When I think of my role as a parent, I believe one of the paramount responsibilities I have is to construct an environment for Genevieve to thrive. For this reason, I took deliberate care in how I chose items for and set up the space Genevieve will spend so much time growing in: her nursery. The basis for many of the choices I made when setting up the nursery are rooted in the Montessori approach. 

The Foundation  
Of our two available rooms for a nursery, I chose this room because it has two oversized windows with a view of the front of the house. I loved the natural light that floods in, and how Genevieve can look onto the planters and the neighborhood. I deliberately chose to keep the walls a nice, neutral light grey with white trim to make the room feel serene (and I didn't have to paint, yay!). The room also has a great symmetrical arc to its high ceilings. Since I wanted to highlight the natural light of the room, I made my accent wall the double windows and used velvet olive green curtains to frame them. I chose this rich green because it is a calming and natural color and the velvet material adds much needed texture to the space. 

When considering the furniture and materials in the room, I knew I wanted them to be simple and natural in color. The purpose of this is to create an environment that is not overstimulating; basically, the room should be a background that is beautiful and comfortable to be in, but easily tuned out. I wanted to use variations of whites and creams and natural wooden tones. I also made sure to incorporate baskets in these colors as well to add textural interest. The mirror, frames, and curtain rod are all gold to keep lightness, but  the metal adds a smooth sleek appearance. 

I did want to make sure I interjected some color and personality into the space too. Our theme is loosely "woodland animals." This theme allows me to rely on natural themes like realistic baby animal pictures above Genevieve's crib, and to add color using flowers and plants as inspiration. I use green, and shades of purple and mauve to add richness and depth of color. Overall the space feels bright and energizing, while also serene and earthy from the rich and deeper color tones and natural wood and wicker textures. 

The Four Zones 
In the book, Montessori from the Start, by Lillard and Jessen, the authors describe how most nurseries are not active places to be, but rather only places to sleep. They described how a nursery ought to be a place for an infant to spend meaningful time awake and so they outlined four zones a nursery ought to establish.

The four zones are feed, dress, play, and sleep. 

My feed zone is namely my reclining glider. This is an item I splurged on since I know I will spend a lot of time here during feedings. This glider is electronic and moves up and down incredibly quietly and smoothly. It has a high back so I am fully supported, almost reclines all the way flat, and has incredible lumbar support (I already sit in it when my back in sore). I placed this chair next to the window so I can look out and appreciate the light. I have the diaper genie deliberately to the side as a little side table (yay dual function) and a coaster in the basket on the neighboring dresser. I also have burp rags in the bottom basket of the dresser right next to me for quick-grabbable access (I will likely add a cream or breast shield to that basket as well). I also keep a cream and light purple patterned throw blanket on the chair to help protect against spit up or spills. This zone is simple, because not much is really required beyond me and baby. 

My dress zone is not perfectly one succinct area: it is both my dresser and then Genevieve's closet which are on adjacent walls. As she ages, the way I will simplify this separation is to use the bottom drawer (because its her height to access independently) of her dresser as her "daily wear choices" drawer. Meaning I will place two options for anything she'd want to wear (size and weather appropriate options) for her to choose from. The purpose of this is to not give too many options, but to instill autonomy and self direction. My dresser has three drawers and two baskets. In the top drawer I keep bows, socks, hats, and mittens. In the second drawer I keep only the outfits she will currently be able to wear (newborn-3 months). And in the third drawer I keep the different swaddles and swaddle sleeper options I have for her. In the top basket I have diaper supplies (diapers, wipes, and general rash cream). Behind this basket, I have a metal box containing first aid supplies and thermometers. In the bottom basket I have burp rags and additional muslin blankets. On top of the dresser, holds our changing pad and a basket that holds hand sanitizer, an organic cream, coaster, and other miscellaneous items. The diaper genie is just to the side of the dresser. Then of course I use the closet to hang up more clothes arranged in size order. I already have an empty bin for "too small clothes" so I can declutter as she grows. If you know me, you know I am the opposite of a pack rat. My philosophy is D or D: dump or donate if you do not use. Lastly, I have a hamper, that is between the window and next to the crib for dirty laundry. 

The play zone for the nursery is the wall between the closet and entry door into the nursery. I have three bookshelves mounted to the wall, and an activity gym below the book cases. I also have a fairly flat basket (easy for baby to reach into) near the window that will have only a handful of toy options that is next to the crib. This basket is important to the play zone, but it is easily moved to the middle of the room or the play zone wall when play is occurring and out of sight out of mind when we are not. I already have a "toy library" bin in the closet and a book library in the closet so I can deliberately rotate out toys and books. In order to stimulate focus and attention, I will only ever have a couple book options and a handful of toy options available to Genevieve. I have three shelves and plan to use them deliberately. The top shelf will hold a resource book, sight cards, and bigger read aloud book. The middle shelf will contain library books (where we will choose two at a time). Then finally the lowest shelf will be books that are always available to G from our little at-home library. The toys we will primarily utilize are not plastic or feedback toys, but rather wooden  toys that are very simple. This will aid in Genevieve's exploration and experimentation rather than merely offering fixed entertainment and novelty.

