#37: Her Body, Her Choice (Supporting Body Autonomy in Littles)

As a child with a rather large extended family, I dreaded hugging every relative upon arriving and departing from social gatherings. My defense mechanism was to simply be hugged, rather than embracing back (or I'd offering up a side-hug with my lips in a tense line). Then there is the memory of an uncle who tickled me until I peed myself. Another, of my repeated efforts to flee a man who would try to pinch my cheeks when he came to my mom's work. My uncle responsible for that embarrassing moment (one I was teased about for years) is a loving and kind man. The gym-goer who chased me around to pinch my cheeks was teasing in that "fun-loving-way" and meant no ill-will. Regardless of their harmless intent, the impact on me was negative and lasting. So too was the guilt I felt about needing to embrace every family member at gatherings. I mention the above examples related to touch to express partially why I am sensitive to the importance of body autonomy and boundaries. 

While Genevieve is young, Andrew and I are responsible for helping others understand and respect her body boundaries. This means that if 9-month-old Genevieve decides she doesn't want to be held by someone, she doesn't have to be. Actually, G has been a very independent kiddo from the get-go.  She fights being cradled and dislikes swings and bouncers that hold her. She'd much rather be free on a play mat and prefers falling asleep independently in her crib. Though at this time, she is very willing to be held by different people without any fuss. Developmentally, babies have separation anxiety from their parents. I see no need to "fight" through this stage, but rather believe it is fine to accept this temporary quality. By respecting her stage of development (that will change as she progresses) we hope to foster a positive association with touch. 

Genevieve has a very large extended family. Already she has twelve aunts and uncles, three sets of grandparents, eight cousins, and four living great-grandparents--all of whom live hours away from her. That being said: it is very likely that she does not inherently understand the "label" attached to the individual who wants to hug or hold her. I do not want to make an assumption that Genevieve will not want to embrace her extended family, but I too do not want to assume that she does. Rather than saying "go give grandma a hug hello!" We will instead say "Would you like to greet grandma with a hug, knuckles, or wave?" In this way we give Genevieve a limited number of choices. Developmentally open-ended questions are too much for kiddos; so, I would not want to say, "How would you like to greet grandma?" Though if G decides she really likes handshakes, and decides that is the way to greet everyone, that is a-okay with us. 

Another important concept of this exchange is the response of the person Genevieve is greeting. If someone uses emotional appeals "grandma would be so sad if you won't give her a hug..." or "show grandma how much you love her with a big hug!" Andrew and I will not only use that moment to (with emotional neutrality) express that Genevieve has choices for how to interact with this person, but also have a conversation when G is not around about avoiding language that may guilt Genevieve into stepping on her boundaries. Our hope is that extended family and friends will be patient and understanding as Genevieve forms her own bond (on HER terms) with each person. Prior to returning to visit with extended family I will share a message about choice in greeting, patience, and emotional appeals. This is simply to help avoid awkward moments and help everyone interact from the same page. 

Body autonomy is more than just hugging and holding though. While we adorn Genevieve in bows and dresses for now, we will be mindful of her preferences as she forms them. So, if she decides bows aren't for her: we will support that. If she decides she wants to wear a dress every day, we support that too. In fact, when G is old enough to weigh in on her own clothing, I will always put out two options for the day for her to select from (again, kids like a limited number of choices at this age rather than an entire closet of choices).

We also respect her autonomy at mealtimes. As her parent, I can control what she has access to eating. Genevieve is in control of what and how much she eats. I want her to learn to trust her cues for when she is full. Similarly, I will respect her food preferences and aversions. When introducing a kiddo to solids it often takes 5-7 introductions for them to like (or tolerate) the food. Genevieve hated salmon at first, now she eats it every week. Previously, she only ate eggs pureed, but now loves them scrambled. This shows preferences evolve and by continuing to calmly and without force offer different foods and preparations of them to her, she is able to explore and interact with them on her own terms. 

Another important element of body autonomy is understanding the appropriate terms for body parts. Genevieve will not hear "who-ha" or whatever other silly term is used for private parts. Instead, we will use correct anatomical words: vagina, labia, penis, testicles, breasts, nipples. Using these labels also helps protect Genevieve from inappropriate touch. A child who is able to use these terms is better able to thwart an abuser and would be better able to communicate to a trusted adult any inappropriate experience. 

When Andrew and I discussed the topic of having a baby we only disagreed on two things. Ironically, I would not have thought of them as related to the value of fostering body autonomy. While I was in support of circumcision if we had a boy and piercing baby's ears if she was a girl, Andrew disfavored both. In fact, his argument was that both dismissed the child's choice in the matter was what convinced me to change my position. To me, it made sense to circumcise because traditionally that is what is "normal." Then I wanted to pierce our daughter's ears because it wasn't until the third time as a young adult that my ear piercing took; I thought doing it while she was a baby would be easier and she'd be happy it was "done" already. However, Andrew's argument was valid: the kid deserves a say in something that permanently alters their body. 

Genevieve will be raised to determine for herself how she embraces those in her life (including us as her parents). We will respect her boundaries and help others do the same without having expectations or using guilt. I understand that there is a learning curve. Older generations don't inherently think that you should ask a little if it is okay to pick them up before doing so, or simply give them time to come to you instead of expecting a hearty embrace from the start. Like Ted Lasso says, “Well, you know my philosophy when it comes to cats, babies, and apologies, Coach. You gotta let 'em come to you.”   How much more meaningful is a hug or kiss when the kiddo is excited to give it?