When I am approached by someone interested in tweaking their physique (which happens a lot), the person usually has pen-in-hand readiness to hear what supplements I take, is excited to try out a workout I do, and listens a-little-less-willingly about my cardio recommendations. But nearly all cannot shout emphatically, fast enough that they will NOT (and cannot) eat the way I do (clean, minimally processed and weighed-out whole foods). Too bad, nutrition takes the lion share for what creates and maintains a quality physique. 

Nutrition (related to how much you eat and what you eat) is the most important factor in body composition. Most people grossly underestimate their caloric intake and over esteem their movement and workouts (“but I was SO SORE and broke a SWEAT”). This results in a body fat percentage above what they’d like to see and feel. My first question back upon being asked the common, “how are you so lean and muscular, what’s your secret?” is always “Do you track your caloric intake or macro needs… at all?” Take a guess at the universal response (it ain’t yes). 

Now, I have relied on intuitive eating to hold a body maintenance in the past; however, I made choices based on my physiological cues of being in deficit, maintenance, and in surplus to guide me and still often weighed portions of my meals to establish routine intake. Working with coaches in the past enabled me to understand those feelings and the wherewithal to do so. The average person has never worked with a coach or nutritionist to understand what those cues are. Most people struggle to distinguish between wanting to eat, needing to eat, and eating to soothe emotions. I get it, focusing on nutrition can feel… restrictive. But structure with nutrition actually affords freedom. I still eat cookies, pizza, on holidays, etc. Albeit not all the time or every holiday but I can tell you, I am not upset by that. Uncommon habits yield uncommon results. So, no: I do not eat like your “normal” American, that is also why I don’t look like one. And the best news is: you DO NOT need a perfectly dialed-in diet. Rather, any improvements you make will be seen and felt. In fact, I applaud those who focus on one or two variables at a time for a period of time over those who go balls-to-the-walls on a diet (I get it, KETO and carnivore are sexy but they aren’t sustainable and any progress you make you’ll likely yo-yo right out of when you end the diet phase). 

So, in this post I want to explain some foundational nutrition concepts and discuss the variables worth utilizing. First and foremost, understand that the BEST diet is one that is enjoyable, sustainable, and aligned to your goals. Also understand that a diet is built upon habituation. So do not be surprised if you are incredibly variable in your intake (type of food and quantity) that your weight and feelings in your body/emotions/mind do too. 

First, I want to overview what my diet consists of and how I hold that word. A diet is NOT a temporary eating pattern to lose weight. Instead, a diet is a regular way of eating. My diet consists of eating MOSTLY minimally processed, cooked-at-home whole food meals. The quantity of the foods I eat depends on the goals/phase I am in, i.e. caloric maintenance, cutting, or building. I eat a high protein diet (approximately 1.5 g per 1 lb. of bodyweight). Most people think “more protein the better!” But it would NOT help me to eat any more than that; your body can only use so much protein at once and I am well at my cap. The rest of my diet is rounded out by fats and carbs. A surprise to most is that carbs make up the majority of my caloric intake (44%). Most want to cut carbs, but from a performance, aesthetic, and mental/emotional place: I have had the best results with carbs in my diet. When I attempted to eat KETO I felt weak, looked worse, and was prone to binge and restriction. Fats make up 30% of my caloric intake, while 26% of my calories come from protein. 

I am a utilitarian when it comes to food. By that I mean I do not need pretty, elaborate, or put together meals with frills and thrills. I buy fresh fruit and use fresh and frozen veggies (fun fact: flash frozen veggies steamed afford you the best nutrient preservation). I bulk-prep variable protein sources (often chicken, ground turkey, ground sirloin, cod) and complex carbs (jasmine rice and sweet potatoes). And try to vary my fat intake (whole eggs, chia seeds, macadamia nuts, peanut butter, almond butter, olive oil, avocado). When I am in a cut, I am very rigid and don’t add sauces beyond yellow mustard and more minimally season things; but if I am maintaining or building, I will use low-calorie ketchup, low-calorie syrup, and more seasonings. I do use a whey isolate protein, but I abstain from “protein enriched” processed stuff like bars, shakes, chips (whatever else they make now). Digestively, my body prefers simple REAL food and while it might fit your macros, it may be harder to digest, lead to bloating, and fill you up less effectively. I prefer eating clean, whole foods that feel good in my body and when I get bored of something, I rotate it out. You can use chat GPT or an app like MyFitnessPal to help you with these swaps.

An Example of My Day of Food:
(using the macros 180 P, 300 C, 90 F, 2740 calories)

• Meal 1 (breakfast): Egg Whites and 2 whole eggs scrambled with sea salt and cracked pepper; instant oatmeal (made with water), topped with blueberries and 5 g of honey or a serving of low-calorie syrup
• Pre-Workout Snack: Banana 
• Meal 2 (post workout): Cream of rice (made with water) with cinnamon and salt and after cooking add isolate whey protein, natural peanut butter and chia seeds 
• Meal 3 (Lunch): Ground Sirloin & jasmine rice bowl topped with jalapenos, low calorie ketchup and yellow mustard, and a side of some type of green veggie (zucchini, asparagus, or green beans typically), and macadamia nuts 
• Snack: Rice cakes OR sweet potatoes with almond butter, sea salt, and honey 
• Meal 4 (Dinner): Chicken, jasmine rice, avocado bowl with a side of green veggie 

Then I know common substitutes I can make like sweet potatoes for rice, ground turkey or cod to replace sirloin or chicken. These mild tweaks afford me variety and flexibility but most of the time these hit the spot and I’d prefer to not change a thing. I look forward to MY meals and stay full and fueled and digestively consistent. When you realize how GOOD you can feel when you eat well and routinely, it's valuable to maintain your habits and avoid whiplash. Don’t be surprised if you force your body on an over-eat/restrict roller coaster that it throws you on one with your hunger and satiability cues too. 

[The Basics] 
Your body composition ultimately comes down to energy balance–it’s science and simple math. Eat more calories than you burn and you gain weight. Eat fewer calories than you burn and you lose weight. If you eat roughly the same as you burn, your weight remains steady. Most diets begin with a goal in mind: gain, lose, maintain weight. Then you need to determine a caloric intake number. You can use a coach or app or chat GPT to help with this (give age, gender, activity level, goal weight) and you will get a number to work from. Keep in mind: this isn’t a perfect number and may need tweaking. For instance, I had been using intuitive practices when I linked with my coach. He gave me 1900 calories, and I dropped seven pounds in one week. We increased calories to maintain 128 lbs. to 2400 calories. So, the initial number wasn’t correct, but it was a starting point to build upon.

Reminder: there is no perfect diet and as your body and goals evolve, so will the need to adjust this diet. Similarly, copying someone else’s diet won’t help you because you are unique, different individuals. By all means, compare ideas. But like I tell most people, “This is what I am eating, don’t copy the quantities or you will gain weight (my caloric intake is pretty significant for a woman and someone my size).” Why if this person weighs more than me would eating the same amount cause them to gain weight but I am able to maintain? My basal metabolism and daily activity expenditure are higher, and I require more calories (energy) just to maintain. I caution the person who thinks “if it is a healthy food I can eat it, it’s good for me!” BIG, emphatic NO. I don’t care if it’s super expensive and organic, I don’t care if it’s from Trader Joe’s, I don’t care if it tops the list of healthy foods …if you don’t have room in your daily caloric intake: YOU. WILL. GAIN. WEIGHT.

Weighing your food allows you to know that you are eating the right number of calories and are on target with your goal. While it might be uncomfortable it is simply a byproduct of the process to feel hungry in a caloric deficit and too full in a caloric surplus. You have to eat in accordance with your goal (and this is why a slight and gradual surplus or deficit are beneficial to utilize over a huge disparity in either direction). Slow and steady enables you to avoid hormonal disruption, severe mood swings, or binge/restriction habits. If you want a simple starting point let it be awareness. Buy a food scale and weight your servings and compare that to your prescribed macros based on the goal you think you have. 

[Macros]
A balanced diet and a healthy body (except for very special cases) should rely on all three macronutrients: protein, carbohydrates, and fats. As a bodybuilder, macro percentages for calories will vary depending on whether the focus is to gain, cut, or maintain. But typically speaking: 

• Protein accounts for 25-35% 
• Carbs account for 40-60%
• Fats account for 15-25%

Each macro serves a different, but valuable purpose in maintaining a healthy body composition and functioning mind/emotional ecosystem. Protein supports muscle growth and repair. Carbs provide energy for training and recovery. And fats support hormones, brain, and overall health. Most people shy away from carbs and when they do feel lethargic, battle food noise, and can have an aesthetic that has a flat, less volumized look. Quality complex carbs have afforded me my best physiques and dominate my diet. This is because carbs fuel your muscles, literally. Your body stores them as glycogen in the muscles (adding to volume and fullness). Glycogen is the primary fuel for workouts. If you don’t have them, you will likely feel flat, weak, and not be able to lift as much weight. Most people think carbs are bad because they eat ultra-processed carbs that are also high in fat without realizing it and that takes their caloric surplus well beyond what their metabolism has room for. Those things are easy to overeat and also spike blood sugar, so you want to eat even more (and sets you up to reduce insulin sensitivity and make your body more inclined to store fat and resist fat loss). However, maintaining a body fueled by complex carbs keeps your blood sugar more stabilized and allows your muscles to make the most of your carb intake. 

[Create for Yourself] 

Don’t look at what I am doing and create arguments for why you can’t eat this many times a day, don’t like those foods, etc. Instead, notice that I have found a system that fits the goals and desires I have and be curious about how you can do that for yourself–realistically–not from the body you wish you were in or in ideal circumstances but from accepting THIS version of yourself. Whether you like it or not, THIS is your baseline; you need to accept that and work with what you’ve got. 

Considerations to ask yourself: 

• How many times a day should I eat (full meals, snacks)? When can I regularly try to fit these meals in (time or rhythm of day)?
• What lean proteins do I want to incorporate (white fish, chicken, whey protein, egg whites, pork tenderloin, Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, ground turkey)? 
• What fattier proteins do I want to interject (lean ground beef, salmon, steak, whole eggs)?
• What complex carb sources could I use (oats, cream of rice, sourdough bread, Ezekiel bread, English muffins, rice (jasmine, basmati, brown), sweet potatoes, russet potatoes (or other potatoes), rice cakes)?
• What vegetables can I add to lunch and dinner or snacks (cucumbers, green beans, asparagus, broccoli, brussels sprouts, bell peppers, carrots, lettuce (spring mix, romaine, spinach, etc.)?
• What fruits can I eat (blueberries–quintessential–, banana, dates, pineapple, strawberries (other berries), grapefruit, etc.)? I would add honey here– careful though, in a diet/cut you probably won’t have much room for an abundance of fruit. 
• What quality fat sources might I rely on (natural nut butters (peanut, almond, sunflower seed), nuts (walnuts, almonds, macadamia nuts, cashews), whole eggs, chia seeds, avocado, olive oil)? *I always account for cooking oil by allocating 10 grams of olive oil to my day of food … under-allocating cooking oil is a sure way to think you’re in a deficit without actually hitting your target. 