The final zone is Genevieve's sleep zone. This zone is very simple and basically consists of her crib. I currently have a small nightstand that we already had setup next to the crib for her Hatch (sound machine and night light) and her video monitor. However, this is one element of her room I may change (a taller book case or a hanging shelf for these items. For now it will work, and we can adjust if needed, it isn't an important detail and always nice to use something you already have! 

Meaningful Space 
Hopefully you aren't reading this and feeling daunted by the details. I didn't choose things with hyper vigilance to a philosophy but rather kept the ideas of simplicity, zones, and natural colors and textures in mind as I put the room together. For example,  I held in my mind the concept of the zones and while they informed how I set up my nursery, I wasn't locked in to them. For instance, next to the crib by the window I have 3 baskets and a pouf. That isn't a technical "zone" but it was important to Andrew to have a secondary sitting option in the room and the baskets each have a purpose: dirty clothes, blankets, and toys. The Montessori approach talks a great deal about the importance of beauty. By beauty the emphasis is really that the room, toys, etc. ought to be appealing to the child. Therefore, I created a nursery that is beautiful, but from that beauty what I truly hope is that it entices Genevieve to be creative, at ease, and develop independence in a space that is designed with her in mind. 

Today I am sharing a poem I wrote for Genevieve. In essence it contains bits of wisdom (or insert a less pretentious word here) that I hope to instill in her. I thought of merely writing a letter, but what I appreciate about a poem is the sense of freedom it affords the reader. Rather than simply telling her what I want her to know, a poem allows her to find resonance in the ambiguity and to interpret my words in her own way. I have found my impact in life is often not as I intend it to be, but it is always as it is meant to be. It is never so much about what we say, but rather how we say it and make the other person feel. I have written and deleted several versions of "what I hope Genevieve gets from this poem..." because I want to leave that up to her (when she one day reads this). And also allow you to interpret that for yourself. 

Genevieve, 

The world is beautiful, 
large and vast. 
Be curious of lessons 
future, present & past. 

The world is truly a
conditional yes. 
Embrace all of your failures
as an insightful mess. 

Be not as others 
expect you to be, 
you'll forever be becoming 
& evolving you see. 

With passion ignited a 
path will be clear; 
but never fear straying from a 
route my dear. 

Minding that balance 
can help you a lot,
strive for alignment 
and know when you're not. 

Acknowledge the shadows 
but live in the light. 
Sometimes that'll be easy,
sometimes it'll take might.

Go forward confidently,
authentically you. 
Remember no one ever truly
knows what to do. 

You're somehow a stranger,
yet someone I know. 
I am honored for the privilege 
of witnessing you grow. 

I am here to support you 
and be by your side;
But the journey is yours, 
​enjoy your own ride. 

We live in a world that inundates us with information. There are a gazillion books, audiobooks, blogs, and podcasts (and now even social media influencers) who present information on pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Moreover, these often biased sources can make us feel like we are terrible moms or moms-to-be for not doing it their prescribed way. How does one optimally maximize what they can get from available resources without feeling overwhelmed, judged, and too-full? As someone who loves information, I will share some of the ways I have tried to educate myself without overload thus far and will share a list of some of my favorites (keep in mind they are specific to the parenting philosophy I subscribe and may differ from your own). 

Keepin' It High Level
My first strategy to intake information mindfully is to keep my reading or listening high level. Since Genevieve is not yet here, everything is a hypothetical. Will she latch? Will she have colic? What does infant enrichment look like? Rather than taking detailed notes on the statistics, the "sure-fire plan to fix X, Y, or Z", etc my preference is to listen to audiobooks or podcasts while I am doing chores, driving, or on my daily walks. I find that this lets me hold the big picture of the topic being discussed and not get bogged down into the minutiae and statistics. I especially enjoy listening to them while I am walking outside because the fresh air and movement help me focus and feel calm. In short, I personally prefer audiobooks (going deep on one thing) to podcasts or reading the books. I dabble in podcasts and buy a physical copy of books I believe to be helpful for reference (What to Expect the First Year, for example) but my personal preference is definitely audiobooks. 

