When Andrew and I were discussing the prospect of having Baby Lazalier, an important consideration was whether we would be a dual-income or single-income household. We settled on the latter. Neither choice is unilaterally superior, though when we weighed the costs and benefits of both, we felt a single-income household was preferable for the lifestyle we wanted to create. 

The Dynamics
We certainly live in a world where work-life balance is askew, side hustles are almost an expectation, and the "stuff" you have determines your worth. The older Andrew and I get, the more we realize the value in having less stuff and more time and space. For our household, we want to balance family time with work. Andrew has a demanding work schedule, and likely will uproot us a couple more times as he continues to climb the ladder at work. With those considerations coupled with the astronomical cost of great childcare, a single-income dynamic is more appealing to us (at least for now). When Andrew gets off work is completely variable, if he needs to go in to oversee projects or problems on weekends is totally variable, and early mornings and late nights occur frequently. That means if I was working full time as well, I would be the one responsible for pickups, taking off work for a sick child, and juggling all of that with my own work obligations. None of that sounds appealing to me and I can only imagine the resentment and frustration likely to arise. I also have a background in child development, teaching, and enjoy being with children so it makes sense for me to prioritize that early relationship with my own.

With one of us working outside of the home and one of us prioritizing the needs of the household, we can more easily facilitate a work-family life balance that we'd like without gassing and taxing ourselves. As someone who has often worked full-time with at least one side hustle in tow while prepping for a competition, I can say I have learned to appreciate space and not grinding it out just to say you could. In life we only have the path (each day) and the hustle and bustle make it go by in a snap (and the day to day is often miserable). Andrew and I are trying to create a life that is focused on the present, is slower-paced, and more deliberate. We want our life to be one that doesn't have us holding our breath to the next vacation, but brings us enjoyment each day. 

Stay-at-Home but not Helicopter 
In the United States so much of an individual's identity is in the job they hold, therefore the ego attachment to that title and their accomplishments are significant. I believe this is why so many stay-at-home moms are characterized as helicopter moms and overbearing. Because the child is seen as the mom's "job" the child's development, achievements, and activities are also seen as the mom's accomplishments. I am already trying to be mindful of detaching my ego from the person Genevieve becomes. I am not attached to what she achieves, how quickly she learns, or anything else. I see myself as a guide and mentor there to facilitate her growth into the person she wishes to become. This means I will be mindful of the environment and resources she has exposure to, while not trying to overbook a schedule or create a mini resume to validate my job as a stay-at-home parent. 

 Other Benefits 
Beyond the benefits of bonding and quality time (my love language) that this affords me with Genevieve but also Andrew (since we only have to balance the needs of his work time away), Heidi and Burlioz will also be able to have adequate attention to their needs. Not to mention, the twice-daily vacuuming and other home chores can easily be squeezed into the day. Errands too can be done during the day and don't take away from family time during the evenings or on weekends. Why sure we could pay for a meal-prep, cleaning, or lawn care service. We could pay for these services (and there is nothing wrong with households who do); we prefer to do them ourselves. We enjoy the day to day regularity and simplicity of owning your own environment and for us, and this is a value we hope to instill in Genevieve as well. 

Today officially marks week 28 with Baby G, and that means I am officially into my third trimester. It almost feels surreal that Genevieve will be here in approximately 12 weeks. I am reminding myself that this is plenty of time and to take everything in stride (but the desire to nest and learn all-the-things is real). As I enter the last third of my pregnancy, I want to take some time to reflect on my feelings, experiences, and choices from trimesters one and two.This post will be slightly longer than my normal post length since I am combining both reflections. 

Trimester One: Space to Process 
I still remember the day we found out we were pregnant. I am almost freakishly attuned to my body and had a *feeling* for a couple weeks. The dogs definitely seemed to know something was up too. They rarely follow me into the bathroom, but were really interested in the smell of my urine (TMI but oh well). We chose not to share with friends and family until we were 14 weeks along. While we did confide in a couple friends and tell neighbors earlier than that, we waited to tell our loved ones closest to us. When I reflect on why we chose to do this, I believe it has a lot to do with protecting those who would have a vested interest in Baby Lazalier. *Telling a neighbor or friend about a miscarriage feels less emotionally taxing than a would-be grandparent or uncle* Our families had no idea we were going to have kids--let alone were currently trying to have one. But I can say, the shock and disbelief on Thanksgiving when we finally did share was priceless. 