Once you can sort out when and what you want to eat, you can craft meals that you enjoy eating. I recommend making the process as easy as possible by prepping food ahead of time, reheating, and keeping the same or similar meals multiple days in a row. If you get tired of it, swap out a protein, fat source, add a sauce, or tweak the meal however you see fit (hell, swap it out for something else entirely). But I promise, you don’t need willpower when you can rest in routine. The food also ends up being more satisfying because it fuels you adequately. 

I am a morning lifter, so that being said I have a large breakfast ahead of training, a snack (banana) right before lifting, and eat 50 g of protein and 50 g of complex carbs immediately after my workout (my cream of rice goop is the best meal of my day). As my day progresses, my meals get lighter and add in more fats. Think to situate fats and fiber in recovery and protein and carbs before and immediately after your workout. If you’re a night lifter, this would look different, but you’d still sandwich your workout with high protein and complex carb meals. Please, don’t workout fasted. You might think this is helping you, it isn’t. Train your body to fuel pre and post and your body will learn to be hungry at the right times. This may be uncomfortable as you’re establishing the habit, but you will adapt. 

I like to think of meal planning as a formula. How much of each item (or sometimes its presence at all) will depend upon your goal and caloric/macro allotment. If you can rely on minimally processed food (by you or purchased) all the better. 

MEAL FORMULA: 
Protein source (mostly lean, occasional fattier source) + Complex Carb + Veggie and/or fruit (usually veggie afternoon and fruit with breakfast) + Fat Source = Rounded, satisfying meal 

If you can configure a diet that is in alignment with your goals and needs, that is enjoyable, predictable, and sustainable you will make progress. But I caution you to understand that your sustained progress will rely on maintaining the habits and systems you are now applying. There is no “I lost the weight and now I can go back to what I was doing…” If you do this, your body will reflect those habits (and the yo-yo resumes). Now, if you’re in a diet phase, there’s nuances to reversing out of that into a maintenance body (see my previous post #56 on reverse dieting for more info on that process). But if you want to be in a lean, fit, and healthful body and mind: you must maintain the habits that afford you that body–at least most of the time. If you eat well and within your daily needs most of the time, an off meal, day, or holiday won’t derail your progress or physique (in fact, it can benefit your progress). What you do in the kitchen most days matters far more than what you do sometimes. And if it feels clunky, cumbersome, and your cravings make it hard… give it two weeks. You’ll gain efficiency and flow and your cravings will subside. Your body will catch up with the new rhythm and flow, and you’ll look forward to your meals and how you feel in your body (and about your progress). 

People often want a perfectly prescriptive plan and diet, while at the same time feel absolutely encumbered and frustrated by a rigid, constricting diet. I think it’s much more helpful to consider nutrition as a skill to learn. I am not a prescriptive diet kind of person. Your body, goals, preferences, and life phase are all variables to consider when designing a diet. But keep in mind: the goals and desires you have for your body should fall in line with the habits you’re willingly choosing to adhere to. Restriction is not the answer, overindulgence is also not the answer.

Don’t be too mean or too kind to yourself–I like to say hold yourself lovingly accountable. Slow, steady progress with baby steps to better nutritional boundaries will afford you a healthier mind and body. Your diet doesn’t need to be perfect, learn as you go, and fuel your body most of the time and treat it occasionally. Most people need to come to terms with how often they rely on food for entertainment, fulfillment, or to calm emotions. Notice, don’t judge these things and be curious about how you can either give permission to these desires occasionally, handle them without food, or interject an incompatible replacement behavior. You’ll mess up, make mistakes, contend with a busy season or injury. But you’re not beginning from scratch: just begin again. Work with this now new baseline and continue to hold yourself lovingly accountable with the fuel that sustains you.     ​

Cutting shows discipline; but reversing shows mastery. Most applaud the discipline required to say no thank you to the Thanksgiving feast when cutting for a show. But next to no one understands the need to adhere to a structured diet once the medal is awarded post contest. In fact, backstage many competitors have indulgent goodies waiting to be devoured. In preps past, I absolutely fit the aforementioned competitor. However, after my first prep I decided to be more intentional about the reverse process; I took this reverse very slow. That does not mean I was hyper-focused, white knuckling it, or restricting myself though. In fact, I would argue my intentionality made the process easier while being aligned most with my higher self and ideals. 

Since many are unaware of what a reverse diet is, I want to describe the process and why it is necessary (and incredibly beneficial to be intentional about). I will describe how I learned this the hard way from my own experiences, and why those mistakes not only make adherence to a reverse so much easier for me to accept, but why I try to support other competitors through the process now. I will also extend how reverse diets can help the average person avoid the yo-yo rollercoaster and stop resting their laurels on being “on or off.” If you respect the reverse, your body will reward you. 

[What’s a Reverse Diet? Why is it Hard?] 

A reverse diet is the process of slowly increasing calories after a diet or competition prep in order to restore your metabolism, hormones, and energy while minimizing rapid fat gain. This period can be 4-8 weeks for a mild cut or up to 16-20 weeks for a really extreme cut or bodybuilding prep where calories get really low. You know a reverse is complete when calories are at or near a maintenance, weight is stable, hunger/energy/sleep/training performance are normal. The marker of being able to increase food without rapid weight gain indicates maintenance has been achieved.  

Calories are increased in small quantities–usually carbs and fats. For example, my daily calories one-week-out were at 1670 (P-180, C-125, F-50). The Monday after my show my calories immediately increased to 1960 (P-180, Carbs-175, F-60g); my coach gave me more carbs and fats, maintaining high protein. I check in twice a week with my coach (sending video and weight). At nearly every check in we have added more carbs and/or fats to my daily nutrition. I also get one weekend cheat meal; except for the week of Christmas, I got three. My calories got bumped up at my most recent check in (3 weeks after my show) and are now 2,645 (P-180, C-300g, F-80g). My weight dropped from 120 to 119.8 and my coach gave me a third cheat meal. This morning after that meal I weighed 120.2 lbs.

I had still been noticeably hungry in the evenings (and even ravenous some days). Because of that, I know I am not back to my maintenance yet. I sleep pretty well, have great energy in the gym most days, but definitely still feel tired at the last part of the day. When I can’t eat, I’ll chew gum, drink BCAA’s/coffee/diet root beer/ carbonated water. With this most recent calorie and carb bump, I expect hunger to decrease or subside because I have enough carbs to place in my day where I am hungry (a banana before working out and a couple rice cakes with honey almond butter in the evening). Throughout most of my prep for Battle of Texas, we maintained a weight of 128 lbs. with approximately 2400 calories and no cheat meals–it is still wild to me how much food I get to eat while maintaining such a lean, muscular physique in this reverse (nearly 2700 calories to maintain 120 lbs. with a weekly cheat meal). 

While reversing, I do not simply eat because I feel hungry. This might sound depriving, but it is not. During a cut, your hunger receptors and hormones are disrupted (think your check engine light is on but there’s nothing wrong). Leptin (the hormone that signals fullness and energy sufficiency) is suppressed. Ghrelin (the hunger hormone) is elevated; thyroid output and metabolic rate are reduced, and cortisol is likely elevated. Therefore, the urgent, insatiable, emotional, or panicked need to eat (and usually foods rich in calories, fat, and sugar) cannot be trusted. For example, the days that have been the hardest for me to weather in this prep came AFTER my coach gave me 25 g or 10 g more carbs or fat respectively. Since I have adhered to my diet, I could notice this pattern and recognize that my body felt the food increase and was like “oh yeah, don’t stop… give me more!” On those days I would NOT let myself have more food, but I would let myself chew extra gum, have an extra 8 oz. coffee, or diet root beer. I want to caution you overdoing it with caffeine, because that will rev your anxiety motor and can make the hunger/edginess you feel worse. On normal days, I have a max of three pieces of gum a day and 2 drinks that are not water. These limitations might sound silly, but as someone who can go overboard, I rest in the structure and can more easily resist overdoing it--it is a slippery slope. 

I think working closely with a coach (or accountability partner if you’re attempting this on your own after a diet phase) really helps with adherence. It is hard to resist the physiological urges to eat, especially when the concreteness of the stage goal is no longer in place. I remind myself that my body is trying to help me by ensuring I have enough food in my body (since it hadn’t for weeks leading up to the show). I will remind myself “you were doing all these things before your show with less calories" (referencing peak week) and reminding myself that the discomfort will pass and I cannot control it, I can only weather it. I ALWAYS felt better the next day. Not only would the hunger neutralize, but I didn’t have the guilt, shame, and water retention and inflammation from giving in.

Resisting the mind is a huge challenge–especially when you have loved ones excited to share indulgent meals and treats with you and think your reward should be leniency and a break. Yes, this is a time to start to unclench from the structure of a prep cut, but it most certainly is not cutting the string of adherence entirely (this likely also goes with the increased cardio you might need to do as well). Hunger after dieting is real but not calibrated. A reverse diet bridges the gap between survival hunger and intuitive eating. 

Post-diet cravings skew towards fatty and sugary foods because the body wants energy dense foods–NOW. Due to the previously mentioned hormone disruption, overeating of these rich, densely caloric foods is easy to do (and hard to stop doing). This then makes reversing even harder. That is because these foods (high sugar, high fat, ultra-processed) lead to inflammation and blood sugar spikes that negatively impact your mood and emotions. This can elicit depression and/or anxiety. Even reversing with adherence to my diet fully, I felt hungry and moody at times–it is simply an uncomfortable byproduct of this process. However, the severity is only exacerbated by eating these foods without boundaries. 

Unfortunately, many think continuing to adhere to a diet post-show is restrictive, but when done correctly it can help you have freedom from mood shift, body dysmorphia, and water retention/inflammation. I have been able to enjoy indulgent meals like pasta and pizza with treats like a seasonal latte or cookies, but in accordance with my plan. From this space I am exceedingly happy with my physique, enjoying the food increases, and only feeling stronger and more energized as I reverse. I don’t have food noise or crave anything too indulgent and I attribute that to keeping calories so high through my prep and reversing so carefully. I accept that I am working against my hunger cues and resting in my plan. I find gratitude in the foods and quantities I get to eat and remind myself I am not starving AND this is caring for and respecting my body while supporting long-term goals of building my best physique from the most healthful place possible. 

My weight is up roughly 2 lbs. from stage weight, three weeks post show. I wanted to ease back into cheats. Knowing my body and mind’s sensitivity in a reverse from a cut, I started with off meals and treats that I enjoyed but were not excessive. It is also worth mentioning, I had been refilling for the stage and really was no longer calorically depleted the day of my show–I had been eating all day, and much more than the weeks prior in the depletion phase. But I was up late and needed food, so around 2 am I ate 200 g of chicken, a guacamole serving, an oat and honey bar, with a diet root beer. The day after my show I got my favorite Salads and Go wrap (Greek, double chicken) for the ride home, a simple latte at the hotel, and ate a homemade pistachio cookie from a friend. 

The following week was my first real cheat meal, and we made homemade vodka pasta (I go for an unenriched noodle, no inflammation) with grilled chicken and zucchini. I enjoyed my “dessert” earlier in the day and optioned for a gingerbread latte at Summer Moon while I wrote. The next week we ordered two pizzas to go from one of my favorite local spots (Oakfire in downtown Belton for my local friends) and ate a friend’s homemade carrot cake cookie. I had twelve pieces of pizza, and while I could have eaten more, stopped myself. I felt satisfied but not like I was ready to pop.

