#43: My Fourteen Month Breastfeeding Journey

Last week, Genevieve drank her last sippy cup of my frozen breastmilk supply, and like that, our near-14-month-breasfeeding journey comes to an end. I have been attempting to dry up my supply for about a month and a half (due to an extreme oversupply and proneness to mastitis, I required a slower transition). But I can happily say that I haven't pumped in over two weeks, and hopefully can just let my body do the rest of the work to dry up without intervention (in fact, I was able to get out a clog last week with a hot shower and Epsom salt haakaa and didn't need to pump). 

When I think about my emotions related to this transition, I am holding space for the hormonal disruption that I am experiencing. While I haven't pumped in two weeks, I have been dealing with incredible cramps and digestive issues since that time. I have read books about and been warned by friends that the first period postpartum is typically (though not always) brutal. Compound that with the fact that my periods are also incredibly irregular or all together non-existent and I truly have no idea what my body will do. Since my attempts to gradually pump less and less in the spring, I have also dealt with extreme tiredness and lethargy, again very likely due to my body shifting gears in this transition hormonally. I can't complain, because since having Genevieve I have had a surge of energy and hit the ground running at 4 am most days. All that to say, rather than fight my body during this change, I am leaning into it. I allowed myself to rest more and to prioritize chores and activities that energized me (or were most important). This meant instead of waking at 3-4 am, I was waking closer to Genevieve's wake up time around 7 am. While I hated losing so many productive morning hours, I knew that sleep was MORE important than other tasks and gave permission to myself to embrace that. I also prioritized yoga and running daily because both of these activities seemed to help work out clogs or lower my supply respectively. 

I remember what I PICTURED breastfeeding for a year to look like and I must say, how naive I was. I thought primarily I would nurse Genevieve and occasionally use a bottle for convenience. However, my milk supply and Genevieve's drinking style required deviations from my baseless expectations. Now that my journey has concluded I will give a brief overview of what my breastfeeding journey was like overall. I share this not because another mama will experience exactly what I did, but rather to be an example of what breastfeeding for over a year can look like when you are open and flexible to what the process actually requires. 

From Genevieve's birth to when she was five-and-a-half months, I did a combination of nursing and pumping/bottle feeding. I developed mastitis in my left breast my second week postpartum. I was incredibly ill with 104-degree fever, convulsive chills, lethargy, and pain in my breast. I needed to take antibiotics for ten days and had to pump every two hours to get out the clog. Prior to getting mastitis I had not pumped and tried to "ride out" my engorgement--which was a big mistake and likely why I developed mastitis in the first place. I abstained in order to not inflate my supply, but mastitis was much worse than an oversupply (and I developed one anyway).

The entire time I nursed I used a nipple shield. This worked fantastic and my nipples were never cracked or bothered. This required a bit more dishes/set up, but I always needed to use a haakaa during feedings because my opposite breast would let down also, so I had dishes to do anyway. I did not know that some women leak from both breasts while nursing (and also pumping) but unlucky for me, I always did. One benefit to the nipple shield was that Genevieve transitioned back and forth from bottle to breast very easily. My let down always came on quickly, so she didn't get too squirrely, and the shield actually would catch the milk and hold it so my strong let down didn't choke her. I had several mamas tell me I really needed to try to stop using the shield and felt pressure to do that. Looking back, I wish I would have ignored that feedback completely and just embraced the shield the entire time. 

Genevieve could never empty me fully. I even fed from only one breast per feed, but I was producing so much she couldn't even drain one side (and she chugged for an average of 30-45 minutes per feeding). Genevieve also had lime green poops because my oversupply created an imbalance between hindmilk and foremilk production. None of that is important except to say I would need to pump before or after feeds in order to ensure she received the appropriate type of milk to meet her nutritional needs (insert more dishes and time dedicated to the feeding process). Note for anyone reading this who may not realize this: I needed to repeat this process every two to three hours... for months. I still remember one day, maybe 6 weeks in, where Andrew looked at me and said, "I don't know how anyone could do this with a job away from home..." I say this because I truly do not know if I could have reached my goal of a year of breastfeeding if I wasn't able to stay at home and keep up with the ridiculously specific pumping/feeding schedule I had. When I needed to pump, I didn't just do it to have adequate milk for G, I physically NEEDED to pump. My boobs would become so engorged and painful and if I waited too long, I would get a horrible clog. 

Regardless of my efforts, G's poops were staying green. I was feeling very frustrated by this and had done so much research about possible interventions (for example I would shake my breasts before a feeding to "mix" the fore and hind milk inside my body). One day, when she was 5.5 months old, G started to fight attaching to the breast and was preferring bottles. Rather than fight her to stay at my breast longer, I took her lead with the transition: we quit nursing cold turkey and moved all feeds to bottles. She was happier, it was a little less work for me, and her poops gradually returned to a mustard/brown ideal color. During that time, I remember not feeling sad that I was no longer getting to connect with Genevieve through nursing. Instead, I felt grateful for those moments and memories (I am still surprised just how much I LOVED breastfeeding) and even more grateful that I could-- in that moment-- meet Genevieve where she was and give her what she wanted instead of clinging to my own feelings, desires, and emotions. By letting go, I was also letting the next phase come and giving Genevieve permission to take the metaphorical reigns. 

