#10: A Trusted Tribe

One of the most impactful tools that I have found in pregnancy is leaning in to other. While the ever-popular question "how are you feeling?" gets used and overused during the months of pregnancy, I have found that keeping close company can be an incredible support through the pregnancy process. Though I would stress that the type of company you keep is also incredibly important. Anxious thoughts are inevitable in the months-long incubation process. The interactions you have with others can exacerbate those fears and negative emotions, or they can help you acknowledge, process, and move away from them. I most appreciate the women who are candid and honest about the process (nitty and gritty) and try to keep those who describe pregnancy and birth only as a miracle and fairytale-esque experience at arms length. If you are pregnant (or planning to be) expect unsolicited advice and judgment about your preferences--but more importantly know which conversations to value and which to discard. 

Tribe Traits 
When I shared that I was pregnant, I received so many messages from women offering support. Some who were close to me, some who had recently had a baby, and others who were pregnant themselves. The women who I chose to confide in  always said some version of the same thing: "I won't give unsolicited advise so please let me know of any questions you have, I am here to share what my experience was, and I am here if you need to vent." This spoke to me because I knew that I could ask and share openly without judgment or leading me to what they thought was "right" (news flash: there is no RIGHT or WRONG there is simply what is best for YOU and only you know what that is). 

Vulnerability is integral in dialogue around pregnancy and birth. It is required not only by the person confiding, but also by the person listening. Sharing authentic experiences or thoughts that might not sound great to own helped me SO. MUCH. And related to this, if there is someone who cannot handle hearing these things, set a boundary to limit what you share with that person. No one is entitled to information, especially if when you connect with them the outcome is not positive. I found certain interactions were not only neutral but actually negative. Therefore, I set boundaries around what and how much I would share when I noticed the impact certain interactions had on me. 

I also made sure the people I shared information with would help challenge me and coach me. To be clear, challenge here means they would ask questions or go deeper on a position or stance I held and hold to the light something for me to consider in a deeper or different way. Challenge does NOT refer to trying to bash my choice or decision in any way. When I sought coaching I would usually start by venting about a concern or irritant and that person wouldn't just agree with me or gossip, but would acknowledge my feelings and ground me to what learning came from the issue or interaction being discussed. 

Ask But Don't Attach  
The golden rule of birth (I think) is every birth is different and at least some of the "plan" will not go as planned. I will be induced at 38 weeks due to mildly but consistently elevated blood pressure throughout my pregnancy. I began sharing this plan and the outpour of concern, "you should..." and judgment has been palpable (and incredibly annoying). Something I began doing that really helped me was asking lots of different women how their birth went (and what their birth plan was). This was more helpful that I can say. I asked myriad mommas in my neighborhood and hearing the sheer variety of experiences (especially compared to expectation) was a great relief to me. And mamas WANT to share. The number of women who are an open book is incredibly refreshing. This is definitely an offer I will extend as well. I give this example to say: ask and talk to different people. Including those who are not close or attached to you. They have insight and the lack of emotional attachment makes taking in but not attaching easier. I can also say that from connecting with and reaching out to women I wasn't as close with before, some bonds have grown deeper since. So it is also a great opportunity to grow your tribe. 

Also remember that you can get support and support those who are approaching pregnancy or birth different from you. While I knew from the get-go I wanted an OB and epidural, I have close women to me who were natural-birth and midwife focused and we can still support each other. The key is not becoming attached to one way being best, but by acknowledging that one way is preferable to each person. I found listening to the different desires and preferences and experience of those women too helped me know how to advocate for myself and broaden my perspective to be clear on what is best for me without judging their decision. Whether the birth is unmedicated, induced, or cesarian it doesn't matter: mama is a badass (so support her). 

Going through life independently is certainly the tougher way to go about it. Humans thrive on connection and community and reliance. Share your fears, your joys, and your experience. Don't shy away from vulnerability and don't judge others in defense of your own choices. We need a tribe and our tribe can be ever expanding. Those connections can deepen--if we are willing to lead with authentic dialogue and connection. And if someone who is a friend or family member adds judgment or negativity, change how you interact with that person. But having a tribe is incredibly important. A resonant quote to end with here is "if you want to go fast, go it alone. If you want to go far, go together."