#52: From Miscarriages to Bodybuilding Prep

As I write this, I am eleven weeks out from my first bodybuilding show since becoming a mom. I was hesitant to compete postpartum because I didn't want to deviate from the peace, flow, and intuitive relationship I developed with my body. However, after so much involuntary suffering last year, I found the chosen suffering of a prep to be a welcomed respite. In August and December of 2024, I experienced miscarriages. While the first rocked me emotionally, the second tormented me physically (and acutely for five months). A prep felt like light work by comparison. I also craved agency in my body--something I did not have during this time--which began with my pregnancy in August 2024 until my bleeding finally subsided from my December miscarriage in April 2025. Entering a prep afforded me agency by celebrating what my body could do. I felt trapped in a waiting period of if and when we'd try again. A bodybuilding prep gave me a solid break from feeling stuck in a grey area, because I was pursuing something else entirely. 

Throughout all of this, I held intentionality at the forefront. I had two mantras that rooted me amidst the chaos of back-to-back losses, enduring health complications, and a stage 4 cancer diagnosis of someone very close to me. The first being "Everyone goes through hard things. These things are mine and I will not let them harden me." The second, a question: with arms open wide and head up--"universe, what do you have for me?" My alignment to these mantras did not mean I was not present with heavy emotions--oh no, I held space to be with and surrounded by them. But I was able to ensure I could find joy in each day amidst this season of heaviness. I sought gratitude and joy in already having Genevieve. On more than one heavy day for me, she'd exclaim at dinner "this was the best day ever!" Grief and joy can--and should--coexist. I did not whitewash my experience either though. I allowed Genevieve to see me cry and talk about my feeling related to the losses and held space for her to shed her feelings too.

That was probably the hardest part of all of this truly--G really wanted to be a big sister and even to this day asks about if she'll be a big sister and why my babies had to have issues and could not be born. She also saw me contend with the enduring physical complications I weathered for months including the five weeks in March I halted all movement (even down to avoiding tag with a four-year-old). I could do nothing but embrace my reality and I did. 

Holding the question to the universe "what do you have for me?" got me to the place of pursuing a prep. I had countless people--friends, people who I'd see at the gym, and friends in the bodybuilding space all express that I was already pretty close to a stage condition. I waved the idea off mostly, but I did file those comments in a "universe is talking" folder in the back of my mind. But the real mover for me came from a friend's social media story share. This friend posted about the anniversary of her child's traumatic brain injury from a fall. I privately messaged her asking her how she was feeling. What she said, resonated in a big way for me. She simply stated, "today wasn't as hard of a day as I thought it would be." This was in June, and I had been dreading the coming of July 3rd and pretty disinterested in my upcoming August birthday. I got really curious about what I could do, to make these days less hard for myself. What I landed on was a bodybuilding prep. 

I was dreading July 3rd--and really just that first week in general. My sister-in-law shared the identical due date for her second child. I was already surrounded by many close friends having their second child, which was hard. But the identical due date meant I had to continue to face that full cycle of pregnancy and birth that we wouldn't get to celebrate. Of course, I am happy that they did not experience loss and were able to welcome a happy, healthy baby girl; but it elongated closing that grief loop. I held intentionality that I would untangle the complicated grief attached to their and my experience but also held space for myself to get through that grief loop. I take it as another universal sign that the day she gave birth was the day my coach sent me my prep plan. It may not have been the course I thought I'd be on, but that felt like a nudge in a forward direction.

Similarly, I had hoped to be done having children by 34. But by consciously choosing to enter prep, I allowed myself to shed that timeline. I was even able to loan out baby furniture to a friend having her second child, which felt like a physical clearing of space that too gave me liberation from trying right now or in the immediate future when I truly do not find alignment in that. I am grateful for the close friends who were pregnant that navigated the complicated with me: asked me how I was doing (not just sharing about their pregnancy), supported me in action and word, and held space for my heavy amidst their joy. Not everyone understood my need for space for the complicated grief--but those who honored my boundaries and held love and space for me enabled my healing. For those who did not understand, I stood firmly in setting uncomfortable boundaries and maintained what I needed during my time of difficulty. My birthday celebration was lowkey and nice. By no means was it a top tier day, but it didn't feel heavy (and I have gratitude in that). As my friend said: it wasn't as hard of a day as I thought it would be. 

We can choose to let darkness of circumstances suffocate and capture us. But we also have the ability to hold it, accept it, and carry it forward. That is what I intentionally set out to do. But that does not mean from the get-go we wear a mask of positive acceptance. And I hope that if you're weathering something you do not put that mask on. Of if you're supporting someone who is that you do not ASK them to put on this mask. Sit with them, listen to their release, and show up in the way THEY need. This might be uncomfortable for you; you might want to rush them through the negative feelings that come with grief and heaviness--but to truly transcend one has to organically shed that weight. Don't compound the weight by forcing positivity or acceptance.

July 6th I formally began working with my coach, Jeff Dwelle, in preparation for Battle of Texas on December 6th. But I did not go 0-60 with this goal. Prior to trying for baby number two (beginning in May 2024) I had myself in a pretty nice lean maintenance around 135 lbs. using intuitive eating and movement. I had two 10-mile runs, three-four training days, and one yoga day. I took rest days when they naturally would arise and essentially held that the different activities I had built in afforded me active rest. 