Even if I am listening to a book that has a very particular perspective, I try to comb out the bias and hyperbole and focus on resonance. By this I mean asking myself: Is this resonant for ME? Each mom or mom-to-be who will have a different answer based on their values and the dynamic they are trying to construct. Personally, I prefer perspectives that are rooted in the neurological development of the child that follow the child's individual development and lead. I am also very interested in simplicity, routines, and deliberate communication (talking and active listening). And as it specifically relates to pregnancy, I enjoy the books that tell you the nitty gritty realities and are not overly concerned with "the most natural way is the only right way." My favorite book for pregnancy is What to Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff. I actually listened to the audiobook prior to us trying for Genevieve. What I appreciate most about this book is it presents the information in a factual and judgement-free way while telling you the different perspectives that come into play as well. To me, pregnancy is one of the most natural processes and our bodies are designed for it. So while I try to move, eat pretty well, and avoid what could be harmful, I am not too worried about the details of development and I am leaning in to trusting the biological process. So I personally direct most of my learning to parenting strategies once Baby G is here. 

Going Back In 
Since I am reading and listening to books that deal with sleep training, breastfeeding, and other detailed child care and development topics, I keep a list of the books I have found most helpful. I do this because I am listening at a high and detached level right now, but if a specific need arises, I can go back in to a particularly helpful resource. Say Genevieve is dealing with a sleep regression, I know I can go back to Happy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth to comb through specific strategies he mentioned that could help us overcome that obstacle. Or I can't tell you how many times I have gone back into What to Expect When You're Expecting.

My orientation is not to worry unless there is something to worry about. Therefore I am not trying to solve problems Genevieve has not yet expressed. Instead I try to hold a high-level idea of a potential problem (i.e. what colic, mastitis, or a tongue tie might be) and then hold space and observe what we are actually experiencing. Of course this will also mean leaning into experts like her pediatrician and other resources I have not yet explored. But by first having focused on a topic from a high level, if I go back in deeper about a specific topic (say tongue tie or lip tie) I may use a more specific secondary source that would not have been on my radar before (say a podcast specifically on that topic). 

Short, Simple, & Sweet Notes
I do not have a detailed notebook filled with potential problems, symptoms, and citations; I do, however, keep a note on my phone with resonant bits of information I want to remember or that might be helpful later. Having this note on my phone means I can easily send Andrew something I write down that could be relevant to him, or I have quick access to the information since my phone is with me most of the time compared to a notebook. If I am on a walk I can quickly jot something down without burdening myself with a notebook and pen. I may note a particularly helpful chapter in a certain book, a strategy, or specific detail that is useful. For example, did you know all babies are the fussiest during the sixth week after their original due date (even if a baby is a premie)? I already put a note of this on my calendar. When we highlight and annotate and write down too much, we saturate ourselves. When we are saturated, we cannot think clearly or act effectively. Therefore, by having specific and simple notes of things most significant to you, you're setting yourself up to put that information to good use when you do need it. 


My greatest comfort is knowing that families have raised happy and healthy children without reading all the (right) parenting books and making perfect decisions. I do not expect to parent perfectly (nor do I think that is possible). I read parenting books not with the intention to "do it right" but as a means to learn about potential obstacles, strategies, and topics that might help better inform actions I take and decisions I make. I am also leaning in to the notion that I am always doing my best and operating from the best information I have at the time. I am going to make mistakes, over react, want a do-over, or wish I had learned something sooner. AND by modeling that I can mess up, learn more, and try again I am teaching Genevieve all of that is okay for her too. We can intentionally fill our cup with knowledge, and simultaneously wing it based on what is currently before us.

No judgement, just growth. 

When I was contemplating what should go above Genevieve's crib, I knew I wanted whatever it was to be aesthetically attractive and symbolically meaningful. I decided on a gallery wall of six realistic pictures of baby animals on a simple white background each with its own phrase in matching gold frames. The simplicity in color, the natural element of animals, combined with meaningful written values are foundational to the environment I wish to surround Genevieve. I will go into more detail about deliberate nursery choices in another post, but today want to focus on the values conveyed in these pictures.

Values are a Value 
In the Lazalier household, values are important. When Andrew and I overcome an argument, voice frustration, create boundaries, or make decisions we lean in to our values. Values are like the roots of a tree, they are an anchor. Integrity, flexibility, kindness, and authenticity are a few of the core values we use to root ourselves. Leaning in to our values also helps us empathize. For instance, though we are not Christians, we can accept the views of friends and family who are without a desire to judge what they believe or try to change them.  We can ask ourselves "what value are they practicing that I share?" I could then say "ah, they are authentically practicing their faith and what that means to them. I appreciate doing the same and its ok that it looks different from my way." Instead of focusing on the differences, using values as a framework allows us to better accept and understand those around us. The manifestations of  values for each individual and each family are different. Therefore, Andrew and I accept that while we can instill certain values in Genevieve, it is up to her to tweak and adapt them to make her own. 

"Be" 
The six pictures above Genevieve's Crib read: Be Brave, Be Silly, Be Wise, Be Happy, Be Curious, and Be Kind. Each of these characteristics are attributes we hope Genevieve values and practices. One value we do not hold is "be smart." I will unpack my position about smart in another post, but the fixed-mindset nature of the word plus the impact on limiting out-of-the-box thinking gives me pause to value it.

