Honestly, I didn't even open my pump, bottles, or warmer prior to needing them. No, I planned to exclusively feed Genevieve from my breast and then after a few months I probably would want a break and would begin pumping then to build a reserve. This was NOT how the process unfolded. The process of breastfeeding has been a humble reminder of why winging it can be useful (and freeing) when our intention doesn't fit our reality. Goals are great to establish, and grace is necessary to come to terms with the reality of your circumstances. 

Background: Breastfeeding with an Oversupply 
I developed mastitis my second week postpartum. Instead of waiting to pump in a few months, I needed to begin pumping immediately.  The night I was symptomatic with mastitis, we began reading the manuals to figure out the pump and warmer. Thank goodness for a friend who noticed I didn't register for bottles or a warmer and got them for me anyway. Andrew began sanitizing my pump parts and our bottles (I seriously love my Doctor Brown glass bottles). Sometimes (okay maybe more often that we'd like to admit) you don't know what you need until you need it. I was nursing G, but still needed to pump every two hours to get out the clog and for relief. It took me a while to learn the pump setting that worked for me and my flange size (word to the wise get a feel for the sizing and fit you need prior to baby to avoid pain and discomfort and to appropriately empty yourself--but do not pump while pregnant as it can induce labor). I did all of this learning while trying to temper a 104 degree temperature and between convulsive chills that made my entire body shake--clearly not ideal. 

Between my abundant supply of milk and Genevieve's lazier method to drinking, I learned I was pretty much incessantly at risk for mastitis. In fact, I actually nearly got it a second time a few weeks later (all the early signs were there) but I fortunately could avoid a second round of antibiotics (though my doctor prescribed them and I have them on hand if I need them). To give you an idea of what I contend with I will give a brief list of interventions I utilized in order to continue feeding Genevieve at the breast while managing my oversupply: 

• Only pump when absolutely necessary as to not create an even greater oversupply (this would mean if I fed G for 30-40 minutes, I would then also need to pump before or after feeds and do all the accompanying dishes while trying to keep baby occupied or do it before she was awake and ready to feed)
• Could not wear a handsfree bra to pump; I actually have to pump one breast at a time AND milk myself every time to adequately work the milk out (insert deep sigh and eye roll)
• Haakaa with epsom salt in the shower (usually every third shower) 
• Daily sunflower lecithin supplement (a life saver to aid in milk flow, it doesn't aid in supply) 
• Wearing Silverlette cups over nipples (these look absolutely obnoxious but I have issues if I try to get by only wearing reusable breast pads, though my nipples are in great shape and I don't need to use any creams, balms, or butters because of them) 
• Must not wear a normal bra (or if I do not for long) because I will develop clogs (I have like 4 sports bras I actually like)
• Must breastfeed with bra and top completely off because I will get soaked from dripping milk 
• Must feed with a haakaa on opposite breast or my letdown would soak me 
• Must feed with a nipple shield 
• Must avoid foods that promote milk supply 

There is no other way to say it, than to describe breastfeeding as a labor of love. There was one point in the first few weeks that Andrew looked at me and said "I don't know how moms work out of the home AND do all of this..." Truly, if I would be working, I do not believe I could have breastfed for as long as I did under these circumstances (or if I did I would certainly be a mama who battles chronic mastitis). Some may read this and say, "why put yourself through this?" But I can say, as taxing as this phase of breastfeeding was: I truly loved it. I did not expect to even like breastfeeding, let alone love it. I looked forward to the quality time and I can tell you I didn't feel the same attachment when giving her a bottle. Any personal strain or discomfort was minimized by the physical and emotional connection I felt during the activity. While we introduced a bottle during my bout with mastitis, we did not give her more than 1-2 bottles a day. I preferred to feed her from the breast over her receiving a bottle. Though Andrew was very happy to begin sharing the feeding responsibility and the accompanying bond. 

While most women gush "LUCKY" when I tell them of my oversupply, they often cannot empathize with the strain, struggle, and stress of managing it. Did you know that breastmilk is not consistent? It actually changes throughout the day (for example it is more watery during the early morning due to loss of hydration over the night) but also over the course of each feeding. The initial milk, called foremilk, is more watery, hydrating, and gets the baby's appetite going. Then hindemilk follows, which is the fattier, more nutrient-dense milk. When mothers have an oversupply, the balance of hindemilk to foremilk can be thrown off. This can actually negatively impact the baby's digestion and nutrition. And alas, this was a problem we contended with. Genevieve was having very green poop, which is a sign of this imbalance. I began researching methods to combat this issue. I tried pumping out milk prior to feeds, something I didn't love doing because I worried the stimulation would further increase my supply. I even read that you can shake your breast prior to feedings to mix the milk--Kelis' song 'Milkshake' played in my mind and I rolled my eyes every time I attempted this, though it actually did help. The added dishes, attempts at perfect timing, and inconsistent results made me feel like I was constantly weathering a storm on a row boat. All the while, I still enjoyed feeding G and feeling her little hand wisp and dance on my chest and make eye contact as she fed. 

Around 4.5 months, Genevieve had started getting a few more bottles each day and began preferring them to feeding at the breast. She began turning her head at the breast (with my nipple) and twisting and turning in frustration. A lot. And boy was it uncomfortable. Certain feeds she would cry and struggle to latch when she realized she had work to do in order to get her meal. I would sometimes need to go grab pump materials, get my letdown started and pop her on and hold her frustrated head on to get a latch. Of course I could have continued to weather the storm, eliminate bottles, and require us to 'stick it out' at the breast. However, after contending with this (on top of everything else already mentioned) I decided to lean in to Genevieve's lead and switch to exclusively pumping. We switched one Tuesday cold turkey several weeks ago, and haven't looked back. 

How We Hold It Determines How We Experience It 
I want to take some time to describe the emotion behind this transition and how I chose to handle the situation. The phrase "they grow up so fast!" is often uttered. I hear it multiple times a week if I am being honest. I prefer not to cling to this sentiment because it feels like we are missing out and that time is being stolen from us. Rather I prefer to think (and say) "growth and development in the first year is so rapid." This is different because I am acknowledging that our babies change seemingly before our eyes but without the attachment that I am mourning the loss of the stages they have already moved beyond. I am grounded in my choice to be present during Genevieve's wakeful periods and to stay home with her and I do not feel a sadness for all the phases she has moved beyond. I hold reverence for all those phases of the past (oh my gosh those newborn full-body stretches), and I am grateful to have been present for them. Even Andrew who works away from home and is away for most of the day is focused on where she is right now so that he feels adequately filled up by the stages that are behind us. The only thing constant in this world is change, and we choose to surrender ourselves to that and feel a greater peace because of that outlook. All those phases of the past are built in the the tiny person she is in this moment and therefore they are not lost or gone, but rather a building block to the foundation of this present version. 

When I chose to make the switch cold turkey to all bottles I did not allow myself to cling to thoughts and judgements that would make me feel shame, guilt, or attachment. To me, the goal is always to ween Genevieve off the breast. Instead of forcing us both to continue on, I leaned in to HER desires and cues. I did not let my emotional attachment to our connection during breastfeeding sessions to make us force breastfeeding to continue. I still value feeding Genevieve with breastmilk and plan to do so for her first year of life, but I am unattached to how she receives the breastmilk.

I am comforted by the fact that we have all those special moments and memories of her feeding at the breast and will cherish them, but I did not allow myself to even think sadly 'this is the last time she is at my breast...' I could spent time and energy there but I chose not to. Instead I tell myself  "If I really need that connection I can pop her back on..." And guess what? I do not feel that need. Actually, I think as her mother it is important to check in on my motivations and make sure I am making choices that make sense for our reality and NOT my own emotional attachments. This perspective coupled with the more regular routine with pumping has made exclusively pumping feel less arduous and works for us in this phase. I also attach myself to the notion that we had so many breastfeeding sessions together that bonded us (and took pictures to capture the memory) and now when she bottle feeds I still see her connection and love in her eye contact and feel it in the way she squeezes and holds my pointer finger. The love and connection is there, albeit different. But the only constant in life, as previously mentioned, is change and this is just one of many transitions that we will experience of how our connection adjusts with age and time.

The Mechanics of Exclusively Pumping 
I want to begin this section by stating I am not advertising that anyone should switch to exclusively pumping, nor stating it is better or best. I am merely expressing what it looks like and the benefits it has afforded me based on our circumstances. There is no right way. I want to share how switching methods and navigating a new and different way gave Genevieve what she wanted while having mental and emotional benefits for me. 

Moving to exclusively pumping at 5 months postpartum afforded me benefits I hadn't previously considered. The first was that I could determine exactly how much milk I was (over) producing. Most women produce 24-32 ounces of milk per day. I was producing double that at 75 ounces per day (I could literally feed twins). Related, I could then pump at set times fit in to a routine and hopefully try to bring down my daily supply to be more manageable. Considering I avoid foods that promote milk supply and talking to my own mom about her abundant supply while breastfeeding, I believe there are certain biological and genetic factors beyond my control that will keep me overproducing. For example, during my first pump session of the morning (usually when milk is most abundant) I was pumping close to 30 ounces at once (basically what most women normally produce in one single day) and now I pump closer to 20 ounces.

 I could also determine how much milk Genevieve was eating per day. Genevieve was always a long feeder--during some cluster feeds she would eat for a solid TWO hours, though her normal length of breastfeeding was 25-45 minutes. I joked that Genevieve's cool and relaxed temperament were related to her life of abundance in that milk was never in short supply, and I do think there is some truth to that. Genevieve has always taken in more milk than average babies her age, and again I think this is related to the supply at her disposal.

Another benefit for me is I can relieve both breasts at one time. Since I produced so much, I could only ever feed Genevieve off of one breast. I would collect my letdown on the other breast with my haakaa and collect an additional 2-8 ounces per feeding. But with pumping I am able to drain both breasts and boy, the relief I feel is wonderful. Similarly, I am dry and need to change clothes much less often. Genevieve would just spit out milk, kick off my haakaa, and my letdown would leak all over me. It drove me crazy and not needing to contend with that has been very welcomed.

I am also better able to control the balance of foremilk to hindemilk because I can dump some of the initial foremilk to make bottles that are balanced and therefore aid Genevieve's digestion and nutritional intake. I keep five bottles prepped and ready in the fridge and usually one bottle drying on the rack/ out on the counter that is ready to pump into. I am mindful that upon first waking and last bottle of the night are 'made' roughly around the same time of day because she needs the more foremilk-dominant morning milk upon waking and the more nutrient-dense hindemilk concentration found in evening milk to keep her belly full through the night. Genevieve sleeps 10-11 hours at a time at night and I find if I accidentally give her a morning-pump bottle she will not sleep as long. 

My daily  pump schedule is as follows: 

• First Pump Session of the day sometime between 4-6 am (my boobs are a built in alarm clock and I wake and pump when they require it) 
• Second Pump Session of the day is between 9-10 am when Genevieve goes down for her first nap 
• Third Pump Session of the day is between 12-1 pm when Genevieve goes down for her second nap
• Fourth Pump Session of the day is between 5:30-6:30 pm when Andrew gets home from work and can occupy G 
• Fifth Pump Session of the day is between 8:30-9:30 pm which is just before we end our day and go to bed, though occasionally it is a bit later on weekends

Like anything, it is important to state that this is a loose schedule and I always ebb with the needed flow of a day and some days I may add more pump sessions if I ate more indulgently the day before or if our schedule deviates a bit from our normal routine. However, overall this is roughly the schedule I keep. Pump sessions usually take around 15-20 minutes total plus time to do the dishes. Doing pump dishes--for whatever reason--is my absolute least favorite part. I absolutely despise it. I don't know why, but I do. Fortunately, Andrew knows this and if he is home will grab them and handle it to relieve me of the duty and I am genuinely grateful for the 'break' of that responsibility.

Pumping does not result in the same happy connection that feeding from the breast affords. Many mamas I talk to actually despise it and have described pumping as 'sucking the life out of them.' I can empathize with that description since pumping is not my favorite activity, but it isn't the worst thing either. I hold at the forefront that doing this affords me the ability to breastfeed Genevieve (yes, EP mamas are in fact still breastfeeding their babies) while also aiding me in myriad ways that I detailed above. 

I truly believe fed is best. And while I anticipated feeding Genevieve from my breast for longer and in doing it exclusively, conditions required me to relinquish some of my preconceived expectations. By leaning in to the winging it I am better able to be at peace with what we have done, what we are doing, and embrace the next phase of change once we begin introducing solids next week. Yes, change is inevitable. Our littles grow and their needs adjust, if we release attachment and lean in to what this version of them needs, we can better service them and feel a greater sense of peace about 'the how' too. 

I like to think that I am an open book, especially if those pages can help or connect with someone on their own journey in some way. That being said: I believe in sharing different components of my own journey and experiences when it feels resonant. I am sharing this detail of our parenting experience not in the thickest of it, but still mid-process. I will start this post by saying there can always be something to worry about. Shoot, even in the absence of something concrete we often find ourselves waiting for that 'something' to reveal itself. 

We learned the Monday after Genevieve's birth that this 'something' for our family was going to be Genevieve's heart. I was at a lactation consultation where we received good feedback on my supply and Genevieve's latch with a shield. Of course the next day I became symptomatic with mastitis but that is something else entirely. In fact, I would take dealing with the worst of mastitis ten times over if I could avoid the additional news we learned that day. 

At the appointment, we had a doctor check in on Genevieve. After listening to her heart, the doctor gave us a concerning look and asked, "are you aware that she has a significant heart murmur?" This was in fact new (and worrisome) news to us.  No earlier checks at the hospital or at her followup appointments revealed this problem; nor had we experienced any symptoms of a problem (thankfully). I left that appointment feeling quite flustered. While I knew murmurs are common in babies, we were still concerned; the modifier "significant" rang in my mind and I had to deliberately choose to not think on it too deeply. 

Several days later at our two-week checkup with Genevieve's primary doctor, he confirmed the murmur as well. He said the murmur was so pronounced he could actually hear it over her breathing. She was developing well in all other aspects, but we left the appointment with a referral to a pediatric cardiologist and a pit in both of our stomachs. Being told to look for signs of heart failure in your newborn and what to do in case those symptoms arise is traumatic, no matter how positive your outlook. Due to staffing issues, the cardiology department tried to schedule us out over a month later. I challenged that timeline adamantly and managed to get them to see us in just a couple weeks instead.  

To date, we have had three cardiology appointments; they were when she was 1 month, 2 months, and 4 months of age. At the first appointment, she got a full ECHO, at the second she got a full ECHO, EKG, blood pressure test, and chest x-ray, and at the most recent she received a limited ECHO, EKG, and blood pressure test. I do not think I could ever appropriately describe how hard it is to watch your tiny newborn in a sterile medical setting, bound by a swaddle that keeps her chest bare while she has probes and an ultrasound reader scanning her chest for nearly an hour. Each time I would be curled up on the bed beside G: stroking her, talking to her, and keeping her occupied. I remember clenching my teeth and shutting my eyes in the first two ECHOs any time they played the loud audio of her heart. Andrew would comment after the appointment on how relaxed I seemed, to which I expressed I was very anxious but my priority was emanating calmness as to aid Genevieve through the processes. Genevieve was always so relaxed and accommodating, but the experiences still tore at my mama heart. I always left those appointments with emotional drain that would catch up with me an hour or so after the appointments. I also cannot imagine attending these appointments without Andrew there. As a note to any mamas who need to see specialists: just because you can go it alone, doesn't mean you should. Lean in to your partner and do it together. 

We learned Genevieve had two heart murmurs. Murmurs are often common and heal themselves and do not cause problems in babies. Genevieve had one described "common murmur" that was not a true murmur but rather was the result of a flap allowing blood to flow where it ought not be. This small patent foramen ovale resolved on its own via our 4-month ECHO. Genevieve's second (and true) murmur was our bigger concern.

The original classification for this second murmur was a small/medium peri membrane VSD. This murmur, we learned via our cardiologist at our second appointment, could result in Genevieve possibly needing activity restriction, heart failure medication, or even heart surgery at six months of age. At each appointment Genevieve's VSD appeared tighter (a good thing) and to show it was healing on its own (though it may never heal entirely). At our four-month check the doctor said he would now classify the murmur as "very small" and due to her age we were beyond the "critical period." That is not to say that Genevieve could not show signs of heart failure or that she's fully in the clear, but it is welcomed and reassuring news. As of now, the murmur is not obstructing any of the structures of her heart; but we will need to continue to monitor her murmur. We can expect continued appointments until she's 5 years old (at least).  

 Why share all of this? The details of her appointments are not the purpose of this post. I share them to give context to the 'something' we personally have been dealing with that we haven't let dominate our time and attention. What I really want to talk about is protecting your peace and preserving joy regardless of worries and concerns (that are inevitable). As someone who tends to be anxious and has perfectionist tendencies, it is easy for me to perseverate on the worst case scenario or what is wrong. That being said: I struggle to battle this orientation internally. This is why I am mindful of who and how I share information. I learned my lesson in pregnancy when some became too obsessed with details about my hypertension in pregnancy and interjected their anxiety onto me (talking about your blood pressure spikes does not actually help them, in case you were wondering). Andrew and I looked at each other in the elevator leaving the cardiology floor and he said "we are not going to talk to everyone about this, right?" To which I nodded with wide eyes. It wasn't until after this most recent appointment that we felt comfortable sharing broadly with friends, family, and to blog any of these details. We may have mentioned to some at a high level that G had a heart murmur, but most waved it away as 'Oh, that is so common, I know ____ who had that..." and we didn't elaborate further. 

I will say that I did confide in a select few with more details (leaning in and venting is important). I was careful to lean in to those who would not lead with fear and sympathy or too many questions. Rather those who would allow me to vent, be somewhat detached, and those who might have a deeper level of empathy (something they can relate to). I needed these people to let some of the steam out, but that wouldn't need to know all the details, check in, or make me think about her heart murmur any more than I needed to. There was nothing we could do for her but allow time to pass, so we needed to surrender in order to free ourselves of anxiety and worry. If she was going into heart failure and turning blue, it wouldn't actually help her if I had thought about it fifty times before. 

Genevieve is an incredibly happy, curious, expressive, and relaxed baby. She sleeps like a dream and rarely cries or seems irritated. I say all of this not to brag, but to give perspective. If I would focus too greatly on the one thing that is wrong, I would not be present and happy about all those moments that have nothing to do with her underlying heart condition. I was mindful to say, "I will not let this steal my joy." I would allow the thought to be but not judge it. Almost like the clouds in the sky, I noticed, acknowledged, and then grounded myself with what was actually happening in that moment. I chose not to google more information (I did not see value in becoming a VSD expert), avoided talking about it too often, or to think about the what ifs. I held in my mind the warning signs I needed to be aware of, I slept in her room in my reclining glider to be close by (since SIDS is often linked to an underlying and often undiagnosed heart problem), and I operated most of the time from the present moment--which had nothing to do with this background diagnosis. 

I think as people, we can fall victim to excusing our worst impulses. It takes conscious effort to rise above and work through those things. I want Genevieve to push beyond and challenge her worst impulses, and I am committed to doing that too. Children do as we do, not as we say. Integrity is everything, and I therefore want to model not letting pessimism or anxiety rule. If I would have allowed myself to worry, so many moments would have been missed. Instead of filling up during her naps on self-care or productive tasks: I would have felt terrible and worried. Instead of reading, singing, and playing with G: I would have felt terrible and worried. Instead of sleeping well when she did I would have (you guessed it) felt terrible and worried. Our reality is only our perception, and while we cannot control circumstances or events we absolutely control how we experience them. 

