February is the month of the heart. Not only in the Cupid-and-Chocolates L-O-V-E kind of way, but also in the heart-health kind of way (American Heart Month). So, today's post merges both celebrations. Earlier this month, Genevieve had her fourth cardiologist appointment. We had another EKG and limited ECHO; I can attest that keeping an 8-month-old baby calm during all the probing is definitely more challenging. All things considered, G was a rockstar. Fortunately, her VSD looked a bit tighter, and the doctor was happy with her overall growth and development. Not only can we push Geneieve's next appointment out, but this also means we do not need surgery, medications, or activity restrictions. Though, Genevieve DOES still have a heart defect (that may never heal entirely). So, we will continue to monitor her heart for years to come. Andrew and I continue to keep this topic far from our focus (but are well versed in any symptoms we need to watch for). There is no point to worry about what could happen. I still avoid googling details, and I listen and ask only relevant questions to G's medical team. 

As positive as I try to stay about this, I would be lying to say it doesn't weigh on my own heart. Going into this appointment I didn't have the same belly-full-of-butterflies I had for the previous three. But fatigue found me when we were comfortably back at home after G's appointment. Later that same evening I felt compelled to write a post about this topic--not specifically about Genevieve's heart--but fears. 

I can't say why, but I have always handled significant problems better than the small ones. I respond very well to crises that arise, but often find myself wasting energy ruminating on smaller problems or inconveniences (something I am consciously working on improving). While my brain (somehow) is able to let go of the need to focus on Genevieve's heart condition, my amygdala would cling to a mild concern about Genevieve; I will use sleeping as an example to explore. 

Genevieve has been a phenomenal sleeper from day one, when she was asleep, she stayed asleep (and is thankfully a long sleeper so two-hour naps are a norm for us). She needs very little time to fall asleep, doesn't need set rituals or a tight bedtime, and wakes maybe once a night. While it sounds like I have hit the jackpot on infant sleep--mama fears have definitely kept me from fully appreciating it. 

​Most mama friends I talk to share the fear that something may happen while their baby is asleep. I have had countless conversations about devices that track vitals, room sharing-crib transition, breathable mattresses, and the stress-checks to make sure baby is still breathing. There are times where I zoom in and watch the monitor to see that Genevieve's chest is rising and falling. Other times I feel compelled to go into her room and see for myself (which occasionally results in her nap ending prematurely). No doubt some of this mama anxiety stems from the fear of SIDS and the fact that much is still unknown about it. 

My fears were exacerbated after reading from What to Expect in the First Year. When I was reading the "month overview" shortly after Genevieve's second Cardiologist appointment, the book speculated that SIDS might be tied to an (undiagnosed) heart condition in baby (this is why I avoid google, people). I immediately felt my shoulders rise and the deep breath caught in my throat. I thought: but my baby HAS a heart condition, and what if she experiences heart failure while sleeping and I can't see the signs? 

The above question is exactly what runs through my mind when the urge arises to check on her during her slumber. My mind convinces me that I should go and check on her because if I found her unresponsive, I would know sooner and could therefore resuscitate her (it sounds dark--I know).  I do not have the urge to check on her incessantly, it is a fear that comes and goes. I also work consciously to break this attachment to fear. 

As time has progressed, I have gotten better at holding this mama fear. I don't have this fear during her night-time sleep (ironically). Genevieve has been in her crib from the get-go. But for the first four months I slept in my reclining glider across the room from her crib with the baby monitor propped next to my head. Our doctor's recommendation was to wait until Genevieve was four months and approximately 12 pounds before letting her sleep longer than five hour stretches at nighttime. But she went from sleeping five hours to ten/eleven hours at a time quickly, and that was when I returned back to the master across the house at bedtime. 

If a negative thought or urge to check on her comes to mind while I am falling asleep, I let myself breathe deeply and clear my mind of the fear I am irrationally experiencing. I found that with time I could "get over" the fear and fall asleep faster with this practice. Also, those intrusive thoughts now come to mind less frequently as I fall asleep. 

Naps--for whatever reason-- are a different story. I attribute this to the fact that I am awake and therefore those intrusive, fearful thoughts come to mind while my mind is alert. I continue to resist the urge to check on G (though occasionally still do). I align to what is actually happening in order to resist my reptile-brain's desire to cling to fear. So, I tell myself: "G is sleeping well, you saw her move on the monitor five minutes ago, she's not sick and is acting normal: YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY." 

Fortunately, with intentionality, time, and self-talk practice this concern occupies less space in my mind. If this was something I was dealing with that was having a crippling effect on me, I would absolutely seek help and support from an expert. If you are reading this and you are dealing with a crippling fear postpartum, I encourage you to lean into an expert to support you. However, from my many conversations with all types of mamas I find this fear (and fears in general) to be commonly shared in the experience of loving a tiny little person so deeply. I too know that peace does not come from the absence of stress or anxiety but from the ability to not attach to (and in fact resist) those negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Our amygdala is always going to fire in an attempt to keep us (and those we hold most dear) safe and WILL occasionally misfire. 

​When negative emotions rear their heads, we can choose to let them run wild and over-react, or we can consciously choose to overcome them. As a parent, I learned (even while pregnant) the mind will always worry (or worry we should be worrying about something we aren't yet aware of). From my shared example I hope you are able to give yourself grace for having your own mama fears and also work hard to face and overcome some of your less-desirable responses to them. Our kiddos learn from what we do (more than what we say they should do) therefore I prioritize working through my own stuff, not only for the benefit of preserving my own happiness, but also because I deeply want Genevieve to healthfully cope with her own fears and anxieties. 

The first year of life is basically an incessant transition (for baby and parent alike). With some feeling like a bigger shift than others. Transitioning into solids was a Saint-Bernard-size adjustment. To prepare, I refreshed my memory on infant CPR and choking and purchased a new food processor since we are opting to make all of G's food ourselves. Like any transition, your mindset, basic knowledge, and the learning you pick up along the way will assist you as you bring up baby. 

Mindset
My general attitude when it comes to teaching something new (whether this is to a child, adult, or dog) is "trimming the fat." This means I do not lead with the expectation of perfection; instead, I try to hold realistic expectations (we must start somewhere, and the process will improve).  I don't expect the chicken breast to be ready to eat right out of the package; I need to mindfully cut off the undesirable stuff before seasoning it and throwing it onto the grill. 

I take this same approach with Genevieve and food. I focus on introducing G to a variety of different foods and give multiple opportunities to try each one. I read--and can say that my experience with Genevieve supports--repeat exposure to the same food promotes liking the food (in the ballpark of seven attempts before a kiddo may begin liking a food). The first time G had a banana she coughed and immediately vomited twice the amount that went in (to the amusement and slight horror of Andrew and me). Now she goes crazy for banana with oats or avocado.  Giving G exposure to foods again and again--and sometimes in different forms--helps expand her palette. 

I do not expect Genevieve to eat without making a mess. In fact, we embrace the messiness of this phase. While stripping her down for every feed, cleaning up, and multiple baths (or water wipe baths) a day can be annoying: 'tis the season (and just like the obnoxious stripping for newborn skin-to-skin feeds: it will pass). My priority is to teach G independence by allowing her to take the lead, develop motor skills, and learn food is fun. There is a time for making a mess and a time for being clean. I do not believe we are establishing bad habits because as she gets better at feeding herself, we will naturally "trim the fat" and the size of the mess (and amount of time cleaning up) will decrease. In fact, I have already noticed a significant improvement. 

We also found that Genevieve does prefer her food (oatmeal and veggie purees) heated slightly rather than cold. Several sources expressed that 'babies don't care about temperature' but I found that not to be consistent with Genevieve's personal preference. Also, texture can play a role. Genevieve wouldn't touch scrambled eggs, but she loves eggs pureed; she prefers her oatmeal cooked and then pureed, not the dry oats pureed and then cooked--which was the way presented in our cookbook. I share these examples because I want to make the point: experiment, get creative, and don't just rely on recommendations you find. Food before one is just fun and you can have some fun too by getting creative to see different ways you can introduce foods. Genevieve is getting what she needs from breastmilk (though of course now she needs additional vitamins and iron once she hit the six-month mark) but I don't need to stress Genevieve will starve if more is scrapped into the dogs' bowls after a feed than into her belly. 

I am very mindful about my emotions related to food. So, I do not force G to eat as much as I think she needs. I instead trust her cues to turn her head away or open wide for another serving. I want her to learn when her body says she has taken in enough.  I also do not want her to see me stressed at a mess (I instead want her to feed herself based on her current ability to aim and swallow). As parents we set the tone of an experience. 

I would be lying if I said I wasn't terrified of choking. Regardless of being CPR certified or countless times rewatching a demonstration video there is some anxiety. We are going the puree route because of this. While we have introduced shredded cheese, chunky oatmeal, brown rice, scrambled eggs, and salmon we have yet to introduce real baby-led weaning style foods. This is of course a personal preference (and there are pros and cons to each approach and camps who swear by one method or the other). Go with what makes you the most comfortable. Genevieve has a bigger tongue, and her thrust reflex only recently really went away. This is an additional reason for us taking it slow and leading with purees.

I also introduce potential allergens on weekends: when Andrew is home. That way I have someone else to rely on in case we needed to go to urgent care due to a reaction. We have baby Benadryl on hand as well for milder reactions. My advice is simply to be aware of the elements of feeding that make you nervous, stressed, or tense. By being aware of them, you can give yourself grace and also work to improve your reactions--and replace them with responses. For example: I play Jack Johnson's Curious George Movie soundtrack during feeds because it makes me feel upbeat and relaxed. Genevieve smiles every time the bongo drums start with "Upside down."

Gagging is also incredibly common (though stressful) experience with solid feedings. I have taught myself to smile and laugh through this (though I am sure there is a slight discernible fear in my large, round eyes). Andrew laughs at me every time I do this because he knows the internal stress I am feeling. I know babies are empathetic. I do not wish for G to think that when she is gagging (normal and natural) that it is something to fear--therefore I need to model it is okay and will pass--I promise this is easier said than done but an important practice regardless. 

Andrew and I are no stranger to meal prep, so we are not preoccupied with the extra prep work that goes in to making Genevieve's purees ourselves or the fact that she isn't eating what we are. In fact, just about everything we eat is pretty heavily seasoned and salted. Sodium needs to be low for the first year of life because it can cause pretty significant problems on baby's developing organs. Therefore, if we have chicken, we portion off a piece for her that remains unseasoned and cook it separately. Making our own purees is surprisingly fast and easy and definitely cost effective. But if the idea of adding this to your plate is too much, opt for pre-prepped baby food instead. 

Expect your little one to go through phases with food (and try not to stress when they are wasting food during a hunger strike). When we first introduced food to Genevieve, she would open her mouth for every bite. Most of the food popped back out and she was more interested in her spoon than the food. Then Genevieve entered a phase where she would shake her head and refuse anything if you tried to feed her. However, if I loaded the spoon with something and set it down, she might scoop it up and "feed" herself (scraping most food off and gnawing on her spoon). Of course, there were full days or meals where Genevieve wouldn't want to eat anything at all--but made a mess anyway. (Food is fun I would chant in my mind, reminding myself this was a meaningful way to spend time whether the food was going into her belly or not). 

About two weeks before Genevieve turned eight months, she entered a new phase and really began eating more food more efficiently: hallelujah. This was a gradual progression where she ate the most at her first feeding. Her third feeding improved next.  Her second feeding of the day improved last. We share the responsibility of feeding: sometimes I am the bearer of the spoon and other times I let her do it. Usually, I start the feed holding the spoon but as she fills up and loses interest, I hand it over. There are still meals (and days) where G eats less, and I don't stress about it. 

Mapping Out the Introduction 
I will share what the progression of food introduction looked like for us from a high level. Honestly, I do not keep a detailed log about what we did. In fact, I started a mini notebook with the intention of keeping a catalog and quickly abandoned it because it felt like too much (and just not helpful). I do not use a specific app to track baby details either (though many exist if that type of thing helps you). Instead, I use a shared note with Andrew on my iPhone. I keep a log for Genevieve's eating, my pumping, and 'other' (sleeping, appointments, and any extra details I want documented). Sometimes I just add the time and 'solids' but if I introduce a new food I will explicitly write in that meal for reference. This way if she breaks out into a rash or has painful gas, I can look back to see what may be responsible. 

Before solids were introduced, I spent about a week letting G sit in her highchair. I would give her a wooden spoon and plastic cup to explore. Then I would allow her to interact with her own plates, cups, and utensils. I wanted her to get comfortable wearing a bib and just being in her highchair. When I got the green light from her pediatrician to introduce foods, we began gradually. 

I started by incorporating one solid meal into our day. I chose to start in the evening when Andrew was home--again, I just felt more comfortable having him there. We introduced one food every three days. With the hopes of diminishing pickiness and a sweet tooth, we chose to lead with foods that were less sweet. We introduced oatmeal mixed with breastmilk first. This seemed like a good first mix because she already was familiar with the taste of breastmilk. Then over the next few days we introduced sweet potato, avocado, zucchini, and banana. After we got into a groove with feeding in the evening, I added another meal in during the day without a locked-in time. Sometimes it was in the morning and other times it was in the afternoon depending on our schedule that day. When I sought to add in a third feeding, I then locked in a morning, afternoon, and evening meal of solids. 

Now that we have a variety of food exposures under our belt, I introduce foods with more fluidity. For example, when we first started, I introduced one new food every three days. This allowed me to determine whether or not we had an allergic reactions, gas, or stool issue, and could more easily pinpoint the culprit. It also allowed several introductions for G to get used to the flavor. When we introduce an allergen, we do not add any other new food for three days. Though if we aren't attempting a new allergen that week, we will simply introduce new foods a day or so apart. I document what the new food was, but that's all. When I make my grocery list (another shared note between Andrew in myself) I use the baby head emoji to notate this is a new item I want baby to try. This helps me consider items she likes, hasn't yet tried, or has tried but doesn't love. Having this plan in my mind is very helpful when it comes to prepping her meals for the week. I will save the specifics of that process for another post. 

What works best for me is not adhering to a specific time schedule with Genevieve. I focus on the pattern of wakefulness for the day. I do not feed her solids at 10 am, 2 pm, and 6 pm every day. Rather I feed her one hour after her bottle during a wakeful period. Our "schedule" looks something like this: 

• Wake for the day 
• Drink bottle of breastmilk 
• Morning walk/ play
• Eat solid meal #1 (usually oatmeal, fruit, peanut butter) 
• Play/ vacuum while in carrier 
• Nap # 1 
• Wake- drink bottle 
• Sitting up activities/ reading/ play 
• Solids #2 (usually veggie puree mixture, protein, avocado/ butternut squash, fruit) 
• Errands/ play 
• Nap # 2
• Wake- drink bottle 
• Outside time/Play 
• Family Walk 
• Solids # 3/family dinner (usually rice or quinoa, veggies, sweet potato or squash, protein) 
• Bath 
• Snuggle/ lap time/ calm play 
• Bottle--Bed 

After two months of solids, we are in a solid (haha) groove. While there is a huge benefit to winging it with solids, I would definitely recommend intention for a few things. The first is consulting your pediatrician on when your little one might be ready. Also research the items babies should not have, for example honey is very dangerous (cooked or not--something I wouldn't think about since it is a 'healthy' food) until after twelve months of age. You'll want to introduce allergens like nuts, soy, and fish earlier rather than later based on current research. This transition definitely calls for a balance of winging it and intentionality and *sometimes* the reminder to relax. 

While it is very common for parents to feel as though their child will always be 'their baby' I am curious as to what impact this outlook has on the ever-evolving dynamic between parent and child. When I consider the intentionality behind this belief, I feel as though parents are communicating deep love and support for their child. While I too believe I will forever love and support Genevieve, I try to hold her as someone I will love for all my life in a deep way. 'Someone' here is significant because it recognizes that G will forever be changing and her needs from me and support that benefits her are also, ever evolving. I mean shoot, how she needed me at one week old, three months old, and even now at seven feels drastically different. I can only imagine how different our relationship will be at five years, twelve years, and twenty years from now. 

This being said, I have held the intention since bringing Genevieve home that I wanted to create a secure attachment, throughout our lifetime together. So I do not jump as soon as Genevieve expresses the mildest frustration or cry, nor do I ignore her as she has a full-on meltdown. Instead I use my gut instinct and practice pausing to determine what type of intervention on my end is necessary for each unique circumstance. 

Types of Attachment
I mentioned that I want Genevieve to be securely attached to Andrew and I. By this I mean I want her to be able to lean in to us and lean away from us too. Obviously fostering this type of attachment looks different for each child: what works for us with G likely would not be the 'perfect' approach for our next baby (and therefore you should not take it to be a list of recommendations to apply to your own kiddo). In my opinion, a huge part of creating a securely attached relationship comes from reading and responding to the unique needs of your individual child (or children). 

When Genevieve is going through a leap, not feeling well, or having a tough time: I am there for her. If she is fussy and indicating she doesn't feel like playing but rather would prefer snuggles and talk time instead, that is what we do. Moreover, if she needs me, I am there for her and I do not withhold time and attention to get her to cope on her own. 

However, I too will allow her to cry a bit in her crib, vocalize in frustration when she wants a toy but cannot reach it, and allow her to simply entertain herself during certain wakeful periods. I do these things because I want her to not need an 'other' to find comfort --in this case mama. I want Genevieve to be a child (and then an adult) who can solve her own problems, cope with difficult emotions and circumstances, and develop healthy relationships with family, friends, and significant others. If I want G to foster healthy relationships, that begins now and with her parents. 

So I have detailed the attachment I want Genevieve to have with us as her parents, so I will now detail the two attachment styles I want to avoid developing with G. The first is avoidant attachment. This type creates a sense of extreme self-reliance. This form of attachment is rooted in apathy and a feeling that no one can help so I must do it all on my own. I want Genevieve to know that leaning into others is a benefit, that being vulnerable with others fosters growth and closeness. Therefore I will not be ultra regimented that she needs to cry-it-out to get to sleep, nor will I tell her she needs to do everything for herself because no one will rescue her. The fact of the matter is: when times get tough we do have people we can lean into, we don't have to do it alone, and a life built protecting and doing for ourselves is isolating and unfulfilling. I believe parents who practice this orientation often do so to protect their child. The parent knows they will not always be around and the parent fears that the child will not be able to care for themselves when the parent is no longer there to swoop in and 'make it all better.' This attachment style may build qualities like resilience and strength, but I would argue at a significant cost. 

On the other side of the spectrum is anxious attachment. This attachment style is rooted in insecurity and fear. The anxious attachment style involves forced closeness and responding to even the slightest need to smooth the waters. If the baby shows the slightest sign of frustration when the parent puts them in the crib: the baby comes to bed with the parent. If the child is frustrated a toy is out of reach: the parent gives the child the toy. This parent's motivation is being there for their child. The parent feels any feelings of frustration, anger, or sadness from the child needs to be resolved immediately and the parent is the person to do it. This motivation on part of the parent is to be loving and supportive. But a parent's purpose is not to keep their child happy--none of us are happy 100% of the time. Allowing children to feel ALL emotions, good and bad, enables them to develop coping strategies for dealing with elation and deflation, a rollercoaster they will inevitably ride for the duration of their human experience. 'Helicopter' or 'Steamroller' parent come to mind as modifiers for this parental approach. 

By focusing on secure attachment, I hope Genevieve will feel competent, capable, and empowered from her experience self-soothing or entertaining herself. I also hope she is able to lean in and benefit from extra closeness and support when it is really necessary. This is walking a tightrope and there will never be a red light or green light system to tell me when I should step in and when I should let her do something on her own. What I can do as her mother is check in with my own emotions and attachment and respond (not react) to the situation. There are times where Andrew asks "should I get her?" when she sounds frustrated in her crib and I say "no, she's going to knock herself out" but I am wrong and do need to go in and intervene. There are other times I when I am absolutely correct, too. 

Building Blocks of Secure Attachment
So knowing the attachment styles, how do you develop a secure attachment? How do you fight the loving urge to resolve all your kiddo's negative experiences? How do you cope with the emotional distress of hearing your child experience negative emotions? This is where 'winging it' really comes in handy. Each situation is completely unique. Therefore I do not have a standard approach I always stick to. I allow for flexibility and pivoting always. But I do have some strategies and suggestions that I employ that I will share. 

First, I always consider where G is: is she currently experiencing a leap or teething? If so, this is when G needs extra rocking and singing to fall asleep. If I try to just zip her in her sleep sack and leave the room (like I can do normally) she will work herself up, cry, and become over tired (making it much harder to get her asleep when I finally re-enter the room). From trial and error, I learned this rule about Genevieve: in a leap: rock to sleep; good mood self-soothe. When I say that I let G self-soothe, people will say "oh, so you let her cry it out..." This is not exactly what I do. I would not let G scream at the top of her lungs for a sustained period of time. Though I would also not rush in if she was crying some or showing some signs of discomfort (girl is a grunter). I can't exactly describe it other than to say I listen to her and my gut (sometimes this requires ignoring my mama heart that wants to make it all better quickly) and choose whether to intervene or not. 

Instead what I do is I try to set Genevieve down. I hold her as we turn off the light, draw the curtains (she is not sound sensitive but super light sensitive), and turn on her hatch sound machine (she loves the horrid television white noise sound). We have just begun the habit of reading a couple short board books just before going into the crib. Next I put her in her sleep sack while in the crib and sing the Barney "I love you" song. This song is short, and then I "kiss" her head and "hug" her by squeezing her belly. Sometimes she goes right to sleep and other times she talks or cries for a bit. When I was trying to let her learn self-soothing, I had to learn to cope with my mama bear desires and emotions (mama can make it better). While I could make it better quickly by holding her, G needs to learn she can make it better all on her own too. So I would tell myself  "Okay, I will go and turn over laundry and wash the dishes. If she is still crying or it gets louder by the time I am finished, I will rock her." 8/10 she'd be asleep before I could intervene. I can't tell you the number of times she would be crying a bit all the way until the completion of the task and by the time I walked into the nursery to hold her... she was fast asleep. So not only was this an opportunity for G to learn to lean in to her own self-soothing abilities, it was a chance for me to lean out too and let her. 

During play I also allow Genevieve to feel frustrated. I will put toys out of her immediate reach, or place her on her tummy and give her space to 'solve her own problem and roll over' if she doesn't like it. I don't want her to think after immediately being frustrated someone will swoop in and give her what she wants. Though I also do not ignore her and let her wing out or give up and feel stuck where she is. I give her some time, trust my gut, and swoop in after a period of time struggling. I do not set a timer or care how long she struggles before I step in, I just trust my gut because I am acting not to solve her problems, but because it genuinely felt like the right duration of time. I similarly don't ignore her because it is convenient for me; I will stop a task in order to aid her if my gut tells me that is what is needed in that situation. 

I also deliberately leave her to play without being close by. I have current books I am reading in each room and will grab one and lay across the room from her. I periodically look, talk, and smile at her as she plays. I may also do dishes or other chores while she's on the living room play mat where she can see me but I am further away. I want her to know that I am close by but do not need to be interacting in close proximity. This is something I have to remind Andrew of to practice too. I am with G all day, so its easier emotionally for me to give her space at certain times. He is home and interacting with her for smaller chunks of each day and therefore wants to be very close and interactive. I will remind him to 'give her a little space' every so often so she can learn that when papa's around he doesn't need to be super close, he can be close by and its still all good. So for parents who do work away from home, it may be emotionally a bit harder on you to give them that bit of space during play and interaction but still beneficially for fostering a secure bond while you are home.

For us with our big dogs, giving G space is quite tricky because our dogs are very large, 130 lbs a piece in fact. So I have a playmate with elevated sides to create a 'wall' that the dogs are not allowed to step into placed in the living room. I am very cautious to only be far away from G when the pups are relaxing in the yard or in a very deep nap session in the house. They are generally pretty good, but if the doorbell rings or they are playing with each other, their feet become dangerous. With G becoming more mobile, we have also installed a baby gate in the entry way that blocks G's room, the guest bathroom, and guest bedroom. While I leave this gate ajar most of the time, I am able to close it so G can roll safely all around her room. G's room faces the front of the house and the dogs will rush in and bark (only at dogs passing by). For legitimate safety reasons I had to get a gate to ensure G is safe from being trampled so she has freedom to explore all areas of her room confidently.

 I have to personally fight the helicopter urge to keep her safe from the dogs by stretching my own comfort level while also taking necessary and legitimate safety interventions. I let Genevieve roll around the room when Burlioz is in there if I can safely block her from rolling near the front window so Burlioz and G can learn to be out and move around each other too--but again I do this with caution. She is very likely going to get knocked about a bit by her pups as she becomes more mobile, but she is still quite young and we are being mindful of their interactions as the dogs and G learn what it means to move about together. *But I would be lying if I didn't say it makes me nervous and that I have a 'helmet' in my amazon favorites list for when she's really mobile. 

