#58: Lessons From Bodybuilding for My Daughter

When it comes to modeling body image to daughters, I think most moms are conflicted. Not only are many uncertain about if or how to talk about (or not talk about) bodies, but most moms have insecurities or disordered patterns related to food, exercise, and their own bodies. I always joked that I had a high-functioning binge-eating disorder because I would at least combat overeating with exercise for most of my adult life. While many lament how having children ruins your body–having my daughter gave me a deep-seated motivation to establish a healthier relationship with food, exercise, and my body. And in fact–and as a mom in her mid-thirties–I am proud to be in the best shape and conditioning of my life. I am flexible with great mobility; I am fast and can run far; and I have a balanced and developed muscular composition. And my diet is primarily healthy whole foods, with treats and indulgences peppered in. While I wanted this relationship for myself, I also heard a voice in my head say, “children don’t do as we say, they do as we do.” I did not want my daughter to see me chase fad diets, express disdain for how I looked, or settle for subpar health. In large part, because I don’t want that for her. 

 My daughter, Genevieve, is currently four years old, and was able to watch me take the stage at my first bodybuilding show postpartum a couple months ago. At this show, I placed 1st in Novice in my height class and 3rd in Open in my height class in the bikini division. One of the coolest feelings I’ve had as a mom was watching my child cheer me on from the crowd and be proud of me. Even now, months after the show, I can feel a different degree of respect she has for me after watching as I accomplished a tangible goal.  

 I think some people–less familiar or accepting–of bodybuilding can criticize the example of a mom wearing a tiny bikini, “dieting,” and “fixating on image.” I can understand their superficial understanding of the sport, but wholeheartedly disagree. For me bodybuilding is an art and a craft. I don’t chase mass for the sake of mass. I train for proportion, for lines that flow, for a physique that looks composed from every angle. And I work with the canvas (body) I actually have. Which means I accept it, care for it, and sculpt it from a place of power–not from a source of lack. Instead of painting or drawing, I sculpt my body. When so many women scorn their shape, I find empowerment in creating and refining mine, working to take baby steps to improve it holistically. I hope this doesn’t read as I perceive myself without flaws and supreme confidence, I assure you I have plenty of insecurities and opportunities for growth. However, I try to use acceptance and a “good enough” outlook to help appreciate this version of me while intentionally growing into the woman I wish to ever-be becoming (so that my daughter will too). 

I see purpose in all the components that the unacquainted outsider judges. The bikini allows you to see the entire physique, adding personality in color, cut, and style. The “dieting” is really a phased process to afford building and revealing the shape crafted. What’s funny is even in my cut I eat more than most women and many men (who weigh more than me). During my last prep, I never got below 1600 calories of food per day, and I went from 133 lbs. to 117 lbs. at that caloric intake. As it relates to focusing on the image of the body, I would come back to the body as art again. If you can appreciate a painting, sculpture, song, or movie: you can extend the logic to a refined and intentional physique (yes glute and ham ties included). I would also underscore the significant work and strength required to build a flowing, aesthetic, and quality physique. For me yin and yang are reflected in the work (lifting, cardio, and food) and then the beauty and femininity of the posed physique. So too do I feel like the bikini division balances the yin and yang of muscle as masculine and feminine. Anything can be shallow or superficial, my interaction with bodybuilding and how I talk about the sport, myself, and habits are intentional, especially with my child.

[Lessons in Food] 
As a bodybuilder, nutrition is incredibly important. Most often people think that means deprivation and diet. However, it has much more to do with fueling your body in order to build and carve an intentional physique. Food is a tool and impacts how we feel mentally, emotionally, and physically (it is simple chemistry). I define a diet as the habitual way we consume foods. In our household, mealtimes are still social times to connect, but sometimes we eat at different times and what is on each of our plates is different most of the time (this is no different than going to a restaurant where each family member options for a choice that best suits them). 