When I was pregnant with G until one year postpartum, I was completely out of the gym. I was still active: while pregnant I walked 6-12 miles a day outside and did prenatal yoga. I ran 2-6 miles with Genevieve in her running stroller daily and did yoga 2-3 times a week. When G was just under 2 years old, I joined Crunch when it opened and worked out during her nap time on weekends. This eventually evolved to taking her to the gym five mornings a week. All that to say, I graduated my activity and embraced the season I was in postpartum. I focused on eating a balanced, intuitive diet of whole foods and moving my body in resonant ways. When I did get back into the gym, I was very happy with the muscle tone I managed to sustain. I give this background to exemplify that I was never fighting my postpartum body or forcing my way back into my pre-pregnancy body--with G or with these losses. 

In fact, I maintain the perspective that our body is ever evolving and building upon experiences and habits we sustain. I treat pregnancy similarly to how I treat a prep. Three months before trying I eliminate all non-pregnancy friendly products, foods, etc. I listen to my body eating in quantities and ways my body and the baby direct me to (though trying to be as healthy as I can in movement and food selection). I will say I was incredibly frustrated and angry by the fact that I had to be pregnant--with all the changes that come with that in energy, mood, and physical changes that come with it for no reason. I am not someone who loves being pregnant--but I accept it as part of the process and embrace it to the best of my ability. My second pregnancy was nonviable, but the miscarriage would not come on its own. I took a medicine to elicit the miscarriage at home, and the cramping was worse than any labor cramps I experienced. I was out of my first trimester when I lost that baby. My body and belly had changed and all I wanted was to feel like myself again in my mood, mind, and body. 

My doctor (GP and OB) cleared me for exercise, and I worked out, trusting my body to tell me my limits during each pregnancy and throughout my pregnancies and losses. However, I found myself in March 2025 (while being cleared by multiple thorough ultrasounds and blood tests) still bleeding and contending with cramping and uncomfortable sensations in the months that followed. My OB even put me on a medication to stop bleeding, and she was confounded when it did not work, she doubled the dose and even that did not fully stop the bleeding until I opted (against her advice--she wanted me to have a D&C and I did not since there was no evidence to show a reason to have one) to try stopping my physical activity. Within a week, all bleeding finally stopped. I continued to halt activity--something very difficult for me--for 5 weeks to attempt to allow my body rest. I was again angry because I wanted to move but also knew to maintain myself without movement would be to diet, which felt like additional punishment. I found salad varieties and flavor profiles I loved and treats in Salads and Go wraps. Ironically, I didn't feel as deprived as I thought I would and was able to maintain my physical body without getting swept away by calorically overdoing it like I would have in the past. 

I give the above background to express how I did not just run to a coach to undo my body, to punish my body, or fight what I went through. I did not want to act from a reactive place. I wanted my intentions to stem from a healthy and intentional place. Once I resumed activity, my goal was to get myself back to the pre-attempting-pregnancy weight maintenance of 135 lbs. I was able to get myself to 133 lbs. in June easily on my own. I knew I didn't want to lose more weight from that place but rather wanted to bring up the conditioning of my lower body. I knew my progress with that focus would be better achieved with a coach and a prep would help me shed that additional body fat from my pregnancies and give me a great starting point for building back my lower body. When I was pregnant and amidst miscarriages and complications, I could not train my lower body how I wanted. I accepted that and am very happy with the upper body conditioning I was able to establish during that time. In June 2025, my body did feel ready to pursue a challenge. While I still dealt with some residual sensations and discomfort, I felt like my hormones had regulated and I could partner with an expert to help me achieve progress. 

While I don't know what the road forward looks like, I know the path I am currently on feels right. I am invigorated by a goal and a challenge. This prep has been unlike any other for me. Since I started pretty lean, I find myself nearly ten weeks out and still maintaining 128 lbs. and eating almost 2400 calories. Normally I lose 20-30lbs. for a prep eating no more than 1600 calories 16 weeks out, but I find myself just maintaining with great energy while my body is changing at this weight. Thus far my prep has been fun, invigorating, and manageable. I am so grateful I was curious to find a way to make the road less hard and redirect my focus. I did not let hard times harden me. I continued to move, I continued to listen, and I rest in the knowing that these experiences will shape the woman I am.

Miscarriages are a unique loss because it is a loss not felt deeply by anyone else. I felt the life force extinguish from my body, a uniquely haunting experience. People often don't count it as a loss, but it is: one of a future that you desire and visualize. I do not know if I will ever have another child. When I experienced my first loss, I told Genevieve (and continue to express) that our family is already whole, complete, and wonderful. I try not get swallowed by hope or fear, for both are phantoms. I will not hold onto hope that I WILL have another child. Nor will let fear keep me from trying if I come to a place where I want to try again. I will hold an open heart for whatever happens and knows that" the time for figs is not yet."

Everyone's life has heavy and hard--but I hope that you're able to resist letting them harden you. Amidst difficult times may you find joy and through acceptance find movement forward. We can only wing it in life, for truly everything is out of our control. May you release the reigns and relax into the ride by using what's on your actual path (rather than the one you carefully imagine). Though intentionality can aid us in processing our grief and letting go and finding movement and lightness. So, whether you find yourself amidst challenging times or mindfully choosing a challenge, I hope you keep in mind that "the path is not avoiding obstacles, but learning to walk with them as part of the way."