"Being Brave" means not shying away from failure and holding authenticity and integrity even when it is difficult. Someone who is brave challenges themselves. "Being Silly" relates to having a good time and enjoying the process. We only have the path in life, there is no destination. Being silly means not taking life or yourself too seriously. "Be Wise" points to the importance of reflection and learning from personal and peer successes and failures. Someone who is wise is contemplative and mindful. "Be Happy" reminds us that happiness is a mindset and we can celebrate the tiniest of joys even amidst difficult times. I'd be remiss not to express that mental health can play a role into this as well. Though it is still a mindset even to accept sitting in your own current struggle and knowing that phase will eventually pass. "Be Curious" asks us to ask questions, seek answers and connections, and avoid judgement. If we are curious we are not assuming or judging a person or situation, but simply constructing understanding. And finally, "Be Kind." Being kind means we have empathy for those who treat us well or poorly. Being kind is different than being nice. The example of this distinction is to be nice is to say "I am sorry" but to be kind is to BE sorry. 

As Genevieve grows, I want her to look at these six pictures and ask "what does that say?" and "what does that mean?" Then I want to ask her what those things mean to her. In moments where she exemplifies these values I want to be able to say "wow! You went down that slide by yourself, did you feel brave like Bear?" I want her environment to be meaningful, for her to learn who she is, and communicate that to the world. I do not hold a vision for who Genevieve is supposed to be or what she will do or accomplish. When Andrew and I talk about her future we say if she goes to college or say "whatever she decides to do." We do not assume who she will be, but we hope to instill values in her that help her learn about herself​ and that she can use as tools to help her create her own unique journey. 

"So what's your birth plan?"
This is is a question I get a lot. And usually after I overview my plan I am met with a blank look and silence. What is my plan you may be wondering? A hospital close to my home and an epidural. While many women feel inspired to experience the raw pain of natural labor, I do not. I know pushing a baby with a 10 cm head out of my 10 cm hole is bad@ss enough and the less I feel, the better. What I find unfortunate, is the lack of support (and straight up judgment) for women who have medicated labors or c-sections. 

As I approached my third trimester I knew I wanted to take some sort of lamaze class to help with early stages of labor, calming techniques, etc. What I did NOT know, is that I would be paying for a course to tell me how I need to switch medical providers if my doctor recommended anything but a natural birth. And on the list of "pros and cons of laboring on your back" read in all capital letters: "NONE." Luckily due to Covid, I am taking this course from the comfort of my own couch. This means I can yell things at the tv in rebuttal. Andrew says he wishes it was in person, because I would likely bring forth similar challenges to any instructor and it would be great entertainment. I am not opposed to women having natural births and doing it their way. I am not opposed to sharing risks of medications or medical equipment during labor, but those positions ought to be shared in a more neutral and unbiased way so women can make informed decisions AND not feel like total sh!t if they do need an emergency c-section or cannot handle the pain of labor.

Prior to purchasing this course (I read the overview and it already sounded aggressively anti-everything in my birth plan) I did some research. I wanted to know "should I even bother with lamaze?" In short, yes. There are benefits to knowing positions and strategies to minimize pain for early labor stages or just in case I cannot have an epidural for any reason. Second, I wanted to know "why is lamaze polarizing in their education program?" I find it interesting that prior to the eighties, Lamaze was more complimentary and impartial. It was after epidurals became more popular in the late eighties that they began to switch to the "all natural or bust" approach. Just like the formula vs. breast argument, it seems preference transitions with the times. I also spoke extensively on the topic with my brother, who is an anesthesiologist, so he gives epidurals for a living. My conclusion is this: trust that you know yourself and the care you need, do research and detach the bias, and above all make the safety of mom and baby priority number one. 80% of births do not go as planned, so winging it and leaning in to what your specific experience requires is incredibly important. 

Have you thought about what you need postpartum? 
A friend recommended the book You are a F*cking Awesome Mom by Leslie Anne Bruce and it is already one of my favorite books on the topic of birth and mamahood I've read to date. Bruce explains how most women prepare a birth plan, but far fewer women actually plan for what they will need in the fourth trimester to recover and adapt. She goes further to express how women now are less prepared than ever to have babies. She says how being more educated, older, having a stronger sense of self, and fuller life make it that much harder to make the transition into juggling the new title of "mom." 

Maybe it is because I didn't want kids for so long or because I've seen the juggle struggle of women close to me, but I am the opposite. I was like "basic birth plan, but let me tell you all about what I expect after this baby is here..." I low-key am not looking forward to giving birth. I am obviously ecstatic to meet Genevieve, but if I could fast forward--I would. I am grateful that I don't live in the age where birth is merely described as "the miracle of life" in isolation and instead now we talk about the crazy and traumatic changes that happen to a woman's body in the transformative process of giving birth. 