I also want Genevieve to know that I am someone who is there for her when she needs me. That means I am very mindful of my facial expressions, energy and words I use when she is fussing, frustrated, or up in the middle of the night. First I ALWAYS enter her room and smile and say "I am so glad you're awake!" I do this in the middle of the night, when she wakes too early, or sleeps through the night. I want her to know she is not a burden or that she only deserves my positive emotions when she is 'acting right.' So while I may be happier to see her bright eyes and bushy tail ready for a bottle at 7 am, she still sees the same happy face at 2 am. 

I also do not try to dismiss her discomfort or fussiness. This means when she cries because she is teething or for reasons unknown, I do not just focus on getting her to stop. I know that she is a baby right now and may not understand the words I am choosing to use, but by using them now I am building a habit for when she can more easily discern the meaning of my words. So when she is crying and I am holding her I often say "I know, growing is hard work" and "I am here for you." I am not asking her to "be quiet" or telling her "everything is fine" because to her little body, everything is not fine and suppressing feelings for the sake of another's comfort is NOT something I want Genevieve to do. I want her to know I am there and will be there for her for the duration of her discomfort, however she needs. These words also help me empathize with how she is feeling and to lessen my feelings of stress and frustration felt by a fussy baby or sleep deprivation. 

Related to this I try not to say too much. Meaning I let her fuss and cry and I will physically hold her close, pat her back, and say very little. I may sing a soothing lullaby or repeat the loud "shhhh" sound that mimics the mother's blood flow that the baby heard in the womb. I too rely on what I call  'yoga breathing.' This is where I take a slow deliberate and deep inhale and a long smooth exhale. Usually by my fourth breath Genevieve is noticeably more relaxed (or has stopped crying completely). I would practice this breathing strategy while pregnant and employed it very early on and I am amazed how well it works to soothe G (and me as well). 

Genevieve has expressed a desire to be independent since we brought her home. She often wants to be in proximity to you but face outward. She wants to feed herself and she wants to roll and play without anyone stepping in. She too wants us to pat her back and hold her like a tree frog when she is having a hard time. She will roll from across the room to nestle into the crook of my arm. She breaks from playing to find my eyes and smile so big--she is already showing us how confident she is to be on her own while also still reminding us that growing is hard and sometimes she needs you to hold her a little tighter or help her a little more. As parents we are dedicated to giving G an environment she will thrive in and that means balancing comfort and challenge, because our little girl is little now, but won't be forever. 

I am not a stuff person. 'Gifts' do not medal on my love language list. If you come to my house you will notice we don't have--nor need more space for--stuff. I will D or D: dump or donate anything we do not regularly or seasonally use. We rotate G's toys and she doesn't have an abundance of them. This is a purposeful decision because we want her to grow a deeper understanding of the items she does have and have repeated experiences learning with and experimenting on her toys. Plus, so many items in our house can become a toy (like a bowl and wooden spoon). Similarly, we are not big fans of feedback toys. Namely because these toys, while entertaining, are the one 'doing' and it allows for more passive play. I do have a walker/bouncer that was gifted to us and a ball that rolls on its own and talks to promote crawling. So it isn't that I am against using them, but I also don't seek them out. I occasionally utilize these toys, but I prefer to stick to wooden, silicon, and organic fabric material toys that allow Genevieve the freedom to take the lead in play. 

Whether you are a minimalist and want only a few presents under the tree or love the overflowing sea of presents, I can guarantee your child will feel the magic of the morning you create. In this post I want to detail some of the intentional choices I will be making this year in order to begin making Christmas morning magical for Genevieve. 

'The presents were wrapped with ribbon and bow'
Growing up I always had a ton of presents underneath the Christmas tree. I definitely enjoyed opening all the presents I received and actually believed in Santa until sixth grade because I didn't think my parents could spend that much on us each year. Though I can still recall one Christmas where all I wanted was an Ibanez guitar. I had been taking lessons with my grandpa's antique guitar--which was so cool--but I really wanted my own. My brothers will still detail how I 'ruined Christmas that year (don't worry, we all took turns earning that title) throwing a tantrum about not getting the one thing I really wanted. Another year I remember the Nook came out just after Christmas. I was so upset because I would rather have had that than any of the gifts I received on Christmas. My parents, being very supportive of my love of reading, bought it for me anyway. 

I detail both of the above examples to say: it wasn't the abundance of gifts that I remember (if I remember the gifts at all) it was one single item. I do not play guitar now (though we have two that Andrew plays) and as an adult can totally understand my parents not wanting to buy a several hundred dollar present I may or may not use. And I also appreciate my parents spending an addition $200 on a reading device after the holidays. I can empathize with how hard it is to parent and present, especially now that the baton is passed to me.

Andrew and I have decided to try out a five present system. This intentional gift-giving lens allows us to give Genevieve multiple presents under the tree, while hitting different values of gift giving. Gifts may not be a top love language for me, but they could be for G; I do not hold them as valueless. Genevieve will receive one gift from each of the five categories: 

• Something to read 
• Something to wear 
• Something to experience 
• Something needed 
• Something wanted 

I find that having parameters around the type of gift Genevieve will recieve makes me more intentional as I hunt (shop) for that *right* gift without going overboard. We are not in competition with having the best, most expensive, or trending gift. I will share examples for what will be under Genevieve's first Christmas tree this year (she will be seven months old this Christmas). 

Something to Read 
Andrew and I love Paddington Bear. We have discussed naming a future Newfie Paddington Bear and spent Thanksgiving and the day after watching Paddington 1 and 2 (while our baby child was asleep). So I found a box set of Paddington Bear books that we can read to G. This allows her the space to fall in love with a character that we love too. Genevieve won't be watching the movies for a few more years, but we will definitely get to share the love of this character together through these cardboard pages until then. I specifically chose board books at this age because I want her to be able to interact with them now and in months to come. If I chose a normal paper book, this wouldn't be a gift she could explore independently or often right now. 

Something to Wear
Andrew and I are utilitarian, so when we need something: we get it. Therefore we simply buy clothes when we need them. Genevieve has size-appropriate clothes in organic materials and cute patterns and natural colors. I am also fortunate that my mom has great taste and sends G a clothing care package whenever we are about to enter a new size. I also order from my favorite boutique: Kate Quinn whenever we are moving up. I try to make sure Genevieve's clothing promotes movement and isn't restricting (though she dose adorn an occasional dress). I also do not like gaudy clothing and traditional 'baby girl' or cheesy sayings. When I get things like this I simply add them to my donation pile. When considering what wearable item I wanted Genevieve to have for this gift, I wanted it to be something seasonal and fun. I saw a friend posting winter mommy-baby matching hats that she makes as a side hustle. I saw this as a fun opportunity to support a friend and side-hustling mama, get something seasonally 'winter' appropriate, and cute. Instead of just using this as an opportunity to buy an order from Kate Quinn, I wanted the wearable gift to be special and I think these hats will service as such. 

Something to Experience 
Genevieve is at the age right now where she is very observant and likes watching and following various stimuli. Therefore, when it came to what experience we would want to gift her, it wasn't going to be Disneyland or a trip to an interactive children's museum. Instead we considered zoos in our area and decided to get family tickets to the zoo. Yes, it does not actually cost anything to take your baby to the zoo (or at least the baby's ticket is free). But by purchasing our tickets, it commits us to taking Genevieve to the Waco Zoo to see animals and appreciate a novel sensory experience. 

Something Needed
I considered her age and developmental stage. Since G is developing the Piagetian cognitive skill of object permanence, I wanted to get her a gift that enables her to practice and experiment with this skill. I knew this would be the perfect time to purchase the Montessori object permanence box. This box has a circle hole at the top to fit a wooden ball. The box is also made of wood and has another hole in the side for the ball (dropped from the top) can roll out of into a holding area. The box I chose for Genevieve is natural wood, but contains three balls in bright primary colors. This will allow Genevieve to run experiments in play like: can I fit more than one ball through the hole at once? (No) Does it matter what color ball goes in? (No) Will they all come out? (Yes) Can another toy go through the hole, what if it doesn't roll? A very simple toy can be used and experienced in a multitude of ways. 

To be honest, I got a little ahead of myself. Originally, I chose an object permanence box that actually had multiple shapes and matching slits at the top "hole" that could be changed to fit only that unique object's shape. However, upon receiving it I noticed the pieces were too small for Genevieve to explore independently. So I am going to put this toy away and gift it to her for her as a one-year birthday present instead since it will be perfect to build on the skills with the more basic box. I had hoped to simply use the ball and circle hole for a while and then introduce the other shapes and shape slits as she needed additional challenge, but the size of the shapes were simply smaller than I expected and it would not be safe to do so. 

Something Wanted
This is not the easiest gift to buy because I cannot ask Genevieve 'hey, want do you want this year?' So  while I cannot ask her what she'd like, I do have a plan. We will hit a few stores with G and I will see what catches her eye or that she gravitates towards. I will allow her natural interest to inspire the gift instead of browsing the internet or Etsy myself to choose what she wants. This way I am honoring the value of her choice while also realizing a baby doesn't have strong opinions about desired gifts just yet. 

'The stockings were hung with care'
I will also utilize Genevieve's stocking in addition to her five presents under the tree. When she wakes up on Christmas Eve, her stocking will be filled with presents to be used that day in the spirit of the holiday. Inside her Christmas Eve stocking will be:

•  A set of Christmas jammies (mom and dad will get them too)
• A new Christmas-themed book 
• A 'ticket' to a Christmas movie we will watch that day/night as a family 

Andrew and I value fostering Holiday memories in our own home with our nuclear family. These gifts on Christmas Eve enable us to do just that. I envision a day spent in jammies as Andrew preps our holiday feast, we bake and decorate cookies for Santa, and laugh and sing Christmas carols. We will read the Christmas books we have in our library and read our newest book just before going to bed for the night. This year that book will be The Night Before Christmas, a classic and must-have read (in my book at least). Then at some point in the day we would watch a Christmas movie on one of our streaming services. I operate from the place that kids like boundaries and need limited choices. So this won't be a ticket to "choose whatever you like." Instead Andrew and I will choose two age-appropriate movies we think Genevieve would enjoy watching. I will then create a construction-paper ticket allowing her to choose which of the two options she wants to watch this year. Though we will not partake in the movie this year, but will begin this next year (this year is mom and dad's choice: more than likely Jim Carrey's Grinch). 

On Christmas morning Genevieve's stocking will contain two gifts: 

• A new Christmas ornament 
• A treat to eat 

This year, I am making an ornament for Genevieve. This will be clear circle ornament that will contain her hospital bands, little hat, and some purple and green paper grass. What I love about the idea of gifting an ornament each year is that when she moves on to have her own Christmas tree, I can give her all of these ornaments as a gift for her first Christmas in her own home. This feels like a special way to celebrate her first adult Christmas and acknowledge that she now will establish her own traditions that may be apart from us. And hopefully they will hold as a tangible reminder of memories made in Christmases past. 

The holiday season is filled with many yummy things. So each year we will gift Genevieve a special seasonal treat--bought or made--we think she would enjoy based on her food preferences. This year we are only newly introducing solids, so I am going to purchase a 2-pack of silicon spoons that she can eat from since she has really shown an interest already in feeding herself (and teething on) the two spoons she has. 

'Gee, an avocado, thanks!' 
I think it is of utmost importance to be grateful for any and all gifts received from others. This is why we will instill the value of giving thanks to anyone for a gift received. That being said: the only thing we owe them is a 'thank you.' If a gift does not align with the type of toys, clothing, etc. we wish G to have, or when she is older if she doesn't like it, we will not be keeping it 'just because so-and-so got it for us.' Instead we will donate the item. If the person has hurt feelings that the gift was not kept, they are certainly entitled to those feelings. But I will not fill our house and cupboards with stuff collecting dust just to be polite.

I keep an amazon list called 'Gifts Ideas for Genevieve' that I share with those who ask for what she might want for the holiday. I express that I do not hold the expectation that they buy from said list, and can buy what they think she would enjoy. However this list can serve as an idea board for the types of toys, clothes, and things we would like for her to have in a variety of price points. I am not saying 'buy what we want, or I am tossing it.' Because truly I think people can sometimes buy things that I hadn't thought of and that we love. My mom does this all the time. Genevieve loves the various toys my mom has mailed her--ALL of her favorite teether came from my mom. That being said: my mom knows the type and texture of things we are interested in and the toys align with these qualities. 

We will not harp on these categories and intentional planning to Genevieve. Though we will of course lean in to her to ask what she does want for Christmas in that category. We hope by offering gifts in different categories, it gives her an appreciation of the various types of gifts that she can enjoy and can apply to giving to others. I too am open to modifying this system as we go. For instance, part of me really wants to include a 'thing to craft' category. Maybe I will or maybe this will fit into an existing category and doesn't need its own. Similarly, I get new ideas all the time or by communicating with others. For example, I saw a friend had their Elf on the Shelf appear and bring Christmas jammies for the first appearance of the season. Part of me likes this better than my original outline to give them on Christmas Eve so that G has more time to get use out of them. So I am thinking of adjusting to that once we begin the Elf on the Shelf tradition.

While the presents we are buying her are all pretty inexpensive, we will in the future rely on big holidays like Christmas to purchase more expensive gifts like toddler playground activity centers, tiny kitchens, and toy vehicles. However since she is a tiny baby without much attachment to Christmas morning, we are opting for items that fit these categories that don't break the bank. We will also put all extended family and friend gifts under the tree to be opened on Christmas morning. This way Genevieve has a fun time opening a variety of presents and can practice delayed gratification when a package arrives early (something I admittedly suck at). Having a plan for traditions and intention around gift giving isn't meant to be a burden, but rather to enrich the depth of and meaningfulness of the experience. I would love to hear what traditions you love or can't wait to begin. Please share them in the comments, and may the season of giving begin! 

 This will not be the average 'expected' Thanksgiving post about giving gratitude or feeling grateful. Instead, as we enter the holiday season, I want to talk about a topic many (if not all in my opinion) women struggle with in some capacity... food. 

I have wanted to post on this topic for quite sometime, though the frame and context had not seemed *just* right. With the winter holidays, centered around overflowing plates, decadent sweets, and 'New Years Resolutions to lose X pounds, I feel as though this topic may ring resonant with those of you reading. Whenever I share about something that can evoke a sympathetic response the enneagram eight in me wants to challenge the reader not to have sympathy for me. I am a firm believer in what we go through, good or bad, holds a lesson for us. We can utilize the learning to rise above and evolve (which is what I am currently doing). I hope it evokes self reflection on the ways in which your own relationship with food, exercise, and body image impacts you (whereever you find yourself in life) and can aid you in your own journey in some way. 

Where to even begin? I could write endlessly on this topic and go off on many tangents. I will attempt to keep it tight, and likely revisit this topic in future posts. 

High Level Context
"The universe wanted you to have a girl so you could work through your food stuff." This is what Andrew said to me one evening after learning we were having a daughter. I could do a deep dive on all the signs that I had issues with food and body acceptance throughout my life (lets just say when your name rhymes with 'belly' and 'jelly' teasing is almost certain). Or I could detail the people and experiences that built upon one another to lead to issues with food or body image. But I will spare you the details of all of that. Honestly, focusing ones energy on those details feels like retreating into victimhood (something I ain't about). So instead I will attempt to speak to a few key moments in recent years that helped me realize "oh, this is a problem" and "I am the one to take charge in order to change."  

After my first bodybuilding show in 2018 I remember having no real understanding of the cyclical process of the sport. By this I mean I had no idea the hormonal and emotional depression that would follow and the importance of a reverse diet. In fact, I had agreed to work with a coach for a 16 week prep. Once the show was over, I didn't even think about continuing to work with a coach or know why I would even need to.

After the show I did not have another goal lined up and felt so deprived, I went full crazy on food. I gained thirty pounds pretty rapidly and was anxious and depressed. I could not look in the mirror or even put lotion on my body (touching my own skin was almost physically painful from the emotional distress of 'touching' the extra weight). People often think body dysmorphia is when you look in the mirror and see a 300 lb version of you. But that ain't it (at least not for me). It is where being in your physical body is painful and you have a total disassociation with the body you feel versus the body you see. I spoke with a friend about this who experienced something similar after her first show. She said her husband taped every mirror in the house so she could only see her eyes to allow her to put on her makeup without having a meltdown. Body dysmorphia is rough and in my experience, would come in waves, not be present in this severity all the time (thank goodness). 

 I hated going to the gym and lifting and felt disconnected and unhappy. I would severely restrict my calories and then binge on snacks or literally anything in the house. I knew I needed to get myself under control (that's what the 2018 version of me wanted: control). At the time I knew I could not put a lid on the binging. But me being me, the one thing I could do is overwork and put in crazy effort to combat the binging. So I made a new goal: distance running. If I couldn't control my caloric intake (which would result in inevitable weight gain ) I could attempt to outrun a poor diet (word to the wise: you can't).

I often write about 'checking your motivation.' While I didn't take stock in this at the time, now I can see my motivation to run in races was not from a good place. It wasn't from a place of challenging myself, love, or passion. Instead I was operating from a fearful place and a place of lack (not being enough). I ran the Cowtown for my first race (a half marathon) and then was training for the Silo full Marathon. In training I was under such severe stress that I actually got the flu and two months later had shingles. All this to say, my body and mind were in a terrible place. 

People would see the goal I was training for and applaud my effort and ability. However now I see that the value is not in fact in achieving a goal. To me what I value much more is the intention. I planned to immediately go back into a show prep after my second race. I ran my second marathon (I completed a Dallas half since my 18 mile runs in training were wearing down my body). That same weekend I got shingles but I started my bodybuilding that next week anyway (I just didn't sprint because it felt like my eyeball was pulsing out of my head if my heart rate was high). All this to say: my motivation for these things were not good. For my second show prep my goal was very specific: the post show reverse diet. I truly did not give a shit about the stage, I knew I needed to reverse diet and figure out how to gradually gain weight back. 

I completed my second show in November of 2019. I reversed very well and immediately went into a prep for another show in April of 2020. To be honest, I was terrified to not be told what to do by a prep coach. I was proud that I hung on to my progress for so long. I would love to say I liked how I looked. To be honest, this was the best shape I had ever been in in my life. And while looking in the mirror didn't send me into a full panic and breakdown (as it did after my first show) I would still perseverate on the elements of myself I didn't like.

Let me tell you, if you think you'll get to a point in your progress that you don't pick apart your flaws, you will always find something. I literally started hating the wrinkles in my neck, the shape of my jaw, and structure of my lower stomach--weirdly specific things, that NO ONE else would notice, I know, it is absurd (that's my fucking point). I share this because I want to point to the value of perspective and motivation. If I am operating from a place of picking myself apart (whether I weigh 205 lbs or 105 lbs) I will continue to see and highlight the negative regardless of my progress. Similarly if I am eating well and working out to lose weight or like my appearance, I will only feel as though I am not there yet (and therefore it will always be unattainable). 

I was two weeks out from my April 2020 show when the lockdown hit and the world (and gyms) shut down. I was hanging on by a thread: I was having cheat meals but didn't have the celebration of a show followed by a structured celebration and reverse. I was willy nilly with my diet (when I am usually spot on with my prep plans).  I felt so deprived and the combined sugar spikes weren't helping. Then a week later I was rocked by Leo's terminal cancer diagnosis. I felt so much shame as I told my coach basically "I'm out." And I entered another wild binge cycle. 

When I was at my low I remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom rubbing Leo's neck and I remember telling myself to feel: feel the pain in this moment (which was debilitating). I told myself this wouldn't last but to remember it, to use it. I believe if I hadn't felt that pain and gone into that spiral the learning I gained wouldn't have been as strong and truly wouldn't have led me to the realization that I did in fact want a child. I realized a child would make me happy and that my barriers were fear of pain in child birth and the fear of ruining my body. Once I realized that was the motivation to not have kids and that it wasn't coming from a good source, I decided to be brave, not overthink it and surrender to both processes. Pregnancy was not a magical experience for me (I felt neutral to it) and birth wasn't a miracle (but not as bad as I thought it would be) and both were absolutely worth the outcome: Genevieve Ryan. 

The Ah-has 
I began journaling and reflecting during this time. I gave myself space to process what I was going through. I realized that this most recent binge was truly something I have done my whole life. I would binge then follow that up by intensity of working out too much to combat it and/or significant food restriction. I almost shamefully admit that I am grateful for that intensity because it kept me from getting disgustingly fat (sorry if that offends you but that's the way I would describe what my mind would say about it). I knew I wanted to not only break my binge cycle temporarily, but reconfigure my relationship consistently. 

Pregnancy gave me a nine-month space to work on not binging. My previous motivation not to binge was just to not hate how I looked. But while pregnant, I had the superior and positive motivation to fuel my body and baby appropriately. I didn't want to binge because I knew developmentally that could negatively impact Genevieve. When I was diagnosed with prenatal hypertension, it gave me an even better reason to clean up my diet even more. I got into a groove of eating and craving my "clean prep" foods. Not because I cared how I looked, but because they made my body feel good. They enabled my headspace to feel clear and calm. And because I had months of being pregnant, it allowed me to develop a habit over a period of time. 

I carried this routine postpartum though initially I would overeat on the weekends but not go into a full-on binge. Now at six months postpartum I am in a pretty consistent 7-day routine and may have an occasional off meal or a few extra treats but I am valuing how good I feel all the time over the temporary gratification and comfort food provided. During pregnancy and postpartum I have relied mostly on walking in my neighborhood and yoga with an occasional workout or run intermixed. I eat the same breakfast and lunch and rotate healthy home cooked dinners. I bake and eat cookies and treats and continue to drop weight postpartum without tracking macros  or focusing on a strict exercise regimen. Basically right now I am working on a sustainable maintenance with food. Then I can add back in my physical endeavors too. 

I haven't worked out at a gym since October 2020 when I canceled my membership while pregnant after Andrew got Covid there. I didn't gain weight in my pregnancy until mid-late second trimester. I would never look at the scale at the doctor, but my OB commented on the fact I hadn't gained any weight (but baby was growing well). I lost all my pregnancy weight when I was 4 weeks postpartum. That was the first time I allowed myself to weigh and I remember being shocked since I ate a big deli sandwich for lunch everyday, snacked on cookies and granola and minimally exercised (I say this, but I still moved my body more than the average person but didn't have a regimented routine per my over-doing-it self). I was equally shocked when I'd look in the mirror and did not hate how I looked but rather could acknowledge this version of my body was just different. I can't tell you how actually big that was for me. I gave myself grace and found something to like and knew eating and fueling my body for the day meant I would have energy for Genevieve and be in a good headspace. 

Amazingly I found that by not fixating on my body or what I looked like and surrendering to pregnancy and postpartum, I was unattached to my body's appearance. And by being unattached and surrendering I naturally continued to like how I looked and felt. I do not think the goal is to not care about your image at all, in fact I do believe in certain regards the way you look does reflect your overall health (to an extent). And I believe there is value feeling comfortable in your own skin and clothes. Similarly I do not believe activities like distance racing or bodybuilding are inherently bad, and I plan to do both again. Only this time MY motivation will be different. Instead of competing in a contest because I am trying to outrun a poor diet or try to get to a body that I am not ashamed of, I will hold a different view: 

Now I will see the contest (and work that goes into it ) as a celebration of what the body can do. The process and training are rooted in the values of discipline, hard work, health, follow through, and overcoming a challenge. These are all values I wish to model to Genevieve. I will not do the "before and afters" because truly we only have "this version" of our body. In fact looking at my body as "this" version helped me cope with my pregnant body and feeling comfortable in it. Also from competing, I knew many mamas who had killer physiques and trained hard and didn't have "ruined" bodies from the process.The community is also a huge reason I love competing. The people I have met in these worlds are incredibly wonderful and inspirational. Continuing to build relationships with like-valued individuals is another benefit that these hobbies add to my life. I believe there is value of checking in and taking stock on why we choose to do what we do. 

My intention now isn't to go to an extreme. Of course, when I am at the later stage of a race prep or a cut for a show prep balance will temporarily be thrown off. But I am working on developing a long-term consistent diet and exercise regimen that adds to my life and fuels me with good energy and endorphins. Then I can lean in to the tougher seasons of certain stages of prep, celebrate, and move back into a balanced place. 

