She gets a kick out of it and usually follows up with taking another bite herself. Sometimes too I will grab a piece of food and take a bite and she almost incredulously is like “Hey, that’s mine!” and opens wide. 
• Parent Switch: Andrew and I found this one incidentally. We would take turns feeding G dinner or eating ourselves. If one of us finished first, we would take over feeding Genevieve. It would almost reinvigorate her appetite and while the first feeder thought she was almost done, she’d surprise us by eating substantially more with greater gusto. Maybe too the social impact of the other parent eating with her played a role as well. This strategy of course is contingent on the condition of both parents being home. 

Sickness can play a role in what your toddler is willing to eat, too. For instance, Genevieve typically loves cows milk. However, after her recent illness, shes still really disinterested (and I would actually go as far to say disgusted) by milk. We have attempted in many different containers, times of day, and even brought out the big guns (chocolate milk). Yet all attempts have fallen flat. I believe this is related to Genevieve’s phlegm and am hopeful she’ll resume her normal intake soon. Yesterday we even attempted to introduce almond milk. She accepted a few sips, but still seems to be disgusted by milk. In the meantime, I try to increase dairy intake with cheese and Greek yogurt for calcium and vitamin D. 

Genevieve really enjoys a variety of food. But she doesn’t enjoy them consistently. I rotate tried-and-true recipes, experiment with new ones (always having "safe foods" on the plate) and offer her portions of the daily dinners we have for us. Safe foods are those that have been introduced before and are items she typically enjoys filling up on.  I prepare and keep some things in the freezer I know she often eats (homemade chicken nuggets, veggie fortified marinara sauce, and egg & cheese quesadillas). 

Food is fuel, and I want Genevieve to learn that a balanced meal includes protein (typically lean-meat based), a complex carb (bread, rice, potato, noodle), fat (olive oil from cooking, nut butters, butter, cheese) and veggie. We pepper in fruits as well, though Genevieve is prone to diaper rash from them. Turkey lunch meat, pork sausage, and salmon are her current favorite proteins. I just introduced tuna to her (a part of my daily lunch), and she enjoyed it. I usually have a container in the fridge of whole wheat noodles and add some type of sauce (she’s been loving pesto lately). I use whole wheat toast with hummus or peanut butter or make an open face melt with shredded cheese and lunch meat. Her daily smoothie is an excellent source of nutrition and something she enjoys, too. Geneieve is also a great hydrator. We model drinking water throughout the day, and she loves sipping from our cups and always has a water bottle within reach. We find when she fills up on good protein, she hydrates and sleeps best. 

[Meal Schedule] 
I do not (nor strive to) keep a strict routine. However, I find that feeding with a rhythm helps keep Genevieve in a good mood, sleep well, poop regularly, and gives me a sense of predictability (which helps me make plans or facilitate chores or errands). Since Genevieve was a baby, I kept to the advice that its best to break a fast upon waking (rather than when falling asleep). Of course, there were times when G needed a bottle or breast feeding ahead of falling asleep (teething or while in a leap). However, I always offered milk upon waking and when we introduced food, I implemented the same strategy. 

I will share a typical day below and add a general time, for example's sake. Genevieve will typically keep to this flow of day based on her wake window. However, the time will vary based on when she begins her day. 

7:30 am: Wake and drink 6 oz of milk in sippy straw cup (she’s in her crib while I vacuum) 
8:30 am:  Eat breakfast (one hour or so after milk)
10:30 am: Snack 1 (usually outside)
12:30- 3:30 pm: NAP 
3:45 pm: Eat lunch
4:30 pm: Snack 2 
5:30 pm: Dinner 
6:30 pm: Sippy with 6 oz of milk 
7 pm: Brush teeth, say goodnight, fall asleep independently in crib (usually 30 minutes later)

I am deliberate that I do not give G more than 6 oz of cow's milk per bottle because our pediatrician expressed too much can lead to iron deficiency and that 16 oz is the max per day. This allows me to fall under that threshold and keeps room for yogurt, cheese, and dairy foods throughout the day. In the baby food book I use, it recommends offering 2 oz of milk with meals and snacks. However, the two 6-oz bottles have worked for us where G enjoys them, digests them well, and sleeps through the night (so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it).

I literally enter her room with the vacuum in the morning and her milk to break her fast. When G has her bedtime milk, she usually has about 30 more minutes of silly play time in her before she herself wants to go to bed. I will offer her a couple graham crackers or an occasional special cookie (currently enjoying her first Girl Scout cookie season and thin mints). The other night she ate her thin mint and signed for more. I expressed she could only have one tonight and that she could have another tomorrow. She held a furrowed brow before accepting this and moving back into play. She might want more, but this is where my role as parent comes in to teach her the importance of eating within a reasonable serving size. And giving her "sugar" before bedtime doesn't negatively impact her sleep or mood... she consistently sleeps through the night AND if she rouses self-soothes. 

Typically, it's about an hour after being awake that I give G solid breakfast. This seems far enough away from milk that she eats well but not too far where she gets hangry. Right now, G’s typical breakfast includes an Aldi squeezy that contains fruit, oats, and flaxseed, bell peppers, and either a whole wheat waffle with syrup or 2 mini sausage biscuits. I will ask G to select her squeezy and if she wants a waffle or biscuit. I believe choice is good, but I also know at this stage open-ended choice is too overwhelming. Two options help your little feel like they are weighing in without the action weighing too much on them. 

For lunch, I always offer G a smoothie (containing banana, Greek yogurt, milk, peanut butter, spinach or kale, and mixed fruit). I prepare this every other day during her nap. In addition to this, I offer either a turkey and cheese open face melt or an egg and cheese quesadilla. Though she’s also really liking cheese and turkey cold right now.  I always include hummus (original or red pepper mini containers I split across 2 days). I offer mixed veggies (I get a frozen mix with peas, corn, and carrots) and either crackers or veggie straws for dipping. 

Dinner varies based on what we’ve prepared for dinner. We may offer tikka masala or Cajun chicken pasta, a burger with cheese on a brioche bun, or a salmon, lemon turmeric rice, and broccoli bowl. I always have chicken nuggets and veggie marinara servings in the freezer I make homemade. She also really enjoys American cheese melted over a piece of toast or pesto pasta. I offer the same veggie mix as lunch or more bell peppers. I may also offer an orange, pineapple, or other fruit that we have on hand that week.  

Our snacks vary. I love using fruit and grain bars for Genevieve. I always have at least two varieties to offer. Typically, I give her a fruit and grain bar for her first snack because it follows our morning run together. I pack it in the stroller and while I drink water and catch my breath, she runs around the front and eats her snack. Our second snack in the afternoon is occasionally a squeezy pouch (usually one with fruit and veggies mixed), a piece of peanut butter toast, tomato basil or veggie puff, or something else I have on hand that she says yes to when I offer. I am not locked in to only two snacks, but typically that’s how it shakes out. During certain times like sickness, food strikes, or growth spurts I offer and allow more snacks and flow with what I perceive she needs and what she expresses she needs. 

In my diaper bag I always pack snacks in case we are out, and she wants something. We also enjoy spontaneity of letting her try new foods while we are out, but I have never regretted having extra safe foods on hand while we are out. I keep: 

• One granola bar (vanilla chip from Aldi… also a great snack if I need one) 
• One fruit and grain bar 
• One fruit and veggie squeezy 
• One meat protein + savory squeezy 
• Freshly filled water cup 
• A purple airtight silicone container I load before we go with puffs, animal crackers or regular crackers 
• A little silicon self-serving cup (the one where she can independently put her hand in to get the treat but not spill it everywhere at once) that is empty. I will add a small amount from the purple container into this cup if she’s irritable–especially helpful at the checkout at the grocery store. 

…​

If you’re reading this because you are currently navigating feeding a toddler or because you’re curious about what’s on the horizon, I hope you’ve found a nugget that you may find helpful or that my experience has allowed you to get curious about your own little one and way of doing it. The willfulness of a toddler is not something to fight during mealtimes, but rather accept. By this I DO NOT mean to accept poor behavior, but rather lean into the knowing that developmentally your toddler is learning that they are their own person with preferences and feelings. Ironically, parents get frustrated that their kids are being controlling when a parent "battling" their little is ALSO trying to maintain control. We can simply remove control from the equation by empathizing with our little person, diversifying what we offer, notice what they like, and try try TRY our best to help them eat a balanced plate. 

I love going to restaurants with Genevieve and letting her try something new (minus the time she choked at Fire Street Pizza). Food is fuel. But food is also tied to celebration, connection, and joy. I don’t want mealtimes to be miserable, but rather a place where we can laugh, sing, talk, and be together. Sure, does Genevieve running her hummus hands in her hair to ask for a bath sometimes make me cringe? Yes, yes it does. Do I ever want to shovel the food that I KNOW she likes into her mouth to get the meal going? Definitely. But do I try to remind myself that this little person has a right to what and how much goes in and to not feel shame or guilt around food waste so she can learn to trust her body’s cues for hunger and being full? YES, I really emphatically do. So, feeding your toddler may sometimes feel like you’re going on a bear hunt, but again I’ll say: “you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, but [together] you have to go through it!” 

Every year for a few years now, I write a letter to myself the week between Christmas and the new year. In this letter, I write as if the upcoming year has already occurred. I choose not to be overly specific, or to vomit out cliche or lofty goals. I am not interested in manifesting my endpoint for the year, but rather leaning into the energy that I want to ground myself in, the self-work I aspire to do, and the impact I hope to actualize. I always have a P.S. that is my chosen word for that year. 

Each Christmas I get my new agenda for the upcoming year, and once my letter is complete, I copy my letter into the front page of the upcoming year's planner. I will find myself checking in on the letter every so often as the year progresses, I especially like to do this in June (halfway point in the year), On August 6th (my birthday), at the end of the year (where I also read my letter to Andrew). I also return to this letter when I'm going through a particularly challenging time and need realignment, or when celebrating a big win. I find myself always pleasantly surprised by the accuracy the letter holds at years end. I know some who do this exercise, and they write and only read it at year's end (some even mailing it to themselves in a sealed envelope). For me, I find so much value in referencing these words as I experience the actual year as it unfolds. 

I want to share my letter for the year that just passed, 2022 (that I wrote at the end of 2021) and detail my process for writing. Neither the specifics of the letter, structure, or process may all resonate with you (though it might). More than anything, I want to share my actual letter and process as an example to spark your own curiosity for what this type of activity could add to your own experience for the year ahead. 

2022 Letter to Self
(Written at year's end 2021)
Dear Kelly, 
While 2020 felt disrupted and chaotic (both in the world and internally) you grounded yourself in 2021. You became a mother, cleared space, and found peace. in 2022 you found your stride and learned how to channel your energy deliberately, without gassing yourself, and with greater power.

You made choices instead of reacting and operated more from a place of love, non-attachment, and acceptance. You had more fun (as defined by you) and opened your heart. When you made a mistake, you simply chose to pivot and move forward--albeit in a different direction sometimes. You practiced overcoming your anxiety, guilt, and shame. You let go of negative beliefs you carried for too long. You now know and realize your emotions and thoughts are not your identity and can be acknowledged without internalizing them. 

You have forged more meaningful relationships and your 'hobbies' genuinely enrich your life. Your days with Genevieve flow. You balance routine and novelty daily, and there are so many smiles and giggles. You are so present and intentional, and Andrew, Genevieve, and the dogs can feel it. You are continuing on the right path. You are surrendering, letting go, and giving effort all while not striving. You are where you need to be. You are doing what you ought to be doing. And 2023 will hold so many gifts and insights. You can now add more to the foundation and structures you've crafted. 

You believed in yourself, your 'goals' and had a greater impact than you ever could have imagined or planned. 

Cheers, 
Kelly 

P.S. Believe 

My Letter Writing Process
I do not believe in forcing this kind of letter. Meaning, I don't schedule a specific time on a specific day to hammer it out. Personally, I work best with brainstorming, reflecting, and drafting this piece over a few days or weeks. Since I have done this for a few years, I typically start thinking about my next letter around Thanksgiving. The energy of that holiday and reflecting on what I am grateful for naturally lends itself to such consideration. I don't typically write anything down, but I start to keep that noticing at the forefront of my mind. I may hear or read a quote that resonates, consider a challenge I am currently experiencing, or any other noticing that may benefit my attention in the coming year. 

I keep a regular daily journal, and if on a specific day I write something I believe I want to reference later, I highlight the passage or page so I can guide myself back when the time comes. I am also in a monthly women's mastermind group, and ahead of our December call (which is a reflection on our year) I brainstorm positive and negative acknowledgments that I want to carry or work on overcoming to include in the next year's letter. I write this in the "notes" section at the back of my agenda and use these notes when I draft my letter. 

I always "schedule" time to write or brainstorm my letter for the week between Christmas and the New Year's holiday. Though this year, I haven't yet written in my letter to my new agenda just yet. I completed my drafted letter earlier this week and will do one final read through with edits before copying it by hand with a pen into my 2023 agenda. I like pen because I don't want to adjust my letter. I am not looking for my letter to be a perfect reflection of what the year holds. In fact, I find as much value in a chunk that doesn't happen as I do when something aligns. I can appreciate that "it just wasn't the time for THAT" or carry that concept forward to the next year, or maybe even abandon it all together. This type of exercise isn't meant to make you feel bad or constrained, its merely a guiding light that can intentionally carry you forward (with permission to winging it when necessary). We can't ever predict (or control) the future, so shackling yourself to the words you wrote in the past bears no fruit. 

My first draft is always crafted on a note in my phone. When I consider why I choose this over a computer or paper, this is because I can quickly delete and type out what I want to say. I refer back to my notes, though typically just the act of writing them previously is enough for me to recall and write them in. If they 'stuck' that means it's probably something I am meant to include and if I forgot, it isn't (or at least that's how I hold it).

I then let this draft rest, like bread dough. I come back to it within a day or a few. Then I read it, edit it, refer back to notes and omit or add anything to my draft. Finally, I take my time copying it into the first page of my agenda, usually where there is a section for writing your goals and aspirations for the year. It always brings a smile to my face, because I love that I DO NOT write specific goals here. Instead, my specific goals are chosen as the year progresses and I feel as though they align with the message between the lines of this letter. I like to think of the quote that "the details don't matter; it's how someone makes you feel that matters." When I look back on the year (or zoom out to my life as a whole) I won't care we took second in our age group for a 10K race (fun as it was) as much as I'll appreciate how it felt every day when Genevieve and I ran together. But how it feels to appreciate the clouds, birds, and G's wiggles to her favorite songs (the girl loves jock jams), fills my soul in a powerful way. Life, as we experience it, is a feeling, not a laundry list of accomplishments. And my letter always helps me align to that. 

My P.S. is always one word that serves as a beacon for that year. This sometimes comes before the letter, and other times after. I can't remember, but I am pretty sure "Believe" came after my 2022 letter. I totally chose to take the energy from my 'happy show' Ted Lasso, and even made a little "Believe" sign that I placed at the top of the entry way into my bathroom. I laugh because the font is totally off and while it bothers me, I use that as a reminder that something doesn't need to be perfect to be impactful. When this word pops out at me in a book, a quote, or a piece of decor (like my front Christmas sign by my tree that said "Believe in the Magic of Christmas") I consider whatever it is and find it helps me realign to the energy of my letter (even without re-reading it in that moment). This letter isn't about the specific words; what matters is how I felt writing it, the positive energy I have realigning to it, and reflecting on it at year's end. 

So, if you choose to write a letter like this, do not simply copy my process (or get frustrated if your process doesn't look like mine). Same goes for the letter. Maybe yours is shorter, is a bulleted list, or maybe you just use one word, a phrase, a quote. The WHAT doesn't matter, the HOW you hold it (and carry it through the year) does. While 2023 has already officially started and you're reading this now, so what? Draft your letter in February. Or maybe hold this exercise until after the summer and before the new school year starts. Or just begin today. There are no rules. Structures shouldn't suffocate us; be open and act from a place of resonance. 

How I Hold It 
In this section I want to shed light on how my letter aligns to my actual experience of 2022. When I re-read my letter at year's end this time around, I genuinely felt a swell of pride fill my chest. As I read, little moments, memories, or acknowledgements appear and disappear like bubbles in the air. Occasionally too does a reminder of how I didn't do "THAT" perfectly (for example over-reacting to a scary situation in the car while Andrew was driving... definitely not 'responsive' but reactive). But I learned to not judge myself too harshly for the work I still need to do. In fact, I simply try to file that in the "still working on it" folder and move on. If we nitpicked every single moment of our year that we weren't 'perfect' we'd be wasting so much time and energy. At the same time, acknowledging them and facing them without shame or guilt is important too. Then I can more easily recall the ways in which I WAS responsive over reactive and appreciate the growth in that aspect of my personality. For example, I received a text about me on accident from someone in my husband's family, and while this did put a damper on my evening, I was able to construct a response, not hold guilt for myself nor permissiveness for this person's emotional appeals and most importantly I let it go (and slept well that night, which normally would not happen with something like this). 

I can look at the projects that have enriched my life, and some that I thought would, but they didn't pan out. While I had the intention to keep my blog posts regular last year, I also agreed to ghost write a blog for an author with a story I believe needs to be told to the world. I put a bookmark in my personal work, allowing my ideas and thoughts to simmer while I focused on weekly posts for that blog. In reflection, I knew in 2023 I wanted to resume writing for myself as well, but I didn't want to take away from time with G, my family, or other areas of my life. So, I renegotiated that agreement going forward (cutting back not cutting it out entirely). Early last year I took on another project with a life coach, but the arrangement wasn't as fulfilling as I thought it would be, so this is an example where I chose to pivot in that "different direction." 

I believe my focus on building a stable foundation really helped me move into 2023 with a dynamic energy. In 2022 I worked to establish routines and habits that fueled my tank, and how to fit them in our rhythm of day. An at-home yoga flow routine, meditation, daily runs with Genevieve, connection time with friends or phone calls with some of my favorite people, nuclear family time, and writings/reading/leadership projects occupy my energy in the best way. This year I plan to really build upon the foundation I have established and believe (oh hey word of 2022) I can do so without letting those foundational details fall to the wayside. 

I am most proud about my flow of days with Genevieve and the genuine peace in my home. I do not keep a strict routine with G, I prefer to refer to it as a "rhythm of day." And with a 20-month-old child, I know that as soon as we have a good hold on what that rhythm is, it is changing again. We run 3-miles + together every morning, walk the dogs 2+ times a day, play outside whenever the weather permits it, pepper in playdates and errands, and keep quality nuclear family time during evenings and weekends. Genevieve is a great sleeper--nearly never waking us in the night--eater, and a happy little dynamo. I have leaned into flowing with that. I don't worry if she wakes early for the day, we just shift our routine to fit that wakeful flow. Our schedule is light during this stage of G's life, and I believe our entire family is benefiting from that choice. Our lives won't be at this slower, lighter stage forever and we are embracing it for what it is right now. 

When I read the passage "you are giving effort without striving" I immediately think about running. I started running with G in January of 2022 and completed a 10K with her at the end of March. I never run for time, I notice time on my watch, but I do not attach to my speed. When I run with G or a solo run when Andrew is home to watch her, I simply say "I am going for a run." I know I will at least do 3 miles, but if G or my body feel like going further, we do. I do not have any races or specific goals in my mind. I simply run every day because I ENJOY it. I love that G and I both get outside and fresh air and natural light early in the morning. Regardless of the weather, we make it work (barring super extremes of course). I've naturally built up to running 10 miles for my long runs (and with the exclusion of Christmas) every long run in the month of December has been a 10-mile run. This year I could really appreciate growth through being with my doing, and not trying to force it with strict and specific goals. I am someone who can dial in with a specific goal, but 2022 was a practice in challenging myself to find consistency and maintainability. I may not have a medal to show for it, but I sure as hell wouldn't trade THAT win for anything. 

...