Particular about Postpartum 
I had thought much longer and deeper about what I will need in the first days and weeks of Genevieve's arrival. For instance: no visitors until Genevieve is the only one in the house wearing diapers. As my lower region heals and I cope with the initial breast feeding struggles the last thing I want to do is get dressed, have pictures taken, and talk to other people. No, I want to be a hermit in my home and prioritize my needs and learn Genevieve's. I also want to ease the dogs into a new normal as easily as possible. Giant dogs being excited about new visitors, while healing, and handling a new baby (plus Covid) is just too much too soon. Even when we start having visitors (likely after three weeks but I've made that contingent on how we are adjusting) I have set expectations on length of time for each visit. This is because we want to facilitate seeing our many out-of-area friends and family while also having normal days too. 

I am very lucky that Andrew has six weeks of paternity leave and is able to learn how to parent with me during that time. I know that for my initial weeks, I will be trying to take it easy and heal, feed the baby, and stay relaxed. Andrew will be handling the dogs, cleaning, cooking, and assisting as needed. I am VERY fortunate that my husband is incredibly helpful and useful. We have always made a good team juggling what's needed. We don't try to make things equal but rather each take the parts we need to and adjust accordingly. I know many people are shocked that I am not surrounding myself with company to help and support, but I actually am: my husband. 

I anticipate the emotional wave that comes with the hormonal dip from no longer having pregnancy hormones when the placenta is removed. I  expect to feel exhausted from sleep deprivation. I know just moving, breastfeeding, and self care will be challenging. And I know the adjustment to being a mom will be completely transformative. I am not dwelling on the hard stuff to be a negative Nancy. Instead I am holding space for these things because I know awareness of those things and of ourselves is key to thriving through a transition. In bodybuilding, I had no idea how hard the struggle is after you finish a show. You actually have post-show blues, hormonal swings, struggle with diet and your identity. I had a horrible post-show experience my first go-round. The second time around I knew what to expect, knew where I would go dark, and made a plan to combat those things. And guess what? I thrived. So I am unapologetically taking that position with my postpartum plan. 

I grew up as the only girl with three older brothers. From a young age, my mother always expressed I ought to stand up for myself and championed my strong will. Not only did she nurture these qualities in me, but she modeled them herself. When I think of how to characterize my mother growing up, I think about how strong she was for us (despite facing many challenges herself). How she held us to high standards while also being a support for us to lean on. And that no matter what, she loved each of us for who we authentically were. Today, I want to take some time to express gratitude for the ways my mother continues to mother me as an adult. Motherhood isn't just about raising a child, but rather is a relationship that (if you're lucky like me) adapts and adjusts with age and time. 

Unorthodox and Out-of-the-Box 
As a child, I was incredibly argumentative. Not in a combative sense (ok, maybe sometimes), but rather I've always found enjoyment from healthy discourse. This was not always met with support *a certain religious teacher comes to mind who refused to accept my questions in class when I was twelve.* If you couple my deliberate nature, strong convictions, and adherence to authenticity there is little surprise that I am anything but traditional. 

I am certain that it could not be easy to always accept my less-than-traditional approach to life's major events; but I am so grateful that my mother always did (and without guilt trips). When I expressed that Andrew and I would go to the court house in Texas to get married with only two of our closest friends and that we wouldn't have a wedding shower or true reception, she accepted this. Not only that, but she supported it. She gave me the diamond in her wedding ring so it could be the diamond in my own setting and helped create a laid-back barbecue in place of a reception. She was not attached to what that moment wouldn't mean for her, but rather allowed me to have the moment that meant most to me. 

Fast forward to now with the the imminent arrival of Genevieve and my mother is continuing to show her support and understanding for my way of doing things (of course, still untraditional). Even if Covid was not pervasively intruding into our lives, I would not have a baby shower. While I definitely understand women enjoying them, I am not one of those women. I am a person who values deeper conversations, quality time, and abhor superficial moments. Not to mention the games make me cringe (these are my personal characterizations and if yours vary that is a-okay).  Not once has my mother expressed negative opinions about this choice. In fact, each month she continues to surprise me with a thoughtful gift or money to help contribute to the nursery. These tiny gestures really do mean so much. Not because I need money for stuff, but because these deliberate actions make me feel seen as a daughter and valued for who I am and what I stand for. Plus, when I look in the nursery, I see my mother, Genevieve's grandmother,  there in the space, even though she is thirteen hours away.   

Staying Connected even with Distance 
One positive outcome from all this Covid madness is that my mother and I talk so much more regularly. Since I am abstaining from the gym to protect Genevieve and myself from Covid, I walk my neighborhood daily. Most days I call my mom and we simply talk and connect. While we are far apart, the conversations make me feel like we see each other frequently and I am more connected to what is going on with in Saint Louis. My mother is never trying to push advice or opinions on me about choices I plan to make for birth or motherhood. She has expressed that she is there if I have questions or want her opinion on something, and avoids unsolicited advice. 

