#21: Be Our Guest

Andrew and I relocated to central Texas prior to conceiving Genevieve; as a result, most of our family and friends live far away. This means having important people meet Genevieve is a bit more challenging to facilitate. People cannot just pop in for a one or two hour visit, but rather need to take a plane or several hour road trip with overnight stays. After being new parents for nearly two months, having our first visitors come and depart, and more on the way in coming weeks, I wanted to share some suggestions for guests (and new parents preparing to host them). Meeting a new loved one is an exciting moment, but it is important to remember it is a huge transition for new parents, and being considerate and conscientious of their needs and boundaries is imperative.

If you are a loved one who will be a visitor: you can ask the new parents how they need to be supported and be respectful of their boundaries. 
If you are a soon-to-be or new parent: consider these suggestions and get clear on your preferences. Then communicate your needs and boundaries to your loved ones (since personal preferences are variable).

ONE: ASK (& Don't Assume for All-Of-The-Things) 
By asking questions, you are taking the heat off of the new parents in a big way. You are communicating the notion "I am sure you have preferences, let me know how I can accommodate them." While meeting a new baby may also be a big moment in your life too, the new parents likely have quite a few loved ones who feel that way. This means that juggling the new and very irregular schedule and needs of a newborn combined with scheduling visitors can feel overwhelming. Asking questions can help both the guest and the new parents become clear on how to make the most out of the first visit. 

Some questions that can be helpful to ask new parents are: How long would you like us to stay? Would it be better for us to stay in a hotel or with you? What is the best method of transportation to get to you from the airport? Is there anything we need to do ahead of time to prepare for the visit? Is there anything in particular we should bring with us on the visit? What can we expect the day-to-day of the visit to look like? How can we support you? Would you like us to help care for the baby, if so how? Cook a meal? Clean? All-in-all there are so many ways to support new parents, and the level of support desired will vary depending on the parents. 

TWO: MAKE IT EASY (No Expectations) 
This one can be hard. This baby is likely not the first you have met (and maybe you have children of your own). This means you will naturally want to rely on prior knowledge or your  own preferences to determine how to be supportive or interact with the baby. But it is really important to remember that things change over time AND personal preferences vary across people. If you read this post and only take away ONE thing I hope it it this: DO NOT compare what you did or what another parent is choosing to do with the boundary of the parent you are visiting. Be considerate that the parent is making the choice that is most comfortable for them and what they perceive as safest for their baby. 

When I was growing up it seemed like an abundance of visitors in the hospital with any and everyone holding the baby was the norm. Beyond even our very strange Covid times, this is still not as commonplace as it once was. Even if the parents do desire visitors, hand washing, sanitizer, and other precautions are taken that previously were not. Another very important safety consideration that has changed over time is the caution against allowing others to kiss the baby. RSV is a highly communicable and dangerous to tiny bodies with new immune systems. Again, here every parent will establish boundaries aligned with their comfort levels. Some may determine that hospital guests are wanted, no masks are needed, and kiss away. I personally did not want visitors in the hospital (Covid made that easy). I also require anyone holding or in close proximity to Genevieve to wear a mask and wash thoroughly. And absolutely no one will kiss or put their face near my baby. 

Also, do not assume that all parents want or need the same level of support. For instance, Andrew and I prefer guests to be exactly that: guests. We handle all the baby care needs: diapers, feedings, changing clothes, etc. We want our guests to hold Genevieve or "coach" her on mat/tummy time. If she cries in the night, it is Andrew or myself who ought to respond and if my baby is crying while being held by another... give her back. Similarly I don't want them cooking, cleaning, or tending to the dogs. Andrew and I made sure we were in a good groove prior to visitors, and while well intentioned, it is simply easier for us to do it ourselves.

While these are my boundaries, other parents may absolutely love handing off some baby care temporarily to a visiting loved one, and that is okay too! Again, it comes down to individual preferences. So be sure to ASK what the preferences might be, don't compare what someone else (or you) wanted, and try not to have hurt feelings if the way they need to be supported isn't the way you want to support. 

THREE: ACCEPT (Without Push Back, Criticism, or Bargaining) 
Whenever I talk to people about boundary setting, it is rare that someone responds with "setting boundaries is easy." In fact, this is something I think just about everyone (if not everyone) struggles with. This is often because setting a boundary can lead to opposition or bargaining for the other party to get what they want at the expense of the person setting the boundary (insert guilt trips, eye rolling, dismissiveness, or passive aggression here). If you want to support new parents, then accept their boundaries and requests. Don't push back with your own preferences at the forefront, don't criticize or compare with what others are doing, and DO NOT try to get them to put a gate in a stone-wall boundary. Hurt feelings and passive aggressive responses are palpable. While some people feel guilt embarrassment to these responses, mine is to become angry and resentful. All of these responses are emotionally distressing, and new parents have enough on their plate. So even if you really disagree with the need to wear a mask, get a TDAP booster or flu shot, or really want to kiss that baby: don't beg, bargain, or criticize. I know from experience, making those decisions doesn't come lightly. 

FOUR: SAFETY FIRST (Newborns = New Immune System) 
I have touched on the safety concerns a bit in previous sections but it is so important I wanted to outline it again. Andrew has said several times how he is glad we had Genevieve in post-Covid times because masks are normalized. This not only protects G from Covid, but also RSV. Babies have emergent immune systems, so what may be a mild cold or cough for an adult or child can result in a hospital stay for a newborn. For this reason more than any, I ask anyone at this time to wear a mask while holding G. When we have guests we only require them to wear masks in the house if they are very close to (monitoring for tummy time) or holding Genevieve. We will do photos outside with Andrew or I holding G and the family around us for a mask-free photo, but otherwise it is masks on for now. Also, while I had heard of the importance of the flu shot for those wanting to visit baby, I had not heard of the need for a TDAP booster. My pediatrician was insistent that anyone visiting needed to get a TDAP booster to protect G from whooping cough. Basically if you've had one within 5 years, you're good; but if not, then schedule an immunization prior to your visit. Remember the mild inconvenience of a shot or mask results in protecting that sweet little one you can't wait to meet. 

With every safety boundary I have established, I have done so with the confidence of G's pediatrician. Doctor's suggestions vary. What mine may suggest may differ from your own or another baby you've recently been around. AND you don't need to tell a new parent about that. My pediatrician expressed taking significant caution: mask up, get immunizations, and limit contact. Therefore that is what Andrew and I have done and will continue to do. We had planned a trip back to Saint Louis for the fall, but nixed it because our pediatrician felt the time of year (flu and RSV season) prior to G being six months old was not an ideal situation. Andrew and I also choose never to travel to Saint Louis during the holidays or winter months, so that pushes our trip to next spring. A choice met with some disappointment, but rooted in reasoning too. 

FIVE: ENJOY (Bonding Together) 
Boundaries are not about rules or restrictions. Boundaries are helpful in maximizing the quality of the relationship and time spent together. During your visit simply enjoy each others company, including the new bundle. Bond and interact within the established boundaries. Talk about the baby but also don't talk about the baby! New parents are still fully-formed people and want to hear about you and talk about things beyond baby. Keep in mind too mom and dad may not want to share every detail (especially medical details) with you. So keep those questions general and broad unless they seem to want to share more. 

Remember too that new parents are figuring out and jugging a lot (on significantly disrupted sleep). So DO NOT add unnecessary burdens onto them. This means sort out your own travel details, do not try to stretch a trip beyond the length of time they ask you to keep (I know probably shorter than desired), and just keep the attitude that you are supporting these new parents how THEY need, not how you WANT to support them.