So, if you feel compelled to write a letter to yourself, choose a word, or use a quote as a guiding light: I challenge you to do it. Write it down and put it somewhere you can find it again. Be curious about how it can inspire, challenge, guide you. Maybe it will actually fall totally flat--and then you can realize that sometimes what we THINK we want for ourselves, is actually not what is right for us. Tools like this are not good or bad--they are simply tools. How we hold them, carry them, and apply them is what matters. This week, I stumbled upon a quote in a book given to me by my Mastermind secret Santa that resonates with the life I am building (and utilizes my 2022 and 2023 word of the year so naturally I perked up and wrote it down). I will end with this, for it emanates the energy I am continuing to bring to the life I am living as a recovering perfectionist: 
"Trusting is better than knowing. courage is found in believing."

​May 2023 be a wonderful year, and may you find a little bit more of the true self inside of you. 

A literal weight being removed from my body--that is the genuine feeling I had when Genevieve's pediatric cardiologist told us that Genevieve's VSD heart murmur has continued to tighten and is trending to close entirely on its own. While I do not let myself perseverate on the worst-care-scenario-what-if's related to her congenital heart defect, I feel great relief hearing that Genevieve's ticker is continuing to develop as well as she has. 

I can still remember the extreme dread I felt when a doctor checked Genevieve at our lactation consultation ten days postpartum and told us she noticed a "significant murmur." At our two-week checkup, our doctor confirmed the murmur and referred us to cardiology. Two decisions kept me sane during that time. The first was holding the news and not sharing it broadly. All of this was difficult for us to digest, and we knew we needed to learn more for ourselves and not let this dominate our fourth trimester. While we are sure our loved ones would have brought good intentions, their own fears, anxieties, and research would have only brought negativity and attention to the topic, and we chose to safeguard ourselves. Second, we did not research or become experts on her condition once we learned the more concerning murmur was a VSD. We instead relied on the direct feedback of Genvieve's doctors and her specific case. I am still so grateful for Genevieve's cardiologist, Doctor Banker of Baylor Scott and White, who did not lead with fear or worst-case scenarios, but rather gave us hope and realistic expectations at each appointment. He was thorough, communicative, and caring. We knew the scary signs we needed to look for, took extra care in keeping Genevieve safe from the risk of illnesses, and enjoyed each day without focusing on something being "wrong" with a vital organ. 

At every cardiology appointment, they ask a few general questions to gauge how everything has been going since the last appointment (which was when Genevieve was 7 months old). A few of the questions are: "Does your baby get tired quickly when playing?" "Does your baby struggle while eating?" "Has their lips turned blue?" "Do you notice difficulty breathing?" The only difficulty in breathing came from myself listening to these questions (though I also feel a deep appreciation that my answer is no to the aforementioned quiz). Hearing these questions is a somber reminder that our experience could be so different if Genevieve's murmur was a bit bigger, was a little lower, or if her rate of growth was more stagnant (thank goodness she has always been a voracious eater). I mention this, because it reminds me the peace, I established from not over-thinking Genevieve's diagnosis. Instead, I focused on the fact that we have the HAPPIEST baby, who is social, hilarious, a great sleeper, incredibly active, and just all-around amazing. Yes, having a VSD could theoretically come with open heart surgery, activity restrictions, or heart failure medications--but for us it did not. In an ideal world, G's heart would have nothing obstructed, but that isn't our reality, so instead we focus on the fact that she was continuing to develop beautifully (this is literally the adjective every doctor has used to describe her growth pattern). 

Normally, a VSD would require an annual checkup now that G is over twelve months old; however, since Genevieve's murmur is trending to close on its own, we have a green light to schedule our next appointment two years from now. Doctor Banker said if the VSD closes entirely (something he believe is possible at the next scan when Genevieve is around three-and-a-half-years old) then we would no longer need to monitor Genevieve's heart. Typing the previous statement brings tears to my eyes, of relief and joy. 

Prior to becoming pregnant, I have always been someone that holds onto that worst case scenario. Historically, I felt safer if I "knew" what was going to happen by running the scenarios in my mind and playing out my responses. I am proud to say I did a lot of self-work around this tendency. All I could see was my beautiful, adorable baby with no indicative signs of heart failure. I chose to keep seeing that. I journaled my fears, I gave myself space to feel my emotions, cry, disassociate before processing, or sleep--usually leading up to or just after appointments. I asked her doctors questions to understand, chose not to bring up her VSD in conversation very often, and would vent and listen to Andrew. You may read this paragraph and say "well, yeah... you just said your kid has been fine, not shown symptoms and the hole will close on its own... why are you overreacting?" But while we were going through it--I did not know that. I did not know if Genevieve would go into heart failure while sleeping as a newborn. I did not know if we would need to schedule open heart surgery. The very idea that my daughter may never learn the joy of sprinting due to activity restriction broke my heart. So yes, I know now that I didn't need to worry or hold that worst case scenario shit at the forefront of my postpartum experience--and while my mind occasionally went there--I made deliberate choices not to live there, and I am so grateful for that.   

When you see the picture below, you see Genevieve looking with a grin at a distraction. But it makes me remember her appointment the week of my birthday last year, when she had her third scan and I just wished that I could take it all away from her, that the only birthday wish I had was for her not to need to experience this and for her to be okay. When I look at this picture, I think about how difficult this scan at fourteen months was today because she did not want to be held down--how we played Baby Shark, showed her pictures of herself, played with toys, had her gurgle water, and how tired she was of being touched, poked, and prodded. But mostly when I look at this picture, I just see this incredible little person whose heart is absolutely perfect--regardless of any 'defect.' If you're reading this, I hope if you are facing something scary and out of your control (just remember everything truly is out of our hands) that you carry hope at the helm and stow away pessimism and anxiety because they do nothing but steal joy from your reality. 

At the grocery store yesterday, I was carded purchasing beer and wine. When I showed the clerk my id I jokingly said, "tomorrow will make ten years that I've been 21." She wished me a happy early birthday and shared that she had a birthday earlier this week. Within the banter of our brief conversation, she mentioned looking forward to her thirties (she just turned 22) and I couldn't help but think how much I have enjoyed my first year in this new decade. I genuinely love getting older. I feel as though each year I relax a little bit more into the person I am becoming in mind, body, and spirit. To celebrate another year around the sun, I want to simply share phases that I keep at the forefront of my mind. I thought about elaborating on them but felt simply sharing the list was more powerful. This way, as you read you can allow your own mind to wander to consider how these words uniquely resonate for you (or maybe they don't but they allow you a jumping off point to find what resonates for you). 

I chose to share 32 phrases: 31 statements but also "one to grow on" where I invite you to share a quote or phrase that you live by. And if there is something you're curious about from my list that you'd like me to explain more thoroughly or give an example of, please ask in the comments. I hope you find something from this list that inspires you or sparks your curiosity. 

Last week, Genevieve drank her last sippy cup of my frozen breastmilk supply, and like that, our near-14-month-breasfeeding journey comes to an end. I have been attempting to dry up my supply for about a month and a half (due to an extreme oversupply and proneness to mastitis, I required a slower transition). But I can happily say that I haven't pumped in over two weeks, and hopefully can just let my body do the rest of the work to dry up without intervention (in fact, I was able to get out a clog last week with a hot shower and Epsom salt haakaa and didn't need to pump). 

When I think about my emotions related to this transition, I am holding space for the hormonal disruption that I am experiencing. While I haven't pumped in two weeks, I have been dealing with incredible cramps and digestive issues since that time. I have read books about and been warned by friends that the first period postpartum is typically (though not always) brutal. Compound that with the fact that my periods are also incredibly irregular or all together non-existent and I truly have no idea what my body will do. Since my attempts to gradually pump less and less in the spring, I have also dealt with extreme tiredness and lethargy, again very likely due to my body shifting gears in this transition hormonally. I can't complain, because since having Genevieve I have had a surge of energy and hit the ground running at 4 am most days. All that to say, rather than fight my body during this change, I am leaning into it. I allowed myself to rest more and to prioritize chores and activities that energized me (or were most important). This meant instead of waking at 3-4 am, I was waking closer to Genevieve's wake up time around 7 am. While I hated losing so many productive morning hours, I knew that sleep was MORE important than other tasks and gave permission to myself to embrace that. I also prioritized yoga and running daily because both of these activities seemed to help work out clogs or lower my supply respectively. 

I remember what I PICTURED breastfeeding for a year to look like and I must say, how naive I was. I thought primarily I would nurse Genevieve and occasionally use a bottle for convenience. However, my milk supply and Genevieve's drinking style required deviations from my baseless expectations. Now that my journey has concluded I will give a brief overview of what my breastfeeding journey was like overall. I share this not because another mama will experience exactly what I did, but rather to be an example of what breastfeeding for over a year can look like when you are open and flexible to what the process actually requires. 

From Genevieve's birth to when she was five-and-a-half months, I did a combination of nursing and pumping/bottle feeding. I developed mastitis in my left breast my second week postpartum. I was incredibly ill with 104-degree fever, convulsive chills, lethargy, and pain in my breast. I needed to take antibiotics for ten days and had to pump every two hours to get out the clog. Prior to getting mastitis I had not pumped and tried to "ride out" my engorgement--which was a big mistake and likely why I developed mastitis in the first place. I abstained in order to not inflate my supply, but mastitis was much worse than an oversupply (and I developed one anyway).

The entire time I nursed I used a nipple shield. This worked fantastic and my nipples were never cracked or bothered. This required a bit more dishes/set up, but I always needed to use a haakaa during feedings because my opposite breast would let down also, so I had dishes to do anyway. I did not know that some women leak from both breasts while nursing (and also pumping) but unlucky for me, I always did. One benefit to the nipple shield was that Genevieve transitioned back and forth from bottle to breast very easily. My let down always came on quickly, so she didn't get too squirrely, and the shield actually would catch the milk and hold it so my strong let down didn't choke her. I had several mamas tell me I really needed to try to stop using the shield and felt pressure to do that. Looking back, I wish I would have ignored that feedback completely and just embraced the shield the entire time. 

Genevieve could never empty me fully. I even fed from only one breast per feed, but I was producing so much she couldn't even drain one side (and she chugged for an average of 30-45 minutes per feeding). Genevieve also had lime green poops because my oversupply created an imbalance between hindmilk and foremilk production. None of that is important except to say I would need to pump before or after feeds in order to ensure she received the appropriate type of milk to meet her nutritional needs (insert more dishes and time dedicated to the feeding process). Note for anyone reading this who may not realize this: I needed to repeat this process every two to three hours... for months. I still remember one day, maybe 6 weeks in, where Andrew looked at me and said, "I don't know how anyone could do this with a job away from home..." I say this because I truly do not know if I could have reached my goal of a year of breastfeeding if I wasn't able to stay at home and keep up with the ridiculously specific pumping/feeding schedule I had. When I needed to pump, I didn't just do it to have adequate milk for G, I physically NEEDED to pump. My boobs would become so engorged and painful and if I waited too long, I would get a horrible clog. 

Regardless of my efforts, G's poops were staying green. I was feeling very frustrated by this and had done so much research about possible interventions (for example I would shake my breasts before a feeding to "mix" the fore and hind milk inside my body). One day, when she was 5.5 months old, G started to fight attaching to the breast and was preferring bottles. Rather than fight her to stay at my breast longer, I took her lead with the transition: we quit nursing cold turkey and moved all feeds to bottles. She was happier, it was a little less work for me, and her poops gradually returned to a mustard/brown ideal color. During that time, I remember not feeling sad that I was no longer getting to connect with Genevieve through nursing. Instead, I felt grateful for those moments and memories (I am still surprised just how much I LOVED breastfeeding) and even more grateful that I could-- in that moment-- meet Genevieve where she was and give her what she wanted instead of clinging to my own feelings, desires, and emotions. By letting go, I was also letting the next phase come and giving Genevieve permission to take the metaphorical reigns. 

From 5.5 months until 12 months, I exclusively pumped. I didn't even know this was a thing until a friend told me this was how she was breastfeeding her baby when I was in my second trimester (maybe I had heard of it, but I never really thought about it until I needed to, I suppose). I would pump before G woke up, during all naps, and before I went to sleep at night. I was clocking 70+ ounces of milk A DAY (that's roughly 5 pounds of milk) and was getting up to 29 ounces during one single session (that's one and a half pounds of milk). One weird benefit to my milk production was that I never leaked in my clothes. I joke that I am a camel because I don't know how it's even possible to hold a pound and a half of milk in my body and not leak, but I never did (ok, I would wake with an occasional wet shirt after sleeping on my stomach, but that's about it).

In fact, I could not easily hand-express milk. I needed to pump or haakaa to get my milk out. I also could not put the little bra on that holds the pumps in place and multitask. No, I had to have the haakaa on one breast and then simultaneously pump the other and massage and milk myself. In my research, I learned some women have "sticky milk." I believe this is true of my own milk and took sunflower lecithin daily to help my milk flow, and it worked very well. I am SO happy to not touch, look at, or think about my stupid breasts. I literally pumped 5-6 times a day for almost 6 months, and it would take 45-60 minutes to set up, pump, and do the dishes. So literally I now have five to six hours of my day back... literally a part-time job's length of time. 

Once Genevieve turned one, I knew we were going to transition to cow's milk, and I would begin the process of drying up formally. Though I had cut my pump schedule back from 5/6 times a day to 4/5 times a day from March until May. In May, I was still producing 30-40 ounces of milk per day. At this time, I needed to begin using an eye drop that is not safe to use while breastfeeding, and so I decided to stop producing milk for G to drink and began pumping and dumping. This also allowed me to relax on my coffee consumption and resume drinking protein powders and otherwise have less caution to my intake (a welcomed respite since I had been overly cautious by choice). I had a freezer supply of milk that I continued to give Genevieve. I was able to donate some of my freezer stash to a mama who struggled with her own production, but still had plenty for Genevieve. 

While we do not keep a strict time of day schedule, we do keep a rhythm of day schedule. So, in May, after G had her 12-month checkup and with her doctor's guidance, we switched Genevieve's two most important bottles of her day to cow's milk cold turkey. She receives 6 oz upon waking and 8 oz before bed. Since we made this change Genevieve has not woken up in the middle of the night or earlier in the morning a single time (it has been WONDERFUL). She loved the cow's milk from the get-go too.  Her little body did just fine adjusting to it (a little looser stool at first but it normalized after two weeks). Then I would give G bottles of breastmilk upon waking from her two naps of the day. I liked this as a structure to promote hydration, but also, we had always fed Genevieve upon waking, rather than to fall asleep (except she would get a bottle before night sleep or if she woke in the middle of the night throughout the first year). 

During this transition to cow's milk, we also transitioned to sippy cups. Genevieve loved the weighted straw cups with a handle on each side. We first transitioned her morning nap bottle, then her second nap bottle. After we had consistent success there, we transitioned her morning waking bottle and then finally her bedtime bottle. Our doctor expressed that we should try to have her fully weaned by her 15-month checkup, but I can happily report that G was done with bottles a couple weeks after she turned twelve months. We were relaxed about the transition and Genevieve was already used to using the sippy cup with the straw because we introduced it as her water bottle when she was six months. 

So now that Genevieve is fourteen months old and I am all out of milk, our schedule looks like this: 

~7:30 am: wake for the day, 6 oz of cow's milk in a sippy cup in her crib while I vacuum 
8:30 am: solid breakfast (usually scrambled eggs and cinnamon cream of wheat with half a mashed banana)
Nap 1: usually a solid 2-3 hours 
~1:30 pm: Snack (half a fruit and grain bar with one rice rusk or veggie puffs while we read in her room)
2:30 pm: solid lunch (usually chicken, zucchini, sweet potato, StonyField yogurt, and veggie puffs)
Nap 2: usually 1-2 hours
~6 pm: Snack (half a fruit and grain bar and one rice rusk or some puffs in her room while we read to her) 
7 pm: Solid Dinner (12 grain toast, avocado, chicken, zucchini, sweet potato, shredded cheese) 
8 pm: Bedtime Bottle (8 oz of cow's milk in her sippy cup while we play lullabies and play on the couch with lights low) 
8:30-9 pm: Falls asleep unassisted in crib for the night 

After my own experience with breastfeeding, I have a newfound respect for any mother who breastfeeds for any length of time. The process is difficult, emotional, consuming, but oh so gratifying. I committed to twelve months of breastfeeding and while I had many obstacles, I know I handled it like a champ. I went into the process in the same way I commit to a bodybuilding prep. I know it's a commitment that requires months of sacrifice and dedication and many would look at circumstances and say, "why not stop then?" But I knew I could do it and I knew I would find value not only in sustaining my daughter, but also lessons for myself. For instance, one of those lessons, allowed me to continue improving my relationship with food and abstain from binging or eating too indulgently (which was a continuation from my work while pregnant and greatly assisted me as I transitioned into my postpartum body). I was able to build a sustainable maintenance diet that I could adhere to and enjoy. I am grateful for my experience, not because it was easy or perfect, but because it was mine. 

As I sit here on the morning of our anniversary typing this and enjoying my piping-hot coffee in a still house, I feel so much gratitude for the home Andrew and I have built. 'Home' here isn't modifying our physical house, but rather the foundation, frame, and comfort of our relationship. Andrew and I are both children of divorce (although my parents remarried one another and his remarried other individuals with stepparents and half siblings). That being said, we both came into our relationship with the mindset that choosing each other and growing together is a choice you make again and again. Divorce is common--in fact when I googled the 2022 divorce rate, it is predicted to be over 44% due to the pandemic. Since divorce IS common, we appreciate that our dynamic is uncommon. I can say there are merely three other couples who we look up to and whose relationship we care to emulate of all the couples we've ever met. In today's post I want to describe six practices (in honor of our six-year wedding anniversary) that make our dynamic uncommon. I do not prescribe them to work for everyone, but I hope you may find a nugget for your own relationship. 

1.) Live Life Together, Not Adjacently 
Andrew and I spend a lot of time together (and have since the genesis of our relationship). We notice many couples have full lives apart from their partners. They travel for work or pleasure regularly and separately, they go to a gathering where the wives and husbands mix and mingle separately, and where overflowing calendars and obligations leave little time to deeply connect. While Andrew and I do spend time apart and doing our own thing, that is not the primary way we spend evenings and weekends. We make plans together, connect over shared entertainment, have rich and deep conversations, and prioritize family together time. When we do socialize with others, we are still sharing the experience and spend time with other couples or groups of people that allow us to all be together. We choose to live a life regularly where we do not need to update the other on what our nights or weekends were like, and instead share inside jokes or callbacks to the memories and moments created together. Identity outside of your relationship is important but are a smaller piece of the how-I-spend-my-time pie. 

2.) Share Responsibilities as Needed, Not Equally 
We do not divvy up tasks equally nor keep a running tally. We simply figure out what needs to get done and get it done. Andrew works, but also cooks for the household. For one, Andrew is a phenomenal cook, but also, he ENJOYS cooking (where I do not). I often find recipes, punch them up, or help out if Andrew needs me to (putting on baked potatoes or any other task needed at the time). Sometimes the best way to divvy up responsibilities comes down to who hates doing that thing the least, and that is ok. I do not feel bad that I have never mowed the yard, just as I hope Andrew doesn't feel bad that I fold the laundry, make our bed, and clean the glass (all things Andrew can look right past). Our household requires and array of chores and responsibilities and we seek to fill in the gaps and needed and jump in when we are the right person for it (or step up if that person needs a break). 

This is also true for parenting responsibilities. While I am the parent who is primarily home with Genvieve, Andrew too knows her rhythm of routine. On weekends during the mornings, I often get to be (as I affectionately refer to it) "secondary parent." So, I can wake up and do my thing and if G needs something, Andrew gets it. I can wake up, go to the gym, write, run errands, or anything else I want. Sometimes I want to drink my coffee and watch G run about her room while Andrew plays guitar. But I have a break from my daily responsibility that helps me refresh and recharge. 

Communication is important here. We often create a list (which is really a conversation, though we often write it down on our shared "grocery list" note for reference) when we have tasks that need to get done. Or communicate what we need to do and when and what we might need from the other person. We do not complete tasks and keep a running tally for who did what or whose turn it is to vacuum, we just know it has to get done in the day and one of us does it based on what makes sense naturally. Most of the time that requires that I do it, but I always appreciate when I come in from a run and Andrew is vacuuming while Geneieve takes a nap. Divide and conquer, and don't hold it over the other person's head. 