This week I was given a Christmas Eve and Christmas Day cheat meal. I optioned for a turkey, bacon, avocado sandwich with house made chips (Megg’s Cafe for my local friends) and a gingerbread latte for Christmas Eve. On Christmas Day I wanted a do-over for the Thanksgiving meal I didn’t get to eat–so I had turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce, and gravy. I ate 4 of my own pecan sandie cookies as well. I actually weighed less–slightly under 120 lbs. after that second cheat meal, and my coach increased my carbs and gave me a third cheat meal for the holiday week–where I had four pecan sandies, macchiato with moon foam from Summer Moon, and a burger and fries at a favorite local spot (17 South Main). This morning, I weighed just over 120 lbs. When you reverse slowly your body is USING that food, so bodyweight doesn’t skyrocket. The carbs refill glycogen, protein supports lean tissue, and calories get “spent” on recovery, hormones, and output. 

While I had been using the cheat meals up to this point as a means to reacclimate myself with richer, more caloric meals, my coach did emphasize that my cheat meals should push weight up gradually, not just act as a food break. That being said, I am still very pleased with how gradually I have taken this reverse, though as I continue forward with my cheats, I will loosen the reins a bit more to facilitate a gradual weight gain. Going overboard with food can derail progress and result in excess fat gain. However, cheat meals and eating indulgent, favorite foods can work within your reverse structure without being detrimental to your goals. You get to decide how you’d like that to look based on what you want to do after the reverse phase. This might be maintaining a stricter plan for a future prep or be more relaxed–there is no right or wrong way if it’s aligned to your desires. 

[I Failed the Reverse First] 

When I talk about the power of a reverse, I do so because I failed... epically. After I completed my first show, I had no plan forward; I paid my coach for a 16-week prep and didn’t think about what would come next. He gave me a sheet with percentages and dates to increase calories that I ignored. I aggressively went through the weekend in celebration and continued to binge eat with periods of restriction. I was stressed, inflamed, embarrassed and felt like I had completely–in a matter of weeks–undone the progress I made on my body during those 16 weeks. I could not stop myself from eating, I could not look at myself in a mirror, and it felt painful to be in my own body. So, to the average loved one with someone doing a show prep: NO, total freedom after a prep is NOT the kind thing to do for yourself; structure and adherence with breaks and treats are the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Trust me, ain’t no joy in gaining 30 lbs. rapidly. 

In true Kelly fashion, I could not stop myself from eating–but I could attempt to train to mitigate it. Let me be clear: you CANNOT outrun a poor diet–but I fucking tried. I decided to train for a half marathon, then a full marathon, and would be able to enter another bodybuilding prep after that. I am a firm believer that there are no bad experiences or activities–those are neutral–it is our intentions and motivations that can be flawed. My journey into distance running was not coming from the healthiest space, but I used it as a tool at the time. Now, I no longer use cardio to out-run binge eating habits and in fact evolved to absolutely love it for motivations that stem from a healthy place, and I keep consistently high movement throughout my day. 

 So, I ran a half marathon and then I trained for a full. However, my body hated distances beyond 16 miles. I had the timeline to go back into a bodybuilding prep in May and my second race in April and optioned to cut it back to another half marathon. How much stress was I putting on my body? I finished that second race… with shingles… in my eye. So yes–I didn’t go about this in the best way, but that’s why I orient myself now to taking processes slower and with greater lifestyle integrity. I learned, albeit the hard way. I fought the urge to be all in or all out. Not because this is easy for me, but because I want to better myself and overcoming this perspective is a choice and a practice that we all have power to do IF we do the work around understanding ourselves, intentions, and practice improving our habits. 

In May I entered my second bodybuilding prep. I still hated how I looked and felt in my body. The picture in the bottom left is my first check in with my coach entering that second prep (that’s my body AFTER two half marathons) and the picture in the bottom right is my check in after reversing from that second show. I told myself I would do my second prep for the sole purpose of undoing what I got wrong the first time: the reverse. I was going to do the reverse right this time and continue working with my coach after the show. My husband decided to do the prep with me. He had always wanted to try competing but thought doing it together would enable him to better understand how I felt amidst the process of cutting and reversing and support me through it. He was never a binge-y guy, but even he felt the need and desire to overeat after the show was over. This prep went well, and I used the weekend after the show to be indulgent but not as indulgent as before. I was maintaining around 126 lbs. with my coach (though with comparatively much less muscle than I have on my current physique at a lighter weight). I still found myself over-doing it with my cheat meal on the weekends though. 

My coach gave me a portion of steak and white potato and “one piece of cake” as my weekly cheat meal. I found the biggest “piece of cake” I could and indulged every week (HEB has a very delicious cake-for-two slice of tiramisu cake for anyone wondering). I felt like I would stay in a hamster cycle of undoing that cake each week and really wasn’t improving much. Obviously, this is still lightyears better than my first prep experience. But it still points to how food and caloric binging was in control. I was two weeks out when COVID shut down the show I was prepping for in that back-to-back cut. At the same time, I had just moved to Temple from the DFW area–where I knew no one. Everything closed, my soul-dog received a terminal cancer diagnosis, and I was close to a show and feeling extra binge-y from the cut process. I again fell into binge and stress habits. 

I was able to stop myself but had still gained about 20 lbs. Andrew and I decided to try for a baby and were successful in having Genevieve. I vowed in that process that I would use pregnancy and postpartum like a prep and reverse, though with a more intuitive-eating focus. I felt very successful in my habits and routines and manner of eating. I was not restrictive, nor was I overly indulgent. I allowed my food and movement to be in rhythm with the seasons of life and evolved them to afford me a leaner maintenance body with time and when it made sense to do so. I found myself at a very comfortable 135-ish lb. maintenance in 2024. We began trying for a second child in May of 2024 and we were unfortunately unsuccessful with miscarriages in August and December. After I was able to regulate my hormones and body on my own (maintaining 133 lbs. for approximately two months) I decided to enter a bodybuilding prep. 

During my most recent prep, I was very intentional about eating quality whole foods, moving my body throughout the day, and enjoying challenging cardio. I knew I needed to manage stress and afford my body quality sleep and rest. I focused on sustainable habits–not for a season of cutting–but as a lifestyle. This prep helped me undo some of the byproducts I disliked from the upheaval my body experienced with my miscarriages. The pictures at the top of this post are my back amidst this current reverse. So again, I knew the power of a reverse and its significance for helping me to continue to refine and sharpen myself to my higher ideals. I am currently 35 weeks out from NPC North Americans.  

[If You Misstep] 

    We aren’t perfect, reversing isn’t easy, and there is no right way to do it (especially if you aren’t prepping for something else immediately after the cut you just did). There are usually shame, guilt, frustration, anger, shock, and discomfort associated with “messing up” or going off plan. I want to share a few tips from my experience: 

1. It’s ok to be a C student: if you don’t go balls to the walls off and get back on plan or have a donut at work or a piece of pizza and a cupcake at a birthday party, just get back to plan. Chock it up as life and move forward. The scale will settle in a couple days. 
2. Get back on plan as soon as possible: don’t unnecessarily restrict yourself, your body will reward you by overdoing it later if you do. Just move on with your plan. 
3. Lean into your coach or an accountability person be honest with them and yourself and again, the sooner the better. 
4. Hydrate: BCAAs, Pedialyte, water to drink AND lotion for your skin (especially after a show you were not moisturizing and exfoliating your skin is dehydrated too and it's your largest organ). 
5. Go into your days with a plan and stick to it: yes, I mentioned above not being perfect, but I also recommend holding yourself accountable. Just like in prep you held yourself accountable to a plan, do that in reverse–know when the treats or cheats are coming and while you can make space for some flexibility–hold it to the best of your ability. Discipline rests in structure–then you do not need willpower. I like to think of things as just not an option, so I have no emotional attachment to not having the food. 
6. The feeling will pass, what helps you ride that out? Chewing gum, BCCAs, coffee, water, flavored water, moving your body, or anything else that doesn’t break the caloric bank that can help you ride out the feeling of wanting to eat when you shouldn’t. Can’t trust yourself with serving sizes? Buy individual bags of servings, weigh out a portion and put the rest away, or pre-plan servings in baggies to grab. This can help stop or mitigate the amount of overeating you do when your body wants to keep eating. 

[Takeaways for Anyone] 
    
    With 2026 nearly upon us, I want to underscore the consideration of a reverse diet for anyone wanting to go for the ever-popular weight loss New Year’s resolution. A reverse is not only for a bodybuilder, but for anyone who has spent a significant amount of time “cutting” or losing weight. Most people focus on what it takes to lose weight, but not the lifestyle and habits it takes to maintain a new weight. First and foremost, I think it is worth mentioning that the number you think you should weigh is likely not correct (or at least rooted in anything), nor is it a concrete value: you probably fluctuate 5 lbs. on any given day. 

I’d recommend weighing yourself in the morning upon waking after using the bathroom. Weight is simply one variable related to your body composition. It isn’t everything, but it is a useful measure to be aware of. When you are consistent with your movement and food, your weight will become more consistent too and is a more reliable variable to notice. That means that as the variable changes, you (and if you have one your coach) can make intelligent adjustments to your food and movement. While I don’t track or know my bodyfat percentage, I can use my scale weight and pictures/video/mirror to determine the quality of my physique. I refer to weight countless times in this post, because it is a useful, consistent variable for understanding this version of my body. When you are depleting your body is so sensitive to swings, I don’t want the scale to jump 7 lbs. from one meal (even a cheat meal). This is stressful on the body and will then additionally tax your mind and emotions. Your weight isn’t everything, but it is in fact something to be mindful of. 

Whether you are working with a coach or managing your weight loss goal for yourself, consider focusing on periods of weight loss and maintenance. If you’re only losing and then stop working there, you’ll likely resort to old habits, and your weight will go right back to where it was (or higher). You can consider a “goal weight” to hit and then try to hold that weight and reverse–gradually and slowly adding calories (carbs and fat) back to help your hormones and metabolism catch up. This will also afford you practice at learning and adhering to the new habits you’ve established that are required to be at that weight. Instead of focusing on the goal weight you want to be, I’d recommend identifying the habits that allow you to be in this version of yourself. You’ll have to learn how to navigate holiday eating (I promise there is almost always a reason to celebrate with food), stressful times (people who adhere to diets aren’t free of stress but they cope without comfort food), and otherwise learn what it feels like to be in a maintenance weight (you probably WANT to eat more, but you don’t actually require more food). 

