# 20: One Month with G

I wrote and deleted several drafts of this post. When I wanted to consider how to reflect on one month with our sweet Baby G many different ideas came to mind. Do I detail things that happened? Do I outline Genevieve's temperament and strategies we used? Then I decided to ask myself a question: what learning was the most meaningful? I then knew what the focus of this piece ought to be: the top three lessons learned in our first month with Genevieve. 

One: Partnership is Imperative 
Even though we have added the needs of a newborn, Andrew and I have felt well-rested, kept up with the house, continued to cook quality meals at home, and have kept stress levels low. I know having Andrew home for six weeks has been instrumental in keeping our physical, mental, and emotional space clear. Beyond Andrew just being home, he fully embraced being hands-on and helpful with all of Genevieve's needs. Whether it was figuring out how to file her teeny tiny nails, patiently wiping away all the meconium, or assisting me before and after feeding sessions, Andrew was not just there, he was attentive. 

The most beneficial decision we made about Genevieve's care was to focus on parent shift sleeping. While many people ask us how Genevieve is sleeping at night, we understand at this age expecting a patterned routine is simply unrealistic. Instead of us both getting disrupted sleep from her waking and feeding in the middle of the night, in our bedroom, we decided to do something different.

Initially, Andrew would take the first shift awake from 9 pm to 3 am. Before I began pumping to have bottles, Andrew would wake me briefly when I needed to feed G. However, after we began using expressed milk in bottles, he doesn't need to wake me. Then I would be awake and responsible for Genevieve from 3 am to 10 am. Andrew liked this because he could watch NBA playoffs and I preferred my shift because I enjoyed watching the sun come up and prefer the early morning. Now that we are getting closer to Andrew's return to work, we have switched shifts in order to get used to what our routine will be when he goes back to work. Once he's back to work, Andrew will wake and watch Genevieve from 3 am to 6 am so I can have a better stretch of sleep. 

During our shifts, one person sleeps in the master and the other keeps Genevieve in her nursery or in the living room. We are continuing to work with her on sleeping in her crib and swaddled and she's making great progress self-soothing and falling asleep drowsy yet awake. Some nights the parent on shift can squeeze in some extra zzz's and sometimes that person is up and attentive with more fussing and a need to hold. What's nice is this isn't us both trying to sleep and then picking the short straw for who needs to try to soothe her, but is already a set system. We then update each other on how our shift went and any notable details. Communication helps us stay aligned and also helps us anticipate the other's needs. For instance if one parent had a tougher shift, the other would try to ensure that parent got a nap later that day, etc. 

I cannot imagine what my mental and emotional headspace would be without having Andrew home for six weeks. Nor can I imagine having a partner who defers all baby responsibilities to me, the mother, and acts as a babysitter himself (more common than it should be). I've felt well-rested and happy postpartum and I know that's greatly thanks to a great co-parenting dynamic. Each co-parenting dynamic will look different, but I definitely recommend connecting to iron out each other's individual needs to make things work as optimally as possible in the transition to parenthood. For instance, Andrew would drive me and Genevieve to target and sit with G in the car while I could shop alone to give me time away but also be close by (what I need right now). Then I ensure that I check in with Andrew on good days for him to go to the gym. We look out not only for Genevieve's needs but each others too. 

Two: Less is More 
While Genevieve has a generally relaxed temperament, postpartum life is still an all-consuming transition. Andrew and I kept a tight lid on visitors early on, kept a very light and flexible schedule (beyond the myriad appointments for all three of us). By making fewer commitments I believe our transition to parenthood has been smooth and allowed us to minimize stress. By keeping days free and open we were better able to get into good grooves, rest, and make sure the everyone's basic needs were met. We weren't racing around with a newborn, over extending ourselves by socializing and hosting guests, and could naturally flow with the needs of that day (cluster feeding takes up a lot of time, y'all).

I believe if we would have had a busier schedule and more visitors, I would be more stressed and taxed. While I was pregnant I was often told I'd regret or wish I had more helping hands around during our transition. While this may absolutely be the case for some, I wholeheartedly disagree. I LOVED having just Andrew and I home to navigate our new dynamic together. And even with the best intentions, anyone else would have gotten in the way and been more of a burden than a blessing (sorry not sorry). What's important is knowing yourself and your preferences and figuring out what fills your cup and what drains it. Also: set boundaries and do NOT go against what YOU need in this important life transition because *someone* is using guilt or emotional appeals for their own desires. I talk to many mamas who say "I really wish I would've held off on guests for longer..." I have yet to hear anyone who DID hold off say "man, I really wish we had more company..." An additional benefit of a lighter visitor load is safety of not exposing the newborn to illnesses that their new and developing immune system would have a hard time battling. A fever in a baby younger than 3 months results in a hospital stay and spinal tap: count me out. 