3.) Fight Not to Be Right, But to Re-Align
Fighting (which I will operationally define as being in disagreement) is an inevitable element of any relationship. There WILL be times when you disagree, get angry, hangry, irritated, or simply pissed off at your spouse. When tensions are running high in our house for any reason Andrew, and I will express "we are clearly not aligned and need to get aligned on this..." We both know during a "fight" our relationship is never on the line, and instead we need to re-align. Through the years we have learned the dance of what that needs to look like for us. I can be sharp and biting, so when I need silence and space initially, Andrew has learned (because I have learned to communicate) I need space to process and if I am not given that, I will say something mean in order to get that space). I have learned that when Andrew is insistent on handling the matter immediately, that what he really needs is assurance that everything will be fine. When we come back together to discuss (usually within an hour or so) we can communicate our feelings about the situation and resolution. We form new agreements or discuss how the situation will be handled in the future and expectations. Our "fights" have always left us feeling closer and empowered us to handle a similar situation (or argument in general) better the next time around. An ideal relationship is not FREE of fights, we can lean into them and grow together through them. 

4.) Routine is Essential, But Novelty Is Valuable 
Our days and weeks are pretty routine. Andrew works out three mornings a week before work, I go to the gym in the morning on Saturday and Sunday, we go to the grocery store as a family and eat pizza for lunch and dinner on Saturdays. On workdays, we cook dinner at home, go for a family walk, and spend some time together as a family before maybe watching a show we both like before going to bed after Andrew's 9pm work call. Yes, our days are fairly predictable--some might even say boring. But this predictability also affords us the peace that comes from flow. Flow creates a dance, and we each can better anticipate what our next "step" is in the process. This allows ease and quality time to take root. 

But so too do we allow novelty to fill spaces of our life to periodically add spice to our days. If Andrew is held up at work later than normal, we decide to get dinner with G at a patio. If it's too hot for a walk with the dogs, we load the family in the car for a car wash visit and ice cream at a location determined on the fly. Or Andrew may be cooking dinner and I decide to invite friends over to join us (we cook enough on a nightly basis to provide for a dinner party). Yes, while most nights may be predictable, we add in novel and unplanned activities all the time too. There is joy in abandoning routine, but I am a firm believer than routine is an important baseline structure to family life (or at least is for our preferred family dynamics). 
​
5.) Love the Past Versions, and the Current Version Too 
Andrew is not the man I met at 16. Nor is he the man I married at 24, or even the man who I had a child with at 29. He has grown, evolved, and our relationship has deepened with the passage of time. He would certainly say the same about me. We genuinely love and support the "good enough" current version of one another. We don't have a list of grievances for how each other needs to change, but instead are a support beside one another as we focus in on our own areas for potential growth. We don't look down on the versions of us of the past either, we know those versions were important to become the version we are now (which will one day become another 'past version').

I do not believe in "soul mates." There's likely not a perfect individual who will suit every need and have nothing to work on. Rather, I believe there are many people out there with whom you could construct a meaningful life. But one must choose to love the person in front of you (as they are) and also support them as they grow (and continue to seek growth for yourself). Love is a choice and choosing to love someone and giving them grace for their imperfections allows them to give you the same. There will be seasons that are more challenging than others, and when one of you struggles, you need that other person to lean into who can not only support you through darker days, but love you through them, too. 

6.) Live For EACH Day, Not THE Day 
Every. Single. Year. We forget what day our anniversary is. I am not joking. We are always wondering if we got married on May 29th, 30th, or 31st. In fact, I have a wine bottle gifted to me from a friend with our anniversary date and if it wasn't for that I am not sure I'd ever trust we celebrated on the correct day. Part of the confusion stems from the fact that our wedding anniversary is the day after our together anniversary. Because Memorial Day fell on our actual anniversary when we got married in 2016, we couldn't use the exact day as we wanted. By the time we got married, we had already been dating and living together for years. Therefore, legally being married wasn't a huge deal for us. We chose to get married at the courthouse in Fort Worth (where they shot all the old Walker Texas Ranger episodes) with only two close friends. Andrew helped me pick out my wedding dress, bought a small bouquet of white flowers I wrapped in burlap ribbon, and we put any money we'd spend on a party into upgrades on the house we were building.

We chose to invest in each day, and we continue to do that in the context of our relationship. I still have beautiful memories of our wedding day: the power going out at one of the bars we went to and only having the candles light the space, our vows feeling so deep and intimate, and the bows that Leonidas and Tucker wore (in that same burlap ribbon) a client made for them. Yes, I hold my memories of that beautiful day, but I appreciate the subtle and simple elements of celebration. We do not go overboard on celebrating, and instead choose to reflect and connect when celebrating "a big day" in our lives.


To me, the true value is living each day close to Andrew. I am so grateful for all the versions of Andrew who have loved all the versions of me. This morning he said, "can you believe we've been married for six years?" I looked up from pumping and simply stated, "yes." "Me too," was his response. The greatest gift he could ever give me is his time, affection, and care. I am lucky that he doesn't just give me these things on the big days but showers me in them each and every day. So here's to another year of growing, loving, and living. 

Dear G, 

You've been with us one full year (okay, as I type this on the morning of your birthday it is not *technically* a full year until later this evening but close enough)! Truly, having you in our lives has been delightful. Watching you grow has been a privilege. Even as a tiny newborn you showed us that you were relaxed and calm, yet also strong and active. Each month this dichotomy of traits has manifested more. When you are ready for a nap, you come and cuddle into my lap or simply stop where you are and rest your head (and wait for me to scoop you up). But when you are awake, you are chattering away, cruising (swiftly and smoothly) around the house, and usually attempting to carry something in your mouth as you do so.  When you dislike something or are "done" you let us know, but you do great around different people and in different environments. We love how in the car you rarely need entertainment beyond looking at your surroundings out the window and the long tag on your car seat. You have incredible focus and concentration. 

You love music. We have two playlists "For Genevieve" and "Sleepy G" that we stream to the tv. You love anticipating and watching the album art change when the song does. A few favorites are "upside down" by Jack Johnson, "Into the Open Air" from the Brave soundtrack, "Trashin' the Camp" from Tarzan, and Meghan Trainor songs. We listen while you eat your solids (kibs) and have twirling dance parties that usually lead you into a giggle fit and your cheesiest grin. You actually use vocal inflection yourself and are a chatty chatterbox. Lots of dadda and mama talk too. You love your lullabies before bed, but you always get one last bit of sillies out before easily falling asleep in your crib. You love plucking the guitar strings as daddy plays and singing along with me. 

You are crawling about incredibly fast. You make these silly noises of excitement as you cruise and the pitter patter of your knees and palms smacking the floor will be a sound, I always hold dear. Your knees now currently have permanent red spots and you're starting to get bruises here and there from various "bonks." You have your routine paths that you predictably follow. One for example is leaving the living room carpet, pulling up to the circular metal end table, beating it like a drum, then moving into the kitchen, stopping to flip the corner of the rug, and then b-lining it as fast as possible to the dog food bowls in the mud room (probably because you know we are close behind and ready to scoop you up). You are smoothly pulling yourself up to feet on all-of-the-things now as of last week. It is so fun to watch your skill and confidence build as you practice. Though you still have the tendency to trust fall when you are "done" so we stay nearby to assist. 

Burlioz is your confidant. He watches you closely and if a "stranger" gets too close is quick to step in front of you to block them or barks to ask for space. If I keep him out of the nursery while you're playing, both of you go to the gate and try to get to the other (so obviously I let him in). You used your splash pad for the first time yesterday and he was lifeguard on duty, staying very close. You love sucking on your stuffed animals' noses (Lovey Leopard and Lovey Marie especially) and even have done this to Burlioz several times. Heidi Rae loves keeping close to the stroller on walks and kissing your toes. 

I find it hard to say which you love more: reading your books or eating them. You have eight teeth (and two molars coming in) and are able to chew holes into the corners of your books (that rival the ability of Macchiato). In fact, I had to move your books into the closet for now and get them out when it is time to read. I can say "Genevieve do you want to read a booky?" And you will look at your bookshelves and smile. Near the end of each wakeful period, you slow down and want to read a book or two. You understand when the book closes it is "finished" and will go "uhhhh?!" or start to fuss; though it quickly turns into a grin when I pick up the next book or start again. Touch and Feel Puppies and Kittens is your favorite book--hands down. Your daddy and I have it memorized and if we start reciting it as you're getting into something, you stop in your tracks to look at us. One of my favorite memories to date is you dragging your big, Your My Little Honey Bunny book and deer blanket into my lab, clearly asking to read and be close. While you are independent you are oh so loving and it means so much more accepting your attention on your own terms. 

You love water. Whether you're playing in your bathtub, standing attentively at your water table, or splish-splashing on your splash pad. You blow bubbles in your drinking cups and love splashing when water gets on your highchair. You also love the weaning table daddy built you and go up to it and look back at us, asking to sit and play. You chill as I run with you and tolerate 6 miles like a champ now. You ran with me in my first race postpartum and we took second in my age group! All the runners we passed commented on your happy and relaxed demeanor, and I joked how you were clearly the one doing all the work. You've been loving our playdates with friends and Jack and Avery are your besties. You love grabbing their faces and poking them (with your newly developed pointer skills). Last week Calyn and I laughed as you took your ice cream cone teether and "shared" it with Avery... twice... putting it to her mouth and grinning at us. What a great little helper and friend you already are. 

I could fill this letter with pages of moments and memories, because each day you fill our lives with moments we cherish. You are only a value-add to our lives and truly feel that everything is a little better when you are included. We are better people (and strive to grow and become better still) because of you. Somehow watching you grow and develop reminds us that we too are not done growing and developing. I am working on being calm, flowing, and present. Daddy is working on being present and prioritizing quality time. We are building a life that enables you to thrive and not just survive. Though while we are intentional, we leave space to meet you where you are (and who you are). We realize as parents we cannot protect you from everything, but we are also aware that as parents we are your models, mentors, and advocates. This is why we are mindful of our habits, words, and activities. We do not see you as a little person that ought to mold into what we need, but rather construct a new way that is optimal for all of us. We do not strive to keep you protected and safe from discomfort, but we are mindful of your environment, what we expose you to, and what resources you have access. As you grow, we continue to let go, give developmentally appropriate space, and allow you to feel the range of emotions--with us nearby if you need us. 

In each of these letters I have written you a poem. In the quarter-year letter I chose a haiku because like a haiku, you were tiny yet impactful. In your six-month letter I chose an acrostic poem because you were really developing your own personality and coming into who "Genevieve" is. For your three-quarters letter, I wrote a forward-and-backward poem since you were nine months in/nine months out. For this letter, I chose to write lyrics to a song and daddy made the music with his guitar. We still need to record it, but I will conclude with the lyrics. 

Genevieve, my girl, my heart we loved you from the very start. You're perfect, my dear, the world is so much better because you are here. 

With all my heart, 
Mama 

G's Song 

My girl, my heart
We loved you so much from the very start
You’re perfect, my dear
The world is so much better because you are here

We didn’t know how great it would be,
We love being daddy and mommy.

You crawl right now but soon you will run
We’re here for each stage just having fun.

the world may have so much pain and strive
You’re proof of the inherent goodness in life

You make us want to be better and grow
Your impact on us is bigger than you can know.

My girl, my heart
We loved you so much from the very start
You’re one now, my dear,
The person you’re becoming is unknown yet clear.

You’re calm yet intense
and small but oh so wise
We get lost looking into your gorgeous eyes

You’re independent, confident and silly too
We loving watching everything that you do

We can’t wait to see
All the wonderful versions of G
that there will be.

My girl my heart,
We loved you so much from the very start

To us,
you’ll always be
A light in our lives,
Our precious Genevieve

My girl, my dear
Our lives are forever better cause you’re here.

If there's one lesson I have learned in motherhood, it is the value in connecting to other mamas. So many incredible women wing it intentionally in their own unique way, and I want to highlight some of them, who do exactly that. If you know a mama (or are one) who would like to be featured, please email me at [email protected]. 

When I decided to start Mama Features, I knew I wanted to talk to McKenzie. She is a CEO and entrepreneur and the mother to a beautiful 5-month-old baby girl named Scarlet. While pregnant, she dealt with insane and enduring "morning" sickness, weekly flights, an out-of-state move in the third trimester, and opened a fourth office. Postpartum, she hit the ground running juggling work and a newborn and rather than hire fulltime help, has been mom-ing and CEO-ing simultaneously, bringing Scarlet to the office, on out-of-state conference trips, and exemplifying how badass and dynamic moms are. There is absolutely no exaggeration when I say McKenzie is a powerhouse. 

McKenzie shared that she sits down every week with her fiancé to do "Big Rocks" a concept by Stephen Covey (learn more here:  BigRocks | Time Management | You can design your life ).  This metaphor explores how you can best spend your limited time (represented by a glass vase). Everything can fit, if you fill the vase in a mindful order. You must prioritize your biggest rocks (the most important tasks), then make room for your medium-size rocks (urgent tasks), and finally use the gaps that remain for the sand (least important tasks, social media, emails, etc.). I want to use this structure to share "a big rock, medium rock, and sand" takeaway I had from my discussion with McKenzie. 

BIG ROCK: Strategic Flexibility 
Prior to becoming a mom, Mckenize shared how she was a creature of consistency. She lived by a specific routine and would execute (clearly a true entrepreneur at heart). Though in postpartum life, she quickly realized that flexibility was going to be important in order to maintain productivity and a positive headspace. So, McKenzie uses that Sunday family meeting to schedule in what matters most and to make space for the rest. She said non-negotiables for her each week were the need for that family meeting to map out big rocks for everyone, 3-4 hours in the sun, and time to work. She would spend the morning on conference calls in her backyard and what a brilliant way to fit in two big rocks at once. When we spoke, McKenzie had been working two days in-office and two days at home. She also carved time to have family meals, spend quality time with Scarlet, and exercise (including a mommy-and-me workout class using your baby as your weight...again hitting two rocks at once).

McKenzie emphasized the importance of prioritizing mental and physical health in postpartum life. Although she loves consistency and follow-through, she's embracing trusting the need to wing it when necessary. In fact, we needed to push our meeting time slightly for this interview (which was informal and no problem at all) and she shared how it was a stretch for her to ask but she embraced that it was what needed to be done. THIS is so important for moms to do: have the courage to ask for what we need. I think I can speak for McKenzie, myself, and many other mamas (maybe you included) that doing this can feel so challenging. However, by doing it ourselves we give other moms the permission to set boundaries. 

"Consistency finishes what intensity starts." McKenzie shared this quote with me, and I can't help but think her mindfulness in planning and permission to be flexible enables her to support her employees, family, friends, and daughter to the best of her ability. Intensity can get you far, but burning yourself at both ends will lead to burnout. Wisely, McKenzie knows how to plan, how to focus, and how to pivot. 

MEDIUM ROCK: The Mom Title 
While McKenzie shared that she always knew she wanted to be a mom and wanted to have a family, she was surprised just how much she has loved BEING a mom. McKenzie lives in Arizona, and nowhere near family. So, Scarlet goes where mom and dad go most of the time. She shares dinners at great restaurants (loving all the sensory stimulation), comes along to black-tie awards events, and even went on her first out-of-country excursion to Mexico this month. McKenzie and her fiancé work hard and adventure hard too, and they are a beautiful example of how the life you live can be amplified by the addition of a little one, and not hindered by it. You don't need to change your lifestyle to fit what a baby needs but can create a beautiful life that resonates for the entire family. Just like in business, McKenzie marches to the beat of her own drum and her version of motherhood is her own unique beat and Scarlet is thriving dancing to its rhythm. 

When I see how Scarlet has her own setup in McKenzie's office (even her own mini Apple laptop) at work or how McKenzie is present on our monthly Mastermind calls while breastfeeding Scarlet and still adding to the conversation meaningfully, I am ever impressed by the way she embraces her obligations with motherhood. She shows up with intensity and consistently follows through.

The title of mom is a beautiful one. I know it will be a cliche to say you don't get it until you are one, but I think what that statement means is truly you don't know the impact that title will have on you until you are one. This made me reflect on my own feelings attached to this title. For me, being a mom emboldens me to grow. While I have always felt as though I am a growth-mindset person, I believe it has sharpened my desire to grow and remain aligned to my values. Rather than seeking growth from a place of lack or a need to be better, I do so with greater compassion and love (not only for Genevieve and others but myself too). I do not have space for gossip or negative people. I have more patience and a deeper desire to value connection. I strive to seek gradual improvements each day instead of trying to redline myself with a Big-Gulp-sized goal (aiming for a 10K instead of a half marathon for example). I am simply more present and joyful on my journey, and when I spoke with McKenzie about the title of motherhood, I know that parallels her experience as well. 
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SAND: Support System
I mentioned McKenzie doesn't live near family and is an active CEO of a company with four offices in different states (and in the process of opening two more). How on earth does she do this and care for Scarlet? She describes ways she does utilize help and support. For the first month after Scarlet was born, McKenzie's mom came to bond and assist. Gushing at their sustained connection from afar, McKenzie shared how the Facebook Portal (video conferencing device) enables her mom to "babysit" Scarlet (with McKenzie nearby of course). Since the device focuses in on the subject if it moves, her mom can read to Scarlet and watch her while McKenzie can be in the room but have her attention divided. 

In the office, there is an employee that loves babies and will take Scarlet during a presentation or meeting. Whether McKenzie works from home or the office, she will also utilize an Uber-Nanny-like service (uniquely only in Arizona right now) called BusyBees that links nannies and sitters to mothers. You can work with a favorite nanny or find someone new, and it is a great way to secure childcare on a flexible basis (daycare usually requires full-time payment and traditional nannies are a costly commitment). I hope this service takes off, because I know so many families who would benefit from this type of service. Fortunately, McKenzie does have a good friend who lives in the area who comes and spends time with Scarlet as well, and who was vital when both she and her fiancé were down with the flu.

Each circle of helpers for mamas looks different, but we truly get by with a little help from our friends (insert any word here like family, coworker, etc.). While support may be under the 'sand' category, it isn't because support is less important, but this support fills in where we cannot--just like the sand does in Covey's metaphor. 

Wanting to link the interview to the concept of the blog, my last question for McKenzie was "how does winging it or intentionality play into your experience as a mom?"  She laughed and said, "it's basically the whole experience." She went on to say how she is intentional about the way she shows up each day. But each day she wings it in HOW that looks. McKenzie is at the opposing spectrum of me in terms of careering in mamahood: her a CEO and I a stay-at-home mom. I am here to say one is not better than the other. I have found so much value in sharing my journey of motherhood beside McKenzie and other mamas--similar or dissimilar to me. I hope your tribe is broad and that you too can learn from and connect with all the ways motherhood can look, we are stronger for it, and I know our daughters will be too. 

Months ago, I found a quote that had a powerful impact on how I view motherhood. While I didn't save it, the quote read something along the lines of, 

My eyebrows raised and with a deep inhale and long exhale I considered these words. At the time, Genevieve was still a non-mobile babe. But in that moment, I realized how many versions of G had already departed. Goodbye to the little newborn overhead stretches, goodbye to the milk drunk tree frog that passed out on my chest, and to that little tongue that was seemingly always outside of her mouth.

And now, months later I realize we are beyond her phase of rolling across the room to get everywhere (including to settle in the crook of my body). Less romantically, we are beyond the phase of her laying still for diaper changes, and she now rolls and grabs at anything she can. This last example is not my favorite (especially when she grabs and turns the wipe warmer on its head). Though I am reminded that soon enough this phase will come to an end as well because along this journey, all things do pass. A habit or phase you are experiencing right now: whether you love it or are feeling frustrated: will pass. 

This realization hit me like a strong gust of wind (a resonant example with how ungodly windy our weather has been these past few weeks). When I look at my now ten-month-old G, I see that her hair is growing longer and starting to wave, her newborn grunts have morphed and become intentional sounds, and she crawls with speed and gusto.  

