#23: Mind the Mental & Awaken Authenticity

A Reflection on + Response to Simone Biles' Self Ejection from the 2020 Olympics 

​I have noticed two distinct reactions to Simone Biles' self ejection from the Olympics. Camp one rolls their eyes at her lack of grit and ability to push through a mental challenge. Camp two celebrates her ability to prioritize her mental health above accomplishment. I have been thinking a lot about her decision and the enduring precedent of this moment. What does it mean for other athletes? Young women? Myself?

I am first immediately taken back to a moment in my own life where I was mentally struggling. I talk about this offline in intimate conversations but don’t really speak of it broadly. I had been running myself ragged: back-to-back bodybuilding competitions, commuting for work, two side hustles, and a job that involved many moving parts, rework, and time. I literally was waking up at 2:30 am to start my day doing cardio and answering emails before the gym (ridiculous, I know). But I told myself “I can do it. I just have to stretch a little more. I can get through it. It will be worth it.”

It wasn’t worth it.

Praise for accomplishments at work or progress towards my prep didn’t fill me up, but rather made me anxious about the next thing I needed to push towards. On the surface it looked like I was handling it all beautifully but I was melting down, depressed, and the stress made me physically ill (I developed a rash on my elbows and knees that immediately departed when I quit my job).

I am grateful for this time for one simple reason: it ripped me from the ‘grind it out, work harder, your worth is measured in output’ mentality. I ran myself so thin I had no choice but to take a hard look at my choices. I always say we learn the most from our best moments and our worst ones. This was a dark time, but one that holds so much value and impact on the choices I make now.

A turning point for me was just before quitting my job at an emergency therapy session. Andrew scheduled it close to work and immediately following my work day so I couldn’t refuse. He was a great support at the time, but loved ones can only do so much. 

At the appointment the therapist had me do an exercise: “You’re going to die in one year, in one minute write down everything you wish to accomplish, go.”

What if I told you I sat there for 45 seconds, unable to write down even a single thing? The therapist looked puzzled. I am not someone who cries often, especially in front of others. But my eyes would not stop leaking for the entire session. My tear-filled eyes found hers and I uttered “I don’t know what I am suppose to write.” The word ‘suppose’ is key. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I only had the thought of “what should someone’s list entail? What accomplishments would sound good?”

We sat in silence, I took a deep breath, and when she reset the clock I tried to consider what was really meaningful to ME. By the very end of the exercise (where time was limited to one day of living) I came to three things on my list: time with Andrew, my dogs, and twin nieces. With this genuine awareness (and awakening) the tears stopped flowing. 

The next day when at a work meeting where two vital people would be absent, and would inevitably result in rework, I was bolstered by the energy from the session the day before,  I simply stated “I can’t do this, any of it. I quit.” I drove home, sun on my face, windows down. By the time I got home the rash that had plagued my skin for weeks was gone, the weight on my chest lifted, and for the first time in a long time I laughed. 

As someone who has always put a great deal of value (if not all of it) on accomplishment and performance this was a tough blow for my ego.  I thought if I didn’t see something through the world (or mine at least) would crumble.

It didn’t.

Not only did my world not fall apart, it got better. I told my coach I quit my job and got a cheat meal and immediately reached out to contact about a job opportunity. While I might have just endured a forest fire, it was quickly extinguished and the land was quickly and visibly fertile. If I wouldn’t have left, Andrew would have never considered accepting a job with his current company that relocated us. We wouldn't be where we are and very likely wouldn't have Genevieve.

The physical, mental and emotional place I am in today would look completely different had I not ejected myself. Some transitions cannot occur with time and care, but rather need to be ripped off life a bandaid. When one is in a mental crisis--like I was or like Simone--the bandaid has got to go, NOW. An accomplishment is worth nothing if it costs you your peace. Grit is not doing something hard at the cost of yourself. Grit is overcoming something challenging that transforms you. I argue that Simone (and myself) were in fact gritty for stepping aside abruptly. Facing criticism and disappointment while  being vulnerable is a fucking hard pill to swallow. I would argue it is actually easier to push the needs of yourself deep down and achieve than it is to ask for what you really need: a fucking break. 

The place I find myself now is not only or authentic, but also more fulfilling. Happiness and joy were never priorities for me. 'Happy' was a word used to describe an accomplishment. I was happy to do something. But happy isn't a descriptive word for something, it is actually a state of being. Being happy has nothing to do with something, it has everything to do with oneself. 

I made a very conscious effort to remove myself from unending (and unhealthy) cycle of multitasking. When we are stretched so thin, we cannot really do anything well. There is this obsession with itemizing everything as a component to one's worth. Hell, even the way people talk about their hobbies has to sound impressive or yield additional income. Fuck. That. 

My challenge to anyone reading my rambling is this: 
Look at ______ in your life. What is your motivation for it? How does it fill you? 

If what you're doing costs you your peace each and every day, if you are constantly looking to the future when it won't feel so heavy, and if the greatest joy that comes from what you're doing is that it was hard and you're glad its behind you: it might be time to check your motivation. I believe wholeheartedly in doing challenging things and pushing past metal blocks. However, if you are doing those things to prove your worth or to chase happiness: you'll always come up empty. The only thing that exists truly is this moment. If you are always living in a space of anxiety and stress in pursuit of your goal, it will catch up to you. I would argue too that you need to dig deep, because at the surface I would have tried to excuse what I was going through or write it off as a beneficial: go below the surface and really reflect. 

Your worth is not in what you do. Your identity is not what you accomplish. If you were going to die tomorrow, would you want people to itemize the shit you did or bought? Or would you want them to speak of who you were and the connection you had? I know my answer. 

Simone did not make her decision lightly. She did not slink away in shame, but stood on the sidelines to root for her teammates. THAT is who she is. She thought her mental condition could cost her teammates any chance of medaling and said "I will step aside, but I will still be right here." When I quit my job, I still volunteered at a fundraising event that occurred later that month. It was not easy to see all those people who saw my struggle, AND I wanted to show up and help. Showing up despite the blow to one's ego: THAT takes grit. 

I share all things not for a pat on the back or for anyone to say "good for you." In fact, I cringe at the thought of some rah-rah comments. My intention in sharing this is to shed light on mental health. Because I doubt many people would think I would have this type of story to share. I think many people were floored to hear Simone Biles had this story to share. And I know so many more people have this story too (or are living it).

Making a hard choice holds value for our character (our being). Sometimes that involves seeing something through 'til the end. Sometimes that is letting go. I am grateful for Simone's public decision and grace. She is brave and from this moment, others may find the courage to be brave too. Before I would look up to and marvel at those who had packed schedules, loads of trophies, and accolades. Now I actually look at them more closely and more often than not I have pity. Pity because I know what it felt like being in that rat race and can feel the anxiety coming off of them and the sense of worth they are trying to find as they use words like 'busy' and 'crazy' to describe how things are going. 

There is so much peace in letting go of the ego's attachment to performance and esteem. There is so much joy in being present. As I turn thirty next week I remind myself that I do not need to be everything I will ever be by the time I am thirty. Right now I am a stay-at-home mom. Right now I get to spend each day appreciating the rapid growth of my daughter. I am not preoccupied with what else I could be adding to my plate. Right now I am not worried about what anyone else thinks I could or should be doing. I have space to breath and space to add more, and will as time goes on and I am able to say yes to things that genuinely fill me.

There are seasons to life, and Simone took extra care in watering her seeds in this season so she has many more to come, and for that I applaud her.