# 24: Filling Mama's Cup

When I consider the source of flow, balance, and joy I have felt postpartum, the adage "you can't pour from an empty cup" comes to mind. Genevieve has been with us for three months now and I am still genuinely surprised by the fact that I haven't felt like my cup has runneth dry. I would be remiss to say that I have been free from stressful moments, anxious thoughts, or worry. But what I can say is those thoughts and feelings haven't been a significant portion of my experience. While I will always express the important notion that what works for me will not inherently work for another, I did want to reflect on and share what elements have helped my cup stay filled. I will speak of my experiences beyond Andrew returning to work when Genevieve was seven weeks old, because that was when our "normal" family flow came to be. 

I believe strongly in holding intentionality, but without strict form. A structure with flexibility (hence the very title of this blog: Winging it with Intention). That means at the core of what fills my cup is intentionally considering what I need in the physical, social, and mental compartments of my being. I also keep the value of balance at the forefront of my mind; I try not to let my time and attention be too controlled by any single category. When I am able to get clear on what fills me, I am similarly able to notice what (and who) drains me. This allows me to create boundaries around those activities and relationships. For instance I am focusing on sustainability of exercise and diet and not allowing myself to go balls-to-the-walls focused. Then there are relationships I hold at a distance or avoid all together. Clarity comes from reflection and by continuing to ask ourselves "what do I need?" and then acting on those reflections.

Physical Space 
I am mindful about keeping up with chores around the house. Not because I care about guests or visitors finding a messy home, but because our physical environment is a reflection of our internal status. If my dishes are piled up, the floors are covered in hair, and my laundry is wrinkled and overflowing my laundry baskets, chances are I am feeling anxious, stressed, and out of sorts. Similarly, there is something soothing and charging for me about a hot cup of coffee first thing in the morning. I would rather wake up an hour before Genevieve does in order to calmly sit and drink my allocated two cups of joe. I often sit on our outdoor couch and listen to the birds chirp (and often neighbor dogs bark) and journal before the Texas heat becomes too intense.

While I try to accomplish chores around the house a little bit throughout the day, I prefer to accomplish one task right out of the gate: vacuuming. I absolutely need to vacuum my house daily (sometimes up to three times a day, a labor of love). Carving out time to get a little done as the day progresses is helpful; starting the day with the most impactful activities is essential.The tone can be set early, and if you are able to identify what sets you up to succeed, your headspace will thank you. 

Food, I would argue is also attached to physical space. Right now I am not tracking macros or subscribing to a plan of any kind. My intention is to listen to my hunger cues and find a good sustainable intake that enables me to continue to tone and shift away from the pregnancy body while maintaining a favorable energy level and mood. Andrew and I do all of our meals at home. We very rarely eat out at all. Therefore a grocery list and plans for meals and snacks that overall FUEL the body with some treats and delicious items peppered in keeps one feeling satisfied while providing good energy. I eat HEB bakery peanut butter cookies every single day. I also eat the same balanced breakfast and lunch every single day. I look forward to the things I am choosing to eat, and keep a regular time to eat (its the first thing I do when G goes down for a nap to make sure I get it in). Overextending and getting TOO hungry leads to overeating and choosing the wrong foods. Staying ahead of hunger not only helps me keep a breastmilk supply, but also keeps my spirits and energy up. 

Social Space 
Humans are social animals. While I may always have the company of my puppies and Genevieve, I know that connecting with friends, neighbors, and family is imperative to not fall into feelings of isolation. I try to converse via phone, FaceTime, or text chat daily with different friends and family. I prioritize this space more during the pandemic when I was staying home and more isolated. While I am sure for many, virtual isn't as good as an in-person connection, it helped me quite a lot. This is probably because I have many neighbors I converse with daily during my walks and therefore am able to feel connected to loved ones and those in my immediate environment. Not to mention in regards to my neighbors there are so many mamas or mamas-to-be and it feels great to connect with others at a similar *point* in our lives.

Andrew and I also try to prioritize time together in the evenings and on weekends while Genevieve rests. While I know some parents already would want babysitters and date nights, that is definitely not us. Watching an episode of Ted Lasso (highly recommend) cuddled up on the couch or getting sunburnt while having a beer and marg on the weekend is enough for us right now. 

Mental  Space 
I am someone with a very active mind and motor. That being said, it is vital for me to exert, challenge, and develop my mental self. This is one reason I wanted to start this blog. It is a space for me to focus, create, and connect with others on a topic that is resonant with this phase of my life. It also makes me more intentional, introspective, and curious about what strategies I implement and the general experience of being a mom. Another way I fill myself up is by continuing to participate in my women's mastermind group. A group of us around the country meet virtually every month with the intention of bonding, growth, and learning. I look forward to these meeting whether I am merely attending or leading a component of the meeting. I also partake in coaching conversations with friends and mentors. These conversations hit differently than just filling my social cup because the conversations are deeply stimulating and the level of connection and focus is different. By aiding others in coping with transitions, struggles, and projects I feel competent and deepen my own skills through connection. 

