# 33: Building a Secure Attachment

While it is very common for parents to feel as though their child will always be 'their baby' I am curious as to what impact this outlook has on the ever-evolving dynamic between parent and child. When I consider the intentionality behind this belief, I feel as though parents are communicating deep love and support for their child. While I too believe I will forever love and support Genevieve, I try to hold her as someone I will love for all my life in a deep way. 'Someone' here is significant because it recognizes that G will forever be changing and her needs from me and support that benefits her are also, ever evolving. I mean shoot, how she needed me at one week old, three months old, and even now at seven feels drastically different. I can only imagine how different our relationship will be at five years, twelve years, and twenty years from now. 

This being said, I have held the intention since bringing Genevieve home that I wanted to create a secure attachment, throughout our lifetime together. So I do not jump as soon as Genevieve expresses the mildest frustration or cry, nor do I ignore her as she has a full-on meltdown. Instead I use my gut instinct and practice pausing to determine what type of intervention on my end is necessary for each unique circumstance. 

Types of Attachment
I mentioned that I want Genevieve to be securely attached to Andrew and I. By this I mean I want her to be able to lean in to us and lean away from us too. Obviously fostering this type of attachment looks different for each child: what works for us with G likely would not be the 'perfect' approach for our next baby (and therefore you should not take it to be a list of recommendations to apply to your own kiddo). In my opinion, a huge part of creating a securely attached relationship comes from reading and responding to the unique needs of your individual child (or children). 

When Genevieve is going through a leap, not feeling well, or having a tough time: I am there for her. If she is fussy and indicating she doesn't feel like playing but rather would prefer snuggles and talk time instead, that is what we do. Moreover, if she needs me, I am there for her and I do not withhold time and attention to get her to cope on her own. 

However, I too will allow her to cry a bit in her crib, vocalize in frustration when she wants a toy but cannot reach it, and allow her to simply entertain herself during certain wakeful periods. I do these things because I want her to not need an 'other' to find comfort --in this case mama. I want Genevieve to be a child (and then an adult) who can solve her own problems, cope with difficult emotions and circumstances, and develop healthy relationships with family, friends, and significant others. If I want G to foster healthy relationships, that begins now and with her parents. 

So I have detailed the attachment I want Genevieve to have with us as her parents, so I will now detail the two attachment styles I want to avoid developing with G. The first is avoidant attachment. This type creates a sense of extreme self-reliance. This form of attachment is rooted in apathy and a feeling that no one can help so I must do it all on my own. I want Genevieve to know that leaning into others is a benefit, that being vulnerable with others fosters growth and closeness. Therefore I will not be ultra regimented that she needs to cry-it-out to get to sleep, nor will I tell her she needs to do everything for herself because no one will rescue her. The fact of the matter is: when times get tough we do have people we can lean into, we don't have to do it alone, and a life built protecting and doing for ourselves is isolating and unfulfilling. I believe parents who practice this orientation often do so to protect their child. The parent knows they will not always be around and the parent fears that the child will not be able to care for themselves when the parent is no longer there to swoop in and 'make it all better.' This attachment style may build qualities like resilience and strength, but I would argue at a significant cost. 

On the other side of the spectrum is anxious attachment. This attachment style is rooted in insecurity and fear. The anxious attachment style involves forced closeness and responding to even the slightest need to smooth the waters. If the baby shows the slightest sign of frustration when the parent puts them in the crib: the baby comes to bed with the parent. If the child is frustrated a toy is out of reach: the parent gives the child the toy. This parent's motivation is being there for their child. The parent feels any feelings of frustration, anger, or sadness from the child needs to be resolved immediately and the parent is the person to do it. This motivation on part of the parent is to be loving and supportive. But a parent's purpose is not to keep their child happy--none of us are happy 100% of the time. Allowing children to feel ALL emotions, good and bad, enables them to develop coping strategies for dealing with elation and deflation, a rollercoaster they will inevitably ride for the duration of their human experience. 'Helicopter' or 'Steamroller' parent come to mind as modifiers for this parental approach. 

