#31: Binge, Body Dysmorphia, + Baby: A Thanksgiving Post

 This will not be the average 'expected' Thanksgiving post about giving gratitude or feeling grateful. Instead, as we enter the holiday season, I want to talk about a topic many (if not all in my opinion) women struggle with in some capacity... food. 

I have wanted to post on this topic for quite sometime, though the frame and context had not seemed *just* right. With the winter holidays, centered around overflowing plates, decadent sweets, and 'New Years Resolutions to lose X pounds, I feel as though this topic may ring resonant with those of you reading. Whenever I share about something that can evoke a sympathetic response the enneagram eight in me wants to challenge the reader not to have sympathy for me. I am a firm believer in what we go through, good or bad, holds a lesson for us. We can utilize the learning to rise above and evolve (which is what I am currently doing). I hope it evokes self reflection on the ways in which your own relationship with food, exercise, and body image impacts you (whereever you find yourself in life) and can aid you in your own journey in some way. 

Where to even begin? I could write endlessly on this topic and go off on many tangents. I will attempt to keep it tight, and likely revisit this topic in future posts. 

High Level Context
"The universe wanted you to have a girl so you could work through your food stuff." This is what Andrew said to me one evening after learning we were having a daughter. I could do a deep dive on all the signs that I had issues with food and body acceptance throughout my life (lets just say when your name rhymes with 'belly' and 'jelly' teasing is almost certain). Or I could detail the people and experiences that built upon one another to lead to issues with food or body image. But I will spare you the details of all of that. Honestly, focusing ones energy on those details feels like retreating into victimhood (something I ain't about). So instead I will attempt to speak to a few key moments in recent years that helped me realize "oh, this is a problem" and "I am the one to take charge in order to change."  

After my first bodybuilding show in 2018 I remember having no real understanding of the cyclical process of the sport. By this I mean I had no idea the hormonal and emotional depression that would follow and the importance of a reverse diet. In fact, I had agreed to work with a coach for a 16 week prep. Once the show was over, I didn't even think about continuing to work with a coach or know why I would even need to.

After the show I did not have another goal lined up and felt so deprived, I went full crazy on food. I gained thirty pounds pretty rapidly and was anxious and depressed. I could not look in the mirror or even put lotion on my body (touching my own skin was almost physically painful from the emotional distress of 'touching' the extra weight). People often think body dysmorphia is when you look in the mirror and see a 300 lb version of you. But that ain't it (at least not for me). It is where being in your physical body is painful and you have a total disassociation with the body you feel versus the body you see. I spoke with a friend about this who experienced something similar after her first show. She said her husband taped every mirror in the house so she could only see her eyes to allow her to put on her makeup without having a meltdown. Body dysmorphia is rough and in my experience, would come in waves, not be present in this severity all the time (thank goodness). 

 I hated going to the gym and lifting and felt disconnected and unhappy. I would severely restrict my calories and then binge on snacks or literally anything in the house. I knew I needed to get myself under control (that's what the 2018 version of me wanted: control). At the time I knew I could not put a lid on the binging. But me being me, the one thing I could do is overwork and put in crazy effort to combat the binging. So I made a new goal: distance running. If I couldn't control my caloric intake (which would result in inevitable weight gain ) I could attempt to outrun a poor diet (word to the wise: you can't).

I often write about 'checking your motivation.' While I didn't take stock in this at the time, now I can see my motivation to run in races was not from a good place. It wasn't from a place of challenging myself, love, or passion. Instead I was operating from a fearful place and a place of lack (not being enough). I ran the Cowtown for my first race (a half marathon) and then was training for the Silo full Marathon. In training I was under such severe stress that I actually got the flu and two months later had shingles. All this to say, my body and mind were in a terrible place. 

People would see the goal I was training for and applaud my effort and ability. However now I see that the value is not in fact in achieving a goal. To me what I value much more is the intention. I planned to immediately go back into a show prep after my second race. I ran my second marathon (I completed a Dallas half since my 18 mile runs in training were wearing down my body). That same weekend I got shingles but I started my bodybuilding that next week anyway (I just didn't sprint because it felt like my eyeball was pulsing out of my head if my heart rate was high). All this to say: my motivation for these things were not good. For my second show prep my goal was very specific: the post show reverse diet. I truly did not give a shit about the stage, I knew I needed to reverse diet and figure out how to gradually gain weight back. 

I completed my second show in November of 2019. I reversed very well and immediately went into a prep for another show in April of 2020. To be honest, I was terrified to not be told what to do by a prep coach. I was proud that I hung on to my progress for so long. I would love to say I liked how I looked. To be honest, this was the best shape I had ever been in in my life. And while looking in the mirror didn't send me into a full panic and breakdown (as it did after my first show) I would still perseverate on the elements of myself I didn't like.

