# 13 Partners & Parents

I can confidently express that Andrew and I have a close relationship. We root our relationship in two fundamental ideas. First that we are always growing and evolving independently and as a couple. I am not simply in love with the same man I was at 21, but rather the continuation of who Andrew has grown to be. Second we believe that love is a choice. It is not some hit-you-over-the-head energy or passion but rather the deliberate choice to grow your lives together in easy times or those that are more challenging. Regardless of transitions, shake ups, and growth through the years, we find that our relationship has only become stronger.

With Genevieve joining us in approximately three weeks, we have already had myriad conversations about how we can support each other and what our new dynamic might look like for the first few weeks (and beyond). As always, we expect to keep dialogue open and subject to change since reality never perfectly mirrors expectations. Similarly, how we think we might feel may not be how we actually do. We always hold space to pivot. 

Partnership 
Andrew and I lean in to each other a lot. We are each other's first go-to person for just about everything. Just this week Andrew asked me to help him brainstorm the details of a  presentation for work using a leadership model we are both familiar. Meanwhile, on the same day, I  mentioned some slight discoloration on the granite near the kitchen sink and Andrew immediately found a solution online to fix it and resealed the area (romance in your late-twenties ladies and gents). Our support for one another looks different, isn't equal, and is never tit-for-tat. We like to say that we are not opposites, but compliments. We are never itemizing or counting out who does more, but find a dynamic that simply gets it done.  

Andrew and I both find many people are shocked or skeptical when we express we are not having friends or family come help us right away after Genevieve is born. This bemuses both Andrew and I. Andrew and I have operated pretty independently of familial support for a long time, and are most comfortable (and confident) leaning in to one another. While the challenge of navigating the needs of a baby will be new, our synergy and flow of dynamic are not.

With Andrew home and not working during paternity leave for 6-9 weeks, he will easily be able to continue cooking for us, pick up the extra cleaning, errands, and doggy care needs I normally carry, and (most importantly) bond with his daughter. Since he cannot breastfeed, he will focus initially on infant massage, tummy time, and bath time for his own special bonding activities.

Initially my focus will be to breastfeed and prioritize my own healing and care needs. I don't find this limited focus selfish (or maybe it is selfish but with no negative connotation). With the hormonal dips, pain of breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, possible stitches, bleeding, and pain from labor, having space to heal is important to ensuring I am mentally and physically well. I am a private person as it relates to healing and breastfeeding, so having only the person I am most comfortable with around is ideal for me. Some want a village of support or are much more open, and that is fine too. I think what's important is knowing your own support preferences and advocating for them. 

Parenting
Just as we don't support each other in the same ways, we will play different but complimentary roles in Genevieve's life as well. A priority for Andrew and I is that Genevieve sees us both as parents.  Meaning: dad is not a babysitter. Andrew will be working and I will be home with Genevieve, but that does not mean I dictate her care. What I mean by this is when Andrew comes home, I can give Genevieve to him and leave and he can parent her in his own way without me telling him to do it a certain way or watching and correcting him during their time together. It is also important for me to leave and not feel guilty about running errands, working out, or doing something for myself without Genevieve. An added benefit is that Andrew and I doing things differently can create a more unique bond and hopefully help Genevieve learn the value of flexibility and adaptability (or at least the ability to advocate for her preferences). 

Integral to our parenting approach too is the notion that we are not raising someone who is an extension of ourselves and our wishes, but an individual who will continue to develop the person she is. We are not attached to her academic performance, aptitude at athletics or a musical instrument, and already discuss college as an option NOT an assumption. As parents we hope to give her meaningful experiences, materials, and foster relationships that support her, coach her, and challenge her. We see ourselves as guides and mentors more than we do as the superior/elder with the right answers (to impart one of my favorite sayings about this: shitty people get old too). We also do not attach to an age and missing the past. I am not the type to say "where did my baby go, stop growing." Rather, I hold the belief that each age and stage is temporary and uniquely wonderful. By living a life that has less distractions and is presently focused, I can appreciate what is and hold a fondness for what has already passed. 

As parents we also want to prioritize quality family time. We want to not only make sure we do this each week day, but also do fun activities together on the weekends. During the week, this will likely be family dinners around the table, a walk in the neighborhood with the dogs, and some time playing or reading together. Our week days are often very boring and routine (though I am grateful for this because so many parenting books talk about this approach being optimal for babies and kiddos). Andrew and I have never been fly-by-the-seat of-your-pants enthusiasts. Instead we are bed by 9 pm kind of people. That being said, we want to balance that routine and homebody lifestyle we value with fun activities on the weekends. Things like going to a new park, attending a community event, or going to a restaurant with a fun patio and play area. Just as Andrew and I value being complimentary partners, we also want to instill the value of complimentary use of time: balance is key. 

While there is no way to truly know the impact Genevieve will have on Andrew and my partnership, we can (and try to) do our best to stay aligned and connected: this means compromise. We will continue to have open, direct, and candid dialogue but also make time to be a pair. For us this will mostly look like locking in time together in the evening after Genevieve is asleep or an occasional date night away. I am grateful for the connection Andrew and I have fostered since we were sixteen and I hope we can model for Genevieve the value in finding a partner to lean into. Being in a partnership means letting go of the ego's need to do everything yourself and trusting in another to compliment what you bring to the table.