I also believe by  having less on our schedule and being less extended Genevieve's temperament and disposition have been more favorable.  With the exception of a couple evenings or days that she was extra fussy (natural and no doubt attached to a growth spurt or irregular schedule with doctor appointments), Genevieve is very easy to assuage. Because we are home, we can easily facilitate her nap or her meal time. We aren't rushing to finish her feed (which often lasts 30-45 minutes) nor are we waking her from a deep sleep to take her out and about. We plan our activities of the day around meal and rest times. We also realize that there is a difference between quality sleep and junk sleep.  Junk sleep is any sleep involving motion (including walks, swing time, car rides, etc.) and quality sleep is in a crib or fixed, non-moving position. We focus on maximizing her quality sleep and if that interferes with something we would have liked  to do or accomplish that day, revise our plan or push it to another day. Early weeks with a newborn is not the time to measure productivity. So keeping the mindset of less is more as it relates to your productivity is important to keeping a positive headspace, too. 

Three: Non-Attachment Creates Peace & Presence 
I have found to be true that attachment, ego, and strict adherence to anything lead to anxiety and negativity. Prior to giving birth, it can feel comforting to have a plan for how you'll tackle all things baby. Personally, I tried to focus on absorbing information while leaving space to determine strategy based on Genevieve's actual (not perceived) needs. There are a multitude of ways to do just about everything, and often the arguments are polarizing and positions staunch. Truly what's most often best is actually somewhere in the middle and not an extreme. 

We have been intentionally fluid and non-attached to all of our processes and it has allowed us to better respond to Genevieve's needs and to reduce the tension of one parent having the right way. Instead of leading with strategy, we allow what actually is in that moment to be and then respond using a strategy that makes sense. Then if it doesn't work we try, try again. 

For instance, Genevieve has some serious leg and arm strength. She can punch her way out of any swaddle in seconds. We have googled countless different ways to swaddle and it took us many attempts to find one that actually works for her (at least 80% of the time). And even now, we still experimenting with other methods. Just last night I tried a specially designed swaddle blanket that didn't work earlier that worked great last night. It is a lot of trial and error and it doesn't help to count how many failures it took to get it right. 

More importantly still, attempt to fight the urge to attach to the *what could be wrong or worst-case-scenario stuff.* There is literally always something you could be worrying about (even in the absence of a catalyst is the fear that it cannot stay perfect forever and something will go wrong). Just like everyone, we had our share of a couple red flags or things to monitor. While of course there ought to be space to feel those emotions, don't fuel the fire by fixating and worrying about the worst. 

When we are preoccupied with what could be wrong or might go wrong or how something could negatively develop we are incapable of being present. When we aren't present we are not seeing what actually is. Fear lives in the future and unknown; but we can only respond to what's imminently before us and should keep our focus there. When we aren't present that is when time seems to escape us and feel sorrow that we are missing out. 

I am not someone who is constantly presently focused. On the contrary, I simply hold the intention of being present at the forefront of my mind and course correct when I catch myself not being present. I do check ins during the day: a quick pause to see how I am feeling and where my focus is. Catching myself googling rare disorders for instance is NOT being present minded. I would redirect my attention to my immediate environment and always feel greater ease and joy. 

One thing I try to do, and it is especially easy to do with a sleepy  newborn, is turn off technology when G is awake. When her eyes are open I pause the show, set my phone aside, and choose to interact with her. Whether I am reading her a book, talking to her and touching her face, or doing time on the mat I want to be intentional about spending quality time with her when she is alert. This helps me appreciate the growth and changes she is making and not long for the time one or two weeks ago. It allows me not to feel sadness about the changes. I was present and carry those memories with me and feel a greater sense of happiness for the current stage she is in. 

Our first month with Genevieve has been wonderful. Each day with G has brought more happiness and joy into our home. I laugh when I recall Andrew getting poop on his face by scrunching down too close when changing a diaper. I feel utter elation when I smell and kiss her soft head that feels like a fussy peach. Or even guilt when G cried out in discomfort from a rogue saline drop entering her eye. A wealth and depth of emotions were experienced in month one, and I know that will only continue from here on out. 

With Andrew returning to work in a couple weeks, we will continue to rely and adjust our partnership for our family to thrive. We will focus on not attaching to a plan or to potential stressors and we will hold space for space and remember when there is less we can appreciate each moment more. And above all, continue to love and soak in all the wonderful moments with Genevieve.