Our perception is a choice. Of course we all operate from different levels. But practice and conscious effort coupled with strategies can help us improve. When I first started deadlifting I wasn't able to do 305 lbs, but with practice and by challenging myself, that became my PR. There is always room for improvement, not because we aren't enough but because that is being human. I am grateful Genevieve's murmur is trending in the right direction AND this experience was merely a catalyst for the self work I needed to do. This experience enabled me to practice choosing joy over stress, fear, and anxiety. This then will better help me when a new stressor presents itself and will model to Genevieve the inherent power she holds in creating her own reality through conscious perception. 

Photo taken at Genevieve's third cardiology appointment after her EKG

Dear Mama, 
Regardless of when, how, or why you became a mama: I support you. Being a mama can feel overwhelming, isolating, and like any choice you make is up for scrutiny. I have made it a priority to connect with the myriad mamas in my life in pursuit of empathizing and understanding the different avenues that lead to a happy child and family dynamic. Guess what? There is no single *right* way. If you are *shoulding* on yourself: stop. If you are *worried* you aren't enough: know that you are. If you are defensive when talking to another mama who does "it" *better* than you: empathize that she is simply choosing what's best for her family. If you have AppleTV I highly recommend watching the mini docuseries: Becoming You. Andrew and I watched this while pregnant and again after G made her arrival earth side. This documentary follows over 100 babies and kiddos in their first five years of life all around the world. It exemplifies how a healthy and happy family look different for everyone. Regardless of the philosophy you subscribe to your baby will hit those milestones, become bonded and connected, and develop their unique identity. 

I find it so interesting to talk to mamas who are similar to me AND different from me in their approach to parenting. Not because I am judging their choices and how it impacts their kiddos, but because it helps me get clarity on what is resonant for me. I think we often shy away from conversations with those who do it differently than us for two reasons. The first is to protect ourselves from guilt or shame and to justify our decisions. The second reason is because we do not want to seem judgmental when we share a deviation from the other person's approach. I strive to communicate openly and with curiosity: not judgement. I challenge you to seek conversations about the different ways mamas do things and listen. Listen not to speak your defense, but to hear why it resonates for that mama. In doing so you are more deeply leaning into that relationship and connecting, and you might find a nugget organically in there for you that you hadn't previously considered. 

By seeking mamas who do it similarly to you, it may help you see that even those more like you, still do it differently. Even if your foundation or philosophies are the same, no two styles are truly alike. By connecting in to those similar to you, I think it can be an easier springboard into accepting other perspectives and strategies. There is comfort in finding those who are aligned to the strategies and values you hold. These are often the mamas that I go to first when I am feeling stressed or that I am struggling. This is not because I am seeking confirmation of my ideas, but because that mama is better able to empathize with where I am coming from in that moment. For instance, when I knew I needed to have a scheduled induction, it was INCREDIBLY helpful to talk to other mamas who had scheduled inductions *bonus points for the several mamas who also had elevated blood pressure (not preeclampsia) like me. Hearing them NOT describe a negative experience, but a positive one was SO helpful when I felt vulnerable about this element of my journey to mamahood. I of course still connected with mamas who had different experiences, but the most resonant conversations at that time were those similar to my journey. 

There really are an infinite amount of ways to do just about everything. Books that dictate a style, research to support the approach, and anecdotal stories can leave any mom or mom-to-be with whiplash. Here is where intentionality is key. f you are doing your best, using the best information you have, and are happy with the choice and dynamic for you, your little one, and your family then you're doing it right--because it is therefore what is right for you. I have genuinely enjoyed being a mama. I can't say I loved being pregnant. In fact, just yesterday when asked when we'd like to have Genevieve's sibling I immediately responded "I don't know, I don't even want to think about being pregnant." I find some feeling of shame and guilt in typing that, but nonetheless it is my genuine feeling. It isn't right or wrong, it is simply how I feel.

I think as mamas it is important to notice how we feel and the perspectives we hold. Noticing is different than judging. I can consider how I feel or a thought that comes into my mind and let it go. And then I DO NOT judge myself for the thought or feeling. If you don't practice yoga or meditation, both of these practices can help you notice, name, and move on from a feeling or thought. Most people find meditation intimidating because they feel they need to think about nothing. But really, meditation is simply a practice of letting go and non-attachment. Then, in real life when an anxious thought, shame or guilt creep in, you can let go and not attach more easily. By letting go of random noise or distractions in your practice, you've developed the "muscle" to do the same in a genuinely stressful real-life moment. 


So here's to you: mama or mama-to-be (or mama-to-be *hopefully* soon): 
Whether you love, hate, or feel detached from the baby in your belly: you're going to be an amazing mama. If you deliver your LO unmedicated, medicated, cesarean, induction, naturally, planned, or via an emergency procedure: you have a safe mama and baby and you did it right. Regardless of what you decide to do after maternity leave, as long as you're happy with the balance you maintain, that is what's important. If that means working away from home, working at home, seasonally working, side hustling, full or part-time positions the dynamic that suits your family right now is what is best. Whether you want to be the main caregiver during the day, utilize family members, rely on a school-like daycare, or at-home day care: your baby will learn and socialize and enjoy their day. Some need regular date nights or girls nights away from baby while others may just want a break to go to the store, do some self care, or hit the gym. Others may struggle leaving baby at all--listen to yourself and the timing and break you need. I personally cannot imagine leaving G with anyone other than Andrew right now and won't leave her for more than two hours. This doesn't make me love her more than a mama who wants a longer break, it is simply my personal feeling and preference for right now. 

Whether the topic is sleep, feeling, socialization, or enrichment of baby: there are a million-and-one options to choose from. Many experts are split on "the best way" so don't let anyone tell you which way is best--or that your way is sub par. Can't or don't want to breastfeed? That's fine, have you ever met an adult and been like "ohh, I can tell you got formula when you were young..." No, you can't. I have seen mama's say "I am not REALLY breastfeeding because I use a nipple shield," what an absurd judgement. Purees or baby-led weening? Your baby will learn to eat a diverse diet regardless. Does your baby bed-share, room-share, sleep in their own crib? Do you sleep train or rely on attachment parenting? I promise the best decision on sleep is the one that yields the best peace-of-mind and sleep for mom and dad--regardless of what the details are. Are you getting your baby out and about right away to experience all-of-the-places and meet all-of-the important people in your life? Are you keeping baby at home and keeping socialization to a minimum for your own reasons? Baby will be fine. Safety and socialization pros and cons are best balanced by mom and dad. Whatever you are most comfortable with is what is most important (if you're reading this as a loved one of a new parent: ask, don't assume and please avoid guilt trips and judgmental comments). 

Mama, by wanting what's best for your baby, you are already proving you are doing what's best for baby. There will always be new information, change in popular fads, and things you wish you would have known. Learning is experiential. You don't know what you don't know until you don't know it. Operate from a place where you try your best and are always free to shift or pivot. Connect with mamas who are like you and dissimilar to you, I promise both hold value. There is no place for competition among moms (we all probably have our own internal critic who is loud enough anyway). And for that reason, regardless of your methods, I support you and I know you got this. 

Dear Genevieve, 

You have been with us for three months, and already it is hard to remember life without you here. I am amazed by how independent and curious you are already. You love facing outward while rocking or when we carry you. But when you're having a hard day, you still love to tree frog sleep on my chest (even if you fight it at first). You love looking around and moving about the house; your chief responsibility is to spot the fan in each room. You don't show too much interest in your puppy dogs yet, but Burlioz is always close by and Heidi comes in to check on you and loves licking your head and smelling your diaper.

We spend most of our time right now at home and you definitely don't seem to mind. We read, sing, and play. You especially enjoy rhyming books and when we sing You'll be in My Heart, by Phil Collins. A song I sang in an elementary school talent show and a soundtrack I can't wait to experience with you. You don't seem to care about rolling yet or grabbing rattles. Instead you love to hang out and look out whether you're on your back or tummy. When I show you Foxy you get so excited and promptly place her in your mouth. You are so observant and love your mobiles on your play gyms and batting the items with your hands and feet. We joke that boxing or speed bag work may be in your future. 

You are so vocal and expressive. You and I definitely share these traits. You love having conversations. I ask you a question and wait for you to respond. When you do, I respond back and your eyes get so big and light up so bright. You seem to already be learning that your voice is powerful and people are listening to what you have to contribute. Your adorable little tongue still protrudes quite often, but it seems to be hanging out inside your mouth a bit more these days. You are liking a paci more and more to fall asleep, but you are terrible at holding it in yourself. You smile often, and are almost always kicking those feet and moving your arms about. You are a perfect mingling of chill and active, a dichotomy you share with your papa.  

When I think about the status of the world at this point in time it feels heavy. Yet somehow you being here makes it almost impossible to be bogged down with pessimism. Like Professor Dumbledore said in a book I cannot wait to read with you 'Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.' There is always something we can align to that is a source of light, I hope you always seek to find it. While we are amidst a pandemic, at a political stalemate in this country, and coping with climate disruption there are still positives to find. Throughout history there has been struggle, disruption, and disagreement. It is sometimes easy to think right now is the worst it has been because the history isn't ironed out and written down neatly in a book. Remember to hold perspective, to always do your best, and to seek out the good. Remember that each person, who believes similarly to or dissimilarly to you contributes something of value (even if it isn't easily discernible right away). 

There has truly been so much joy in these past three months with you. Watching you grow has brought so much happiness to our lives. When you were a newborn you hardly opened your eyes. Now they are open and round and seeking to make sense of the ever expanding world around you (and everything in it). You raise your eyebrows like Jack Nicholson and I don't think there is anything that makes your dad or me laugh harder. You are filling out, (slowly) growing your hair, and developing more of who you are meant to be. This morning while I journaled I thought about writing you another poem to include in this entry. When I thought about what kind of poem I wanted to write, quite quickly I realized a haiku is perfect to capture the essence of three-month-old you: little and impactful. 

From the smallest Seed 
you've already grown greatly. 
Grow wild, true, and you. 

With all my love, 
Mama 

When I consider the source of flow, balance, and joy I have felt postpartum, the adage "you can't pour from an empty cup" comes to mind. Genevieve has been with us for three months now and I am still genuinely surprised by the fact that I haven't felt like my cup has runneth dry. I would be remiss to say that I have been free from stressful moments, anxious thoughts, or worry. But what I can say is those thoughts and feelings haven't been a significant portion of my experience. While I will always express the important notion that what works for me will not inherently work for another, I did want to reflect on and share what elements have helped my cup stay filled. I will speak of my experiences beyond Andrew returning to work when Genevieve was seven weeks old, because that was when our "normal" family flow came to be. 

I believe strongly in holding intentionality, but without strict form. A structure with flexibility (hence the very title of this blog: Winging it with Intention). That means at the core of what fills my cup is intentionally considering what I need in the physical, social, and mental compartments of my being. I also keep the value of balance at the forefront of my mind; I try not to let my time and attention be too controlled by any single category. When I am able to get clear on what fills me, I am similarly able to notice what (and who) drains me. This allows me to create boundaries around those activities and relationships. For instance I am focusing on sustainability of exercise and diet and not allowing myself to go balls-to-the-walls focused. Then there are relationships I hold at a distance or avoid all together. Clarity comes from reflection and by continuing to ask ourselves "what do I need?" and then acting on those reflections.

Physical Space 
I am mindful about keeping up with chores around the house. Not because I care about guests or visitors finding a messy home, but because our physical environment is a reflection of our internal status. If my dishes are piled up, the floors are covered in hair, and my laundry is wrinkled and overflowing my laundry baskets, chances are I am feeling anxious, stressed, and out of sorts. Similarly, there is something soothing and charging for me about a hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I would rather wake up an hour before Genevieve does in order to calmly sit and drink my allocated two cups of joe. I often sit on our outdoor couch and listen to the birds chirp (and often neighbor dogs bark) and journal before the Texas heat becomes too intense.

While I try to accomplish chores around the house a little bit throughout the day, I prefer to accomplish one task right out of the gate: vacuuming. I absolutely need to vacuum my house daily (sometimes up to three times a day, a labor of love). Carving out time to get a little done as the day progresses is helpful; starting the day with the most impactful activities is essential.The tone can be set early, and if you are able to identify what sets you up to succeed, your headspace will thank you. 

Food, I would argue is also attached to physical space. Right now I am not tracking macros or subscribing to a plan of any kind. My intention is to listen to my hunger cues and find a good sustainable intake that enables me to continue to tone and shift away from the pregnancy body while maintaining a favorable energy level and mood. Andrew and I do all of our meals at home. We very rarely eat out at all. Therefore a grocery list and plans for meals and snacks that overall FUEL the body with some treats and delicious items peppered in keeps one feeling satisfied while providing good energy. I eat HEB bakery peanut butter cookies every single day. I also eat the same balanced breakfast and lunch every single day. I look forward to the things I am choosing to eat, and keep a regular time to eat (its the first thing I do when G goes down for a nap to make sure I get it in). Overextending and getting TOO hungry leads to overeating and choosing the wrong foods. Staying ahead of hunger not only helps me keep a breastmilk supply, but also keeps my spirits and energy up. 

Social Space 
Humans are social animals. While I may always have the company of my puppies and Genevieve, I know that connecting with friends, neighbors, and family is imperative to not fall into feelings of isolation. I try to converse via phone, FaceTime, or text chat daily with different friends and family. I prioritize this space more during the pandemic when I was staying home and more isolated. While I am sure for many, virtual isn't as good as an in-person connection, it helped me quite a lot. This is probably because I have many neighbors I converse with daily during my walks and therefore am able to feel connected to loved ones and those in my immediate environment. Not to mention in regards to my neighbors there are so many mamas or mamas-to-be and it feels great to connect with others at a similar *point* in our lives.

Andrew and I also try to prioritize time together in the evenings and on weekends while Genevieve rests. While I know some parents already would want babysitters and date nights, that is definitely not us. Watching an episode of Ted Lasso (highly recommend) cuddled up on the couch or getting sunburnt while having a beer and marg on the weekend is enough for us right now. 

Mental  Space 
I am someone with a very active mind and motor. That being said, it is vital for me to exert, challenge, and develop my mental self. This is one reason I wanted to start this blog. It is a space for me to focus, create, and connect with others on a topic that is resonant with this phase of my life. It also makes me more intentional, introspective, and curious about what strategies I implement and the general experience of being a mom. Another way I fill myself up is by continuing to participate in my women's mastermind group. A group of us around the country meet virtually every month with the intention of bonding, growth, and learning. I look forward to these meeting whether I am merely attending or leading a component of the meeting. I also partake in coaching conversations with friends and mentors. These conversations hit differently than just filling my social cup because the conversations are deeply stimulating and the level of connection and focus is different. By aiding others in coping with transitions, struggles, and projects I feel competent and deepen my own skills through connection. 

I also try to fill myself up by monitoring my intake of content. I listen to podcasts that make me laugh or involve interesting interviews and discussion. I love nonfiction audiobooks about self development and parenting strategies and philosophies. I am currently getting more into books on history as well. I feel like I am in the minority of women who simply *can't* with the murder and true crimes content (but to each their own). I also carve out time each morning to journal, usually while I have my coffee. I don't turn on the tv too much because I find that it drains me more than it fills me and I fall into binging whatever it is I am watching. Since I try to keep focus on G when she is awake, I like the flexibility of listening to something while she feeds but its something I can do more passively and turn off when its time to interact and play during her still brief wakeful periods. 

Time: another big one for me. My love language is quality time. This means I also want quality time with myself. When Andrew comes home from work, we seamlessly transition to where he can pick up on the baby care and I can step away to run an errand, take a bath, workout, or any other activity I would like without contending with the needs of a baby. Working out transcends the physical space for me and that is why I place it here instead of in my section of physical needs. Working out allows me to access endorphins, get my blood flowing, and do something challenging. This is a recipe that benefits your mental health. When I haven't really moved for a day or two in a row I can feel how much more anxious my mind is or how much more irritable I am. Going for a run, doing some yoga, doing some weighted supersets, or even just walking give me so much mental fill up. We often think (or tell ourselves) physically exerting takes away our energy, but more often I would argue you'll come away feeling charged and more positive than if you simply took a rest on the couch. 

Boundaries, Balance, and Flexibility 
Creating boundaries with how we spend our time and who we share it with helps keep us full. As a new mom juggling sleep deprivation, the never-ending needs of a little one, and a life with many other components: boundaries are your friend. There is no room for negativity. That being said, being challenged is a good thing for one's character BUT if someone is only adding toxicity or negativity from your interactions: it is not worth it. I had someone tell me prior to my induction "good luck however it goes" and who sent me a text erroneously criticizing me for the colors I chose to outfit Genevieve and her room  in (rolls eyes aggressively) the week she was born. Needless to say, I stopped conversing with this particular individual. No, it is not simply the criticism or silly detail about colors that did it for me. It is simply the energy this person brought to my life were more negative than positive and was not a relationship I valued keeping. I share this example not to tell you to ax anyone who makes you feel bad, but as a reminder that people can only bother us if we allow them to, the way to resolve that is by establishing new boundaries or eliminating that relationship all together. 

I am also focused on balance. Since the needs and whims of baby are pretty all-consuming, the more intentional I can be about balance the better I feel emotionally.  I need to check that I am balancing physical, social, and mental spaces. If I feel out of alignment, I am better able to check in to see where I am spending my time and energy and can course correct as needed. This also helps me plan how I need to use G's nap times or my time in the evenings when Andrew is home. Sometimes its yoga I need, or to spend time with Burlioz, or to get some chores done I didn't get to because G needed more holding during rest periods that day. I can check in on which aspect needs my attention most and get more bang for my buck out of filling my cup at that time. 

Flexibility is forever one of my favorite words (and values). This is because it helps me keep clear headspace more than anything else. It allows me to empathize when Genevieve has a tougher day and I cannot flow with our predictable routine. It also grants me freedom to deviate to something new or change my strategy based on a shift in the day or my mood. When I commit to a FaceTime call or someone coming over I do not get locked into the agreed upon time. Instead I say "what's a good time that we can shoot for and I'll let you know if that time still works based on G's routine for that day." I create a flexible agreement from the start so that I don't feel out of integrity when I need to move the time a bit or cancel all together. As someone who values being on time and keeping agreements, this spoken flexibility from the start keeps me from feeling rushed and frustrated. I try to meet the unique needs Genevieve has, and truly we cannot do that by planning it all out. Leaps, growth spurts, focusing on demand instead of a plan all make concrete plans difficult, so for now we are creating space only for flexibility. The only concrete agreements we hold for now are her doctor's appointments. 

Balance, boundaries, and flexibility are unique to each person. The priorities related to these tools that I outline are by no means the right ones across the board. By getting clear about how they can service you, your dynamic, and your family will enable you to keep a better mental headspace as you navigate each day and the agreements and values you hold. 

By no means do I constantly ask myself if I am aligned to my physical, social, or mental spaces. I do not obsessively check that I am balanced, flexible, or holding boundaries. When I journal in the mornings, I will notice what comes up for me, but I am not consciously focused on what does. Instead I may notice (like I did yesterday) my journaling was focused on 'doing' tasks. When I asked why that might be I was able to hold the thought. It wasn't until later that day when I was unloading the dishwasher that it hit me: I have not been able to get my chores done per my usual cadence because Genevieve is in her third leap and really requiring more holding during her rest periods during the day. So last night when Andrew came home I focused on chores instead of working out, a shower, or nap. My cup needed the most filling from the physical space and I could naturally utilize my time most meaningful from checking in with where I was out of alignment. By holding intentionality with these spaces I can notice when something is a bit off and fill my cup accordingly. I do this seamlessly and without much attention or focus. By having awareness around these different buckets and what I need personally from each one, I can keep myself from an empty cup. 

​I have noticed two distinct reactions to Simone Biles' self ejection from the Olympics. Camp one rolls their eyes at her lack of grit and ability to push through a mental challenge. Camp two celebrates her ability to prioritize her mental health above accomplishment. I have been thinking a lot about her decision and the enduring precedent of this moment. What does it mean for other athletes? Young women? Myself?

