Parenting:Winging it with Intention
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#46: Annual Letter to Self (a direction, not an endpoint)

1/3/2023

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Every year for a few years now, I write a letter to myself the week between Christmas and the new year. In this letter, I write as if the upcoming year has already occurred. I choose not to be overly specific, or to vomit out cliche or lofty goals. I am not interested in manifesting my endpoint for the year, but rather leaning into the energy that I want to ground myself in, the self-work I aspire to do, and the impact I hope to actualize. I always have a P.S. that is my chosen word for that year. 

Each Christmas I get my new agenda for the upcoming year, and once my letter is complete, I copy my letter into the front page of the upcoming year's planner. I will find myself checking in on the letter every so often as the year progresses, I especially like to do this in June (halfway point in the year), On August 6th (my birthday), at the end of the year (where I also read my letter to Andrew). I also return to this letter when I'm going through a particularly challenging time and need realignment, or when celebrating a big win. I find myself always pleasantly surprised by the accuracy the letter holds at years end. I know some who do this exercise, and they write and only read it at year's end (some even mailing it to themselves in a sealed envelope). For me, I find so much value in referencing these words as I experience the actual year as it unfolds. 

I want to share my letter for the year that just passed, 2022 (that I wrote at the end of 2021) and detail my process for writing. Neither the specifics of the letter, structure, or process may all resonate with you (though it might). More than anything, I want to share my actual letter and process as an example to spark your own curiosity for what this type of activity could add to your own experience for the year ahead. 

2022 Letter to Self
(Written at year's end 2021)

Dear Kelly, 
While 2020 felt disrupted and chaotic (both in the world and internally) you grounded yourself in 2021. You became a mother, cleared space, and found peace. in 2022 you found your stride and learned how to channel your energy deliberately, without gassing yourself, and with greater power.

You made choices instead of reacting and operated more from a place of love, non-attachment, and acceptance. You had more fun (as defined by you) and opened your heart. When you made a mistake, you simply chose to pivot and move forward--albeit in a different direction sometimes. You practiced overcoming your anxiety, guilt, and shame. You let go of negative beliefs you carried for too long. You now know and realize your emotions and thoughts are not your identity and can be acknowledged without internalizing them. 

You have forged more meaningful relationships and your 'hobbies' genuinely enrich your life. Your days with Genevieve flow. You balance routine and novelty daily, and there are so many smiles and giggles. You are so present and intentional, and Andrew, Genevieve, and the dogs can feel it. You are continuing on the right path. You are surrendering, letting go, and giving effort all while not striving. You are where you need to be. You are doing what you ought to be doing. And 2023 will hold so many gifts and insights. You can now add more to the foundation and structures you've crafted. 

You believed in yourself, your 'goals' and had a greater impact than you ever could have imagined or planned. 

Cheers, 
Kelly 

P.S. Believe 


My Letter Writing Process
I do not believe in forcing this kind of letter. Meaning, I don't schedule a specific time on a specific day to hammer it out. Personally, I work best with brainstorming, reflecting, and drafting this piece over a few days or weeks. Since I have done this for a few years, I typically start thinking about my next letter around Thanksgiving. The energy of that holiday and reflecting on what I am grateful for naturally lends itself to such consideration. I don't typically write anything down, but I start to keep that noticing at the forefront of my mind. I may hear or read a quote that resonates, consider a challenge I am currently experiencing, or any other noticing that may benefit my attention in the coming year. 

I keep a regular daily journal, and if on a specific day I write something I believe I want to reference later, I highlight the passage or page so I can guide myself back when the time comes. I am also in a monthly women's mastermind group, and ahead of our December call (which is a reflection on our year) I brainstorm positive and negative acknowledgments that I want to carry or work on overcoming to include in the next year's letter. I write this in the "notes" section at the back of my agenda and use these notes when I draft my letter. 

I always "schedule" time to write or brainstorm my letter for the week between Christmas and the New Year's holiday. Though this year, I haven't yet written in my letter to my new agenda just yet. I completed my drafted letter earlier this week and will do one final read through with edits before copying it by hand with a pen into my 2023 agenda. I like pen because I don't want to adjust my letter. I am not looking for my letter to be a perfect reflection of what the year holds. In fact, I find as much value in a chunk that doesn't happen as I do when something aligns. I can appreciate that "it just wasn't the time for THAT" or carry that concept forward to the next year, or maybe even abandon it all together. This type of exercise isn't meant to make you feel bad or constrained, its merely a guiding light that can intentionally carry you forward (with permission to winging it when necessary). We can't ever predict (or control) the future, so shackling yourself to the words you wrote in the past bears no fruit. 