    If you can do this, you will better control fat gain as you increase calories back. For example, I am eating more calories now at 120 lbs. than I was maintaining 128 lbs. before my show. By reversing mindfully, my body lost fat, I retained muscle, and my hormones rebounded. I don’t like to think of bodies as a before or after. Instead, I consider my body as an evolution–and a work of art–that I will forever be refining. I will often have people come up to me and ask for advice on how to have a maintainable, muscular-lean physique. My top suggestions are as follows: 

1. Work with a coach: (yes, yes this costs money, but I promise it's worth it) 
2. Understand the habits you need to sustain to maintain your progress. What you were doing wasn’t allowing you to maintain where you wanted, so you need to do things differently. They've done this before, they understand how to support you, and it's easier to be accountable when you're paying for it. 
3. Nutrition is king: quality, minimally processed whole foods that fit your caloric goals and current bodily needs (people ask me to send them my diet and I always underscore that if they eat the amount I get–which is a lot for someone my size–they will gain weight). 
4. Slow, Steady, Consistent, Maintainable: People want to CUT weight but almost always yo-yo back up (it's not fat loss but weight loss and people really want fat loss which is slow). I recommend aiming for a small weight loss goal (if you fluctuate between 150 lbs. and 145 lbs. try to get that flux to cut down to 140-145 lbs. and then maintain that for 4-8 weeks before cutting again). This is the progression I used to get my bodyweight back down from my pre-miscarriage weight (143-148 lbs. and I got it down to 135-133 lbs. before linking with my coach). I did not track my food but ate quality and similar meals each week at home and used intuitive eating practices. From doing preps, I knew what it felt like to physically be in caloric surplus, maintenance, and deficit and was able to eat accordingly. 

When I reflect on reversing this time around, I feel an appreciation for the presence I’ve had navigating it. At times, I felt uncomfortable, but accepted it. I noticed the desire to eat more or something not on plan and I calmly resisted. I have proceeded slowly and gradually and felt my body feel stronger and look better. Overall, this prep has afforded me my favorite body to date while simultaneously being the easiest one to maintain. I didn’t need to white-knuckle or fight this prep or this reverse. Instead, I accepted that freedom isn’t the absence of boundaries with food; but rather comes from structure. Discipline is really just resting in my established habits and routines. Intentionality helps you stay the course of your higher self and ideals. While flexibility affords you agency to pivot when necessary. Acceptance allows you to weather storms and discomfort, knowing they will pass. And grace gives you peace to navigate imperfection. So whether you’re reading this as a competitor, dieter, or supporter of one of the aforementioned: be aware of the bridge experience that is reversing and proceed through it with acceptance, integrity, and care.

​

A majority of people I talk to tell me about their pained joints, age limitations, or general disdain for cardio. But to quote Dean Karnazes, an American ultra runner, author, and speaker: “there’s magic in the misery. Just ask any runner.” It doesn’t help that popular culture glorifies lifting and tags anyone who focuses on cardio as a cardio bunny or weakling. I’ve been the person who shies away from cardio in favor of the gains. However, I contend that everyone should have some form of cardio training in their life and routine–or at very least movement. I’d argue my lifting, overall health, and body composition benefit from its inclusion. I will speak mostly to running in this post but know there are myriad forms of cardio challenges you could pursue that align with your preferences in movement. 

[Benefits]

There are numerous benefits from incorporating some form of cardio into your routine. Of course it aids in heart health by enabling your heart to pump blood more efficiently. It also enhances circulation and blood pressure regulation, and reduces risk of heart disease and stroke. Lung health and oxygen efficiency are additional benefits (I don’t even know what shortness of breath feels like). I often tell people “I run for my mental health” and there’s no surprise that cardiovascular activities boost mood, reduce anxiety and depression symptoms and improve cognitive function and sleep quality. Most people are “active couch potatoes” these days (hit the gym for 30-60 minutes to lift weights but are sedentary for the majority of their day beyond that). 

I firmly believe the trend of overly anxious and depressed adults relates to this trend. Yes, lifting weights helps burn some of that energy but cardio training scratches the itch in a superior way. Whether I am sprinting, running distance, or otherwise moving dynamically, it just regulates differently. I even use moving one’s body as a consequence with Genevieve. When she is extra aggressive verbally or in her body, she runs laps (the length of the driveway four times). Not only do I do this to burn off some of the heat and energy she’s dishing, but to hopefully help her connect with an outlet for when she’s feeling tense: to move her body. This is something I do for myself as well. It isn’t a punishment to move, it is a basic need and sometimes our behavior, mood, or negative thoughts can cue us in that we NEED to move our body, adding water to a metaphorical flame. 

Cardio also aids in building muscular endurance and enhances mitochondrial density, increasing the body’s ability to produce energy efficiently. I know for a fact I am a better lifter because of my cardio endurance. I can hold on for crazy supersets, drop sets, and 8-12 reps heavy so much more easily because by comparison to my endurance cardio, those activities are incredibly brief. And if you think running will deteriorate your muscle and physique, I challenge you to look up what elite cardio athletes look like (Florence Griffith-Joyner, Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce, Ato Boldon, David Goggins to name a few) to see the power and strength their bodies exemplify. Or even Sam Sulek, a professional bodybuilder who advocates for the incorporation of cardio to one’s training routine. My husband and I both utilize running into our routines and have lean, muscular physiques in our mid-thirties. And of course, cardiovascular health for all the aforementioned benefits aids in longevity and vitality. So not only does it aid you in living more years but improves the quality of those years. 

[Movement vs. Cardio] 

So, while lifting culture is very popular, I hope you’ll resist falling into the active couch potato sack. In order to do that, moving more is imperative. I think of movement and cardio as separate strata. I seek movement throughout my day. I do not force movement but rather look for opportunities throughout my daily rhythm to be active. I allow this to change with the season of life or literal season of the year I find myself residing. And when something no longer works, I get curious about how I can adjust. Generally speaking, I am very active–easily hitting 15,000 steps a day to well over 20,000. A few examples of how I move throughout the day: 

• Walk my dogs in the morning 
• Walk on an incline of 6 slowly (speed 2.0-3.0) while I drink my post workout shake 
• Cool down walk ranging in speeds of 1.8-3.8 for a distance of 1-4 miles 
• Play with Genevieve, walk at parks, carry her around, etc. 
• Walk my dogs in the evening 

I write this post amidst a bodybuilding prep where my cardio is actually much less than it has been in my lifestyle maintenance. That being said my current cardio practices (using that term to describe what my coach has me do each week in my plan at 6 weeks out) is as follows: 

• 30 minutes of stairs (I focus on speed intervals, spending most of my time on level 15 and 20 with the max of the machine being level 20)
• 1-mile fast run with a sub-7-minute-mile goal twice a week (I complete this after my two week-day upper-body days)

In recent years my routine included running 20-35 total miles per week in addition to lifting. Or I would substitute those runs for two speed-work Stairmaster days (120 minutes and 100 minutes). However, I am focusing on a bodybuilding goal and already have a relatively lean physique. So, while I have less cardio, I still move often throughout the day (10,000-20,000 daily steps). Even if building lean mass is your goal, there is still a place for cardio and movement in helping you find a great maintainable physique and aid in your overall health. 

If you’re just getting started with cardio, I highly recommend focusing on movement. You can let that be generally in life or adding some movement at the gym (before, after, or a little bit of both). You’ll likely find that just increasing movement will cause you to feel sore or notice your joints. Those noticings don’t mean the increased movement is bad for you, but rather that your body is adjusting to moving in a way it is not used to (just like sore muscles that you haven’t worked in a while–or ever). I highly recommend walks after meals, to aid digestion. If you want to aim for a running goal: try getting your body used to WALKING that distance first. So, if you want to push for a 5K or a 10K, make sure you can walk constantly for 3-6 miles before running. 

[Key Concepts: From My Experience] 

Cardio is hard because you don’t do it. IF you want to improve your cardiovascular abilities you have to practice it; but more importantly you have to push past the “I suck at this” stage. That means you will have to run/walk, start slow, have cramps, shin splints, be sore, notice your joints. But your body–IF you set goals and practices that GRADUALLY challenge your body’s cardiovascular abilities: you will improve, just like in weightlifting. And I promise, the hardest part of any run is always the beginning of your run. Most people are “just not a runner” in the same way I don’t speak French: I don’t practice the language. You won’t be fluid in your movement–just like you wouldn’t be in a language–that you don’t practice. You will be clunky, it will be uncomfortable, and inefficient at first, be patient.

If you want to start running, I have a few recommendations. First and foremost: get good shoes. I’d recommend Brooks, Mizuno, On Cloud, or Hoka. Additionally, going to an actual running shoe store (I go to Waco Running Company) to get fitted in a brand, style, and size. I wear an 8.5 in my Jordans to train but wear a 9 in most runners. I test run the shoes outside and can talk about options of shoes based on my current running practice with the employee who is better versed than I am in available shoes. My joints rarely bother me when I run, and I always know I am due for new shoes when I start to notice my knees during or after my runs. Now, I prefer my Jordans on the Stairmaster or steady-state movement. BUT you will never catch me running without my runners. 

When beginning to run, most people focus on their stride and foot placement, but I prefer instead to put my attention on my breath. I want a calm and relaxed pattern of breathing, and I find naturally my feet will stride best when I move in accordance with my breathing. 

• First breathe in through the nose and mouth together 
• Expand your belly first, then ribs, then chest 
• Exhale fully through mouth allowing gentle contraction in abs 

Cramping can also be alleviated using the breath. Cramps often arise from inefficient breathing, with air being trapped and pushed on your intestines or diaphragm. When I have a cramp, I will take 3 very exaggerated belly breaths in and force the air out of my mouth on the exhale. Usually by the third breath, the discomfort fully subsides. When you’re new to running your stride and breathing are likely more sporadic and inefficient, but as you practice (during the actual run and just runs over time) you will find your rhythm in your body and improve efficiency. 

Another mistake people make when starting to run that adds to loathing the practice is going too hard too fast. They want each run to be the longest or the fastest, they want to run every day, etc. If you’re just getting started, I’d recommend that you try running twice a week (this is assuming you’re already balancing other fitness activities). Have one run focus on improving your speed and the second improving your distance. The goals you set should not be lofty, but rather EASILY obtainable. Your speed goal might be to run half a mile every week for six weeks with the goal that you run it faster each week. By locking in your distance, you are able to focus on the variable of speed. By choosing the same distance you’re also letting your body get used to running FASTER but at a distance it knows. After six weeks, if you’ve been able to hit the goal for most of those weeks, increase your distance to three-quarters of a mile or one mile for another six weeks. 

For your second run of the week, you might grow your distance by adding .25-.5 miles to your run every week. So, if you start out running one mile the second week you’d run 1.25 miles, the third week 1.50 and so on. During these runs you are not worried about PRs. You can absolutely notice your speed, but the goal here is just to get your body used to pushing beyond the distance it is used to. I personally like to add “I am not allowed to walk” because this naturally slows your pace and keeps you from pushing while simultaneously growing your threshold for turning work into rest. 

Now I will spend some time discussing different types of cardio you can choose to incorporate. Steady-State Cardio (LISS) is where you keep a steady pace the whole time. This might be jogging, a brisk walk, cycling or time on the elliptical. It should feel comfortable and your heart rate is low to moderate. This burns fat, builds endurance, and is low stress to the body. A great starting point and what I would refer to as movement. MISS (moderate intensity Steady State)
is similar to LISS but requires more effort. You can talk but not in full sentences. The benefit to MISS is improvement in aerobic capacity and stamina. Zone 2 Cardio is a form of steady state cardio that is slow, and easy that relies mostly on fat for fuel. It feels very relaxed and you can have a conversation while doing it. This aids heart health, recovery, and endurance. Tempo or threshold cardio is a steady pace that is comfortably hard–just below your max that you can sustain; talking is tough but you’re working. This helps you run faster for longer. HIIT (high intensity interval training) includes short bursts of hard effort followed by rest. Your heart rate should be high during work and drop during rest. The benefit of this form of cardio is improvement to speed and conditioning, burns a lot of calories fast, and is time efficient. This aids in boosting metabolism and athletic conditioning.