Yesterday Genevieve crawled out of her room and into the hallway towards the guest bedroom across the hall. Previously, anytime she entered this threshold where the carpet transitioned into the hard floor, she'd pause, hold herself in her lean-to-sit position and look back at me for a reaction before continuing on. On this day, she simply kept her momentum and eyes on her path ahead. In that instant, I felt a mingling of emotions. But as I looked at that poufy diaper butt, the voice in my head lovingly reminded me to "keep letting her go."

And with a smile, I watched her go.

When I say "letting her go" I am not talking about removing attachment or creating distance. In fact, I have still yet to have a babysitter for G and don't plan on having one any time soon. But what I do mean is I need to continually expect change and respect the present version of Genevieve, who is continuing to form in front of my eyes. Now that she is crawling everywhere this means allowing her to have space to explore, possibly get hurt, and to lick the floor (something she loves that makes me cringe). But beyond physically giving her more space, I need to mentally and emotionally let go too. This little person, whom I love so much, doesn't need me less: she needs me differently. 

Rather than mourn the loss of the stages we are beyond, I instead I revere the phases that have been a part of our experience. I try to take picture or video snap shots to remember moments or phases, I journal about them to commit them to memory, and I see the more complex 'version' of what she looks like or does and remember the more rudimentary version we are beyond. Don't get me wrong, there are of course pangs of sadness. However, there is an appropriate place for us to feel sadness--it isn't always a bad thing. When I notice I am feeling that sadness I breathe through it and acknowledge the sensation. As I fill my lungs with air, I too fill my heart with joy from those many moments I will forever cherish with the 'Genevieve of the past,' and how absolutely perfect she is in this moment that I am with right now. Because as I know, this version too will pass. 

When I watched Genevieve crawl away from me in that hallway it reminded me that she will continue to move away from me in myriad ways. I don't mean that she will not be in a close relationship to me, but rather than her world will only continue to expand. Think of the analogy for how a parent's heart grows when you have a baby. The love of your baby doesn't take up a huge (limited) space in your heart, but rather enables your heart and capacity of love to expand exponentially. My role as her mother will continue to expand and change as well, and my intention is to accept and adapt to what each phase calls for as her world grows.

​While I know so much winging it goes into the transition to a new phase (whether that is a non-mobile baby to a mobile one or even a child transitioning to a tween and then teen), intentionality is important too. I seek to find the awe and wonderful attributes of each phase and focus my attention on them. When Genevieve was a newborn, I tried to flow with our 2-3 hour feeding schedule and not focus on my lack of sleep. When G blew out her diaper after her 2 am feed EVERY night for two months, I patiently sat and waited for her to go before attempting to go back to sleep (and calmly changed her diaper, pjs, sleep sack, and sheets--no hyperbole, EVERY night). When Genevieve enters the teen years, I know that peers become more important than the family unit and to brace myself for verbal spars and eye rolling. In that phase too I will support her as she needs and not as I *wish* she needed me. 

An important outlook for me as a parent is not to see Genevieve as "my baby forever." Instead, I wish to hold her as a person who I will love forever. Genevieve is ever becoming, and I want her to know I value who she is--not my favorite version of who she was. I will hold all those joyful memories in my heart. Though I will too, remember my heart (thanks to her) is ever expanding. 

We may need to say goodbye a million different times, but isn't it incredible we get to say hello a million different times too?  

Meal prep is not a foreign concept to us thanks to bodybuilding. I've had prep plans where I eat a meal containing a 3 oz. serving of steak, chicken, halibut, and egg whites all in a single day (every day). That being said: the decision to make all of Genevieve's food from scratch seemed totally doable. We opted to go the pureed-food route as opposed to baby led weaning. Therefore, I will be speaking from my experience thus far using pureed foods for her meal prep. I know many parents who opt to make baby food freeze servings and pop them into the microwave as needed. However, we never liked prepping our own meals this way, and instead preferred fresher foods and prepped meals every 3-4 days; this is the approach we take with Genevieve's meal preparations as well. 

Routine and Meals Overview 
Genevieve eats three meals of solids per day. When we first introduced solids at six months, I started gradually with one food (a new food every three days to give room to determine any reactions) and one evening feeding. As I built that into our routine, I added a second morning solid food session. This would sometimes be a "lunch" and other times a "dinner" based on our schedule. Then we moved to a pretty consistent "breakfast, lunch, and dinner" routine. So since about 7-7.5 months old, our schedule has looked like this (I do not keep a rigid time schedule but instead follow this "habit" for wakeful periods): 

Routine of Bottle/ Solids/ Sleep: 
Wake for the Morning 
First Bottle of Breast Milk 
First Solid Feeding (about one hour after bottle)
First Nap
Wake/ second bottle of breast milk 
Second solid deeding about one hour after bottle 
Second nap 
Wake/ third bottle of breast milk 
Third solid feeding (about one hour after bottle)
Fourth and last bottle of the day (at bedtime) 
* Lots of play and activity in the wakeful periods before and after feedings of bottles and solids and she sometimes wakes for another bottle in the night, usually 4 am and returns to sleep until 7-8 am 

This rhythm works very well for us. Genevieve is always hungry for a bottle upon waking and works up an appetite for solids an hour after that. Her bottle intake varies. Sometimes she will eat only 1-2 ounces at a time, and at other times she will finish a whole 9 oz bottle. She averages 5-7 oz per feeding. Genevieve has always had a slightly higher-than-average intake of milk. 

While we are mindful to introduce new foods to Genevieve, we are very relaxed about it. So, when we make our weekly grocery list, we ask ourselves (What hasn't she had yet? What is seasonally available?) or we may see something interesting at the store and try it out. In our experience, it often takes Genevieve 3-5 attempts of trying a new food to like it. We always (casually) add a new food to her plate but take it slow and don't force her to eat a lot of that food. We find she comes around and eats it well once her taste buds have had some time to adjust to the taste. So don't be discouraged if your little decides they "don't like something." Keep trying and don't worry about food waste because it is part of the process to explore new foods and flavors (our dogs get her leftovers as toppers and enjoy it immensely. While we do introduce new foods to Genevieve, I will describe the general three-meal structure we follow daily. This offers Genevieve a variety of foods per day but is also fairly regular and predictable which is easy for Andrew or me to anticipate. We also introduce allergens on weekends or on a slow day in case we have a reaction that needs our attention and keep baby Benadryl in the house. 

General Meal Breakdown: 
Meal One: Oatmeal, Nut butter (peanut butter or almond butter), fruit in a mesh "Muchkin fresh food feeder" (usually blueberries, raspberries, or blackberries), and sometimes eggs (scrambled or pureed)
Meal Two: Half a container of "Stonyfield Organic Baby Yogurt" (I save the other half for the next day), green veggie puree, orange veggie puree, protein puree, and a few cheerios 
Meal Three: Half an avocado (save the other half for next day and wrap in press and seal wrap) mashed with a chunk of mashed banana (saved from my breakfast), green veggie puree, orange veggie puree, protein puree, and maybe some cheerios
* Sometimes meal two or three will also have white or brown rice puree or quinoa

The Purees
Now that I've described what the overall structure looks like, I will go into more detail about our purees. Like I mentioned in the intro, we keep our foods in the fridge--you can freeze your foods and they will last longer, so keep that in mind when I describe how long we "keep" our purees. You should always do a sniff or taste test to ensure quality and freshness. 

Purees and Time in the Fridge: 
- Protein Purees: 24-48 hours (we go with 48 hours unless the protein is fish) 
- Veggie Purees: 3 days 
- Rice/ Quinoa: 2-3 days 
- Oatmeal: 4-5 days 

We keep our purees in glass prep meal containers that come in different sizes. This set is perfect for us and makes storage easy. I was also gifted small, individual-portion containers and use those for occasional fruit purees, yogurt, and for portions to pack a lunch when we are on the go. We use masking tape and a permanent marker to write what is contained and the date made for a quick reminder. 

Since food before one is primarily about supplementation, exploration, and building an understanding of eating, we lead with veggies and always keep a "green" and "orange" veggie mix in the fridge. We focus much less on fruit and usually will give her blueberries or a banana because those are the fruits in the house that I eat. G is prone to diaper rash, and we notice when her fruit intake is higher, the rashes seem worse. We usually buy an additional fruit like cantaloupe, mango, papaya, or raspberry every other week and make a puree and give at meal 2 or 3.

Her green veggie base is often a mixture of greens, but we almost always use zucchini. We will add in spinach, broccoli or green bell pepper as well. Her orange veggie is usually one veggie and is most often sweet potato, but we also use carrots and butternut squash. Her protein puree varies and is often related to whatever we are making for dinner. We will cut off a piece of salmon, chicken, ground beef, or ground turkey to make a puree without our added salts and seasonings and in a pinch, it's always easy to use eggs. I also use canned foods like corn, black beans, and a combination of peas and carrots (all organic and no salt added) to keep in the pantry just in case. 

How to make purees: 
If the vegetable needs to be steamed, broccoli or fresh green beans for example, we use a pot and steamer on the stove to do so prior to pureeing the food (though if you wanted you could buy those bags in the fridge or frozen to steam in the microwave) and then simply add to the food processor on the puree setting and add water gradually (I use the boiled water) to get the desired consistency. If the vegetable does not need to be steamed, you boil them in a pot of water until tender before pureeing. Sweet potatoes take the longest (between 12-15 minutes) but zucchini only takes about 5 minutes. Keep in mind the smaller the pieces the faster they will cook. Then you follow the same process of adding to the food processor and adding water until the desired consistency is achieved. Canned foods are the easiest--though we always rinse them thoroughly and then add filtered water to get the desired consistency in the food processor. We boil chicken or use a frying pan with extra virgin olive oil (a great way to add calories and healthy fats) to cook her meat portions and again follow the same process with the food processor. With the eggs we make them scrambled or sometimes puree them--Genevieve initially only enjoyed them pureed, but now enjoys grabbing the little hunks of egg with her fingers and feeding herself. 

Sometimes I make purees during Genevieve's naps or even start the process while she's in her highchair and amidst feeding her a solid meal. Andrew will often meal prep while cooking our dinner, or sometimes in the evening after G has gone to bed. We don't have a locked in way of doing it, and it usually only takes 30 minutes or so to prep a couple purees. Most of the time we only need to make one or two items and we always keep canned food in the pantry for convenience. Occasionally we won't have something, and we just omit it for that meal because it really isn't a big deal to not have a green veggie for meal 2 or a protein for meal 3. I have bought (but yet to try) the baby pouches of baby food and keep one in our diaper bag in case we are out and about and she's hungry for convenience. You don't need to make EVERY baby food your kiddo eats, but it can be a great way to limit their intake of additives and preservatives and is also much cheaper than pre-made baby food you purchase at the store. Andrew and I value nutrition and eating a whole-foods-based diet and so we want to continue exposing Genevieve to that as she grows. 

The Stuff that Helps 
When it comes to feeding, you do not need a million plates, bowls, and cups specifically for baby. I have one *nice* water-only sippy cup I use for Genevieve that I love. She has access to this all day long but not at mealtimes since I want to keep it clean without needing to deep clean it due to food debris. I use open cups and one silicon sippy cup at all solid feeding sessions. As it relates to plates and bowls: buy dishwasher and microwave safe options! I have a cute bamboo set, but we rarely use it because it cannot be microwaved (Genevieve prefers her meals heated slightly--I do 12 seconds). Honestly, we use our normal bowls and miniature plates to feed her, and they work great. I have tried myriad silicon spoons and found one set I love (fortunately it comes with six spoons...have lots of spoons). Though Genevieve loves eating off of a regular metal spoon, and I sometimes opt to use that (though I am the one doing the feeding with those). 

I purchased a dry erase board for the fridge to keep track of what was in the fridge as well. I have played around with what I capture on the board. Originally, I thought it would be important to write what she ate for each meal. This was helpful initially but soon we stopped writing it in as we got used to the groove of what we gave her each meal. Our current board is set up like this:

On the left there is a column titled (In the Fridge) this lists all purees in the fridge (we don't write down if half a yogurt or avocado are inside because we can prep them so quickly or see easily upon opening the fridge). The column next to that is titled "Need to Make" if we are on our last day of a food, we write in the item needed in that section (and strike through the food in the first column so we can quickly see it is IN the fridge but know it won't be good by end of day). We don't go into specifics but say "protein," "green," or "orange" because we know what that means and have an idea of what is on hand from that week's grocery shopping, I may add a specific like "rice" or " fruit puree" if it is something a bit abnormal from our standard list. Next to that I have a section called "Other" and Below that write a space for the day of the week and current date. This captures all the information we need to know or communicate to one another since we share responsibilities as partners. Below is a list of those items I have mentioned for anyone curious. 

Materials We Use 
- Food Processor (Ninja® )
- Masking Tape & Permanent marker 
- Silicon Plates and Bowls 
- Silicon Sippy Cup ( Bella Tunno® Girl Boss Happy Sippy Cup In Purple | Bed Bath & Beyond (bedbathandbeyond.com)
- All-the-time water bottle ( Amazon.com: Baby Soft Spout Sippy Cups, Learner Cup with Removable Handles, Leak-Proof, Spill-Proof, A Straw Brush, Break-Proof Cups for Toddlers Infant, 9 Ounce (Green) : Baby ) 
- Glass prep containers ( Anchor Hocking® 20-Piece Storage Container Set )
- Small Plastic Containers ( Amazon.com : melii Snap & Go Baby Food Freezer Storage Containers & Snack Containers - Set of 6, 2oz : Baby ) 
- Silicon Spoons ( Amazon.com: PrimaStella Silicone Rainbow Chew Spoon Set for Babies and Toddlers | Safety Tested | BPA Free | Microwave, Dishwasher and Freezer Safe : Baby )
- Magnetic Dry Erase Board and Markers ( Amazon.com : Whiteboard Magnetic Dry Wipe Board Self Adhesive A4 for Any Smooth Surface with New Stain Resistant Technology,Home Kitchen Fridge Shopping List and Office Notice Board (Black 12” X 8”) : Office Products ) 

Genevieve is a very curious and adventurous eater.  Our solid food journey has been fun. Watching her eyes light up when a favorite food (yogurt) is offered or seeing her evolve from only eating pureed eggs to the joy of feeding herself scrambled eggs with her fingers is so rewarding. Prepping your own baby food takes less time and work than you'd expect. Food nourishes the mind, body, and spirit and we are mindful of the relationship with food we are helping Genevieve foster for a life of health and happiness. Food is fuel and fun! 

Hands down, the Hatch sound machine was the registry item most widely recommended to me (and completely lives up to the hype). We have used this device ever since G came home from the hospital for every night and nap. Why use a sound machine? While these machines do not aid (primarily) in helping your little fall asleep, the purpose is to help them stay asleep (and more easily self-soothe from a nightmare or disruption). Although the saying "slept like a baby" is often used to indicate a hard and deep night's sleep, once you have a newborn you will quickly realize that is NOT an accurate characterization. Instead, a baby's slumber is filled with grunts, rousing, and occasional cries. 

An Overview 
Hatch offers four sound machines that vary in features and price (ranging from $40-$120). I opted for the Hatch Rest ($60) because the features aligned with how I wanted to utilize the device (I didn't need the clock or Alexa functionality that comes with the Rest +). So, as I speak to the features of this device, I am using my own frame of reference using the Hatch Rest specifically. If you want to compare models you can do so here: Hatch Rest - Baby Night Light Sound Machine | Hatch

Simple and minimalist is the best way to describe the look of the Hatch. While off, the device is a soft, white color with no visible buttons or lights. The device has smooth lines and resembles a cone-ish cylindrical shape that would look nice in any nursery. The buttons for the Hatch are on the bottom of the device and are out of eyesight of little ones; though, the child can easily turn on and rotate though favorite presets by touching the top of the device.

The device is linked to an app: Hatch Sleep. The app is intuitive and easy to use, can connect multiple devices (if you have them in multiple rooms in your home), and allows you to easily toggle the settings without entering your child's room. With eleven soothing sounds, ten preset nightlight colors (and an ability to choose any color you wish from a color wheel dial) you can customize your child's Hatch to fit their own unique preference. There is a timer function, if you know how long your kiddo generally naps and a "Programs" function where you can set up a range of time, you'd like the Hatch to be on and what sound/color you'd like to use: for example, I have one for "bedtime." 

How I Use It
When I first got the Hatch, I thought I would use the beautiful, mild, and low sound of birds chirping in nature. I envisioned using a fairly bright cream or green light and that newborn Genevieve would find this as serene as I did. LOL, NOPE. Instead, I found that Geneieve sleeps best with a very dim light (in red or deep purple). After doing a little research, I actually found that these colors stimulate better sleep than the lighter tones. Red creeps me out, so I use purple instead. Genevieve is not soothed by the birds chirping or even wind or waves. What does she like? The static sound of a television or the rolling dryer options. And the girl likes them LOUD. It actually took ME a while to get used to listening to them when I slept in her room or even now as I hear them through the monitor.

But they work wonders. If I use the app to turn the sound louder it actually calms her down at times when she's struggling to rest. I remember while pregnant, reading how making a loud "SHHHH" sound soothes baby, so it really isn't surprising that the television sound--loud--calms Genevieve to sleep.  Apparently, this is similar to the sound of rushing blood in mama's belly and is therefore a soothing and familiar lullaby. Usually, I have the sound situated at 24% but I will turn it up to 36% if there are loud disruptions in the house or if she is struggling to settle to sleep. 

The only program I have scheduled currently is Genevieve's "Bedtime." I set the hatch to turn on: dim purple light and television static on 24% at 6:53 pm and scheduled off at 7:53 am. Andrew likes to make fun of this weird timing, but usually we are starting to settle to rest just before 7 pm and she is always awake just before 8 am. If we go to bed earlier or wake earlier, I simply tap the device to turn it on to the correct setting and the program will kick in automatically at the preset time without me needing to adjust anything. Genevieve's nap times and durations vary, so I do not schedule them but rather tap to toggle the settings manually. 

The device allows you to set six favorites via the app. So, if you go to tap the top of the device, you are able to switch through those favorite combination light/sound settings. I set up mine intentionally. The first is her "Bedtime" setting, the second is the same light setting as her "Bedtime" but the sound is off. This allows me to quickly "turn off" the Hatch without using the app. I don't mind the light being on, but I do not want to hear that sound. My third setting is a rotation of rainbow colors without a sound. The next is lullaby music with a dim purple light. The next is a cream-colored light with forest sounds and the final is a green light with birds chirping--I will describe the purpose of these choices in the next section. 

Part of our "settle down" routine for naps and bed entail me holding Genevieve and having her tap the top of the Hatch to find the bedtime setting. She loves doing this and when we walk over to the Hatch, she will stretch her arm out to touch it and will do so a number of times before we settle on the right one. Of course, she really enjoys launching it off of the bookshelf, and so I can happily report the thing is VERY sturdy... This device has really helped Genevieve sleep through my vacuuming, the dogs' barking, the doorbell ringing, and other disruptions in the house. She might hear the disruption and stir but will most often resettle into her slumber. I will say Genevieve is not the most sound-sensitive baby, but I still believe it has helped us sustain sleep regardless of disruptors. 

Hatch in the Future
One thing I am particular about is Genevieve sleeping in her own room. We started her off in her nursery from the get-go and our bed is already overflowing with Saint Bernards, so we cannot safely add in a tiny person (seriously, some nights Andrew just sleeps on the floor next to the bed...). To establish this meant that in the newborn days I slept in the reclining glider in G's room or Andrew slept in the guest room next to the nursery. A small (temporary) price to pay for a habit I am grateful for. 

So as Genevieve gets older, I am also particular that she remains in her room until she has "permission" to leave it. I am not against snuggles in our bed as she enters the toddler years, or cuddles after a nightmare. Though those things will not evolve to a fifth body in our bed every night. I plan to use the Hatch to aid me in establishing expectations and a habit for when G can venture out of her room in the morning. 

Using my last two "favorites" (cream-colored light with forest sounds and green light with birds chirping) I will program them to turn on to signal to ​Genevieve she is able to leave her room and it is time to be up for the day. Therefore, Genevieve will know that if the Hatch is still purple with the television sound (or maybe a different combo if she wants to help choose settings as she gets older and can communicate preferences) she must remain in her room. By remaining in your room, I do not mean she has to stay in her bed with her eyes sealed shut. If she wants to get up, move around, play or read: she can do that. Because I also plan to use the same system of green light to signify leaving her room for naps as well: we will have a "quiet time" period regardless of if she falls asleep. My expectation will be that she remains in her room, occupying herself with rest or quiet activities. 