I initially felt a total sense of bliss early into pregnancy. A serene joy that appeared attached to nothing specific (if you know me, this isn't a common orientation for me). That bliss did quickly turn in to nausea and lethargy coupled with a significant love of spaghetti and meatballs (now if there is a meatball on a cooking show I turn the channel--I am not joking). The nausea and lethargy stayed with me until the first day of trimester two. During this time I felt lazy and rather useless, but I was able to sleep like a baby and took full advantage. Andrew was very sweet about it and would say "you're not useless, you're growing a baby..." While I always rolled my eyes, I too always appreciated these words and his kindness.

While I was always very nauseous, I never threw up. I attribute this partially to understanding that you're more likely to throw up on an empty stomach due to bile, so I never went anywhere without a snack packed, ate something right before bed, and immediately upon waking. Even when I was queasy, I'd still eat something (or drink orange juice). I also abstained from any and all powder supplements: no protein powders, BCAAs, etc. I wanted to focus nutrition from real foods rather than artificial powders (but I totally indulged in Freddy's steak burgers during this point of my pregnancy). 

The biggest hiccup for us during this time was that Andrew had Covid with symptoms at the end of October. Fortunately we hadn't been too close due to work being chaotic (he'd come home, eat, and pass out then repeat). He came home one day and said "I feel funny, but I don't think its Covid..." In this house, you have Covid until proven otherwise so quarantine in the guest spaces started immediately. Fortunately I did not get Covid during that time and it was a piece of mind knowing Andrew had the antibodies for at least three months. He likely got it from our gym, and so the saddest decision I had to make was abstaining from the gym until Baby G's arrival. 

The first trimester seemed to take a long time. For one, I found out very early I was pregnant (just a couple weeks along) and second because I DO NOT keep secrets and held this one for several months. The nausea and lethargy probably didn't help speed time along either. But that time was also really wonderful and peaceful. It was Andrew and my secret to hold and process together and that deep connection is the component of trimester one I will hold to the light and keep in my memory most. 

Trimester Two: Routine, Nesting, & Feeling Great
I woke up day one of trimester two and walked the dogs, showered, cleaned the house, and helped cook sides for Thanksgiving dinner before FaceTiming lots of family... needless to say this level of energy and productivity felt absolutely amazing. Fortunately, that energy persisted. While I did have to take "breaks" after more exerting tasks I had way more gas in the tank. I also was rarely nauseous, maybe a handful of days the entire trimester. My cravings totally switched too. I LOVED (actually still do) red hot and wanted what I call "bland prep food" (egg whites, chicken, veggies, rice, sweet potato) over burgers and Italian food that I craved in trimester one. I also got into a great daily routine. An important component of that routine involved walking in my neighborhood. I would aim for 6-10 miles a day. This allowed me fresh air, to socialize with neighbors, call and connect with family and friends, and listen to parenting and pregnancy audiobooks. As I became more pregnant, I chose to listen to my body and now aim more for 4-7 miles a day. I also added in prenatal yoga routines (I love Sarah Beth on Youtube) once I noticed more strain in my back from my growing bump. I also would occasionally lift some weights in the living room. 

I really didn't start showing until I was beyond 20 weeks pregnant. While I am not really one for the regular bump picture updates, I made sure to take a couple to see the growth of the process. I felt like I was going to wake up one day and BAM! There'd be the bump, and that is exactly what happened. I have also had (and Andrew can attest) minimal hormonal swings. To be honest, late-in-prep-hormonal Kelly is more challenging than pregnant Kelly. I've been pretty relaxed overall. I know many women talk about how amazing feeling your baby move inside of you is--and while I DO find extreme relief in knowing Baby G is growing and bumping to the day's groove--it is still alien and strange AF to me. Though I remind myself to be present with this stage of the process and not to wish any part of the process away; I merely wanted to describe my less-than-sentimental and honest feelings too. 

In trimester two I really noticed a difference in sleep. I began sleeping on my side per instructions to help reduce stress on the spine and aid in Baby G's access to oxygen. But I hated it (and still do). I wake regularly in the night to go to the bathroom and drink water and some nights I am up for a sustained period of time. I am leaning in to this by reminding myself it is great practice for the disruption in sleep once Baby G is here and night feedings disrupt my sleep. 