Even when I expressed Andrew and I wished to hold off on visitors for Genevieve's initial weeks home, my mother simply said "I'll be there when you're ready and I will help however you need." This is incredibly meaningful because I know that she will be itching to meet her newest granddaughter, but rather than putting her own desires first she supports my decision to prioritize establishing our new household "normal." When she makes that visit, I know she will be soaking up all that quality time with her new granddaughter, but her focus isn't on simply her desire to see the baby, but helping Andrew and I as we need too. The quality I appreciate most in my mother is she is not about the photo moments, but rather about actually being present for her loved ones. 

Impacts for Genevieve
When I consider the ways of my own mother and the impact they've had on me, I am reminded that my own ways will impact Genevieve. Andrew and I both hold the belief that Genevieve is her own unique individual. As parents we hope to support her on her own becoming journey. I am certain there will be times that her wills and wishes are not aligned to my own opinions. In these moments I will remember my own mother and her support and acceptance regardless of my personal positions. There will be times when I am hurt by her actions or words, but I will remember I want my daughter to be strong and authentic, just like my own did for me. But more than anything I want a daughter who wants to include me in her life, even if it is not the way I envision it to be.

I am so grateful for my mother. I am grateful for her flaws, her growth over time, and her unwavering love. I am grateful for the woman she supported me in becoming and for the mother she will have helped me to be. 

When Andrew and I were discussing the prospect of having Baby Lazalier, an important consideration was whether we would be a dual-income or single-income household. We settled on the latter. Neither choice is unilaterally superior, though when we weighed the costs and benefits of both, we felt a single-income household was preferable for the lifestyle we wanted to create. 

The Dynamics
We certainly live in a world where work-life balance is askew, side hustles are almost an expectation, and the "stuff" you have determines your worth. The older Andrew and I get, the more we realize the value in having less stuff and more time and space. For our household, we want to balance family time with work. Andrew has a demanding work schedule, and likely will uproot us a couple more times as he continues to climb the ladder at work. With those considerations coupled with the astronomical cost of great childcare, a single-income dynamic is more appealing to us (at least for now). When Andrew gets off work is completely variable, if he needs to go in to oversee projects or problems on weekends is totally variable, and early mornings and late nights occur frequently. That means if I was working full time as well, I would be the one responsible for pickups, taking off work for a sick child, and juggling all of that with my own work obligations. None of that sounds appealing to me and I can only imagine the resentment and frustration likely to arise. I also have a background in child development, teaching, and enjoy being with children so it makes sense for me to prioritize that early relationship with my own.

With one of us working outside of the home and one of us prioritizing the needs of the household, we can more easily facilitate a work-family life balance that we'd like without gassing and taxing ourselves. As someone who has often worked full-time with at least one side hustle in tow while prepping for a competition, I can say I have learned to appreciate space and not grinding it out just to say you could. In life we only have the path (each day) and the hustle and bustle make it go by in a snap (and the day to day is often miserable). Andrew and I are trying to create a life that is focused on the present, is slower-paced, and more deliberate. We want our life to be one that doesn't have us holding our breath to the next vacation, but brings us enjoyment each day. 

Stay-at-Home but not Helicopter 
In the United States so much of an individual's identity is in the job they hold, therefore the ego attachment to that title and their accomplishments are significant. I believe this is why so many stay-at-home moms are characterized as helicopter moms and overbearing. Because the child is seen as the mom's "job" the child's development, achievements, and activities are also seen as the mom's accomplishments. I am already trying to be mindful of detaching my ego from the person Genevieve becomes. I am not attached to what she achieves, how quickly she learns, or anything else. I see myself as a guide and mentor there to facilitate her growth into the person she wishes to become. This means I will be mindful of the environment and resources she has exposure to, while not trying to overbook a schedule or create a mini resume to validate my job as a stay-at-home parent. 

 Other Benefits 
Beyond the benefits of bonding and quality time (my love language) that this affords me with Genevieve but also Andrew (since we only have to balance the needs of his work time away), Heidi and Burlioz will also be able to have adequate attention to their needs. Not to mention, the twice-daily vacuuming and other home chores can easily be squeezed into the day. Errands too can be done during the day and don't take away from family time during the evenings or on weekends. Why sure we could pay for a meal-prep, cleaning, or lawn care service. We could pay for these services (and there is nothing wrong with households who do); we prefer to do them ourselves. We enjoy the day to day regularity and simplicity of owning your own environment and for us, and this is a value we hope to instill in Genevieve as well. 