Let me tell you, if you think you'll get to a point in your progress that you don't pick apart your flaws, you will always find something. I literally started hating the wrinkles in my neck, the shape of my jaw, and structure of my lower stomach--weirdly specific things, that NO ONE else would notice, I know, it is absurd (that's my fucking point). I share this because I want to point to the value of perspective and motivation. If I am operating from a place of picking myself apart (whether I weigh 205 lbs or 105 lbs) I will continue to see and highlight the negative regardless of my progress. Similarly if I am eating well and working out to lose weight or like my appearance, I will only feel as though I am not there yet (and therefore it will always be unattainable). 

I was two weeks out from my April 2020 show when the lockdown hit and the world (and gyms) shut down. I was hanging on by a thread: I was having cheat meals but didn't have the celebration of a show followed by a structured celebration and reverse. I was willy nilly with my diet (when I am usually spot on with my prep plans).  I felt so deprived and the combined sugar spikes weren't helping. Then a week later I was rocked by Leo's terminal cancer diagnosis. I felt so much shame as I told my coach basically "I'm out." And I entered another wild binge cycle. 

When I was at my low I remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom rubbing Leo's neck and I remember telling myself to feel: feel the pain in this moment (which was debilitating). I told myself this wouldn't last but to remember it, to use it. I believe if I hadn't felt that pain and gone into that spiral the learning I gained wouldn't have been as strong and truly wouldn't have led me to the realization that I did in fact want a child. I realized a child would make me happy and that my barriers were fear of pain in child birth and the fear of ruining my body. Once I realized that was the motivation to not have kids and that it wasn't coming from a good source, I decided to be brave, not overthink it and surrender to both processes. Pregnancy was not a magical experience for me (I felt neutral to it) and birth wasn't a miracle (but not as bad as I thought it would be) and both were absolutely worth the outcome: Genevieve Ryan. 

The Ah-has 
I began journaling and reflecting during this time. I gave myself space to process what I was going through. I realized that this most recent binge was truly something I have done my whole life. I would binge then follow that up by intensity of working out too much to combat it and/or significant food restriction. I almost shamefully admit that I am grateful for that intensity because it kept me from getting disgustingly fat (sorry if that offends you but that's the way I would describe what my mind would say about it). I knew I wanted to not only break my binge cycle temporarily, but reconfigure my relationship consistently. 

Pregnancy gave me a nine-month space to work on not binging. My previous motivation not to binge was just to not hate how I looked. But while pregnant, I had the superior and positive motivation to fuel my body and baby appropriately. I didn't want to binge because I knew developmentally that could negatively impact Genevieve. When I was diagnosed with prenatal hypertension, it gave me an even better reason to clean up my diet even more. I got into a groove of eating and craving my "clean prep" foods. Not because I cared how I looked, but because they made my body feel good. They enabled my headspace to feel clear and calm. And because I had months of being pregnant, it allowed me to develop a habit over a period of time. 

I carried this routine postpartum though initially I would overeat on the weekends but not go into a full-on binge. Now at six months postpartum I am in a pretty consistent 7-day routine and may have an occasional off meal or a few extra treats but I am valuing how good I feel all the time over the temporary gratification and comfort food provided. During pregnancy and postpartum I have relied mostly on walking in my neighborhood and yoga with an occasional workout or run intermixed. I eat the same breakfast and lunch and rotate healthy home cooked dinners. I bake and eat cookies and treats and continue to drop weight postpartum without tracking macros  or focusing on a strict exercise regimen. Basically right now I am working on a sustainable maintenance with food. Then I can add back in my physical endeavors too. 

I haven't worked out at a gym since October 2020 when I canceled my membership while pregnant after Andrew got Covid there. I didn't gain weight in my pregnancy until mid-late second trimester. I would never look at the scale at the doctor, but my OB commented on the fact I hadn't gained any weight (but baby was growing well). I lost all my pregnancy weight when I was 4 weeks postpartum. That was the first time I allowed myself to weigh and I remember being shocked since I ate a big deli sandwich for lunch everyday, snacked on cookies and granola and minimally exercised (I say this, but I still moved my body more than the average person but didn't have a regimented routine per my over-doing-it self). I was equally shocked when I'd look in the mirror and did not hate how I looked but rather could acknowledge this version of my body was just different. I can't tell you how actually big that was for me. I gave myself grace and found something to like and knew eating and fueling my body for the day meant I would have energy for Genevieve and be in a good headspace. 