In trimester two I really began having waves of "needing to nest." Some days I would wake up and be adamant about getting the crib, or starting the baby first aid kit, or feel like "oh my god, I need to listen to an audiobook about breast feeding today." This part of the process has been so much fun. I describe the nursery as my happy place. I love just sitting in there with the large windows, taking in the light, and just feeling what that space will be like with Genevieve there too.

​Genevieve Ryan will be with us soon enough, and we are so overjoyed to be with her on her journey in this world. For the second trimester I will really remember the reality of Baby G's imminent arrival: everyone knowing, the tangible "stuff" in the nursery space, and ultrasound pictures that show her discernible features. 

As someone who preps for bodybuilding contests and distance-running races, I know that intentionality can impact how successful you are in achieving a goal. When Andrew and I decided we wanted to try for a baby in 2020, I considered the ways in which intentional actions could assist us in achieving this goal. This post may contain some TMI details, but my hope is to share those elements of the process that I believe aided us in our journey to become pregnant. My intention is not to say what someone else should or shouldn't do, but rather reflect what worked for me.

Can I even GET pregnant?
This was a huge question I had that I didn't allow to linger at the forefront of my mind. I have always had very irregular periods and problematic PMS symptoms. I had not used birth control since I was 18 (a brief stint since I had a horrible reaction to the depo provera shot) and Andrew and I had never so much as had a pregnancy scare. I also had been in back-to-back competition preps that resulted in ZERO periods for close to a full year. *Dieting and low body fat can greatly impact your cycle* My first "goal" was to get my cycle back on track. Knowing 1-4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, I wanted to have 3 periods before we even began trying. So I increased my calories (eating in caloric surplus), made sure I was eating more fat to help my hormones level out (hello cheat meals but also avocado, egg yolks, peanut butter, and olive oil) and leaned in to being less lean (easier to type than to do). I extrapolated my bodybuilding background knowledge of "you build muscle in caloric surplus" to "you likely can more easily build a baby in one too." I also toned it back on the intensity of my workouts and cardio sessions.

In this modern world it is so common to hear about women closely tracking ovulation via an app, using ovulation test strips, and only trying at the perfect time. I knew I wanted none of that. My orientation was such that I felt deliberate intervention and stress wouldn't be necessary until evidence proved it so. Therefore we discussed trying for six months (every weekend) and if we were not successful, then we would be more deliberate. BUT we conceived within ONE month. I did begin tracking my periods once I began having them. My first period was in May and I had cycles pretty close to 35 days apart in June and July. We began officially trying the last week of July and by September, we knew Baby G was baking in the oven.

Other Factors
Since I knew I had some time to prep my body before trying, I considered other factors I wanted to change as well. For one, I was using a topical acne gel that would be harmful to fetal development. So while I've been rocking chin breakouts for longer than I'd like, I quickly nixed that product for the time being. I also chose to dye my hair closer to the color of my natural color so I wouldn't have to color my hair during pregnancy, especially the first trimester (it has been nice saving some money in the process). I also began listening to audiobooks like What to Expect When You're Expecting. This was great because it helped me consider factors that mattered early into pregnancy. For instance, I never knew that hot water can lead to miscarriages (specifically in the first trimester) and that baths should be avoided or you should only use warm water. No thank you: I chose to simply remove baths from my routine (and I was a daily bath kind of girl). I also used this time to have meaningful conversations with Andrew about parenting expectations, styles, and considerations. We talked through personal experiences, priorities, and opinions. We did this as we relaxed on the patio on weekends--pinterest has loads of great questionnaires and topics. Our topics ranged greatly: Name? Holiday traditions? Spanking? What if they are trans or gay? Behavior interventions? Dual-income or single? Funny enough, the only thing we didn't agree on was circumcision and since we will be having a baby girl, that won't be something we need to discuss more (at least not for Baby G).

For me the name of this blog perfectly embodies the approach I took to conceive: winging it with intention. I wanted to lean in to what was natural and literally lead with "let nature take its course." I wanted to focus on controlling certain elements that I believed would create a better environment for baby, while not stressing or controlling what I needn't worry about. Each woman's path to pregnancy looks different, and this one is mine. From my experience, a resonant quote is "hold the vision, trust the process."