I am first immediately taken back to a moment in my own life where I was mentally struggling. I talk about this offline in intimate conversations but don’t really speak of it broadly. I had been running myself ragged: back-to-back bodybuilding competitions, commuting for work, two side hustles, and a job that involved many moving parts, rework, and time. I literally was waking up at 2:30 am to start my day doing cardio and answering emails before the gym (ridiculous, I know). But I told myself “I can do it. I just have to stretch a little more. I can get through it. It will be worth it.”

It wasn’t worth it.

Praise for accomplishments at work or progress towards my prep didn’t fill me up, but rather made me anxious about the next thing I needed to push towards. On the surface it looked like I was handling it all beautifully but I was melting down, depressed, and the stress made me physically ill (I developed a rash on my elbows and knees that immediately departed when I quit my job).

I am grateful for this time for one simple reason: it ripped me from the ‘grind it out, work harder, your worth is measured in output’ mentality. I ran myself so thin I had no choice but to take a hard look at my choices. I always say we learn the most from our best moments and our worst ones. This was a dark time, but one that holds so much value and impact on the choices I make now.

A turning point for me was just before quitting my job at an emergency therapy session. Andrew scheduled it close to work and immediately following my work day so I couldn’t refuse. He was a great support at the time, but loved ones can only do so much. 

At the appointment the therapist had me do an exercise: “You’re going to die in one year, in one minute write down everything you wish to accomplish, go.”

What if I told you I sat there for 45 seconds, unable to write down even a single thing? The therapist looked puzzled. I am not someone who cries often, especially in front of others. But my eyes would not stop leaking for the entire session. My tear-filled eyes found hers and I uttered “I don’t know what I am suppose to write.” The word ‘suppose’ is key. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I only had the thought of “what should someone’s list entail? What accomplishments would sound good?”

We sat in silence, I took a deep breath, and when she reset the clock I tried to consider what was really meaningful to ME. By the very end of the exercise (where time was limited to one day of living) I came to three things on my list: time with Andrew, my dogs, and twin nieces. With this genuine awareness (and awakening) the tears stopped flowing. 

The next day when at a work meeting where two vital people would be absent, and would inevitably result in rework, I was bolstered by the energy from the session the day before,  I simply stated “I can’t do this, any of it. I quit.” I drove home, sun on my face, windows down. By the time I got home the rash that had plagued my skin for weeks was gone, the weight on my chest lifted, and for the first time in a long time I laughed. 

As someone who has always put a great deal of value (if not all of it) on accomplishment and performance this was a tough blow for my ego.  I thought if I didn’t see something through the world (or mine at least) would crumble.

It didn’t.

Not only did my world not fall apart, it got better. I told my coach I quit my job and got a cheat meal and immediately reached out to contact about a job opportunity. While I might have just endured a forest fire, it was quickly extinguished and the land was quickly and visibly fertile. If I wouldn’t have left, Andrew would have never considered accepting a job with his current company that relocated us. We wouldn't be where we are and very likely wouldn't have Genevieve.

The physical, mental and emotional place I am in today would look completely different had I not ejected myself. Some transitions cannot occur with time and care, but rather need to be ripped off life a bandaid. When one is in a mental crisis--like I was or like Simone--the bandaid has got to go, NOW. An accomplishment is worth nothing if it costs you your peace. Grit is not doing something hard at the cost of yourself. Grit is overcoming something challenging that transforms you. I argue that Simone (and myself) were in fact gritty for stepping aside abruptly. Facing criticism and disappointment while  being vulnerable is a fucking hard pill to swallow. I would argue it is actually easier to push the needs of yourself deep down and achieve than it is to ask for what you really need: a fucking break. 

The place I find myself now is not only or authentic, but also more fulfilling. Happiness and joy were never priorities for me. 'Happy' was a word used to describe an accomplishment. I was happy to do something. But happy isn't a descriptive word for something, it is actually a state of being. Being happy has nothing to do with something, it has everything to do with oneself. 

I made a very conscious effort to remove myself from unending (and unhealthy) cycle of multitasking. When we are stretched so thin, we cannot really do anything well. There is this obsession with itemizing everything as a component to one's worth. Hell, even the way people talk about their hobbies has to sound impressive or yield additional income. Fuck. That. 

My challenge to anyone reading my rambling is this: 
Look at ______ in your life. What is your motivation for it? How does it fill you? 

If what you're doing costs you your peace each and every day, if you are constantly looking to the future when it won't feel so heavy, and if the greatest joy that comes from what you're doing is that it was hard and you're glad its behind you: it might be time to check your motivation. I believe wholeheartedly in doing challenging things and pushing past metal blocks. However, if you are doing those things to prove your worth or to chase happiness: you'll always come up empty. The only thing that exists truly is this moment. If you are always living in a space of anxiety and stress in pursuit of your goal, it will catch up to you. I would argue too that you need to dig deep, because at the surface I would have tried to excuse what I was going through or write it off as a beneficial: go below the surface and really reflect. 

Your worth is not in what you do. Your identity is not what you accomplish. If you were going to die tomorrow, would you want people to itemize the shit you did or bought? Or would you want them to speak of who you were and the connection you had? I know my answer. 

Simone did not make her decision lightly. She did not slink away in shame, but stood on the sidelines to root for her teammates. THAT is who she is. She thought her mental condition could cost her teammates any chance of medaling and said "I will step aside, but I will still be right here." When I quit my job, I still volunteered at a fundraising event that occurred later that month. It was not easy to see all those people who saw my struggle, AND I wanted to show up and help. Showing up despite the blow to one's ego: THAT takes grit. 

I share all things not for a pat on the back or for anyone to say "good for you." In fact, I cringe at the thought of some rah-rah comments. My intention in sharing this is to shed light on mental health. Because I doubt many people would think I would have this type of story to share. I think many people were floored to hear Simone Biles had this story to share. And I know so many more people have this story too (or are living it).

Making a hard choice holds value for our character (our being). Sometimes that involves seeing something through 'til the end. Sometimes that is letting go. I am grateful for Simone's public decision and grace. She is brave and from this moment, others may find the courage to be brave too. Before I would look up to and marvel at those who had packed schedules, loads of trophies, and accolades. Now I actually look at them more closely and more often than not I have pity. Pity because I know what it felt like being in that rat race and can feel the anxiety coming off of them and the sense of worth they are trying to find as they use words like 'busy' and 'crazy' to describe how things are going. 

There is so much peace in letting go of the ego's attachment to performance and esteem. There is so much joy in being present. As I turn thirty next week I remind myself that I do not need to be everything I will ever be by the time I am thirty. Right now I am a stay-at-home mom. Right now I get to spend each day appreciating the rapid growth of my daughter. I am not preoccupied with what else I could be adding to my plate. Right now I am not worried about what anyone else thinks I could or should be doing. I have space to breath and space to add more, and will as time goes on and I am able to say yes to things that genuinely fill me.

There are seasons to life, and Simone took extra care in watering her seeds in this season so she has many more to come, and for that I applaud her. 

The title for this post is quite appropriate because while it would have initially represented "sleep in the first two months" it now not only means that but also "the second draft of this blog post." I started writing this when Genevieve hit two months because our sleep routine seemed to really become consistent, then she entered her second developmental leap and for a couple days we were thrown to the wind on regularity. I paused and gave time to figure out what I really wanted to share as it relates to sleep (thus far) and scrapped my first draft. If parenting does anything, it certainly helps you edit and pivot. Instead of merely detailing our sleep progression and choices, I will outline a couple big picture ideas that helped and hold true (for our journey at least). 

Shifts 
At the hospital Genevieve slept soundly in her bassinet while swaddled. I kid you not the second we tried to do this at home she wailed like it was the worst moment of her life (heck, it very well could have been). Andrew and I looked at each other and I literally uttered "uh-oh..." to which Andrew responded wide-eyed "that's not good." We certainly expected disrupted sleep, but we DID make the (erroneous) assumption that we would be able to place her flat to sleep (at least some of the time). Because Andrew and I were navigating the baby-care ship ourselves, we knew getting quality sleep for us was a top priority and so we devised a shift system. I can say that since G came home I have felt rested each day and greatly attribute that to this system. Don't get me wrong, there are a handful of days I needed a nap, but overall felt rested and recharged using this system. 

The shift system was simple: one parent gets uninterrupted sleep in our bed and the other stays up or tries to catch some zzz's in a different room of the house while tending to any of Genevieve's needs during that time. What the parent on deck did during that time was up to them. Andrew and I made different choices based on our preferences. Initially I liked just having coffee on my late shift and binged a show or podcasts while chilling in the nursery recliner while G was in her crib. Andrew liked watching the NBA playoffs and holding G as she slept in the living room or slept in the guest room while G was in her crib in the room across the hall (and used the video monitor). We of course evolved the system as we went based on the needs of Andrew, Genevieve, and myself. 

Initially Andrew took the first shift from 9 pm to 3 am because he liked staying up for the playoff games. While Genevieve is only taking breastmilk, during this time Andrew would feed her a bottle so I could get a solid stretch of rest (or only need to wake up to pump and go right back down). Then at 3 am I would take over and Andrew would sleep until around 10:30 am or so. I loved this because I am a historically early riser and loved having coffee and watching the sunrise. In the first few weeks swaddling G was still a task (she can kick and punch her way out of any swaddle configuration and we are basically swaddle-origami masters at this point). We mostly let her sleep like a "tree frog" on our chest or next to us on her boppy lounger (I know, I know... not advised by "Safe Sleep"). 

We attempted sleep sacks of many styles, different swaddles and blankets, and ultimately settled on her personal favorite: swaddle blankets with velcro. She can still muster her way out of them, but not as easily. Around the same time we switched shifts: I took the 9pm-3am wakeful shift and Andrew took 3 am- 8 am shift (I rarely even slept that long... thanks oversupply). We did this around week 4 of paternity leave because this would be a more realistic shared shift style for when Andrew went back to work. I totally hated being up in the twilight hours and sleeping at the fresh start of the morning, but I settled into it. Initially I drank coffee just to stay awake (dosing in and out seemed worse than just riding out a wakeful shift). I even made meal prep and had a meal around 1 am (ground turkey, peas, and white rice flavored with Mrs. Dash southwest seasoning). Genevieve's need to cluster feed or sleep and eat pattern was too variable to plan or get solid rest so I just rode the wave for a while. But eventually she settled into a groove, and then I eliminated drinking coffee and my meal and slept around the times she did. 

When Andrew went back to work this system worked well for us. He was conditioned to wake around this time to workout anyway. Though at the time he moved his gym days to the weekend and weekday mornings were for baby care. At ten weeks now, Genevieve night routine now is such that I described I don't really need the 3 am shift change because I get enough sleep by ebbing and flowing with her sleep-feed pattern (plus I know Andrew values the uninterrupted sleep more than me). For the past few days we have not transitioned at 3 am and I just hold the entire night shift and it has worked beautifully. However, we hold the agreement that if we have an extra challenging night or if I am really exhausted that I will wake him and he will watch her from 3 am until leaving for work around 6 am. This concept of shifts started as shared responsibility and naturally evolved to fit the pattern that works best for all of us. The next step will be Andrew adding back weekday morning gym sessions and continue with me holding down her nighttime needs. 

Watch Bebe Not the Clock 
When determining and anticipating G's needs I am not overly concerned with the time on the clock. This is especially true for those initial weeks. I did not focus on when she fell asleep each night or nap, nor did I attempt to use an app to chart and find regularity. I took the position that the only thing regular about a newborn's schedule IS irregularity and intentionally chose to ebb and flow with her day-to-day variance. I can happily (and restfully) share that a natural pattern emerged, her day and night rhythms became aligned, and the duration of consolidated rest has continued to lengthen now that we find ourselves ten weeks into it. 

I use my background in child development but also dog training a lot here. Basically in order to establish a behavioral habit, we must first do the hardest thing: capture the initial behavior. Once that behavior is expressed, repeating it is a much easier process. For instance, getting Genevieve to sleep on her back and swaddled in her crib was not easy to capture. I made an effort to calmly attempt this at every rest period. I would then give her a modest amount of time to settle. If she began hard crying I defaulted to letting her sleep on me. We were able to capture this in her pack and play during the daytime initially, then her crib, then at night. And now she prefers sleeping flat in her crib and self soothes very well. This took weeks and patience to accomplish but was well worth the consistent effort. I believe if we would have had more hands helping or visitors early on this would have been hard to do. Namely because everyone wants to hold and interact with the baby and therefore the practice of putting baby to sleep on a flat surface for every rest period is not only occurring less often but also with greater variability in how it is done. 

The topic of infant sleep is a contentious one. The book that I utilize for the basis of Genevieve's sleep pattern is Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Baby by Dr. Weissbluth. I do not do everything by the book, but certainly subscribe to several foundational ideas. While I do wake G to feed (per my pediatrician's recommendation for her age), I am very mindful about how I wake her. If it is during the day I open her curtains and start to make noise in her room. She gradually will open her eyes and usually be quite happy. The biggest take away for me is that temperament is directly related to quality of sleep. Basically I understand that junk sleep is sleep that involves moving (rocking, swing, walking, or a car ride) and quality sleep involves non-moving sleep (on a still parent or in a crib). The movement impedes REM sleep. Also, quality of sleep is impacted by a routine. I will speak more to routine later, but by keeping errands with G to a minimum and her day and evening routines predictable, she sleeps better consistently and therefore is happier while awake. Another component of Weissbluth's I believe in is the need to put baby to sleep before the significant signs appear (drowsy but awake) because their presence actually means the baby is overtired and already should be asleep. I use the clock a bit here, and if she has been up for an hour to ninety minutes, its likely getting close to a rest time and I try to notice those cues. When her blinking and movements start to slow or she seems a tad fussy, thats the best indicator we need to go down, drowsy but awake. Lately we do a 5-10 minute comfort feed and then I swaddle her and walk away. She may chatter, have eyes open, or cry a little but usually within ten minutes (at max) she is down for the count. 

I primarily watch and respond to Genevieve's emergent needs, rather than trying to make her fit into the schedule most desirable to Andrew and I. When I see she is drowsy, though still fairly awake, it is time to begin the smooth process of a rest period. I wholeheartedly believe that this process of watching for baby's needs is easier when there are less cooks in the kitchen. Meaning Andrew and I are the ones balancing her rhythms and consistently responding to them. If we had more help it would likely help in the short term for that moment, but makes establishing a routine and recognizing cues less organic and smooth. 

Routine
At ten weeks I can say Genevieve's consistent schedule is as follows: 
- Wakes between 7 and 8 am to eat every morning and then goes almost right back to sleep for her first nap for two-ish hours. 
- Then for the day she alternates between periods of wakefulness lasting between one and two hours (sometimes she will stay up for two hours solid and then have a longer rest period) 
- She breastfeeds immediately upon waking and enjoys comfort feeding prior to most naps 
- We begin our nightly wind down between 9-9:30 pm
- Genevieve will wake to eat and go immediately back to sleep until she wakes in the morning (she most regularly feeds around 1 am and 4 am) 

Something people often love to say is "just wait until ...." when I say Genevieve sleeps well. I got this when she was a newborn and super calm and I get it now that I can say she is sleeping well. I am not in the habit of holding on to what might suck later, nor am I naive enough to believe this current schedule will be maintained forever. Just last week she had two days that greatly varied from this pattern when she entered her second developmental leap. What I appreciate most about noticing her routine is that I can respect and protect it and use it to anticipate needs. When she needs variance from it, we go with her actual needs in that moment, BUT by understanding her rhythm right now I can better plan when to take a shower, workout, write in my blog or plan when I eat without baby impeding. 

The place where our routine is still the most shaky is probably without surprise the evening when Andrew gets home from work and before bed. Andrew's return time home is variable, when we can do our nightly dog walk based on the Texas heat is variable, when she gets her bath and when we eat dinner and how we spend our time... all completely variable. That means we have totally had days with the fabled but totally real witching hour. I have found that it is easier to keep her happy during the evening when we ride the sleep/eat/ wake pattern used all day long. When we do this, she is just as happy and sweet until bedtime as she was during her morning wakeful periods. 

Dr. Weissbluth harps on how important it is to keep regularity in baby's schedule. While that often doesn't jive with the fast-paced and overflowing schedules of most, he describes how a lack of schedule and regularity of quality rest impacts temperament. Meaning even if you have a easy to moderate temperament baby, if she goes without quality sleep (day and/or night) regularly  then she will become fussy and crabby. Therefore if your baby is fussy and crabby, looking at your sleep habits and patterns could alleviate some of those problematic behaviors. Of course, there is a natural variability in temperament across individuals. I would place G in the easy to moderate temperament category. Kiddos who have a more challenging baseline temperament, gastrointestinal issues, or colic likely would need additional interventions or needs as well. I count my blessings in regards to G's relaxed nature, AND I still make efforts to preserve that condition. So far I feel like we did a great deal of winging it based on Genevieve's daily needs and I am impressed that with time and intentionality we have found a great swing of things thus far. 

Andrew and I relocated to central Texas prior to conceiving Genevieve; as a result, most of our family and friends live far away. This means having important people meet Genevieve is a bit more challenging to facilitate. People cannot just pop in for a one or two hour visit, but rather need to take a plane or several hour road trip with overnight stays. After being new parents for nearly two months, having our first visitors come and depart, and more on the way in coming weeks, I wanted to share some suggestions for guests (and new parents preparing to host them). Meeting a new loved one is an exciting moment, but it is important to remember it is a huge transition for new parents, and being considerate and conscientious of their needs and boundaries is imperative.

If you are a loved one who will be a visitor: you can ask the new parents how they need to be supported and be respectful of their boundaries. 
If you are a soon-to-be or new parent: consider these suggestions and get clear on your preferences. Then communicate your needs and boundaries to your loved ones (since personal preferences are variable).

ONE: ASK (& Don't Assume for All-Of-The-Things) 
By asking questions, you are taking the heat off of the new parents in a big way. You are communicating the notion "I am sure you have preferences, let me know how I can accommodate them." While meeting a new baby may also be a big moment in your life too, the new parents likely have quite a few loved ones who feel that way. This means that juggling the new and very irregular schedule and needs of a newborn combined with scheduling visitors can feel overwhelming. Asking questions can help both the guest and the new parents become clear on how to make the most out of the first visit. 

Some questions that can be helpful to ask new parents are: How long would you like us to stay? Would it be better for us to stay in a hotel or with you? What is the best method of transportation to get to you from the airport? Is there anything we need to do ahead of time to prepare for the visit? Is there anything in particular we should bring with us on the visit? What can we expect the day-to-day of the visit to look like? How can we support you? Would you like us to help care for the baby, if so how? Cook a meal? Clean? All-in-all there are so many ways to support new parents, and the level of support desired will vary depending on the parents. 

TWO: MAKE IT EASY (No Expectations) 
This one can be hard. This baby is likely not the first you have met (and maybe you have children of your own). This means you will naturally want to rely on prior knowledge or your  own preferences to determine how to be supportive or interact with the baby. But it is really important to remember that things change over time AND personal preferences vary across people. If you read this post and only take away ONE thing I hope it it this: DO NOT compare what you did or what another parent is choosing to do with the boundary of the parent you are visiting. Be considerate that the parent is making the choice that is most comfortable for them and what they perceive as safest for their baby. 

When I was growing up it seemed like an abundance of visitors in the hospital with any and everyone holding the baby was the norm. Beyond even our very strange Covid times, this is still not as commonplace as it once was. Even if the parents do desire visitors, hand washing, sanitizer, and other precautions are taken that previously were not. Another very important safety consideration that has changed over time is the caution against allowing others to kiss the baby. RSV is a highly communicable and dangerous to tiny bodies with new immune systems. Again, here every parent will establish boundaries aligned with their comfort levels. Some may determine that hospital guests are wanted, no masks are needed, and kiss away. I personally did not want visitors in the hospital (Covid made that easy). I also require anyone holding or in close proximity to Genevieve to wear a mask and wash thoroughly. And absolutely no one will kiss or put their face near my baby. 