Awareness is so important. I say this because I remember saying "oh no I don't have an eating disorder, I can just eat a lot..." But after having awareness that emotional distress would lead to bags of chips (or two) and full peanut butter containers eaten (among other things), I forced myself to face the music. When I realized the ridiculous amount of hours I spent at the gym were because I was trying to work against myself: I lost the desire to want to be there at all. I do love lifting, I do love sprinting on the stair master, I do love a hard ass group fitness class. But I needed to step away from those things fully and breath and pull out completely. Because I am intense it is easy for me to go balls-to-the-walls crazy on something. But I am working on not being a flip switch, and instead trying to be a dimmer switch. There is power in my intensity but I am trying to illuminate brightly (all the time) and not short my fuse.

That being said: its why I do not count macros right now, it is why I don't have ironed out workouts and a prep plan. I know I can lean in to a plan too much and then I am not consciously choosing. To overcome this it needs to be a conscious choice: not something I am doing because a coach told me so. This does me I do not care at all or am willy nilly. I am working on intuitively eating because my body has to relearn what 'hungry' actually means. My brain always tells me I am hungry and I am never 'full' until I am busting at the seams (I wish this was hyperbole but it is not). I am relearning (or maybe newly learning) how to listen to my body and what it needs and fuel it appropriately. Preps have taught me how to balance a meal, rely on healthful whole foods, and know what it feels like to be in caloric deficit or surplus. I do not food restrict, judge myself for eating "bad foods" or withhold calories because I ate too much the night before. I jump back into my planned routine and let it go. 

For Genevieve 
Sure it is easy to say, "oh Kelly, you should do this for yourself..." Right. Got it. And honestly, I am. Except realizing that my interactions with my body, food, and exercise will impact Genevieve's self perception motivates me to conquer my own demons in a completely different way in addition to 'doing it for me.' And I am doing work on this NOW when she is a baby so I can have practice developing a healthier habit with food and image by the time she is *watching* me.  It feels pure and empowering, to be better for her. Being a mother has made me realize that the greatest value in life doesn't come from (or for) the self but in service to other. So for Genevieve, and by connection myself, I will continue to work to better my interactions with food and body image. 

I have already been reflecting on, brainstorming, and researching strategies to instill a positive body and food association for Genevieve. I am not naive, nor am I saying my actions will allow her to be free of negative feelings, but what I am saying is I am going to be intentional and try. This means that she won't see me pick apart myself, tout a fad diet, talk about weight loss or gain, point out a flaw in a mirror or picture. She will see me compliment myself, eat balanced meals and also treats in moderation. She will see me go through phases of being more strict during a prep, celebrate, and return to a normal "maintainable" pattern. We will give her a plate of food and say "here you go" and not comment on how much she eats, force her to eat, or call foods "good" and "bad." Just as kids do not need to "workout" (play IS working out...) we do not need to make her a nutrition nazi. I am not going to be a parent to police her to only eat "good" foods. Instead I want her not to see certain foods as (delicious) evils and others as (boring) angels. Lucky for her papa is a fantastic cook and nutrition doesn't have to come with a hit to the taste buds. I want her to simply know balanced and nutritional foods fuel your mind and body (and can taste good) and sweets treats and savory salty and cheesy things feed your mind and soul (but also need boundaries and moderation). 

My hope is that by creating an environment of positive self talk, Genevieve will develop an inner dialogue that does exactly that. Which means I need to model these skills to her and help her practice doing them herself. I hope that one day in her teens she might say, "ohhh, a balanced meal involves a decent lean protein, complex carb, and vegetable..." Not because I tell her this over and over in childhood. This will be her regular interaction with food at mealtimes. So I will  lead with the action so then she can learn the reasoning behind it later. I hope she'll value that a balanced meal leaves her feeling energized and satisfied and then be able to better parallel that to the stomachache that follows fast-food or a more indulgent meal (things I will allow her to have and do).

By mindfully parenting around this topic I hope to empower G to make good choices because she wants to, not out of shame or guilt. I am a firm believer that learning is experiential. She will not get her greatest ah-has from me telling her what to do or that eating too much halloween candy will make her 'sorry later.' Instead I will let her experience a bellyache from candy and talk with her about the feelings (without judgement and with neutrality). I am well aware of the pressures of people, media, and social media around weight and image. I cannot protect her forever from those voices. But I can bolster her inner dialogue. I will let go of what I cannot control and focus on what I can and provide more support if and when I need to. 

Current Pursuits 
Now I want to share a few interventions I am currently doing that aid me in my pursuit of reshaping my relationship with body image and food. I am ever building upon this list, nor am I perfect at doing these things. I am human, and doing my best and have and will continue to falter and learn more. That's life, that is being human. 

• Balanced meals: A meal for me constitutes a lean protein + complex carb + fat source + fruit or vegetable 
  • I usually have a fruit with my breakfast and lunch and a vegetable with lunch and dinner 
  • examples of lean protein: chicken, turkey, egg whites, fage greek yogurt, halibut (occasionally proteins with more fat: steak, salmon) 
  • examples of complex carb: granola (mixed carb + fat), oatmeal, white rice, sweet potato, russet potato, red potato 
  • examples of fat: egg yolk, nut butter, granola (carb + fat), EVOO from cooking, salad dressing 
• I make sure the snacks I have are satiable and nutritious but I do allow myself a treat each day too (I have gotten into baking and like to make and keep peanut butter chocolate chip cookies at the house) 
• Moving the body doesn't just physically improve your health but mentally and emotionally does too. It doesn't need to be intense (yoga practice or walking will do it) but do it regularly  
• Make it sustainable: Avoid going too extreme on your food or activity goals, you will burn out and the yo-yo cycle will continue 
• Do not see foods as good and bad: the key is moderation. I have gained weight being keto and overeating "healthy fats" like nuts, oils, and avocado. The key is learning that caloric intake matters and everyone's caloric intake is different. If you want to lose weight: MUST be in caloric deficit, maintain weight" MUST be in a homeostasis point of intake-activity, and if you want to gain weight: MUST be in caloric surplus *unless your hormones or thyroid are thrown off this is an absolute* 
• I use a "letting go" practice that allows me to "stop" my negative thought (seeing it as an opinion and not my identity), say "I do not like that thought." Ask myself "what feeling is here?" (usually pride, shame, or guilt), feel that emotion and let that shit go. 
• I know my triggers: bad night's sleep, increased stress, holding negative emotions, bad allergy days, unpredictability. I remind myself "oh you'll want to use this as an excuse to comfort eat.." and I fight the urge to do it. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I fail, but most of the time I eat an extra treat or two and move on. To be honest, that middle road often feels like the biggest win... 

I could itemize more things I am doing but it feels resonant to end this list here. I want to conclude by saying if you are struggling with your relationship with food and self image and you need someone to talk to: I am here to listen, share more details of my journey, and support you in any way that is resonant for you. I do not have all the answers, nor think I have it all figured out. Our bodies are not who we are. What they look like isn't of utmost value. I do believe that our physicality is a window into our mental and emotional health. I do not believe this from judging others, but rather because of my own learning about how the two are linked. If I am insane peak shape or extra thick, I know I am usually not in an optimal headspace. What I am also learning is to not judge, shame or pick apart myself. Not to tell myself to suck it up and just try harder. I am instead having grace, taking it smooth and slow, and finding a sustainable normal.

Last night we had Whattaburger. Normally eating a "bad food" would trigger me just to go fully "off my rocker" and snack and overeat. I would order the most indulgent burger and a larger fry. Instead I ordered a normal double cheeseburger and regular fry. I did eat some peanut butter crackers after dinner but I didn't need to go crazy (and we have pie, pretzels, M&Ms, and jars of peanut butter in the house...so I could have). I share this example just to say right now it takes more effort to maintain healthy boundaries with food (see how  I say boundaries now instead of control...) and I am here to say it gets easier with practice and when you have motivations that are empowering instead of judgmental. Soon it won't be something I have to hold in my mind's eye and I can flow with more easily. But just like learning to do anything: practice and time are imperative. Happy Thanksgiving! 

It is only fitting to dedicate my thirtieth post to the celebration of  Andrew for his thirtieth birthday. I had been brainstorming and was having a difficult time settling on what I wanted this post to be. Should I sing the many praises of Andrew? Ought I instead make it a gratitude post for the rock he is to our family? It wasn't until I was pouring my first cup of coffee at 5 am the morning of his birthday while the house slept that the topic came to me: a post about partnership.

Mostly, I do not write directly to Genevieve in my posts (though I am aware my last post used this voice as it was one of my 'quarterly letters to G'). Though for this post as well I will be writing to her about the hope I have for her to find solace and value in a meaningful partnership in her life. When I first thought of this the immediate image in my head was "I will write about the husband I want her to have." I checked myself quickly to remove the expectation that I have that she will have a husband (or even be interested in men). I too want to ensure that I am not projecting the partner that works best for ME as the partner that is best for HER (or any one really as all dynamics are different and can be equally successful). 

In a world where we are currently raised to focus on the individual, I want to highlight the value of partnership, leaning in, and trusting another to build a live together. While growing as an individual is important, I believe so too is it imperative to remember we can find a compliment to ourselves and we do not need to be everything to ourselves.

Don't Go It Alone 
You are of course an individual. Your individuality and self identification is important. That being said, there will be many versions of you as you progress through your life. You are never fully actualized. Therefore finding your partner should not occur when you are perfect or fully love yourself. All versions of you deserve love. Regardless of the phase or season you find yourself, a partner can enrich your experience regardless of where you find yourself in life. Remember to give this grace too to your partner. 

Don't wait for the 'right' time to find a partner. Instead be open to those around you. I never expected to find my husband in high school, and your papa is not the same man today as he was then. If I would have subscribed to the story 'I needed to date around' or 'was too young to have a serious relationship,' I would have missed out on holding onto the love of my life. Your partner may come into your life early, at a low point, or when you least expect it. Try to resist holding a story of why it can't work and just allow the relationship to organically be and become whatever it will be. I did not date your father and say 'this is going to be my husband' at 16 (he was awesome, but nobody is that awesome). I simply allowed us to go through that phase of life together and we continued to build upon each phase together (high school, college, and beyond). And I am so grateful for the shared construction of the life we are continually crafting. 

Be careful not to focus only on your needs, wants, and desires. By building a fortress fit for you, you will lead yourself to a life isolated. If your world is so perfectly build for one (you) there may not be room for another. Your partner is not an accessory to your life: they are a builder. Humans are social creatures, we need other. We strive for a tribe. Compromise is important here. There will be times where you need reconsider (or abandon) your plan or expectations. In fact, often having too specific of a vision of what you want (or think you deserve) can hurt you in appreciating the partner you have. This is not settling or giving in, it IS allowing the path to organically form. Be open, but rooted in your values. Lead with trust and remember that being heart broken and feeling is better than not loving at all. For you will recover and have a greater understanding of what you need in a partner.

Compliments: Not the Same, Not Opposites 
Your father and I have always said we fit together well because we are compliments. This means that he's good at what I am not and vice versa (or we each hate certain tasks less than the other). We are similar in the sense that we often enjoy similar things and have similar foundational values. Yet we are divergent. For instance, when completing your nursery, I would sketch plans for a side table, closet organizer, and bookshelf. Your papa would then build it. I do not need to be the planner and builder because we can each contribute our own part. One is not better than the other. I do not need to do everything, for I have a partner who can share the load with me. To feel empowered, capable, and strong I do not need to do it all. It is okay to lean in to your other. 

Above all this is what a partner does: share the load. This doesn't mean pressuring the other person to do something. Rather it means seeing what needs to be done and breaking and giving with who does what. I absolutely hate washing pump dishes. I can do it, but I really don't want to. When dad is home, he does them to lighten my load. He doesn't hate it like I do so it is 'easy' for him and much appreciated by me. When dad is dealing with something at work, he communicates the situation and seeks counsel from me on how to resolve the issue or better resolve the conflict. Papa loves cooking dinner and meal prepping, I bake and make the appetizers. By leaning in to each other and offering complementary skills and completing complementary tasks, we share the load and do not keep track of who does what or 'more.' So long as we are both content with our contribution, what ever the dynamic is is in fact adequate (regardless of the perception of others). 

We simply (and naturally) fill each others gaps and the needs of the household. I like to joke that I would never want to be married to myself, one of me is enough. I bring skills and value to our partnership but if I only had those skills and values I would not be as happy as I am now. Similarly if I found my opposite there would probably be more arguments and unsettling because usually opposites operate from different base values. Compliments allow sharing of responsibility. In a world where the woman is told to 'do everything for herself and never need a man' (insert partner) I hope you see the value in leaning in to another and DO NOT feel shame or guilt about NOT 'doing' it ALL yourself. 

Quality Qualities 
I cannot say what qualities you will hold to highest priority in a partner. However, I can share the few that top my list for you to consider for yours.

First is the value of having a growth mindset. Your dad is not the man at thirty that he was at sixteen, twenty one, or even twenty eight (nor am I the same woman). We like to say our relationship continues to deepen because we have grown together over the years. We have both grown and changed and sometimes you will feel the growing pains as your partner helps lift and challenge you. Do not fall prey to the "I can't change, this is who I am." We are all only ever becoming. Who we are and how we spend our time is a choice. Choosing not to change is also a choice. Remember, perfect doesn't exist. Therefore we hope that as we live our lives we continue to refine (and sometimes fully reinvent) ourselves and change (for the better). Our partner can help us elevate ourselves and we can be that same support for them, while giving grace to one another in the process. 

Seek someone who understands boundaries. This person ought to understand when a no is a no. This also means they need to help work with you to form the boundaries you share as a family (remember a family starts with two, you do not need a child to constitute a family). For instance, your papa and I have the boundary that we will not spend holidays in Saint Louis. We share the boundary of valuing  the dogs are with us and the formation of traditions in our own home over visiting our home town (which is not home to us). *Of course this is our own shared family boundary and not the right way for a family to spend holidays, no judgment if you do it completely opposite.* When we need to communicate with our extended family or friends we will often say "we need to get into alignment about _____." We share in the formation of the boundary and make sure both of us are in agreement about the resolution. We do not fall pressure to the desires of other, but hold firm on our family boundaries. 

Share your life with this person, do not merely live life adjacently. I find those with the busiest lives spend the least time with their partner, almost living two completely different lives. Burgeoning social calendars, travel for work, and myriad individual activities lead to a dynamic where two people share a home but are disconnected. You do not need to eliminate all the aforementioned activities, in fact a balanced and enriched experience for you and your spouse will enhance your life together. What I am advocating for is the pursuit of time together. 

Your dad and I have shared activities and interests that overlap. Whether this is working out together where I design and put us through a challenging leg day or your dad plans a fun day trip: we build time together. There is something special too about daily connection:  like our daily evening neighborhood walk, sitting down and watching a show (we both enjoy) before bed. Find someone whose presence brings you joy. Your dad is funny. We love constructing jokes and 'bits.' He is interesting and always sharing some factoid or bit of information he learned. He listens to me with undivided attention. And above all we can sit, not talking or can feel like we are together when we are doing our own thing in proximity to one another. 

Genevieve, I cannot promise you won't feel heartache. I cannot find the 'right' partner for you. I can only hope you seek someone who is best for you in that moment who continues to inspire and challenge you to grow and become. I hope you find someone who allows you to do this same for them. You must remember there is no version of you that you must become before you deserve the love of a partner. Allow the relationship to form and grow naturally and lean in to the person in that moment without trying to 'make' them what you wish them to be. Find alignment with values and boundaries.

After your papa finished his slice of birthday cake I made for him on him yesterday, he looked at me and told me, "In thirty years, you are my greatest accomplishment." And my darling I hope you find that: someone who chooses you and loves you deeply. For it isn't what we accomplish in this life but rather the meaningful connections we find, foster, and fondly hold in our memory. 

Dear Genevieve, 

We have enjoyed your company for half of a year now! Your papa and I have loved each day. You bring so much joy, laughter, and love into our lives. We cherish the memories of all those stages you are already beyond, and see you as the culmination of all those past versions that make up this (ever-changing) current (and adorable) version of you. We are so grateful to watch as your personality buds and your features and body bloom.

You are still very curious and relaxed. Though you definitely have intensity and sass when you are frustrated or are trying to communicate what you want.  You now love your rattles and do not seem to care when you aggressively shake them into your own head or belly. In fact, you seem pleased by your own power. You are very independent during play and love to roll about reaching and grasping your toys. Your pincer grasp has been impressive to us for months. You actually reach for and grab the little bell on your hanging mobile with so much care and precision. 

You have given up your love of ceiling fans and instead focus your gaze on your puppy dogs. You are sent into a full-belly fit of laughter when they bark and chase neighbor dogs along the fence. This is something that always drove me crazy, yet your giggles make me appreciate the previously unseen silliness of their fluffy butts running along the borders. You being here and being as you are truly has had an impact on your papa's and my outlook on many aspects of life. We are so amazed by the feelings you evoke and how you help us hold things differently.

You too have changed from clumsily taking your paci to being a full-fledged thumb sucker. We certainly prefer this, because you find it so easily and self soothe like a champ. You have slept through the night since we began allowing you to do so at four months old. You only occasionally need a bottle or some extra cuddles to fall back asleep. You love when we sing Barney's "I love You" song as we zip you into your sleep sack and so long as you are not going through a growth spurt, you do not want us to rock you to sleep but get cozy on your own in your crib. 

We enjoy our days and are venturing out more and more. You loved the Salado creek and were mesmerized by the clarity of the water. You flash a broad smile upon greeting all of our various neighbors and visitors to our home. You are relaxed on patios and while shopping. You love car rides with the puppies to get takeout, too. But you do not like being out and confined for too long, so we prefer to keep outings brief. 

Our daily routine is predictable and so much fun. We read books--rotating seasonal books has made the holidays feel extra joy-filled. I can't wait to build our library with each passing year. We also sing songs--you are loving "Silent Night" the most of our holiday jams and when papa pulls out the guitar and we sing "Rivers of Babylon." We do lots of playing too. During tummy time you stretch for toys and roll all around your room and play yard in the living room. Burlioz loves resting his head on the ledge of the play yard and watches you carefully as you go about your 'baby business.' Heidi still comes to sniff on you and kiss your feet. And your drool from teething rivals theirs! You can sit assisted on your chair, in my lap, highchair, and bumbo seat. It cracks me up the way you place on arm on the back of it like you're chilling hard (or lampin' as Leon on Curb would say). 

As we usher in a new phase of solid foods and more advanced movement and communication I am reminded that you will move through these milestones at the pace that makes sense for you. We are holding space and watching for ways to challenge you within your own unique developmental windows. We love watching you beam with joy as you do or experience something new or do something for the first time and are not preoccupied with racing through milestones. 

When I think back to one year ago, We had not yet learned you were a girl nor had we told family of your imminent arrival. So much change occurs in a short period of time. That is why all we can do is embrace whatever phase we find ourselves. The epithet that change is the only constant in life holds true. You will be a million different versions of yourself in this lifetime. I cannot wait to meet each one of them and love and support you in whatever capacity you want and need. I am here for you, and so grateful for how you are here for me too. 

I considered what type of poem I wanted to write for you in this letter and an acrostic poem seemed most appropriate. This is because you are really feeling like 'Genevieve' now and coming into your own self, and beyond the tiny-seed, newborn phase. 

G-E-N-E-V-I-E-V-E you are..
Generous with smiles 
Engaging and focused
Nearly always relaxed
Expressive and conversational 
Vibrant and as radiant as your eyes 
Impossibly adorable 
Endlessly loved 
Very snuggle-able
Ever becoming 

I love you so, and it is an honor to watch you grow.
Love,
Mom

 Honestly, I didn't even open my pump, bottles, or warmer prior to needing them. No, I planned to exclusively feed Genevieve from my breast and then after a few months I probably would want a break and would begin pumping then to build a reserve. This was NOT how the process unfolded. The process of breastfeeding has been a humble reminder of why winging it can be useful (and freeing) when our intention doesn't fit our reality. Goals are great to establish, and grace is necessary to come to terms with the reality of your circumstances. 

Background: Breastfeeding with an Oversupply 
I developed mastitis my second week postpartum. Instead of waiting to pump in a few months, I needed to begin pumping immediately.  The night I was symptomatic with mastitis, we began reading the manuals to figure out the pump and warmer. Thank goodness for a friend who noticed I didn't register for bottles or a warmer and got them for me anyway. Andrew began sanitizing my pump parts and our bottles (I seriously love my Doctor Brown glass bottles). Sometimes (okay maybe more often that we'd like to admit) you don't know what you need until you need it. I was nursing G, but still needed to pump every two hours to get out the clog and for relief. It took me a while to learn the pump setting that worked for me and my flange size (word to the wise get a feel for the sizing and fit you need prior to baby to avoid pain and discomfort and to appropriately empty yourself--but do not pump while pregnant as it can induce labor). I did all of this learning while trying to temper a 104 degree temperature and between convulsive chills that made my entire body shake--clearly not ideal. 

Between my abundant supply of milk and Genevieve's lazier method to drinking, I learned I was pretty much incessantly at risk for mastitis. In fact, I actually nearly got it a second time a few weeks later (all the early signs were there) but I fortunately could avoid a second round of antibiotics (though my doctor prescribed them and I have them on hand if I need them). To give you an idea of what I contend with I will give a brief list of interventions I utilized in order to continue feeding Genevieve at the breast while managing my oversupply: 

• Only pump when absolutely necessary as to not create an even greater oversupply (this would mean if I fed G for 30-40 minutes, I would then also need to pump before or after feeds and do all the accompanying dishes while trying to keep baby occupied or do it before she was awake and ready to feed)
• Could not wear a handsfree bra to pump; I actually have to pump one breast at a time AND milk myself every time to adequately work the milk out (insert deep sigh and eye roll)
• Haakaa with epsom salt in the shower (usually every third shower) 
• Daily sunflower lecithin supplement (a life saver to aid in milk flow, it doesn't aid in supply) 
• Wearing Silverlette cups over nipples (these look absolutely obnoxious but I have issues if I try to get by only wearing reusable breast pads, though my nipples are in great shape and I don't need to use any creams, balms, or butters because of them) 
• Must not wear a normal bra (or if I do not for long) because I will develop clogs (I have like 4 sports bras I actually like)
• Must breastfeed with bra and top completely off because I will get soaked from dripping milk 
• Must feed with a haakaa on opposite breast or my letdown would soak me 
• Must feed with a nipple shield 
• Must avoid foods that promote milk supply 

There is no other way to say it, than to describe breastfeeding as a labor of love. There was one point in the first few weeks that Andrew looked at me and said "I don't know how moms work out of the home AND do all of this..." Truly, if I would be working, I do not believe I could have breastfed for as long as I did under these circumstances (or if I did I would certainly be a mama who battles chronic mastitis). Some may read this and say, "why put yourself through this?" But I can say, as taxing as this phase of breastfeeding was: I truly loved it. I did not expect to even like breastfeeding, let alone love it. I looked forward to the quality time and I can tell you I didn't feel the same attachment when giving her a bottle. Any personal strain or discomfort was minimized by the physical and emotional connection I felt during the activity. While we introduced a bottle during my bout with mastitis, we did not give her more than 1-2 bottles a day. I preferred to feed her from the breast over her receiving a bottle. Though Andrew was very happy to begin sharing the feeding responsibility and the accompanying bond. 

While most women gush "LUCKY" when I tell them of my oversupply, they often cannot empathize with the strain, struggle, and stress of managing it. Did you know that breastmilk is not consistent? It actually changes throughout the day (for example it is more watery during the early morning due to loss of hydration over the night) but also over the course of each feeding. The initial milk, called foremilk, is more watery, hydrating, and gets the baby's appetite going. Then hindemilk follows, which is the fattier, more nutrient-dense milk. When mothers have an oversupply, the balance of hindemilk to foremilk can be thrown off. This can actually negatively impact the baby's digestion and nutrition. And alas, this was a problem we contended with. Genevieve was having very green poop, which is a sign of this imbalance. I began researching methods to combat this issue. I tried pumping out milk prior to feeds, something I didn't love doing because I worried the stimulation would further increase my supply. I even read that you can shake your breast prior to feedings to mix the milk--Kelis' song 'Milkshake' played in my mind and I rolled my eyes every time I attempted this, though it actually did help. The added dishes, attempts at perfect timing, and inconsistent results made me feel like I was constantly weathering a storm on a row boat. All the while, I still enjoyed feeding G and feeling her little hand wisp and dance on my chest and make eye contact as she fed. 

Around 4.5 months, Genevieve had started getting a few more bottles each day and began preferring them to feeding at the breast. She began turning her head at the breast (with my nipple) and twisting and turning in frustration. A lot. And boy was it uncomfortable. Certain feeds she would cry and struggle to latch when she realized she had work to do in order to get her meal. I would sometimes need to go grab pump materials, get my letdown started and pop her on and hold her frustrated head on to get a latch. Of course I could have continued to weather the storm, eliminate bottles, and require us to 'stick it out' at the breast. However, after contending with this (on top of everything else already mentioned) I decided to lean in to Genevieve's lead and switch to exclusively pumping. We switched one Tuesday cold turkey several weeks ago, and haven't looked back. 

