#14 Lessons from Leo

One year ago today Andrew and I said goodbye to Leonidas. He was diagnosed with bone cancer April 1st, 2020 and his bone broke late at night on May 4th. The only place he could get comfortable was the backyard, so the yard was where we all slept. We gave him a full Whataburger breakfast, and took him to the vet to say our final goodbye on May 5th. I describe Leo as a once-in-a-lifetime dog and his passing was the hardest loss I've had to endure. Something I have learned and try to hold at the forefront of my mind always is: the best learning and growth come from our best moments and our worst. So I tried to reflect and listen to what this moment held for me. I knew there was a lesson for me not only from the passing of my special guy, but also in his life.

Kids in the Cards
Those closest to me knew that children weren't in the plan for Andrew and me. While my degree is in education and I love kids, I had for most of my life dismissed the idea of having my own children. In large part this was due to not wanting to go through pregnancy and worrying I would mess them up. We were content with having our dogs and in that contentment we didn't revisit the question of "should we have kids?" When Leo got sick, that changed. I thought back to all the people who commented "big dogs don't live long..." and I asked myself a pointed question: knowing Leonidas would die at five years old, would I do it again? My answer then, now, and forever is an unequivocal Y-E-S.

This then led me to consider again the question of children and my defining reasons for not wanting to have them. The conclusion I came to was: the pain of losing Leo was not greater than the love and joy he brought to my life. Therefore the pain and inconvenience of pregnancy and childbirth aren't enough of a deterrent to not to have a child. I realized how truly temporary that portion of the process was, and the weight of the reasoning became significantly less. Similarly, the pain of watching Leonidas deteriorate from April to May was absolutely crushing, but we had happy moments each day even during that time, and so many adventures in the good years he did have. When I looked at my next question of messing the kids up I realized, we are all made of positive and negative experiences. By doing my best, continuing to grow, and connecting I would be okay and so would any kiddo we had. My lightbulb moment was the value add is greater than the fear of what wouldn't go right.

I had been doing this reflection internally, but knew that the next step would be to discuss kids with Andrew. Now Andrew and I truly are very communicative, but we had never actually had a conversation about having kids. We started dating at sixteen, and pretty much the goal was to NOT have kids, and we simply kept with that position as time passed. I still remember how I brought up the topic. Andrew was manning dinner on the grill and wasn't looking at me. I was sitting on the patio and said "I am going to ask you a question. I don't want you to respond now, think about it and let's talk about it in a day or two." He raised his eyebrows and when I asked "what do you think about us having kids?" I could see he truly absorbed the question and the next day he expressed we were on the same (new and different) page than we were before.

Finding the Light
I would love to say I was totally wrong and absolutely adore being pregnant, but that is simply not the case. I would love to say I am so excited to give birth, but the reality is I am so excited for the birth to be over. To be honest, pregnancy hasn't been as bad as I thought and I feel mostly neutral about the experience. For the most part I feel pretty good and like my normal self. Watching my belly go from abs to baby bump didn't bother me like I thought it would, and hormonally I am more balanced and calm than I ever was during a bodybuilding prep. I definitely knew myself well enough to know pregnancy wouldn't be my favorite aspect of parenthood. But I know here too there are lessons and work for me in this stage of the process to grow and reflect upon (more in future posts).

While I wish with my whole heart that Leonidas was still here, I try to lean in to the notion that things happen when and as they ought to. I can't say I would have come to this conclusion if he passed and we weren't in lockdown, shows were canceled, and we hadn't just relocated to a new area with Andrew's job. If we were still in DFW I would have probably been able to occupy my mind focusing on work, a show, and friends. However, I believe the timing was as it was supposed to be. The fact that Leonidas left us in May and we will meet Genevieve in May makes the lesson and decision feel all the more connected.

Leonidas will live in my heart forever. While physically he isn't here (though his ashes are next to me as I write this), the depth of connection we had, has and will continue to shape me. Andrew proposed with Leonidas. He was a promise for our forever and he will forever be one of the great loves of my life. He gave me the gift of a lesson I needed when I needed it: the love you gain is so much more than the fear you hold or the pain you'll experience. The good outweighs the bad and loving and living is so much more than the losing and loss.

                           Leonidas' last morning (5/5/20)