While I want to teach my daughter to listen to her body related to food, I want her to understand listening to her taste buds and actual body are not the same. I require protein at each meal for my daughter. Now, she’s a four-year-old child, so her protein intake goal for a day is 19 grams (we do not discuss or count this, but prioritizing meals and snacks with a protein source affords us to meet this parameter). She is not a huge fan of meat protein (which I don’t love but accept at this time, though I still try to introduce it regularly). She will eat quinoa, yogurt, cheese, bacon, salmon, chicken sticks, occasionally nut butters or ground beef with spaghetti (masked by a lot of parmesan cheese).

Genevieve is allowed one sweet treat a day. She is able to choose what it is and when she eats it. This makes her quite discerning about what she’ll eat, often waiting to save an item for after dinner or holding a sucker until the following day if it’s cheat meal day. Twice a week (one weekday and one weekend day) she is allowed to have a more decadent treat (like ice cream). On this day I require animal protein for lunch and dinner. We talk about food in terms of balance and if we are going to eat something that is rich, it’s beneficial to balance that with a belly full of good food. 

I also remind Genevieve as she eats to “check in with your body and eat until your belly is full, not just until it’s gone.” This is something she’s really great about and it brings me great joy to throw away the sweet treat she doesn’t finish because her body doesn’t want any more (the benefit of having her fill up on protein for satiability first in action). On holidays we are more relaxed and she can have extra sweets or if we are at a friend’s house, she can have an extra treat or eat what her friend is eating. That being said, we still discuss not overdoing it. Genevieve learned this lesson the hard way and is very good about self-limiting on holidays after throwing up one Halloween (only eating 3 pieces of small candy and a cupcake). In fact, she has thrown up after eating a cupcake more than once and will skip out on cupcakes or chocolate options proclaiming, “it's too rich on my belly.” 

Recently Genevieve went through a heavy snacking phase (“I am done” with meals then proceeds to be “starving” and would eat three snacks or fill up on a car snack and then not want anything for lunch). I told Genevieve she lost snack privileges unless I determined she ate enough meals for a week. Internally I didn’t love this because I heard “you’re not letting her listen to her body…” BUT she was deliberately not listening to her own body and fueling with subpar sources. So, I held the line and required more meal eating. At dinner when she’d proclaim, “I’m done!” I would say, “are you sure? Because that’s fine, but if that’s all the dinner your belly has room for, there is no dessert and there will be no bedtime snack. I will save this dinner and this will be the only thing you’ll have before bed.” She would then succumb to eating significantly more. It only took a week to reset this habit. I might have had reservations about “forcing” her to eat more food when she expressed being “done” but healthful habits sometimes require an extra push (lovingly accountable, I like to say). 

Similarly, when Genevieve wants to keep snacking and eating, I will say, “okay you’ve eaten x and y. Let’s set a 15-minute timer to let your belly digest and check in to see if you’re still hungry. If you are, we can eat again then.” More often than not, she is not hungry when the timer sounds. It takes a while for the belly to catch up (a lesson most adults don’t understand) and one I’d like her to learn that is imperative to trusting your body’s physical hunger cues. 

I am very routine and consistent with my diet. I mostly eat the same foods each day (maybe swapping sweet potato for rice, zucchini for green beans, or turkey for chicken). I have one cheat meal a week currently, but in my last prep I went over 20 weeks without deviating from my nutrition plan. I always answer any questions she poses about my food intake or habits. I do so very calmly and without judgmentally charged language. I do not express good/bad, healthy/unhealthy, dieting, etc. Instead, I express that the foods I get to eat fuel my body and help shape my body and build muscle. I say how I find the foods I get to eat yummy, and if I really wanted (whatever she’s asking me to eat) I could adjust my day of food to include it, but most often I don’t because I like my foods well enough. I don’t talk about dieting or wanting to lose weight. I eat when I need to and she sees me make space to fuel my body (even in a cut I eat frequently, just smaller quantities). 