I also try to fill myself up by monitoring my intake of content. I listen to podcasts that make me laugh or involve interesting interviews and discussion. I love nonfiction audiobooks about self development and parenting strategies and philosophies. I am currently getting more into books on history as well. I feel like I am in the minority of women who simply *can't* with the murder and true crimes content (but to each their own). I also carve out time each morning to journal, usually while I have my coffee. I don't turn on the tv too much because I find that it drains me more than it fills me and I fall into binging whatever it is I am watching. Since I try to keep focus on G when she is awake, I like the flexibility of listening to something while she feeds but its something I can do more passively and turn off when its time to interact and play during her still brief wakeful periods. 

Time: another big one for me. My love language is quality time. This means I also want quality time with myself. When Andrew comes home from work, we seamlessly transition to where he can pick up on the baby care and I can step away to run an errand, take a bath, workout, or any other activity I would like without contending with the needs of a baby. Working out transcends the physical space for me and that is why I place it here instead of in my section of physical needs. Working out allows me to access endorphins, get my blood flowing, and do something challenging. This is a recipe that benefits your mental health. When I haven't really moved for a day or two in a row I can feel how much more anxious my mind is or how much more irritable I am. Going for a run, doing some yoga, doing some weighted supersets, or even just walking give me so much mental fill up. We often think (or tell ourselves) physically exerting takes away our energy, but more often I would argue you'll come away feeling charged and more positive than if you simply took a rest on the couch. 

Boundaries, Balance, and Flexibility 
Creating boundaries with how we spend our time and who we share it with helps keep us full. As a new mom juggling sleep deprivation, the never-ending needs of a little one, and a life with many other components: boundaries are your friend. There is no room for negativity. That being said, being challenged is a good thing for one's character BUT if someone is only adding toxicity or negativity from your interactions: it is not worth it. I had someone tell me prior to my induction "good luck however it goes" and who sent me a text erroneously criticizing me for the colors I chose to outfit Genevieve and her room  in (rolls eyes aggressively) the week she was born. Needless to say, I stopped conversing with this particular individual. No, it is not simply the criticism or silly detail about colors that did it for me. It is simply the energy this person brought to my life were more negative than positive and was not a relationship I valued keeping. I share this example not to tell you to ax anyone who makes you feel bad, but as a reminder that people can only bother us if we allow them to, the way to resolve that is by establishing new boundaries or eliminating that relationship all together. 

I am also focused on balance. Since the needs and whims of baby are pretty all-consuming, the more intentional I can be about balance the better I feel emotionally.  I need to check that I am balancing physical, social, and mental spaces. If I feel out of alignment, I am better able to check in to see where I am spending my time and energy and can course correct as needed. This also helps me plan how I need to use G's nap times or my time in the evenings when Andrew is home. Sometimes its yoga I need, or to spend time with Burlioz, or to get some chores done I didn't get to because G needed more holding during rest periods that day. I can check in on which aspect needs my attention most and get more bang for my buck out of filling my cup at that time. 

Flexibility is forever one of my favorite words (and values). This is because it helps me keep clear headspace more than anything else. It allows me to empathize when Genevieve has a tougher day and I cannot flow with our predictable routine. It also grants me freedom to deviate to something new or change my strategy based on a shift in the day or my mood. When I commit to a FaceTime call or someone coming over I do not get locked into the agreed upon time. Instead I say "what's a good time that we can shoot for and I'll let you know if that time still works based on G's routine for that day." I create a flexible agreement from the start so that I don't feel out of integrity when I need to move the time a bit or cancel all together. As someone who values being on time and keeping agreements, this spoken flexibility from the start keeps me from feeling rushed and frustrated. I try to meet the unique needs Genevieve has, and truly we cannot do that by planning it all out. Leaps, growth spurts, focusing on demand instead of a plan all make concrete plans difficult, so for now we are creating space only for flexibility. The only concrete agreements we hold for now are her doctor's appointments. 

Balance, boundaries, and flexibility are unique to each person. The priorities related to these tools that I outline are by no means the right ones across the board. By getting clear about how they can service you, your dynamic, and your family will enable you to keep a better mental headspace as you navigate each day and the agreements and values you hold. 

By no means do I constantly ask myself if I am aligned to my physical, social, or mental spaces. I do not obsessively check that I am balanced, flexible, or holding boundaries. When I journal in the mornings, I will notice what comes up for me, but I am not consciously focused on what does. Instead I may notice (like I did yesterday) my journaling was focused on 'doing' tasks. When I asked why that might be I was able to hold the thought. It wasn't until later that day when I was unloading the dishwasher that it hit me: I have not been able to get my chores done per my usual cadence because Genevieve is in her third leap and really requiring more holding during her rest periods during the day. So last night when Andrew came home I focused on chores instead of working out, a shower, or nap. My cup needed the most filling from the physical space and I could naturally utilize my time most meaningful from checking in with where I was out of alignment. By holding intentionality with these spaces I can notice when something is a bit off and fill my cup accordingly. I do this seamlessly and without much attention or focus. By having awareness around these different buckets and what I need personally from each one, I can keep myself from an empty cup.