What I love about the app is I can set a program/timer for the transition, but I can also just decide it is okay for her to get up and turn on the "green light" manually without going into her room or changing the timer/program setting. This is also why I didn't want the Hatch Rest + with the time displayed on the device. I want her to respond as a toddler to the color rather than learning the time and trying to go off of that or noticing "it's not TIME for bed yet." The Hatch's colors and sounds can help us as we ease into bedtime "Oh look, the Hatch is purple and sounds like bedtime! Let's get our books and start settling down for the night." Or I can put my voice over the monitor "Genevieve, the light is green, you can come on out or keep reading if you'd like!" We can create habits and hold expectations. This is also helpful for safety, so Genevieve isn't exploring the house if we are still asleep. I am very aware that this strategy is a plan and can be subject to tweaking and changes. However, I believe intentionality, practice, and consistency will aid us in making this system work *most* of the time.

Just as I have been very mindful about how and what foods I introduce to Genevieve, having a strategy and plan are helpful. Of course, that requires patience and repeated effort, and mild tweaks of what is expected. Genevieve has learned to like salmon and to enjoy texture to her oatmeal, and I am confident that she can learn how to look to the Hatch for signals for when to rest and when she's free from her room. This is also why I have thought about how to implement the habit ahead of time. If I would have started introducing Genevieve to processed, sugary foods from the get-go, she might be a pickier eater. If I didn't try calmly and repeatedly to introduce foods she initially didn't favor, she wouldn't enjoy them now and expand her palate. I wanted to introduce her to a variety of nutritious non-processed whole foods and the time and energy it takes to prep and introduce these things has been well worth it. I feel the same about holding intentionality to this process, too. If I waited to use the "green light" routine after Genevieve was disrupting Andrew and my rest or was choosing to leave her room on her own, it would actually be harder to break the bad habit. So, starting with expectations means she knows no other way and more easily flows with the expectation. 

                                                                                                       ...
So, whether you're wondering if you should add a Hatch to your registry, or little's room, or purchase one off the loved one's registry: I say do it!

As a child with a rather large extended family, I dreaded hugging every relative upon arriving and departing from social gatherings. My defense mechanism was to simply be hugged, rather than embracing back (or I'd offering up a side-hug with my lips in a tense line). Then there is the memory of an uncle who tickled me until I peed myself. Another, of my repeated efforts to flee a man who would try to pinch my cheeks when he came to my mom's work. My uncle responsible for that embarrassing moment (one I was teased about for years) is a loving and kind man. The gym-goer who chased me around to pinch my cheeks was teasing in that "fun-loving-way" and meant no ill-will. Regardless of their harmless intent, the impact on me was negative and lasting. So too was the guilt I felt about needing to embrace every family member at gatherings. I mention the above examples related to touch to express partially why I am sensitive to the importance of body autonomy and boundaries. 

While Genevieve is young, Andrew and I are responsible for helping others understand and respect her body boundaries. This means that if 9-month-old Genevieve decides she doesn't want to be held by someone, she doesn't have to be. Actually, G has been a very independent kiddo from the get-go.  She fights being cradled and dislikes swings and bouncers that hold her. She'd much rather be free on a play mat and prefers falling asleep independently in her crib. Though at this time, she is very willing to be held by different people without any fuss. Developmentally, babies have separation anxiety from their parents. I see no need to "fight" through this stage, but rather believe it is fine to accept this temporary quality. By respecting her stage of development (that will change as she progresses) we hope to foster a positive association with touch. 

Genevieve has a very large extended family. Already she has twelve aunts and uncles, three sets of grandparents, eight cousins, and four living great-grandparents--all of whom live hours away from her. That being said: it is very likely that she does not inherently understand the "label" attached to the individual who wants to hug or hold her. I do not want to make an assumption that Genevieve will not want to embrace her extended family, but I too do not want to assume that she does. Rather than saying "go give grandma a hug hello!" We will instead say "Would you like to greet grandma with a hug, knuckles, or wave?" In this way we give Genevieve a limited number of choices. Developmentally open-ended questions are too much for kiddos; so, I would not want to say, "How would you like to greet grandma?" Though if G decides she really likes handshakes, and decides that is the way to greet everyone, that is a-okay with us. 

Another important concept of this exchange is the response of the person Genevieve is greeting. If someone uses emotional appeals "grandma would be so sad if you won't give her a hug..." or "show grandma how much you love her with a big hug!" Andrew and I will not only use that moment to (with emotional neutrality) express that Genevieve has choices for how to interact with this person, but also have a conversation when G is not around about avoiding language that may guilt Genevieve into stepping on her boundaries. Our hope is that extended family and friends will be patient and understanding as Genevieve forms her own bond (on HER terms) with each person. Prior to returning to visit with extended family I will share a message about choice in greeting, patience, and emotional appeals. This is simply to help avoid awkward moments and help everyone interact from the same page. 

Body autonomy is more than just hugging and holding though. While we adorn Genevieve in bows and dresses for now, we will be mindful of her preferences as she forms them. So, if she decides bows aren't for her: we will support that. If she decides she wants to wear a dress every day, we support that too. In fact, when G is old enough to weigh in on her own clothing, I will always put out two options for the day for her to select from (again, kids like a limited number of choices at this age rather than an entire closet of choices).

We also respect her autonomy at mealtimes. As her parent, I can control what she has access to eating. Genevieve is in control of what and how much she eats. I want her to learn to trust her cues for when she is full. Similarly, I will respect her food preferences and aversions. When introducing a kiddo to solids it often takes 5-7 introductions for them to like (or tolerate) the food. Genevieve hated salmon at first, now she eats it every week. Previously, she only ate eggs pureed, but now loves them scrambled. This shows preferences evolve and by continuing to calmly and without force offer different foods and preparations of them to her, she is able to explore and interact with them on her own terms. 

Another important element of body autonomy is understanding the appropriate terms for body parts. Genevieve will not hear "who-ha" or whatever other silly term is used for private parts. Instead, we will use correct anatomical words: vagina, labia, penis, testicles, breasts, nipples. Using these labels also helps protect Genevieve from inappropriate touch. A child who is able to use these terms is better able to thwart an abuser and would be better able to communicate to a trusted adult any inappropriate experience. 

When Andrew and I discussed the topic of having a baby we only disagreed on two things. Ironically, I would not have thought of them as related to the value of fostering body autonomy. While I was in support of circumcision if we had a boy and piercing baby's ears if she was a girl, Andrew disfavored both. In fact, his argument was that both dismissed the child's choice in the matter was what convinced me to change my position. To me, it made sense to circumcise because traditionally that is what is "normal." Then I wanted to pierce our daughter's ears because it wasn't until the third time as a young adult that my ear piercing took; I thought doing it while she was a baby would be easier and she'd be happy it was "done" already. However, Andrew's argument was valid: the kid deserves a say in something that permanently alters their body. 

Genevieve will be raised to determine for herself how she embraces those in her life (including us as her parents). We will respect her boundaries and help others do the same without having expectations or using guilt. I understand that there is a learning curve. Older generations don't inherently think that you should ask a little if it is okay to pick them up before doing so, or simply give them time to come to you instead of expecting a hearty embrace from the start. Like Ted Lasso says, “Well, you know my philosophy when it comes to cats, babies, and apologies, Coach. You gotta let 'em come to you.”   How much more meaningful is a hug or kiss when the kiddo is excited to give it?

Dear Genevieve, 

You are at such a fun and interactive age. Loud noises (my voice, the dogs barking) bring a huge smile to your face. Scaring you sends you into fits of laughter too. Twirling, dance parties, and papa flying you around the living room are a few of your (growing) list of favorite activities. You even sing along (vocal and eyebrow inflection included) to the special playlist I created for you. A smile is (nearly) always planted on your face. You love playing all around your house, visiting friends, or going anywhere we take you. Going with the flow is natural for you (unless its nap time and then you want your crib and for the room to be very dark). 

You are sitting up more, love rolling (with an impressive back arch) to get where you want to go, and really started crawling forward this morning. Racing past milestones is not your way--you are very chill and content. The only time you really race--in fact--is when you're trying to get to your dresser to pull the drawer open (and so the babyproofing begins). You love elevating your feet and doing leg presses on EVERYTHING. Your legs are pretty strong too (mama's hams and papa's quads for sure). When you're done sitting up, you throw yourself backwards and you're learning that doing a back arch while wedged under your crib results in pain (as I told you: some lessons in life hurt). 

Your eyes are continuing to shift into whatever their permanent color will be and are absolutely stunning.  Four teeth coming in simultaneously on top (and honestly, I think more are on the way). You've been a trooper handling the discomfort and your papa and I are impressed by your pain tolerance. Your hair is growing longer, especially on the sides by your ears and on the top-middle of your head. For height and weight, you are in the 39th percentile and just now filling out 6–12-month-old clothing. Your little voice is often chattering, or you are conducting experiments with the sounds of your tongue. 

Burlioz is quickly becoming your favorite pal. He guards you and has even taken a couple of your wooden blocks for himself. You pat him and he lays very close while you play now. Heidi gives you kisses on your toes and head throughout the day, too. Sometimes you pull a hunk of hair off of them, but they quickly forgive you for it. When we do family walks, Heidi stays as close to you as possible and Burlioz will sometimes bark when someone gets closer to you that he deems appropriate. 

You have been joining me for at least one of my runs each week as we prepare together to work towards the 10K we will be running together at the end of March. There are days that you love it and days that you don't, but you are tolerating longer distances as the weeks go by. Unless the wind or sun are in your eyes, you seem to really enjoy the running stroller and facing forward.

An independent girl you are. You entertain yourself with toys or your activity center throughout the day but love closer snuggles and bonding time in the evenings. Your "You are My Little..." books, Touch and Feel books, and Paddington Bear books are your favorite. Wooden blocks, animals, and silicon teethers have also given you relief from those pesky teeth cutting in. 

Solids are solid! You gobble down "kibs" three times a day and thus far enjoy (or tolerate) everything. Your least favorite food is brown rice, but you will eat it with mango. You are obsessed with yogurt and your eyes get so big when you know it's coming. Heidi and Burlioz enjoy your breakfast scraps, and you love listening to music while enjoying your meals. You make less of a mess these days while eating, and drink well from an open cup (with support). You finally moved into solid poops (yay) and blowouts are much rarer (thank goodness). 

GG, we love watching as your personality continues to bloom. You are so chill but have bursts of intensity too. I was listening to a book by Michael A. Singer and the way he described a Taurus (which you are) seemed to personify you well. You have been with us now for as long as it took to grow you in my belly. Because of that, I wrote you a poem that can be read from start to finish or from end to start. As time goes on, we only love you deeper. We are grateful for the stages of you that we experienced and have passed, look forward to all there is to come, and are truly appreciating the place you are right now. 

With All My Love, 
Mama 

For nine months you grew inside of my womb, 
in our house and hearts, we easily made room.
With immediacy our love was deep and true,
words cannot convey how much we care for you. 
So tiny and mighty, So active and strong
your personality buds, though I knew you all along. 
With confident ease you contemplate and seek, 
your intensity reminds us you certainly aren't meek. 
Your eyes sparkle, and you melt all with your grin.
Yet we are met with sass and anger when we say "give me min." 
Transitions are incessant--so much letting go. 
But Genevieve, darling, this you should know: 
we accept that you'll change.  Here with you we'll be
with our minds on the present and *this* version of G. 
Time doesn't go fast, though change quickly you do, 
embracing these nine months we've had with you. 

February is the month of the heart. Not only in the Cupid-and-Chocolates L-O-V-E kind of way, but also in the heart-health kind of way (American Heart Month). So, today's post merges both celebrations. Earlier this month, Genevieve had her fourth cardiologist appointment. We had another EKG and limited ECHO; I can attest that keeping an 8-month-old baby calm during all the probing is definitely more challenging. All things considered, G was a rockstar. Fortunately, her VSD looked a bit tighter, and the doctor was happy with her overall growth and development. Not only can we push Geneieve's next appointment out, but this also means we do not need surgery, medications, or activity restrictions. Though, Genevieve DOES still have a heart defect (that may never heal entirely). So, we will continue to monitor her heart for years to come. Andrew and I continue to keep this topic far from our focus (but are well versed in any symptoms we need to watch for). There is no point to worry about what could happen. I still avoid googling details, and I listen and ask only relevant questions to G's medical team. 

As positive as I try to stay about this, I would be lying to say it doesn't weigh on my own heart. Going into this appointment I didn't have the same belly-full-of-butterflies I had for the previous three. But fatigue found me when we were comfortably back at home after G's appointment. Later that same evening I felt compelled to write a post about this topic--not specifically about Genevieve's heart--but fears. 

I can't say why, but I have always handled significant problems better than the small ones. I respond very well to crises that arise, but often find myself wasting energy ruminating on smaller problems or inconveniences (something I am consciously working on improving). While my brain (somehow) is able to let go of the need to focus on Genevieve's heart condition, my amygdala would cling to a mild concern about Genevieve; I will use sleeping as an example to explore. 

Genevieve has been a phenomenal sleeper from day one, when she was asleep, she stayed asleep (and is thankfully a long sleeper so two-hour naps are a norm for us). She needs very little time to fall asleep, doesn't need set rituals or a tight bedtime, and wakes maybe once a night. While it sounds like I have hit the jackpot on infant sleep--mama fears have definitely kept me from fully appreciating it. 

​Most mama friends I talk to share the fear that something may happen while their baby is asleep. I have had countless conversations about devices that track vitals, room sharing-crib transition, breathable mattresses, and the stress-checks to make sure baby is still breathing. There are times where I zoom in and watch the monitor to see that Genevieve's chest is rising and falling. Other times I feel compelled to go into her room and see for myself (which occasionally results in her nap ending prematurely). No doubt some of this mama anxiety stems from the fear of SIDS and the fact that much is still unknown about it. 

My fears were exacerbated after reading from What to Expect in the First Year. When I was reading the "month overview" shortly after Genevieve's second Cardiologist appointment, the book speculated that SIDS might be tied to an (undiagnosed) heart condition in baby (this is why I avoid google, people). I immediately felt my shoulders rise and the deep breath caught in my throat. I thought: but my baby HAS a heart condition, and what if she experiences heart failure while sleeping and I can't see the signs? 

The above question is exactly what runs through my mind when the urge arises to check on her during her slumber. My mind convinces me that I should go and check on her because if I found her unresponsive, I would know sooner and could therefore resuscitate her (it sounds dark--I know).  I do not have the urge to check on her incessantly, it is a fear that comes and goes. I also work consciously to break this attachment to fear. 

As time has progressed, I have gotten better at holding this mama fear. I don't have this fear during her night-time sleep (ironically). Genevieve has been in her crib from the get-go. But for the first four months I slept in my reclining glider across the room from her crib with the baby monitor propped next to my head. Our doctor's recommendation was to wait until Genevieve was four months and approximately 12 pounds before letting her sleep longer than five hour stretches at nighttime. But she went from sleeping five hours to ten/eleven hours at a time quickly, and that was when I returned back to the master across the house at bedtime. 

If a negative thought or urge to check on her comes to mind while I am falling asleep, I let myself breathe deeply and clear my mind of the fear I am irrationally experiencing. I found that with time I could "get over" the fear and fall asleep faster with this practice. Also, those intrusive thoughts now come to mind less frequently as I fall asleep. 

Naps--for whatever reason-- are a different story. I attribute this to the fact that I am awake and therefore those intrusive, fearful thoughts come to mind while my mind is alert. I continue to resist the urge to check on G (though occasionally still do). I align to what is actually happening in order to resist my reptile-brain's desire to cling to fear. So, I tell myself: "G is sleeping well, you saw her move on the monitor five minutes ago, she's not sick and is acting normal: YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY." 

Fortunately, with intentionality, time, and self-talk practice this concern occupies less space in my mind. If this was something I was dealing with that was having a crippling effect on me, I would absolutely seek help and support from an expert. If you are reading this and you are dealing with a crippling fear postpartum, I encourage you to lean into an expert to support you. However, from my many conversations with all types of mamas I find this fear (and fears in general) to be commonly shared in the experience of loving a tiny little person so deeply. I too know that peace does not come from the absence of stress or anxiety but from the ability to not attach to (and in fact resist) those negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Our amygdala is always going to fire in an attempt to keep us (and those we hold most dear) safe and WILL occasionally misfire. 

​When negative emotions rear their heads, we can choose to let them run wild and over-react, or we can consciously choose to overcome them. As a parent, I learned (even while pregnant) the mind will always worry (or worry we should be worrying about something we aren't yet aware of). From my shared example I hope you are able to give yourself grace for having your own mama fears and also work hard to face and overcome some of your less-desirable responses to them. Our kiddos learn from what we do (more than what we say they should do) therefore I prioritize working through my own stuff, not only for the benefit of preserving my own happiness, but also because I deeply want Genevieve to healthfully cope with her own fears and anxieties. 

The first year of life is basically an incessant transition (for baby and parent alike). With some feeling like a bigger shift than others. Transitioning into solids was a Saint-Bernard-size adjustment. To prepare, I refreshed my memory on infant CPR and choking and purchased a new food processor since we are opting to make all of G's food ourselves. Like any transition, your mindset, basic knowledge, and the learning you pick up along the way will assist you as you bring up baby. 

Mindset
My general attitude when it comes to teaching something new (whether this is to a child, adult, or dog) is "trimming the fat." This means I do not lead with the expectation of perfection; instead, I try to hold realistic expectations (we must start somewhere, and the process will improve).  I don't expect the chicken breast to be ready to eat right out of the package; I need to mindfully cut off the undesirable stuff before seasoning it and throwing it onto the grill. 

I take this same approach with Genevieve and food. I focus on introducing G to a variety of different foods and give multiple opportunities to try each one. I read--and can say that my experience with Genevieve supports--repeat exposure to the same food promotes liking the food (in the ballpark of seven attempts before a kiddo may begin liking a food). The first time G had a banana she coughed and immediately vomited twice the amount that went in (to the amusement and slight horror of Andrew and me). Now she goes crazy for banana with oats or avocado.  Giving G exposure to foods again and again--and sometimes in different forms--helps expand her palette. 

I do not expect Genevieve to eat without making a mess. In fact, we embrace the messiness of this phase. While stripping her down for every feed, cleaning up, and multiple baths (or water wipe baths) a day can be annoying: 'tis the season (and just like the obnoxious stripping for newborn skin-to-skin feeds: it will pass). My priority is to teach G independence by allowing her to take the lead, develop motor skills, and learn food is fun. There is a time for making a mess and a time for being clean. I do not believe we are establishing bad habits because as she gets better at feeding herself, we will naturally "trim the fat" and the size of the mess (and amount of time cleaning up) will decrease. In fact, I have already noticed a significant improvement. 

We also found that Genevieve does prefer her food (oatmeal and veggie purees) heated slightly rather than cold. Several sources expressed that 'babies don't care about temperature' but I found that not to be consistent with Genevieve's personal preference. Also, texture can play a role. Genevieve wouldn't touch scrambled eggs, but she loves eggs pureed; she prefers her oatmeal cooked and then pureed, not the dry oats pureed and then cooked--which was the way presented in our cookbook. I share these examples because I want to make the point: experiment, get creative, and don't just rely on recommendations you find. Food before one is just fun and you can have some fun too by getting creative to see different ways you can introduce foods. Genevieve is getting what she needs from breastmilk (though of course now she needs additional vitamins and iron once she hit the six-month mark) but I don't need to stress Genevieve will starve if more is scrapped into the dogs' bowls after a feed than into her belly. 