My first draft is always crafted on a note in my phone. When I consider why I choose this over a computer or paper, this is because I can quickly delete and type out what I want to say. I refer back to my notes, though typically just the act of writing them previously is enough for me to recall and write them in. If they 'stuck' that means it's probably something I am meant to include and if I forgot, it isn't (or at least that's how I hold it).

I then let this draft rest, like bread dough. I come back to it within a day or a few. Then I read it, edit it, refer back to notes and omit or add anything to my draft. Finally, I take my time copying it into the first page of my agenda, usually where there is a section for writing your goals and aspirations for the year. It always brings a smile to my face, because I love that I DO NOT write specific goals here. Instead, my specific goals are chosen as the year progresses and I feel as though they align with the message between the lines of this letter. I like to think of the quote that "the details don't matter; it's how someone makes you feel that matters." When I look back on the year (or zoom out to my life as a whole) I won't care we took second in our age group for a 10K race (fun as it was) as much as I'll appreciate how it felt every day when Genevieve and I ran together. But how it feels to appreciate the clouds, birds, and G's wiggles to her favorite songs (the girl loves jock jams), fills my soul in a powerful way. Life, as we experience it, is a feeling, not a laundry list of accomplishments. And my letter always helps me align to that. 

My P.S. is always one word that serves as a beacon for that year. This sometimes comes before the letter, and other times after. I can't remember, but I am pretty sure "Believe" came after my 2022 letter. I totally chose to take the energy from my 'happy show' Ted Lasso, and even made a little "Believe" sign that I placed at the top of the entry way into my bathroom. I laugh because the font is totally off and while it bothers me, I use that as a reminder that something doesn't need to be perfect to be impactful. When this word pops out at me in a book, a quote, or a piece of decor (like my front Christmas sign by my tree that said "Believe in the Magic of Christmas") I consider whatever it is and find it helps me realign to the energy of my letter (even without re-reading it in that moment). This letter isn't about the specific words; what matters is how I felt writing it, the positive energy I have realigning to it, and reflecting on it at year's end. 

So, if you choose to write a letter like this, do not simply copy my process (or get frustrated if your process doesn't look like mine). Same goes for the letter. Maybe yours is shorter, is a bulleted list, or maybe you just use one word, a phrase, a quote. The WHAT doesn't matter, the HOW you hold it (and carry it through the year) does. While 2023 has already officially started and you're reading this now, so what? Draft your letter in February. Or maybe hold this exercise until after the summer and before the new school year starts. Or just begin today. There are no rules. Structures shouldn't suffocate us; be open and act from a place of resonance. 

How I Hold It 
In this section I want to shed light on how my letter aligns to my actual experience of 2022. When I re-read my letter at year's end this time around, I genuinely felt a swell of pride fill my chest. As I read, little moments, memories, or acknowledgements appear and disappear like bubbles in the air. Occasionally too does a reminder of how I didn't do "THAT" perfectly (for example over-reacting to a scary situation in the car while Andrew was driving... definitely not 'responsive' but reactive). But I learned to not judge myself too harshly for the work I still need to do. In fact, I simply try to file that in the "still working on it" folder and move on. If we nitpicked every single moment of our year that we weren't 'perfect' we'd be wasting so much time and energy. At the same time, acknowledging them and facing them without shame or guilt is important too. Then I can more easily recall the ways in which I WAS responsive over reactive and appreciate the growth in that aspect of my personality. For example, I received a text about me on accident from someone in my husband's family, and while this did put a damper on my evening, I was able to construct a response, not hold guilt for myself nor permissiveness for this person's emotional appeals and most importantly I let it go (and slept well that night, which normally would not happen with something like this). 

I can look at the projects that have enriched my life, and some that I thought would, but they didn't pan out. While I had the intention to keep my blog posts regular last year, I also agreed to ghost write a blog for an author with a story I believe needs to be told to the world. I put a bookmark in my personal work, allowing my ideas and thoughts to simmer while I focused on weekly posts for that blog. In reflection, I knew in 2023 I wanted to resume writing for myself as well, but I didn't want to take away from time with G, my family, or other areas of my life. So, I renegotiated that agreement going forward (cutting back not cutting it out entirely). Early last year I took on another project with a life coach, but the arrangement wasn't as fulfilling as I thought it would be, so this is an example where I chose to pivot in that "different direction." 