Also, do not assume that all parents want or need the same level of support. For instance, Andrew and I prefer guests to be exactly that: guests. We handle all the baby care needs: diapers, feedings, changing clothes, etc. We want our guests to hold Genevieve or "coach" her on mat/tummy time. If she cries in the night, it is Andrew or myself who ought to respond and if my baby is crying while being held by another... give her back. Similarly I don't want them cooking, cleaning, or tending to the dogs. Andrew and I made sure we were in a good groove prior to visitors, and while well intentioned, it is simply easier for us to do it ourselves.

While these are my boundaries, other parents may absolutely love handing off some baby care temporarily to a visiting loved one, and that is okay too! Again, it comes down to individual preferences. So be sure to ASK what the preferences might be, don't compare what someone else (or you) wanted, and try not to have hurt feelings if the way they need to be supported isn't the way you want to support. 

THREE: ACCEPT (Without Push Back, Criticism, or Bargaining) 
Whenever I talk to people about boundary setting, it is rare that someone responds with "setting boundaries is easy." In fact, this is something I think just about everyone (if not everyone) struggles with. This is often because setting a boundary can lead to opposition or bargaining for the other party to get what they want at the expense of the person setting the boundary (insert guilt trips, eye rolling, dismissiveness, or passive aggression here). If you want to support new parents, then accept their boundaries and requests. Don't push back with your own preferences at the forefront, don't criticize or compare with what others are doing, and DO NOT try to get them to put a gate in a stone-wall boundary. Hurt feelings and passive aggressive responses are palpable. While some people feel guilt embarrassment to these responses, mine is to become angry and resentful. All of these responses are emotionally distressing, and new parents have enough on their plate. So even if you really disagree with the need to wear a mask, get a TDAP booster or flu shot, or really want to kiss that baby: don't beg, bargain, or criticize. I know from experience, making those decisions doesn't come lightly. 

FOUR: SAFETY FIRST (Newborns = New Immune System) 
I have touched on the safety concerns a bit in previous sections but it is so important I wanted to outline it again. Andrew has said several times how he is glad we had Genevieve in post-Covid times because masks are normalized. This not only protects G from Covid, but also RSV. Babies have emergent immune systems, so what may be a mild cold or cough for an adult or child can result in a hospital stay for a newborn. For this reason more than any, I ask anyone at this time to wear a mask while holding G. When we have guests we only require them to wear masks in the house if they are very close to (monitoring for tummy time) or holding Genevieve. We will do photos outside with Andrew or I holding G and the family around us for a mask-free photo, but otherwise it is masks on for now. Also, while I had heard of the importance of the flu shot for those wanting to visit baby, I had not heard of the need for a TDAP booster. My pediatrician was insistent that anyone visiting needed to get a TDAP booster to protect G from whooping cough. Basically if you've had one within 5 years, you're good; but if not, then schedule an immunization prior to your visit. Remember the mild inconvenience of a shot or mask results in protecting that sweet little one you can't wait to meet. 

With every safety boundary I have established, I have done so with the confidence of G's pediatrician. Doctor's suggestions vary. What mine may suggest may differ from your own or another baby you've recently been around. AND you don't need to tell a new parent about that. My pediatrician expressed taking significant caution: mask up, get immunizations, and limit contact. Therefore that is what Andrew and I have done and will continue to do. We had planned a trip back to Saint Louis for the fall, but nixed it because our pediatrician felt the time of year (flu and RSV season) prior to G being six months old was not an ideal situation. Andrew and I also choose never to travel to Saint Louis during the holidays or winter months, so that pushes our trip to next spring. A choice met with some disappointment, but rooted in reasoning too. 

FIVE: ENJOY (Bonding Together) 
Boundaries are not about rules or restrictions. Boundaries are helpful in maximizing the quality of the relationship and time spent together. During your visit simply enjoy each others company, including the new bundle. Bond and interact within the established boundaries. Talk about the baby but also don't talk about the baby! New parents are still fully-formed people and want to hear about you and talk about things beyond baby. Keep in mind too mom and dad may not want to share every detail (especially medical details) with you. So keep those questions general and broad unless they seem to want to share more. 

Remember too that new parents are figuring out and jugging a lot (on significantly disrupted sleep). So DO NOT add unnecessary burdens onto them. This means sort out your own travel details, do not try to stretch a trip beyond the length of time they ask you to keep (I know probably shorter than desired), and just keep the attitude that you are supporting these new parents how THEY need, not how you WANT to support them. 

I wrote and deleted several drafts of this post. When I wanted to consider how to reflect on one month with our sweet Baby G many different ideas came to mind. Do I detail things that happened? Do I outline Genevieve's temperament and strategies we used? Then I decided to ask myself a question: what learning was the most meaningful? I then knew what the focus of this piece ought to be: the top three lessons learned in our first month with Genevieve. 

One: Partnership is Imperative 
Even though we have added the needs of a newborn, Andrew and I have felt well-rested, kept up with the house, continued to cook quality meals at home, and have kept stress levels low. I know having Andrew home for six weeks has been instrumental in keeping our physical, mental, and emotional space clear. Beyond Andrew just being home, he fully embraced being hands-on and helpful with all of Genevieve's needs. Whether it was figuring out how to file her teeny tiny nails, patiently wiping away all the meconium, or assisting me before and after feeding sessions, Andrew was not just there, he was attentive. 

The most beneficial decision we made about Genevieve's care was to focus on parent shift sleeping. While many people ask us how Genevieve is sleeping at night, we understand at this age expecting a patterned routine is simply unrealistic. Instead of us both getting disrupted sleep from her waking and feeding in the middle of the night, in our bedroom, we decided to do something different.

Initially, Andrew would take the first shift awake from 9 pm to 3 am. Before I began pumping to have bottles, Andrew would wake me briefly when I needed to feed G. However, after we began using expressed milk in bottles, he doesn't need to wake me. Then I would be awake and responsible for Genevieve from 3 am to 10 am. Andrew liked this because he could watch NBA playoffs and I preferred my shift because I enjoyed watching the sun come up and prefer the early morning. Now that we are getting closer to Andrew's return to work, we have switched shifts in order to get used to what our routine will be when he goes back to work. Once he's back to work, Andrew will wake and watch Genevieve from 3 am to 6 am so I can have a better stretch of sleep. 

During our shifts, one person sleeps in the master and the other keeps Genevieve in her nursery or in the living room. We are continuing to work with her on sleeping in her crib and swaddled and she's making great progress self-soothing and falling asleep drowsy yet awake. Some nights the parent on shift can squeeze in some extra zzz's and sometimes that person is up and attentive with more fussing and a need to hold. What's nice is this isn't us both trying to sleep and then picking the short straw for who needs to try to soothe her, but is already a set system. We then update each other on how our shift went and any notable details. Communication helps us stay aligned and also helps us anticipate the other's needs. For instance if one parent had a tougher shift, the other would try to ensure that parent got a nap later that day, etc. 

I cannot imagine what my mental and emotional headspace would be without having Andrew home for six weeks. Nor can I imagine having a partner who defers all baby responsibilities to me, the mother, and acts as a babysitter himself (more common than it should be). I've felt well-rested and happy postpartum and I know that's greatly thanks to a great co-parenting dynamic. Each co-parenting dynamic will look different, but I definitely recommend connecting to iron out each other's individual needs to make things work as optimally as possible in the transition to parenthood. For instance, Andrew would drive me and Genevieve to target and sit with G in the car while I could shop alone to give me time away but also be close by (what I need right now). Then I ensure that I check in with Andrew on good days for him to go to the gym. We look out not only for Genevieve's needs but each others too. 

Two: Less is More 
While Genevieve has a generally relaxed temperament, postpartum life is still an all-consuming transition. Andrew and I kept a tight lid on visitors early on, kept a very light and flexible schedule (beyond the myriad appointments for all three of us). By making fewer commitments I believe our transition to parenthood has been smooth and allowed us to minimize stress. By keeping days free and open we were better able to get into good grooves, rest, and make sure the everyone's basic needs were met. We weren't racing around with a newborn, over extending ourselves by socializing and hosting guests, and could naturally flow with the needs of that day (cluster feeding takes up a lot of time, y'all).

I believe if we would have had a busier schedule and more visitors, I would be more stressed and taxed. While I was pregnant I was often told I'd regret or wish I had more helping hands around during our transition. While this may absolutely be the case for some, I wholeheartedly disagree. I LOVED having just Andrew and I home to navigate our new dynamic together. And even with the best intentions, anyone else would have gotten in the way and been more of a burden than a blessing (sorry not sorry). What's important is knowing yourself and your preferences and figuring out what fills your cup and what drains it. Also: set boundaries and do NOT go against what YOU need in this important life transition because *someone* is using guilt or emotional appeals for their own desires. I talk to many mamas who say "I really wish I would've held off on guests for longer..." I have yet to hear anyone who DID hold off say "man, I really wish we had more company..." An additional benefit of a lighter visitor load is safety of not exposing the newborn to illnesses that their new and developing immune system would have a hard time battling. A fever in a baby younger than 3 months results in a hospital stay and spinal tap: count me out. 

I also believe by  having less on our schedule and being less extended Genevieve's temperament and disposition have been more favorable.  With the exception of a couple evenings or days that she was extra fussy (natural and no doubt attached to a growth spurt or irregular schedule with doctor appointments), Genevieve is very easy to assuage. Because we are home, we can easily facilitate her nap or her meal time. We aren't rushing to finish her feed (which often lasts 30-45 minutes) nor are we waking her from a deep sleep to take her out and about. We plan our activities of the day around meal and rest times. We also realize that there is a difference between quality sleep and junk sleep.  Junk sleep is any sleep involving motion (including walks, swing time, car rides, etc.) and quality sleep is in a crib or fixed, non-moving position. We focus on maximizing her quality sleep and if that interferes with something we would have liked  to do or accomplish that day, revise our plan or push it to another day. Early weeks with a newborn is not the time to measure productivity. So keeping the mindset of less is more as it relates to your productivity is important to keeping a positive headspace, too. 

Three: Non-Attachment Creates Peace & Presence 
I have found to be true that attachment, ego, and strict adherence to anything lead to anxiety and negativity. Prior to giving birth, it can feel comforting to have a plan for how you'll tackle all things baby. Personally, I tried to focus on absorbing information while leaving space to determine strategy based on Genevieve's actual (not perceived) needs. There are a multitude of ways to do just about everything, and often the arguments are polarizing and positions staunch. Truly what's most often best is actually somewhere in the middle and not an extreme. 

We have been intentionally fluid and non-attached to all of our processes and it has allowed us to better respond to Genevieve's needs and to reduce the tension of one parent having the right way. Instead of leading with strategy, we allow what actually is in that moment to be and then respond using a strategy that makes sense. Then if it doesn't work we try, try again. 

For instance, Genevieve has some serious leg and arm strength. She can punch her way out of any swaddle in seconds. We have googled countless different ways to swaddle and it took us many attempts to find one that actually works for her (at least 80% of the time). And even now, we still experimenting with other methods. Just last night I tried a specially designed swaddle blanket that didn't work earlier that worked great last night. It is a lot of trial and error and it doesn't help to count how many failures it took to get it right. 

More importantly still, attempt to fight the urge to attach to the *what could be wrong or worst-case-scenario stuff.* There is literally always something you could be worrying about (even in the absence of a catalyst is the fear that it cannot stay perfect forever and something will go wrong). Just like everyone, we had our share of a couple red flags or things to monitor. While of course there ought to be space to feel those emotions, don't fuel the fire by fixating and worrying about the worst. 

When we are preoccupied with what could be wrong or might go wrong or how something could negatively develop we are incapable of being present. When we aren't present we are not seeing what actually is. Fear lives in the future and unknown; but we can only respond to what's imminently before us and should keep our focus there. When we aren't present that is when time seems to escape us and feel sorrow that we are missing out. 

I am not someone who is constantly presently focused. On the contrary, I simply hold the intention of being present at the forefront of my mind and course correct when I catch myself not being present. I do check ins during the day: a quick pause to see how I am feeling and where my focus is. Catching myself googling rare disorders for instance is NOT being present minded. I would redirect my attention to my immediate environment and always feel greater ease and joy. 

One thing I try to do, and it is especially easy to do with a sleepy  newborn, is turn off technology when G is awake. When her eyes are open I pause the show, set my phone aside, and choose to interact with her. Whether I am reading her a book, talking to her and touching her face, or doing time on the mat I want to be intentional about spending quality time with her when she is alert. This helps me appreciate the growth and changes she is making and not long for the time one or two weeks ago. It allows me not to feel sadness about the changes. I was present and carry those memories with me and feel a greater sense of happiness for the current stage she is in. 

Our first month with Genevieve has been wonderful. Each day with G has brought more happiness and joy into our home. I laugh when I recall Andrew getting poop on his face by scrunching down too close when changing a diaper. I feel utter elation when I smell and kiss her soft head that feels like a fussy peach. Or even guilt when G cried out in discomfort from a rogue saline drop entering her eye. A wealth and depth of emotions were experienced in month one, and I know that will only continue from here on out. 

With Andrew returning to work in a couple weeks, we will continue to rely and adjust our partnership for our family to thrive. We will focus on not attaching to a plan or to potential stressors and we will hold space for space and remember when there is less we can appreciate each moment more. And above all, continue to love and soak in all the wonderful moments with Genevieve. 

While I wholeheartedly believe "fed is best," I knew personally I wanted to exclusively breast feed. Honestly, I didn't even want to pump. While I ordered a pump through my insurance to have on-hand, I expected to use it a few months in and only on a need-to-have basis. However, reality often doesn't go as planned. My first few weeks breastfeeding have been quite interesting, and I want to share not only my experience thus far, but also some items and knowledge that have aided me. 

My Experience
When I was in the hospital, my colostrum came in thick and quick. Genevieve's larger tongue made an initial latch a bit clumsy, so a nurse offered me a breast shield and we got an instant latch. When I saw the lactation consultant the following day she was impressed by my supply and techniques I was using to feed. She thought I was a nurse based on my knowledge and approach, but I expressed that I was simply attempting to be relaxed and flexible and had done some research about methods and practices during pregnancy. I scheduled a lactation appointment the following week to check in and focus on latching without a nipple shield. 

The nipple shield not only protected my nipples from chapping, but also made the pain of breast feeding go away almost entirely. I might feel a bit uncomfortable the first minute or two, but overall I was surprised by how easy it was to feed Genevieve. Early on after feeds, I would apply an organic nipple butter to prevent irritation. 

By day three my colostrum changed to milk. I was incredibly engorged with both breasts having excessive amounts of lumps (giving new meaning for me when Fergie sings "my lovely lady lumps..."). Literally it felt like I had swollen glands throughout both breasts. If I massaged or tried to rub them out, I was mostly ineffective. I was uncomfortable but not in pain. I assumed that this was normal and just a strong initial reaction to milk coming in. I assumed as the supply of milk settled from feedings, all would resolve itself; I was wrong. 

On Genevieve's one-week birthday, I had my appointment with the lactation consultant. We worked on latching without the shield. Due to my fast let down, abundant milk supply, and Genevieve's larger tongue: she was a lazy drinker. This meant she could get an abundance of milk without doing much work and therefore less stimulation to my breasts. This meant I wasn't being emptied appropriately. The lactation nurse recommended that I purchase a haakaa (a what?) and that I pump to empty the breast after each feed. 

Initially, I chose to ignore both of these pieces of advice. I ignored the haakaa advice because it was a silicon suction cup to catch the let down from the opposing breast (used for feeding or pumping). I assumed this would catch a small dribble and was simply unnecessary. I ignored the pumping advice because I read that pumping early on would result in an oversupply of milk--something I already had and didn't want to intensify. Two days later, I had a 103 degree fever, convulsive chills, and a red mark on my left breast: hello mastitis. 

At this point I went into mastitis management mode. The symptoms came on in the evening, and so we scrapped our plans to have neighbors visit and cook dinner. We ordered door dash, quickly sanitized and prepped the spectra breast pump, opened the glass baby bottles and bottle warmer we thought we wouldn't need for a couple of months, and I started taking Tylenol to combat the flu-like symptoms. I added lactation storage bags and a haakaa to my amazon cart.  I messaged my doctor about everything I was doing that night but expressed the likelihood that I would need antibiotics. Even with Tylenol my fever stayed above 100 degrees and peaked at 104. Fortunately we got the antibiotics the next day and I began (reluctantly) taking ibuprofen as well (RIP stomach, hello yogurt). 

Within 48 hours of antibiotics my fever stayed below 100 degrees without Tylenol. The ibuprofen helped with the swelling and clogs. The worst part about the antibiotics was that I had to fast two hours prior to taking the medicine and one hour after; I had to take the medicine every six hours. It was a constant challenge to not be too full or too hungry during this window. Thankfully the yogurt helped my stomach with the ibuprofen. But as someone who avoids medicine and likes to ride it out with sicknesses, I was so over the medication schedule. 

During all of this, I had to pump every two hours and continue to feed Genevieve. I was feeling pretty exhausted and fortunately Andrew could help by giving Genevieve a bottle. Initially she did not want the bottle when Andrew offered it; earlier that day she took a bottle from me no problem. I used a body hold and held the bottle similar to the way we had been breastfeeding. When I showed Andrew the method, G took the bottle with ease. I was slightly stressed the next day when I tried to breast feed and she was fussing and pulled away--she had been a good feeder and never given me any trouble previously. I worked through it and got a latch and while that one feeding was more challenging, I have since had no problem going back and forth from breastfeeding to bottle. 

My pumping process was  obnoxious. I could not simply sit and let the pump do its thing. No, I had to bend over parallel to the ground, massage and milk myself and even then more clogs would form (in both breasts) and I never felt like I could completely empty myself. I was only getting about 1-3 ounces from both breasts combined at the time and was feeling quite frustrated. I knew mastitis could temporarily reduce one's supply but wanted to make sure Genevieve was getting enough. Fortunately at her 2-week appointment she surpassed her birth weight of 7 lbs 1.8 oz and was a whopping 7 lbs 6 oz. 

After a couple days my supply resurged and I would get upwards of 16 oz of expressed milk from pumping and the haakaa at one time (the haakaa is now is my best friend because it is convenient and I get SO MUCH MILK. Not to mention I am no longer excessively leaking into my bras and shirts. I did not understand that when you stimulate one breast with baby or pump the other releases milk as well. For me this wasn't a simple dribble but consistently 4-5 oz. I use the haakaa at every feeding.