How We Hold It Determines How We Experience It 
I want to take some time to describe the emotion behind this transition and how I chose to handle the situation. The phrase "they grow up so fast!" is often uttered. I hear it multiple times a week if I am being honest. I prefer not to cling to this sentiment because it feels like we are missing out and that time is being stolen from us. Rather I prefer to think (and say) "growth and development in the first year is so rapid." This is different because I am acknowledging that our babies change seemingly before our eyes but without the attachment that I am mourning the loss of the stages they have already moved beyond. I am grounded in my choice to be present during Genevieve's wakeful periods and to stay home with her and I do not feel a sadness for all the phases she has moved beyond. I hold reverence for all those phases of the past (oh my gosh those newborn full-body stretches), and I am grateful to have been present for them. Even Andrew who works away from home and is away for most of the day is focused on where she is right now so that he feels adequately filled up by the stages that are behind us. The only thing constant in this world is change, and we choose to surrender ourselves to that and feel a greater peace because of that outlook. All those phases of the past are built in the the tiny person she is in this moment and therefore they are not lost or gone, but rather a building block to the foundation of this present version. 

When I chose to make the switch cold turkey to all bottles I did not allow myself to cling to thoughts and judgements that would make me feel shame, guilt, or attachment. To me, the goal is always to ween Genevieve off the breast. Instead of forcing us both to continue on, I leaned in to HER desires and cues. I did not let my emotional attachment to our connection during breastfeeding sessions to make us force breastfeeding to continue. I still value feeding Genevieve with breastmilk and plan to do so for her first year of life, but I am unattached to how she receives the breastmilk.

I am comforted by the fact that we have all those special moments and memories of her feeding at the breast and will cherish them, but I did not allow myself to even think sadly 'this is the last time she is at my breast...' I could spent time and energy there but I chose not to. Instead I tell myself  "If I really need that connection I can pop her back on..." And guess what? I do not feel that need. Actually, I think as her mother it is important to check in on my motivations and make sure I am making choices that make sense for our reality and NOT my own emotional attachments. This perspective coupled with the more regular routine with pumping has made exclusively pumping feel less arduous and works for us in this phase. I also attach myself to the notion that we had so many breastfeeding sessions together that bonded us (and took pictures to capture the memory) and now when she bottle feeds I still see her connection and love in her eye contact and feel it in the way she squeezes and holds my pointer finger. The love and connection is there, albeit different. But the only constant in life, as previously mentioned, is change and this is just one of many transitions that we will experience of how our connection adjusts with age and time.

The Mechanics of Exclusively Pumping 
I want to begin this section by stating I am not advertising that anyone should switch to exclusively pumping, nor stating it is better or best. I am merely expressing what it looks like and the benefits it has afforded me based on our circumstances. There is no right way. I want to share how switching methods and navigating a new and different way gave Genevieve what she wanted while having mental and emotional benefits for me. 

Moving to exclusively pumping at 5 months postpartum afforded me benefits I hadn't previously considered. The first was that I could determine exactly how much milk I was (over) producing. Most women produce 24-32 ounces of milk per day. I was producing double that at 75 ounces per day (I could literally feed twins). Related, I could then pump at set times fit in to a routine and hopefully try to bring down my daily supply to be more manageable. Considering I avoid foods that promote milk supply and talking to my own mom about her abundant supply while breastfeeding, I believe there are certain biological and genetic factors beyond my control that will keep me overproducing. For example, during my first pump session of the morning (usually when milk is most abundant) I was pumping close to 30 ounces at once (basically what most women normally produce in one single day) and now I pump closer to 20 ounces.

 I could also determine how much milk Genevieve was eating per day. Genevieve was always a long feeder--during some cluster feeds she would eat for a solid TWO hours, though her normal length of breastfeeding was 25-45 minutes. I joked that Genevieve's cool and relaxed temperament were related to her life of abundance in that milk was never in short supply, and I do think there is some truth to that. Genevieve has always taken in more milk than average babies her age, and again I think this is related to the supply at her disposal.

Another benefit for me is I can relieve both breasts at one time. Since I produced so much, I could only ever feed Genevieve off of one breast. I would collect my letdown on the other breast with my haakaa and collect an additional 2-8 ounces per feeding. But with pumping I am able to drain both breasts and boy, the relief I feel is wonderful. Similarly, I am dry and need to change clothes much less often. Genevieve would just spit out milk, kick off my haakaa, and my letdown would leak all over me. It drove me crazy and not needing to contend with that has been very welcomed.

I am also better able to control the balance of foremilk to hindemilk because I can dump some of the initial foremilk to make bottles that are balanced and therefore aid Genevieve's digestion and nutritional intake. I keep five bottles prepped and ready in the fridge and usually one bottle drying on the rack/ out on the counter that is ready to pump into. I am mindful that upon first waking and last bottle of the night are 'made' roughly around the same time of day because she needs the more foremilk-dominant morning milk upon waking and the more nutrient-dense hindemilk concentration found in evening milk to keep her belly full through the night. Genevieve sleeps 10-11 hours at a time at night and I find if I accidentally give her a morning-pump bottle she will not sleep as long. 

My daily  pump schedule is as follows: 

• First Pump Session of the day sometime between 4-6 am (my boobs are a built in alarm clock and I wake and pump when they require it) 
• Second Pump Session of the day is between 9-10 am when Genevieve goes down for her first nap 
• Third Pump Session of the day is between 12-1 pm when Genevieve goes down for her second nap
• Fourth Pump Session of the day is between 5:30-6:30 pm when Andrew gets home from work and can occupy G 
• Fifth Pump Session of the day is between 8:30-9:30 pm which is just before we end our day and go to bed, though occasionally it is a bit later on weekends

Like anything, it is important to state that this is a loose schedule and I always ebb with the needed flow of a day and some days I may add more pump sessions if I ate more indulgently the day before or if our schedule deviates a bit from our normal routine. However, overall this is roughly the schedule I keep. Pump sessions usually take around 15-20 minutes total plus time to do the dishes. Doing pump dishes--for whatever reason--is my absolute least favorite part. I absolutely despise it. I don't know why, but I do. Fortunately, Andrew knows this and if he is home will grab them and handle it to relieve me of the duty and I am genuinely grateful for the 'break' of that responsibility.

Pumping does not result in the same happy connection that feeding from the breast affords. Many mamas I talk to actually despise it and have described pumping as 'sucking the life out of them.' I can empathize with that description since pumping is not my favorite activity, but it isn't the worst thing either. I hold at the forefront that doing this affords me the ability to breastfeed Genevieve (yes, EP mamas are in fact still breastfeeding their babies) while also aiding me in myriad ways that I detailed above. 

I truly believe fed is best. And while I anticipated feeding Genevieve from my breast for longer and in doing it exclusively, conditions required me to relinquish some of my preconceived expectations. By leaning in to the winging it I am better able to be at peace with what we have done, what we are doing, and embrace the next phase of change once we begin introducing solids next week. Yes, change is inevitable. Our littles grow and their needs adjust, if we release attachment and lean in to what this version of them needs, we can better service them and feel a greater sense of peace about 'the how' too. 

I like to think that I am an open book, especially if those pages can help or connect with someone on their own journey in some way. That being said: I believe in sharing different components of my own journey and experiences when it feels resonant. I am sharing this detail of our parenting experience not in the thickest of it, but still mid-process. I will start this post by saying there can always be something to worry about. Shoot, even in the absence of something concrete we often find ourselves waiting for that 'something' to reveal itself. 

We learned the Monday after Genevieve's birth that this 'something' for our family was going to be Genevieve's heart. I was at a lactation consultation where we received good feedback on my supply and Genevieve's latch with a shield. Of course the next day I became symptomatic with mastitis but that is something else entirely. In fact, I would take dealing with the worst of mastitis ten times over if I could avoid the additional news we learned that day. 

At the appointment, we had a doctor check in on Genevieve. After listening to her heart, the doctor gave us a concerning look and asked, "are you aware that she has a significant heart murmur?" This was in fact new (and worrisome) news to us.  No earlier checks at the hospital or at her followup appointments revealed this problem; nor had we experienced any symptoms of a problem (thankfully). I left that appointment feeling quite flustered. While I knew murmurs are common in babies, we were still concerned; the modifier "significant" rang in my mind and I had to deliberately choose to not think on it too deeply. 

Several days later at our two-week checkup with Genevieve's primary doctor, he confirmed the murmur as well. He said the murmur was so pronounced he could actually hear it over her breathing. She was developing well in all other aspects, but we left the appointment with a referral to a pediatric cardiologist and a pit in both of our stomachs. Being told to look for signs of heart failure in your newborn and what to do in case those symptoms arise is traumatic, no matter how positive your outlook. Due to staffing issues, the cardiology department tried to schedule us out over a month later. I challenged that timeline adamantly and managed to get them to see us in just a couple weeks instead.  

To date, we have had three cardiology appointments; they were when she was 1 month, 2 months, and 4 months of age. At the first appointment, she got a full ECHO, at the second she got a full ECHO, EKG, blood pressure test, and chest x-ray, and at the most recent she received a limited ECHO, EKG, and blood pressure test. I do not think I could ever appropriately describe how hard it is to watch your tiny newborn in a sterile medical setting, bound by a swaddle that keeps her chest bare while she has probes and an ultrasound reader scanning her chest for nearly an hour. Each time I would be curled up on the bed beside G: stroking her, talking to her, and keeping her occupied. I remember clenching my teeth and shutting my eyes in the first two ECHOs any time they played the loud audio of her heart. Andrew would comment after the appointment on how relaxed I seemed, to which I expressed I was very anxious but my priority was emanating calmness as to aid Genevieve through the processes. Genevieve was always so relaxed and accommodating, but the experiences still tore at my mama heart. I always left those appointments with emotional drain that would catch up with me an hour or so after the appointments. I also cannot imagine attending these appointments without Andrew there. As a note to any mamas who need to see specialists: just because you can go it alone, doesn't mean you should. Lean in to your partner and do it together. 

We learned Genevieve had two heart murmurs. Murmurs are often common and heal themselves and do not cause problems in babies. Genevieve had one described "common murmur" that was not a true murmur but rather was the result of a flap allowing blood to flow where it ought not be. This small patent foramen ovale resolved on its own via our 4-month ECHO. Genevieve's second (and true) murmur was our bigger concern.

The original classification for this second murmur was a small/medium peri membrane VSD. This murmur, we learned via our cardiologist at our second appointment, could result in Genevieve possibly needing activity restriction, heart failure medication, or even heart surgery at six months of age. At each appointment Genevieve's VSD appeared tighter (a good thing) and to show it was healing on its own (though it may never heal entirely). At our four-month check the doctor said he would now classify the murmur as "very small" and due to her age we were beyond the "critical period." That is not to say that Genevieve could not show signs of heart failure or that she's fully in the clear, but it is welcomed and reassuring news. As of now, the murmur is not obstructing any of the structures of her heart; but we will need to continue to monitor her murmur. We can expect continued appointments until she's 5 years old (at least).  

 Why share all of this? The details of her appointments are not the purpose of this post. I share them to give context to the 'something' we personally have been dealing with that we haven't let dominate our time and attention. What I really want to talk about is protecting your peace and preserving joy regardless of worries and concerns (that are inevitable). As someone who tends to be anxious and has perfectionist tendencies, it is easy for me to perseverate on the worst case scenario or what is wrong. That being said: I struggle to battle this orientation internally. This is why I am mindful of who and how I share information. I learned my lesson in pregnancy when some became too obsessed with details about my hypertension in pregnancy and interjected their anxiety onto me (talking about your blood pressure spikes does not actually help them, in case you were wondering). Andrew and I looked at each other in the elevator leaving the cardiology floor and he said "we are not going to talk to everyone about this, right?" To which I nodded with wide eyes. It wasn't until after this most recent appointment that we felt comfortable sharing broadly with friends, family, and to blog any of these details. We may have mentioned to some at a high level that G had a heart murmur, but most waved it away as 'Oh, that is so common, I know ____ who had that..." and we didn't elaborate further. 

I will say that I did confide in a select few with more details (leaning in and venting is important). I was careful to lean in to those who would not lead with fear and sympathy or too many questions. Rather those who would allow me to vent, be somewhat detached, and those who might have a deeper level of empathy (something they can relate to). I needed these people to let some of the steam out, but that wouldn't need to know all the details, check in, or make me think about her heart murmur any more than I needed to. There was nothing we could do for her but allow time to pass, so we needed to surrender in order to free ourselves of anxiety and worry. If she was going into heart failure and turning blue, it wouldn't actually help her if I had thought about it fifty times before. 

Genevieve is an incredibly happy, curious, expressive, and relaxed baby. She sleeps like a dream and rarely cries or seems irritated. I say all of this not to brag, but to give perspective. If I would focus too greatly on the one thing that is wrong, I would not be present and happy about all those moments that have nothing to do with her underlying heart condition. I was mindful to say, "I will not let this steal my joy." I would allow the thought to be but not judge it. Almost like the clouds in the sky, I noticed, acknowledged, and then grounded myself with what was actually happening in that moment. I chose not to google more information (I did not see value in becoming a VSD expert), avoided talking about it too often, or to think about the what ifs. I held in my mind the warning signs I needed to be aware of, I slept in her room in my reclining glider to be close by (since SIDS is often linked to an underlying and often undiagnosed heart problem), and I operated most of the time from the present moment--which had nothing to do with this background diagnosis. 

I think as people, we can fall victim to excusing our worst impulses. It takes conscious effort to rise above and work through those things. I want Genevieve to push beyond and challenge her worst impulses, and I am committed to doing that too. Children do as we do, not as we say. Integrity is everything, and I therefore want to model not letting pessimism or anxiety rule. If I would have allowed myself to worry, so many moments would have been missed. Instead of filling up during her naps on self-care or productive tasks: I would have felt terrible and worried. Instead of reading, singing, and playing with G: I would have felt terrible and worried. Instead of sleeping well when she did I would have (you guessed it) felt terrible and worried. Our reality is only our perception, and while we cannot control circumstances or events we absolutely control how we experience them. 

Our perception is a choice. Of course we all operate from different levels. But practice and conscious effort coupled with strategies can help us improve. When I first started deadlifting I wasn't able to do 305 lbs, but with practice and by challenging myself, that became my PR. There is always room for improvement, not because we aren't enough but because that is being human. I am grateful Genevieve's murmur is trending in the right direction AND this experience was merely a catalyst for the self work I needed to do. This experience enabled me to practice choosing joy over stress, fear, and anxiety. This then will better help me when a new stressor presents itself and will model to Genevieve the inherent power she holds in creating her own reality through conscious perception. 

Photo taken at Genevieve's third cardiology appointment after her EKG

Dear Mama, 
Regardless of when, how, or why you became a mama: I support you. Being a mama can feel overwhelming, isolating, and like any choice you make is up for scrutiny. I have made it a priority to connect with the myriad mamas in my life in pursuit of empathizing and understanding the different avenues that lead to a happy child and family dynamic. Guess what? There is no single *right* way. If you are *shoulding* on yourself: stop. If you are *worried* you aren't enough: know that you are. If you are defensive when talking to another mama who does "it" *better* than you: empathize that she is simply choosing what's best for her family. If you have AppleTV I highly recommend watching the mini docuseries: Becoming You. Andrew and I watched this while pregnant and again after G made her arrival earth side. This documentary follows over 100 babies and kiddos in their first five years of life all around the world. It exemplifies how a healthy and happy family look different for everyone. Regardless of the philosophy you subscribe to your baby will hit those milestones, become bonded and connected, and develop their unique identity. 

I find it so interesting to talk to mamas who are similar to me AND different from me in their approach to parenting. Not because I am judging their choices and how it impacts their kiddos, but because it helps me get clarity on what is resonant for me. I think we often shy away from conversations with those who do it differently than us for two reasons. The first is to protect ourselves from guilt or shame and to justify our decisions. The second reason is because we do not want to seem judgmental when we share a deviation from the other person's approach. I strive to communicate openly and with curiosity: not judgement. I challenge you to seek conversations about the different ways mamas do things and listen. Listen not to speak your defense, but to hear why it resonates for that mama. In doing so you are more deeply leaning into that relationship and connecting, and you might find a nugget organically in there for you that you hadn't previously considered. 

By seeking mamas who do it similarly to you, it may help you see that even those more like you, still do it differently. Even if your foundation or philosophies are the same, no two styles are truly alike. By connecting in to those similar to you, I think it can be an easier springboard into accepting other perspectives and strategies. There is comfort in finding those who are aligned to the strategies and values you hold. These are often the mamas that I go to first when I am feeling stressed or that I am struggling. This is not because I am seeking confirmation of my ideas, but because that mama is better able to empathize with where I am coming from in that moment. For instance, when I knew I needed to have a scheduled induction, it was INCREDIBLY helpful to talk to other mamas who had scheduled inductions *bonus points for the several mamas who also had elevated blood pressure (not preeclampsia) like me. Hearing them NOT describe a negative experience, but a positive one was SO helpful when I felt vulnerable about this element of my journey to mamahood. I of course still connected with mamas who had different experiences, but the most resonant conversations at that time were those similar to my journey. 

There really are an infinite amount of ways to do just about everything. Books that dictate a style, research to support the approach, and anecdotal stories can leave any mom or mom-to-be with whiplash. Here is where intentionality is key. f you are doing your best, using the best information you have, and are happy with the choice and dynamic for you, your little one, and your family then you're doing it right--because it is therefore what is right for you. I have genuinely enjoyed being a mama. I can't say I loved being pregnant. In fact, just yesterday when asked when we'd like to have Genevieve's sibling I immediately responded "I don't know, I don't even want to think about being pregnant." I find some feeling of shame and guilt in typing that, but nonetheless it is my genuine feeling. It isn't right or wrong, it is simply how I feel.

I think as mamas it is important to notice how we feel and the perspectives we hold. Noticing is different than judging. I can consider how I feel or a thought that comes into my mind and let it go. And then I DO NOT judge myself for the thought or feeling. If you don't practice yoga or meditation, both of these practices can help you notice, name, and move on from a feeling or thought. Most people find meditation intimidating because they feel they need to think about nothing. But really, meditation is simply a practice of letting go and non-attachment. Then, in real life when an anxious thought, shame or guilt creep in, you can let go and not attach more easily. By letting go of random noise or distractions in your practice, you've developed the "muscle" to do the same in a genuinely stressful real-life moment. 


So here's to you: mama or mama-to-be (or mama-to-be *hopefully* soon): 
Whether you love, hate, or feel detached from the baby in your belly: you're going to be an amazing mama. If you deliver your LO unmedicated, medicated, cesarean, induction, naturally, planned, or via an emergency procedure: you have a safe mama and baby and you did it right. Regardless of what you decide to do after maternity leave, as long as you're happy with the balance you maintain, that is what's important. If that means working away from home, working at home, seasonally working, side hustling, full or part-time positions the dynamic that suits your family right now is what is best. Whether you want to be the main caregiver during the day, utilize family members, rely on a school-like daycare, or at-home day care: your baby will learn and socialize and enjoy their day. Some need regular date nights or girls nights away from baby while others may just want a break to go to the store, do some self care, or hit the gym. Others may struggle leaving baby at all--listen to yourself and the timing and break you need. I personally cannot imagine leaving G with anyone other than Andrew right now and won't leave her for more than two hours. This doesn't make me love her more than a mama who wants a longer break, it is simply my personal feeling and preference for right now. 

Whether the topic is sleep, feeling, socialization, or enrichment of baby: there are a million-and-one options to choose from. Many experts are split on "the best way" so don't let anyone tell you which way is best--or that your way is sub par. Can't or don't want to breastfeed? That's fine, have you ever met an adult and been like "ohh, I can tell you got formula when you were young..." No, you can't. I have seen mama's say "I am not REALLY breastfeeding because I use a nipple shield," what an absurd judgement. Purees or baby-led weening? Your baby will learn to eat a diverse diet regardless. Does your baby bed-share, room-share, sleep in their own crib? Do you sleep train or rely on attachment parenting? I promise the best decision on sleep is the one that yields the best peace-of-mind and sleep for mom and dad--regardless of what the details are. Are you getting your baby out and about right away to experience all-of-the-places and meet all-of-the important people in your life? Are you keeping baby at home and keeping socialization to a minimum for your own reasons? Baby will be fine. Safety and socialization pros and cons are best balanced by mom and dad. Whatever you are most comfortable with is what is most important (if you're reading this as a loved one of a new parent: ask, don't assume and please avoid guilt trips and judgmental comments). 

Mama, by wanting what's best for your baby, you are already proving you are doing what's best for baby. There will always be new information, change in popular fads, and things you wish you would have known. Learning is experiential. You don't know what you don't know until you don't know it. Operate from a place where you try your best and are always free to shift or pivot. Connect with mamas who are like you and dissimilar to you, I promise both hold value. There is no place for competition among moms (we all probably have our own internal critic who is loud enough anyway). And for that reason, regardless of your methods, I support you and I know you got this. 

Dear Genevieve, 

You have been with us for three months, and already it is hard to remember life without you here. I am amazed by how independent and curious you are already. You love facing outward while rocking or when we carry you. But when you're having a hard day, you still love to tree frog sleep on my chest (even if you fight it at first). You love looking around and moving about the house; your chief responsibility is to spot the fan in each room. You don't show too much interest in your puppy dogs yet, but Burlioz is always close by and Heidi comes in to check on you and loves licking your head and smelling your diaper.

We spend most of our time right now at home and you definitely don't seem to mind. We read, sing, and play. You especially enjoy rhyming books and when we sing You'll be in My Heart, by Phil Collins. A song I sang in an elementary school talent show and a soundtrack I can't wait to experience with you. You don't seem to care about rolling yet or grabbing rattles. Instead you love to hang out and look out whether you're on your back or tummy. When I show you Foxy you get so excited and promptly place her in your mouth. You are so observant and love your mobiles on your play gyms and batting the items with your hands and feet. We joke that boxing or speed bag work may be in your future. 

You are so vocal and expressive. You and I definitely share these traits. You love having conversations. I ask you a question and wait for you to respond. When you do, I respond back and your eyes get so big and light up so bright. You seem to already be learning that your voice is powerful and people are listening to what you have to contribute. Your adorable little tongue still protrudes quite often, but it seems to be hanging out inside your mouth a bit more these days. You are liking a paci more and more to fall asleep, but you are terrible at holding it in yourself. You smile often, and are almost always kicking those feet and moving your arms about. You are a perfect mingling of chill and active, a dichotomy you share with your papa.  

When I think about the status of the world at this point in time it feels heavy. Yet somehow you being here makes it almost impossible to be bogged down with pessimism. Like Professor Dumbledore said in a book I cannot wait to read with you 'Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.' There is always something we can align to that is a source of light, I hope you always seek to find it. While we are amidst a pandemic, at a political stalemate in this country, and coping with climate disruption there are still positives to find. Throughout history there has been struggle, disruption, and disagreement. It is sometimes easy to think right now is the worst it has been because the history isn't ironed out and written down neatly in a book. Remember to hold perspective, to always do your best, and to seek out the good. Remember that each person, who believes similarly to or dissimilarly to you contributes something of value (even if it isn't easily discernible right away). 

There has truly been so much joy in these past three months with you. Watching you grow has brought so much happiness to our lives. When you were a newborn you hardly opened your eyes. Now they are open and round and seeking to make sense of the ever expanding world around you (and everything in it). You raise your eyebrows like Jack Nicholson and I don't think there is anything that makes your dad or me laugh harder. You are filling out, (slowly) growing your hair, and developing more of who you are meant to be. This morning while I journaled I thought about writing you another poem to include in this entry. When I thought about what kind of poem I wanted to write, quite quickly I realized a haiku is perfect to capture the essence of three-month-old you: little and impactful. 

From the smallest Seed 
you've already grown greatly. 
Grow wild, true, and you. 

With all my love, 
Mama 

When I consider the source of flow, balance, and joy I have felt postpartum, the adage "you can't pour from an empty cup" comes to mind. Genevieve has been with us for three months now and I am still genuinely surprised by the fact that I haven't felt like my cup has runneth dry. I would be remiss to say that I have been free from stressful moments, anxious thoughts, or worry. But what I can say is those thoughts and feelings haven't been a significant portion of my experience. While I will always express the important notion that what works for me will not inherently work for another, I did want to reflect on and share what elements have helped my cup stay filled. I will speak of my experiences beyond Andrew returning to work when Genevieve was seven weeks old, because that was when our "normal" family flow came to be. 