When I have a cheat meal it is usually a “family dinner date night.” Genevieve will help decide on a restaurant or home cooked meal (she is partial to 17 South, Oakfire Pizza, or our homemade vodka pasta). We usually share a dessert (which is her favorite part). She sees me indulge and enjoy normal food without stress or trying to nail down the healthiest option. I express that nothing is bad for you in moderation, I can enjoy these foods but still want to eat my normal food most of the time because I feel good when I do. She will ask why I won’t eat ice cream, and I can turn that question back to her because she has seen me contend with really bad stomach cramping from eating ice cream. It is a great way to say, “ice cream is yummy when I eat it, but my body doesn’t like it. So, I’d rather eat a cookie while you have ice cream. Your body likes ice cream, so that’s ok!” The food isn’t generally bad, wrong, or forbidden (and there's no attempt at a “healthy” substitute); rather, it just might not be the right food for me.

I will also check in with Genevieve about how her meals, snacks, and treats impact her mind, emotions, and body. Questions like, “Wow! You have so much energy this morning, see how good your body feels when you eat salmon for dinner?” Or “you’ve had a really hard time since eating that red snow cone, that might not be something that agrees with your body…” I try to be careful with this of course, because we are complex individuals and myriad factors can be at play. However, anyone who has kids knows the power that foods can have on little bodies. I want Genevieve to be aware of those impacts, so she can make decisions about choosing foods again. She actually will say, “I can’t do the chocolate cake pop at Target, I always have a bad reaction…” (and she REALLY does). This means that if they are out of cake pops and only have chocolate, she all together will not get one (no meltdown, just acceptance). Most adults are unaware of how the foods, treats, and drinks they consume impact their feelings and ability to move. It is not punishing to be aware, but rather powerful. I still allow Genevieve to have choice around these things; but the awareness also comes with accountability. I know sweet wines lead to more anxious thoughts temporarily; I know ice cream will result in stomach cramping; and I know fried foods will cause me to feel heavy, inflamed, and break out. Knowing this about myself gives me the ability to weigh out the worth of what I consume. It is also why I love my tried-and-true base nutrition: I know how the food will settle and fuel me AND they are delicious. 

[Lessons in Movement] 
Genevieve goes to the gym with me during the weekdays that I lift. Prior to our gym days, Genevieve would crawl into my closet to get my running shoes for our daily 2-6 mile run around our neighborhood (I ran races–10K and 5K postpartum– with her in the stroller and was out of the gym lifting for two years). I wanted to model moving my body, regularly, and in ways that give me joy. Early postpartum, that was running and yoga with an occasional garage workout. I am grateful that Genevieve adores the teachers at our gym and has developed adorable little friendships (some of which have become really meaningful relationships outside of the gym). 

Often after I pick up Genevieve from the daycare, she asks what muscle groups I worked. It’s actually fun to flex and show her the specific muscle groups (easy anatomy lesson) that I worked. She will use expressions like, “ow! You hurt my lat!” or “mommy, your delts are POPPIN’!” She loves to parade around the gym and check in on classes (“shaky booty ladies" aka Zumba, being her favorite) and chat up anyone I know on the gym floor. She is regularly in an environment where she sees adults move and care for their bodies. 

It should come as no surprise that we discuss Genevieve moving her body each day as well. I am sometimes surprised by how difficult getting Genevieve to move her body can be. She won’t want to go to the park, or if we do, only swing. She won’t want to ride her scooter but will accept being driven in her electric car. The other day (it was 70 degrees in mid-February) I had to shut the garage door and tell her she HAD to ride her scooter ONE block around the neighborhood. While it started with tears, it ended with “mommy, can we do this EVERY day?” And guess what? Weather permitting, now we do. This parallels the internal mom guilt I had with “forcing” dinner–sometimes what my daughter WANTS to do, isn’t what’s best for her. I am not doing her a service by ensuring her momentary happiness–instead I am holding boundaries for the larger (and more important arc) about moving your body and pushing past the “I don’t think I want to phase…” Because I move my own body daily, I can always say, “I moved MY body, it is now your turn…” and rest in that accountability. There is a difference between “I don’t feel well or I am tired and can’t move” and being lazy. I will allow the former and strongly coach the latter. 

