#42: Six Years Married + Fourteen Years Together

As I sit here on the morning of our anniversary typing this and enjoying my piping-hot coffee in a still house, I feel so much gratitude for the home Andrew and I have built. 'Home' here isn't modifying our physical house, but rather the foundation, frame, and comfort of our relationship. Andrew and I are both children of divorce (although my parents remarried one another and his remarried other individuals with stepparents and half siblings). That being said, we both came into our relationship with the mindset that choosing each other and growing together is a choice you make again and again. Divorce is common--in fact when I googled the 2022 divorce rate, it is predicted to be over 44% due to the pandemic. Since divorce IS common, we appreciate that our dynamic is uncommon. I can say there are merely three other couples who we look up to and whose relationship we care to emulate of all the couples we've ever met. In today's post I want to describe six practices (in honor of our six-year wedding anniversary) that make our dynamic uncommon. I do not prescribe them to work for everyone, but I hope you may find a nugget for your own relationship. 

1.) Live Life Together, Not Adjacently 
Andrew and I spend a lot of time together (and have since the genesis of our relationship). We notice many couples have full lives apart from their partners. They travel for work or pleasure regularly and separately, they go to a gathering where the wives and husbands mix and mingle separately, and where overflowing calendars and obligations leave little time to deeply connect. While Andrew and I do spend time apart and doing our own thing, that is not the primary way we spend evenings and weekends. We make plans together, connect over shared entertainment, have rich and deep conversations, and prioritize family together time. When we do socialize with others, we are still sharing the experience and spend time with other couples or groups of people that allow us to all be together. We choose to live a life regularly where we do not need to update the other on what our nights or weekends were like, and instead share inside jokes or callbacks to the memories and moments created together. Identity outside of your relationship is important but are a smaller piece of the how-I-spend-my-time pie. 

2.) Share Responsibilities as Needed, Not Equally 
We do not divvy up tasks equally nor keep a running tally. We simply figure out what needs to get done and get it done. Andrew works, but also cooks for the household. For one, Andrew is a phenomenal cook, but also, he ENJOYS cooking (where I do not). I often find recipes, punch them up, or help out if Andrew needs me to (putting on baked potatoes or any other task needed at the time). Sometimes the best way to divvy up responsibilities comes down to who hates doing that thing the least, and that is ok. I do not feel bad that I have never mowed the yard, just as I hope Andrew doesn't feel bad that I fold the laundry, make our bed, and clean the glass (all things Andrew can look right past). Our household requires and array of chores and responsibilities and we seek to fill in the gaps and needed and jump in when we are the right person for it (or step up if that person needs a break). 

This is also true for parenting responsibilities. While I am the parent who is primarily home with Genvieve, Andrew too knows her rhythm of routine. On weekends during the mornings, I often get to be (as I affectionately refer to it) "secondary parent." So, I can wake up and do my thing and if G needs something, Andrew gets it. I can wake up, go to the gym, write, run errands, or anything else I want. Sometimes I want to drink my coffee and watch G run about her room while Andrew plays guitar. But I have a break from my daily responsibility that helps me refresh and recharge. 

Communication is important here. We often create a list (which is really a conversation, though we often write it down on our shared "grocery list" note for reference) when we have tasks that need to get done. Or communicate what we need to do and when and what we might need from the other person. We do not complete tasks and keep a running tally for who did what or whose turn it is to vacuum, we just know it has to get done in the day and one of us does it based on what makes sense naturally. Most of the time that requires that I do it, but I always appreciate when I come in from a run and Andrew is vacuuming while Geneieve takes a nap. Divide and conquer, and don't hold it over the other person's head. 

3.) Fight Not to Be Right, But to Re-Align
Fighting (which I will operationally define as being in disagreement) is an inevitable element of any relationship. There WILL be times when you disagree, get angry, hangry, irritated, or simply pissed off at your spouse. When tensions are running high in our house for any reason Andrew, and I will express "we are clearly not aligned and need to get aligned on this..." We both know during a "fight" our relationship is never on the line, and instead we need to re-align. Through the years we have learned the dance of what that needs to look like for us. I can be sharp and biting, so when I need silence and space initially, Andrew has learned (because I have learned to communicate) I need space to process and if I am not given that, I will say something mean in order to get that space). I have learned that when Andrew is insistent on handling the matter immediately, that what he really needs is assurance that everything will be fine. When we come back together to discuss (usually within an hour or so) we can communicate our feelings about the situation and resolution. We form new agreements or discuss how the situation will be handled in the future and expectations. Our "fights" have always left us feeling closer and empowered us to handle a similar situation (or argument in general) better the next time around. An ideal relationship is not FREE of fights, we can lean into them and grow together through them. 