I believe my focus on building a stable foundation really helped me move into 2023 with a dynamic energy. In 2022 I worked to establish routines and habits that fueled my tank, and how to fit them in our rhythm of day. An at-home yoga flow routine, meditation, daily runs with Genevieve, connection time with friends or phone calls with some of my favorite people, nuclear family time, and writings/reading/leadership projects occupy my energy in the best way. This year I plan to really build upon the foundation I have established and believe (oh hey word of 2022) I can do so without letting those foundational details fall to the wayside. 

I am most proud about my flow of days with Genevieve and the genuine peace in my home. I do not keep a strict routine with G, I prefer to refer to it as a "rhythm of day." And with a 20-month-old child, I know that as soon as we have a good hold on what that rhythm is, it is changing again. We run 3-miles + together every morning, walk the dogs 2+ times a day, play outside whenever the weather permits it, pepper in playdates and errands, and keep quality nuclear family time during evenings and weekends. Genevieve is a great sleeper--nearly never waking us in the night--eater, and a happy little dynamo. I have leaned into flowing with that. I don't worry if she wakes early for the day, we just shift our routine to fit that wakeful flow. Our schedule is light during this stage of G's life, and I believe our entire family is benefiting from that choice. Our lives won't be at this slower, lighter stage forever and we are embracing it for what it is right now. 

When I read the passage "you are giving effort without striving" I immediately think about running. I started running with G in January of 2022 and completed a 10K with her at the end of March. I never run for time, I notice time on my watch, but I do not attach to my speed. When I run with G or a solo run when Andrew is home to watch her, I simply say "I am going for a run." I know I will at least do 3 miles, but if G or my body feel like going further, we do. I do not have any races or specific goals in my mind. I simply run every day because I ENJOY it. I love that G and I both get outside and fresh air and natural light early in the morning. Regardless of the weather, we make it work (barring super extremes of course). I've naturally built up to running 10 miles for my long runs (and with the exclusion of Christmas) every long run in the month of December has been a 10-mile run. This year I could really appreciate growth through being with my doing, and not trying to force it with strict and specific goals. I am someone who can dial in with a specific goal, but 2022 was a practice in challenging myself to find consistency and maintainability. I may not have a medal to show for it, but I sure as hell wouldn't trade THAT win for anything. 

...


So, if you feel compelled to write a letter to yourself, choose a word, or use a quote as a guiding light: I challenge you to do it. Write it down and put it somewhere you can find it again. Be curious about how it can inspire, challenge, guide you. Maybe it will actually fall totally flat--and then you can realize that sometimes what we THINK we want for ourselves, is actually not what is right for us. Tools like this are not good or bad--they are simply tools. How we hold them, carry them, and apply them is what matters. This week, I stumbled upon a quote in a book given to me by my Mastermind secret Santa that resonates with the life I am building (and utilizes my 2022 and 2023 word of the year so naturally I perked up and wrote it down). I will end with this, for it emanates the energy I am continuing to bring to the life I am living as a recovering perfectionist: 
"Trusting is better than knowing. courage is found in believing."

​May 2023 be a wonderful year, and may you find a little bit more of the true self inside of you. 

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    I am a self-described learner and lifter-upper. I am pregnant with our first child, though we already have two giant babies at home of the canine variety. Genevieve Ryan is due at the end of May 2021. I am creating this blog as a space for reflection, connection, and an avenue to focus on topics related to pregnancy, birth, and parenting.

    I have my degree in elementary education, worked as a private homeschool teacher (emphasis on Montessori and world-schooling approaches), and worked extensively with behavioral science as a dog trainer (specifically related to puppies and overcoming nervous aggression). I have also worked as a program coordinator for a nonprofit related to self development, have leadership training, and dabbled in life coaching techniques. I say all of this to express the breadth of interest in various forms of teaching and to establish a context for the growth-mindset approach I bring.

    Why Winging it with Intention?

    When I was brainstorming a name for my blog, this one came to me rather quickly. That is because both winging it and intentionality are core values I hold.

    “Winging it”, or rather flexibility, represents the notion that we can plan all we want, but deviation is likely to occur and ought to be embraced. It isn’t making wrong the position or philosophy you tried and abandoned, but rather absorbing the learning and moving forward to something not originally planned for the sake of growth and greater resonance.

    Intentionality is to express that the winging it isn’t wild and free but rather guided by intention and focus. This means using research, prior knowledge, experience, and shared experiences from valued sources to guide choices, expectations, and actions.

    Thus in a nutshell this blog will chronicle my personal journey through parenting as I navigate the path using the best tools and map I currently have, while embracing new tools (and letting go of some) to help me better along the way.

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