I believe strongly in holding intentionality, but without strict form. A structure with flexibility (hence the very title of this blog: Winging it with Intention). That means at the core of what fills my cup is intentionally considering what I need in the physical, social, and mental compartments of my being. I also keep the value of balance at the forefront of my mind; I try not to let my time and attention be too controlled by any single category. When I am able to get clear on what fills me, I am similarly able to notice what (and who) drains me. This allows me to create boundaries around those activities and relationships. For instance I am focusing on sustainability of exercise and diet and not allowing myself to go balls-to-the-walls focused. Then there are relationships I hold at a distance or avoid all together. Clarity comes from reflection and by continuing to ask ourselves "what do I need?" and then acting on those reflections.

Physical Space 
I am mindful about keeping up with chores around the house. Not because I care about guests or visitors finding a messy home, but because our physical environment is a reflection of our internal status. If my dishes are piled up, the floors are covered in hair, and my laundry is wrinkled and overflowing my laundry baskets, chances are I am feeling anxious, stressed, and out of sorts. Similarly, there is something soothing and charging for me about a hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I would rather wake up an hour before Genevieve does in order to calmly sit and drink my allocated two cups of joe. I often sit on our outdoor couch and listen to the birds chirp (and often neighbor dogs bark) and journal before the Texas heat becomes too intense.

While I try to accomplish chores around the house a little bit throughout the day, I prefer to accomplish one task right out of the gate: vacuuming. I absolutely need to vacuum my house daily (sometimes up to three times a day, a labor of love). Carving out time to get a little done as the day progresses is helpful; starting the day with the most impactful activities is essential.The tone can be set early, and if you are able to identify what sets you up to succeed, your headspace will thank you. 

Food, I would argue is also attached to physical space. Right now I am not tracking macros or subscribing to a plan of any kind. My intention is to listen to my hunger cues and find a good sustainable intake that enables me to continue to tone and shift away from the pregnancy body while maintaining a favorable energy level and mood. Andrew and I do all of our meals at home. We very rarely eat out at all. Therefore a grocery list and plans for meals and snacks that overall FUEL the body with some treats and delicious items peppered in keeps one feeling satisfied while providing good energy. I eat HEB bakery peanut butter cookies every single day. I also eat the same balanced breakfast and lunch every single day. I look forward to the things I am choosing to eat, and keep a regular time to eat (its the first thing I do when G goes down for a nap to make sure I get it in). Overextending and getting TOO hungry leads to overeating and choosing the wrong foods. Staying ahead of hunger not only helps me keep a breastmilk supply, but also keeps my spirits and energy up. 

Social Space 
Humans are social animals. While I may always have the company of my puppies and Genevieve, I know that connecting with friends, neighbors, and family is imperative to not fall into feelings of isolation. I try to converse via phone, FaceTime, or text chat daily with different friends and family. I prioritize this space more during the pandemic when I was staying home and more isolated. While I am sure for many, virtual isn't as good as an in-person connection, it helped me quite a lot. This is probably because I have many neighbors I converse with daily during my walks and therefore am able to feel connected to loved ones and those in my immediate environment. Not to mention in regards to my neighbors there are so many mamas or mamas-to-be and it feels great to connect with others at a similar *point* in our lives.

Andrew and I also try to prioritize time together in the evenings and on weekends while Genevieve rests. While I know some parents already would want babysitters and date nights, that is definitely not us. Watching an episode of Ted Lasso (highly recommend) cuddled up on the couch or getting sunburnt while having a beer and marg on the weekend is enough for us right now. 

Mental  Space 
I am someone with a very active mind and motor. That being said, it is vital for me to exert, challenge, and develop my mental self. This is one reason I wanted to start this blog. It is a space for me to focus, create, and connect with others on a topic that is resonant with this phase of my life. It also makes me more intentional, introspective, and curious about what strategies I implement and the general experience of being a mom. Another way I fill myself up is by continuing to participate in my women's mastermind group. A group of us around the country meet virtually every month with the intention of bonding, growth, and learning. I look forward to these meeting whether I am merely attending or leading a component of the meeting. I also partake in coaching conversations with friends and mentors. These conversations hit differently than just filling my social cup because the conversations are deeply stimulating and the level of connection and focus is different. By aiding others in coping with transitions, struggles, and projects I feel competent and deepen my own skills through connection. 

I also try to fill myself up by monitoring my intake of content. I listen to podcasts that make me laugh or involve interesting interviews and discussion. I love nonfiction audiobooks about self development and parenting strategies and philosophies. I am currently getting more into books on history as well. I feel like I am in the minority of women who simply *can't* with the murder and true crimes content (but to each their own). I also carve out time each morning to journal, usually while I have my coffee. I don't turn on the tv too much because I find that it drains me more than it fills me and I fall into binging whatever it is I am watching. Since I try to keep focus on G when she is awake, I like the flexibility of listening to something while she feeds but its something I can do more passively and turn off when its time to interact and play during her still brief wakeful periods. 

Time: another big one for me. My love language is quality time. This means I also want quality time with myself. When Andrew comes home from work, we seamlessly transition to where he can pick up on the baby care and I can step away to run an errand, take a bath, workout, or any other activity I would like without contending with the needs of a baby. Working out transcends the physical space for me and that is why I place it here instead of in my section of physical needs. Working out allows me to access endorphins, get my blood flowing, and do something challenging. This is a recipe that benefits your mental health. When I haven't really moved for a day or two in a row I can feel how much more anxious my mind is or how much more irritable I am. Going for a run, doing some yoga, doing some weighted supersets, or even just walking give me so much mental fill up. We often think (or tell ourselves) physically exerting takes away our energy, but more often I would argue you'll come away feeling charged and more positive than if you simply took a rest on the couch. 

Boundaries, Balance, and Flexibility 
Creating boundaries with how we spend our time and who we share it with helps keep us full. As a new mom juggling sleep deprivation, the never-ending needs of a little one, and a life with many other components: boundaries are your friend. There is no room for negativity. That being said, being challenged is a good thing for one's character BUT if someone is only adding toxicity or negativity from your interactions: it is not worth it. I had someone tell me prior to my induction "good luck however it goes" and who sent me a text erroneously criticizing me for the colors I chose to outfit Genevieve and her room  in (rolls eyes aggressively) the week she was born. Needless to say, I stopped conversing with this particular individual. No, it is not simply the criticism or silly detail about colors that did it for me. It is simply the energy this person brought to my life were more negative than positive and was not a relationship I valued keeping. I share this example not to tell you to ax anyone who makes you feel bad, but as a reminder that people can only bother us if we allow them to, the way to resolve that is by establishing new boundaries or eliminating that relationship all together. 

I am also focused on balance. Since the needs and whims of baby are pretty all-consuming, the more intentional I can be about balance the better I feel emotionally.  I need to check that I am balancing physical, social, and mental spaces. If I feel out of alignment, I am better able to check in to see where I am spending my time and energy and can course correct as needed. This also helps me plan how I need to use G's nap times or my time in the evenings when Andrew is home. Sometimes its yoga I need, or to spend time with Burlioz, or to get some chores done I didn't get to because G needed more holding during rest periods that day. I can check in on which aspect needs my attention most and get more bang for my buck out of filling my cup at that time. 

Flexibility is forever one of my favorite words (and values). This is because it helps me keep clear headspace more than anything else. It allows me to empathize when Genevieve has a tougher day and I cannot flow with our predictable routine. It also grants me freedom to deviate to something new or change my strategy based on a shift in the day or my mood. When I commit to a FaceTime call or someone coming over I do not get locked into the agreed upon time. Instead I say "what's a good time that we can shoot for and I'll let you know if that time still works based on G's routine for that day." I create a flexible agreement from the start so that I don't feel out of integrity when I need to move the time a bit or cancel all together. As someone who values being on time and keeping agreements, this spoken flexibility from the start keeps me from feeling rushed and frustrated. I try to meet the unique needs Genevieve has, and truly we cannot do that by planning it all out. Leaps, growth spurts, focusing on demand instead of a plan all make concrete plans difficult, so for now we are creating space only for flexibility. The only concrete agreements we hold for now are her doctor's appointments. 

Balance, boundaries, and flexibility are unique to each person. The priorities related to these tools that I outline are by no means the right ones across the board. By getting clear about how they can service you, your dynamic, and your family will enable you to keep a better mental headspace as you navigate each day and the agreements and values you hold. 

By no means do I constantly ask myself if I am aligned to my physical, social, or mental spaces. I do not obsessively check that I am balanced, flexible, or holding boundaries. When I journal in the mornings, I will notice what comes up for me, but I am not consciously focused on what does. Instead I may notice (like I did yesterday) my journaling was focused on 'doing' tasks. When I asked why that might be I was able to hold the thought. It wasn't until later that day when I was unloading the dishwasher that it hit me: I have not been able to get my chores done per my usual cadence because Genevieve is in her third leap and really requiring more holding during her rest periods during the day. So last night when Andrew came home I focused on chores instead of working out, a shower, or nap. My cup needed the most filling from the physical space and I could naturally utilize my time most meaningful from checking in with where I was out of alignment. By holding intentionality with these spaces I can notice when something is a bit off and fill my cup accordingly. I do this seamlessly and without much attention or focus. By having awareness around these different buckets and what I need personally from each one, I can keep myself from an empty cup. 

​I have noticed two distinct reactions to Simone Biles' self ejection from the Olympics. Camp one rolls their eyes at her lack of grit and ability to push through a mental challenge. Camp two celebrates her ability to prioritize her mental health above accomplishment. I have been thinking a lot about her decision and the enduring precedent of this moment. What does it mean for other athletes? Young women? Myself?

I am first immediately taken back to a moment in my own life where I was mentally struggling. I talk about this offline in intimate conversations but don’t really speak of it broadly. I had been running myself ragged: back-to-back bodybuilding competitions, commuting for work, two side hustles, and a job that involved many moving parts, rework, and time. I literally was waking up at 2:30 am to start my day doing cardio and answering emails before the gym (ridiculous, I know). But I told myself “I can do it. I just have to stretch a little more. I can get through it. It will be worth it.”

It wasn’t worth it.

Praise for accomplishments at work or progress towards my prep didn’t fill me up, but rather made me anxious about the next thing I needed to push towards. On the surface it looked like I was handling it all beautifully but I was melting down, depressed, and the stress made me physically ill (I developed a rash on my elbows and knees that immediately departed when I quit my job).

I am grateful for this time for one simple reason: it ripped me from the ‘grind it out, work harder, your worth is measured in output’ mentality. I ran myself so thin I had no choice but to take a hard look at my choices. I always say we learn the most from our best moments and our worst ones. This was a dark time, but one that holds so much value and impact on the choices I make now.

A turning point for me was just before quitting my job at an emergency therapy session. Andrew scheduled it close to work and immediately following my work day so I couldn’t refuse. He was a great support at the time, but loved ones can only do so much. 

At the appointment the therapist had me do an exercise: “You’re going to die in one year, in one minute write down everything you wish to accomplish, go.”

What if I told you I sat there for 45 seconds, unable to write down even a single thing? The therapist looked puzzled. I am not someone who cries often, especially in front of others. But my eyes would not stop leaking for the entire session. My tear-filled eyes found hers and I uttered “I don’t know what I am suppose to write.” The word ‘suppose’ is key. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I only had the thought of “what should someone’s list entail? What accomplishments would sound good?”

We sat in silence, I took a deep breath, and when she reset the clock I tried to consider what was really meaningful to ME. By the very end of the exercise (where time was limited to one day of living) I came to three things on my list: time with Andrew, my dogs, and twin nieces. With this genuine awareness (and awakening) the tears stopped flowing. 

The next day when at a work meeting where two vital people would be absent, and would inevitably result in rework, I was bolstered by the energy from the session the day before,  I simply stated “I can’t do this, any of it. I quit.” I drove home, sun on my face, windows down. By the time I got home the rash that had plagued my skin for weeks was gone, the weight on my chest lifted, and for the first time in a long time I laughed. 

As someone who has always put a great deal of value (if not all of it) on accomplishment and performance this was a tough blow for my ego.  I thought if I didn’t see something through the world (or mine at least) would crumble.

It didn’t.

Not only did my world not fall apart, it got better. I told my coach I quit my job and got a cheat meal and immediately reached out to contact about a job opportunity. While I might have just endured a forest fire, it was quickly extinguished and the land was quickly and visibly fertile. If I wouldn’t have left, Andrew would have never considered accepting a job with his current company that relocated us. We wouldn't be where we are and very likely wouldn't have Genevieve.

The physical, mental and emotional place I am in today would look completely different had I not ejected myself. Some transitions cannot occur with time and care, but rather need to be ripped off life a bandaid. When one is in a mental crisis--like I was or like Simone--the bandaid has got to go, NOW. An accomplishment is worth nothing if it costs you your peace. Grit is not doing something hard at the cost of yourself. Grit is overcoming something challenging that transforms you. I argue that Simone (and myself) were in fact gritty for stepping aside abruptly. Facing criticism and disappointment while  being vulnerable is a fucking hard pill to swallow. I would argue it is actually easier to push the needs of yourself deep down and achieve than it is to ask for what you really need: a fucking break. 

The place I find myself now is not only or authentic, but also more fulfilling. Happiness and joy were never priorities for me. 'Happy' was a word used to describe an accomplishment. I was happy to do something. But happy isn't a descriptive word for something, it is actually a state of being. Being happy has nothing to do with something, it has everything to do with oneself. 

I made a very conscious effort to remove myself from unending (and unhealthy) cycle of multitasking. When we are stretched so thin, we cannot really do anything well. There is this obsession with itemizing everything as a component to one's worth. Hell, even the way people talk about their hobbies has to sound impressive or yield additional income. Fuck. That. 

My challenge to anyone reading my rambling is this: 
Look at ______ in your life. What is your motivation for it? How does it fill you? 

If what you're doing costs you your peace each and every day, if you are constantly looking to the future when it won't feel so heavy, and if the greatest joy that comes from what you're doing is that it was hard and you're glad its behind you: it might be time to check your motivation. I believe wholeheartedly in doing challenging things and pushing past metal blocks. However, if you are doing those things to prove your worth or to chase happiness: you'll always come up empty. The only thing that exists truly is this moment. If you are always living in a space of anxiety and stress in pursuit of your goal, it will catch up to you. I would argue too that you need to dig deep, because at the surface I would have tried to excuse what I was going through or write it off as a beneficial: go below the surface and really reflect. 

Your worth is not in what you do. Your identity is not what you accomplish. If you were going to die tomorrow, would you want people to itemize the shit you did or bought? Or would you want them to speak of who you were and the connection you had? I know my answer. 

Simone did not make her decision lightly. She did not slink away in shame, but stood on the sidelines to root for her teammates. THAT is who she is. She thought her mental condition could cost her teammates any chance of medaling and said "I will step aside, but I will still be right here." When I quit my job, I still volunteered at a fundraising event that occurred later that month. It was not easy to see all those people who saw my struggle, AND I wanted to show up and help. Showing up despite the blow to one's ego: THAT takes grit. 

I share all things not for a pat on the back or for anyone to say "good for you." In fact, I cringe at the thought of some rah-rah comments. My intention in sharing this is to shed light on mental health. Because I doubt many people would think I would have this type of story to share. I think many people were floored to hear Simone Biles had this story to share. And I know so many more people have this story too (or are living it).

Making a hard choice holds value for our character (our being). Sometimes that involves seeing something through 'til the end. Sometimes that is letting go. I am grateful for Simone's public decision and grace. She is brave and from this moment, others may find the courage to be brave too. Before I would look up to and marvel at those who had packed schedules, loads of trophies, and accolades. Now I actually look at them more closely and more often than not I have pity. Pity because I know what it felt like being in that rat race and can feel the anxiety coming off of them and the sense of worth they are trying to find as they use words like 'busy' and 'crazy' to describe how things are going. 

There is so much peace in letting go of the ego's attachment to performance and esteem. There is so much joy in being present. As I turn thirty next week I remind myself that I do not need to be everything I will ever be by the time I am thirty. Right now I am a stay-at-home mom. Right now I get to spend each day appreciating the rapid growth of my daughter. I am not preoccupied with what else I could be adding to my plate. Right now I am not worried about what anyone else thinks I could or should be doing. I have space to breath and space to add more, and will as time goes on and I am able to say yes to things that genuinely fill me.

There are seasons to life, and Simone took extra care in watering her seeds in this season so she has many more to come, and for that I applaud her. 

The title for this post is quite appropriate because while it would have initially represented "sleep in the first two months" it now not only means that but also "the second draft of this blog post." I started writing this when Genevieve hit two months because our sleep routine seemed to really become consistent, then she entered her second developmental leap and for a couple days we were thrown to the wind on regularity. I paused and gave time to figure out what I really wanted to share as it relates to sleep (thus far) and scrapped my first draft. If parenting does anything, it certainly helps you edit and pivot. Instead of merely detailing our sleep progression and choices, I will outline a couple big picture ideas that helped and hold true (for our journey at least). 

Shifts 
At the hospital Genevieve slept soundly in her bassinet while swaddled. I kid you not the second we tried to do this at home she wailed like it was the worst moment of her life (heck, it very well could have been). Andrew and I looked at each other and I literally uttered "uh-oh..." to which Andrew responded wide-eyed "that's not good." We certainly expected disrupted sleep, but we DID make the (erroneous) assumption that we would be able to place her flat to sleep (at least some of the time). Because Andrew and I were navigating the baby-care ship ourselves, we knew getting quality sleep for us was a top priority and so we devised a shift system. I can say that since G came home I have felt rested each day and greatly attribute that to this system. Don't get me wrong, there are a handful of days I needed a nap, but overall felt rested and recharged using this system. 

The shift system was simple: one parent gets uninterrupted sleep in our bed and the other stays up or tries to catch some zzz's in a different room of the house while tending to any of Genevieve's needs during that time. What the parent on deck did during that time was up to them. Andrew and I made different choices based on our preferences. Initially I liked just having coffee on my late shift and binged a show or podcasts while chilling in the nursery recliner while G was in her crib. Andrew liked watching the NBA playoffs and holding G as she slept in the living room or slept in the guest room while G was in her crib in the room across the hall (and used the video monitor). We of course evolved the system as we went based on the needs of Andrew, Genevieve, and myself. 

Initially Andrew took the first shift from 9 pm to 3 am because he liked staying up for the playoff games. While Genevieve is only taking breastmilk, during this time Andrew would feed her a bottle so I could get a solid stretch of rest (or only need to wake up to pump and go right back down). Then at 3 am I would take over and Andrew would sleep until around 10:30 am or so. I loved this because I am a historically early riser and loved having coffee and watching the sunrise. In the first few weeks swaddling G was still a task (she can kick and punch her way out of any swaddle configuration and we are basically swaddle-origami masters at this point). We mostly let her sleep like a "tree frog" on our chest or next to us on her boppy lounger (I know, I know... not advised by "Safe Sleep"). 

We attempted sleep sacks of many styles, different swaddles and blankets, and ultimately settled on her personal favorite: swaddle blankets with velcro. She can still muster her way out of them, but not as easily. Around the same time we switched shifts: I took the 9pm-3am wakeful shift and Andrew took 3 am- 8 am shift (I rarely even slept that long... thanks oversupply). We did this around week 4 of paternity leave because this would be a more realistic shared shift style for when Andrew went back to work. I totally hated being up in the twilight hours and sleeping at the fresh start of the morning, but I settled into it. Initially I drank coffee just to stay awake (dosing in and out seemed worse than just riding out a wakeful shift). I even made meal prep and had a meal around 1 am (ground turkey, peas, and white rice flavored with Mrs. Dash southwest seasoning). Genevieve's need to cluster feed or sleep and eat pattern was too variable to plan or get solid rest so I just rode the wave for a while. But eventually she settled into a groove, and then I eliminated drinking coffee and my meal and slept around the times she did. 

When Andrew went back to work this system worked well for us. He was conditioned to wake around this time to workout anyway. Though at the time he moved his gym days to the weekend and weekday mornings were for baby care. At ten weeks now, Genevieve night routine now is such that I described I don't really need the 3 am shift change because I get enough sleep by ebbing and flowing with her sleep-feed pattern (plus I know Andrew values the uninterrupted sleep more than me). For the past few days we have not transitioned at 3 am and I just hold the entire night shift and it has worked beautifully. However, we hold the agreement that if we have an extra challenging night or if I am really exhausted that I will wake him and he will watch her from 3 am until leaving for work around 6 am. This concept of shifts started as shared responsibility and naturally evolved to fit the pattern that works best for all of us. The next step will be Andrew adding back weekday morning gym sessions and continue with me holding down her nighttime needs. 

Watch Bebe Not the Clock 
When determining and anticipating G's needs I am not overly concerned with the time on the clock. This is especially true for those initial weeks. I did not focus on when she fell asleep each night or nap, nor did I attempt to use an app to chart and find regularity. I took the position that the only thing regular about a newborn's schedule IS irregularity and intentionally chose to ebb and flow with her day-to-day variance. I can happily (and restfully) share that a natural pattern emerged, her day and night rhythms became aligned, and the duration of consolidated rest has continued to lengthen now that we find ourselves ten weeks into it. 

I use my background in child development but also dog training a lot here. Basically in order to establish a behavioral habit, we must first do the hardest thing: capture the initial behavior. Once that behavior is expressed, repeating it is a much easier process. For instance, getting Genevieve to sleep on her back and swaddled in her crib was not easy to capture. I made an effort to calmly attempt this at every rest period. I would then give her a modest amount of time to settle. If she began hard crying I defaulted to letting her sleep on me. We were able to capture this in her pack and play during the daytime initially, then her crib, then at night. And now she prefers sleeping flat in her crib and self soothes very well. This took weeks and patience to accomplish but was well worth the consistent effort. I believe if we would have had more hands helping or visitors early on this would have been hard to do. Namely because everyone wants to hold and interact with the baby and therefore the practice of putting baby to sleep on a flat surface for every rest period is not only occurring less often but also with greater variability in how it is done. 

The topic of infant sleep is a contentious one. The book that I utilize for the basis of Genevieve's sleep pattern is Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Baby by Dr. Weissbluth. I do not do everything by the book, but certainly subscribe to several foundational ideas. While I do wake G to feed (per my pediatrician's recommendation for her age), I am very mindful about how I wake her. If it is during the day I open her curtains and start to make noise in her room. She gradually will open her eyes and usually be quite happy. The biggest take away for me is that temperament is directly related to quality of sleep. Basically I understand that junk sleep is sleep that involves moving (rocking, swing, walking, or a car ride) and quality sleep involves non-moving sleep (on a still parent or in a crib). The movement impedes REM sleep. Also, quality of sleep is impacted by a routine. I will speak more to routine later, but by keeping errands with G to a minimum and her day and evening routines predictable, she sleeps better consistently and therefore is happier while awake. Another component of Weissbluth's I believe in is the need to put baby to sleep before the significant signs appear (drowsy but awake) because their presence actually means the baby is overtired and already should be asleep. I use the clock a bit here, and if she has been up for an hour to ninety minutes, its likely getting close to a rest time and I try to notice those cues. When her blinking and movements start to slow or she seems a tad fussy, thats the best indicator we need to go down, drowsy but awake. Lately we do a 5-10 minute comfort feed and then I swaddle her and walk away. She may chatter, have eyes open, or cry a little but usually within ten minutes (at max) she is down for the count. 

I primarily watch and respond to Genevieve's emergent needs, rather than trying to make her fit into the schedule most desirable to Andrew and I. When I see she is drowsy, though still fairly awake, it is time to begin the smooth process of a rest period. I wholeheartedly believe that this process of watching for baby's needs is easier when there are less cooks in the kitchen. Meaning Andrew and I are the ones balancing her rhythms and consistently responding to them. If we had more help it would likely help in the short term for that moment, but makes establishing a routine and recognizing cues less organic and smooth. 

Routine
At ten weeks I can say Genevieve's consistent schedule is as follows: 
- Wakes between 7 and 8 am to eat every morning and then goes almost right back to sleep for her first nap for two-ish hours. 
- Then for the day she alternates between periods of wakefulness lasting between one and two hours (sometimes she will stay up for two hours solid and then have a longer rest period) 
- She breastfeeds immediately upon waking and enjoys comfort feeding prior to most naps 
- We begin our nightly wind down between 9-9:30 pm
- Genevieve will wake to eat and go immediately back to sleep until she wakes in the morning (she most regularly feeds around 1 am and 4 am) 

Something people often love to say is "just wait until ...." when I say Genevieve sleeps well. I got this when she was a newborn and super calm and I get it now that I can say she is sleeping well. I am not in the habit of holding on to what might suck later, nor am I naive enough to believe this current schedule will be maintained forever. Just last week she had two days that greatly varied from this pattern when she entered her second developmental leap. What I appreciate most about noticing her routine is that I can respect and protect it and use it to anticipate needs. When she needs variance from it, we go with her actual needs in that moment, BUT by understanding her rhythm right now I can better plan when to take a shower, workout, write in my blog or plan when I eat without baby impeding. 