From 5.5 months until 12 months, I exclusively pumped. I didn't even know this was a thing until a friend told me this was how she was breastfeeding her baby when I was in my second trimester (maybe I had heard of it, but I never really thought about it until I needed to, I suppose). I would pump before G woke up, during all naps, and before I went to sleep at night. I was clocking 70+ ounces of milk A DAY (that's roughly 5 pounds of milk) and was getting up to 29 ounces during one single session (that's one and a half pounds of milk). One weird benefit to my milk production was that I never leaked in my clothes. I joke that I am a camel because I don't know how it's even possible to hold a pound and a half of milk in my body and not leak, but I never did (ok, I would wake with an occasional wet shirt after sleeping on my stomach, but that's about it).

In fact, I could not easily hand-express milk. I needed to pump or haakaa to get my milk out. I also could not put the little bra on that holds the pumps in place and multitask. No, I had to have the haakaa on one breast and then simultaneously pump the other and massage and milk myself. In my research, I learned some women have "sticky milk." I believe this is true of my own milk and took sunflower lecithin daily to help my milk flow, and it worked very well. I am SO happy to not touch, look at, or think about my stupid breasts. I literally pumped 5-6 times a day for almost 6 months, and it would take 45-60 minutes to set up, pump, and do the dishes. So literally I now have five to six hours of my day back... literally a part-time job's length of time. 

Once Genevieve turned one, I knew we were going to transition to cow's milk, and I would begin the process of drying up formally. Though I had cut my pump schedule back from 5/6 times a day to 4/5 times a day from March until May. In May, I was still producing 30-40 ounces of milk per day. At this time, I needed to begin using an eye drop that is not safe to use while breastfeeding, and so I decided to stop producing milk for G to drink and began pumping and dumping. This also allowed me to relax on my coffee consumption and resume drinking protein powders and otherwise have less caution to my intake (a welcomed respite since I had been overly cautious by choice). I had a freezer supply of milk that I continued to give Genevieve. I was able to donate some of my freezer stash to a mama who struggled with her own production, but still had plenty for Genevieve. 

While we do not keep a strict time of day schedule, we do keep a rhythm of day schedule. So, in May, after G had her 12-month checkup and with her doctor's guidance, we switched Genevieve's two most important bottles of her day to cow's milk cold turkey. She receives 6 oz upon waking and 8 oz before bed. Since we made this change Genevieve has not woken up in the middle of the night or earlier in the morning a single time (it has been WONDERFUL). She loved the cow's milk from the get-go too.  Her little body did just fine adjusting to it (a little looser stool at first but it normalized after two weeks). Then I would give G bottles of breastmilk upon waking from her two naps of the day. I liked this as a structure to promote hydration, but also, we had always fed Genevieve upon waking, rather than to fall asleep (except she would get a bottle before night sleep or if she woke in the middle of the night throughout the first year). 

During this transition to cow's milk, we also transitioned to sippy cups. Genevieve loved the weighted straw cups with a handle on each side. We first transitioned her morning nap bottle, then her second nap bottle. After we had consistent success there, we transitioned her morning waking bottle and then finally her bedtime bottle. Our doctor expressed that we should try to have her fully weaned by her 15-month checkup, but I can happily report that G was done with bottles a couple weeks after she turned twelve months. We were relaxed about the transition and Genevieve was already used to using the sippy cup with the straw because we introduced it as her water bottle when she was six months. 

So now that Genevieve is fourteen months old and I am all out of milk, our schedule looks like this: 

~7:30 am: wake for the day, 6 oz of cow's milk in a sippy cup in her crib while I vacuum 
8:30 am: solid breakfast (usually scrambled eggs and cinnamon cream of wheat with half a mashed banana)
Nap 1: usually a solid 2-3 hours 
~1:30 pm: Snack (half a fruit and grain bar with one rice rusk or veggie puffs while we read in her room)
2:30 pm: solid lunch (usually chicken, zucchini, sweet potato, StonyField yogurt, and veggie puffs)
Nap 2: usually 1-2 hours
~6 pm: Snack (half a fruit and grain bar and one rice rusk or some puffs in her room while we read to her) 
7 pm: Solid Dinner (12 grain toast, avocado, chicken, zucchini, sweet potato, shredded cheese) 
8 pm: Bedtime Bottle (8 oz of cow's milk in her sippy cup while we play lullabies and play on the couch with lights low) 
8:30-9 pm: Falls asleep unassisted in crib for the night 

After my own experience with breastfeeding, I have a newfound respect for any mother who breastfeeds for any length of time. The process is difficult, emotional, consuming, but oh so gratifying. I committed to twelve months of breastfeeding and while I had many obstacles, I know I handled it like a champ. I went into the process in the same way I commit to a bodybuilding prep. I know it's a commitment that requires months of sacrifice and dedication and many would look at circumstances and say, "why not stop then?" But I knew I could do it and I knew I would find value not only in sustaining my daughter, but also lessons for myself. For instance, one of those lessons, allowed me to continue improving my relationship with food and abstain from binging or eating too indulgently (which was a continuation from my work while pregnant and greatly assisted me as I transitioned into my postpartum body). I was able to build a sustainable maintenance diet that I could adhere to and enjoy. I am grateful for my experience, not because it was easy or perfect, but because it was mine. 

Genevieve's last sippy cup of my breastmilk