Today officially marks week 28 with Baby G, and that means I am officially into my third trimester. It almost feels surreal that Genevieve will be here in approximately 12 weeks. I am reminding myself that this is plenty of time and to take everything in stride (but the desire to nest and learn all-the-things is real). As I enter the last third of my pregnancy, I want to take some time to reflect on my feelings, experiences, and choices from trimesters one and two.This post will be slightly longer than my normal post length since I am combining both reflections. 

Trimester One: Space to Process 
I still remember the day we found out we were pregnant. I am almost freakishly attuned to my body and had a *feeling* for a couple weeks. The dogs definitely seemed to know something was up too. They rarely follow me into the bathroom, but were really interested in the smell of my urine (TMI but oh well). We chose not to share with friends and family until we were 14 weeks along. While we did confide in a couple friends and tell neighbors earlier than that, we waited to tell our loved ones closest to us. When I reflect on why we chose to do this, I believe it has a lot to do with protecting those who would have a vested interest in Baby Lazalier. *Telling a neighbor or friend about a miscarriage feels less emotionally taxing than a would-be grandparent or uncle* Our families had no idea we were going to have kids--let alone were currently trying to have one. But I can say, the shock and disbelief on Thanksgiving when we finally did share was priceless. 

I initially felt a total sense of bliss early into pregnancy. A serene joy that appeared attached to nothing specific (if you know me, this isn't a common orientation for me). That bliss did quickly turn in to nausea and lethargy coupled with a significant love of spaghetti and meatballs (now if there is a meatball on a cooking show I turn the channel--I am not joking). The nausea and lethargy stayed with me until the first day of trimester two. During this time I felt lazy and rather useless, but I was able to sleep like a baby and took full advantage. Andrew was very sweet about it and would say "you're not useless, you're growing a baby..." While I always rolled my eyes, I too always appreciated these words and his kindness.

While I was always very nauseous, I never threw up. I attribute this partially to understanding that you're more likely to throw up on an empty stomach due to bile, so I never went anywhere without a snack packed, ate something right before bed, and immediately upon waking. Even when I was queasy, I'd still eat something (or drink orange juice). I also abstained from any and all powder supplements: no protein powders, BCAAs, etc. I wanted to focus nutrition from real foods rather than artificial powders (but I totally indulged in Freddy's steak burgers during this point of my pregnancy). 

The biggest hiccup for us during this time was that Andrew had Covid with symptoms at the end of October. Fortunately we hadn't been too close due to work being chaotic (he'd come home, eat, and pass out then repeat). He came home one day and said "I feel funny, but I don't think its Covid..." In this house, you have Covid until proven otherwise so quarantine in the guest spaces started immediately. Fortunately I did not get Covid during that time and it was a piece of mind knowing Andrew had the antibodies for at least three months. He likely got it from our gym, and so the saddest decision I had to make was abstaining from the gym until Baby G's arrival. 

The first trimester seemed to take a long time. For one, I found out very early I was pregnant (just a couple weeks along) and second because I DO NOT keep secrets and held this one for several months. The nausea and lethargy probably didn't help speed time along either. But that time was also really wonderful and peaceful. It was Andrew and my secret to hold and process together and that deep connection is the component of trimester one I will hold to the light and keep in my memory most. 

Trimester Two: Routine, Nesting, & Feeling Great
I woke up day one of trimester two and walked the dogs, showered, cleaned the house, and helped cook sides for Thanksgiving dinner before FaceTiming lots of family... needless to say this level of energy and productivity felt absolutely amazing. Fortunately, that energy persisted. While I did have to take "breaks" after more exerting tasks I had way more gas in the tank. I also was rarely nauseous, maybe a handful of days the entire trimester. My cravings totally switched too. I LOVED (actually still do) red hot and wanted what I call "bland prep food" (egg whites, chicken, veggies, rice, sweet potato) over burgers and Italian food that I craved in trimester one. I also got into a great daily routine. An important component of that routine involved walking in my neighborhood. I would aim for 6-10 miles a day. This allowed me fresh air, to socialize with neighbors, call and connect with family and friends, and listen to parenting and pregnancy audiobooks. As I became more pregnant, I chose to listen to my body and now aim more for 4-7 miles a day. I also added in prenatal yoga routines (I love Sarah Beth on Youtube) once I noticed more strain in my back from my growing bump. I also would occasionally lift some weights in the living room. 

I really didn't start showing until I was beyond 20 weeks pregnant. While I am not really one for the regular bump picture updates, I made sure to take a couple to see the growth of the process. I felt like I was going to wake up one day and BAM! There'd be the bump, and that is exactly what happened. I have also had (and Andrew can attest) minimal hormonal swings. To be honest, late-in-prep-hormonal Kelly is more challenging than pregnant Kelly. I've been pretty relaxed overall. I know many women talk about how amazing feeling your baby move inside of you is--and while I DO find extreme relief in knowing Baby G is growing and bumping to the day's groove--it is still alien and strange AF to me. Though I remind myself to be present with this stage of the process and not to wish any part of the process away; I merely wanted to describe my less-than-sentimental and honest feelings too. 