The place where our routine is still the most shaky is probably without surprise the evening when Andrew gets home from work and before bed. Andrew's return time home is variable, when we can do our nightly dog walk based on the Texas heat is variable, when she gets her bath and when we eat dinner and how we spend our time... all completely variable. That means we have totally had days with the fabled but totally real witching hour. I have found that it is easier to keep her happy during the evening when we ride the sleep/eat/ wake pattern used all day long. When we do this, she is just as happy and sweet until bedtime as she was during her morning wakeful periods. 

Dr. Weissbluth harps on how important it is to keep regularity in baby's schedule. While that often doesn't jive with the fast-paced and overflowing schedules of most, he describes how a lack of schedule and regularity of quality rest impacts temperament. Meaning even if you have a easy to moderate temperament baby, if she goes without quality sleep (day and/or night) regularly  then she will become fussy and crabby. Therefore if your baby is fussy and crabby, looking at your sleep habits and patterns could alleviate some of those problematic behaviors. Of course, there is a natural variability in temperament across individuals. I would place G in the easy to moderate temperament category. Kiddos who have a more challenging baseline temperament, gastrointestinal issues, or colic likely would need additional interventions or needs as well. I count my blessings in regards to G's relaxed nature, AND I still make efforts to preserve that condition. So far I feel like we did a great deal of winging it based on Genevieve's daily needs and I am impressed that with time and intentionality we have found a great swing of things thus far. 

Andrew and I relocated to central Texas prior to conceiving Genevieve; as a result, most of our family and friends live far away. This means having important people meet Genevieve is a bit more challenging to facilitate. People cannot just pop in for a one or two hour visit, but rather need to take a plane or several hour road trip with overnight stays. After being new parents for nearly two months, having our first visitors come and depart, and more on the way in coming weeks, I wanted to share some suggestions for guests (and new parents preparing to host them). Meeting a new loved one is an exciting moment, but it is important to remember it is a huge transition for new parents, and being considerate and conscientious of their needs and boundaries is imperative.

If you are a loved one who will be a visitor: you can ask the new parents how they need to be supported and be respectful of their boundaries. 
If you are a soon-to-be or new parent: consider these suggestions and get clear on your preferences. Then communicate your needs and boundaries to your loved ones (since personal preferences are variable).

ONE: ASK (& Don't Assume for All-Of-The-Things) 
By asking questions, you are taking the heat off of the new parents in a big way. You are communicating the notion "I am sure you have preferences, let me know how I can accommodate them." While meeting a new baby may also be a big moment in your life too, the new parents likely have quite a few loved ones who feel that way. This means that juggling the new and very irregular schedule and needs of a newborn combined with scheduling visitors can feel overwhelming. Asking questions can help both the guest and the new parents become clear on how to make the most out of the first visit. 

Some questions that can be helpful to ask new parents are: How long would you like us to stay? Would it be better for us to stay in a hotel or with you? What is the best method of transportation to get to you from the airport? Is there anything we need to do ahead of time to prepare for the visit? Is there anything in particular we should bring with us on the visit? What can we expect the day-to-day of the visit to look like? How can we support you? Would you like us to help care for the baby, if so how? Cook a meal? Clean? All-in-all there are so many ways to support new parents, and the level of support desired will vary depending on the parents. 

TWO: MAKE IT EASY (No Expectations) 
This one can be hard. This baby is likely not the first you have met (and maybe you have children of your own). This means you will naturally want to rely on prior knowledge or your  own preferences to determine how to be supportive or interact with the baby. But it is really important to remember that things change over time AND personal preferences vary across people. If you read this post and only take away ONE thing I hope it it this: DO NOT compare what you did or what another parent is choosing to do with the boundary of the parent you are visiting. Be considerate that the parent is making the choice that is most comfortable for them and what they perceive as safest for their baby. 

When I was growing up it seemed like an abundance of visitors in the hospital with any and everyone holding the baby was the norm. Beyond even our very strange Covid times, this is still not as commonplace as it once was. Even if the parents do desire visitors, hand washing, sanitizer, and other precautions are taken that previously were not. Another very important safety consideration that has changed over time is the caution against allowing others to kiss the baby. RSV is a highly communicable and dangerous to tiny bodies with new immune systems. Again, here every parent will establish boundaries aligned with their comfort levels. Some may determine that hospital guests are wanted, no masks are needed, and kiss away. I personally did not want visitors in the hospital (Covid made that easy). I also require anyone holding or in close proximity to Genevieve to wear a mask and wash thoroughly. And absolutely no one will kiss or put their face near my baby. 

Also, do not assume that all parents want or need the same level of support. For instance, Andrew and I prefer guests to be exactly that: guests. We handle all the baby care needs: diapers, feedings, changing clothes, etc. We want our guests to hold Genevieve or "coach" her on mat/tummy time. If she cries in the night, it is Andrew or myself who ought to respond and if my baby is crying while being held by another... give her back. Similarly I don't want them cooking, cleaning, or tending to the dogs. Andrew and I made sure we were in a good groove prior to visitors, and while well intentioned, it is simply easier for us to do it ourselves.

While these are my boundaries, other parents may absolutely love handing off some baby care temporarily to a visiting loved one, and that is okay too! Again, it comes down to individual preferences. So be sure to ASK what the preferences might be, don't compare what someone else (or you) wanted, and try not to have hurt feelings if the way they need to be supported isn't the way you want to support. 

THREE: ACCEPT (Without Push Back, Criticism, or Bargaining) 
Whenever I talk to people about boundary setting, it is rare that someone responds with "setting boundaries is easy." In fact, this is something I think just about everyone (if not everyone) struggles with. This is often because setting a boundary can lead to opposition or bargaining for the other party to get what they want at the expense of the person setting the boundary (insert guilt trips, eye rolling, dismissiveness, or passive aggression here). If you want to support new parents, then accept their boundaries and requests. Don't push back with your own preferences at the forefront, don't criticize or compare with what others are doing, and DO NOT try to get them to put a gate in a stone-wall boundary. Hurt feelings and passive aggressive responses are palpable. While some people feel guilt embarrassment to these responses, mine is to become angry and resentful. All of these responses are emotionally distressing, and new parents have enough on their plate. So even if you really disagree with the need to wear a mask, get a TDAP booster or flu shot, or really want to kiss that baby: don't beg, bargain, or criticize. I know from experience, making those decisions doesn't come lightly. 

FOUR: SAFETY FIRST (Newborns = New Immune System) 
I have touched on the safety concerns a bit in previous sections but it is so important I wanted to outline it again. Andrew has said several times how he is glad we had Genevieve in post-Covid times because masks are normalized. This not only protects G from Covid, but also RSV. Babies have emergent immune systems, so what may be a mild cold or cough for an adult or child can result in a hospital stay for a newborn. For this reason more than any, I ask anyone at this time to wear a mask while holding G. When we have guests we only require them to wear masks in the house if they are very close to (monitoring for tummy time) or holding Genevieve. We will do photos outside with Andrew or I holding G and the family around us for a mask-free photo, but otherwise it is masks on for now. Also, while I had heard of the importance of the flu shot for those wanting to visit baby, I had not heard of the need for a TDAP booster. My pediatrician was insistent that anyone visiting needed to get a TDAP booster to protect G from whooping cough. Basically if you've had one within 5 years, you're good; but if not, then schedule an immunization prior to your visit. Remember the mild inconvenience of a shot or mask results in protecting that sweet little one you can't wait to meet. 

With every safety boundary I have established, I have done so with the confidence of G's pediatrician. Doctor's suggestions vary. What mine may suggest may differ from your own or another baby you've recently been around. AND you don't need to tell a new parent about that. My pediatrician expressed taking significant caution: mask up, get immunizations, and limit contact. Therefore that is what Andrew and I have done and will continue to do. We had planned a trip back to Saint Louis for the fall, but nixed it because our pediatrician felt the time of year (flu and RSV season) prior to G being six months old was not an ideal situation. Andrew and I also choose never to travel to Saint Louis during the holidays or winter months, so that pushes our trip to next spring. A choice met with some disappointment, but rooted in reasoning too. 

FIVE: ENJOY (Bonding Together) 
Boundaries are not about rules or restrictions. Boundaries are helpful in maximizing the quality of the relationship and time spent together. During your visit simply enjoy each others company, including the new bundle. Bond and interact within the established boundaries. Talk about the baby but also don't talk about the baby! New parents are still fully-formed people and want to hear about you and talk about things beyond baby. Keep in mind too mom and dad may not want to share every detail (especially medical details) with you. So keep those questions general and broad unless they seem to want to share more. 

Remember too that new parents are figuring out and jugging a lot (on significantly disrupted sleep). So DO NOT add unnecessary burdens onto them. This means sort out your own travel details, do not try to stretch a trip beyond the length of time they ask you to keep (I know probably shorter than desired), and just keep the attitude that you are supporting these new parents how THEY need, not how you WANT to support them. 

I wrote and deleted several drafts of this post. When I wanted to consider how to reflect on one month with our sweet Baby G many different ideas came to mind. Do I detail things that happened? Do I outline Genevieve's temperament and strategies we used? Then I decided to ask myself a question: what learning was the most meaningful? I then knew what the focus of this piece ought to be: the top three lessons learned in our first month with Genevieve. 

One: Partnership is Imperative 
Even though we have added the needs of a newborn, Andrew and I have felt well-rested, kept up with the house, continued to cook quality meals at home, and have kept stress levels low. I know having Andrew home for six weeks has been instrumental in keeping our physical, mental, and emotional space clear. Beyond Andrew just being home, he fully embraced being hands-on and helpful with all of Genevieve's needs. Whether it was figuring out how to file her teeny tiny nails, patiently wiping away all the meconium, or assisting me before and after feeding sessions, Andrew was not just there, he was attentive. 

The most beneficial decision we made about Genevieve's care was to focus on parent shift sleeping. While many people ask us how Genevieve is sleeping at night, we understand at this age expecting a patterned routine is simply unrealistic. Instead of us both getting disrupted sleep from her waking and feeding in the middle of the night, in our bedroom, we decided to do something different.

Initially, Andrew would take the first shift awake from 9 pm to 3 am. Before I began pumping to have bottles, Andrew would wake me briefly when I needed to feed G. However, after we began using expressed milk in bottles, he doesn't need to wake me. Then I would be awake and responsible for Genevieve from 3 am to 10 am. Andrew liked this because he could watch NBA playoffs and I preferred my shift because I enjoyed watching the sun come up and prefer the early morning. Now that we are getting closer to Andrew's return to work, we have switched shifts in order to get used to what our routine will be when he goes back to work. Once he's back to work, Andrew will wake and watch Genevieve from 3 am to 6 am so I can have a better stretch of sleep. 

During our shifts, one person sleeps in the master and the other keeps Genevieve in her nursery or in the living room. We are continuing to work with her on sleeping in her crib and swaddled and she's making great progress self-soothing and falling asleep drowsy yet awake. Some nights the parent on shift can squeeze in some extra zzz's and sometimes that person is up and attentive with more fussing and a need to hold. What's nice is this isn't us both trying to sleep and then picking the short straw for who needs to try to soothe her, but is already a set system. We then update each other on how our shift went and any notable details. Communication helps us stay aligned and also helps us anticipate the other's needs. For instance if one parent had a tougher shift, the other would try to ensure that parent got a nap later that day, etc. 

I cannot imagine what my mental and emotional headspace would be without having Andrew home for six weeks. Nor can I imagine having a partner who defers all baby responsibilities to me, the mother, and acts as a babysitter himself (more common than it should be). I've felt well-rested and happy postpartum and I know that's greatly thanks to a great co-parenting dynamic. Each co-parenting dynamic will look different, but I definitely recommend connecting to iron out each other's individual needs to make things work as optimally as possible in the transition to parenthood. For instance, Andrew would drive me and Genevieve to target and sit with G in the car while I could shop alone to give me time away but also be close by (what I need right now). Then I ensure that I check in with Andrew on good days for him to go to the gym. We look out not only for Genevieve's needs but each others too. 

Two: Less is More 
While Genevieve has a generally relaxed temperament, postpartum life is still an all-consuming transition. Andrew and I kept a tight lid on visitors early on, kept a very light and flexible schedule (beyond the myriad appointments for all three of us). By making fewer commitments I believe our transition to parenthood has been smooth and allowed us to minimize stress. By keeping days free and open we were better able to get into good grooves, rest, and make sure the everyone's basic needs were met. We weren't racing around with a newborn, over extending ourselves by socializing and hosting guests, and could naturally flow with the needs of that day (cluster feeding takes up a lot of time, y'all).

I believe if we would have had a busier schedule and more visitors, I would be more stressed and taxed. While I was pregnant I was often told I'd regret or wish I had more helping hands around during our transition. While this may absolutely be the case for some, I wholeheartedly disagree. I LOVED having just Andrew and I home to navigate our new dynamic together. And even with the best intentions, anyone else would have gotten in the way and been more of a burden than a blessing (sorry not sorry). What's important is knowing yourself and your preferences and figuring out what fills your cup and what drains it. Also: set boundaries and do NOT go against what YOU need in this important life transition because *someone* is using guilt or emotional appeals for their own desires. I talk to many mamas who say "I really wish I would've held off on guests for longer..." I have yet to hear anyone who DID hold off say "man, I really wish we had more company..." An additional benefit of a lighter visitor load is safety of not exposing the newborn to illnesses that their new and developing immune system would have a hard time battling. A fever in a baby younger than 3 months results in a hospital stay and spinal tap: count me out. 

I also believe by  having less on our schedule and being less extended Genevieve's temperament and disposition have been more favorable.  With the exception of a couple evenings or days that she was extra fussy (natural and no doubt attached to a growth spurt or irregular schedule with doctor appointments), Genevieve is very easy to assuage. Because we are home, we can easily facilitate her nap or her meal time. We aren't rushing to finish her feed (which often lasts 30-45 minutes) nor are we waking her from a deep sleep to take her out and about. We plan our activities of the day around meal and rest times. We also realize that there is a difference between quality sleep and junk sleep.  Junk sleep is any sleep involving motion (including walks, swing time, car rides, etc.) and quality sleep is in a crib or fixed, non-moving position. We focus on maximizing her quality sleep and if that interferes with something we would have liked  to do or accomplish that day, revise our plan or push it to another day. Early weeks with a newborn is not the time to measure productivity. So keeping the mindset of less is more as it relates to your productivity is important to keeping a positive headspace, too. 

Three: Non-Attachment Creates Peace & Presence 
I have found to be true that attachment, ego, and strict adherence to anything lead to anxiety and negativity. Prior to giving birth, it can feel comforting to have a plan for how you'll tackle all things baby. Personally, I tried to focus on absorbing information while leaving space to determine strategy based on Genevieve's actual (not perceived) needs. There are a multitude of ways to do just about everything, and often the arguments are polarizing and positions staunch. Truly what's most often best is actually somewhere in the middle and not an extreme. 

We have been intentionally fluid and non-attached to all of our processes and it has allowed us to better respond to Genevieve's needs and to reduce the tension of one parent having the right way. Instead of leading with strategy, we allow what actually is in that moment to be and then respond using a strategy that makes sense. Then if it doesn't work we try, try again. 

For instance, Genevieve has some serious leg and arm strength. She can punch her way out of any swaddle in seconds. We have googled countless different ways to swaddle and it took us many attempts to find one that actually works for her (at least 80% of the time). And even now, we still experimenting with other methods. Just last night I tried a specially designed swaddle blanket that didn't work earlier that worked great last night. It is a lot of trial and error and it doesn't help to count how many failures it took to get it right. 

More importantly still, attempt to fight the urge to attach to the *what could be wrong or worst-case-scenario stuff.* There is literally always something you could be worrying about (even in the absence of a catalyst is the fear that it cannot stay perfect forever and something will go wrong). Just like everyone, we had our share of a couple red flags or things to monitor. While of course there ought to be space to feel those emotions, don't fuel the fire by fixating and worrying about the worst. 

When we are preoccupied with what could be wrong or might go wrong or how something could negatively develop we are incapable of being present. When we aren't present we are not seeing what actually is. Fear lives in the future and unknown; but we can only respond to what's imminently before us and should keep our focus there. When we aren't present that is when time seems to escape us and feel sorrow that we are missing out. 

I am not someone who is constantly presently focused. On the contrary, I simply hold the intention of being present at the forefront of my mind and course correct when I catch myself not being present. I do check ins during the day: a quick pause to see how I am feeling and where my focus is. Catching myself googling rare disorders for instance is NOT being present minded. I would redirect my attention to my immediate environment and always feel greater ease and joy. 

One thing I try to do, and it is especially easy to do with a sleepy  newborn, is turn off technology when G is awake. When her eyes are open I pause the show, set my phone aside, and choose to interact with her. Whether I am reading her a book, talking to her and touching her face, or doing time on the mat I want to be intentional about spending quality time with her when she is alert. This helps me appreciate the growth and changes she is making and not long for the time one or two weeks ago. It allows me not to feel sadness about the changes. I was present and carry those memories with me and feel a greater sense of happiness for the current stage she is in. 

Our first month with Genevieve has been wonderful. Each day with G has brought more happiness and joy into our home. I laugh when I recall Andrew getting poop on his face by scrunching down too close when changing a diaper. I feel utter elation when I smell and kiss her soft head that feels like a fussy peach. Or even guilt when G cried out in discomfort from a rogue saline drop entering her eye. A wealth and depth of emotions were experienced in month one, and I know that will only continue from here on out. 

With Andrew returning to work in a couple weeks, we will continue to rely and adjust our partnership for our family to thrive. We will focus on not attaching to a plan or to potential stressors and we will hold space for space and remember when there is less we can appreciate each moment more. And above all, continue to love and soak in all the wonderful moments with Genevieve. 

While I wholeheartedly believe "fed is best," I knew personally I wanted to exclusively breast feed. Honestly, I didn't even want to pump. While I ordered a pump through my insurance to have on-hand, I expected to use it a few months in and only on a need-to-have basis. However, reality often doesn't go as planned. My first few weeks breastfeeding have been quite interesting, and I want to share not only my experience thus far, but also some items and knowledge that have aided me. 

My Experience
When I was in the hospital, my colostrum came in thick and quick. Genevieve's larger tongue made an initial latch a bit clumsy, so a nurse offered me a breast shield and we got an instant latch. When I saw the lactation consultant the following day she was impressed by my supply and techniques I was using to feed. She thought I was a nurse based on my knowledge and approach, but I expressed that I was simply attempting to be relaxed and flexible and had done some research about methods and practices during pregnancy. I scheduled a lactation appointment the following week to check in and focus on latching without a nipple shield. 

The nipple shield not only protected my nipples from chapping, but also made the pain of breast feeding go away almost entirely. I might feel a bit uncomfortable the first minute or two, but overall I was surprised by how easy it was to feed Genevieve. Early on after feeds, I would apply an organic nipple butter to prevent irritation. 

By day three my colostrum changed to milk. I was incredibly engorged with both breasts having excessive amounts of lumps (giving new meaning for me when Fergie sings "my lovely lady lumps..."). Literally it felt like I had swollen glands throughout both breasts. If I massaged or tried to rub them out, I was mostly ineffective. I was uncomfortable but not in pain. I assumed that this was normal and just a strong initial reaction to milk coming in. I assumed as the supply of milk settled from feedings, all would resolve itself; I was wrong. 

On Genevieve's one-week birthday, I had my appointment with the lactation consultant. We worked on latching without the shield. Due to my fast let down, abundant milk supply, and Genevieve's larger tongue: she was a lazy drinker. This meant she could get an abundance of milk without doing much work and therefore less stimulation to my breasts. This meant I wasn't being emptied appropriately. The lactation nurse recommended that I purchase a haakaa (a what?) and that I pump to empty the breast after each feed. 

Initially, I chose to ignore both of these pieces of advice. I ignored the haakaa advice because it was a silicon suction cup to catch the let down from the opposing breast (used for feeding or pumping). I assumed this would catch a small dribble and was simply unnecessary. I ignored the pumping advice because I read that pumping early on would result in an oversupply of milk--something I already had and didn't want to intensify. Two days later, I had a 103 degree fever, convulsive chills, and a red mark on my left breast: hello mastitis. 

At this point I went into mastitis management mode. The symptoms came on in the evening, and so we scrapped our plans to have neighbors visit and cook dinner. We ordered door dash, quickly sanitized and prepped the spectra breast pump, opened the glass baby bottles and bottle warmer we thought we wouldn't need for a couple of months, and I started taking Tylenol to combat the flu-like symptoms. I added lactation storage bags and a haakaa to my amazon cart.  I messaged my doctor about everything I was doing that night but expressed the likelihood that I would need antibiotics. Even with Tylenol my fever stayed above 100 degrees and peaked at 104. Fortunately we got the antibiotics the next day and I began (reluctantly) taking ibuprofen as well (RIP stomach, hello yogurt). 

Within 48 hours of antibiotics my fever stayed below 100 degrees without Tylenol. The ibuprofen helped with the swelling and clogs. The worst part about the antibiotics was that I had to fast two hours prior to taking the medicine and one hour after; I had to take the medicine every six hours. It was a constant challenge to not be too full or too hungry during this window. Thankfully the yogurt helped my stomach with the ibuprofen. But as someone who avoids medicine and likes to ride it out with sicknesses, I was so over the medication schedule. 

During all of this, I had to pump every two hours and continue to feed Genevieve. I was feeling pretty exhausted and fortunately Andrew could help by giving Genevieve a bottle. Initially she did not want the bottle when Andrew offered it; earlier that day she took a bottle from me no problem. I used a body hold and held the bottle similar to the way we had been breastfeeding. When I showed Andrew the method, G took the bottle with ease. I was slightly stressed the next day when I tried to breast feed and she was fussing and pulled away--she had been a good feeder and never given me any trouble previously. I worked through it and got a latch and while that one feeding was more challenging, I have since had no problem going back and forth from breastfeeding to bottle. 

My pumping process was  obnoxious. I could not simply sit and let the pump do its thing. No, I had to bend over parallel to the ground, massage and milk myself and even then more clogs would form (in both breasts) and I never felt like I could completely empty myself. I was only getting about 1-3 ounces from both breasts combined at the time and was feeling quite frustrated. I knew mastitis could temporarily reduce one's supply but wanted to make sure Genevieve was getting enough. Fortunately at her 2-week appointment she surpassed her birth weight of 7 lbs 1.8 oz and was a whopping 7 lbs 6 oz. 

After a couple days my supply resurged and I would get upwards of 16 oz of expressed milk from pumping and the haakaa at one time (the haakaa is now is my best friend because it is convenient and I get SO MUCH MILK. Not to mention I am no longer excessively leaking into my bras and shirts. I did not understand that when you stimulate one breast with baby or pump the other releases milk as well. For me this wasn't a simple dribble but consistently 4-5 oz. I use the haakaa at every feeding.

