#26: A Love Letter to All the Mamas

Dear Mama, 
Regardless of when, how, or why you became a mama: I support you. Being a mama can feel overwhelming, isolating, and like any choice you make is up for scrutiny. I have made it a priority to connect with the myriad mamas in my life in pursuit of empathizing and understanding the different avenues that lead to a happy child and family dynamic. Guess what? There is no single *right* way. If you are *shoulding* on yourself: stop. If you are *worried* you aren't enough: know that you are. If you are defensive when talking to another mama who does "it" *better* than you: empathize that she is simply choosing what's best for her family. If you have AppleTV I highly recommend watching the mini docuseries: Becoming You. Andrew and I watched this while pregnant and again after G made her arrival earth side. This documentary follows over 100 babies and kiddos in their first five years of life all around the world. It exemplifies how a healthy and happy family look different for everyone. Regardless of the philosophy you subscribe to your baby will hit those milestones, become bonded and connected, and develop their unique identity. 

I find it so interesting to talk to mamas who are similar to me AND different from me in their approach to parenting. Not because I am judging their choices and how it impacts their kiddos, but because it helps me get clarity on what is resonant for me. I think we often shy away from conversations with those who do it differently than us for two reasons. The first is to protect ourselves from guilt or shame and to justify our decisions. The second reason is because we do not want to seem judgmental when we share a deviation from the other person's approach. I strive to communicate openly and with curiosity: not judgement. I challenge you to seek conversations about the different ways mamas do things and listen. Listen not to speak your defense, but to hear why it resonates for that mama. In doing so you are more deeply leaning into that relationship and connecting, and you might find a nugget organically in there for you that you hadn't previously considered. 

By seeking mamas who do it similarly to you, it may help you see that even those more like you, still do it differently. Even if your foundation or philosophies are the same, no two styles are truly alike. By connecting in to those similar to you, I think it can be an easier springboard into accepting other perspectives and strategies. There is comfort in finding those who are aligned to the strategies and values you hold. These are often the mamas that I go to first when I am feeling stressed or that I am struggling. This is not because I am seeking confirmation of my ideas, but because that mama is better able to empathize with where I am coming from in that moment. For instance, when I knew I needed to have a scheduled induction, it was INCREDIBLY helpful to talk to other mamas who had scheduled inductions *bonus points for the several mamas who also had elevated blood pressure (not preeclampsia) like me. Hearing them NOT describe a negative experience, but a positive one was SO helpful when I felt vulnerable about this element of my journey to mamahood. I of course still connected with mamas who had different experiences, but the most resonant conversations at that time were those similar to my journey. 

There really are an infinite amount of ways to do just about everything. Books that dictate a style, research to support the approach, and anecdotal stories can leave any mom or mom-to-be with whiplash. Here is where intentionality is key. f you are doing your best, using the best information you have, and are happy with the choice and dynamic for you, your little one, and your family then you're doing it right--because it is therefore what is right for you. I have genuinely enjoyed being a mama. I can't say I loved being pregnant. In fact, just yesterday when asked when we'd like to have Genevieve's sibling I immediately responded "I don't know, I don't even want to think about being pregnant." I find some feeling of shame and guilt in typing that, but nonetheless it is my genuine feeling. It isn't right or wrong, it is simply how I feel.

I think as mamas it is important to notice how we feel and the perspectives we hold. Noticing is different than judging. I can consider how I feel or a thought that comes into my mind and let it go. And then I DO NOT judge myself for the thought or feeling. If you don't practice yoga or meditation, both of these practices can help you notice, name, and move on from a feeling or thought. Most people find meditation intimidating because they feel they need to think about nothing. But really, meditation is simply a practice of letting go and non-attachment. Then, in real life when an anxious thought, shame or guilt creep in, you can let go and not attach more easily. By letting go of random noise or distractions in your practice, you've developed the "muscle" to do the same in a genuinely stressful real-life moment. 


So here's to you: mama or mama-to-be (or mama-to-be *hopefully* soon): 
Whether you love, hate, or feel detached from the baby in your belly: you're going to be an amazing mama. If you deliver your LO unmedicated, medicated, cesarean, induction, naturally, planned, or via an emergency procedure: you have a safe mama and baby and you did it right. Regardless of what you decide to do after maternity leave, as long as you're happy with the balance you maintain, that is what's important. If that means working away from home, working at home, seasonally working, side hustling, full or part-time positions the dynamic that suits your family right now is what is best. Whether you want to be the main caregiver during the day, utilize family members, rely on a school-like daycare, or at-home day care: your baby will learn and socialize and enjoy their day. Some need regular date nights or girls nights away from baby while others may just want a break to go to the store, do some self care, or hit the gym. Others may struggle leaving baby at all--listen to yourself and the timing and break you need. I personally cannot imagine leaving G with anyone other than Andrew right now and won't leave her for more than two hours. This doesn't make me love her more than a mama who wants a longer break, it is simply my personal feeling and preference for right now. 

Whether the topic is sleep, feeling, socialization, or enrichment of baby: there are a million-and-one options to choose from. Many experts are split on "the best way" so don't let anyone tell you which way is best--or that your way is sub par. Can't or don't want to breastfeed? That's fine, have you ever met an adult and been like "ohh, I can tell you got formula when you were young..." No, you can't. I have seen mama's say "I am not REALLY breastfeeding because I use a nipple shield," what an absurd judgement. Purees or baby-led weening? Your baby will learn to eat a diverse diet regardless. Does your baby bed-share, room-share, sleep in their own crib? Do you sleep train or rely on attachment parenting? I promise the best decision on sleep is the one that yields the best peace-of-mind and sleep for mom and dad--regardless of what the details are. Are you getting your baby out and about right away to experience all-of-the-places and meet all-of-the important people in your life? Are you keeping baby at home and keeping socialization to a minimum for your own reasons? Baby will be fine. Safety and socialization pros and cons are best balanced by mom and dad. Whatever you are most comfortable with is what is most important (if you're reading this as a loved one of a new parent: ask, don't assume and please avoid guilt trips and judgmental comments). 

Mama, by wanting what's best for your baby, you are already proving you are doing what's best for baby. There will always be new information, change in popular fads, and things you wish you would have known. Learning is experiential. You don't know what you don't know until you don't know it. Operate from a place where you try your best and are always free to shift or pivot. Connect with mamas who are like you and dissimilar to you, I promise both hold value. There is no place for competition among moms (we all probably have our own internal critic who is loud enough anyway). And for that reason, regardless of your methods, I support you and I know you got this.