#30: A Birthday Post for Papa and a Partner for G

It is only fitting to dedicate my thirtieth post to the celebration of  Andrew for his thirtieth birthday. I had been brainstorming and was having a difficult time settling on what I wanted this post to be. Should I sing the many praises of Andrew? Ought I instead make it a gratitude post for the rock he is to our family? It wasn't until I was pouring my first cup of coffee at 5 am the morning of his birthday while the house slept that the topic came to me: a post about partnership.

Mostly, I do not write directly to Genevieve in my posts (though I am aware my last post used this voice as it was one of my 'quarterly letters to G'). Though for this post as well I will be writing to her about the hope I have for her to find solace and value in a meaningful partnership in her life. When I first thought of this the immediate image in my head was "I will write about the husband I want her to have." I checked myself quickly to remove the expectation that I have that she will have a husband (or even be interested in men). I too want to ensure that I am not projecting the partner that works best for ME as the partner that is best for HER (or any one really as all dynamics are different and can be equally successful). 

In a world where we are currently raised to focus on the individual, I want to highlight the value of partnership, leaning in, and trusting another to build a live together. While growing as an individual is important, I believe so too is it imperative to remember we can find a compliment to ourselves and we do not need to be everything to ourselves.

Don't Go It Alone 
You are of course an individual. Your individuality and self identification is important. That being said, there will be many versions of you as you progress through your life. You are never fully actualized. Therefore finding your partner should not occur when you are perfect or fully love yourself. All versions of you deserve love. Regardless of the phase or season you find yourself, a partner can enrich your experience regardless of where you find yourself in life. Remember to give this grace too to your partner. 

Don't wait for the 'right' time to find a partner. Instead be open to those around you. I never expected to find my husband in high school, and your papa is not the same man today as he was then. If I would have subscribed to the story 'I needed to date around' or 'was too young to have a serious relationship,' I would have missed out on holding onto the love of my life. Your partner may come into your life early, at a low point, or when you least expect it. Try to resist holding a story of why it can't work and just allow the relationship to organically be and become whatever it will be. I did not date your father and say 'this is going to be my husband' at 16 (he was awesome, but nobody is that awesome). I simply allowed us to go through that phase of life together and we continued to build upon each phase together (high school, college, and beyond). And I am so grateful for the shared construction of the life we are continually crafting. 

Be careful not to focus only on your needs, wants, and desires. By building a fortress fit for you, you will lead yourself to a life isolated. If your world is so perfectly build for one (you) there may not be room for another. Your partner is not an accessory to your life: they are a builder. Humans are social creatures, we need other. We strive for a tribe. Compromise is important here. There will be times where you need reconsider (or abandon) your plan or expectations. In fact, often having too specific of a vision of what you want (or think you deserve) can hurt you in appreciating the partner you have. This is not settling or giving in, it IS allowing the path to organically form. Be open, but rooted in your values. Lead with trust and remember that being heart broken and feeling is better than not loving at all. For you will recover and have a greater understanding of what you need in a partner.

Compliments: Not the Same, Not Opposites 
Your father and I have always said we fit together well because we are compliments. This means that he's good at what I am not and vice versa (or we each hate certain tasks less than the other). We are similar in the sense that we often enjoy similar things and have similar foundational values. Yet we are divergent. For instance, when completing your nursery, I would sketch plans for a side table, closet organizer, and bookshelf. Your papa would then build it. I do not need to be the planner and builder because we can each contribute our own part. One is not better than the other. I do not need to do everything, for I have a partner who can share the load with me. To feel empowered, capable, and strong I do not need to do it all. It is okay to lean in to your other. 

Above all this is what a partner does: share the load. This doesn't mean pressuring the other person to do something. Rather it means seeing what needs to be done and breaking and giving with who does what. I absolutely hate washing pump dishes. I can do it, but I really don't want to. When dad is home, he does them to lighten my load. He doesn't hate it like I do so it is 'easy' for him and much appreciated by me. When dad is dealing with something at work, he communicates the situation and seeks counsel from me on how to resolve the issue or better resolve the conflict. Papa loves cooking dinner and meal prepping, I bake and make the appetizers. By leaning in to each other and offering complementary skills and completing complementary tasks, we share the load and do not keep track of who does what or 'more.' So long as we are both content with our contribution, what ever the dynamic is is in fact adequate (regardless of the perception of others). 