Recommendations
I finished my antibiotics and am now taking certain precautions and using specific tools to avoid reoccurring mastitis (fun note: a couple days ago it felt like I was developing mastitis again already in my other breast...). I will itemize these items below with links for reference:

Sunflower Lecithin (supplement): I have heard from several mamas I know and through many social media groups that this supplement is a must for preventing clogs and mastitis. I asked my doctor if I could add this to my routine and he agreed so long as I found a reputable brand since supplements aren't FDA regulated. Since taking this my clogs are easily massaged out and my milk flows more easily and freely when I am pumping. I feel like I am now able to actually express my breasts adequately and they feel SO much better. I take them with dinner because milk supply is most abundant in the morning plus I would feel most engorged during sleep and the early morning so I figured this time of day would be optimal, so far so good. 
https://www.amazon.com/Carlyle-Sunflower-Lecithin-1200mg-Softgels/dp/B07G7HSQK9/ref=sr_1_5?crid=3KJ8AEX87OKEH&dchild=1&keywords=sunflower+lecithin+capsules&qid=1623418911&sprefix=sunflower+lec%2Caps%2C198&sr=8-5

Haakaa: So good I bought two. These are super cheap and incredibly effective. I bought two because I use one during breast feeding and pumping to catch the other breast's let down. I purchased a second because I read that epsom salt and hot water in the haakaa can help soothe nipples and help work the clogs out. I have used my haakaa for this twice and will be doing so much more frequently. It offers so much relief and does help with the clogs. The reason I got two was because I want to make sure the epsom salt isn't in the milk I catch in the haakaa. If you are breastfeeding, you NEED a haakaa even if you don't have the issues I have dealt with. 
https://www.amazon.com/Haakaa-Breast-Manual-Silicone-Breastfeeding/dp/B07CWK4S5W/ref=sxts_sxwds-bia-wc-rsf-lq2a1_0?cv_ct_cx=haakaa&dchild=1&keywords=haakaa&pd_rd_i=B07CWK4S5W&pd_rd_r=cab0be7f-069d-45c0-8392-0f1f592debd7&pd_rd_w=JvEae&pd_rd_wg=pO6yn&pf_rd_p=6b8835ed-96d6-4089-a8ed-3370ca81c53d&pf_rd_r=QQFB3M8MB16333CGATH1&psc=1&qid=1623419260&sr=1-1-18e0f783-7b71-42f0-a291-5a15b3cb969e

Epsom Salt + Coconut Oil: Beyond smelling absolutely amazing, the coconut oil really does help soothe the nipples and the epsom salt in the haakaa helps to reduce inflammation that causes the clogged ducts. 
https://www.amazon.com/Dr-Teals-Coconut-Soaking-Solution/dp/B06XYGL2Z8/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=epsom+salt+coconut+oil&qid=1623419358&sr=8-5

Silver Nursing Cups: Expensive but 100% worth it! While I initially started with a nipple butter post feeds and a reusable pad, I was leaking through my shirts a lot and the pads would get soaked and that would irritate my nipples. These cups naturally function as an antimicrobial and can treat pained nipples but also PREVENT issues. I use these cups, with a couple drops of breast milk and then cover with a reusable pad and have zero issues and the pad, bra, and shirt stay dry. Plus I no longer need to use a cream or butter to soothe the nipples. I basically wear them all the time but once a day I rinse in warm water and leave to dry. 
https://www.amazon.com/Silverette-Original-Silver-Nursing-Cups/dp/B00D4MWKNQ/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=3N52DB6M23C7E&dchild=1&keywords=silver+cups+breastfeeding&qid=1623066066&sprefix=silver+cups+%2Caps%2C277&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFOVUdaWDlHVlVUU1QmZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTA5MjI3NTZISVZOSlBCVFhYOEgmZW5jcnlwdGVkQWRJZD1BMDcyOTQ5NzMwM0VLSElWQzE1STEmd2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGYmYWN0aW9uPWNsaWNrUmVkaXJlY3QmZG9Ob3RMb2dDbGljaz10cnVl

Reusable Nipple Pad Covers: See the link for the ones I like most. I tried a different kind of reusable pad that had a soft fabric and it irritated my nipples. These have a better cupping shape so they don't rub the nipples as much and absorb leaks better. 
https://www.target.com/p/lansinoh-washable-nursing-pads-4ct/-/A-75568309#lnk=sametab

One of the book titles I read in pregnancy about breastfeeding definitely resonates with my experience with breastfeeding thus far: Breastfeeding is a Bitch But, We lovingly Do It Anyway by Cassi Clark. While there are definite pains and frustrations that are inevitable with breastfeeding, it definitely feels worthwhile. I really enjoy the quality bonding time with Genevieve during feedings. She tends to feed for 20-40 minutes and with bottles is sometimes fussy after feeds, but from the work and exertion of breastfeeding she's much sleepier, relaxed, and "milk drunk." Midway through the third trimester I developed carpal tunnel and trigger finger. Unfortunately they haven't subsided yet, and therefore expressing is more uncomfortable in the moment and bothers my hands more (fortunately soaking in epsom salt seems to help). 

Overall, I have had some hiccups and challenges with breastfeeding. Honestly, I think everyone does. I can say that breastfeeding hurts less than I thought it would. Though I think the breast shield (that I am still using) helps. I might be in mild pain for the first two minutes but then the pain subsides. It feels like a worthwhile endeavor and one I plan to "lovingly do anyway" at least until the time feels right to wean (which I believe for me will be sometime after 6 months and no longer than 12 months). 

Throughout pregnancy we often were asked (and reflected on) how we thought Heidi and Burlioz would respond to Genevieve. I expressed Burlioz would be underfoot and Heidi would watch from a slight distance. I can say after nearly three weeks together that my assumptions were accurate. While early on the dogs would retreat to a far room or the backyard to escape Genevieve's cries, they now rarely lift their head. The dogs love sniffing Genevieve, especially her diaper, fingers, and toes and love giving her a lick on the back of her head. Transitions can be cumbersome, though thus far Genevieve, Heidi, and Burlioz all seem to have easily acclimated to one another. 

Early Establishment 
We set up the nursery and had baby items out and in the house well before Genevieve's arrival. I would read and relax in the nursery's recliner regularly. I believe these changes in setting prior to baby's arrival helped the dogs adjust to changes more easily. If we would have changed the environment abruptly as we brought home a new (and occasionally loud) little person the dogs would have likely felt more uncertain and unsettled.

When I was still in the hospital, Andrew brought home receiving blankets from Genevieve's birth for the dogs to smell. We did this in order for the dogs to understand her smell and to familiarize themselves with it prior to bringing home baby. Andrew placed the blankets in the swing and the dogs smelled them, but were much more interested in Andrew's attention. 

First Meeting
When it was time for Genevieve and I to return home the following day, we chose to be intentional about how we entered the house. Since we got Burlioz at the start of the Covid lockdown, he had never been away from me. Heidi has only been separated from us a couple times as well, and we knew they'd be very excited when we returned home. I entered the house first, alone. I asked Andrew to give me a solid two minutes before bringing Genevieve into the house. The dogs went crazy, circling and smelling me. I walked to the couch and Burlioz jumped next to me, wrapped his head around my opposite shoulder and rested his head heavily on it as if to give me a big hug. When Andrew entered the house he calmly put the carseat on the island counter and greeted the dogs as well. Next Andrew grabbed the carseat with G nestled inside and carried her to the nursery. He placed the carseat in the crib. The dogs then could smell and hear Genevieve but with ample space and a natural barrier between them. They were curious, but still very interested in Andrew and my presence. 

Next we took Genevieve out of the carseat and I held her in the recliner. Andrew continued to interact with the dogs and they head tilted to her sounds. At one point Burlioz barked at her noises and we corrected him verbally. He understood and refrained from doing that again. Early on Heidi seemed sensitive to the crying. She'd nervous yawn and retreat, asking to lay on the back patio or climbing onto our bed to relax away from G. Though if G was crying and we weren't tending to her needs Heidi would find us and cry as if to tell us we needed to soothe the baby. Burlioz was more relaxed and chose to lay just outside the nursery or in his favorite spot: resting his head on the window ledge in the nursery. 

Building a Bond
Over the next couple of days we'd hold Genevieve to the dogs to smell, or let them interact with her on a boppy lounger. We were mindful that they didn't lick her face, fingers, or toes but did allow them to lick the back of her head. They remained curious about her movements, sounds, and our new routines. As each day passed they seemed more calm and relaxed. They wanted to interact with G more and more and never showed signs of jealousy or frustration. We were still careful about letting them get too close for too long to allow brief and fully positive interactions. 

A huge factor in the dogs' positive reaction I believe in the fact that we prioritized their needs too. While I nursed, Andrew would lay with the dogs on the nursery floor and pet them. Andrew kept with their two walks a day and continued to take them on car rides, which they love. I made sure that I was loving on them and petting them as well. They still had couch and bed privileges, too. I wasn't able to go on walks with the dogs yet, and Burlioz would come running to me when Andrew would get the leashes out as if to say "come on mama!" We joke that Heidi is Andrew's partner and Burlioz is mine: both dogs throw a mild fit when they don't get to walk with "their" person. But Burlioz would still go and enjoy the exercise. 

We were also intentional with how we corrected and responded to the dogs around the baby. We never yelled or pushed them away. We never blocked them from rooms or shut them out of spaces. Instead we would use "eh-eh" and keep a mild tone and use how hands to naturally block Genevieve's face if they were too close. The dogs calmly readjusted using these mild cues and would give slightly more space or settle calmly nearby. We wanted the dogs to be able to understand giving G space was necessary, but not that they were bad or wrong for being curious or interacting with her. We wanted Genevieve to be associated with good stuff, not with negative reactions or experiences. We cannot expect dogs to know exactly how to respond to a significant disruption in their environment and routine and need to be patient, loving, and guide them. Early on Heidi was a bit more overstimulated and fixation with greetings, so I would have to use my body to block her and elevate my voice more to break into her fixation. She never expressed aggressive or negative behavior, but I also wanted to ensure she wasn't overly stimulated or fixated on the baby. After the first couple days this wasn't a problem at all and Heidi would more calmly check in and then give space. 

The dogs love looking for Genevieve in the house. They will commonly smell her, where ever she is, and then still go to other "baby places" like the crib, swing, and pack-and-play almost to see if another tiny person is around too. They love her company on walks and regularly stop to check that she's still in the stroller. The first time we attempted to walk as a family I was only going up our street and turning back; Andrew then planned to complete the rest of the half-mile walk with the dogs alone. However, when I turned back the dogs became unsettled and after a brief attempt by Andrew to continue forward, he gave in and turned back. The dogs pulled him the entire way home where they then quickly inspected Genevieve. They already saw her as part of our family unit and didn't want to be away from her. 

Some of my favorite moments are of Genevieve, Heidi, and Burlioz interacting. I knew watching them bond would melt my heart. I am not someone who could put the dogs on the back burner now that we have a baby. I still prioritize snuggling my giant furry babies and love seeing how they take to G. I know watching Genevieve grow, play, and bond with the dogs will bring much joy. Similarly, I look forward to seeing how G's presence enriches the dogs' lives. We may have to vacuum and lint roll regularly, but that is a small price to pay for big love. 

Genevieve entered the world on Monday, May 17th at 6:45 at 38 weeks and 4 days via a planned induction. Overall, my induction experience was positive. I had some apprehension about beginning labor before my body and baby were "naturally ready." However, based on my consistently elevated blood pressure, my doctor assured me that inducing between weeks 37-38 would be safer for me and baby as well as minimize the likelihood for a c-section. Looking back now, I am actually very happy that I was induced. For my personality, knowing when I was going in and when the process would begin was very calming for me. I want to share all the details related to my induction (probably TMI but the TMI stuff was most helpful to me when I talked to women prior to labor and delivery).  It was really hard to find podcasts or birth stories about induction as those things aren't as celebrated or on-trend like natural birth methods. Therefore I am going to share all the details in hopes that it may help someone else in a similar situation.

My induction process began Sunday night. We arrived at the hospital at 10 pm and the cervical ripening process started around midnight. Genevieve's head was down and she was situated really low. This made placing the balloon to ripen my cervix difficult because the doctor had to work around her head: lots of pressure and it took a while. Then I was given a medicine vaginally called cytotec to aid in the process. Initially I had planned to send Andrew home that night once I got situated to keep things as normal as possible for the dogs. However, when I started experiencing the contractions for this process I changed my mind and had him stay.

At my 36-week check up I was tested (like all pregnant women) for GBS. This is an innocuous bacteria that is found in one in four pregnant women. While this bacteria is harmless to adults, it can be dangerous to a baby born vaginally. I tested positive for this. All this meant was that I received an IV with antibiotics throughout my labor; this basically eliminates the risk of the baby being negatively impacted. Since I was being induced, this was easy to facilitate but if a woman is GBS positive and goes into labor its imperative she goes to the hospital early in the laboring process in order for them to get the antibiotics in her system. So early on I found myself in a decent amount of pain from the cytotec contractions and my arm hooked up to an IV. I chose to have Andrew stay because he could help me to the bathroom and be there as a support. Luckily we had amazing neighbors volunteer to help with Heidi and Burlioz. Due to the pain, I opted for pain medicine during the cervical ripening process. I did two rounds and BOY am I glad I did. I immediately could relax and get some rest. After I reached 5 cm dilated, the balloon basically just slipped out and fortunately those uncomfortable contractions ended. 

I joked with Andrew that the pain of those early contractions made my consecutive contractions with pitocin, the medicine used to create artificial contractions, seem like nothing. I was warned how pitocin made more more painful contractions and was a bit nervous about them. But for whatever reason, they weren't bothersome to me. In fact, if it wasn't for the monitor I was attached to telling me I was having contractions, I wouldn't even have felt them. And at this point the pain medicine I previously had was out of my system. Occasionally I'd feel a mild cramping in my ovaries and need to take deep breaths as a contraction passed, but I was not feeling any pain. I knew I wanted an epidural, and frequently was asked when I wanted it. Since I wasn't in pain, I opted to wait. When they were going to break my water I decided I wanted the epidural prior to my water breaking. This is because contractions can become intense quickly and progress can happen rapidly. I wanted to ensure I could be still for the epidural and therefore thought for me that would be the best time for it. 

If I had one thing to say about my epidural it would be this: hallelujah. I would get one again in a heartbeat. Placing the epidural took a bit of time because I could not easily get my back into the slouchy bad posture they required (the joys of a strong back and good deadlift form...). And funny enough, a neighbor was the one who administered my epidural. Talk about a small world. Once I got my epidural, a doctor broke my water (I felt nothing) and then I took a nap. Thanks to the pain medicine I chose to receive, I was able to rest and relax throughout my labor process. This not only gave me strength and energy at the pushing stage, but also had me feeling refreshed and great in my postpartum recovery. 

One side effect that I experienced during labor that was unexpected was vomiting. I did not throw up a single time during my pregnancy. I was nauseous in the first trimester but never threw up. Three different times--all during transitional phases of labor--I threw up. I was told this is fairly common, but was surprised since I hadn't heard of this happening. I was not nauseous the whole time, but each time I would suddenly feel a lot of saliva in my mouth and need to spit. I would throw up for a couple minutes and then feel 100% better. I hadn't eaten solid food since 8 pm on Sunday (at this stage I was well into Monday) and I was glad that I was exclusively on clear liquids only. 

Throughout the induction, Genevieve's vitals remained constant, my blood pressure was never problematic, and every time I was checked I had progressed in one or more category (dilation, effacement, and station). While the process was long, around 18 hours, it did not feel cumbersome or lengthy. In fact, it felt like each stage was separate and passed quickly. One very useful tool to help me progress and change positions with my epidural was a peanut ball. I would move into different positions to help the labor progress and it was quite comfortable as well. 

After a while I did start feeling uncomfortable. The doctor came in to check the epidural because I felt like I was feeling a lot and had an impressive amount of control still over my legs. We opted to add another dose of pain medicine. We went back and forth on this but after receiving it I felt INSTANT relief. I took a long nap and when the doctor returned to check my status, she informed me it was just about time to push and I was 9.5 cm, 100% effaced, and G was in the appropriate station. This timing worked perfectly because my main nurse (another great neighbor) who had been an INCREDIBLE support throughout the entire process was off at 7 pm. Genevieve made her arrival just in time at 6:35 pm. 

The doctor reminded me that first time moms often push for 2-4 hours and to prepare myself for this part taking a while. When I was about to have a contraction the doctor would ask me to push hard for a count of 10 seconds, take a deep breath, and repeat. Soon after I started pushing she informed me that I would not be pushing for hours, but more likely minutes (thank you years of consistent ab work). Early on the doctor mentioned that Genevieve's head was turned and we needed to correct its position. She said normally this alone takes 30 minutes of pushing and I managed to do it in a couple pushes. While I did have the epidural I can say that pressure IS pain. I cannot (and never want to) imagine the pain of the ring of fire without an epidural because it was TERRIBLE even with one. While I was a trooper and cracking jokes and pushed hard for most of the pushing process, the last ten minutes were rough. I cried and screamed and the nurses hit my button to administer more epidural. Genevieve was so low, her head was popping in and out, and the monitors were bothering me between contractions (they were not internal monitors but the pushing of them on my pelvis was so uncomfortable, albeit necessary). When Genevieve came out she immediately screamed and I uttered the words "it was definitely worth it." I have never felt a greater sense of physical (or mental) relief. 

The nurses and doctors were all shouting "happy birthday" to Genevieve and she was placed on my chest. We delayed cord clapping until the pulsing stopped and the nurses were inspecting her on my chest. They noticed her arms were a bit limp and asked if they could take her to more closely inspect her. I immediately thought of another Mike Birbiglia joke about how "they are called vitals not optionals" and quickly okay'd the request so that G could be more closely observed. She was fine and was then replaced on my chest to attempt breast feeding. I was shocked my colostrum was already in and with the help of a nipple shield was able to get a latch.  

I totally forgot I had to birth the placenta and when they asked if I wanted it, I quickly waved it away. Similarly to when they asked me to look up at the light that acted as a mirror in labor--the medical visuals were a no-go for me. After that, the doctor gave me necessary stitches. I had a level 2 tear with stitches in 3 different places. I felt lots of pressure as I was stitched, but tried focusing on the cute baby on my chest. Those first couple of hours with Genevieve (and honestly hour and day that followed) were so wonderful.

I want to express a word of caution for anyone overly committed to a birth plan or journey. You simply cannot predict how it will all go. For instance, I had a scheduled induction; but my doctor was not able to attend my delivery. She was sick with a high fever and was unable to come in for the induction. Fortunately the team of doctors I did have were absolutely amazing. While my heart was in my throat and I was slightly nervous when I first heard MY doctor wouldn't be there, I quickly warmed to the idea of trusting the experts I did have, and they were attentive and wonderful. I believe my attitude and flexibility benefited me. If I would have been wrapped up in my doctor being there, I cannot imagine the stress or worry would have benefited Genevieve or myself in any way. I remained calm and attempted to rest at any opportunity and while I had challenges, discomfort and disruptions at times, I am so happy with the labor and delivery experience I had. Each birth journey is unique. And regardless of the process going as planned or with pivots: the outcome of meeting your child for the first time is well worth it all. 

Slowing down, being exactly where you are, and minimizing mental and technological distractions are the essence of being truly present. This is a value Andrew and I practice in our family. Being present with those first few moments with our new daughter and each other as new co-parents is something important to us both. While we are excited to share Genevieve with her family, our friends, and the world she is about to enter, we too plan to cherish that initial time slowly and exactly as we want to without worrying about the wants of others. 

Since I am being induced, I have a scheduled date and time that the process will begin for Genevieve's arrival. We have chosen not to share that information with family, but rather gave them a window of the week to expect her joining us. I can say, this is partially due to the response of some who seem to be bracing for complications in delivery and the worry they're attaching to it. While I empathize with their genuine love and concern, I do not wish to make that energy part of those early moments and will not be rushing to update them on a play-by-play basis of the likely long induction process. If they had a date for induction, I know some would be waiting with baited breath and I would feel guilty or more compelled to be on my phone and answering the questions as it relates to THEIR needs rather than focusing on the needs of Andrew, Genevieve, and myself. And in those first hours as a new parent I plan to be selfishly and fully present with our nuclear family. 

Something I have done since Tucker was sick with stomach tumors is practice using my senses to connect with the present. Tucker's condition progressed rapidly with symptoms developing, his diagnosis, and passing without euthanasia all occurring in less than seven days. I would get on the ground with him and just be with him. I would look at him and simply watch the way his chest raised and fell as he breathed under my hand stroking his fur. I would feel how soft his coat was beneath my palm. I would smell the top of his head which mingled the scent of vanilla shampoo and earthiness. And I would listen to the soft snores as he rested near me. I would not allow the negative thoughts of "whats going to happen and when" encroach on those moments. I did not have my phone to take a picture or video or to passively peruse while being with him. No, I was simply BEING with him. And as I wrote the description above I could close my eyes and remember him exactly as he was. Exactly as we were. I did this with Leonidas as well--I will never forget that cedar-smelling head and the way his eyes, which often darted from discomfort would settle and focus into my gaze. Or the delicate feeling of his raised paw gently settling on my bent knee and his pad's roughness as it rested on my leg to open his chest up for rubbing. 

Being present is a practice, I believe that helps us minimize regret and the feeling of missing out. In a society where an overly saturated schedule and multitasking are admired and valued, being truly present is lost. Everything passes in a blur and the mind is already on to the next thing. By slowing down, removing technology and mental distractions we can more deeply appreciate the present moment, which IS truly where life happens. I am not someone who comments on missing a certain time, or who says how fast time flies because I am consciously trying to be present with what is before me in each moment and stage of life. Do I multitask or use technology or do other things passively? Absolutely. But NOT during important moments. Not when I know my time is limited with the dogs. Not during dinner where there ought to be a moment for connection each day. And definitely not when I am experiencing my daughter and being a mother for the first time. 

Boundaries are wholly important to the process of being present. These boundaries first begin with yourself. The biggest distraction we have is our mind and quieting it can be no easy task. I like to consider thoughts in one of two visual capacities: clouds passing in the sky or a river current running through you. Essentially this visual allows you to neutrally acknowledge the presence of the thought (like you would the cloud or water) but you are not judging it or considering it (and definitely not acting on it). Instead you allow the wind or current to carry it away and minimally acknowledge it as in the background. Will the thought of texting new grandparents pop in my mind? Of course. But I will let guilt or that thought pass and know when the time is right that naturally there will be space to send that message. Similarly will pain or fear occupy my mind? Absolutely, but I can help acknowledge and let those things pass without holding them close. I've already asked Andrew, my coach, to think of a cloud if he notices fear or pain are occupying space for too long. 

Boundaries with others is also important. This means clear communication. For those familiar with the enneagram, I am an eight--a challenger. One characteristic that most eights share is that they are good at setting boundaries. It is naturally easier for me to express what I need or want to someone. This is not the case of everyone but the more you practice using that muscle the easier it becomes. Similarly, if you are establishing boundaries with people who are not used to this, you should expect blowback or people to challenge you on those things. It is important to remember that there are two types of boundaries: those made of a stone wall and those with a gate. Knowing the difference is very important. If something is a stone-wall boundary then you will not bend on it. For example, a stonewall boundary for me was no out-of-town company until at least 3 weeks after Genevieve's arrival. That was not inherently met with universal support. No amount of asking or reasoning would make me bend in the other direction. A gated boundary is something that you have more leniency with. So this is something that you've ironed out, but when someone comes back with a compromise you may find that works as well. In that instance, revising your boundary to the place of compromise is a good idea. For example, when discussing scheduling my induction date with our doctor she had suggested an earlier date--still in the 38 week range but earlier on. I expressed wanting to allow her to bake a bit longer and advocated a later date. My doctor then agreed to that date. The boundary we were both aligned to was induction in week 38, but the specific date had some room for discussion. 

While in the process of labor and delivery, I do not want to have on my mind preoccupied. I don't want to overly fixate on pain and discomfort, or the idea that friends and family need to be updated on where we are in the process. Or think "it is taking forever and they're worried we need to touch base." Nor do I want Andrew's attention in that direction. Instead, I would rather have my attention and Andrew's on the actual birthing process. This is why I set the boundary about not sharing the actual date and time of induction. No one will know that we are actively in labor to be worried about the timeline or expecting an update. That means during the golden hour we can BE with Genevieve in mind and body. Then of course when we are settled in our room we can share her arrival with friends and family. One of the greatest gifts I hope to give to Genevieve is a life and environment that is present-minded, and that begins at her birth. 

This last trimester has definitely flown by. While the entire pregnancy has gone by quickly, the third trimester has felt the shortest. Though, I will be induced at 38 weeks, so I suppose the whole trimester actually is a bit shorter. But I think my attention has been focused more on labor, delivery, and postpartum recovery, which has made the pregnancy feel like it is wrapping up even more.  I anticipated feeling a huge dip in energy and much more discomfort than I have actually experienced (hallelujah) in the third trimester. I had very mild heart burn a couple of times, which was a new sensation for me since I have never really had heart burn prior to pregnancy. I also had a decrease in cravings early into trimester three, but I have craved and eaten more salmon and shrimp (baby wants those omegas). My only real third trimester gripe is that the tips of my fingers feel numb and uncomfortable. Apparently pregnant women can develop carpal tunnel (the weird things being an incubator does to the body...). I am grateful for the fact I haven't felt hot or swollen, thank goodness Genevieve will be here ahead of the Texas summer heat! 

Overall, I have felt pretty good this trimester. Early on I noticed a slight energy dip and needed to occasionally nap in the late afternoon. I was still going for walks, but more so in the slightly reduced range of 3-6 miles. But I did notice some lower back discomfort if I stood or walked too long at one time. Fortunately, when I ordered my free breast pump through insurance via the aeroflowbreastpump.com website, they also determined which other maternity items my insurance covered and so I got a free belly band. I didn't want to become overly reliant on this, but wearing it while I vacuumed the whole house or during a walk reduced my back discomfort completely.  The AeroFlow website (entirely free to use) was helpful because they gave me pricing on items based on the insurance coverage I put in, handled any details related to contacting the insurance provider, and shipping was free and fast: 10/10 recommend. 