Most often people include cardio when they are trying to lose weight for a new year’s resolution or to “cut” for summer. If you combine cardio for the sole purpose of losing weight and dieting–you will hate it. But instead, if you look at the menu of options above and try to create a sustainable relationship with them–regardless of a bulk, maintenance, or cut your body composition, conditioning, and overall health will improve. Or better yet: train for a race and enjoy the process of preparing for a cardio challenge as a focus. 

[Better Cardio, Better Grit]

Everything I do in the gym–from cardio to yoga to lifting–I consider as play. I am exploring what I enjoy, what’s effective for achieving my goals, and pushing my body and mind out of their comfort zone for the sake of growth. To quote Dr. Stuart Brown, the founder of the National Institute for Play, “play energizes us and enlivens us. It eases our burdens, renews our natural sense of optimism, and opens us up to new possibilities.” To be playful in a gym setting, in my opinion, allows us to practice bolstering strength, grit, and perseverance that translates to how we handle real-life problems and circumstances. When I do a Sarah Beth yoga flow practice, she describes the  balance in “holding on or letting go” and I always take that into my real life. There are times when something is hard, but I can hold on and overcome it. But there is also a time when I need to avoid force and control and allow for a release. By playing with a distance run or a sprint I can actually practice building those mental muscles for trusting myself to intuitively do what’s necessary. 

For example, when I sprint, I am practicing my ability to hold on. This is because I have agency: if I am dying and mentally want to be done, well I remind myself I can go faster to put myself out of my misery faster. And in fact, I believe that if your mind is able to tell you how hard what you’re doing is, you can actually (and should) go faster to quiet that voice and BE in your body. My preferred pattern for sprints is as follows: 

• Run a warmup (lap or mile) increasing the speed (so a quick-ish mile but not your fastest)
• Stop, Stretch out on the treadmill 
• Begin a pattern of a one-minute sprint with a two-minute walk (very slow to recover, like a 2.0-2.5)
• I repeat this pattern with each sprint getting faster (usually ranging from 9.1-11.0 on the treadmill) 
• When I get towards the end, I will run a cool down (lap or mile again at a quick-ish pace but not your fastest)

Now, I’d like to discuss a few considerations for the above practice. First and foremost DO NOT jump to the side of the treadmill for a harsh stop while sprinting. For one: your distance and pace are lies. But more importantly this is SO HARD on your body and joints. Your body needs to warm into and cool down from the pace range, let it do that. A true sprint is no longer than 45-60 seconds, so build to your max speed for that long and then bring it back down. You want to come back down to a slow enough pace to allow your heart rate to recover AND build into a faster sprint. I rarely run into issues in my body from running (and I will do 5-7 miles of this sprint pattern including a warmup and cool down running mile) and I believe this comes from my ability to build up as I go. Could I maybe sprint faster while I am ‘fresh?’ Maybe, but I could also pull something. I prefer to build up and empty my gas tank at the end, or to “finish strong” to quote my good friend and ultra-athlete Pollyann Keller (see her blog www.fosterkid2ultraathlete). 

If you’re just beginning to sprint, you might start with something like this: 

• Walk one lap on a 3.5 
• Sprint on a 5.0 for 1 minute, walk on a 2.0 for 2 minutes, Sprint on a 5.1, walk on a 2.0, repeat with a sprint build until you get to 5.5 
• Walk one lap on a 3.0 

Distance running is a different beast entirely. While yes, I can go faster to improve my time and make the activity end a tad sooner, it just takes a looooong time to run a greater distance. Last year my active recovery days were ten-mile runs. This would take me about 82 minutes to complete (I was pretty solidly between an 8 '00-8' 20 for my average pace). I would run my first eight miles with a slow build up pace (start on a speed of 7.1 and each mile increase by 0.1) and then do speed work for my last two miles. The slowest speed I would run on would be a 7.0 for the entire duration of my run–for 82 minutes. Now, I had to build up to that, but for me the practice was turning work into rest. I would run on an 8.5 but if I needed rest, could not go slower than a 7.0. Now, I say “couldn’t” but what I mean by that was that I’d hold myself accountable to challenging myself. Whenever I was starting out, I would begin my run with the constraint of not being allowed to walk and the leniency of saying “6 miles is good, 8 miles is great, 10 miles is the goal.” This flexibility allowed me to find satisfaction in pushing my body but listening to it too. Rarely, if ever, did I need to cut my run to 6 or 8 miles. But knowing I could, allowed me to push past the part of me that wanted to stop the run. 

Distance running helps me push past circumstances and excuses by locking into a flow state. I am able to stretch my patience and tolerance because 82 minutes of constant movement without rest is HARD. But there are situations or circumstances in life we just have to exist within. I am mentally and emotionally better at coping in those circumstances from my distance running practice. In fact, I believe I was more tolerant of flow with the lack of sleep in the fourth trimester and just rolling with Genevieve’s newborn needs from this bolstered tolerance. 

When I would get on a treadmill or go outside to do a distance run, I had to contend with how I felt that day or the day’s weather and not fall into excuses (I am sore from leg day, GI issues, fatigue, it’s windy, too cold, too hot, etc.) but rather knew I could show up, do my best, and hold on through whatever arose. What I always realized was anything that bothered me at the start of the run usually subsided at some point. Just like in life: hard times or feelings pass, just keep going. And just like with sprinting: if my mind is talking about how hard this feels or cataloging things that don’t feel great, go faster. I don’t mean by a huge margin, but increase your speed by 0.1-0.3 and see if the voice quiets or the body settles in. But keep in mind, to truly learn when you need to hold on or let go, you will have to get it wrong. Sometimes you might push too hard and be a bit tender or sore–that’s simply information for when your ego is talking or your body. Learning is experiential but keep play at the forefront and you’ll open up new possibilities for your body and mind. 

[Wing It, intentionally]

There are so many gadgets, trackers, and metrics one can use. Personally, I feel focusing on those variables (especially as a novice) is overwhelming and unnecessary. When I decide to run, I show up as I am for that day. I listen to my body as I move, and at the end I will look at my apple watch to notice what I ran each mile at, my average pace, my average heartrate, and my average cadence. These measures give me an indication about how challenged I was by the individual run and how it compares to my current performance trend. Sometimes a run can feel hard and I might have wanted to quit, but by the run’s end it will be right in my typical performance. This can feel especially rewarding that I was able to push past physical or mental barriers without quitting–the satisfaction from the runs you do that FEEL hard is greater than simply getting a time PR.

While I am running, I notice my heart rate (my treadmill links to my watch so I can observe that metric during my run easily). I do not watch tv or listen to podcasts when I am running (unless I am doing a pretty slow 10-13 mile run and I will usually do an audiobook). Instead, I listen to a playlist that fits the type of run I am doing and I get myself into a flow state with my body. If I am sprinting, I listen to Rage Against the Machine, System of a Down, Beastie Boys, The Prodigy, and anything by Jack White. If I am running an 8–13-mile run, I listen to flowy girly shit– Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Spice Girls, anything like that. The energy of the music matters for my flow and attention, so be mindful of what practice you’re doing and what kind of music or stimulation helps you flow with your practice. If I am running, and not doing speed work, I love talking to people while I run. I spend 80% of my run at a speed where I can easily carry a conversation, though as I progress with distance I may begin speaking less and preferring to listen more. My last two miles I usually do speed work and that’s when I pause conversation and listen to music. 

Since I am present in my body during my runs, I’ve noticed how my heart rate reflects bodily sensations I experience. For example, I don’t break a brow sweat until I run for a while at a heart rate of 145 BPM (like 1.5-3 miles). I can keep a conversation until I am around 165 BPM; When I am around 175 BPM, I don’t want to talk anymore. When my heart rate is at 180 BPM, I don’t want to drink water anymore and when my heart rate is over 190 BPM (usually the very tail end of speed work at the end of my distance runs) I will have a sensation of wanting to throw up if I sustain without slowing for too long. 

Right now, I run a 6-minute-30-second mile twice a week and I am hardly breaking a sweat by its end, and my average heart rate is around 150 BPM. I have had two runs twice a week for five months and have gotten faster while simultaneously improving my efficiency (better cadence and heart rate). Running right now is not my priority, so I am not trying to kill myself with PRs. But I will notice how difficult or easy the run was (during and my recovery after) and carry that forward with my next run (i.e. beginning on a 9.2 as the slowest speed instead of my usual 9.1). Noticing can help you select the next baby step forward in your primary and secondary goals but try not to let your ego get wrapped up and smothered by them. Excellence comes from sustainable and consistent progress and maintenance. 

 So, it is less that you hate cardio–or are otherwise predisposed to “not be a runner.” Instead, think of it as a language you aren’t fluent in. Get shoes that are actually for running (fun fact: you can train in runners, but you shouldn’t run in trainers), begin by first increasing movement and follow that up with easily obtainable goals for speed and distance. Show up, be present with your practice, and listen to your body (not your mind, which will tell you to stop and that you aren’t a runner). Remember that there’s a whole menu of cardio play out there: biking, cycling, Stairmaster, swimming, dancing, jump rope, and even bootcamps. Experiment with which resonates for you and practice. And no, one week or two months isn’t enough time to not suck at it–doing Duolingo for that long won’t make you fluent in French. You will not be fluent in your cardio practice in that short of time. BUT you will notice improvements and benefits (physical and mental) in this time. For those who embrace running or other cardio practices know “every run begins with resistance and ends with release.”

As I write this, I am eleven weeks out from my first bodybuilding show since becoming a mom. I was hesitant to compete postpartum because I didn't want to deviate from the peace, flow, and intuitive relationship I developed with my body. However, after so much involuntary suffering last year, I found the chosen suffering of a prep to be a welcomed respite. In August and December of 2024, I experienced miscarriages. While the first rocked me emotionally, the second tormented me physically (and acutely for five months). A prep felt like light work by comparison. I also craved agency in my body--something I did not have during this time--which began with my pregnancy in August 2024 until my bleeding finally subsided from my December miscarriage in April 2025. Entering a prep afforded me agency by celebrating what my body could do. I felt trapped in a waiting period of if and when we'd try again. A bodybuilding prep gave me a solid break from feeling stuck in a grey area, because I was pursuing something else entirely. 

Throughout all of this, I held intentionality at the forefront. I had two mantras that rooted me amidst the chaos of back-to-back losses, enduring health complications, and a stage 4 cancer diagnosis of someone very close to me. The first being "Everyone goes through hard things. These things are mine and I will not let them harden me." The second, a question: with arms open wide and head up--"universe, what do you have for me?" My alignment to these mantras did not mean I was not present with heavy emotions--oh no, I held space to be with and surrounded by them. But I was able to ensure I could find joy in each day amidst this season of heaviness. I sought gratitude and joy in already having Genevieve. On more than one heavy day for me, she'd exclaim at dinner "this was the best day ever!" Grief and joy can--and should--coexist. I did not whitewash my experience either though. I allowed Genevieve to see me cry and talk about my feeling related to the losses and held space for her to shed her feelings too.