In trimester two I really noticed a difference in sleep. I began sleeping on my side per instructions to help reduce stress on the spine and aid in Baby G's access to oxygen. But I hated it (and still do). I wake regularly in the night to go to the bathroom and drink water and some nights I am up for a sustained period of time. I am leaning in to this by reminding myself it is great practice for the disruption in sleep once Baby G is here and night feedings disrupt my sleep. 

In trimester two I really began having waves of "needing to nest." Some days I would wake up and be adamant about getting the crib, or starting the baby first aid kit, or feel like "oh my god, I need to listen to an audiobook about breast feeding today." This part of the process has been so much fun. I describe the nursery as my happy place. I love just sitting in there with the large windows, taking in the light, and just feeling what that space will be like with Genevieve there too.

​Genevieve Ryan will be with us soon enough, and we are so overjoyed to be with her on her journey in this world. For the second trimester I will really remember the reality of Baby G's imminent arrival: everyone knowing, the tangible "stuff" in the nursery space, and ultrasound pictures that show her discernible features. 

As someone who preps for bodybuilding contests and distance-running races, I know that intentionality can impact how successful you are in achieving a goal. When Andrew and I decided we wanted to try for a baby in 2020, I considered the ways in which intentional actions could assist us in achieving this goal. This post may contain some TMI details, but my hope is to share those elements of the process that I believe aided us in our journey to become pregnant. My intention is not to say what someone else should or shouldn't do, but rather reflect what worked for me.

Can I even GET pregnant?
This was a huge question I had that I didn't allow to linger at the forefront of my mind. I have always had very irregular periods and problematic PMS symptoms. I had not used birth control since I was 18 (a brief stint since I had a horrible reaction to the depo provera shot) and Andrew and I had never so much as had a pregnancy scare. I also had been in back-to-back competition preps that resulted in ZERO periods for close to a full year. *Dieting and low body fat can greatly impact your cycle* My first "goal" was to get my cycle back on track. Knowing 1-4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, I wanted to have 3 periods before we even began trying. So I increased my calories (eating in caloric surplus), made sure I was eating more fat to help my hormones level out (hello cheat meals but also avocado, egg yolks, peanut butter, and olive oil) and leaned in to being less lean (easier to type than to do). I extrapolated my bodybuilding background knowledge of "you build muscle in caloric surplus" to "you likely can more easily build a baby in one too." I also toned it back on the intensity of my workouts and cardio sessions.

In this modern world it is so common to hear about women closely tracking ovulation via an app, using ovulation test strips, and only trying at the perfect time. I knew I wanted none of that. My orientation was such that I felt deliberate intervention and stress wouldn't be necessary until evidence proved it so. Therefore we discussed trying for six months (every weekend) and if we were not successful, then we would be more deliberate. BUT we conceived within ONE month. I did begin tracking my periods once I began having them. My first period was in May and I had cycles pretty close to 35 days apart in June and July. We began officially trying the last week of July and by September, we knew Baby G was baking in the oven.

Other Factors
Since I knew I had some time to prep my body before trying, I considered other factors I wanted to change as well. For one, I was using a topical acne gel that would be harmful to fetal development. So while I've been rocking chin breakouts for longer than I'd like, I quickly nixed that product for the time being. I also chose to dye my hair closer to the color of my natural color so I wouldn't have to color my hair during pregnancy, especially the first trimester (it has been nice saving some money in the process). I also began listening to audiobooks like What to Expect When You're Expecting. This was great because it helped me consider factors that mattered early into pregnancy. For instance, I never knew that hot water can lead to miscarriages (specifically in the first trimester) and that baths should be avoided or you should only use warm water. No thank you: I chose to simply remove baths from my routine (and I was a daily bath kind of girl). I also used this time to have meaningful conversations with Andrew about parenting expectations, styles, and considerations. We talked through personal experiences, priorities, and opinions. We did this as we relaxed on the patio on weekends--pinterest has loads of great questionnaires and topics. Our topics ranged greatly: Name? Holiday traditions? Spanking? What if they are trans or gay? Behavior interventions? Dual-income or single? Funny enough, the only thing we didn't agree on was circumcision and since we will be having a baby girl, that won't be something we need to discuss more (at least not for Baby G).

For me the name of this blog perfectly embodies the approach I took to conceive: winging it with intention. I wanted to lean in to what was natural and literally lead with "let nature take its course." I wanted to focus on controlling certain elements that I believed would create a better environment for baby, while not stressing or controlling what I needn't worry about. Each woman's path to pregnancy looks different, and this one is mine. From my experience, a resonant quote is "hold the vision, trust the process."