I also wanted to make sure that I maintained flexibility and moved my body in different positions during the third trimester (this also helps get baby into head down position). Just yesterday Andrew said to me as we geared up for our Sunday walk "I think you can still put your socks and shoes on more easily than me..." as I stood up and balanced on one foot to put them on. I asked a new mama and yogi for her recommendation about prenatal yoga and she shared Sarah Beth's Prenatal Yoga routines with me on YouTube. I started doing yoga in the second trimester, but increased the frequency in the third trimester. She has multiple video routines to follow and they are 15-20 minutes in length and were perfect before or after a walk. She makes postpartum yoga videos as well and I definitely will utilize those when I am cleared to do so. 

Probably because I knew early into pregnancy I would likely be induced--and earlier than 39 weeks--due to my blood pressure trends, I finished my nursery very early into trimester three. I knew Genevieve would likely arrive prior to our May 27th due date and wanted to make sure I was prepared and ready. Fortunately, since my blood pressure has maintained its mildly elevated state without worsening or developing into preeclampsia, we are able to induce just after 38 weeks instead of the 36-week point. Regardless, nesting was in full-effect earlier, and it felt so good to have everything in its place and good to go. The main third trimester "nesting" we did was to build the 4Moms pack-and-play for our bedroom and the swing for our living room and have the dogs get familiar with them in the space. We did this at the beginning of May (Baby G's birth month), so the dogs could get comfortable with baby stuff not only in the nursery, but in common spaces too. 

Since the physical space already felt pretty ready for baby, in this trimester, I focused mostly on the labor, delivery, and postpartum prep videos. While I do plan to have an epidural, I knew I still wanted to take a course of some kind to help with breathing techniques, etc. I had always heard of lamaze, so I purchased a package online for a course through Lamaze International. While I knew their stance was "unmedicated natural birth or bust" I thought I could just absorb the parts for me and ignore what wasn't resonant. That was not the case. The modules were not informative as much as they were arguments for their birthing philosophy. I often found myself rolling my eyes, snorting, or yelling at the videos. The only takeaway I have is that Andrew and I have our own Mike Birbiglia "I saved your best friend's life" inside joke related to a woman blubbering over her husband making her a peanut butter and banana sandwich. I mustered my way through most of the course but decided to count that class as a loss and seek additional support. 

I started looking at Tinyhood courses and decided to give their "Childbirth 101" course a go. I liked it so much I also purchased their "Baby 101" course too. They have really INFORMATIVE videos that consider different options and methods and cover unmedicated, induced, and cesarian births in detail. Beyond their videos, they also have downloadable handouts with very helpful information on topics discussed in the videos. I highly recommend their content and love having their app so I can go back to the information to pull up a handout or rewatch a video on a range of topics. 

Thinking about all the different baby care activities Andrew and I were preparing to make routine, I wanted to create a little quick notes resource guide for us. Since we both have iPhones we love using shared notes for things like grocery lists so we can both update and access the list. I created something similar for us as it relates to baby care. I basically considered the different care needs and would find one simple, informative youtube video, post its link into the note and the add a couple detailed notes per activity. Some of the activities I included were: giving a bath, swaddling, changing a diaper and using diaper cream, umbilical cord care, handling gas, CPR, etc. I also thought about the specific things we had and how to use them. This includes the different ways to setup and use our stroller, carseat, solly baby carrying wrap, etc. Since our phones are often close by, it is a quick way to check in on what we are doing or communicate the way we are doing something to each other. I've continued adding to the list as time has passed and definitely know it will be useful once Genevieve is here. 

I am 37 weeks and 5 days as I write this, and so my mind is certainly fixed onto Genevieve's imminent arrival. I have Genevieve's bag, boppy, and carseat packed and my bag mostly packed beyond a few items I am still wearing that I will add last minute. I am keeping a note with all items I want to bring and checked all those actually in the bag so I know which things need to be included later. We are as prepared as we can be until we are simply navigating the uncharted territory that is being responsible for a tiny human full time. I am stoked to no longer be an incubator and to welcome Genevieve into this big, beautiful world that awaits her. 

One year ago today Andrew and I said goodbye to Leonidas. He was diagnosed with bone cancer April 1st, 2020 and his bone broke late at night on May 4th. The only place he could get comfortable was the backyard, so the yard was where we all slept. We gave him a full Whataburger breakfast, and took him to the vet to say our final goodbye on May 5th. I describe Leo as a once-in-a-lifetime dog and his passing was the hardest loss I've had to endure. Something I have learned and try to hold at the forefront of my mind always is: the best learning and growth come from our best moments and our worst. So I tried to reflect and listen to what this moment held for me. I knew there was a lesson for me not only from the passing of my special guy, but also in his life.

Kids in the Cards
Those closest to me knew that children weren't in the plan for Andrew and me. While my degree is in education and I love kids, I had for most of my life dismissed the idea of having my own children. In large part this was due to not wanting to go through pregnancy and worrying I would mess them up. We were content with having our dogs and in that contentment we didn't revisit the question of "should we have kids?" When Leo got sick, that changed. I thought back to all the people who commented "big dogs don't live long..." and I asked myself a pointed question: knowing Leonidas would die at five years old, would I do it again? My answer then, now, and forever is an unequivocal Y-E-S.

This then led me to consider again the question of children and my defining reasons for not wanting to have them. The conclusion I came to was: the pain of losing Leo was not greater than the love and joy he brought to my life. Therefore the pain and inconvenience of pregnancy and childbirth aren't enough of a deterrent to not to have a child. I realized how truly temporary that portion of the process was, and the weight of the reasoning became significantly less. Similarly, the pain of watching Leonidas deteriorate from April to May was absolutely crushing, but we had happy moments each day even during that time, and so many adventures in the good years he did have. When I looked at my next question of messing the kids up I realized, we are all made of positive and negative experiences. By doing my best, continuing to grow, and connecting I would be okay and so would any kiddo we had. My lightbulb moment was the value add is greater than the fear of what wouldn't go right.

I had been doing this reflection internally, but knew that the next step would be to discuss kids with Andrew. Now Andrew and I truly are very communicative, but we had never actually had a conversation about having kids. We started dating at sixteen, and pretty much the goal was to NOT have kids, and we simply kept with that position as time passed. I still remember how I brought up the topic. Andrew was manning dinner on the grill and wasn't looking at me. I was sitting on the patio and said "I am going to ask you a question. I don't want you to respond now, think about it and let's talk about it in a day or two." He raised his eyebrows and when I asked "what do you think about us having kids?" I could see he truly absorbed the question and the next day he expressed we were on the same (new and different) page than we were before.

Finding the Light
I would love to say I was totally wrong and absolutely adore being pregnant, but that is simply not the case. I would love to say I am so excited to give birth, but the reality is I am so excited for the birth to be over. To be honest, pregnancy hasn't been as bad as I thought and I feel mostly neutral about the experience. For the most part I feel pretty good and like my normal self. Watching my belly go from abs to baby bump didn't bother me like I thought it would, and hormonally I am more balanced and calm than I ever was during a bodybuilding prep. I definitely knew myself well enough to know pregnancy wouldn't be my favorite aspect of parenthood. But I know here too there are lessons and work for me in this stage of the process to grow and reflect upon (more in future posts).

While I wish with my whole heart that Leonidas was still here, I try to lean in to the notion that things happen when and as they ought to. I can't say I would have come to this conclusion if he passed and we weren't in lockdown, shows were canceled, and we hadn't just relocated to a new area with Andrew's job. If we were still in DFW I would have probably been able to occupy my mind focusing on work, a show, and friends. However, I believe the timing was as it was supposed to be. The fact that Leonidas left us in May and we will meet Genevieve in May makes the lesson and decision feel all the more connected.

Leonidas will live in my heart forever. While physically he isn't here (though his ashes are next to me as I write this), the depth of connection we had, has and will continue to shape me. Andrew proposed with Leonidas. He was a promise for our forever and he will forever be one of the great loves of my life. He gave me the gift of a lesson I needed when I needed it: the love you gain is so much more than the fear you hold or the pain you'll experience. The good outweighs the bad and loving and living is so much more than the losing and loss.

                           Leonidas' last morning (5/5/20)

I can confidently express that Andrew and I have a close relationship. We root our relationship in two fundamental ideas. First that we are always growing and evolving independently and as a couple. I am not simply in love with the same man I was at 21, but rather the continuation of who Andrew has grown to be. Second we believe that love is a choice. It is not some hit-you-over-the-head energy or passion but rather the deliberate choice to grow your lives together in easy times or those that are more challenging. Regardless of transitions, shake ups, and growth through the years, we find that our relationship has only become stronger.

With Genevieve joining us in approximately three weeks, we have already had myriad conversations about how we can support each other and what our new dynamic might look like for the first few weeks (and beyond). As always, we expect to keep dialogue open and subject to change since reality never perfectly mirrors expectations. Similarly, how we think we might feel may not be how we actually do. We always hold space to pivot. 

Partnership 
Andrew and I lean in to each other a lot. We are each other's first go-to person for just about everything. Just this week Andrew asked me to help him brainstorm the details of a  presentation for work using a leadership model we are both familiar. Meanwhile, on the same day, I  mentioned some slight discoloration on the granite near the kitchen sink and Andrew immediately found a solution online to fix it and resealed the area (romance in your late-twenties ladies and gents). Our support for one another looks different, isn't equal, and is never tit-for-tat. We like to say that we are not opposites, but compliments. We are never itemizing or counting out who does more, but find a dynamic that simply gets it done.  

Andrew and I both find many people are shocked or skeptical when we express we are not having friends or family come help us right away after Genevieve is born. This bemuses both Andrew and I. Andrew and I have operated pretty independently of familial support for a long time, and are most comfortable (and confident) leaning in to one another. While the challenge of navigating the needs of a baby will be new, our synergy and flow of dynamic are not.

With Andrew home and not working during paternity leave for 6-9 weeks, he will easily be able to continue cooking for us, pick up the extra cleaning, errands, and doggy care needs I normally carry, and (most importantly) bond with his daughter. Since he cannot breastfeed, he will focus initially on infant massage, tummy time, and bath time for his own special bonding activities.

Initially my focus will be to breastfeed and prioritize my own healing and care needs. I don't find this limited focus selfish (or maybe it is selfish but with no negative connotation). With the hormonal dips, pain of breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, possible stitches, bleeding, and pain from labor, having space to heal is important to ensuring I am mentally and physically well. I am a private person as it relates to healing and breastfeeding, so having only the person I am most comfortable with around is ideal for me. Some want a village of support or are much more open, and that is fine too. I think what's important is knowing your own support preferences and advocating for them. 

Parenting
Just as we don't support each other in the same ways, we will play different but complimentary roles in Genevieve's life as well. A priority for Andrew and I is that Genevieve sees us both as parents.  Meaning: dad is not a babysitter. Andrew will be working and I will be home with Genevieve, but that does not mean I dictate her care. What I mean by this is when Andrew comes home, I can give Genevieve to him and leave and he can parent her in his own way without me telling him to do it a certain way or watching and correcting him during their time together. It is also important for me to leave and not feel guilty about running errands, working out, or doing something for myself without Genevieve. An added benefit is that Andrew and I doing things differently can create a more unique bond and hopefully help Genevieve learn the value of flexibility and adaptability (or at least the ability to advocate for her preferences). 

Integral to our parenting approach too is the notion that we are not raising someone who is an extension of ourselves and our wishes, but an individual who will continue to develop the person she is. We are not attached to her academic performance, aptitude at athletics or a musical instrument, and already discuss college as an option NOT an assumption. As parents we hope to give her meaningful experiences, materials, and foster relationships that support her, coach her, and challenge her. We see ourselves as guides and mentors more than we do as the superior/elder with the right answers (to impart one of my favorite sayings about this: shitty people get old too). We also do not attach to an age and missing the past. I am not the type to say "where did my baby go, stop growing." Rather, I hold the belief that each age and stage is temporary and uniquely wonderful. By living a life that has less distractions and is presently focused, I can appreciate what is and hold a fondness for what has already passed. 

As parents we also want to prioritize quality family time. We want to not only make sure we do this each week day, but also do fun activities together on the weekends. During the week, this will likely be family dinners around the table, a walk in the neighborhood with the dogs, and some time playing or reading together. Our week days are often very boring and routine (though I am grateful for this because so many parenting books talk about this approach being optimal for babies and kiddos). Andrew and I have never been fly-by-the-seat of-your-pants enthusiasts. Instead we are bed by 9 pm kind of people. That being said, we want to balance that routine and homebody lifestyle we value with fun activities on the weekends. Things like going to a new park, attending a community event, or going to a restaurant with a fun patio and play area. Just as Andrew and I value being complimentary partners, we also want to instill the value of complimentary use of time: balance is key. 

While there is no way to truly know the impact Genevieve will have on Andrew and my partnership, we can (and try to) do our best to stay aligned and connected: this means compromise. We will continue to have open, direct, and candid dialogue but also make time to be a pair. For us this will mostly look like locking in time together in the evening after Genevieve is asleep or an occasional date night away. I am grateful for the connection Andrew and I have fostered since we were sixteen and I hope we can model for Genevieve the value in finding a partner to lean into. Being in a partnership means letting go of the ego's need to do everything yourself and trusting in another to compliment what you bring to the table. 

The pace of life is typically rapid and overflowing. This is not only true for day-to-day schedules but also holidays. Andrew and I both have a majority of our family in the same area of Saint Louis, Missouri. What we remember most about holidays in STL was puzzling a schedule, driving in the car, cold meals, and rushing around. Since moving to Texas six years ago, we have abstained from the holiday hustle and bustle.

One main reason for this is because of our dogs. I have worked with a facility that boards, and I know how over-packed, under staffed, and expensive it is to board during the holidays. We refuse to do that to our dogs. Another reason is because we want to have space to enjoy the day. I think back to kids I babysat, who always traveled for holidays to their grandparents' or aunt's homes out of town. They would beg their mom just to have Christmas in their own house. Prior to conceiving Andrew and I talked about what holidays, traditions, and trips would look like and we continue to flesh out those details because being on the same page is important. 

I share what our preferences are for holidays, traditions, and trips not because ours are the right way to consider them, but it is the right way for us. I share with the intention that it helps you look at your own established ideas or to give you food for thought for ways you may meaningfully construct your own memories tailored to your own life and preferences. 

Predictable & Meaningful 
It is often said that the memories that persist from childhood into adulthood are not a single isolated incident (a certain gift for Christmas). But rather what's truly memorable is the tradition and expectation that persisted over time (waking Christmas morning to the smell of cinnamon rolls each year). This being said, we want to construct holidays for Genevieve that have embedded traditions and predictability. I am not trying to construct exactly what those traditions are yet, but am leaving space to think about what sensorial elements will be present for different holidays. 

Often, parents are so concerned with checking off every single holiday activity in the community, or piling gifts under the tree. Our focus is to strip that back. We want to meaningfully read a couple of books, watch a couple of movies, and participate in certain community activities during the season without excess. When excess exists, the emotional peaks of excitement are actually reduced. Rather than over saturating, we want to choose quality experiences and establish predictability for when they occur leading up to the holiday (most of the magic is in the anticipation). 

As it relates to gifts, we plan to take a more simplistic approach as well. For Christmas we will have stockings (some yummy treats and some small gift) and then give one gift that fits into each category: something to read, something to wear, something to do (experience), something she wants, and something she needs. For Easter we will give one easter basket with a couple servings different candies and a toy or two suited for spring weather (yard toys, bubbles, etc.). It isn't like we will be telling Genevieve "okay, here is the gift that you NEED..." but rather the gifts we buy will be rooted in this logic. She needn't know the logic behind each one. Similarly as it relates to sweets and treats, they ought to be enjoyed during the holiday season, but not in excess. A few jelly beans, a chocolate bunny, and a couple others are more than enough sugar for a little body to enjoy without overdoing it (or acting like candy is poison). 

We want Genevieve to be able to wake up in her own house. If she wants to play with a new toy or use her new craft supplies, we want her day to have space to do that. We want her to be able to love on her puppies, eat a warm and balanced holiday meal, and cuddle up to a favorite holiday read aloud or movie. We--Andrew and I-- as parents want to enjoy the holiday and memories with our daughter too. We want to be present and relaxed and participate in the holidays with her not merely shuttle her to and fro. Holidays at our own home facilitate this. 

Visitors & Visits 
While we have made the choice to be home for the holidays, if relatives or friends want to join us during a holiday break, we are open to that possibility. Andrew's dad, stepmom, and two younger siblings have spent several Thanksgivings with us in Texas and we've really enjoyed their company! Since Andrew and I have a different religion than our families, celebrating on a non-Christian holiday is likely more resonant because what we believe those holiday seasons are about (and therefore how we celebrate them) differ greatly. For example, we celebrate Easter as the beginning of spring, not the resurrection of Jesus. Since children are not rational thinkers until they are approximately 6 or 7 years old, we would prefer not to confuse her with the introduction of religion until at least that age. So a boundary we would establish is that if someone wanted to celebrate Christmas with us, those Christian elements wouldn't be overly emphasized. This is by no means to say what someone else celebrates is wrong, but rather if our celebrations are not in alignment, a different time to visit may be better. 

What's fun about family visiting at a regular time each year (holiday or otherwise) is we can fill those moments with their own fun and tradition that we can create together. The opportunity to make meaningful memories with loved ones is incredibly important and we want Genevieve to have amazing memories with her family in addition to the friends who become as close as family. I think too about trips that we can take with our siblings and their kiddos so G can bond with cousins in addition to house visits. We plan to try to make a trip to visit Saint Louis once a year, but beyond that hope to have people join us at our home or make a shared trip together. 

Another significant change for us with Genevieve will be how we spend time visiting family. Since both of our families are primarily in the Saint Louis area, Andrew and I usually would divide and conquer: hang out and sleep at our own families' homes and then each attend an activity or visit the in-laws during the trip. However, with G that will change. Instead we will be a unit: sleep at one consistent place, visit together, and return together. Also making sure we are prioritizing cousins in Kansas City or Illinois  too--rather than just focusing on parents in STL. 

When considering holidays, traditions, and trips Andrew and I are mindful that we are holding space for meaningful experiences and memories. We know that vacation time is limited and that we have to balance where-who-how we spend that time. With a large family that is not always easy to do. For instance, Andrew really values attending a trip with his dad and his former wrestling friends and coaches each year, that eats in to vacation time. Similarly, I plan to take a solo trip as well where Andrew will have to take time off to watch G while I am gone. This will be a great time for Andrew and G to spend quality solo daddy and daughter time. These solo trips too give Andrew and I an ability to make meaningful memories and also model for G that we can both travel independently and that space is important too. We are grateful to have so many people in our lives: big families and friends we have picked up along the way. We can't wait to watch the bonds form and grow from shared experiences and we can't wait to have the memories we will make. 

I will begin by stating my dogs are incredibly important to me.  In high school I preferred hanging out with Tucker over parties and I literally asked Andrew to propose with a puppy instead of a ring. I've been warned that I'll forget to feed the dogs or will somehow lose interest in them. While dynamics will surely look different, I will still be obsessed with my big, loppy loves. The dogs, Andrew, and I have made up our family for nearly 13 years; we are mindful of the transition not only for ourselves, but Heidi and Burlioz as well. We have been prepping them in different ways throughout the pregnancy, but will also take mindful steps once Genevieve is here so that our growing family can have an easier transition to a new normal.

Fido Philosophy 
I have been training dogs since 2016 and predominately focused on basic obedience and nervous aggression. I am someone who doesn't see a dog as a cute accessory, nor as a lesser animal. Instead I know dogs are unique, living beings with their own wills, tendencies, desires, and fears. As guardians to them it is our job to know them well by watching them and also putting them in situations that benefit them and knowing what situations ought to be avoided. Different dogs have different motivations. For instance, neither of my Saints are treat motivated. This makes getting their attention more difficult when trying to lure them away from something. However, a key to training is the bond you have with your dog and their relationship to you. Luckily my bond is strong with both and they behave with great manners (most of the time). It is also really important to remember that like people, each dog has their "thing" or point of challenge. For my guys that is barking at dogs on walks. Burlioz wants to play, but Heidi doesn't prefer other dogs. It is an area we are working on and it is ok they are not perfect, they are both still young dogs. We are all works in progress, and we must give our dogs the same grace. 

Prediction 
I often get asked what I think the dogs' response to Genevieve will be, and I confidently assert I think they will be smitten with her. Heidi and Burlioz have had lots of exposure to different-aged kiddos. Burlioz especially loves babies and Heidi loves toddlers and little girls. She will bark at little boys wrestling in the yard or running by. I've seen Heidi walk up to an 18 month old who was hobbling along and lick them in the nose without knocking them over. I am fortunate that our breeder had younger kiddos around while both Heidi and Burlioz were still with her. So early in their lives they had exposure to kids. 

It is important to note though that a baby in the home is different than the baby they see on a walk or that someone brings over for a brief visit. While it can be an adjustment to share space, usually the bond is stronger and the dogs will become more tolerant and prefer "their own" baby. Some of the work I have done prior to Genevieve coming is observing my dogs interactions around babies. This does help me make predictions about how they will respond. But I am not attached to those predictions. If responses are different we will adjust as needed. 

I predict that Burlioz will be completely obsessed. I see him chewing a bone while I nurse while looking out the window, being centimeters away from her fingers during tummy time, and protective of her when anyone comes to see her. Burlioz is my shadow anyway, and so I think he will always be close by. Heidi I foresee being a bit more aloof. I think she will be off napping on the couch or our bed rather than close by Genevieve. I do think that she will come running when the baby cries and smell her and then leave if the crying continues. I think she will be one to watch from a slight distance but still very much be interested and loving to G (especially when she learns to share food). 

Before Baby Comes 
Genevieve's room was formerly our office. The dogs had a couch in there and loved laying on it and looking out at the neighborhood. They would bark at other dogs going by and sometimes punch the glass. I knew I wanted to nix this behavior, so I used a sonic bark box in the room to go off anytime they barked. I did this for two months and now the bark box is not in there. Occasionally Burlioz will bark at a dog, but he doesn't touch the glass (my bigger pet peeve). Heidi was very sensitive to the sound and so she won't bark at all and if Burlioz begins barking leaves the room. 

We also constructed the nursery over time and let the dogs sniff and inspect the different items added. This way they can familiarize themselves with the new items. I had a neighbor give me some baby toys her kiddos used and I put these in Genevieve's toy basket. The dogs would be able to smell the little kid scents on them. I too keep a dog toy basket in the room on the opposite side of G's toy basket. Burlioz regularly grabs a toy from his bin and for the most part leaves the baby toys alone. He has gotten a couple stuffed animal rattles, but to be fair they look like his toys. I am realistic and know G and the dogs will likely "share" some toys and will hope it helps bolster G's immune system. I also push the stroller and move the car seat around in the house. The dogs will watch and be curious and sniff and then leave alone. With dogs, exposure to new situations, things, and stimuli is key. So if I can do that with these items now, it will help them adjust to the much more stimulating addition coming in May. 

My focus for the next few weeks is to have the pack-and-play built and next to the bed, move a play gym and bouncer into the living room and run them so the dogs get used to items in new spaces (beyond the nursery) and the sounds and movements they might make. 

Bringing Home Baby 
I will be in the hospital for a couple days after giving birth. We plan to have Andrew bring home a blanket that smells like Genevieve for the dogs to inspect and become acclimated to. Similar to how exposure to items without baby helps aid in adjusting to the new normal, so too does the actual smell of baby before anything else changes in their environment or routine. Then, because the dogs won't have seen me for a couple days, when I return home I will go into the house alone without Andrew or baby for the dogs to greet, smell, and love on me. Then Andrew will bring Genevieve in and we will calmly let them inspect the carseat and Genevieve. I like to use the phrase "less is more" with dog training. Moving and talking less, staying calm and moving smoothly all aid in the dogs in new or stimulating situations. Dogs are sensitive to your energy, and so if you are calm and confident, they are more likely to feel secure. 

We are fortunate Andrew has six weeks of paternity leave, and so a huge focus for him during that time is keeping the dogs' routine normal and giving them plenty of attention (Heidi is going to be over the moon). We will also get the dogs used to walking one at a time (this will be hardest for Burlioz who doesn't like when Heidi leaves the house). This is because when Andrew returns to work it will be safer for me to walk with the stroller and one dog instead of two. We are also being very deliberate about minimizing visitors for the first few weeks so the dogs can get used to Genevieve's presence in the house and not get confused by so many additional people in and out. We want them to get used to Genevieve and create a solid foundation for what our family now looks like. 

We are excited to see the new dynamic and relationships form between Genevieve, Heidi, and Burlioz. We are very mindful that time, patience, and love are all imperative for a smoother transition. Hiccups will be handled and we will pivot strategies when necessary. But overall we believe that our new dynamic will be better than before and that there will simply be more love to give, and that we aren't taking love away from anyone else.