Amazingly I found that by not fixating on my body or what I looked like and surrendering to pregnancy and postpartum, I was unattached to my body's appearance. And by being unattached and surrendering I naturally continued to like how I looked and felt. I do not think the goal is to not care about your image at all, in fact I do believe in certain regards the way you look does reflect your overall health (to an extent). And I believe there is value feeling comfortable in your own skin and clothes. Similarly I do not believe activities like distance racing or bodybuilding are inherently bad, and I plan to do both again. Only this time MY motivation will be different. Instead of competing in a contest because I am trying to outrun a poor diet or try to get to a body that I am not ashamed of, I will hold a different view: 

Now I will see the contest (and work that goes into it ) as a celebration of what the body can do. The process and training are rooted in the values of discipline, hard work, health, follow through, and overcoming a challenge. These are all values I wish to model to Genevieve. I will not do the "before and afters" because truly we only have "this version" of our body. In fact looking at my body as "this" version helped me cope with my pregnant body and feeling comfortable in it. Also from competing, I knew many mamas who had killer physiques and trained hard and didn't have "ruined" bodies from the process.The community is also a huge reason I love competing. The people I have met in these worlds are incredibly wonderful and inspirational. Continuing to build relationships with like-valued individuals is another benefit that these hobbies add to my life. I believe there is value of checking in and taking stock on why we choose to do what we do. 

My intention now isn't to go to an extreme. Of course, when I am at the later stage of a race prep or a cut for a show prep balance will temporarily be thrown off. But I am working on developing a long-term consistent diet and exercise regimen that adds to my life and fuels me with good energy and endorphins. Then I can lean in to the tougher seasons of certain stages of prep, celebrate, and move back into a balanced place. 

Awareness is so important. I say this because I remember saying "oh no I don't have an eating disorder, I can just eat a lot..." But after having awareness that emotional distress would lead to bags of chips (or two) and full peanut butter containers eaten (among other things), I forced myself to face the music. When I realized the ridiculous amount of hours I spent at the gym were because I was trying to work against myself: I lost the desire to want to be there at all. I do love lifting, I do love sprinting on the stair master, I do love a hard ass group fitness class. But I needed to step away from those things fully and breath and pull out completely. Because I am intense it is easy for me to go balls-to-the-walls crazy on something. But I am working on not being a flip switch, and instead trying to be a dimmer switch. There is power in my intensity but I am trying to illuminate brightly (all the time) and not short my fuse.

That being said: its why I do not count macros right now, it is why I don't have ironed out workouts and a prep plan. I know I can lean in to a plan too much and then I am not consciously choosing. To overcome this it needs to be a conscious choice: not something I am doing because a coach told me so. This does me I do not care at all or am willy nilly. I am working on intuitively eating because my body has to relearn what 'hungry' actually means. My brain always tells me I am hungry and I am never 'full' until I am busting at the seams (I wish this was hyperbole but it is not). I am relearning (or maybe newly learning) how to listen to my body and what it needs and fuel it appropriately. Preps have taught me how to balance a meal, rely on healthful whole foods, and know what it feels like to be in caloric deficit or surplus. I do not food restrict, judge myself for eating "bad foods" or withhold calories because I ate too much the night before. I jump back into my planned routine and let it go. 

For Genevieve 
Sure it is easy to say, "oh Kelly, you should do this for yourself..." Right. Got it. And honestly, I am. Except realizing that my interactions with my body, food, and exercise will impact Genevieve's self perception motivates me to conquer my own demons in a completely different way in addition to 'doing it for me.' And I am doing work on this NOW when she is a baby so I can have practice developing a healthier habit with food and image by the time she is *watching* me.  It feels pure and empowering, to be better for her. Being a mother has made me realize that the greatest value in life doesn't come from (or for) the self but in service to other. So for Genevieve, and by connection myself, I will continue to work to better my interactions with food and body image. 

I have already been reflecting on, brainstorming, and researching strategies to instill a positive body and food association for Genevieve. I am not naive, nor am I saying my actions will allow her to be free of negative feelings, but what I am saying is I am going to be intentional and try. This means that she won't see me pick apart myself, tout a fad diet, talk about weight loss or gain, point out a flaw in a mirror or picture. She will see me compliment myself, eat balanced meals and also treats in moderation. She will see me go through phases of being more strict during a prep, celebrate, and return to a normal "maintainable" pattern. We will give her a plate of food and say "here you go" and not comment on how much she eats, force her to eat, or call foods "good" and "bad." Just as kids do not need to "workout" (play IS working out...) we do not need to make her a nutrition nazi. I am not going to be a parent to police her to only eat "good" foods. Instead I want her not to see certain foods as (delicious) evils and others as (boring) angels. Lucky for her papa is a fantastic cook and nutrition doesn't have to come with a hit to the taste buds. I want her to simply know balanced and nutritional foods fuel your mind and body (and can taste good) and sweets treats and savory salty and cheesy things feed your mind and soul (but also need boundaries and moderation). 