That was probably the hardest part of all of this truly--G really wanted to be a big sister and even to this day asks about if she'll be a big sister and why my babies had to have issues and could not be born. She also saw me contend with the enduring physical complications I weathered for months including the five weeks in March I halted all movement (even down to avoiding tag with a four-year-old). I could do nothing but embrace my reality and I did. 

Holding the question to the universe "what do you have for me?" got me to the place of pursuing a prep. I had countless people--friends, people who I'd see at the gym, and friends in the bodybuilding space all express that I was already pretty close to a stage condition. I waved the idea off mostly, but I did file those comments in a "universe is talking" folder in the back of my mind. But the real mover for me came from a friend's social media story share. This friend posted about the anniversary of her child's traumatic brain injury from a fall. I privately messaged her asking her how she was feeling. What she said, resonated in a big way for me. She simply stated, "today wasn't as hard of a day as I thought it would be." This was in June, and I had been dreading the coming of July 3rd and pretty disinterested in my upcoming August birthday. I got really curious about what I could do, to make these days less hard for myself. What I landed on was a bodybuilding prep. 

I was dreading July 3rd--and really just that first week in general. My sister-in-law shared the identical due date for her second child. I was already surrounded by many close friends having their second child, which was hard. But the identical due date meant I had to continue to face that full cycle of pregnancy and birth that we wouldn't get to celebrate. Of course, I am happy that they did not experience loss and were able to welcome a happy, healthy baby girl; but it elongated closing that grief loop. I held intentionality that I would untangle the complicated grief attached to their and my experience but also held space for myself to get through that grief loop. I take it as another universal sign that the day she gave birth was the day my coach sent me my prep plan. It may not have been the course I thought I'd be on, but that felt like a nudge in a forward direction.

Similarly, I had hoped to be done having children by 34. But by consciously choosing to enter prep, I allowed myself to shed that timeline. I was even able to loan out baby furniture to a friend having her second child, which felt like a physical clearing of space that too gave me liberation from trying right now or in the immediate future when I truly do not find alignment in that. I am grateful for the close friends who were pregnant that navigated the complicated with me: asked me how I was doing (not just sharing about their pregnancy), supported me in action and word, and held space for my heavy amidst their joy. Not everyone understood my need for space for the complicated grief--but those who honored my boundaries and held love and space for me enabled my healing. For those who did not understand, I stood firmly in setting uncomfortable boundaries and maintained what I needed during my time of difficulty. My birthday celebration was lowkey and nice. By no means was it a top tier day, but it didn't feel heavy (and I have gratitude in that). As my friend said: it wasn't as hard of a day as I thought it would be. 

We can choose to let darkness of circumstances suffocate and capture us. But we also have the ability to hold it, accept it, and carry it forward. That is what I intentionally set out to do. But that does not mean from the get-go we wear a mask of positive acceptance. And I hope that if you're weathering something you do not put that mask on. Of if you're supporting someone who is that you do not ASK them to put on this mask. Sit with them, listen to their release, and show up in the way THEY need. This might be uncomfortable for you; you might want to rush them through the negative feelings that come with grief and heaviness--but to truly transcend one has to organically shed that weight. Don't compound the weight by forcing positivity or acceptance.

July 6th I formally began working with my coach, Jeff Dwelle, in preparation for Battle of Texas on December 6th. But I did not go 0-60 with this goal. Prior to trying for baby number two (beginning in May 2024) I had myself in a pretty nice lean maintenance around 135 lbs. using intuitive eating and movement. I had two 10-mile runs, three-four training days, and one yoga day. I took rest days when they naturally would arise and essentially held that the different activities I had built in afforded me active rest. 

When I was pregnant with G until one year postpartum, I was completely out of the gym. I was still active: while pregnant I walked 6-12 miles a day outside and did prenatal yoga. I ran 2-6 miles with Genevieve in her running stroller daily and did yoga 2-3 times a week. When G was just under 2 years old, I joined Crunch when it opened and worked out during her nap time on weekends. This eventually evolved to taking her to the gym five mornings a week. All that to say, I graduated my activity and embraced the season I was in postpartum. I focused on eating a balanced, intuitive diet of whole foods and moving my body in resonant ways. When I did get back into the gym, I was very happy with the muscle tone I managed to sustain. I give this background to exemplify that I was never fighting my postpartum body or forcing my way back into my pre-pregnancy body--with G or with these losses. 

In fact, I maintain the perspective that our body is ever evolving and building upon experiences and habits we sustain. I treat pregnancy similarly to how I treat a prep. Three months before trying I eliminate all non-pregnancy friendly products, foods, etc. I listen to my body eating in quantities and ways my body and the baby direct me to (though trying to be as healthy as I can in movement and food selection). I will say I was incredibly frustrated and angry by the fact that I had to be pregnant--with all the changes that come with that in energy, mood, and physical changes that come with it for no reason. I am not someone who loves being pregnant--but I accept it as part of the process and embrace it to the best of my ability. My second pregnancy was nonviable, but the miscarriage would not come on its own. I took a medicine to elicit the miscarriage at home, and the cramping was worse than any labor cramps I experienced. I was out of my first trimester when I lost that baby. My body and belly had changed and all I wanted was to feel like myself again in my mood, mind, and body. 

My doctor (GP and OB) cleared me for exercise, and I worked out, trusting my body to tell me my limits during each pregnancy and throughout my pregnancies and losses. However, I found myself in March 2025 (while being cleared by multiple thorough ultrasounds and blood tests) still bleeding and contending with cramping and uncomfortable sensations in the months that followed. My OB even put me on a medication to stop bleeding, and she was confounded when it did not work, she doubled the dose and even that did not fully stop the bleeding until I opted (against her advice--she wanted me to have a D&C and I did not since there was no evidence to show a reason to have one) to try stopping my physical activity. Within a week, all bleeding finally stopped. I continued to halt activity--something very difficult for me--for 5 weeks to attempt to allow my body rest. I was again angry because I wanted to move but also knew to maintain myself without movement would be to diet, which felt like additional punishment. I found salad varieties and flavor profiles I loved and treats in Salads and Go wraps. Ironically, I didn't feel as deprived as I thought I would and was able to maintain my physical body without getting swept away by calorically overdoing it like I would have in the past. 

I give the above background to express how I did not just run to a coach to undo my body, to punish my body, or fight what I went through. I did not want to act from a reactive place. I wanted my intentions to stem from a healthy and intentional place. Once I resumed activity, my goal was to get myself back to the pre-attempting-pregnancy weight maintenance of 135 lbs. I was able to get myself to 133 lbs. in June easily on my own. I knew I didn't want to lose more weight from that place but rather wanted to bring up the conditioning of my lower body. I knew my progress with that focus would be better achieved with a coach and a prep would help me shed that additional body fat from my pregnancies and give me a great starting point for building back my lower body. When I was pregnant and amidst miscarriages and complications, I could not train my lower body how I wanted. I accepted that and am very happy with the upper body conditioning I was able to establish during that time. In June 2025, my body did feel ready to pursue a challenge. While I still dealt with some residual sensations and discomfort, I felt like my hormones had regulated and I could partner with an expert to help me achieve progress. 

While I don't know what the road forward looks like, I know the path I am currently on feels right. I am invigorated by a goal and a challenge. This prep has been unlike any other for me. Since I started pretty lean, I find myself nearly ten weeks out and still maintaining 128 lbs. and eating almost 2400 calories. Normally I lose 20-30lbs. for a prep eating no more than 1600 calories 16 weeks out, but I find myself just maintaining with great energy while my body is changing at this weight. Thus far my prep has been fun, invigorating, and manageable. I am so grateful I was curious to find a way to make the road less hard and redirect my focus. I did not let hard times harden me. I continued to move, I continued to listen, and I rest in the knowing that these experiences will shape the woman I am.

Miscarriages are a unique loss because it is a loss not felt deeply by anyone else. I felt the life force extinguish from my body, a uniquely haunting experience. People often don't count it as a loss, but it is: one of a future that you desire and visualize. I do not know if I will ever have another child. When I experienced my first loss, I told Genevieve (and continue to express) that our family is already whole, complete, and wonderful. I try not get swallowed by hope or fear, for both are phantoms. I will not hold onto hope that I WILL have another child. Nor will let fear keep me from trying if I come to a place where I want to try again. I will hold an open heart for whatever happens and knows that" the time for figs is not yet."

Everyone's life has heavy and hard--but I hope that you're able to resist letting them harden you. Amidst difficult times may you find joy and through acceptance find movement forward. We can only wing it in life, for truly everything is out of our control. May you release the reigns and relax into the ride by using what's on your actual path (rather than the one you carefully imagine). Though intentionality can aid us in processing our grief and letting go and finding movement and lightness. So, whether you find yourself amidst challenging times or mindfully choosing a challenge, I hope you keep in mind that "the path is not avoiding obstacles, but learning to walk with them as part of the way." 

Today is the start to Genevieve's second season of Soccer Shots. Prior to this fall session, she participated in a summer session, and before that tried out a mommy & me gymnastics class in early spring. I want to discuss the value afforded to toddlers by participating in organized activities. 

Gymnastics 
When a friend suggested a local mommy & me gymnastics class, I jumped at the opportunity to enroll G. At the time, Genevieve was a few months under two. There were maybe 7 other babies and toddlers participating. Genevieve walked later than most (taking her first steps at 15 months but waiting until 18 months to prefer that to her power crawl). I thought that Gymnastics would be a great way to help her experiment with movement and develop coordination. She loved somersaults down the incline mat and running in a straight line along a path (the path was laminated paper on the floor to indicate where to place your hands to do a handstand, but G took them to be steppingstones to sprint along).

During her month of participation, she absolutely refused to sit for directions at circle time. In fact, the class was 45 minutes long, but Genevieve was always ready to go after 30 minutes. Rather than fight a fussy toddler (it was close to nap time after all) we'd simply wave and bow out early. I never saw this early departure as a "waste of money" because G was able to enjoy gymnastics for the time she was there, and I didn't need to juice out every minute to make it seem "worth it." There is a time to push and a time to let go, and I knew in this it was best to let go, and head home. 

Fortunately, day one her (very sweet and patient) coach told me "Don't worry about her following directions, you just follow her and wherever she decides to go." I was so grateful for her follow-the-child approach because I could focus on letting Genevieve explore and engage in her own way with the room, equipment, and people in the space (without being preoccupied with being polite). The coach would even walk around and give a suggestion or activity based on what we were playing with. We didn't choose to continue with gymnastics, but that doesn't mean we didn't find value in the experience. It's not to say either that I've written that off as something G won't do again. Instead, I see it as a meaningful opportunity for my toddler to be around an adult who gives directions (who is not a parent), other children around her age, different parents, and a unique and engaging environment to explore. In fact, Genevieve's love for running up and down those laminated paper rectangles reinforced my desire to try out a different activity that would better facilitate that interest and skill... soccer. 