I am very mindful about my emotions related to food. So, I do not force G to eat as much as I think she needs. I instead trust her cues to turn her head away or open wide for another serving. I want her to learn when her body says she has taken in enough.  I also do not want her to see me stressed at a mess (I instead want her to feed herself based on her current ability to aim and swallow). As parents we set the tone of an experience. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of choking. Regardless of being CPR certified or countless times rewatching a demonstration video there is some anxiety. We are going the puree route because of this. While we have introduced shredded cheese, chunky oatmeal, brown rice, scrambled eggs, and salmon we have yet to introduce real baby-led weaning style foods. This is of course a personal preference (and there are pros and cons to each approach and camps who swear by one method or the other). Go with what makes you the most comfortable. Genevieve has a bigger tongue, and her thrust reflex only recently really went away. This is an additional reason for us taking it slow and leading with purees.

I also introduce potential allergens on weekends: when Andrew is home. That way I have someone else to rely on in case we needed to go to urgent care due to a reaction. We have baby Benadryl on hand as well for milder reactions. My advice is simply to be aware of the elements of feeding that make you nervous, stressed, or tense. By being aware of them, you can give yourself grace and also work to improve your reactions--and replace them with responses. For example: I play Jack Johnson's Curious George Movie soundtrack during feeds because it makes me feel upbeat and relaxed. Genevieve smiles every time the bongo drums start with "Upside down."

Gagging is also incredibly common (though stressful) experience with solid feedings. I have taught myself to smile and laugh through this (though I am sure there is a slight discernible fear in my large, round eyes). Andrew laughs at me every time I do this because he knows the internal stress I am feeling. I know babies are empathetic. I do not wish for G to think that when she is gagging (normal and natural) that it is something to fear--therefore I need to model it is okay and will pass--I promise this is easier said than done but an important practice regardless. 

Andrew and I are no stranger to meal prep, so we are not preoccupied with the extra prep work that goes in to making Genevieve's purees ourselves or the fact that she isn't eating what we are. In fact, just about everything we eat is pretty heavily seasoned and salted. Sodium needs to be low for the first year of life because it can cause pretty significant problems on baby's developing organs. Therefore, if we have chicken, we portion off a piece for her that remains unseasoned and cook it separately. Making our own purees is surprisingly fast and easy and definitely cost effective. But if the idea of adding this to your plate is too much, opt for pre-prepped baby food instead. 

Expect your little one to go through phases with food (and try not to stress when they are wasting food during a hunger strike). When we first introduced food to Genevieve, she would open her mouth for every bite. Most of the food popped back out and she was more interested in her spoon than the food. Then Genevieve entered a phase where she would shake her head and refuse anything if you tried to feed her. However, if I loaded the spoon with something and set it down, she might scoop it up and "feed" herself (scraping most food off and gnawing on her spoon). Of course, there were full days or meals where Genevieve wouldn't want to eat anything at all--but made a mess anyway. (Food is fun I would chant in my mind, reminding myself this was a meaningful way to spend time whether the food was going into her belly or not). 

About two weeks before Genevieve turned eight months, she entered a new phase and really began eating more food more efficiently: hallelujah. This was a gradual progression where she ate the most at her first feeding. Her third feeding improved next.  Her second feeding of the day improved last. We share the responsibility of feeding: sometimes I am the bearer of the spoon and other times I let her do it. Usually, I start the feed holding the spoon but as she fills up and loses interest, I hand it over. There are still meals (and days) where G eats less, and I don't stress about it. 

Mapping Out the Introduction 
I will share what the progression of food introduction looked like for us from a high level. Honestly, I do not keep a detailed log about what we did. In fact, I started a mini notebook with the intention of keeping a catalog and quickly abandoned it because it felt like too much (and just not helpful). I do not use a specific app to track baby details either (though many exist if that type of thing helps you). Instead, I use a shared note with Andrew on my iPhone. I keep a log for Genevieve's eating, my pumping, and 'other' (sleeping, appointments, and any extra details I want documented). Sometimes I just add the time and 'solids' but if I introduce a new food I will explicitly write in that meal for reference. This way if she breaks out into a rash or has painful gas, I can look back to see what may be responsible. 

Before solids were introduced, I spent about a week letting G sit in her highchair. I would give her a wooden spoon and plastic cup to explore. Then I would allow her to interact with her own plates, cups, and utensils. I wanted her to get comfortable wearing a bib and just being in her highchair. When I got the green light from her pediatrician to introduce foods, we began gradually. 

I started by incorporating one solid meal into our day. I chose to start in the evening when Andrew was home--again, I just felt more comfortable having him there. We introduced one food every three days. With the hopes of diminishing pickiness and a sweet tooth, we chose to lead with foods that were less sweet. We introduced oatmeal mixed with breastmilk first. This seemed like a good first mix because she already was familiar with the taste of breastmilk. Then over the next few days we introduced sweet potato, avocado, zucchini, and banana. After we got into a groove with feeding in the evening, I added another meal in during the day without a locked-in time. Sometimes it was in the morning and other times it was in the afternoon depending on our schedule that day. When I sought to add in a third feeding, I then locked in a morning, afternoon, and evening meal of solids. 

Now that we have a variety of food exposures under our belt, I introduce foods with more fluidity. For example, when we first started, I introduced one new food every three days. This allowed me to determine whether or not we had an allergic reactions, gas, or stool issue, and could more easily pinpoint the culprit. It also allowed several introductions for G to get used to the flavor. When we introduce an allergen, we do not add any other new food for three days. Though if we aren't attempting a new allergen that week, we will simply introduce new foods a day or so apart. I document what the new food was, but that's all. When I make my grocery list (another shared note between Andrew in myself) I use the baby head emoji to notate this is a new item I want baby to try. This helps me consider items she likes, hasn't yet tried, or has tried but doesn't love. Having this plan in my mind is very helpful when it comes to prepping her meals for the week. I will save the specifics of that process for another post. 

What works best for me is not adhering to a specific time schedule with Genevieve. I focus on the pattern of wakefulness for the day. I do not feed her solids at 10 am, 2 pm, and 6 pm every day. Rather I feed her one hour after her bottle during a wakeful period. Our "schedule" looks something like this: 

• Wake for the day 
• Drink bottle of breastmilk 
• Morning walk/ play
• Eat solid meal #1 (usually oatmeal, fruit, peanut butter) 
• Play/ vacuum while in carrier 
• Nap # 1 
• Wake- drink bottle 
• Sitting up activities/ reading/ play 
• Solids #2 (usually veggie puree mixture, protein, avocado/ butternut squash, fruit) 
• Errands/ play 
• Nap # 2
• Wake- drink bottle 
• Outside time/Play 
• Family Walk 
• Solids # 3/family dinner (usually rice or quinoa, veggies, sweet potato or squash, protein) 
• Bath 
• Snuggle/ lap time/ calm play 
• Bottle--Bed 

After two months of solids, we are in a solid (haha) groove. While there is a huge benefit to winging it with solids, I would definitely recommend intention for a few things. The first is consulting your pediatrician on when your little one might be ready. Also research the items babies should not have, for example honey is very dangerous (cooked or not--something I wouldn't think about since it is a 'healthy' food) until after twelve months of age. You'll want to introduce allergens like nuts, soy, and fish earlier rather than later based on current research. This transition definitely calls for a balance of winging it and intentionality and *sometimes* the reminder to relax. 

While it is very common for parents to feel as though their child will always be 'their baby' I am curious as to what impact this outlook has on the ever-evolving dynamic between parent and child. When I consider the intentionality behind this belief, I feel as though parents are communicating deep love and support for their child. While I too believe I will forever love and support Genevieve, I try to hold her as someone I will love for all my life in a deep way. 'Someone' here is significant because it recognizes that G will forever be changing and her needs from me and support that benefits her are also, ever evolving. I mean shoot, how she needed me at one week old, three months old, and even now at seven feels drastically different. I can only imagine how different our relationship will be at five years, twelve years, and twenty years from now. 

This being said, I have held the intention since bringing Genevieve home that I wanted to create a secure attachment, throughout our lifetime together. So I do not jump as soon as Genevieve expresses the mildest frustration or cry, nor do I ignore her as she has a full-on meltdown. Instead I use my gut instinct and practice pausing to determine what type of intervention on my end is necessary for each unique circumstance. 

Types of Attachment
I mentioned that I want Genevieve to be securely attached to Andrew and I. By this I mean I want her to be able to lean in to us and lean away from us too. Obviously fostering this type of attachment looks different for each child: what works for us with G likely would not be the 'perfect' approach for our next baby (and therefore you should not take it to be a list of recommendations to apply to your own kiddo). In my opinion, a huge part of creating a securely attached relationship comes from reading and responding to the unique needs of your individual child (or children). 

When Genevieve is going through a leap, not feeling well, or having a tough time: I am there for her. If she is fussy and indicating she doesn't feel like playing but rather would prefer snuggles and talk time instead, that is what we do. Moreover, if she needs me, I am there for her and I do not withhold time and attention to get her to cope on her own. 

However, I too will allow her to cry a bit in her crib, vocalize in frustration when she wants a toy but cannot reach it, and allow her to simply entertain herself during certain wakeful periods. I do these things because I want her to not need an 'other' to find comfort --in this case mama. I want Genevieve to be a child (and then an adult) who can solve her own problems, cope with difficult emotions and circumstances, and develop healthy relationships with family, friends, and significant others. If I want G to foster healthy relationships, that begins now and with her parents. 

So I have detailed the attachment I want Genevieve to have with us as her parents, so I will now detail the two attachment styles I want to avoid developing with G. The first is avoidant attachment. This type creates a sense of extreme self-reliance. This form of attachment is rooted in apathy and a feeling that no one can help so I must do it all on my own. I want Genevieve to know that leaning into others is a benefit, that being vulnerable with others fosters growth and closeness. Therefore I will not be ultra regimented that she needs to cry-it-out to get to sleep, nor will I tell her she needs to do everything for herself because no one will rescue her. The fact of the matter is: when times get tough we do have people we can lean into, we don't have to do it alone, and a life built protecting and doing for ourselves is isolating and unfulfilling. I believe parents who practice this orientation often do so to protect their child. The parent knows they will not always be around and the parent fears that the child will not be able to care for themselves when the parent is no longer there to swoop in and 'make it all better.' This attachment style may build qualities like resilience and strength, but I would argue at a significant cost. 

On the other side of the spectrum is anxious attachment. This attachment style is rooted in insecurity and fear. The anxious attachment style involves forced closeness and responding to even the slightest need to smooth the waters. If the baby shows the slightest sign of frustration when the parent puts them in the crib: the baby comes to bed with the parent. If the child is frustrated a toy is out of reach: the parent gives the child the toy. This parent's motivation is being there for their child. The parent feels any feelings of frustration, anger, or sadness from the child needs to be resolved immediately and the parent is the person to do it. This motivation on part of the parent is to be loving and supportive. But a parent's purpose is not to keep their child happy--none of us are happy 100% of the time. Allowing children to feel ALL emotions, good and bad, enables them to develop coping strategies for dealing with elation and deflation, a rollercoaster they will inevitably ride for the duration of their human experience. 'Helicopter' or 'Steamroller' parent come to mind as modifiers for this parental approach. 

By focusing on secure attachment, I hope Genevieve will feel competent, capable, and empowered from her experience self-soothing or entertaining herself. I also hope she is able to lean in and benefit from extra closeness and support when it is really necessary. This is walking a tightrope and there will never be a red light or green light system to tell me when I should step in and when I should let her do something on her own. What I can do as her mother is check in with my own emotions and attachment and respond (not react) to the situation. There are times where Andrew asks "should I get her?" when she sounds frustrated in her crib and I say "no, she's going to knock herself out" but I am wrong and do need to go in and intervene. There are other times I when I am absolutely correct, too. 

Building Blocks of Secure Attachment
So knowing the attachment styles, how do you develop a secure attachment? How do you fight the loving urge to resolve all your kiddo's negative experiences? How do you cope with the emotional distress of hearing your child experience negative emotions? This is where 'winging it' really comes in handy. Each situation is completely unique. Therefore I do not have a standard approach I always stick to. I allow for flexibility and pivoting always. But I do have some strategies and suggestions that I employ that I will share. 

First, I always consider where G is: is she currently experiencing a leap or teething? If so, this is when G needs extra rocking and singing to fall asleep. If I try to just zip her in her sleep sack and leave the room (like I can do normally) she will work herself up, cry, and become over tired (making it much harder to get her asleep when I finally re-enter the room). From trial and error, I learned this rule about Genevieve: in a leap: rock to sleep; good mood self-soothe. When I say that I let G self-soothe, people will say "oh, so you let her cry it out..." This is not exactly what I do. I would not let G scream at the top of her lungs for a sustained period of time. Though I would also not rush in if she was crying some or showing some signs of discomfort (girl is a grunter). I can't exactly describe it other than to say I listen to her and my gut (sometimes this requires ignoring my mama heart that wants to make it all better quickly) and choose whether to intervene or not. 

Instead what I do is I try to set Genevieve down. I hold her as we turn off the light, draw the curtains (she is not sound sensitive but super light sensitive), and turn on her hatch sound machine (she loves the horrid television white noise sound). We have just begun the habit of reading a couple short board books just before going into the crib. Next I put her in her sleep sack while in the crib and sing the Barney "I love you" song. This song is short, and then I "kiss" her head and "hug" her by squeezing her belly. Sometimes she goes right to sleep and other times she talks or cries for a bit. When I was trying to let her learn self-soothing, I had to learn to cope with my mama bear desires and emotions (mama can make it better). While I could make it better quickly by holding her, G needs to learn she can make it better all on her own too. So I would tell myself  "Okay, I will go and turn over laundry and wash the dishes. If she is still crying or it gets louder by the time I am finished, I will rock her." 8/10 she'd be asleep before I could intervene. I can't tell you the number of times she would be crying a bit all the way until the completion of the task and by the time I walked into the nursery to hold her... she was fast asleep. So not only was this an opportunity for G to learn to lean in to her own self-soothing abilities, it was a chance for me to lean out too and let her. 

During play I also allow Genevieve to feel frustrated. I will put toys out of her immediate reach, or place her on her tummy and give her space to 'solve her own problem and roll over' if she doesn't like it. I don't want her to think after immediately being frustrated someone will swoop in and give her what she wants. Though I also do not ignore her and let her wing out or give up and feel stuck where she is. I give her some time, trust my gut, and swoop in after a period of time struggling. I do not set a timer or care how long she struggles before I step in, I just trust my gut because I am acting not to solve her problems, but because it genuinely felt like the right duration of time. I similarly don't ignore her because it is convenient for me; I will stop a task in order to aid her if my gut tells me that is what is needed in that situation. 

I also deliberately leave her to play without being close by. I have current books I am reading in each room and will grab one and lay across the room from her. I periodically look, talk, and smile at her as she plays. I may also do dishes or other chores while she's on the living room play mat where she can see me but I am further away. I want her to know that I am close by but do not need to be interacting in close proximity. This is something I have to remind Andrew of to practice too. I am with G all day, so its easier emotionally for me to give her space at certain times. He is home and interacting with her for smaller chunks of each day and therefore wants to be very close and interactive. I will remind him to 'give her a little space' every so often so she can learn that when papa's around he doesn't need to be super close, he can be close by and its still all good. So for parents who do work away from home, it may be emotionally a bit harder on you to give them that bit of space during play and interaction but still beneficially for fostering a secure bond while you are home.

For us with our big dogs, giving G space is quite tricky because our dogs are very large, 130 lbs a piece in fact. So I have a playmate with elevated sides to create a 'wall' that the dogs are not allowed to step into placed in the living room. I am very cautious to only be far away from G when the pups are relaxing in the yard or in a very deep nap session in the house. They are generally pretty good, but if the doorbell rings or they are playing with each other, their feet become dangerous. With G becoming more mobile, we have also installed a baby gate in the entry way that blocks G's room, the guest bathroom, and guest bedroom. While I leave this gate ajar most of the time, I am able to close it so G can roll safely all around her room. G's room faces the front of the house and the dogs will rush in and bark (only at dogs passing by). For legitimate safety reasons I had to get a gate to ensure G is safe from being trampled so she has freedom to explore all areas of her room confidently.

 I have to personally fight the helicopter urge to keep her safe from the dogs by stretching my own comfort level while also taking necessary and legitimate safety interventions. I let Genevieve roll around the room when Burlioz is in there if I can safely block her from rolling near the front window so Burlioz and G can learn to be out and move around each other too--but again I do this with caution. She is very likely going to get knocked about a bit by her pups as she becomes more mobile, but she is still quite young and we are being mindful of their interactions as the dogs and G learn what it means to move about together. *But I would be lying if I didn't say it makes me nervous and that I have a 'helmet' in my amazon favorites list for when she's really mobile. 

I also want Genevieve to know that I am someone who is there for her when she needs me. That means I am very mindful of my facial expressions, energy and words I use when she is fussing, frustrated, or up in the middle of the night. First I ALWAYS enter her room and smile and say "I am so glad you're awake!" I do this in the middle of the night, when she wakes too early, or sleeps through the night. I want her to know she is not a burden or that she only deserves my positive emotions when she is 'acting right.' So while I may be happier to see her bright eyes and bushy tail ready for a bottle at 7 am, she still sees the same happy face at 2 am. 

I also do not try to dismiss her discomfort or fussiness. This means when she cries because she is teething or for reasons unknown, I do not just focus on getting her to stop. I know that she is a baby right now and may not understand the words I am choosing to use, but by using them now I am building a habit for when she can more easily discern the meaning of my words. So when she is crying and I am holding her I often say "I know, growing is hard work" and "I am here for you." I am not asking her to "be quiet" or telling her "everything is fine" because to her little body, everything is not fine and suppressing feelings for the sake of another's comfort is NOT something I want Genevieve to do. I want her to know I am there and will be there for her for the duration of her discomfort, however she needs. These words also help me empathize with how she is feeling and to lessen my feelings of stress and frustration felt by a fussy baby or sleep deprivation. 

Related to this I try not to say too much. Meaning I let her fuss and cry and I will physically hold her close, pat her back, and say very little. I may sing a soothing lullaby or repeat the loud "shhhh" sound that mimics the mother's blood flow that the baby heard in the womb. I too rely on what I call  'yoga breathing.' This is where I take a slow deliberate and deep inhale and a long smooth exhale. Usually by my fourth breath Genevieve is noticeably more relaxed (or has stopped crying completely). I would practice this breathing strategy while pregnant and employed it very early on and I am amazed how well it works to soothe G (and me as well). 

Genevieve has expressed a desire to be independent since we brought her home. She often wants to be in proximity to you but face outward. She wants to feed herself and she wants to roll and play without anyone stepping in. She too wants us to pat her back and hold her like a tree frog when she is having a hard time. She will roll from across the room to nestle into the crook of my arm. She breaks from playing to find my eyes and smile so big--she is already showing us how confident she is to be on her own while also still reminding us that growing is hard and sometimes she needs you to hold her a little tighter or help her a little more. As parents we are dedicated to giving G an environment she will thrive in and that means balancing comfort and challenge, because our little girl is little now, but won't be forever. 

I am not a stuff person. 'Gifts' do not medal on my love language list. If you come to my house you will notice we don't have--nor need more space for--stuff. I will D or D: dump or donate anything we do not regularly or seasonally use. We rotate G's toys and she doesn't have an abundance of them. This is a purposeful decision because we want her to grow a deeper understanding of the items she does have and have repeated experiences learning with and experimenting on her toys. Plus, so many items in our house can become a toy (like a bowl and wooden spoon). Similarly, we are not big fans of feedback toys. Namely because these toys, while entertaining, are the one 'doing' and it allows for more passive play. I do have a walker/bouncer that was gifted to us and a ball that rolls on its own and talks to promote crawling. So it isn't that I am against using them, but I also don't seek them out. I occasionally utilize these toys, but I prefer to stick to wooden, silicon, and organic fabric material toys that allow Genevieve the freedom to take the lead in play. 

Whether you are a minimalist and want only a few presents under the tree or love the overflowing sea of presents, I can guarantee your child will feel the magic of the morning you create. In this post I want to detail some of the intentional choices I will be making this year in order to begin making Christmas morning magical for Genevieve. 