By focusing on secure attachment, I hope Genevieve will feel competent, capable, and empowered from her experience self-soothing or entertaining herself. I also hope she is able to lean in and benefit from extra closeness and support when it is really necessary. This is walking a tightrope and there will never be a red light or green light system to tell me when I should step in and when I should let her do something on her own. What I can do as her mother is check in with my own emotions and attachment and respond (not react) to the situation. There are times where Andrew asks "should I get her?" when she sounds frustrated in her crib and I say "no, she's going to knock herself out" but I am wrong and do need to go in and intervene. There are other times I when I am absolutely correct, too. 

Building Blocks of Secure Attachment
So knowing the attachment styles, how do you develop a secure attachment? How do you fight the loving urge to resolve all your kiddo's negative experiences? How do you cope with the emotional distress of hearing your child experience negative emotions? This is where 'winging it' really comes in handy. Each situation is completely unique. Therefore I do not have a standard approach I always stick to. I allow for flexibility and pivoting always. But I do have some strategies and suggestions that I employ that I will share. 

First, I always consider where G is: is she currently experiencing a leap or teething? If so, this is when G needs extra rocking and singing to fall asleep. If I try to just zip her in her sleep sack and leave the room (like I can do normally) she will work herself up, cry, and become over tired (making it much harder to get her asleep when I finally re-enter the room). From trial and error, I learned this rule about Genevieve: in a leap: rock to sleep; good mood self-soothe. When I say that I let G self-soothe, people will say "oh, so you let her cry it out..." This is not exactly what I do. I would not let G scream at the top of her lungs for a sustained period of time. Though I would also not rush in if she was crying some or showing some signs of discomfort (girl is a grunter). I can't exactly describe it other than to say I listen to her and my gut (sometimes this requires ignoring my mama heart that wants to make it all better quickly) and choose whether to intervene or not. 

Instead what I do is I try to set Genevieve down. I hold her as we turn off the light, draw the curtains (she is not sound sensitive but super light sensitive), and turn on her hatch sound machine (she loves the horrid television white noise sound). We have just begun the habit of reading a couple short board books just before going into the crib. Next I put her in her sleep sack while in the crib and sing the Barney "I love you" song. This song is short, and then I "kiss" her head and "hug" her by squeezing her belly. Sometimes she goes right to sleep and other times she talks or cries for a bit. When I was trying to let her learn self-soothing, I had to learn to cope with my mama bear desires and emotions (mama can make it better). While I could make it better quickly by holding her, G needs to learn she can make it better all on her own too. So I would tell myself  "Okay, I will go and turn over laundry and wash the dishes. If she is still crying or it gets louder by the time I am finished, I will rock her." 8/10 she'd be asleep before I could intervene. I can't tell you the number of times she would be crying a bit all the way until the completion of the task and by the time I walked into the nursery to hold her... she was fast asleep. So not only was this an opportunity for G to learn to lean in to her own self-soothing abilities, it was a chance for me to lean out too and let her. 

During play I also allow Genevieve to feel frustrated. I will put toys out of her immediate reach, or place her on her tummy and give her space to 'solve her own problem and roll over' if she doesn't like it. I don't want her to think after immediately being frustrated someone will swoop in and give her what she wants. Though I also do not ignore her and let her wing out or give up and feel stuck where she is. I give her some time, trust my gut, and swoop in after a period of time struggling. I do not set a timer or care how long she struggles before I step in, I just trust my gut because I am acting not to solve her problems, but because it genuinely felt like the right duration of time. I similarly don't ignore her because it is convenient for me; I will stop a task in order to aid her if my gut tells me that is what is needed in that situation. 

I also deliberately leave her to play without being close by. I have current books I am reading in each room and will grab one and lay across the room from her. I periodically look, talk, and smile at her as she plays. I may also do dishes or other chores while she's on the living room play mat where she can see me but I am further away. I want her to know that I am close by but do not need to be interacting in close proximity. This is something I have to remind Andrew of to practice too. I am with G all day, so its easier emotionally for me to give her space at certain times. He is home and interacting with her for smaller chunks of each day and therefore wants to be very close and interactive. I will remind him to 'give her a little space' every so often so she can learn that when papa's around he doesn't need to be super close, he can be close by and its still all good. So for parents who do work away from home, it may be emotionally a bit harder on you to give them that bit of space during play and interaction but still beneficially for fostering a secure bond while you are home.