Recommendations
I finished my antibiotics and am now taking certain precautions and using specific tools to avoid reoccurring mastitis (fun note: a couple days ago it felt like I was developing mastitis again already in my other breast...). I will itemize these items below with links for reference:

Sunflower Lecithin (supplement): I have heard from several mamas I know and through many social media groups that this supplement is a must for preventing clogs and mastitis. I asked my doctor if I could add this to my routine and he agreed so long as I found a reputable brand since supplements aren't FDA regulated. Since taking this my clogs are easily massaged out and my milk flows more easily and freely when I am pumping. I feel like I am now able to actually express my breasts adequately and they feel SO much better. I take them with dinner because milk supply is most abundant in the morning plus I would feel most engorged during sleep and the early morning so I figured this time of day would be optimal, so far so good. 
https://www.amazon.com/Carlyle-Sunflower-Lecithin-1200mg-Softgels/dp/B07G7HSQK9/ref=sr_1_5?crid=3KJ8AEX87OKEH&dchild=1&keywords=sunflower+lecithin+capsules&qid=1623418911&sprefix=sunflower+lec%2Caps%2C198&sr=8-5

Haakaa: So good I bought two. These are super cheap and incredibly effective. I bought two because I use one during breast feeding and pumping to catch the other breast's let down. I purchased a second because I read that epsom salt and hot water in the haakaa can help soothe nipples and help work the clogs out. I have used my haakaa for this twice and will be doing so much more frequently. It offers so much relief and does help with the clogs. The reason I got two was because I want to make sure the epsom salt isn't in the milk I catch in the haakaa. If you are breastfeeding, you NEED a haakaa even if you don't have the issues I have dealt with. 
https://www.amazon.com/Haakaa-Breast-Manual-Silicone-Breastfeeding/dp/B07CWK4S5W/ref=sxts_sxwds-bia-wc-rsf-lq2a1_0?cv_ct_cx=haakaa&dchild=1&keywords=haakaa&pd_rd_i=B07CWK4S5W&pd_rd_r=cab0be7f-069d-45c0-8392-0f1f592debd7&pd_rd_w=JvEae&pd_rd_wg=pO6yn&pf_rd_p=6b8835ed-96d6-4089-a8ed-3370ca81c53d&pf_rd_r=QQFB3M8MB16333CGATH1&psc=1&qid=1623419260&sr=1-1-18e0f783-7b71-42f0-a291-5a15b3cb969e

Epsom Salt + Coconut Oil: Beyond smelling absolutely amazing, the coconut oil really does help soothe the nipples and the epsom salt in the haakaa helps to reduce inflammation that causes the clogged ducts. 
https://www.amazon.com/Dr-Teals-Coconut-Soaking-Solution/dp/B06XYGL2Z8/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=epsom+salt+coconut+oil&qid=1623419358&sr=8-5

Silver Nursing Cups: Expensive but 100% worth it! While I initially started with a nipple butter post feeds and a reusable pad, I was leaking through my shirts a lot and the pads would get soaked and that would irritate my nipples. These cups naturally function as an antimicrobial and can treat pained nipples but also PREVENT issues. I use these cups, with a couple drops of breast milk and then cover with a reusable pad and have zero issues and the pad, bra, and shirt stay dry. Plus I no longer need to use a cream or butter to soothe the nipples. I basically wear them all the time but once a day I rinse in warm water and leave to dry. 
https://www.amazon.com/Silverette-Original-Silver-Nursing-Cups/dp/B00D4MWKNQ/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=3N52DB6M23C7E&dchild=1&keywords=silver+cups+breastfeeding&qid=1623066066&sprefix=silver+cups+%2Caps%2C277&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFOVUdaWDlHVlVUU1QmZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTA5MjI3NTZISVZOSlBCVFhYOEgmZW5jcnlwdGVkQWRJZD1BMDcyOTQ5NzMwM0VLSElWQzE1STEmd2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGYmYWN0aW9uPWNsaWNrUmVkaXJlY3QmZG9Ob3RMb2dDbGljaz10cnVl

Reusable Nipple Pad Covers: See the link for the ones I like most. I tried a different kind of reusable pad that had a soft fabric and it irritated my nipples. These have a better cupping shape so they don't rub the nipples as much and absorb leaks better. 
https://www.target.com/p/lansinoh-washable-nursing-pads-4ct/-/A-75568309#lnk=sametab

One of the book titles I read in pregnancy about breastfeeding definitely resonates with my experience with breastfeeding thus far: Breastfeeding is a Bitch But, We lovingly Do It Anyway by Cassi Clark. While there are definite pains and frustrations that are inevitable with breastfeeding, it definitely feels worthwhile. I really enjoy the quality bonding time with Genevieve during feedings. She tends to feed for 20-40 minutes and with bottles is sometimes fussy after feeds, but from the work and exertion of breastfeeding she's much sleepier, relaxed, and "milk drunk." Midway through the third trimester I developed carpal tunnel and trigger finger. Unfortunately they haven't subsided yet, and therefore expressing is more uncomfortable in the moment and bothers my hands more (fortunately soaking in epsom salt seems to help). 

Overall, I have had some hiccups and challenges with breastfeeding. Honestly, I think everyone does. I can say that breastfeeding hurts less than I thought it would. Though I think the breast shield (that I am still using) helps. I might be in mild pain for the first two minutes but then the pain subsides. It feels like a worthwhile endeavor and one I plan to "lovingly do anyway" at least until the time feels right to wean (which I believe for me will be sometime after 6 months and no longer than 12 months). 

Throughout pregnancy we often were asked (and reflected on) how we thought Heidi and Burlioz would respond to Genevieve. I expressed Burlioz would be underfoot and Heidi would watch from a slight distance. I can say after nearly three weeks together that my assumptions were accurate. While early on the dogs would retreat to a far room or the backyard to escape Genevieve's cries, they now rarely lift their head. The dogs love sniffing Genevieve, especially her diaper, fingers, and toes and love giving her a lick on the back of her head. Transitions can be cumbersome, though thus far Genevieve, Heidi, and Burlioz all seem to have easily acclimated to one another. 

Early Establishment 
We set up the nursery and had baby items out and in the house well before Genevieve's arrival. I would read and relax in the nursery's recliner regularly. I believe these changes in setting prior to baby's arrival helped the dogs adjust to changes more easily. If we would have changed the environment abruptly as we brought home a new (and occasionally loud) little person the dogs would have likely felt more uncertain and unsettled.

When I was still in the hospital, Andrew brought home receiving blankets from Genevieve's birth for the dogs to smell. We did this in order for the dogs to understand her smell and to familiarize themselves with it prior to bringing home baby. Andrew placed the blankets in the swing and the dogs smelled them, but were much more interested in Andrew's attention. 

First Meeting
When it was time for Genevieve and I to return home the following day, we chose to be intentional about how we entered the house. Since we got Burlioz at the start of the Covid lockdown, he had never been away from me. Heidi has only been separated from us a couple times as well, and we knew they'd be very excited when we returned home. I entered the house first, alone. I asked Andrew to give me a solid two minutes before bringing Genevieve into the house. The dogs went crazy, circling and smelling me. I walked to the couch and Burlioz jumped next to me, wrapped his head around my opposite shoulder and rested his head heavily on it as if to give me a big hug. When Andrew entered the house he calmly put the carseat on the island counter and greeted the dogs as well. Next Andrew grabbed the carseat with G nestled inside and carried her to the nursery. He placed the carseat in the crib. The dogs then could smell and hear Genevieve but with ample space and a natural barrier between them. They were curious, but still very interested in Andrew and my presence. 

Next we took Genevieve out of the carseat and I held her in the recliner. Andrew continued to interact with the dogs and they head tilted to her sounds. At one point Burlioz barked at her noises and we corrected him verbally. He understood and refrained from doing that again. Early on Heidi seemed sensitive to the crying. She'd nervous yawn and retreat, asking to lay on the back patio or climbing onto our bed to relax away from G. Though if G was crying and we weren't tending to her needs Heidi would find us and cry as if to tell us we needed to soothe the baby. Burlioz was more relaxed and chose to lay just outside the nursery or in his favorite spot: resting his head on the window ledge in the nursery. 

Building a Bond
Over the next couple of days we'd hold Genevieve to the dogs to smell, or let them interact with her on a boppy lounger. We were mindful that they didn't lick her face, fingers, or toes but did allow them to lick the back of her head. They remained curious about her movements, sounds, and our new routines. As each day passed they seemed more calm and relaxed. They wanted to interact with G more and more and never showed signs of jealousy or frustration. We were still careful about letting them get too close for too long to allow brief and fully positive interactions. 

A huge factor in the dogs' positive reaction I believe in the fact that we prioritized their needs too. While I nursed, Andrew would lay with the dogs on the nursery floor and pet them. Andrew kept with their two walks a day and continued to take them on car rides, which they love. I made sure that I was loving on them and petting them as well. They still had couch and bed privileges, too. I wasn't able to go on walks with the dogs yet, and Burlioz would come running to me when Andrew would get the leashes out as if to say "come on mama!" We joke that Heidi is Andrew's partner and Burlioz is mine: both dogs throw a mild fit when they don't get to walk with "their" person. But Burlioz would still go and enjoy the exercise. 

We were also intentional with how we corrected and responded to the dogs around the baby. We never yelled or pushed them away. We never blocked them from rooms or shut them out of spaces. Instead we would use "eh-eh" and keep a mild tone and use how hands to naturally block Genevieve's face if they were too close. The dogs calmly readjusted using these mild cues and would give slightly more space or settle calmly nearby. We wanted the dogs to be able to understand giving G space was necessary, but not that they were bad or wrong for being curious or interacting with her. We wanted Genevieve to be associated with good stuff, not with negative reactions or experiences. We cannot expect dogs to know exactly how to respond to a significant disruption in their environment and routine and need to be patient, loving, and guide them. Early on Heidi was a bit more overstimulated and fixation with greetings, so I would have to use my body to block her and elevate my voice more to break into her fixation. She never expressed aggressive or negative behavior, but I also wanted to ensure she wasn't overly stimulated or fixated on the baby. After the first couple days this wasn't a problem at all and Heidi would more calmly check in and then give space. 

The dogs love looking for Genevieve in the house. They will commonly smell her, where ever she is, and then still go to other "baby places" like the crib, swing, and pack-and-play almost to see if another tiny person is around too. They love her company on walks and regularly stop to check that she's still in the stroller. The first time we attempted to walk as a family I was only going up our street and turning back; Andrew then planned to complete the rest of the half-mile walk with the dogs alone. However, when I turned back the dogs became unsettled and after a brief attempt by Andrew to continue forward, he gave in and turned back. The dogs pulled him the entire way home where they then quickly inspected Genevieve. They already saw her as part of our family unit and didn't want to be away from her. 

Some of my favorite moments are of Genevieve, Heidi, and Burlioz interacting. I knew watching them bond would melt my heart. I am not someone who could put the dogs on the back burner now that we have a baby. I still prioritize snuggling my giant furry babies and love seeing how they take to G. I know watching Genevieve grow, play, and bond with the dogs will bring much joy. Similarly, I look forward to seeing how G's presence enriches the dogs' lives. We may have to vacuum and lint roll regularly, but that is a small price to pay for big love. 

Genevieve entered the world on Monday, May 17th at 6:45 at 38 weeks and 4 days via a planned induction. Overall, my induction experience was positive. I had some apprehension about beginning labor before my body and baby were "naturally ready." However, based on my consistently elevated blood pressure, my doctor assured me that inducing between weeks 37-38 would be safer for me and baby as well as minimize the likelihood for a c-section. Looking back now, I am actually very happy that I was induced. For my personality, knowing when I was going in and when the process would begin was very calming for me. I want to share all the details related to my induction (probably TMI but the TMI stuff was most helpful to me when I talked to women prior to labor and delivery).  It was really hard to find podcasts or birth stories about induction as those things aren't as celebrated or on-trend like natural birth methods. Therefore I am going to share all the details in hopes that it may help someone else in a similar situation.

My induction process began Sunday night. We arrived at the hospital at 10 pm and the cervical ripening process started around midnight. Genevieve's head was down and she was situated really low. This made placing the balloon to ripen my cervix difficult because the doctor had to work around her head: lots of pressure and it took a while. Then I was given a medicine vaginally called cytotec to aid in the process. Initially I had planned to send Andrew home that night once I got situated to keep things as normal as possible for the dogs. However, when I started experiencing the contractions for this process I changed my mind and had him stay.

At my 36-week check up I was tested (like all pregnant women) for GBS. This is an innocuous bacteria that is found in one in four pregnant women. While this bacteria is harmless to adults, it can be dangerous to a baby born vaginally. I tested positive for this. All this meant was that I received an IV with antibiotics throughout my labor; this basically eliminates the risk of the baby being negatively impacted. Since I was being induced, this was easy to facilitate but if a woman is GBS positive and goes into labor its imperative she goes to the hospital early in the laboring process in order for them to get the antibiotics in her system. So early on I found myself in a decent amount of pain from the cytotec contractions and my arm hooked up to an IV. I chose to have Andrew stay because he could help me to the bathroom and be there as a support. Luckily we had amazing neighbors volunteer to help with Heidi and Burlioz. Due to the pain, I opted for pain medicine during the cervical ripening process. I did two rounds and BOY am I glad I did. I immediately could relax and get some rest. After I reached 5 cm dilated, the balloon basically just slipped out and fortunately those uncomfortable contractions ended. 

I joked with Andrew that the pain of those early contractions made my consecutive contractions with pitocin, the medicine used to create artificial contractions, seem like nothing. I was warned how pitocin made more more painful contractions and was a bit nervous about them. But for whatever reason, they weren't bothersome to me. In fact, if it wasn't for the monitor I was attached to telling me I was having contractions, I wouldn't even have felt them. And at this point the pain medicine I previously had was out of my system. Occasionally I'd feel a mild cramping in my ovaries and need to take deep breaths as a contraction passed, but I was not feeling any pain. I knew I wanted an epidural, and frequently was asked when I wanted it. Since I wasn't in pain, I opted to wait. When they were going to break my water I decided I wanted the epidural prior to my water breaking. This is because contractions can become intense quickly and progress can happen rapidly. I wanted to ensure I could be still for the epidural and therefore thought for me that would be the best time for it. 

If I had one thing to say about my epidural it would be this: hallelujah. I would get one again in a heartbeat. Placing the epidural took a bit of time because I could not easily get my back into the slouchy bad posture they required (the joys of a strong back and good deadlift form...). And funny enough, a neighbor was the one who administered my epidural. Talk about a small world. Once I got my epidural, a doctor broke my water (I felt nothing) and then I took a nap. Thanks to the pain medicine I chose to receive, I was able to rest and relax throughout my labor process. This not only gave me strength and energy at the pushing stage, but also had me feeling refreshed and great in my postpartum recovery. 

One side effect that I experienced during labor that was unexpected was vomiting. I did not throw up a single time during my pregnancy. I was nauseous in the first trimester but never threw up. Three different times--all during transitional phases of labor--I threw up. I was told this is fairly common, but was surprised since I hadn't heard of this happening. I was not nauseous the whole time, but each time I would suddenly feel a lot of saliva in my mouth and need to spit. I would throw up for a couple minutes and then feel 100% better. I hadn't eaten solid food since 8 pm on Sunday (at this stage I was well into Monday) and I was glad that I was exclusively on clear liquids only. 

Throughout the induction, Genevieve's vitals remained constant, my blood pressure was never problematic, and every time I was checked I had progressed in one or more category (dilation, effacement, and station). While the process was long, around 18 hours, it did not feel cumbersome or lengthy. In fact, it felt like each stage was separate and passed quickly. One very useful tool to help me progress and change positions with my epidural was a peanut ball. I would move into different positions to help the labor progress and it was quite comfortable as well. 

After a while I did start feeling uncomfortable. The doctor came in to check the epidural because I felt like I was feeling a lot and had an impressive amount of control still over my legs. We opted to add another dose of pain medicine. We went back and forth on this but after receiving it I felt INSTANT relief. I took a long nap and when the doctor returned to check my status, she informed me it was just about time to push and I was 9.5 cm, 100% effaced, and G was in the appropriate station. This timing worked perfectly because my main nurse (another great neighbor) who had been an INCREDIBLE support throughout the entire process was off at 7 pm. Genevieve made her arrival just in time at 6:35 pm. 

The doctor reminded me that first time moms often push for 2-4 hours and to prepare myself for this part taking a while. When I was about to have a contraction the doctor would ask me to push hard for a count of 10 seconds, take a deep breath, and repeat. Soon after I started pushing she informed me that I would not be pushing for hours, but more likely minutes (thank you years of consistent ab work). Early on the doctor mentioned that Genevieve's head was turned and we needed to correct its position. She said normally this alone takes 30 minutes of pushing and I managed to do it in a couple pushes. While I did have the epidural I can say that pressure IS pain. I cannot (and never want to) imagine the pain of the ring of fire without an epidural because it was TERRIBLE even with one. While I was a trooper and cracking jokes and pushed hard for most of the pushing process, the last ten minutes were rough. I cried and screamed and the nurses hit my button to administer more epidural. Genevieve was so low, her head was popping in and out, and the monitors were bothering me between contractions (they were not internal monitors but the pushing of them on my pelvis was so uncomfortable, albeit necessary). When Genevieve came out she immediately screamed and I uttered the words "it was definitely worth it." I have never felt a greater sense of physical (or mental) relief. 

The nurses and doctors were all shouting "happy birthday" to Genevieve and she was placed on my chest. We delayed cord clapping until the pulsing stopped and the nurses were inspecting her on my chest. They noticed her arms were a bit limp and asked if they could take her to more closely inspect her. I immediately thought of another Mike Birbiglia joke about how "they are called vitals not optionals" and quickly okay'd the request so that G could be more closely observed. She was fine and was then replaced on my chest to attempt breast feeding. I was shocked my colostrum was already in and with the help of a nipple shield was able to get a latch.  

I totally forgot I had to birth the placenta and when they asked if I wanted it, I quickly waved it away. Similarly to when they asked me to look up at the light that acted as a mirror in labor--the medical visuals were a no-go for me. After that, the doctor gave me necessary stitches. I had a level 2 tear with stitches in 3 different places. I felt lots of pressure as I was stitched, but tried focusing on the cute baby on my chest. Those first couple of hours with Genevieve (and honestly hour and day that followed) were so wonderful.

I want to express a word of caution for anyone overly committed to a birth plan or journey. You simply cannot predict how it will all go. For instance, I had a scheduled induction; but my doctor was not able to attend my delivery. She was sick with a high fever and was unable to come in for the induction. Fortunately the team of doctors I did have were absolutely amazing. While my heart was in my throat and I was slightly nervous when I first heard MY doctor wouldn't be there, I quickly warmed to the idea of trusting the experts I did have, and they were attentive and wonderful. I believe my attitude and flexibility benefited me. If I would have been wrapped up in my doctor being there, I cannot imagine the stress or worry would have benefited Genevieve or myself in any way. I remained calm and attempted to rest at any opportunity and while I had challenges, discomfort and disruptions at times, I am so happy with the labor and delivery experience I had. Each birth journey is unique. And regardless of the process going as planned or with pivots: the outcome of meeting your child for the first time is well worth it all. 

Slowing down, being exactly where you are, and minimizing mental and technological distractions are the essence of being truly present. This is a value Andrew and I practice in our family. Being present with those first few moments with our new daughter and each other as new co-parents is something important to us both. While we are excited to share Genevieve with her family, our friends, and the world she is about to enter, we too plan to cherish that initial time slowly and exactly as we want to without worrying about the wants of others. 

Since I am being induced, I have a scheduled date and time that the process will begin for Genevieve's arrival. We have chosen not to share that information with family, but rather gave them a window of the week to expect her joining us. I can say, this is partially due to the response of some who seem to be bracing for complications in delivery and the worry they're attaching to it. While I empathize with their genuine love and concern, I do not wish to make that energy part of those early moments and will not be rushing to update them on a play-by-play basis of the likely long induction process. If they had a date for induction, I know some would be waiting with baited breath and I would feel guilty or more compelled to be on my phone and answering the questions as it relates to THEIR needs rather than focusing on the needs of Andrew, Genevieve, and myself. And in those first hours as a new parent I plan to be selfishly and fully present with our nuclear family. 

Something I have done since Tucker was sick with stomach tumors is practice using my senses to connect with the present. Tucker's condition progressed rapidly with symptoms developing, his diagnosis, and passing without euthanasia all occurring in less than seven days. I would get on the ground with him and just be with him. I would look at him and simply watch the way his chest raised and fell as he breathed under my hand stroking his fur. I would feel how soft his coat was beneath my palm. I would smell the top of his head which mingled the scent of vanilla shampoo and earthiness. And I would listen to the soft snores as he rested near me. I would not allow the negative thoughts of "whats going to happen and when" encroach on those moments. I did not have my phone to take a picture or video or to passively peruse while being with him. No, I was simply BEING with him. And as I wrote the description above I could close my eyes and remember him exactly as he was. Exactly as we were. I did this with Leonidas as well--I will never forget that cedar-smelling head and the way his eyes, which often darted from discomfort would settle and focus into my gaze. Or the delicate feeling of his raised paw gently settling on my bent knee and his pad's roughness as it rested on my leg to open his chest up for rubbing. 