My hope is that by creating an environment of positive self talk, Genevieve will develop an inner dialogue that does exactly that. Which means I need to model these skills to her and help her practice doing them herself. I hope that one day in her teens she might say, "ohhh, a balanced meal involves a decent lean protein, complex carb, and vegetable..." Not because I tell her this over and over in childhood. This will be her regular interaction with food at mealtimes. So I will  lead with the action so then she can learn the reasoning behind it later. I hope she'll value that a balanced meal leaves her feeling energized and satisfied and then be able to better parallel that to the stomachache that follows fast-food or a more indulgent meal (things I will allow her to have and do).

By mindfully parenting around this topic I hope to empower G to make good choices because she wants to, not out of shame or guilt. I am a firm believer that learning is experiential. She will not get her greatest ah-has from me telling her what to do or that eating too much halloween candy will make her 'sorry later.' Instead I will let her experience a bellyache from candy and talk with her about the feelings (without judgement and with neutrality). I am well aware of the pressures of people, media, and social media around weight and image. I cannot protect her forever from those voices. But I can bolster her inner dialogue. I will let go of what I cannot control and focus on what I can and provide more support if and when I need to. 

Current Pursuits 
Now I want to share a few interventions I am currently doing that aid me in my pursuit of reshaping my relationship with body image and food. I am ever building upon this list, nor am I perfect at doing these things. I am human, and doing my best and have and will continue to falter and learn more. That's life, that is being human. 

• Balanced meals: A meal for me constitutes a lean protein + complex carb + fat source + fruit or vegetable 
  • I usually have a fruit with my breakfast and lunch and a vegetable with lunch and dinner 
  • examples of lean protein: chicken, turkey, egg whites, fage greek yogurt, halibut (occasionally proteins with more fat: steak, salmon) 
  • examples of complex carb: granola (mixed carb + fat), oatmeal, white rice, sweet potato, russet potato, red potato 
  • examples of fat: egg yolk, nut butter, granola (carb + fat), EVOO from cooking, salad dressing 
• I make sure the snacks I have are satiable and nutritious but I do allow myself a treat each day too (I have gotten into baking and like to make and keep peanut butter chocolate chip cookies at the house) 
• Moving the body doesn't just physically improve your health but mentally and emotionally does too. It doesn't need to be intense (yoga practice or walking will do it) but do it regularly  
• Make it sustainable: Avoid going too extreme on your food or activity goals, you will burn out and the yo-yo cycle will continue 
• Do not see foods as good and bad: the key is moderation. I have gained weight being keto and overeating "healthy fats" like nuts, oils, and avocado. The key is learning that caloric intake matters and everyone's caloric intake is different. If you want to lose weight: MUST be in caloric deficit, maintain weight" MUST be in a homeostasis point of intake-activity, and if you want to gain weight: MUST be in caloric surplus *unless your hormones or thyroid are thrown off this is an absolute* 
• I use a "letting go" practice that allows me to "stop" my negative thought (seeing it as an opinion and not my identity), say "I do not like that thought." Ask myself "what feeling is here?" (usually pride, shame, or guilt), feel that emotion and let that shit go. 
• I know my triggers: bad night's sleep, increased stress, holding negative emotions, bad allergy days, unpredictability. I remind myself "oh you'll want to use this as an excuse to comfort eat.." and I fight the urge to do it. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I fail, but most of the time I eat an extra treat or two and move on. To be honest, that middle road often feels like the biggest win... 

I could itemize more things I am doing but it feels resonant to end this list here. I want to conclude by saying if you are struggling with your relationship with food and self image and you need someone to talk to: I am here to listen, share more details of my journey, and support you in any way that is resonant for you. I do not have all the answers, nor think I have it all figured out. Our bodies are not who we are. What they look like isn't of utmost value. I do believe that our physicality is a window into our mental and emotional health. I do not believe this from judging others, but rather because of my own learning about how the two are linked. If I am insane peak shape or extra thick, I know I am usually not in an optimal headspace. What I am also learning is to not judge, shame or pick apart myself. Not to tell myself to suck it up and just try harder. I am instead having grace, taking it smooth and slow, and finding a sustainable normal.

Last night we had Whattaburger. Normally eating a "bad food" would trigger me just to go fully "off my rocker" and snack and overeat. I would order the most indulgent burger and a larger fry. Instead I ordered a normal double cheeseburger and regular fry. I did eat some peanut butter crackers after dinner but I didn't need to go crazy (and we have pie, pretzels, M&Ms, and jars of peanut butter in the house...so I could have). I share this example just to say right now it takes more effort to maintain healthy boundaries with food (see how  I say boundaries now instead of control...) and I am here to say it gets easier with practice and when you have motivations that are empowering instead of judgmental. Soon it won't be something I have to hold in my mind's eye and I can flow with more easily. But just like learning to do anything: practice and time are imperative. Happy Thanksgiving!