4.) Routine is Essential, But Novelty Is Valuable 
Our days and weeks are pretty routine. Andrew works out three mornings a week before work, I go to the gym in the morning on Saturday and Sunday, we go to the grocery store as a family and eat pizza for lunch and dinner on Saturdays. On workdays, we cook dinner at home, go for a family walk, and spend some time together as a family before maybe watching a show we both like before going to bed after Andrew's 9pm work call. Yes, our days are fairly predictable--some might even say boring. But this predictability also affords us the peace that comes from flow. Flow creates a dance, and we each can better anticipate what our next "step" is in the process. This allows ease and quality time to take root. 

But so too do we allow novelty to fill spaces of our life to periodically add spice to our days. If Andrew is held up at work later than normal, we decide to get dinner with G at a patio. If it's too hot for a walk with the dogs, we load the family in the car for a car wash visit and ice cream at a location determined on the fly. Or Andrew may be cooking dinner and I decide to invite friends over to join us (we cook enough on a nightly basis to provide for a dinner party). Yes, while most nights may be predictable, we add in novel and unplanned activities all the time too. There is joy in abandoning routine, but I am a firm believer than routine is an important baseline structure to family life (or at least is for our preferred family dynamics). 
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5.) Love the Past Versions, and the Current Version Too 
Andrew is not the man I met at 16. Nor is he the man I married at 24, or even the man who I had a child with at 29. He has grown, evolved, and our relationship has deepened with the passage of time. He would certainly say the same about me. We genuinely love and support the "good enough" current version of one another. We don't have a list of grievances for how each other needs to change, but instead are a support beside one another as we focus in on our own areas for potential growth. We don't look down on the versions of us of the past either, we know those versions were important to become the version we are now (which will one day become another 'past version').

I do not believe in "soul mates." There's likely not a perfect individual who will suit every need and have nothing to work on. Rather, I believe there are many people out there with whom you could construct a meaningful life. But one must choose to love the person in front of you (as they are) and also support them as they grow (and continue to seek growth for yourself). Love is a choice and choosing to love someone and giving them grace for their imperfections allows them to give you the same. There will be seasons that are more challenging than others, and when one of you struggles, you need that other person to lean into who can not only support you through darker days, but love you through them, too. 

6.) Live For EACH Day, Not THE Day 
Every. Single. Year. We forget what day our anniversary is. I am not joking. We are always wondering if we got married on May 29th, 30th, or 31st. In fact, I have a wine bottle gifted to me from a friend with our anniversary date and if it wasn't for that I am not sure I'd ever trust we celebrated on the correct day. Part of the confusion stems from the fact that our wedding anniversary is the day after our together anniversary. Because Memorial Day fell on our actual anniversary when we got married in 2016, we couldn't use the exact day as we wanted. By the time we got married, we had already been dating and living together for years. Therefore, legally being married wasn't a huge deal for us. We chose to get married at the courthouse in Fort Worth (where they shot all the old Walker Texas Ranger episodes) with only two close friends. Andrew helped me pick out my wedding dress, bought a small bouquet of white flowers I wrapped in burlap ribbon, and we put any money we'd spend on a party into upgrades on the house we were building.

We chose to invest in each day, and we continue to do that in the context of our relationship. I still have beautiful memories of our wedding day: the power going out at one of the bars we went to and only having the candles light the space, our vows feeling so deep and intimate, and the bows that Leonidas and Tucker wore (in that same burlap ribbon) a client made for them. Yes, I hold my memories of that beautiful day, but I appreciate the subtle and simple elements of celebration. We do not go overboard on celebrating, and instead choose to reflect and connect when celebrating "a big day" in our lives.


To me, the true value is living each day close to Andrew. I am so grateful for all the versions of Andrew who have loved all the versions of me. This morning he said, "can you believe we've been married for six years?" I looked up from pumping and simply stated, "yes." "Me too," was his response. The greatest gift he could ever give me is his time, affection, and care. I am lucky that he doesn't just give me these things on the big days but showers me in them each and every day. So here's to another year of growing, loving, and living.