Being present is a practice, I believe that helps us minimize regret and the feeling of missing out. In a society where an overly saturated schedule and multitasking are admired and valued, being truly present is lost. Everything passes in a blur and the mind is already on to the next thing. By slowing down, removing technology and mental distractions we can more deeply appreciate the present moment, which IS truly where life happens. I am not someone who comments on missing a certain time, or who says how fast time flies because I am consciously trying to be present with what is before me in each moment and stage of life. Do I multitask or use technology or do other things passively? Absolutely. But NOT during important moments. Not when I know my time is limited with the dogs. Not during dinner where there ought to be a moment for connection each day. And definitely not when I am experiencing my daughter and being a mother for the first time. 

Boundaries are wholly important to the process of being present. These boundaries first begin with yourself. The biggest distraction we have is our mind and quieting it can be no easy task. I like to consider thoughts in one of two visual capacities: clouds passing in the sky or a river current running through you. Essentially this visual allows you to neutrally acknowledge the presence of the thought (like you would the cloud or water) but you are not judging it or considering it (and definitely not acting on it). Instead you allow the wind or current to carry it away and minimally acknowledge it as in the background. Will the thought of texting new grandparents pop in my mind? Of course. But I will let guilt or that thought pass and know when the time is right that naturally there will be space to send that message. Similarly will pain or fear occupy my mind? Absolutely, but I can help acknowledge and let those things pass without holding them close. I've already asked Andrew, my coach, to think of a cloud if he notices fear or pain are occupying space for too long. 

Boundaries with others is also important. This means clear communication. For those familiar with the enneagram, I am an eight--a challenger. One characteristic that most eights share is that they are good at setting boundaries. It is naturally easier for me to express what I need or want to someone. This is not the case of everyone but the more you practice using that muscle the easier it becomes. Similarly, if you are establishing boundaries with people who are not used to this, you should expect blowback or people to challenge you on those things. It is important to remember that there are two types of boundaries: those made of a stone wall and those with a gate. Knowing the difference is very important. If something is a stone-wall boundary then you will not bend on it. For example, a stonewall boundary for me was no out-of-town company until at least 3 weeks after Genevieve's arrival. That was not inherently met with universal support. No amount of asking or reasoning would make me bend in the other direction. A gated boundary is something that you have more leniency with. So this is something that you've ironed out, but when someone comes back with a compromise you may find that works as well. In that instance, revising your boundary to the place of compromise is a good idea. For example, when discussing scheduling my induction date with our doctor she had suggested an earlier date--still in the 38 week range but earlier on. I expressed wanting to allow her to bake a bit longer and advocated a later date. My doctor then agreed to that date. The boundary we were both aligned to was induction in week 38, but the specific date had some room for discussion. 

While in the process of labor and delivery, I do not want to have on my mind preoccupied. I don't want to overly fixate on pain and discomfort, or the idea that friends and family need to be updated on where we are in the process. Or think "it is taking forever and they're worried we need to touch base." Nor do I want Andrew's attention in that direction. Instead, I would rather have my attention and Andrew's on the actual birthing process. This is why I set the boundary about not sharing the actual date and time of induction. No one will know that we are actively in labor to be worried about the timeline or expecting an update. That means during the golden hour we can BE with Genevieve in mind and body. Then of course when we are settled in our room we can share her arrival with friends and family. One of the greatest gifts I hope to give to Genevieve is a life and environment that is present-minded, and that begins at her birth. 

This last trimester has definitely flown by. While the entire pregnancy has gone by quickly, the third trimester has felt the shortest. Though, I will be induced at 38 weeks, so I suppose the whole trimester actually is a bit shorter. But I think my attention has been focused more on labor, delivery, and postpartum recovery, which has made the pregnancy feel like it is wrapping up even more.  I anticipated feeling a huge dip in energy and much more discomfort than I have actually experienced (hallelujah) in the third trimester. I had very mild heart burn a couple of times, which was a new sensation for me since I have never really had heart burn prior to pregnancy. I also had a decrease in cravings early into trimester three, but I have craved and eaten more salmon and shrimp (baby wants those omegas). My only real third trimester gripe is that the tips of my fingers feel numb and uncomfortable. Apparently pregnant women can develop carpal tunnel (the weird things being an incubator does to the body...). I am grateful for the fact I haven't felt hot or swollen, thank goodness Genevieve will be here ahead of the Texas summer heat! 

Overall, I have felt pretty good this trimester. Early on I noticed a slight energy dip and needed to occasionally nap in the late afternoon. I was still going for walks, but more so in the slightly reduced range of 3-6 miles. But I did notice some lower back discomfort if I stood or walked too long at one time. Fortunately, when I ordered my free breast pump through insurance via the aeroflowbreastpump.com website, they also determined which other maternity items my insurance covered and so I got a free belly band. I didn't want to become overly reliant on this, but wearing it while I vacuumed the whole house or during a walk reduced my back discomfort completely.  The AeroFlow website (entirely free to use) was helpful because they gave me pricing on items based on the insurance coverage I put in, handled any details related to contacting the insurance provider, and shipping was free and fast: 10/10 recommend. 

I also wanted to make sure that I maintained flexibility and moved my body in different positions during the third trimester (this also helps get baby into head down position). Just yesterday Andrew said to me as we geared up for our Sunday walk "I think you can still put your socks and shoes on more easily than me..." as I stood up and balanced on one foot to put them on. I asked a new mama and yogi for her recommendation about prenatal yoga and she shared Sarah Beth's Prenatal Yoga routines with me on YouTube. I started doing yoga in the second trimester, but increased the frequency in the third trimester. She has multiple video routines to follow and they are 15-20 minutes in length and were perfect before or after a walk. She makes postpartum yoga videos as well and I definitely will utilize those when I am cleared to do so. 

Probably because I knew early into pregnancy I would likely be induced--and earlier than 39 weeks--due to my blood pressure trends, I finished my nursery very early into trimester three. I knew Genevieve would likely arrive prior to our May 27th due date and wanted to make sure I was prepared and ready. Fortunately, since my blood pressure has maintained its mildly elevated state without worsening or developing into preeclampsia, we are able to induce just after 38 weeks instead of the 36-week point. Regardless, nesting was in full-effect earlier, and it felt so good to have everything in its place and good to go. The main third trimester "nesting" we did was to build the 4Moms pack-and-play for our bedroom and the swing for our living room and have the dogs get familiar with them in the space. We did this at the beginning of May (Baby G's birth month), so the dogs could get comfortable with baby stuff not only in the nursery, but in common spaces too. 

Since the physical space already felt pretty ready for baby, in this trimester, I focused mostly on the labor, delivery, and postpartum prep videos. While I do plan to have an epidural, I knew I still wanted to take a course of some kind to help with breathing techniques, etc. I had always heard of lamaze, so I purchased a package online for a course through Lamaze International. While I knew their stance was "unmedicated natural birth or bust" I thought I could just absorb the parts for me and ignore what wasn't resonant. That was not the case. The modules were not informative as much as they were arguments for their birthing philosophy. I often found myself rolling my eyes, snorting, or yelling at the videos. The only takeaway I have is that Andrew and I have our own Mike Birbiglia "I saved your best friend's life" inside joke related to a woman blubbering over her husband making her a peanut butter and banana sandwich. I mustered my way through most of the course but decided to count that class as a loss and seek additional support. 

I started looking at Tinyhood courses and decided to give their "Childbirth 101" course a go. I liked it so much I also purchased their "Baby 101" course too. They have really INFORMATIVE videos that consider different options and methods and cover unmedicated, induced, and cesarian births in detail. Beyond their videos, they also have downloadable handouts with very helpful information on topics discussed in the videos. I highly recommend their content and love having their app so I can go back to the information to pull up a handout or rewatch a video on a range of topics. 

Thinking about all the different baby care activities Andrew and I were preparing to make routine, I wanted to create a little quick notes resource guide for us. Since we both have iPhones we love using shared notes for things like grocery lists so we can both update and access the list. I created something similar for us as it relates to baby care. I basically considered the different care needs and would find one simple, informative youtube video, post its link into the note and the add a couple detailed notes per activity. Some of the activities I included were: giving a bath, swaddling, changing a diaper and using diaper cream, umbilical cord care, handling gas, CPR, etc. I also thought about the specific things we had and how to use them. This includes the different ways to setup and use our stroller, carseat, solly baby carrying wrap, etc. Since our phones are often close by, it is a quick way to check in on what we are doing or communicate the way we are doing something to each other. I've continued adding to the list as time has passed and definitely know it will be useful once Genevieve is here. 

I am 37 weeks and 5 days as I write this, and so my mind is certainly fixed onto Genevieve's imminent arrival. I have Genevieve's bag, boppy, and carseat packed and my bag mostly packed beyond a few items I am still wearing that I will add last minute. I am keeping a note with all items I want to bring and checked all those actually in the bag so I know which things need to be included later. We are as prepared as we can be until we are simply navigating the uncharted territory that is being responsible for a tiny human full time. I am stoked to no longer be an incubator and to welcome Genevieve into this big, beautiful world that awaits her. 

One year ago today Andrew and I said goodbye to Leonidas. He was diagnosed with bone cancer April 1st, 2020 and his bone broke late at night on May 4th. The only place he could get comfortable was the backyard, so the yard was where we all slept. We gave him a full Whataburger breakfast, and took him to the vet to say our final goodbye on May 5th. I describe Leo as a once-in-a-lifetime dog and his passing was the hardest loss I've had to endure. Something I have learned and try to hold at the forefront of my mind always is: the best learning and growth come from our best moments and our worst. So I tried to reflect and listen to what this moment held for me. I knew there was a lesson for me not only from the passing of my special guy, but also in his life.

Kids in the Cards
Those closest to me knew that children weren't in the plan for Andrew and me. While my degree is in education and I love kids, I had for most of my life dismissed the idea of having my own children. In large part this was due to not wanting to go through pregnancy and worrying I would mess them up. We were content with having our dogs and in that contentment we didn't revisit the question of "should we have kids?" When Leo got sick, that changed. I thought back to all the people who commented "big dogs don't live long..." and I asked myself a pointed question: knowing Leonidas would die at five years old, would I do it again? My answer then, now, and forever is an unequivocal Y-E-S.

This then led me to consider again the question of children and my defining reasons for not wanting to have them. The conclusion I came to was: the pain of losing Leo was not greater than the love and joy he brought to my life. Therefore the pain and inconvenience of pregnancy and childbirth aren't enough of a deterrent to not to have a child. I realized how truly temporary that portion of the process was, and the weight of the reasoning became significantly less. Similarly, the pain of watching Leonidas deteriorate from April to May was absolutely crushing, but we had happy moments each day even during that time, and so many adventures in the good years he did have. When I looked at my next question of messing the kids up I realized, we are all made of positive and negative experiences. By doing my best, continuing to grow, and connecting I would be okay and so would any kiddo we had. My lightbulb moment was the value add is greater than the fear of what wouldn't go right.

I had been doing this reflection internally, but knew that the next step would be to discuss kids with Andrew. Now Andrew and I truly are very communicative, but we had never actually had a conversation about having kids. We started dating at sixteen, and pretty much the goal was to NOT have kids, and we simply kept with that position as time passed. I still remember how I brought up the topic. Andrew was manning dinner on the grill and wasn't looking at me. I was sitting on the patio and said "I am going to ask you a question. I don't want you to respond now, think about it and let's talk about it in a day or two." He raised his eyebrows and when I asked "what do you think about us having kids?" I could see he truly absorbed the question and the next day he expressed we were on the same (new and different) page than we were before.

Finding the Light
I would love to say I was totally wrong and absolutely adore being pregnant, but that is simply not the case. I would love to say I am so excited to give birth, but the reality is I am so excited for the birth to be over. To be honest, pregnancy hasn't been as bad as I thought and I feel mostly neutral about the experience. For the most part I feel pretty good and like my normal self. Watching my belly go from abs to baby bump didn't bother me like I thought it would, and hormonally I am more balanced and calm than I ever was during a bodybuilding prep. I definitely knew myself well enough to know pregnancy wouldn't be my favorite aspect of parenthood. But I know here too there are lessons and work for me in this stage of the process to grow and reflect upon (more in future posts).

While I wish with my whole heart that Leonidas was still here, I try to lean in to the notion that things happen when and as they ought to. I can't say I would have come to this conclusion if he passed and we weren't in lockdown, shows were canceled, and we hadn't just relocated to a new area with Andrew's job. If we were still in DFW I would have probably been able to occupy my mind focusing on work, a show, and friends. However, I believe the timing was as it was supposed to be. The fact that Leonidas left us in May and we will meet Genevieve in May makes the lesson and decision feel all the more connected.

Leonidas will live in my heart forever. While physically he isn't here (though his ashes are next to me as I write this), the depth of connection we had, has and will continue to shape me. Andrew proposed with Leonidas. He was a promise for our forever and he will forever be one of the great loves of my life. He gave me the gift of a lesson I needed when I needed it: the love you gain is so much more than the fear you hold or the pain you'll experience. The good outweighs the bad and loving and living is so much more than the losing and loss.

                           Leonidas' last morning (5/5/20)

I can confidently express that Andrew and I have a close relationship. We root our relationship in two fundamental ideas. First that we are always growing and evolving independently and as a couple. I am not simply in love with the same man I was at 21, but rather the continuation of who Andrew has grown to be. Second we believe that love is a choice. It is not some hit-you-over-the-head energy or passion but rather the deliberate choice to grow your lives together in easy times or those that are more challenging. Regardless of transitions, shake ups, and growth through the years, we find that our relationship has only become stronger.

With Genevieve joining us in approximately three weeks, we have already had myriad conversations about how we can support each other and what our new dynamic might look like for the first few weeks (and beyond). As always, we expect to keep dialogue open and subject to change since reality never perfectly mirrors expectations. Similarly, how we think we might feel may not be how we actually do. We always hold space to pivot. 

Partnership 
Andrew and I lean in to each other a lot. We are each other's first go-to person for just about everything. Just this week Andrew asked me to help him brainstorm the details of a  presentation for work using a leadership model we are both familiar. Meanwhile, on the same day, I  mentioned some slight discoloration on the granite near the kitchen sink and Andrew immediately found a solution online to fix it and resealed the area (romance in your late-twenties ladies and gents). Our support for one another looks different, isn't equal, and is never tit-for-tat. We like to say that we are not opposites, but compliments. We are never itemizing or counting out who does more, but find a dynamic that simply gets it done.  

Andrew and I both find many people are shocked or skeptical when we express we are not having friends or family come help us right away after Genevieve is born. This bemuses both Andrew and I. Andrew and I have operated pretty independently of familial support for a long time, and are most comfortable (and confident) leaning in to one another. While the challenge of navigating the needs of a baby will be new, our synergy and flow of dynamic are not.

With Andrew home and not working during paternity leave for 6-9 weeks, he will easily be able to continue cooking for us, pick up the extra cleaning, errands, and doggy care needs I normally carry, and (most importantly) bond with his daughter. Since he cannot breastfeed, he will focus initially on infant massage, tummy time, and bath time for his own special bonding activities.

Initially my focus will be to breastfeed and prioritize my own healing and care needs. I don't find this limited focus selfish (or maybe it is selfish but with no negative connotation). With the hormonal dips, pain of breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, possible stitches, bleeding, and pain from labor, having space to heal is important to ensuring I am mentally and physically well. I am a private person as it relates to healing and breastfeeding, so having only the person I am most comfortable with around is ideal for me. Some want a village of support or are much more open, and that is fine too. I think what's important is knowing your own support preferences and advocating for them. 

Parenting
Just as we don't support each other in the same ways, we will play different but complimentary roles in Genevieve's life as well. A priority for Andrew and I is that Genevieve sees us both as parents.  Meaning: dad is not a babysitter. Andrew will be working and I will be home with Genevieve, but that does not mean I dictate her care. What I mean by this is when Andrew comes home, I can give Genevieve to him and leave and he can parent her in his own way without me telling him to do it a certain way or watching and correcting him during their time together. It is also important for me to leave and not feel guilty about running errands, working out, or doing something for myself without Genevieve. An added benefit is that Andrew and I doing things differently can create a more unique bond and hopefully help Genevieve learn the value of flexibility and adaptability (or at least the ability to advocate for her preferences). 

Integral to our parenting approach too is the notion that we are not raising someone who is an extension of ourselves and our wishes, but an individual who will continue to develop the person she is. We are not attached to her academic performance, aptitude at athletics or a musical instrument, and already discuss college as an option NOT an assumption. As parents we hope to give her meaningful experiences, materials, and foster relationships that support her, coach her, and challenge her. We see ourselves as guides and mentors more than we do as the superior/elder with the right answers (to impart one of my favorite sayings about this: shitty people get old too). We also do not attach to an age and missing the past. I am not the type to say "where did my baby go, stop growing." Rather, I hold the belief that each age and stage is temporary and uniquely wonderful. By living a life that has less distractions and is presently focused, I can appreciate what is and hold a fondness for what has already passed. 

As parents we also want to prioritize quality family time. We want to not only make sure we do this each week day, but also do fun activities together on the weekends. During the week, this will likely be family dinners around the table, a walk in the neighborhood with the dogs, and some time playing or reading together. Our week days are often very boring and routine (though I am grateful for this because so many parenting books talk about this approach being optimal for babies and kiddos). Andrew and I have never been fly-by-the-seat of-your-pants enthusiasts. Instead we are bed by 9 pm kind of people. That being said, we want to balance that routine and homebody lifestyle we value with fun activities on the weekends. Things like going to a new park, attending a community event, or going to a restaurant with a fun patio and play area. Just as Andrew and I value being complimentary partners, we also want to instill the value of complimentary use of time: balance is key. 

While there is no way to truly know the impact Genevieve will have on Andrew and my partnership, we can (and try to) do our best to stay aligned and connected: this means compromise. We will continue to have open, direct, and candid dialogue but also make time to be a pair. For us this will mostly look like locking in time together in the evening after Genevieve is asleep or an occasional date night away. I am grateful for the connection Andrew and I have fostered since we were sixteen and I hope we can model for Genevieve the value in finding a partner to lean into. Being in a partnership means letting go of the ego's need to do everything yourself and trusting in another to compliment what you bring to the table. 

The pace of life is typically rapid and overflowing. This is not only true for day-to-day schedules but also holidays. Andrew and I both have a majority of our family in the same area of Saint Louis, Missouri. What we remember most about holidays in STL was puzzling a schedule, driving in the car, cold meals, and rushing around. Since moving to Texas six years ago, we have abstained from the holiday hustle and bustle.

One main reason for this is because of our dogs. I have worked with a facility that boards, and I know how over-packed, under staffed, and expensive it is to board during the holidays. We refuse to do that to our dogs. Another reason is because we want to have space to enjoy the day. I think back to kids I babysat, who always traveled for holidays to their grandparents' or aunt's homes out of town. They would beg their mom just to have Christmas in their own house. Prior to conceiving Andrew and I talked about what holidays, traditions, and trips would look like and we continue to flesh out those details because being on the same page is important. 

I share what our preferences are for holidays, traditions, and trips not because ours are the right way to consider them, but it is the right way for us. I share with the intention that it helps you look at your own established ideas or to give you food for thought for ways you may meaningfully construct your own memories tailored to your own life and preferences. 