'The presents were wrapped with ribbon and bow'
Growing up I always had a ton of presents underneath the Christmas tree. I definitely enjoyed opening all the presents I received and actually believed in Santa until sixth grade because I didn't think my parents could spend that much on us each year. Though I can still recall one Christmas where all I wanted was an Ibanez guitar. I had been taking lessons with my grandpa's antique guitar--which was so cool--but I really wanted my own. My brothers will still detail how I 'ruined Christmas that year (don't worry, we all took turns earning that title) throwing a tantrum about not getting the one thing I really wanted. Another year I remember the Nook came out just after Christmas. I was so upset because I would rather have had that than any of the gifts I received on Christmas. My parents, being very supportive of my love of reading, bought it for me anyway. 

I detail both of the above examples to say: it wasn't the abundance of gifts that I remember (if I remember the gifts at all) it was one single item. I do not play guitar now (though we have two that Andrew plays) and as an adult can totally understand my parents not wanting to buy a several hundred dollar present I may or may not use. And I also appreciate my parents spending an addition $200 on a reading device after the holidays. I can empathize with how hard it is to parent and present, especially now that the baton is passed to me.

Andrew and I have decided to try out a five present system. This intentional gift-giving lens allows us to give Genevieve multiple presents under the tree, while hitting different values of gift giving. Gifts may not be a top love language for me, but they could be for G; I do not hold them as valueless. Genevieve will receive one gift from each of the five categories: 

• Something to read 
• Something to wear 
• Something to experience 
• Something needed 
• Something wanted 

I find that having parameters around the type of gift Genevieve will recieve makes me more intentional as I hunt (shop) for that *right* gift without going overboard. We are not in competition with having the best, most expensive, or trending gift. I will share examples for what will be under Genevieve's first Christmas tree this year (she will be seven months old this Christmas). 

Something to Read 
Andrew and I love Paddington Bear. We have discussed naming a future Newfie Paddington Bear and spent Thanksgiving and the day after watching Paddington 1 and 2 (while our baby child was asleep). So I found a box set of Paddington Bear books that we can read to G. This allows her the space to fall in love with a character that we love too. Genevieve won't be watching the movies for a few more years, but we will definitely get to share the love of this character together through these cardboard pages until then. I specifically chose board books at this age because I want her to be able to interact with them now and in months to come. If I chose a normal paper book, this wouldn't be a gift she could explore independently or often right now. 

Something to Wear
Andrew and I are utilitarian, so when we need something: we get it. Therefore we simply buy clothes when we need them. Genevieve has size-appropriate clothes in organic materials and cute patterns and natural colors. I am also fortunate that my mom has great taste and sends G a clothing care package whenever we are about to enter a new size. I also order from my favorite boutique: Kate Quinn whenever we are moving up. I try to make sure Genevieve's clothing promotes movement and isn't restricting (though she dose adorn an occasional dress). I also do not like gaudy clothing and traditional 'baby girl' or cheesy sayings. When I get things like this I simply add them to my donation pile. When considering what wearable item I wanted Genevieve to have for this gift, I wanted it to be something seasonal and fun. I saw a friend posting winter mommy-baby matching hats that she makes as a side hustle. I saw this as a fun opportunity to support a friend and side-hustling mama, get something seasonally 'winter' appropriate, and cute. Instead of just using this as an opportunity to buy an order from Kate Quinn, I wanted the wearable gift to be special and I think these hats will service as such. 

Something to Experience 
Genevieve is at the age right now where she is very observant and likes watching and following various stimuli. Therefore, when it came to what experience we would want to gift her, it wasn't going to be Disneyland or a trip to an interactive children's museum. Instead we considered zoos in our area and decided to get family tickets to the zoo. Yes, it does not actually cost anything to take your baby to the zoo (or at least the baby's ticket is free). But by purchasing our tickets, it commits us to taking Genevieve to the Waco Zoo to see animals and appreciate a novel sensory experience. 

Something Needed
I considered her age and developmental stage. Since G is developing the Piagetian cognitive skill of object permanence, I wanted to get her a gift that enables her to practice and experiment with this skill. I knew this would be the perfect time to purchase the Montessori object permanence box. This box has a circle hole at the top to fit a wooden ball. The box is also made of wood and has another hole in the side for the ball (dropped from the top) can roll out of into a holding area. The box I chose for Genevieve is natural wood, but contains three balls in bright primary colors. This will allow Genevieve to run experiments in play like: can I fit more than one ball through the hole at once? (No) Does it matter what color ball goes in? (No) Will they all come out? (Yes) Can another toy go through the hole, what if it doesn't roll? A very simple toy can be used and experienced in a multitude of ways. 

To be honest, I got a little ahead of myself. Originally, I chose an object permanence box that actually had multiple shapes and matching slits at the top "hole" that could be changed to fit only that unique object's shape. However, upon receiving it I noticed the pieces were too small for Genevieve to explore independently. So I am going to put this toy away and gift it to her for her as a one-year birthday present instead since it will be perfect to build on the skills with the more basic box. I had hoped to simply use the ball and circle hole for a while and then introduce the other shapes and shape slits as she needed additional challenge, but the size of the shapes were simply smaller than I expected and it would not be safe to do so. 

Something Wanted
This is not the easiest gift to buy because I cannot ask Genevieve 'hey, want do you want this year?' So  while I cannot ask her what she'd like, I do have a plan. We will hit a few stores with G and I will see what catches her eye or that she gravitates towards. I will allow her natural interest to inspire the gift instead of browsing the internet or Etsy myself to choose what she wants. This way I am honoring the value of her choice while also realizing a baby doesn't have strong opinions about desired gifts just yet. 

'The stockings were hung with care'
I will also utilize Genevieve's stocking in addition to her five presents under the tree. When she wakes up on Christmas Eve, her stocking will be filled with presents to be used that day in the spirit of the holiday. Inside her Christmas Eve stocking will be:

•  A set of Christmas jammies (mom and dad will get them too)
• A new Christmas-themed book 
• A 'ticket' to a Christmas movie we will watch that day/night as a family 

Andrew and I value fostering Holiday memories in our own home with our nuclear family. These gifts on Christmas Eve enable us to do just that. I envision a day spent in jammies as Andrew preps our holiday feast, we bake and decorate cookies for Santa, and laugh and sing Christmas carols. We will read the Christmas books we have in our library and read our newest book just before going to bed for the night. This year that book will be The Night Before Christmas, a classic and must-have read (in my book at least). Then at some point in the day we would watch a Christmas movie on one of our streaming services. I operate from the place that kids like boundaries and need limited choices. So this won't be a ticket to "choose whatever you like." Instead Andrew and I will choose two age-appropriate movies we think Genevieve would enjoy watching. I will then create a construction-paper ticket allowing her to choose which of the two options she wants to watch this year. Though we will not partake in the movie this year, but will begin this next year (this year is mom and dad's choice: more than likely Jim Carrey's Grinch). 

On Christmas morning Genevieve's stocking will contain two gifts: 

• A new Christmas ornament 
• A treat to eat 

This year, I am making an ornament for Genevieve. This will be clear circle ornament that will contain her hospital bands, little hat, and some purple and green paper grass. What I love about the idea of gifting an ornament each year is that when she moves on to have her own Christmas tree, I can give her all of these ornaments as a gift for her first Christmas in her own home. This feels like a special way to celebrate her first adult Christmas and acknowledge that she now will establish her own traditions that may be apart from us. And hopefully they will hold as a tangible reminder of memories made in Christmases past. 

The holiday season is filled with many yummy things. So each year we will gift Genevieve a special seasonal treat--bought or made--we think she would enjoy based on her food preferences. This year we are only newly introducing solids, so I am going to purchase a 2-pack of silicon spoons that she can eat from since she has really shown an interest already in feeding herself (and teething on) the two spoons she has. 

'Gee, an avocado, thanks!' 
I think it is of utmost importance to be grateful for any and all gifts received from others. This is why we will instill the value of giving thanks to anyone for a gift received. That being said: the only thing we owe them is a 'thank you.' If a gift does not align with the type of toys, clothing, etc. we wish G to have, or when she is older if she doesn't like it, we will not be keeping it 'just because so-and-so got it for us.' Instead we will donate the item. If the person has hurt feelings that the gift was not kept, they are certainly entitled to those feelings. But I will not fill our house and cupboards with stuff collecting dust just to be polite.

I keep an amazon list called 'Gifts Ideas for Genevieve' that I share with those who ask for what she might want for the holiday. I express that I do not hold the expectation that they buy from said list, and can buy what they think she would enjoy. However this list can serve as an idea board for the types of toys, clothes, and things we would like for her to have in a variety of price points. I am not saying 'buy what we want, or I am tossing it.' Because truly I think people can sometimes buy things that I hadn't thought of and that we love. My mom does this all the time. Genevieve loves the various toys my mom has mailed her--ALL of her favorite teether came from my mom. That being said: my mom knows the type and texture of things we are interested in and the toys align with these qualities. 

We will not harp on these categories and intentional planning to Genevieve. Though we will of course lean in to her to ask what she does want for Christmas in that category. We hope by offering gifts in different categories, it gives her an appreciation of the various types of gifts that she can enjoy and can apply to giving to others. I too am open to modifying this system as we go. For instance, part of me really wants to include a 'thing to craft' category. Maybe I will or maybe this will fit into an existing category and doesn't need its own. Similarly, I get new ideas all the time or by communicating with others. For example, I saw a friend had their Elf on the Shelf appear and bring Christmas jammies for the first appearance of the season. Part of me likes this better than my original outline to give them on Christmas Eve so that G has more time to get use out of them. So I am thinking of adjusting to that once we begin the Elf on the Shelf tradition.

While the presents we are buying her are all pretty inexpensive, we will in the future rely on big holidays like Christmas to purchase more expensive gifts like toddler playground activity centers, tiny kitchens, and toy vehicles. However since she is a tiny baby without much attachment to Christmas morning, we are opting for items that fit these categories that don't break the bank. We will also put all extended family and friend gifts under the tree to be opened on Christmas morning. This way Genevieve has a fun time opening a variety of presents and can practice delayed gratification when a package arrives early (something I admittedly suck at). Having a plan for traditions and intention around gift giving isn't meant to be a burden, but rather to enrich the depth of and meaningfulness of the experience. I would love to hear what traditions you love or can't wait to begin. Please share them in the comments, and may the season of giving begin! 

 This will not be the average 'expected' Thanksgiving post about giving gratitude or feeling grateful. Instead, as we enter the holiday season, I want to talk about a topic many (if not all in my opinion) women struggle with in some capacity... food. 

I have wanted to post on this topic for quite sometime, though the frame and context had not seemed *just* right. With the winter holidays, centered around overflowing plates, decadent sweets, and 'New Years Resolutions to lose X pounds, I feel as though this topic may ring resonant with those of you reading. Whenever I share about something that can evoke a sympathetic response the enneagram eight in me wants to challenge the reader not to have sympathy for me. I am a firm believer in what we go through, good or bad, holds a lesson for us. We can utilize the learning to rise above and evolve (which is what I am currently doing). I hope it evokes self reflection on the ways in which your own relationship with food, exercise, and body image impacts you (whereever you find yourself in life) and can aid you in your own journey in some way. 

Where to even begin? I could write endlessly on this topic and go off on many tangents. I will attempt to keep it tight, and likely revisit this topic in future posts. 

High Level Context
"The universe wanted you to have a girl so you could work through your food stuff." This is what Andrew said to me one evening after learning we were having a daughter. I could do a deep dive on all the signs that I had issues with food and body acceptance throughout my life (lets just say when your name rhymes with 'belly' and 'jelly' teasing is almost certain). Or I could detail the people and experiences that built upon one another to lead to issues with food or body image. But I will spare you the details of all of that. Honestly, focusing ones energy on those details feels like retreating into victimhood (something I ain't about). So instead I will attempt to speak to a few key moments in recent years that helped me realize "oh, this is a problem" and "I am the one to take charge in order to change."  

After my first bodybuilding show in 2018 I remember having no real understanding of the cyclical process of the sport. By this I mean I had no idea the hormonal and emotional depression that would follow and the importance of a reverse diet. In fact, I had agreed to work with a coach for a 16 week prep. Once the show was over, I didn't even think about continuing to work with a coach or know why I would even need to.

After the show I did not have another goal lined up and felt so deprived, I went full crazy on food. I gained thirty pounds pretty rapidly and was anxious and depressed. I could not look in the mirror or even put lotion on my body (touching my own skin was almost physically painful from the emotional distress of 'touching' the extra weight). People often think body dysmorphia is when you look in the mirror and see a 300 lb version of you. But that ain't it (at least not for me). It is where being in your physical body is painful and you have a total disassociation with the body you feel versus the body you see. I spoke with a friend about this who experienced something similar after her first show. She said her husband taped every mirror in the house so she could only see her eyes to allow her to put on her makeup without having a meltdown. Body dysmorphia is rough and in my experience, would come in waves, not be present in this severity all the time (thank goodness). 

 I hated going to the gym and lifting and felt disconnected and unhappy. I would severely restrict my calories and then binge on snacks or literally anything in the house. I knew I needed to get myself under control (that's what the 2018 version of me wanted: control). At the time I knew I could not put a lid on the binging. But me being me, the one thing I could do is overwork and put in crazy effort to combat the binging. So I made a new goal: distance running. If I couldn't control my caloric intake (which would result in inevitable weight gain ) I could attempt to outrun a poor diet (word to the wise: you can't).

I often write about 'checking your motivation.' While I didn't take stock in this at the time, now I can see my motivation to run in races was not from a good place. It wasn't from a place of challenging myself, love, or passion. Instead I was operating from a fearful place and a place of lack (not being enough). I ran the Cowtown for my first race (a half marathon) and then was training for the Silo full Marathon. In training I was under such severe stress that I actually got the flu and two months later had shingles. All this to say, my body and mind were in a terrible place. 

People would see the goal I was training for and applaud my effort and ability. However now I see that the value is not in fact in achieving a goal. To me what I value much more is the intention. I planned to immediately go back into a show prep after my second race. I ran my second marathon (I completed a Dallas half since my 18 mile runs in training were wearing down my body). That same weekend I got shingles but I started my bodybuilding that next week anyway (I just didn't sprint because it felt like my eyeball was pulsing out of my head if my heart rate was high). All this to say: my motivation for these things were not good. For my second show prep my goal was very specific: the post show reverse diet. I truly did not give a shit about the stage, I knew I needed to reverse diet and figure out how to gradually gain weight back. 

I completed my second show in November of 2019. I reversed very well and immediately went into a prep for another show in April of 2020. To be honest, I was terrified to not be told what to do by a prep coach. I was proud that I hung on to my progress for so long. I would love to say I liked how I looked. To be honest, this was the best shape I had ever been in in my life. And while looking in the mirror didn't send me into a full panic and breakdown (as it did after my first show) I would still perseverate on the elements of myself I didn't like.

Let me tell you, if you think you'll get to a point in your progress that you don't pick apart your flaws, you will always find something. I literally started hating the wrinkles in my neck, the shape of my jaw, and structure of my lower stomach--weirdly specific things, that NO ONE else would notice, I know, it is absurd (that's my fucking point). I share this because I want to point to the value of perspective and motivation. If I am operating from a place of picking myself apart (whether I weigh 205 lbs or 105 lbs) I will continue to see and highlight the negative regardless of my progress. Similarly if I am eating well and working out to lose weight or like my appearance, I will only feel as though I am not there yet (and therefore it will always be unattainable). 

I was two weeks out from my April 2020 show when the lockdown hit and the world (and gyms) shut down. I was hanging on by a thread: I was having cheat meals but didn't have the celebration of a show followed by a structured celebration and reverse. I was willy nilly with my diet (when I am usually spot on with my prep plans).  I felt so deprived and the combined sugar spikes weren't helping. Then a week later I was rocked by Leo's terminal cancer diagnosis. I felt so much shame as I told my coach basically "I'm out." And I entered another wild binge cycle. 

When I was at my low I remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom rubbing Leo's neck and I remember telling myself to feel: feel the pain in this moment (which was debilitating). I told myself this wouldn't last but to remember it, to use it. I believe if I hadn't felt that pain and gone into that spiral the learning I gained wouldn't have been as strong and truly wouldn't have led me to the realization that I did in fact want a child. I realized a child would make me happy and that my barriers were fear of pain in child birth and the fear of ruining my body. Once I realized that was the motivation to not have kids and that it wasn't coming from a good source, I decided to be brave, not overthink it and surrender to both processes. Pregnancy was not a magical experience for me (I felt neutral to it) and birth wasn't a miracle (but not as bad as I thought it would be) and both were absolutely worth the outcome: Genevieve Ryan. 

The Ah-has 
I began journaling and reflecting during this time. I gave myself space to process what I was going through. I realized that this most recent binge was truly something I have done my whole life. I would binge then follow that up by intensity of working out too much to combat it and/or significant food restriction. I almost shamefully admit that I am grateful for that intensity because it kept me from getting disgustingly fat (sorry if that offends you but that's the way I would describe what my mind would say about it). I knew I wanted to not only break my binge cycle temporarily, but reconfigure my relationship consistently. 

Pregnancy gave me a nine-month space to work on not binging. My previous motivation not to binge was just to not hate how I looked. But while pregnant, I had the superior and positive motivation to fuel my body and baby appropriately. I didn't want to binge because I knew developmentally that could negatively impact Genevieve. When I was diagnosed with prenatal hypertension, it gave me an even better reason to clean up my diet even more. I got into a groove of eating and craving my "clean prep" foods. Not because I cared how I looked, but because they made my body feel good. They enabled my headspace to feel clear and calm. And because I had months of being pregnant, it allowed me to develop a habit over a period of time. 

I carried this routine postpartum though initially I would overeat on the weekends but not go into a full-on binge. Now at six months postpartum I am in a pretty consistent 7-day routine and may have an occasional off meal or a few extra treats but I am valuing how good I feel all the time over the temporary gratification and comfort food provided. During pregnancy and postpartum I have relied mostly on walking in my neighborhood and yoga with an occasional workout or run intermixed. I eat the same breakfast and lunch and rotate healthy home cooked dinners. I bake and eat cookies and treats and continue to drop weight postpartum without tracking macros  or focusing on a strict exercise regimen. Basically right now I am working on a sustainable maintenance with food. Then I can add back in my physical endeavors too. 

I haven't worked out at a gym since October 2020 when I canceled my membership while pregnant after Andrew got Covid there. I didn't gain weight in my pregnancy until mid-late second trimester. I would never look at the scale at the doctor, but my OB commented on the fact I hadn't gained any weight (but baby was growing well). I lost all my pregnancy weight when I was 4 weeks postpartum. That was the first time I allowed myself to weigh and I remember being shocked since I ate a big deli sandwich for lunch everyday, snacked on cookies and granola and minimally exercised (I say this, but I still moved my body more than the average person but didn't have a regimented routine per my over-doing-it self). I was equally shocked when I'd look in the mirror and did not hate how I looked but rather could acknowledge this version of my body was just different. I can't tell you how actually big that was for me. I gave myself grace and found something to like and knew eating and fueling my body for the day meant I would have energy for Genevieve and be in a good headspace. 

Amazingly I found that by not fixating on my body or what I looked like and surrendering to pregnancy and postpartum, I was unattached to my body's appearance. And by being unattached and surrendering I naturally continued to like how I looked and felt. I do not think the goal is to not care about your image at all, in fact I do believe in certain regards the way you look does reflect your overall health (to an extent). And I believe there is value feeling comfortable in your own skin and clothes. Similarly I do not believe activities like distance racing or bodybuilding are inherently bad, and I plan to do both again. Only this time MY motivation will be different. Instead of competing in a contest because I am trying to outrun a poor diet or try to get to a body that I am not ashamed of, I will hold a different view: 

Now I will see the contest (and work that goes into it ) as a celebration of what the body can do. The process and training are rooted in the values of discipline, hard work, health, follow through, and overcoming a challenge. These are all values I wish to model to Genevieve. I will not do the "before and afters" because truly we only have "this version" of our body. In fact looking at my body as "this" version helped me cope with my pregnant body and feeling comfortable in it. Also from competing, I knew many mamas who had killer physiques and trained hard and didn't have "ruined" bodies from the process.The community is also a huge reason I love competing. The people I have met in these worlds are incredibly wonderful and inspirational. Continuing to build relationships with like-valued individuals is another benefit that these hobbies add to my life. I believe there is value of checking in and taking stock on why we choose to do what we do. 