For us with our big dogs, giving G space is quite tricky because our dogs are very large, 130 lbs a piece in fact. So I have a playmate with elevated sides to create a 'wall' that the dogs are not allowed to step into placed in the living room. I am very cautious to only be far away from G when the pups are relaxing in the yard or in a very deep nap session in the house. They are generally pretty good, but if the doorbell rings or they are playing with each other, their feet become dangerous. With G becoming more mobile, we have also installed a baby gate in the entry way that blocks G's room, the guest bathroom, and guest bedroom. While I leave this gate ajar most of the time, I am able to close it so G can roll safely all around her room. G's room faces the front of the house and the dogs will rush in and bark (only at dogs passing by). For legitimate safety reasons I had to get a gate to ensure G is safe from being trampled so she has freedom to explore all areas of her room confidently.

 I have to personally fight the helicopter urge to keep her safe from the dogs by stretching my own comfort level while also taking necessary and legitimate safety interventions. I let Genevieve roll around the room when Burlioz is in there if I can safely block her from rolling near the front window so Burlioz and G can learn to be out and move around each other too--but again I do this with caution. She is very likely going to get knocked about a bit by her pups as she becomes more mobile, but she is still quite young and we are being mindful of their interactions as the dogs and G learn what it means to move about together. *But I would be lying if I didn't say it makes me nervous and that I have a 'helmet' in my amazon favorites list for when she's really mobile. 

I also want Genevieve to know that I am someone who is there for her when she needs me. That means I am very mindful of my facial expressions, energy and words I use when she is fussing, frustrated, or up in the middle of the night. First I ALWAYS enter her room and smile and say "I am so glad you're awake!" I do this in the middle of the night, when she wakes too early, or sleeps through the night. I want her to know she is not a burden or that she only deserves my positive emotions when she is 'acting right.' So while I may be happier to see her bright eyes and bushy tail ready for a bottle at 7 am, she still sees the same happy face at 2 am. 

I also do not try to dismiss her discomfort or fussiness. This means when she cries because she is teething or for reasons unknown, I do not just focus on getting her to stop. I know that she is a baby right now and may not understand the words I am choosing to use, but by using them now I am building a habit for when she can more easily discern the meaning of my words. So when she is crying and I am holding her I often say "I know, growing is hard work" and "I am here for you." I am not asking her to "be quiet" or telling her "everything is fine" because to her little body, everything is not fine and suppressing feelings for the sake of another's comfort is NOT something I want Genevieve to do. I want her to know I am there and will be there for her for the duration of her discomfort, however she needs. These words also help me empathize with how she is feeling and to lessen my feelings of stress and frustration felt by a fussy baby or sleep deprivation. 

Related to this I try not to say too much. Meaning I let her fuss and cry and I will physically hold her close, pat her back, and say very little. I may sing a soothing lullaby or repeat the loud "shhhh" sound that mimics the mother's blood flow that the baby heard in the womb. I too rely on what I call  'yoga breathing.' This is where I take a slow deliberate and deep inhale and a long smooth exhale. Usually by my fourth breath Genevieve is noticeably more relaxed (or has stopped crying completely). I would practice this breathing strategy while pregnant and employed it very early on and I am amazed how well it works to soothe G (and me as well). 

Genevieve has expressed a desire to be independent since we brought her home. She often wants to be in proximity to you but face outward. She wants to feed herself and she wants to roll and play without anyone stepping in. She too wants us to pat her back and hold her like a tree frog when she is having a hard time. She will roll from across the room to nestle into the crook of my arm. She breaks from playing to find my eyes and smile so big--she is already showing us how confident she is to be on her own while also still reminding us that growing is hard and sometimes she needs you to hold her a little tighter or help her a little more. As parents we are dedicated to giving G an environment she will thrive in and that means balancing comfort and challenge, because our little girl is little now, but won't be forever.