Predictable & Meaningful 
It is often said that the memories that persist from childhood into adulthood are not a single isolated incident (a certain gift for Christmas). But rather what's truly memorable is the tradition and expectation that persisted over time (waking Christmas morning to the smell of cinnamon rolls each year). This being said, we want to construct holidays for Genevieve that have embedded traditions and predictability. I am not trying to construct exactly what those traditions are yet, but am leaving space to think about what sensorial elements will be present for different holidays. 

Often, parents are so concerned with checking off every single holiday activity in the community, or piling gifts under the tree. Our focus is to strip that back. We want to meaningfully read a couple of books, watch a couple of movies, and participate in certain community activities during the season without excess. When excess exists, the emotional peaks of excitement are actually reduced. Rather than over saturating, we want to choose quality experiences and establish predictability for when they occur leading up to the holiday (most of the magic is in the anticipation). 

As it relates to gifts, we plan to take a more simplistic approach as well. For Christmas we will have stockings (some yummy treats and some small gift) and then give one gift that fits into each category: something to read, something to wear, something to do (experience), something she wants, and something she needs. For Easter we will give one easter basket with a couple servings different candies and a toy or two suited for spring weather (yard toys, bubbles, etc.). It isn't like we will be telling Genevieve "okay, here is the gift that you NEED..." but rather the gifts we buy will be rooted in this logic. She needn't know the logic behind each one. Similarly as it relates to sweets and treats, they ought to be enjoyed during the holiday season, but not in excess. A few jelly beans, a chocolate bunny, and a couple others are more than enough sugar for a little body to enjoy without overdoing it (or acting like candy is poison). 

We want Genevieve to be able to wake up in her own house. If she wants to play with a new toy or use her new craft supplies, we want her day to have space to do that. We want her to be able to love on her puppies, eat a warm and balanced holiday meal, and cuddle up to a favorite holiday read aloud or movie. We--Andrew and I-- as parents want to enjoy the holiday and memories with our daughter too. We want to be present and relaxed and participate in the holidays with her not merely shuttle her to and fro. Holidays at our own home facilitate this. 

Visitors & Visits 
While we have made the choice to be home for the holidays, if relatives or friends want to join us during a holiday break, we are open to that possibility. Andrew's dad, stepmom, and two younger siblings have spent several Thanksgivings with us in Texas and we've really enjoyed their company! Since Andrew and I have a different religion than our families, celebrating on a non-Christian holiday is likely more resonant because what we believe those holiday seasons are about (and therefore how we celebrate them) differ greatly. For example, we celebrate Easter as the beginning of spring, not the resurrection of Jesus. Since children are not rational thinkers until they are approximately 6 or 7 years old, we would prefer not to confuse her with the introduction of religion until at least that age. So a boundary we would establish is that if someone wanted to celebrate Christmas with us, those Christian elements wouldn't be overly emphasized. This is by no means to say what someone else celebrates is wrong, but rather if our celebrations are not in alignment, a different time to visit may be better. 

What's fun about family visiting at a regular time each year (holiday or otherwise) is we can fill those moments with their own fun and tradition that we can create together. The opportunity to make meaningful memories with loved ones is incredibly important and we want Genevieve to have amazing memories with her family in addition to the friends who become as close as family. I think too about trips that we can take with our siblings and their kiddos so G can bond with cousins in addition to house visits. We plan to try to make a trip to visit Saint Louis once a year, but beyond that hope to have people join us at our home or make a shared trip together. 

Another significant change for us with Genevieve will be how we spend time visiting family. Since both of our families are primarily in the Saint Louis area, Andrew and I usually would divide and conquer: hang out and sleep at our own families' homes and then each attend an activity or visit the in-laws during the trip. However, with G that will change. Instead we will be a unit: sleep at one consistent place, visit together, and return together. Also making sure we are prioritizing cousins in Kansas City or Illinois  too--rather than just focusing on parents in STL. 

When considering holidays, traditions, and trips Andrew and I are mindful that we are holding space for meaningful experiences and memories. We know that vacation time is limited and that we have to balance where-who-how we spend that time. With a large family that is not always easy to do. For instance, Andrew really values attending a trip with his dad and his former wrestling friends and coaches each year, that eats in to vacation time. Similarly, I plan to take a solo trip as well where Andrew will have to take time off to watch G while I am gone. This will be a great time for Andrew and G to spend quality solo daddy and daughter time. These solo trips too give Andrew and I an ability to make meaningful memories and also model for G that we can both travel independently and that space is important too. We are grateful to have so many people in our lives: big families and friends we have picked up along the way. We can't wait to watch the bonds form and grow from shared experiences and we can't wait to have the memories we will make. 

I will begin by stating my dogs are incredibly important to me.  In high school I preferred hanging out with Tucker over parties and I literally asked Andrew to propose with a puppy instead of a ring. I've been warned that I'll forget to feed the dogs or will somehow lose interest in them. While dynamics will surely look different, I will still be obsessed with my big, loppy loves. The dogs, Andrew, and I have made up our family for nearly 13 years; we are mindful of the transition not only for ourselves, but Heidi and Burlioz as well. We have been prepping them in different ways throughout the pregnancy, but will also take mindful steps once Genevieve is here so that our growing family can have an easier transition to a new normal.

Fido Philosophy 
I have been training dogs since 2016 and predominately focused on basic obedience and nervous aggression. I am someone who doesn't see a dog as a cute accessory, nor as a lesser animal. Instead I know dogs are unique, living beings with their own wills, tendencies, desires, and fears. As guardians to them it is our job to know them well by watching them and also putting them in situations that benefit them and knowing what situations ought to be avoided. Different dogs have different motivations. For instance, neither of my Saints are treat motivated. This makes getting their attention more difficult when trying to lure them away from something. However, a key to training is the bond you have with your dog and their relationship to you. Luckily my bond is strong with both and they behave with great manners (most of the time). It is also really important to remember that like people, each dog has their "thing" or point of challenge. For my guys that is barking at dogs on walks. Burlioz wants to play, but Heidi doesn't prefer other dogs. It is an area we are working on and it is ok they are not perfect, they are both still young dogs. We are all works in progress, and we must give our dogs the same grace. 

Prediction 
I often get asked what I think the dogs' response to Genevieve will be, and I confidently assert I think they will be smitten with her. Heidi and Burlioz have had lots of exposure to different-aged kiddos. Burlioz especially loves babies and Heidi loves toddlers and little girls. She will bark at little boys wrestling in the yard or running by. I've seen Heidi walk up to an 18 month old who was hobbling along and lick them in the nose without knocking them over. I am fortunate that our breeder had younger kiddos around while both Heidi and Burlioz were still with her. So early in their lives they had exposure to kids. 

It is important to note though that a baby in the home is different than the baby they see on a walk or that someone brings over for a brief visit. While it can be an adjustment to share space, usually the bond is stronger and the dogs will become more tolerant and prefer "their own" baby. Some of the work I have done prior to Genevieve coming is observing my dogs interactions around babies. This does help me make predictions about how they will respond. But I am not attached to those predictions. If responses are different we will adjust as needed. 

I predict that Burlioz will be completely obsessed. I see him chewing a bone while I nurse while looking out the window, being centimeters away from her fingers during tummy time, and protective of her when anyone comes to see her. Burlioz is my shadow anyway, and so I think he will always be close by. Heidi I foresee being a bit more aloof. I think she will be off napping on the couch or our bed rather than close by Genevieve. I do think that she will come running when the baby cries and smell her and then leave if the crying continues. I think she will be one to watch from a slight distance but still very much be interested and loving to G (especially when she learns to share food). 

Before Baby Comes 
Genevieve's room was formerly our office. The dogs had a couch in there and loved laying on it and looking out at the neighborhood. They would bark at other dogs going by and sometimes punch the glass. I knew I wanted to nix this behavior, so I used a sonic bark box in the room to go off anytime they barked. I did this for two months and now the bark box is not in there. Occasionally Burlioz will bark at a dog, but he doesn't touch the glass (my bigger pet peeve). Heidi was very sensitive to the sound and so she won't bark at all and if Burlioz begins barking leaves the room. 

We also constructed the nursery over time and let the dogs sniff and inspect the different items added. This way they can familiarize themselves with the new items. I had a neighbor give me some baby toys her kiddos used and I put these in Genevieve's toy basket. The dogs would be able to smell the little kid scents on them. I too keep a dog toy basket in the room on the opposite side of G's toy basket. Burlioz regularly grabs a toy from his bin and for the most part leaves the baby toys alone. He has gotten a couple stuffed animal rattles, but to be fair they look like his toys. I am realistic and know G and the dogs will likely "share" some toys and will hope it helps bolster G's immune system. I also push the stroller and move the car seat around in the house. The dogs will watch and be curious and sniff and then leave alone. With dogs, exposure to new situations, things, and stimuli is key. So if I can do that with these items now, it will help them adjust to the much more stimulating addition coming in May. 

My focus for the next few weeks is to have the pack-and-play built and next to the bed, move a play gym and bouncer into the living room and run them so the dogs get used to items in new spaces (beyond the nursery) and the sounds and movements they might make. 

Bringing Home Baby 
I will be in the hospital for a couple days after giving birth. We plan to have Andrew bring home a blanket that smells like Genevieve for the dogs to inspect and become acclimated to. Similar to how exposure to items without baby helps aid in adjusting to the new normal, so too does the actual smell of baby before anything else changes in their environment or routine. Then, because the dogs won't have seen me for a couple days, when I return home I will go into the house alone without Andrew or baby for the dogs to greet, smell, and love on me. Then Andrew will bring Genevieve in and we will calmly let them inspect the carseat and Genevieve. I like to use the phrase "less is more" with dog training. Moving and talking less, staying calm and moving smoothly all aid in the dogs in new or stimulating situations. Dogs are sensitive to your energy, and so if you are calm and confident, they are more likely to feel secure. 

We are fortunate Andrew has six weeks of paternity leave, and so a huge focus for him during that time is keeping the dogs' routine normal and giving them plenty of attention (Heidi is going to be over the moon). We will also get the dogs used to walking one at a time (this will be hardest for Burlioz who doesn't like when Heidi leaves the house). This is because when Andrew returns to work it will be safer for me to walk with the stroller and one dog instead of two. We are also being very deliberate about minimizing visitors for the first few weeks so the dogs can get used to Genevieve's presence in the house and not get confused by so many additional people in and out. We want them to get used to Genevieve and create a solid foundation for what our family now looks like. 

We are excited to see the new dynamic and relationships form between Genevieve, Heidi, and Burlioz. We are very mindful that time, patience, and love are all imperative for a smoother transition. Hiccups will be handled and we will pivot strategies when necessary. But overall we believe that our new dynamic will be better than before and that there will simply be more love to give, and that we aren't taking love away from anyone else. 

One of the most impactful tools that I have found in pregnancy is leaning in to other. While the ever-popular question "how are you feeling?" gets used and overused during the months of pregnancy, I have found that keeping close company can be an incredible support through the pregnancy process. Though I would stress that the type of company you keep is also incredibly important. Anxious thoughts are inevitable in the months-long incubation process. The interactions you have with others can exacerbate those fears and negative emotions, or they can help you acknowledge, process, and move away from them. I most appreciate the women who are candid and honest about the process (nitty and gritty) and try to keep those who describe pregnancy and birth only as a miracle and fairytale-esque experience at arms length. If you are pregnant (or planning to be) expect unsolicited advice and judgment about your preferences--but more importantly know which conversations to value and which to discard. 

Tribe Traits 
When I shared that I was pregnant, I received so many messages from women offering support. Some who were close to me, some who had recently had a baby, and others who were pregnant themselves. The women who I chose to confide in  always said some version of the same thing: "I won't give unsolicited advise so please let me know of any questions you have, I am here to share what my experience was, and I am here if you need to vent." This spoke to me because I knew that I could ask and share openly without judgment or leading me to what they thought was "right" (news flash: there is no RIGHT or WRONG there is simply what is best for YOU and only you know what that is). 

Vulnerability is integral in dialogue around pregnancy and birth. It is required not only by the person confiding, but also by the person listening. Sharing authentic experiences or thoughts that might not sound great to own helped me SO. MUCH. And related to this, if there is someone who cannot handle hearing these things, set a boundary to limit what you share with that person. No one is entitled to information, especially if when you connect with them the outcome is not positive. I found certain interactions were not only neutral but actually negative. Therefore, I set boundaries around what and how much I would share when I noticed the impact certain interactions had on me. 

I also made sure the people I shared information with would help challenge me and coach me. To be clear, challenge here means they would ask questions or go deeper on a position or stance I held and hold to the light something for me to consider in a deeper or different way. Challenge does NOT refer to trying to bash my choice or decision in any way. When I sought coaching I would usually start by venting about a concern or irritant and that person wouldn't just agree with me or gossip, but would acknowledge my feelings and ground me to what learning came from the issue or interaction being discussed. 

Ask But Don't Attach  
The golden rule of birth (I think) is every birth is different and at least some of the "plan" will not go as planned. I will be induced at 38 weeks due to mildly but consistently elevated blood pressure throughout my pregnancy. I began sharing this plan and the outpour of concern, "you should..." and judgment has been palpable (and incredibly annoying). Something I began doing that really helped me was asking lots of different women how their birth went (and what their birth plan was). This was more helpful that I can say. I asked myriad mommas in my neighborhood and hearing the sheer variety of experiences (especially compared to expectation) was a great relief to me. And mamas WANT to share. The number of women who are an open book is incredibly refreshing. This is definitely an offer I will extend as well. I give this example to say: ask and talk to different people. Including those who are not close or attached to you. They have insight and the lack of emotional attachment makes taking in but not attaching easier. I can also say that from connecting with and reaching out to women I wasn't as close with before, some bonds have grown deeper since. So it is also a great opportunity to grow your tribe. 

Also remember that you can get support and support those who are approaching pregnancy or birth different from you. While I knew from the get-go I wanted an OB and epidural, I have close women to me who were natural-birth and midwife focused and we can still support each other. The key is not becoming attached to one way being best, but by acknowledging that one way is preferable to each person. I found listening to the different desires and preferences and experience of those women too helped me know how to advocate for myself and broaden my perspective to be clear on what is best for me without judging their decision. Whether the birth is unmedicated, induced, or cesarian it doesn't matter: mama is a badass (so support her). 

Going through life independently is certainly the tougher way to go about it. Humans thrive on connection and community and reliance. Share your fears, your joys, and your experience. Don't shy away from vulnerability and don't judge others in defense of your own choices. We need a tribe and our tribe can be ever expanding. Those connections can deepen--if we are willing to lead with authentic dialogue and connection. And if someone who is a friend or family member adds judgment or negativity, change how you interact with that person. But having a tribe is incredibly important. A resonant quote to end with here is "if you want to go fast, go it alone. If you want to go far, go together." 

When I think of my role as a parent, I believe one of the paramount responsibilities I have is to construct an environment for Genevieve to thrive. For this reason, I took deliberate care in how I chose items for and set up the space Genevieve will spend so much time growing in: her nursery. The basis for many of the choices I made when setting up the nursery are rooted in the Montessori approach. 

The Foundation  
Of our two available rooms for a nursery, I chose this room because it has two oversized windows with a view of the front of the house. I loved the natural light that floods in, and how Genevieve can look onto the planters and the neighborhood. I deliberately chose to keep the walls a nice, neutral light grey with white trim to make the room feel serene (and I didn't have to paint, yay!). The room also has a great symmetrical arc to its high ceilings. Since I wanted to highlight the natural light of the room, I made my accent wall the double windows and used velvet olive green curtains to frame them. I chose this rich green because it is a calming and natural color and the velvet material adds much needed texture to the space. 

When considering the furniture and materials in the room, I knew I wanted them to be simple and natural in color. The purpose of this is to create an environment that is not overstimulating; basically, the room should be a background that is beautiful and comfortable to be in, but easily tuned out. I wanted to use variations of whites and creams and natural wooden tones. I also made sure to incorporate baskets in these colors as well to add textural interest. The mirror, frames, and curtain rod are all gold to keep lightness, but  the metal adds a smooth sleek appearance. 

I did want to make sure I interjected some color and personality into the space too. Our theme is loosely "woodland animals." This theme allows me to rely on natural themes like realistic baby animal pictures above Genevieve's crib, and to add color using flowers and plants as inspiration. I use green, and shades of purple and mauve to add richness and depth of color. Overall the space feels bright and energizing, while also serene and earthy from the rich and deeper color tones and natural wood and wicker textures. 

The Four Zones 
In the book, Montessori from the Start, by Lillard and Jessen, the authors describe how most nurseries are not active places to be, but rather only places to sleep. They described how a nursery ought to be a place for an infant to spend meaningful time awake and so they outlined four zones a nursery ought to establish.

The four zones are feed, dress, play, and sleep. 

My feed zone is namely my reclining glider. This is an item I splurged on since I know I will spend a lot of time here during feedings. This glider is electronic and moves up and down incredibly quietly and smoothly. It has a high back so I am fully supported, almost reclines all the way flat, and has incredible lumbar support (I already sit in it when my back in sore). I placed this chair next to the window so I can look out and appreciate the light. I have the diaper genie deliberately to the side as a little side table (yay dual function) and a coaster in the basket on the neighboring dresser. I also have burp rags in the bottom basket of the dresser right next to me for quick-grabbable access (I will likely add a cream or breast shield to that basket as well). I also keep a cream and light purple patterned throw blanket on the chair to help protect against spit up or spills. This zone is simple, because not much is really required beyond me and baby. 

My dress zone is not perfectly one succinct area: it is both my dresser and then Genevieve's closet which are on adjacent walls. As she ages, the way I will simplify this separation is to use the bottom drawer (because its her height to access independently) of her dresser as her "daily wear choices" drawer. Meaning I will place two options for anything she'd want to wear (size and weather appropriate options) for her to choose from. The purpose of this is to not give too many options, but to instill autonomy and self direction. My dresser has three drawers and two baskets. In the top drawer I keep bows, socks, hats, and mittens. In the second drawer I keep only the outfits she will currently be able to wear (newborn-3 months). And in the third drawer I keep the different swaddles and swaddle sleeper options I have for her. In the top basket I have diaper supplies (diapers, wipes, and general rash cream). Behind this basket, I have a metal box containing first aid supplies and thermometers. In the bottom basket I have burp rags and additional muslin blankets. On top of the dresser, holds our changing pad and a basket that holds hand sanitizer, an organic cream, coaster, and other miscellaneous items. The diaper genie is just to the side of the dresser. Then of course I use the closet to hang up more clothes arranged in size order. I already have an empty bin for "too small clothes" so I can declutter as she grows. If you know me, you know I am the opposite of a pack rat. My philosophy is D or D: dump or donate if you do not use. Lastly, I have a hamper, that is between the window and next to the crib for dirty laundry. 

The play zone for the nursery is the wall between the closet and entry door into the nursery. I have three bookshelves mounted to the wall, and an activity gym below the book cases. I also have a fairly flat basket (easy for baby to reach into) near the window that will have only a handful of toy options that is next to the crib. This basket is important to the play zone, but it is easily moved to the middle of the room or the play zone wall when play is occurring and out of sight out of mind when we are not. I already have a "toy library" bin in the closet and a book library in the closet so I can deliberately rotate out toys and books. In order to stimulate focus and attention, I will only ever have a couple book options and a handful of toy options available to Genevieve. I have three shelves and plan to use them deliberately. The top shelf will hold a resource book, sight cards, and bigger read aloud book. The middle shelf will contain library books (where we will choose two at a time). Then finally the lowest shelf will be books that are always available to G from our little at-home library. The toys we will primarily utilize are not plastic or feedback toys, but rather wooden  toys that are very simple. This will aid in Genevieve's exploration and experimentation rather than merely offering fixed entertainment and novelty.