We simply (and naturally) fill each others gaps and the needs of the household. I like to joke that I would never want to be married to myself, one of me is enough. I bring skills and value to our partnership but if I only had those skills and values I would not be as happy as I am now. Similarly if I found my opposite there would probably be more arguments and unsettling because usually opposites operate from different base values. Compliments allow sharing of responsibility. In a world where the woman is told to 'do everything for herself and never need a man' (insert partner) I hope you see the value in leaning in to another and DO NOT feel shame or guilt about NOT 'doing' it ALL yourself. 

Quality Qualities 
I cannot say what qualities you will hold to highest priority in a partner. However, I can share the few that top my list for you to consider for yours.

First is the value of having a growth mindset. Your dad is not the man at thirty that he was at sixteen, twenty one, or even twenty eight (nor am I the same woman). We like to say our relationship continues to deepen because we have grown together over the years. We have both grown and changed and sometimes you will feel the growing pains as your partner helps lift and challenge you. Do not fall prey to the "I can't change, this is who I am." We are all only ever becoming. Who we are and how we spend our time is a choice. Choosing not to change is also a choice. Remember, perfect doesn't exist. Therefore we hope that as we live our lives we continue to refine (and sometimes fully reinvent) ourselves and change (for the better). Our partner can help us elevate ourselves and we can be that same support for them, while giving grace to one another in the process. 

Seek someone who understands boundaries. This person ought to understand when a no is a no. This also means they need to help work with you to form the boundaries you share as a family (remember a family starts with two, you do not need a child to constitute a family). For instance, your papa and I have the boundary that we will not spend holidays in Saint Louis. We share the boundary of valuing  the dogs are with us and the formation of traditions in our own home over visiting our home town (which is not home to us). *Of course this is our own shared family boundary and not the right way for a family to spend holidays, no judgment if you do it completely opposite.* When we need to communicate with our extended family or friends we will often say "we need to get into alignment about _____." We share in the formation of the boundary and make sure both of us are in agreement about the resolution. We do not fall pressure to the desires of other, but hold firm on our family boundaries. 

Share your life with this person, do not merely live life adjacently. I find those with the busiest lives spend the least time with their partner, almost living two completely different lives. Burgeoning social calendars, travel for work, and myriad individual activities lead to a dynamic where two people share a home but are disconnected. You do not need to eliminate all the aforementioned activities, in fact a balanced and enriched experience for you and your spouse will enhance your life together. What I am advocating for is the pursuit of time together. 

Your dad and I have shared activities and interests that overlap. Whether this is working out together where I design and put us through a challenging leg day or your dad plans a fun day trip: we build time together. There is something special too about daily connection:  like our daily evening neighborhood walk, sitting down and watching a show (we both enjoy) before bed. Find someone whose presence brings you joy. Your dad is funny. We love constructing jokes and 'bits.' He is interesting and always sharing some factoid or bit of information he learned. He listens to me with undivided attention. And above all we can sit, not talking or can feel like we are together when we are doing our own thing in proximity to one another. 

Genevieve, I cannot promise you won't feel heartache. I cannot find the 'right' partner for you. I can only hope you seek someone who is best for you in that moment who continues to inspire and challenge you to grow and become. I hope you find someone who allows you to do this same for them. You must remember there is no version of you that you must become before you deserve the love of a partner. Allow the relationship to form and grow naturally and lean in to the person in that moment without trying to 'make' them what you wish them to be. Find alignment with values and boundaries.

After your papa finished his slice of birthday cake I made for him on him yesterday, he looked at me and told me, "In thirty years, you are my greatest accomplishment." And my darling I hope you find that: someone who chooses you and loves you deeply. For it isn't what we accomplish in this life but rather the meaningful connections we find, foster, and fondly hold in our memory.