My intention now isn't to go to an extreme. Of course, when I am at the later stage of a race prep or a cut for a show prep balance will temporarily be thrown off. But I am working on developing a long-term consistent diet and exercise regimen that adds to my life and fuels me with good energy and endorphins. Then I can lean in to the tougher seasons of certain stages of prep, celebrate, and move back into a balanced place. 

Awareness is so important. I say this because I remember saying "oh no I don't have an eating disorder, I can just eat a lot..." But after having awareness that emotional distress would lead to bags of chips (or two) and full peanut butter containers eaten (among other things), I forced myself to face the music. When I realized the ridiculous amount of hours I spent at the gym were because I was trying to work against myself: I lost the desire to want to be there at all. I do love lifting, I do love sprinting on the stair master, I do love a hard ass group fitness class. But I needed to step away from those things fully and breath and pull out completely. Because I am intense it is easy for me to go balls-to-the-walls crazy on something. But I am working on not being a flip switch, and instead trying to be a dimmer switch. There is power in my intensity but I am trying to illuminate brightly (all the time) and not short my fuse.

That being said: its why I do not count macros right now, it is why I don't have ironed out workouts and a prep plan. I know I can lean in to a plan too much and then I am not consciously choosing. To overcome this it needs to be a conscious choice: not something I am doing because a coach told me so. This does me I do not care at all or am willy nilly. I am working on intuitively eating because my body has to relearn what 'hungry' actually means. My brain always tells me I am hungry and I am never 'full' until I am busting at the seams (I wish this was hyperbole but it is not). I am relearning (or maybe newly learning) how to listen to my body and what it needs and fuel it appropriately. Preps have taught me how to balance a meal, rely on healthful whole foods, and know what it feels like to be in caloric deficit or surplus. I do not food restrict, judge myself for eating "bad foods" or withhold calories because I ate too much the night before. I jump back into my planned routine and let it go. 

For Genevieve 
Sure it is easy to say, "oh Kelly, you should do this for yourself..." Right. Got it. And honestly, I am. Except realizing that my interactions with my body, food, and exercise will impact Genevieve's self perception motivates me to conquer my own demons in a completely different way in addition to 'doing it for me.' And I am doing work on this NOW when she is a baby so I can have practice developing a healthier habit with food and image by the time she is *watching* me.  It feels pure and empowering, to be better for her. Being a mother has made me realize that the greatest value in life doesn't come from (or for) the self but in service to other. So for Genevieve, and by connection myself, I will continue to work to better my interactions with food and body image. 

I have already been reflecting on, brainstorming, and researching strategies to instill a positive body and food association for Genevieve. I am not naive, nor am I saying my actions will allow her to be free of negative feelings, but what I am saying is I am going to be intentional and try. This means that she won't see me pick apart myself, tout a fad diet, talk about weight loss or gain, point out a flaw in a mirror or picture. She will see me compliment myself, eat balanced meals and also treats in moderation. She will see me go through phases of being more strict during a prep, celebrate, and return to a normal "maintainable" pattern. We will give her a plate of food and say "here you go" and not comment on how much she eats, force her to eat, or call foods "good" and "bad." Just as kids do not need to "workout" (play IS working out...) we do not need to make her a nutrition nazi. I am not going to be a parent to police her to only eat "good" foods. Instead I want her not to see certain foods as (delicious) evils and others as (boring) angels. Lucky for her papa is a fantastic cook and nutrition doesn't have to come with a hit to the taste buds. I want her to simply know balanced and nutritional foods fuel your mind and body (and can taste good) and sweets treats and savory salty and cheesy things feed your mind and soul (but also need boundaries and moderation). 

My hope is that by creating an environment of positive self talk, Genevieve will develop an inner dialogue that does exactly that. Which means I need to model these skills to her and help her practice doing them herself. I hope that one day in her teens she might say, "ohhh, a balanced meal involves a decent lean protein, complex carb, and vegetable..." Not because I tell her this over and over in childhood. This will be her regular interaction with food at mealtimes. So I will  lead with the action so then she can learn the reasoning behind it later. I hope she'll value that a balanced meal leaves her feeling energized and satisfied and then be able to better parallel that to the stomachache that follows fast-food or a more indulgent meal (things I will allow her to have and do).

By mindfully parenting around this topic I hope to empower G to make good choices because she wants to, not out of shame or guilt. I am a firm believer that learning is experiential. She will not get her greatest ah-has from me telling her what to do or that eating too much halloween candy will make her 'sorry later.' Instead I will let her experience a bellyache from candy and talk with her about the feelings (without judgement and with neutrality). I am well aware of the pressures of people, media, and social media around weight and image. I cannot protect her forever from those voices. But I can bolster her inner dialogue. I will let go of what I cannot control and focus on what I can and provide more support if and when I need to. 

Current Pursuits 
Now I want to share a few interventions I am currently doing that aid me in my pursuit of reshaping my relationship with body image and food. I am ever building upon this list, nor am I perfect at doing these things. I am human, and doing my best and have and will continue to falter and learn more. That's life, that is being human. 

• Balanced meals: A meal for me constitutes a lean protein + complex carb + fat source + fruit or vegetable 
  • I usually have a fruit with my breakfast and lunch and a vegetable with lunch and dinner 
  • examples of lean protein: chicken, turkey, egg whites, fage greek yogurt, halibut (occasionally proteins with more fat: steak, salmon) 
  • examples of complex carb: granola (mixed carb + fat), oatmeal, white rice, sweet potato, russet potato, red potato 
  • examples of fat: egg yolk, nut butter, granola (carb + fat), EVOO from cooking, salad dressing 
• I make sure the snacks I have are satiable and nutritious but I do allow myself a treat each day too (I have gotten into baking and like to make and keep peanut butter chocolate chip cookies at the house) 
• Moving the body doesn't just physically improve your health but mentally and emotionally does too. It doesn't need to be intense (yoga practice or walking will do it) but do it regularly  
• Make it sustainable: Avoid going too extreme on your food or activity goals, you will burn out and the yo-yo cycle will continue 
• Do not see foods as good and bad: the key is moderation. I have gained weight being keto and overeating "healthy fats" like nuts, oils, and avocado. The key is learning that caloric intake matters and everyone's caloric intake is different. If you want to lose weight: MUST be in caloric deficit, maintain weight" MUST be in a homeostasis point of intake-activity, and if you want to gain weight: MUST be in caloric surplus *unless your hormones or thyroid are thrown off this is an absolute* 
• I use a "letting go" practice that allows me to "stop" my negative thought (seeing it as an opinion and not my identity), say "I do not like that thought." Ask myself "what feeling is here?" (usually pride, shame, or guilt), feel that emotion and let that shit go. 
• I know my triggers: bad night's sleep, increased stress, holding negative emotions, bad allergy days, unpredictability. I remind myself "oh you'll want to use this as an excuse to comfort eat.." and I fight the urge to do it. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I fail, but most of the time I eat an extra treat or two and move on. To be honest, that middle road often feels like the biggest win... 

I could itemize more things I am doing but it feels resonant to end this list here. I want to conclude by saying if you are struggling with your relationship with food and self image and you need someone to talk to: I am here to listen, share more details of my journey, and support you in any way that is resonant for you. I do not have all the answers, nor think I have it all figured out. Our bodies are not who we are. What they look like isn't of utmost value. I do believe that our physicality is a window into our mental and emotional health. I do not believe this from judging others, but rather because of my own learning about how the two are linked. If I am insane peak shape or extra thick, I know I am usually not in an optimal headspace. What I am also learning is to not judge, shame or pick apart myself. Not to tell myself to suck it up and just try harder. I am instead having grace, taking it smooth and slow, and finding a sustainable normal.

Last night we had Whattaburger. Normally eating a "bad food" would trigger me just to go fully "off my rocker" and snack and overeat. I would order the most indulgent burger and a larger fry. Instead I ordered a normal double cheeseburger and regular fry. I did eat some peanut butter crackers after dinner but I didn't need to go crazy (and we have pie, pretzels, M&Ms, and jars of peanut butter in the house...so I could have). I share this example just to say right now it takes more effort to maintain healthy boundaries with food (see how  I say boundaries now instead of control...) and I am here to say it gets easier with practice and when you have motivations that are empowering instead of judgmental. Soon it won't be something I have to hold in my mind's eye and I can flow with more easily. But just like learning to do anything: practice and time are imperative. Happy Thanksgiving! 

It is only fitting to dedicate my thirtieth post to the celebration of  Andrew for his thirtieth birthday. I had been brainstorming and was having a difficult time settling on what I wanted this post to be. Should I sing the many praises of Andrew? Ought I instead make it a gratitude post for the rock he is to our family? It wasn't until I was pouring my first cup of coffee at 5 am the morning of his birthday while the house slept that the topic came to me: a post about partnership.

Mostly, I do not write directly to Genevieve in my posts (though I am aware my last post used this voice as it was one of my 'quarterly letters to G'). Though for this post as well I will be writing to her about the hope I have for her to find solace and value in a meaningful partnership in her life. When I first thought of this the immediate image in my head was "I will write about the husband I want her to have." I checked myself quickly to remove the expectation that I have that she will have a husband (or even be interested in men). I too want to ensure that I am not projecting the partner that works best for ME as the partner that is best for HER (or any one really as all dynamics are different and can be equally successful). 

In a world where we are currently raised to focus on the individual, I want to highlight the value of partnership, leaning in, and trusting another to build a live together. While growing as an individual is important, I believe so too is it imperative to remember we can find a compliment to ourselves and we do not need to be everything to ourselves.

Don't Go It Alone 
You are of course an individual. Your individuality and self identification is important. That being said, there will be many versions of you as you progress through your life. You are never fully actualized. Therefore finding your partner should not occur when you are perfect or fully love yourself. All versions of you deserve love. Regardless of the phase or season you find yourself, a partner can enrich your experience regardless of where you find yourself in life. Remember to give this grace too to your partner. 

Don't wait for the 'right' time to find a partner. Instead be open to those around you. I never expected to find my husband in high school, and your papa is not the same man today as he was then. If I would have subscribed to the story 'I needed to date around' or 'was too young to have a serious relationship,' I would have missed out on holding onto the love of my life. Your partner may come into your life early, at a low point, or when you least expect it. Try to resist holding a story of why it can't work and just allow the relationship to organically be and become whatever it will be. I did not date your father and say 'this is going to be my husband' at 16 (he was awesome, but nobody is that awesome). I simply allowed us to go through that phase of life together and we continued to build upon each phase together (high school, college, and beyond). And I am so grateful for the shared construction of the life we are continually crafting. 

Be careful not to focus only on your needs, wants, and desires. By building a fortress fit for you, you will lead yourself to a life isolated. If your world is so perfectly build for one (you) there may not be room for another. Your partner is not an accessory to your life: they are a builder. Humans are social creatures, we need other. We strive for a tribe. Compromise is important here. There will be times where you need reconsider (or abandon) your plan or expectations. In fact, often having too specific of a vision of what you want (or think you deserve) can hurt you in appreciating the partner you have. This is not settling or giving in, it IS allowing the path to organically form. Be open, but rooted in your values. Lead with trust and remember that being heart broken and feeling is better than not loving at all. For you will recover and have a greater understanding of what you need in a partner.

Compliments: Not the Same, Not Opposites 
Your father and I have always said we fit together well because we are compliments. This means that he's good at what I am not and vice versa (or we each hate certain tasks less than the other). We are similar in the sense that we often enjoy similar things and have similar foundational values. Yet we are divergent. For instance, when completing your nursery, I would sketch plans for a side table, closet organizer, and bookshelf. Your papa would then build it. I do not need to be the planner and builder because we can each contribute our own part. One is not better than the other. I do not need to do everything, for I have a partner who can share the load with me. To feel empowered, capable, and strong I do not need to do it all. It is okay to lean in to your other. 

Above all this is what a partner does: share the load. This doesn't mean pressuring the other person to do something. Rather it means seeing what needs to be done and breaking and giving with who does what. I absolutely hate washing pump dishes. I can do it, but I really don't want to. When dad is home, he does them to lighten my load. He doesn't hate it like I do so it is 'easy' for him and much appreciated by me. When dad is dealing with something at work, he communicates the situation and seeks counsel from me on how to resolve the issue or better resolve the conflict. Papa loves cooking dinner and meal prepping, I bake and make the appetizers. By leaning in to each other and offering complementary skills and completing complementary tasks, we share the load and do not keep track of who does what or 'more.' So long as we are both content with our contribution, what ever the dynamic is is in fact adequate (regardless of the perception of others). 

We simply (and naturally) fill each others gaps and the needs of the household. I like to joke that I would never want to be married to myself, one of me is enough. I bring skills and value to our partnership but if I only had those skills and values I would not be as happy as I am now. Similarly if I found my opposite there would probably be more arguments and unsettling because usually opposites operate from different base values. Compliments allow sharing of responsibility. In a world where the woman is told to 'do everything for herself and never need a man' (insert partner) I hope you see the value in leaning in to another and DO NOT feel shame or guilt about NOT 'doing' it ALL yourself. 

Quality Qualities 
I cannot say what qualities you will hold to highest priority in a partner. However, I can share the few that top my list for you to consider for yours.

First is the value of having a growth mindset. Your dad is not the man at thirty that he was at sixteen, twenty one, or even twenty eight (nor am I the same woman). We like to say our relationship continues to deepen because we have grown together over the years. We have both grown and changed and sometimes you will feel the growing pains as your partner helps lift and challenge you. Do not fall prey to the "I can't change, this is who I am." We are all only ever becoming. Who we are and how we spend our time is a choice. Choosing not to change is also a choice. Remember, perfect doesn't exist. Therefore we hope that as we live our lives we continue to refine (and sometimes fully reinvent) ourselves and change (for the better). Our partner can help us elevate ourselves and we can be that same support for them, while giving grace to one another in the process. 

Seek someone who understands boundaries. This person ought to understand when a no is a no. This also means they need to help work with you to form the boundaries you share as a family (remember a family starts with two, you do not need a child to constitute a family). For instance, your papa and I have the boundary that we will not spend holidays in Saint Louis. We share the boundary of valuing  the dogs are with us and the formation of traditions in our own home over visiting our home town (which is not home to us). *Of course this is our own shared family boundary and not the right way for a family to spend holidays, no judgment if you do it completely opposite.* When we need to communicate with our extended family or friends we will often say "we need to get into alignment about _____." We share in the formation of the boundary and make sure both of us are in agreement about the resolution. We do not fall pressure to the desires of other, but hold firm on our family boundaries. 

Share your life with this person, do not merely live life adjacently. I find those with the busiest lives spend the least time with their partner, almost living two completely different lives. Burgeoning social calendars, travel for work, and myriad individual activities lead to a dynamic where two people share a home but are disconnected. You do not need to eliminate all the aforementioned activities, in fact a balanced and enriched experience for you and your spouse will enhance your life together. What I am advocating for is the pursuit of time together. 

Your dad and I have shared activities and interests that overlap. Whether this is working out together where I design and put us through a challenging leg day or your dad plans a fun day trip: we build time together. There is something special too about daily connection:  like our daily evening neighborhood walk, sitting down and watching a show (we both enjoy) before bed. Find someone whose presence brings you joy. Your dad is funny. We love constructing jokes and 'bits.' He is interesting and always sharing some factoid or bit of information he learned. He listens to me with undivided attention. And above all we can sit, not talking or can feel like we are together when we are doing our own thing in proximity to one another. 

Genevieve, I cannot promise you won't feel heartache. I cannot find the 'right' partner for you. I can only hope you seek someone who is best for you in that moment who continues to inspire and challenge you to grow and become. I hope you find someone who allows you to do this same for them. You must remember there is no version of you that you must become before you deserve the love of a partner. Allow the relationship to form and grow naturally and lean in to the person in that moment without trying to 'make' them what you wish them to be. Find alignment with values and boundaries.

After your papa finished his slice of birthday cake I made for him on him yesterday, he looked at me and told me, "In thirty years, you are my greatest accomplishment." And my darling I hope you find that: someone who chooses you and loves you deeply. For it isn't what we accomplish in this life but rather the meaningful connections we find, foster, and fondly hold in our memory. 

Dear Genevieve, 

We have enjoyed your company for half of a year now! Your papa and I have loved each day. You bring so much joy, laughter, and love into our lives. We cherish the memories of all those stages you are already beyond, and see you as the culmination of all those past versions that make up this (ever-changing) current (and adorable) version of you. We are so grateful to watch as your personality buds and your features and body bloom.

You are still very curious and relaxed. Though you definitely have intensity and sass when you are frustrated or are trying to communicate what you want.  You now love your rattles and do not seem to care when you aggressively shake them into your own head or belly. In fact, you seem pleased by your own power. You are very independent during play and love to roll about reaching and grasping your toys. Your pincer grasp has been impressive to us for months. You actually reach for and grab the little bell on your hanging mobile with so much care and precision. 

You have given up your love of ceiling fans and instead focus your gaze on your puppy dogs. You are sent into a full-belly fit of laughter when they bark and chase neighbor dogs along the fence. This is something that always drove me crazy, yet your giggles make me appreciate the previously unseen silliness of their fluffy butts running along the borders. You being here and being as you are truly has had an impact on your papa's and my outlook on many aspects of life. We are so amazed by the feelings you evoke and how you help us hold things differently.

You too have changed from clumsily taking your paci to being a full-fledged thumb sucker. We certainly prefer this, because you find it so easily and self soothe like a champ. You have slept through the night since we began allowing you to do so at four months old. You only occasionally need a bottle or some extra cuddles to fall back asleep. You love when we sing Barney's "I love You" song as we zip you into your sleep sack and so long as you are not going through a growth spurt, you do not want us to rock you to sleep but get cozy on your own in your crib. 

We enjoy our days and are venturing out more and more. You loved the Salado creek and were mesmerized by the clarity of the water. You flash a broad smile upon greeting all of our various neighbors and visitors to our home. You are relaxed on patios and while shopping. You love car rides with the puppies to get takeout, too. But you do not like being out and confined for too long, so we prefer to keep outings brief. 

Our daily routine is predictable and so much fun. We read books--rotating seasonal books has made the holidays feel extra joy-filled. I can't wait to build our library with each passing year. We also sing songs--you are loving "Silent Night" the most of our holiday jams and when papa pulls out the guitar and we sing "Rivers of Babylon." We do lots of playing too. During tummy time you stretch for toys and roll all around your room and play yard in the living room. Burlioz loves resting his head on the ledge of the play yard and watches you carefully as you go about your 'baby business.' Heidi still comes to sniff on you and kiss your feet. And your drool from teething rivals theirs! You can sit assisted on your chair, in my lap, highchair, and bumbo seat. It cracks me up the way you place on arm on the back of it like you're chilling hard (or lampin' as Leon on Curb would say). 

As we usher in a new phase of solid foods and more advanced movement and communication I am reminded that you will move through these milestones at the pace that makes sense for you. We are holding space and watching for ways to challenge you within your own unique developmental windows. We love watching you beam with joy as you do or experience something new or do something for the first time and are not preoccupied with racing through milestones. 

When I think back to one year ago, We had not yet learned you were a girl nor had we told family of your imminent arrival. So much change occurs in a short period of time. That is why all we can do is embrace whatever phase we find ourselves. The epithet that change is the only constant in life holds true. You will be a million different versions of yourself in this lifetime. I cannot wait to meet each one of them and love and support you in whatever capacity you want and need. I am here for you, and so grateful for how you are here for me too. 

I considered what type of poem I wanted to write for you in this letter and an acrostic poem seemed most appropriate. This is because you are really feeling like 'Genevieve' now and coming into your own self, and beyond the tiny-seed, newborn phase. 

G-E-N-E-V-I-E-V-E you are..
Generous with smiles 
Engaging and focused
Nearly always relaxed
Expressive and conversational 
Vibrant and as radiant as your eyes 
Impossibly adorable 
Endlessly loved 
Very snuggle-able
Ever becoming 

I love you so, and it is an honor to watch you grow.
Love,
Mom