The final zone is Genevieve's sleep zone. This zone is very simple and basically consists of her crib. I currently have a small nightstand that we already had setup next to the crib for her Hatch (sound machine and night light) and her video monitor. However, this is one element of her room I may change (a taller book case or a hanging shelf for these items. For now it will work, and we can adjust if needed, it isn't an important detail and always nice to use something you already have! 

Meaningful Space 
Hopefully you aren't reading this and feeling daunted by the details. I didn't choose things with hyper vigilance to a philosophy but rather kept the ideas of simplicity, zones, and natural colors and textures in mind as I put the room together. For example,  I held in my mind the concept of the zones and while they informed how I set up my nursery, I wasn't locked in to them. For instance, next to the crib by the window I have 3 baskets and a pouf. That isn't a technical "zone" but it was important to Andrew to have a secondary sitting option in the room and the baskets each have a purpose: dirty clothes, blankets, and toys. The Montessori approach talks a great deal about the importance of beauty. By beauty the emphasis is really that the room, toys, etc. ought to be appealing to the child. Therefore, I created a nursery that is beautiful, but from that beauty what I truly hope is that it entices Genevieve to be creative, at ease, and develop independence in a space that is designed with her in mind. 

Today I am sharing a poem I wrote for Genevieve. In essence it contains bits of wisdom (or insert a less pretentious word here) that I hope to instill in her. I thought of merely writing a letter, but what I appreciate about a poem is the sense of freedom it affords the reader. Rather than simply telling her what I want her to know, a poem allows her to find resonance in the ambiguity and to interpret my words in her own way. I have found my impact in life is often not as I intend it to be, but it is always as it is meant to be. It is never so much about what we say, but rather how we say it and make the other person feel. I have written and deleted several versions of "what I hope Genevieve gets from this poem..." because I want to leave that up to her (when she one day reads this). And also allow you to interpret that for yourself. 

Genevieve, 

The world is beautiful, 
large and vast. 
Be curious of lessons 
future, present & past. 

The world is truly a
conditional yes. 
Embrace all of your failures
as an insightful mess. 

Be not as others 
expect you to be, 
you'll forever be becoming 
& evolving you see. 

With passion ignited a 
path will be clear; 
but never fear straying from a 
route my dear. 

Minding that balance 
can help you a lot,
strive for alignment 
and know when you're not. 

Acknowledge the shadows 
but live in the light. 
Sometimes that'll be easy,
sometimes it'll take might.

Go forward confidently,
authentically you. 
Remember no one ever truly
knows what to do. 

You're somehow a stranger,
yet someone I know. 
I am honored for the privilege 
of witnessing you grow. 

I am here to support you 
and be by your side;
But the journey is yours, 
​enjoy your own ride. 

We live in a world that inundates us with information. There are a gazillion books, audiobooks, blogs, and podcasts (and now even social media influencers) who present information on pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Moreover, these often biased sources can make us feel like we are terrible moms or moms-to-be for not doing it their prescribed way. How does one optimally maximize what they can get from available resources without feeling overwhelmed, judged, and too-full? As someone who loves information, I will share some of the ways I have tried to educate myself without overload thus far and will share a list of some of my favorites (keep in mind they are specific to the parenting philosophy I subscribe and may differ from your own). 

Keepin' It High Level
My first strategy to intake information mindfully is to keep my reading or listening high level. Since Genevieve is not yet here, everything is a hypothetical. Will she latch? Will she have colic? What does infant enrichment look like? Rather than taking detailed notes on the statistics, the "sure-fire plan to fix X, Y, or Z", etc my preference is to listen to audiobooks or podcasts while I am doing chores, driving, or on my daily walks. I find that this lets me hold the big picture of the topic being discussed and not get bogged down into the minutiae and statistics. I especially enjoy listening to them while I am walking outside because the fresh air and movement help me focus and feel calm. In short, I personally prefer audiobooks (going deep on one thing) to podcasts or reading the books. I dabble in podcasts and buy a physical copy of books I believe to be helpful for reference (What to Expect the First Year, for example) but my personal preference is definitely audiobooks. 

Even if I am listening to a book that has a very particular perspective, I try to comb out the bias and hyperbole and focus on resonance. By this I mean asking myself: Is this resonant for ME? Each mom or mom-to-be who will have a different answer based on their values and the dynamic they are trying to construct. Personally, I prefer perspectives that are rooted in the neurological development of the child that follow the child's individual development and lead. I am also very interested in simplicity, routines, and deliberate communication (talking and active listening). And as it specifically relates to pregnancy, I enjoy the books that tell you the nitty gritty realities and are not overly concerned with "the most natural way is the only right way." My favorite book for pregnancy is What to Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff. I actually listened to the audiobook prior to us trying for Genevieve. What I appreciate most about this book is it presents the information in a factual and judgement-free way while telling you the different perspectives that come into play as well. To me, pregnancy is one of the most natural processes and our bodies are designed for it. So while I try to move, eat pretty well, and avoid what could be harmful, I am not too worried about the details of development and I am leaning in to trusting the biological process. So I personally direct most of my learning to parenting strategies once Baby G is here. 

Going Back In 
Since I am reading and listening to books that deal with sleep training, breastfeeding, and other detailed child care and development topics, I keep a list of the books I have found most helpful. I do this because I am listening at a high and detached level right now, but if a specific need arises, I can go back in to a particularly helpful resource. Say Genevieve is dealing with a sleep regression, I know I can go back to Happy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth to comb through specific strategies he mentioned that could help us overcome that obstacle. Or I can't tell you how many times I have gone back into What to Expect When You're Expecting.

My orientation is not to worry unless there is something to worry about. Therefore I am not trying to solve problems Genevieve has not yet expressed. Instead I try to hold a high-level idea of a potential problem (i.e. what colic, mastitis, or a tongue tie might be) and then hold space and observe what we are actually experiencing. Of course this will also mean leaning into experts like her pediatrician and other resources I have not yet explored. But by first having focused on a topic from a high level, if I go back in deeper about a specific topic (say tongue tie or lip tie) I may use a more specific secondary source that would not have been on my radar before (say a podcast specifically on that topic). 

Short, Simple, & Sweet Notes
I do not have a detailed notebook filled with potential problems, symptoms, and citations; I do, however, keep a note on my phone with resonant bits of information I want to remember or that might be helpful later. Having this note on my phone means I can easily send Andrew something I write down that could be relevant to him, or I have quick access to the information since my phone is with me most of the time compared to a notebook. If I am on a walk I can quickly jot something down without burdening myself with a notebook and pen. I may note a particularly helpful chapter in a certain book, a strategy, or specific detail that is useful. For example, did you know all babies are the fussiest during the sixth week after their original due date (even if a baby is a premie)? I already put a note of this on my calendar. When we highlight and annotate and write down too much, we saturate ourselves. When we are saturated, we cannot think clearly or act effectively. Therefore, by having specific and simple notes of things most significant to you, you're setting yourself up to put that information to good use when you do need it. 


My greatest comfort is knowing that families have raised happy and healthy children without reading all the (right) parenting books and making perfect decisions. I do not expect to parent perfectly (nor do I think that is possible). I read parenting books not with the intention to "do it right" but as a means to learn about potential obstacles, strategies, and topics that might help better inform actions I take and decisions I make. I am also leaning in to the notion that I am always doing my best and operating from the best information I have at the time. I am going to make mistakes, over react, want a do-over, or wish I had learned something sooner. AND by modeling that I can mess up, learn more, and try again I am teaching Genevieve all of that is okay for her too. We can intentionally fill our cup with knowledge, and simultaneously wing it based on what is currently before us.

No judgement, just growth. 

When I was contemplating what should go above Genevieve's crib, I knew I wanted whatever it was to be aesthetically attractive and symbolically meaningful. I decided on a gallery wall of six realistic pictures of baby animals on a simple white background each with its own phrase in matching gold frames. The simplicity in color, the natural element of animals, combined with meaningful written values are foundational to the environment I wish to surround Genevieve. I will go into more detail about deliberate nursery choices in another post, but today want to focus on the values conveyed in these pictures.

Values are a Value 
In the Lazalier household, values are important. When Andrew and I overcome an argument, voice frustration, create boundaries, or make decisions we lean in to our values. Values are like the roots of a tree, they are an anchor. Integrity, flexibility, kindness, and authenticity are a few of the core values we use to root ourselves. Leaning in to our values also helps us empathize. For instance, though we are not Christians, we can accept the views of friends and family who are without a desire to judge what they believe or try to change them.  We can ask ourselves "what value are they practicing that I share?" I could then say "ah, they are authentically practicing their faith and what that means to them. I appreciate doing the same and its ok that it looks different from my way." Instead of focusing on the differences, using values as a framework allows us to better accept and understand those around us. The manifestations of  values for each individual and each family are different. Therefore, Andrew and I accept that while we can instill certain values in Genevieve, it is up to her to tweak and adapt them to make her own. 

"Be" 
The six pictures above Genevieve's Crib read: Be Brave, Be Silly, Be Wise, Be Happy, Be Curious, and Be Kind. Each of these characteristics are attributes we hope Genevieve values and practices. One value we do not hold is "be smart." I will unpack my position about smart in another post, but the fixed-mindset nature of the word plus the impact on limiting out-of-the-box thinking gives me pause to value it.

"Being Brave" means not shying away from failure and holding authenticity and integrity even when it is difficult. Someone who is brave challenges themselves. "Being Silly" relates to having a good time and enjoying the process. We only have the path in life, there is no destination. Being silly means not taking life or yourself too seriously. "Be Wise" points to the importance of reflection and learning from personal and peer successes and failures. Someone who is wise is contemplative and mindful. "Be Happy" reminds us that happiness is a mindset and we can celebrate the tiniest of joys even amidst difficult times. I'd be remiss not to express that mental health can play a role into this as well. Though it is still a mindset even to accept sitting in your own current struggle and knowing that phase will eventually pass. "Be Curious" asks us to ask questions, seek answers and connections, and avoid judgement. If we are curious we are not assuming or judging a person or situation, but simply constructing understanding. And finally, "Be Kind." Being kind means we have empathy for those who treat us well or poorly. Being kind is different than being nice. The example of this distinction is to be nice is to say "I am sorry" but to be kind is to BE sorry. 

As Genevieve grows, I want her to look at these six pictures and ask "what does that say?" and "what does that mean?" Then I want to ask her what those things mean to her. In moments where she exemplifies these values I want to be able to say "wow! You went down that slide by yourself, did you feel brave like Bear?" I want her environment to be meaningful, for her to learn who she is, and communicate that to the world. I do not hold a vision for who Genevieve is supposed to be or what she will do or accomplish. When Andrew and I talk about her future we say if she goes to college or say "whatever she decides to do." We do not assume who she will be, but we hope to instill values in her that help her learn about herself​ and that she can use as tools to help her create her own unique journey. 

"So what's your birth plan?"
This is is a question I get a lot. And usually after I overview my plan I am met with a blank look and silence. What is my plan you may be wondering? A hospital close to my home and an epidural. While many women feel inspired to experience the raw pain of natural labor, I do not. I know pushing a baby with a 10 cm head out of my 10 cm hole is bad@ss enough and the less I feel, the better. What I find unfortunate, is the lack of support (and straight up judgment) for women who have medicated labors or c-sections. 

As I approached my third trimester I knew I wanted to take some sort of lamaze class to help with early stages of labor, calming techniques, etc. What I did NOT know, is that I would be paying for a course to tell me how I need to switch medical providers if my doctor recommended anything but a natural birth. And on the list of "pros and cons of laboring on your back" read in all capital letters: "NONE." Luckily due to Covid, I am taking this course from the comfort of my own couch. This means I can yell things at the tv in rebuttal. Andrew says he wishes it was in person, because I would likely bring forth similar challenges to any instructor and it would be great entertainment. I am not opposed to women having natural births and doing it their way. I am not opposed to sharing risks of medications or medical equipment during labor, but those positions ought to be shared in a more neutral and unbiased way so women can make informed decisions AND not feel like total sh!t if they do need an emergency c-section or cannot handle the pain of labor.

Prior to purchasing this course (I read the overview and it already sounded aggressively anti-everything in my birth plan) I did some research. I wanted to know "should I even bother with lamaze?" In short, yes. There are benefits to knowing positions and strategies to minimize pain for early labor stages or just in case I cannot have an epidural for any reason. Second, I wanted to know "why is lamaze polarizing in their education program?" I find it interesting that prior to the eighties, Lamaze was more complimentary and impartial. It was after epidurals became more popular in the late eighties that they began to switch to the "all natural or bust" approach. Just like the formula vs. breast argument, it seems preference transitions with the times. I also spoke extensively on the topic with my brother, who is an anesthesiologist, so he gives epidurals for a living. My conclusion is this: trust that you know yourself and the care you need, do research and detach the bias, and above all make the safety of mom and baby priority number one. 80% of births do not go as planned, so winging it and leaning in to what your specific experience requires is incredibly important. 

Have you thought about what you need postpartum? 
A friend recommended the book You are a F*cking Awesome Mom by Leslie Anne Bruce and it is already one of my favorite books on the topic of birth and mamahood I've read to date. Bruce explains how most women prepare a birth plan, but far fewer women actually plan for what they will need in the fourth trimester to recover and adapt. She goes further to express how women now are less prepared than ever to have babies. She says how being more educated, older, having a stronger sense of self, and fuller life make it that much harder to make the transition into juggling the new title of "mom." 

Maybe it is because I didn't want kids for so long or because I've seen the juggle struggle of women close to me, but I am the opposite. I was like "basic birth plan, but let me tell you all about what I expect after this baby is here..." I low-key am not looking forward to giving birth. I am obviously ecstatic to meet Genevieve, but if I could fast forward--I would. I am grateful that I don't live in the age where birth is merely described as "the miracle of life" in isolation and instead now we talk about the crazy and traumatic changes that happen to a woman's body in the transformative process of giving birth. 

Particular about Postpartum 
I had thought much longer and deeper about what I will need in the first days and weeks of Genevieve's arrival. For instance: no visitors until Genevieve is the only one in the house wearing diapers. As my lower region heals and I cope with the initial breast feeding struggles the last thing I want to do is get dressed, have pictures taken, and talk to other people. No, I want to be a hermit in my home and prioritize my needs and learn Genevieve's. I also want to ease the dogs into a new normal as easily as possible. Giant dogs being excited about new visitors, while healing, and handling a new baby (plus Covid) is just too much too soon. Even when we start having visitors (likely after three weeks but I've made that contingent on how we are adjusting) I have set expectations on length of time for each visit. This is because we want to facilitate seeing our many out-of-area friends and family while also having normal days too. 

I am very lucky that Andrew has six weeks of paternity leave and is able to learn how to parent with me during that time. I know that for my initial weeks, I will be trying to take it easy and heal, feed the baby, and stay relaxed. Andrew will be handling the dogs, cleaning, cooking, and assisting as needed. I am VERY fortunate that my husband is incredibly helpful and useful. We have always made a good team juggling what's needed. We don't try to make things equal but rather each take the parts we need to and adjust accordingly. I know many people are shocked that I am not surrounding myself with company to help and support, but I actually am: my husband. 

I anticipate the emotional wave that comes with the hormonal dip from no longer having pregnancy hormones when the placenta is removed. I  expect to feel exhausted from sleep deprivation. I know just moving, breastfeeding, and self care will be challenging. And I know the adjustment to being a mom will be completely transformative. I am not dwelling on the hard stuff to be a negative Nancy. Instead I am holding space for these things because I know awareness of those things and of ourselves is key to thriving through a transition. In bodybuilding, I had no idea how hard the struggle is after you finish a show. You actually have post-show blues, hormonal swings, struggle with diet and your identity. I had a horrible post-show experience my first go-round. The second time around I knew what to expect, knew where I would go dark, and made a plan to combat those things. And guess what? I thrived. So I am unapologetically taking that position with my postpartum plan. 

I grew up as the only girl with three older brothers. From a young age, my mother always expressed I ought to stand up for myself and championed my strong will. Not only did she nurture these qualities in me, but she modeled them herself. When I think of how to characterize my mother growing up, I think about how strong she was for us (despite facing many challenges herself). How she held us to high standards while also being a support for us to lean on. And that no matter what, she loved each of us for who we authentically were. Today, I want to take some time to express gratitude for the ways my mother continues to mother me as an adult. Motherhood isn't just about raising a child, but rather is a relationship that (if you're lucky like me) adapts and adjusts with age and time. 

Unorthodox and Out-of-the-Box 
As a child, I was incredibly argumentative. Not in a combative sense (ok, maybe sometimes), but rather I've always found enjoyment from healthy discourse. This was not always met with support *a certain religious teacher comes to mind who refused to accept my questions in class when I was twelve.* If you couple my deliberate nature, strong convictions, and adherence to authenticity there is little surprise that I am anything but traditional. 

I am certain that it could not be easy to always accept my less-than-traditional approach to life's major events; but I am so grateful that my mother always did (and without guilt trips). When I expressed that Andrew and I would go to the court house in Texas to get married with only two of our closest friends and that we wouldn't have a wedding shower or true reception, she accepted this. Not only that, but she supported it. She gave me the diamond in her wedding ring so it could be the diamond in my own setting and helped create a laid-back barbecue in place of a reception. She was not attached to what that moment wouldn't mean for her, but rather allowed me to have the moment that meant most to me. 

Fast forward to now with the the imminent arrival of Genevieve and my mother is continuing to show her support and understanding for my way of doing things (of course, still untraditional). Even if Covid was not pervasively intruding into our lives, I would not have a baby shower. While I definitely understand women enjoying them, I am not one of those women. I am a person who values deeper conversations, quality time, and abhor superficial moments. Not to mention the games make me cringe (these are my personal characterizations and if yours vary that is a-okay).  Not once has my mother expressed negative opinions about this choice. In fact, each month she continues to surprise me with a thoughtful gift or money to help contribute to the nursery. These tiny gestures really do mean so much. Not because I need money for stuff, but because these deliberate actions make me feel seen as a daughter and valued for who I am and what I stand for. Plus, when I look in the nursery, I see my mother, Genevieve's grandmother,  there in the space, even though she is thirteen hours away.   

Staying Connected even with Distance 
One positive outcome from all this Covid madness is that my mother and I talk so much more regularly. Since I am abstaining from the gym to protect Genevieve and myself from Covid, I walk my neighborhood daily. Most days I call my mom and we simply talk and connect. While we are far apart, the conversations make me feel like we see each other frequently and I am more connected to what is going on with in Saint Louis. My mother is never trying to push advice or opinions on me about choices I plan to make for birth or motherhood. She has expressed that she is there if I have questions or want her opinion on something, and avoids unsolicited advice. 

Even when I expressed Andrew and I wished to hold off on visitors for Genevieve's initial weeks home, my mother simply said "I'll be there when you're ready and I will help however you need." This is incredibly meaningful because I know that she will be itching to meet her newest granddaughter, but rather than putting her own desires first she supports my decision to prioritize establishing our new household "normal." When she makes that visit, I know she will be soaking up all that quality time with her new granddaughter, but her focus isn't on simply her desire to see the baby, but helping Andrew and I as we need too. The quality I appreciate most in my mother is she is not about the photo moments, but rather about actually being present for her loved ones. 

Impacts for Genevieve
When I consider the ways of my own mother and the impact they've had on me, I am reminded that my own ways will impact Genevieve. Andrew and I both hold the belief that Genevieve is her own unique individual. As parents we hope to support her on her own becoming journey. I am certain there will be times that her wills and wishes are not aligned to my own opinions. In these moments I will remember my own mother and her support and acceptance regardless of my personal positions. There will be times when I am hurt by her actions or words, but I will remember I want my daughter to be strong and authentic, just like my own did for me. But more than anything I want a daughter who wants to include me in her life, even if it is not the way I envision it to be.

I am so grateful for my mother. I am grateful for her flaws, her growth over time, and her unwavering love. I am grateful for the woman she supported me in becoming and for the mother she will have helped me to be.