#35: Heart Full of Love (and Fears)

February is the month of the heart. Not only in the Cupid-and-Chocolates L-O-V-E kind of way, but also in the heart-health kind of way (American Heart Month). So, today's post merges both celebrations. Earlier this month, Genevieve had her fourth cardiologist appointment. We had another EKG and limited ECHO; I can attest that keeping an 8-month-old baby calm during all the probing is definitely more challenging. All things considered, G was a rockstar. Fortunately, her VSD looked a bit tighter, and the doctor was happy with her overall growth and development. Not only can we push Geneieve's next appointment out, but this also means we do not need surgery, medications, or activity restrictions. Though, Genevieve DOES still have a heart defect (that may never heal entirely). So, we will continue to monitor her heart for years to come. Andrew and I continue to keep this topic far from our focus (but are well versed in any symptoms we need to watch for). There is no point to worry about what could happen. I still avoid googling details, and I listen and ask only relevant questions to G's medical team. 

As positive as I try to stay about this, I would be lying to say it doesn't weigh on my own heart. Going into this appointment I didn't have the same belly-full-of-butterflies I had for the previous three. But fatigue found me when we were comfortably back at home after G's appointment. Later that same evening I felt compelled to write a post about this topic--not specifically about Genevieve's heart--but fears. 

I can't say why, but I have always handled significant problems better than the small ones. I respond very well to crises that arise, but often find myself wasting energy ruminating on smaller problems or inconveniences (something I am consciously working on improving). While my brain (somehow) is able to let go of the need to focus on Genevieve's heart condition, my amygdala would cling to a mild concern about Genevieve; I will use sleeping as an example to explore. 

Genevieve has been a phenomenal sleeper from day one, when she was asleep, she stayed asleep (and is thankfully a long sleeper so two-hour naps are a norm for us). She needs very little time to fall asleep, doesn't need set rituals or a tight bedtime, and wakes maybe once a night. While it sounds like I have hit the jackpot on infant sleep--mama fears have definitely kept me from fully appreciating it. 

​Most mama friends I talk to share the fear that something may happen while their baby is asleep. I have had countless conversations about devices that track vitals, room sharing-crib transition, breathable mattresses, and the stress-checks to make sure baby is still breathing. There are times where I zoom in and watch the monitor to see that Genevieve's chest is rising and falling. Other times I feel compelled to go into her room and see for myself (which occasionally results in her nap ending prematurely). No doubt some of this mama anxiety stems from the fear of SIDS and the fact that much is still unknown about it. 

My fears were exacerbated after reading from What to Expect in the First Year. When I was reading the "month overview" shortly after Genevieve's second Cardiologist appointment, the book speculated that SIDS might be tied to an (undiagnosed) heart condition in baby (this is why I avoid google, people). I immediately felt my shoulders rise and the deep breath caught in my throat. I thought: but my baby HAS a heart condition, and what if she experiences heart failure while sleeping and I can't see the signs? 

The above question is exactly what runs through my mind when the urge arises to check on her during her slumber. My mind convinces me that I should go and check on her because if I found her unresponsive, I would know sooner and could therefore resuscitate her (it sounds dark--I know).  I do not have the urge to check on her incessantly, it is a fear that comes and goes. I also work consciously to break this attachment to fear. 

As time has progressed, I have gotten better at holding this mama fear. I don't have this fear during her night-time sleep (ironically). Genevieve has been in her crib from the get-go. But for the first four months I slept in my reclining glider across the room from her crib with the baby monitor propped next to my head. Our doctor's recommendation was to wait until Genevieve was four months and approximately 12 pounds before letting her sleep longer than five hour stretches at nighttime. But she went from sleeping five hours to ten/eleven hours at a time quickly, and that was when I returned back to the master across the house at bedtime. 

If a negative thought or urge to check on her comes to mind while I am falling asleep, I let myself breathe deeply and clear my mind of the fear I am irrationally experiencing. I found that with time I could "get over" the fear and fall asleep faster with this practice. Also, those intrusive thoughts now come to mind less frequently as I fall asleep. 

Naps--for whatever reason-- are a different story. I attribute this to the fact that I am awake and therefore those intrusive, fearful thoughts come to mind while my mind is alert. I continue to resist the urge to check on G (though occasionally still do). I align to what is actually happening in order to resist my reptile-brain's desire to cling to fear. So, I tell myself: "G is sleeping well, you saw her move on the monitor five minutes ago, she's not sick and is acting normal: YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY." 

Fortunately, with intentionality, time, and self-talk practice this concern occupies less space in my mind. If this was something I was dealing with that was having a crippling effect on me, I would absolutely seek help and support from an expert. If you are reading this and you are dealing with a crippling fear postpartum, I encourage you to lean into an expert to support you. However, from my many conversations with all types of mamas I find this fear (and fears in general) to be commonly shared in the experience of loving a tiny little person so deeply. I too know that peace does not come from the absence of stress or anxiety but from the ability to not attach to (and in fact resist) those negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Our amygdala is always going to fire in an attempt to keep us (and those we hold most dear) safe and WILL occasionally misfire. 

​When negative emotions rear their heads, we can choose to let them run wild and over-react, or we can consciously choose to overcome them. As a parent, I learned (even while pregnant) the mind will always worry (or worry we should be worrying about something we aren't yet aware of). From my shared example I hope you are able to give yourself grace for having your own mama fears and also work hard to face and overcome some of your less-desirable responses to them. Our kiddos learn from what we do (more than what we say they should do) therefore I prioritize working through my own stuff, not only for the benefit of preserving my own happiness, but also because I deeply want Genevieve to healthfully cope with her own fears and anxieties. 

Genevieve (Feb 2022-8 months old) at her fourth cardiology appointment at BSW