Anxiousness and aggression come from not moving your body enough. I think there is a significant issue with not moving your body enough combined with habitually over-consuming food calorically leading to inflammation in the body and brain in modern society. One of Genevieve’s “punishments” is to run laps. Since she is 4 years old, she is required to run the driveway four times. Ironically, she became a better runner after this and will ask if she can “run laps for fun” or attempts to choose this as a consequence. This punishment is designed to help G understand “if there is aggression in your body, there is extra energy. It can ooze out unintentionally, or we can choose to channel and release it through moving our body.” Even as an adult, if I get bad news or I am having a bad day, sometimes I just NEED to release that through a walk or run. Walking or running shifts your mind because movement regulates your nervous system and increases mood boosting chemicals like endorphins and dopamine. When your body moves forward, your thoughts often loosen and move with it–stress settles, clarity sharpens, and perspective widens. 

Bodybuilding requires balance of movement for each muscle group. So, Genevieve can see that I don’t over or under train body parts. She sees me do yoga and stretch (I can wave from the mat), asks me to pose or to watch my posing videos, and knows I include running, walking, and stairs for cardio health. I move in many different ways and stay healthy and consistent. This is something I point to when we go to parks. “Yes, you can swing, but let's also climb, scooter, or go down the slide…” 

[Lessons in Holding Image] 
My daughter will not hear me say, “I need to lose X pounds.” Or “My resolution is to try KETO!” Instead, my daughter sees me cheer when I get a new ab vein in the mirror, watch as strangers ask to touch my shoulders, and see me consistently tend to my personal style and body with joy. I tell people all the time, “the inner critic doesn’t go away, she just changes what she tells you. If you choose to see something you don’t like, she’ll keep moving the needle and offer new negative feedback.” There is power in choosing to see and accept this version of you and evolve through care, practice, and intention. Again, insecurity will be there, and we can acknowledge that without it predominating how we feel about ourselves. This is something I will forever be working at, but a complex I hope to help reduce or all together eliminate for my daughter. 

In 2024 I had two miscarriages and spent 21 weeks pregnant. During that time, I had allowed my body to breathe and eat intuitively to growing a baby (the first trimester is a bitch and that included McDonalds and Taco Bell being the ONLY foods I wanted some days…). That being said, I had gained weight and did not feel comfortable in my skin. I am a big “fake it until you make it” fan. That does not mean be inauthentic–rather it means do whatever you can to feel as good as possible even when you really don’t. So, I would do my hair, makeup, and have a cute outfit for the gym. I already had a style and intentionality at the gym (and in general), but I doubled down on that. It really helped me feel better and more comfortable. I was stressed (and pissed) about needing to diet back down after two unsuccessful pregnancies–it all felt unfair. I didn’t play victim or hide in indulgent foods–I showed up, did the work to move myself towards the higher self and future self I wished to be. That being said: Genevieve loves getting ready with me in the morning. She has her own mirror and stool in my bathroom and puts on “gloss up” and eyeshadow. She only wears dresses and enjoys having her hair done specifically and intricately. She sees me tend to myself and wants that for herself, too. We always discuss how “makeup and clothes make us fancy; we are always beautiful." In fact, when I take out G’s hair and it looks like a literal lion’s mane I say, “look at how wild and beautiful you look!” We don’t wear makeup to become beautiful–we are inherently so. Even if I struggle to see or believe that myself (harsh critic) I can model that attitude so my girl can believe it (and help me do the same for myself too). 