Soccer Shots! 
For Genevieve's first Soccer Shots season we optioned for an outdoor field under a big tree near a creek (and also one of our favorite breweries). Genevieve was the only girl among six participants and was younger than most. She was just over two, and the group was for 2–3-year-olds. Genevieve was again blessed with a very sweet coach. In fact, she would always stay a bit after class, sitting under the big tree having a snack on her favorite large rock talking to "coach" who would ask her about colors and her favorite things.

Herding cats doesn't even begin to describe the chaos of trying to wrangle six toddlers in a field with little grass in the middle of an intense Texas summer... Many meltdowns, absolute refusals to participate, and water breaks filled the 30-minute practices. But to my surprise, G would sit on her soccer ball in whatever plastic ring color she chose for the day with her eyes and ears on her coach. It's not to say she'd follow the directions well (although she loved kicking the ball at home she most often just wanted to run or hit the ball with her hands at practice), but she would LISTEN to them. As I mentioned before, in gymnastics she was not about directions or group time at all, and while many other soccer players tuned out, she was one of three consistently tuning in. I believe the combination of being a bit older and having a group guided experience before helped improve her ability to focus. 

Towards the end of the season, G learned her Soccer Shots cheer and would perform it regularly and on the way to and from practice. She certainly enjoyed the running drills, and she would sob when the goals had to "go to sleep." She loved "coach" and cheering for her friends when it was time to practice kicking goals. She held hands with a three-year-old boy who helped her during one of the games and loved being outside in the fresh air. And I mean, the stickers... gotta love the stickers. 

Since Genevieve experienced one season of Soccer Shots already, and our new season would mean a new group of kids, a different coach, and a new location we wanted to prepare her for the changes. Earlier this weekend, we talked to G a about her prior season and described the changes. We often give Genevieve an overview of her day, and so we told her too how daddy would cook breakfast at home before and how we'd go to Lion Park after her class. This is actually a method I use ahead of doctor appointments--both her general and cardiology appointments. I find this practice helps her relax and understand what to expect. After we told her about her new Soccer Shots, she was excited and ready to go! 

Her new coach was very nice, there were three other toddlers (one of whom was a girl) and the indoor turf and AC were welcomed improvements. While Genevieve saw and really wanted to play with the yoga balls, she left them alone and kept decent attention throughout. When Genevieve needs a break, she often asks to use the potty. She asked twice to go but did not need to pee either time. I truly think she just needed a break and enjoys the one-on-one parent time when she's a bit over stimulated or bored. While this can be frustrating, Andrew and I take turns and balance taking her and asking her to hold it. She was moderately interested in the activities but said and signed "more horse!" for the drill that involved sprinting (no surprise). She had to hug the nets as the coach's assistant put them away, and I am looking forward to watching her participation in the weeks to come. 

I can't know what struggles Genevieve will have, joys she'll find, or skills she'll gain. But I know that Soccer Shots is an opportunity for Genevieve to explore and experience a little bit more of the vast world around her. She's two, so I am not trying to make her a soccer star or dreaming about a scholarship or Olympic medal. Instead, I am focusing on this tiny little human and helping her find confidence, growth, and fun in the safe and wonderful community she's a part of right now. Structured activities shouldn't predominate the lives of our toddlers, after all, at this stage of development, free and unstructured play is king. But there is certainly a place for these activities. One thing I know for certain is that while I never care what Genevieve is a part of, as a parent I will always require her to participate in something. I can't--and don't want to--choose what that is, but I certainly want to afford her myriad opportunities to uncover where she finds passion, joy, and fulfillment. 

Around the time G was 18 months, I sought recommendations for potty training resources. I assumed this was well before we'd tackle the milestone and figured it would give me time to read and digest the information ahead of getting started. I ordered the book that came with the greatest number of positive reviews--Jamie Glowacki's Oh Crap! Potty Training and tucked it away. A sweet neighbor reached out and gave me her kiddos' mini potty and stepstool-potty-seat cover. I kept the mini potty out and in our bathroom. Genevieve would sit on it and pretend to pee. 

Fast forward to the month before Genevieve's 2nd birthday, and I started listening to the companion podcast from author Jamie G. and had the realization, "Oh crap, Genevieve is showing multiple signs of capability." The author noted that the term "ready" is less effective than "capable" because when it comes to making a big jump (for us or our kiddos) we rarely feel fully *ready. * I realized that AND that I made a capital mistake ahead of potty training: keeping the mini potty out for her to "get used to." I put the potty up until we were going to begin, and I thought it was another good sign that G wanted to know where it went. I didn't judge my mistake, but simply pivoted based on the recommendation of the expert whose advice I was following. 

After binging several podcast episodes, I started on the audiobook Oh Crap! Potty Training. As someone who uses nap time to get a lot of chores done, this mode of taking in the information was easiest. Though I really liked having the physical book to use as a reference for timelines and to scan for trouble shooting a specific problem. The author suggested setting a date on the calendar to begin potty training if your child was showing signs of capability. I set ours for the Tuesday after G's second birthday (that Monday she had a doctor's appointment, so I wanted to wait for a totally normal day). Though as I read, I couldn't help but feel that Genevieve and I were ready now. I decided instead to start May 1st. Though I had to move our start date one day because Genevieve was getting her molars and was uncomfortable and dealing with a fever. Once her fever subsided, we were full steam ahead. 

[Setting Up] 
I mentioned that Genevieve was showing signs of capability, what do I mean by that? Well, she was interested in my business in the bathroom for starters. Because I flubbed and had the mini potty out ahead of potty training, she enjoyed sitting (or sometimes playing) on the potty. About one week ahead of us starting the potty-training process, she would go to the potty with a dry diaper on and pee in her diaper while sitting on the potty. G has always been an efficient and regular pooper. Each day she would poop once while standing and then immediately go to her changing table for you to take care of it. Some naps and nights she would wake dry and relieve herself while she was having a book read to her. These actions indicated that she was ready to be supported through the potty-training milestone. 

​

Dear G, 

While I am technically writing this two months after you turned twenty-four months, I figure better late than never. In your second year of life, you learned to walk, which quickly turned into incessant running. You especially enjoy pushing all-the-things (pop-pop, your pushcart, and even your pal Declan). You may have been late to the game on your feet, but your coordination and speed are impressive. Your hair has grown so much as well. You were still fairly bald when you turned one, and you loved your headband bows. But now your hair has the sweetest curls, and you enjoy rocking pigtail clip-in bows. In the winter you’d wake up and ask for “bows and socks.” 

You found your voice and so many words this year, too. Helicopter, hotdog, and narwal are a few of the funniest sounding words you would say. But your absolute favorite words were outside, go, and no. Your favorite place to be was outside. We spent so much time in the fresh air, regardless of the season or weather. We went for daily runs together, too. You’d ask to “run, run, run” and grab my sweat rag out of the drawer and find my running shoes and bring them to me. The “wa wa table,” your shopping cart, and any ball to kick. You ran in the Jeramiah’s Spring Leap a second year in a row and enjoyed every minute of the 5K. We placed 15th overall and 2nd in my age group. 

A favorite moment for dadda and I was giving you your bounce house while Pawpaw, Aunt Hailey, and Aunt Dakota were visiting. We love giving you an environment that brings you so much joy and freedom to explore and grow. Remember, life isn’t about the stuff; but investing in resources and experiences that add value to your life are worth every penny. You also really enjoy your "standy stand" and rocker. 

You went to the Dallas Aquarium with your cousin Jackson and loved the foliage more than the animals and fish. In fact, you go out of your way to hug any tree you see. At the Austin Zoo we saw SO MANY peacocks with flared feathers. You again preferred finding trees to hug than the lion and bear who were pacing inches from your face. You enjoyed your first tumbling class with Avery in March, learning how to do somersaults and running around wild and free.

You are a social butterfly and have the sweetest little friends in the neighborhood. You point out all their houses while on walks. You share very well and are typically so gentle. You actually bring me your toy phone to “plan playdates” and nod and say, “yeah yeah!” as I pretend to schedule them. You love playing independently, reading books, bubbles, and chalk. You are great at using all eating utensils and pouring into and drinking from an open cup.

Some of your favorite foods were yogurt smoothies, dadda’s lemon turmeric rice, and pineapple. Though, you go through waves of enjoying salmon, avocado, and red sauce. Any time you see dadda or I with a drink that isn’t water you want to do a family cheer and your word for “cheers” sounds so cute and funny. 

You showed many signs of capability to potty train ahead of turning 2, and you rocked that process. Just like breastfeeding, you had no problem going 100% diaper-free for day and night. I remember feeling a pang of sadness that I wouldn’t see your little diaper butt ever again, but reminded myself that we will experience so many firsts and lasts together over the course of our lives. I am grateful to be beside you in transitions and my heart is full from getting to be connected to you in life. I could choose to dwell in the sadness but instead focus on appreciating the preciousness of this present.  

In each letter I include a poem you’ve inspired me to write. I wrote this one when you were around 18 months old. 

Within
But do you know what happens in me, 
When you laugh, wiggle, and are wild and free?


Even when you cry or put up a fight, 
I simply see your dynamic power and might. 

A day doesn’t pass without abundant joy, 
The world around you is one giant toy. 

A present reminder to keep to the moment.
So later in life I'm not resigned to atonement. 

I’m here with you, where you are today.
As you navigate each stage in your own way. 

But do you know what happens in me, 
As I see the unique person you’re coming to be? 

I cannot define it or even begin.
But I hope, my dear child, you feel it within.

Love,
Mama 

P.S. It's fun to sign with the name you actually call me. 

The compulsion to ensure your little one is eating (add in stress about enough, quality of ingredients, and balance of macronutrients) runs deep for parents. I think about my own mom, and when we visit even as adults, the first thing she wants to do is fill your belly (and heart) with an old favorite, like stuffed bell peppers and peanut butter brownies. Moms just want to make sure you’re “okay” and being fed tops the list of that word’s sub context.  

As a baby, Genevieve guzzled breastmilk. When we introduced solids at six months (beginning with purees) she ate anything and everything offered to her. When we began offering small chunks of food, she was mostly accepting of them too (though sometimes she’d decide on looks alone that certain finger foods were for the dogs and toss them over). It wasn’t until fifteen months that we experienced a real shift in Genevive’s eating. 

Prior to 15 months, Genevieve’s favorite tried-and-true favorites were eggs, sweet potato, and avocado. But that changed; still, at 20 months, she doesn't dig them. I will periodically attempt to offer them, usually changing the form (like using mashed avocado as a toast topper or dip for something) but her evolving palate is still disinterested. Similarly, I can offer her something for lunch that she eats ravenously, but if I offer it again at dinner or the next day, she won’t even touch it. When you buy the ingredients (insert markup for organic everything plus inflation), prepare the meal, do all the dishes, and expect to have meals “ready to go” and they refuse, your little one's stomach may be empty, but frustration fills yours. 

The first time I ever worried Genevieve wasn’t eating enough was at 15 months. She took a mega strike and showed her first ever weight loss between appointments (however this was NOT a loss from her 12-month appointment to her 15-month appointment with her primary doctor. This was a loss from her cardiology appointment to her 15-month appointment two weeks apart). It wasn’t even a substantial loss, and my doctor wasn’t worried, but my mama mind was. 