[Lessons in Sport and Competition] 
Bodybuilding has an incredibly supportive and positive community and culture–in person and online. There is camaraderie in the gym, on socials, and backstage at a show. I have made so many friends through the sport over the years. So often I hear adults talk about how hard it is to make friends, though I don’t feel this way. In fact, I believe it’s fairly easy to meet people when I am out walking in my neighborhood, at a gym, backstage at a show, or via social media. Learning how to connect with people–especially like-minded, positive people through a hobby I pursue is something I enjoy modeling to my daughter. In fact, she is always excited to go to a dance makeup class because she might meet a new friend. The first year she did dance, her best friend was in the class also. When that friend quit, my daughter wanted to, too. I refused to let her quit for that reason alone and expressed we needed to try at least one more season. She made new friends, has been able to focus better, and thoroughly enjoys her sport. She also had to practice putting herself out there asking new kids to play. Some would even say no, and she had to learn how to accept rejection and try again. Guess what? She became more resilient and has plenty of new friends. Yet another example of how holding the line and not just trusting my daughter’s temporary opinion benefited her. 

My daughter legitimately told me she’d only love me if I won my show. While I did not win overall, I did get some hardware. But before the show and after I was able to express how taking the stage for me is a celebration of this version of my body and hard work. I also detailed how each person taking the stage did as I did–worked hard for weeks and months to bring their best version of self to the stage. So, if someone “beat me” by placing higher, that’s ok with me because I get to keep my experience, the lessons learned throughout the process, and the physique I built. Medals are just a cherry on top. I hope this shows my daughter the importance of a process orientation over outcome. We are all winners, not because “everyone gets a trophy” but rather because we can be grateful for what rewards we choose to take out of any experience. 

In many ways my daughter got to experience my 23 weeks of prep with me. She was able to see the consistency, calmness, and acceptance I had amidst the process. My most recent prep (first one postpartum) was my easiest by comparison. I think in large part this is because my lifestyle prior to jumping into a formal prep was aligned to healthful habits in food and movement. It was an easy extension then to enter a prep rooted in the desire to refine this version of myself through an intentional challenge.

[Lessons in Finding Her Own] 
I don’t have grand or lofty plans for what my daughter will do or accomplish in life. To me, success is living an authentically satisfying life that is connected to good people and meaningful projects. That being said, as a parent I want to give my daughter opportunities to discover and develop the self she chooses to become. She is not mine to mold, but rather I am a support to help her know, challenge, and refine herself. 

While I don’t care what Genevieve does, I do care that she always does something. I never did sports or many activities growing up. I wish I had because I believe it would’ve helped me better cope with failure, risk, and pressure. I’ve intentionally worked (who am I kidding, still working) to have a better relationship with those things; but believe there is a benefit to doing so at a younger age. So too do I not want to overly tax Genevieve’s calendar with activities to burn her out or leave no space for friendship, free play, and time to just be. Currently she goes to dance, and as a 4-year-old child I think that plus Storytime at the library are more than enough regular activities. This summer she will do swim lessons–she has done swimming, gymnastics, and soccer as well. I would like to have her learn an instrument, try theater, or add gymnastics into her schedule once she’s six (this is when “kindergarten” will begin for us as homeschoolers). She really hated soccer (Texas heat is not her favorite) but I would really like her to participate in a team sport (since she is an only child and a homeschooler). 

I will let her weigh in on what she wants to do. But I will also expect her to wait it out before deciding to quit or change paths. Whims and lack of motivation are common (ask most people with fitness new year's resolutions) and I want her to build the muscle of grit and perseverance. She wanted to quit soccer pretty emphatically the whole season after two seasons, so I allowed her to stop. However, we already had dance lined up. I don’t care what she does but will always need to have a plan to do something. I’d like her activities to include something physically active but something like music or theater could easily be a secondary activity to build confidence and competence.

    To quote Dorian Yates, “bodybuilding is about building character. The body is just a byproduct.” I am so proud of the physique I’ve built and am continuing to develop. I will forever be in pursuit of refining my muscles, nutrition, and methods.  More than that though, this hobby affords me a space to become a better person (not only outside but on the inside) and model that to my daughter.  Bodybuilding as a hobby allows me to periodically hit the stage to celebrate my evolution of “good enough” snapshot versions of me. Ironically, bodybuilding became easier and more satisfying after I became a mom. I feel more confident in my body and self, not because I care primarily about being the best on stage, but because I am using the hobby as a means to become a better version of myself, and because I know who is watching and hopefully it can positively impact her, too.