I remember reading in my baby cookbook that around “12 to 18 months of age, children hit a phase called food neophobia. The theory behind why this phase occurs is that as the child starts walking, they could wander outside and pick something poisonous off the ground. To coincide with this newfound freedom, they develop a newfound fear of foods” (Lvova, 2020). Genevieve took her first steps just after turning 15 months, and really began walking steadily at 18 months. So, I found comfort in this theory, and more easily accepted this shift. A phrase in one of G’s favorite read aloud books, We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, came to mind: and I reminded myself “We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, oh no we have to go through it!” 

[Interventions During Strikes] 
Of utmost importance, I needed to start by getting a handle on my own feelings and actions. As a parent, I want to not only model a healthy relationship with food to Genevieve, but also help her bolster one. Genevieve would cry and throw a fit if you tried to put food into her mouth, however IF she ate a bite, usually she would end up eating the remainder of the serving. This frustrated Andrew and me. However, we didn’t want to force feed G because this felt out of alignment with our value to allow HER the right to determine what and how much goes into her body.

I knew for a time, I needed to let go of my attachment to her eating a perfectly rounded meal and embrace Genevieve’s preferences. Don’t get me wrong, I still offered her a balanced plate, but if literally all of her veggie-fortified pasta and cauliflower chicken nuggets went to the dogs, I tried my best to remain neutral. During this time, I relied more heavily on squeezy packs from Aldi (our preferred baby food for G... great quality and price). At this point, Geneieve MAYBE had one “squeezy” (as we call them) per day. But during this strike, I would begrudgingly give her an additional one or two per day as a snack or with dinner when she really wasn’t eating much else. I think the container was fun for Genevieve to eat from. I remember my mom brain guilting me with thoughts like if you do this, she will ONLY eat squeezies, or you’re being TOO permissive. She NEEDS to just eat what’s offered or go hungry and then she will eat. I shook off those thoughts and am happy to say that G came through that phase, and I could cut back the squeezy offering without issue. 

Teething also played a role into the equation. G has 16 teeth at 20 months of age, and the second food strike also coincided with her molars breaking through. During this time, I was more permissive with snacking. I would offer her peanut butter toast, hummus and crackers, various types of puffs, and grain and fruit bars. While I am sure someone could point out that this could have curbed her mealtime appetite, it worked for us, and she didn’t become averse to meals from this temporary lapse in more abundant snacking. 

During this time, I would also not force staying in the highchair. If Genevieve said, “all done” and meant it, the mealtime was over. Case closed. I add the phrase “and meant it” because I would try several interventions before calling it quits for most meals. However, if she became visibly frustrated or emotional, we were in fact “all done.” 

I had to shake off the amount of time planning, prepping, and cleaning up I would do during this time. Not to mention the food waste. If I offer any advice to parents in general about the parenting stage of toddlers, it's that efficiency (of resources and time) is NOT the priority. There is peace in simply accepting that explicitly. 

Some interventions I tried that really worked for us were as follows: 

• Dipping: Geneieve might refuse a chicken nugget. However, if I gave her some red pepper hummus or a little cup of organic ketchup to dip it in using her finger or fork, she’d usually take a bite. 
• Appetizer: Eating begets eating. So, I would offer G a favorite snack while I prepped her meal to get her munching. Usually, a couple veggie straws or zesty garden puffs. 
• Neutral Offering Response: I would load a fork or put pieces of something on her tray without saying anything. I would also look away while she brought it to her nose or lips to explore. I did this because if I watched her, she’d lick it and look to me gauge my reaction. Minimizing eye contact (but watching from the corner of my eye) reduces pressure or any attempt on G’s part of feeling like I am trying to get her to do something–the will of toddlers I'll tell ya… 
• Reheat: Sometimes, especially with pasta or meat, if the item was sitting for too long and got too cold, she wouldn’t want it. But popping it back in the microwave for ten seconds would occasionally work to get her to continue eating. 
• Switching utensils or how the food is offered: Genevieve has been comfortable with a fork and spoon since she was 12-15 months old. Sometimes I will even grab an adult spoon or fork and the switch up is something she enjoys. Sometimes I “load” the utensil for her, other times I put some bites on her tray and then let her “poke” or “scoop” from the bowl herself. Other times I may switch all together and offer her a hunk to bite from (like an open-face turkey and cheese sandwich or a waffle). I do this dance throughout the meal and just try offering the same items in different ways. One day for instance Andrew told me while feeding G a breakfast waffle that she was done after eating ⅓ of it. I gave her the fork and combined that with her dipping into syrup and she ate the ENTIRE waffle. He was shocked, but truly sometimes just offering the same thing with a twist can be just enough to motivate them. 
• G Feed Me: This works pretty well. I will admit, sometimes I do not want to eat what she’s eating but letting her put some food into my mouth does the trick. I don’t make a big show at how yummy it is, I just open, bite, chew, and nod. She gets a kick out of it and usually follows up with taking another bite herself. Sometimes too I will grab a piece of food and take a bite and she almost incredulously is like “Hey, that’s mine!” and opens wide. 
• Parent Switch: Andrew and I found this one incidentally. We would take turns feeding G dinner or eating ourselves. If one of us finished first, we would take over feeding Genevieve. It would almost reinvigorate her appetite and while the first feeder thought she was almost done, she’d surprise us by eating substantially more with greater gusto. Maybe too the social impact of the other parent eating with her played a role as well. This strategy of course is contingent on the condition of both parents being home. 

Sickness can play a role in what your toddler is willing to eat, too. For instance, Genevieve typically loves cows milk. However, after her recent illness, shes still really disinterested (and I would actually go as far to say disgusted) by milk. We have attempted in many different containers, times of day, and even brought out the big guns (chocolate milk). Yet all attempts have fallen flat. I believe this is related to Genevieve’s phlegm and am hopeful she’ll resume her normal intake soon. Yesterday we even attempted to introduce almond milk. She accepted a few sips, but still seems to be disgusted by milk. In the meantime, I try to increase dairy intake with cheese and Greek yogurt for calcium and vitamin D. 

Genevieve really enjoys a variety of food. But she doesn’t enjoy them consistently. I rotate tried-and-true recipes, experiment with new ones (always having "safe foods" on the plate) and offer her portions of the daily dinners we have for us. Safe foods are those that have been introduced before and are items she typically enjoys filling up on.  I prepare and keep some things in the freezer I know she often eats (homemade chicken nuggets, veggie fortified marinara sauce, and egg & cheese quesadillas). 

Food is fuel, and I want Genevieve to learn that a balanced meal includes protein (typically lean-meat based), a complex carb (bread, rice, potato, noodle), fat (olive oil from cooking, nut butters, butter, cheese) and veggie. We pepper in fruits as well, though Genevieve is prone to diaper rash from them. Turkey lunch meat, pork sausage, and salmon are her current favorite proteins. I just introduced tuna to her (a part of my daily lunch), and she enjoyed it. I usually have a container in the fridge of whole wheat noodles and add some type of sauce (she’s been loving pesto lately). I use whole wheat toast with hummus or peanut butter or make an open face melt with shredded cheese and lunch meat. Her daily smoothie is an excellent source of nutrition and something she enjoys, too. Geneieve is also a great hydrator. We model drinking water throughout the day, and she loves sipping from our cups and always has a water bottle within reach. We find when she fills up on good protein, she hydrates and sleeps best. 

[Meal Schedule] 
I do not (nor strive to) keep a strict routine. However, I find that feeding with a rhythm helps keep Genevieve in a good mood, sleep well, poop regularly, and gives me a sense of predictability (which helps me make plans or facilitate chores or errands). Since Genevieve was a baby, I kept to the advice that its best to break a fast upon waking (rather than when falling asleep). Of course, there were times when G needed a bottle or breast feeding ahead of falling asleep (teething or while in a leap). However, I always offered milk upon waking and when we introduced food, I implemented the same strategy. 

I will share a typical day below and add a general time, for example's sake. Genevieve will typically keep to this flow of day based on her wake window. However, the time will vary based on when she begins her day. 

7:30 am: Wake and drink 6 oz of milk in sippy straw cup (she’s in her crib while I vacuum) 
8:30 am:  Eat breakfast (one hour or so after milk)
10:30 am: Snack 1 (usually outside)
12:30- 3:30 pm: NAP 
3:45 pm: Eat lunch
4:30 pm: Snack 2 
5:30 pm: Dinner 
6:30 pm: Sippy with 6 oz of milk 
7 pm: Brush teeth, say goodnight, fall asleep independently in crib (usually 30 minutes later)

I am deliberate that I do not give G more than 6 oz of cow's milk per bottle because our pediatrician expressed too much can lead to iron deficiency and that 16 oz is the max per day. This allows me to fall under that threshold and keeps room for yogurt, cheese, and dairy foods throughout the day. In the baby food book I use, it recommends offering 2 oz of milk with meals and snacks. However, the two 6-oz bottles have worked for us where G enjoys them, digests them well, and sleeps through the night (so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it).

I literally enter her room with the vacuum in the morning and her milk to break her fast. When G has her bedtime milk, she usually has about 30 more minutes of silly play time in her before she herself wants to go to bed. I will offer her a couple graham crackers or an occasional special cookie (currently enjoying her first Girl Scout cookie season and thin mints). The other night she ate her thin mint and signed for more. I expressed she could only have one tonight and that she could have another tomorrow. She held a furrowed brow before accepting this and moving back into play. She might want more, but this is where my role as parent comes in to teach her the importance of eating within a reasonable serving size. And giving her "sugar" before bedtime doesn't negatively impact her sleep or mood... she consistently sleeps through the night AND if she rouses self-soothes. 

Typically, it's about an hour after being awake that I give G solid breakfast. This seems far enough away from milk that she eats well but not too far where she gets hangry. Right now, G’s typical breakfast includes an Aldi squeezy that contains fruit, oats, and flaxseed, bell peppers, and either a whole wheat waffle with syrup or 2 mini sausage biscuits. I will ask G to select her squeezy and if she wants a waffle or biscuit. I believe choice is good, but I also know at this stage open-ended choice is too overwhelming. Two options help your little feel like they are weighing in without the action weighing too much on them. 

For lunch, I always offer G a smoothie (containing banana, Greek yogurt, milk, peanut butter, spinach or kale, and mixed fruit). I prepare this every other day during her nap. In addition to this, I offer either a turkey and cheese open face melt or an egg and cheese quesadilla. Though she’s also really liking cheese and turkey cold right now.  I always include hummus (original or red pepper mini containers I split across 2 days). I offer mixed veggies (I get a frozen mix with peas, corn, and carrots) and either crackers or veggie straws for dipping. 

Dinner varies based on what we’ve prepared for dinner. We may offer tikka masala or Cajun chicken pasta, a burger with cheese on a brioche bun, or a salmon, lemon turmeric rice, and broccoli bowl. I always have chicken nuggets and veggie marinara servings in the freezer I make homemade. She also really enjoys American cheese melted over a piece of toast or pesto pasta. I offer the same veggie mix as lunch or more bell peppers. I may also offer an orange, pineapple, or other fruit that we have on hand that week.  

Our snacks vary. I love using fruit and grain bars for Genevieve. I always have at least two varieties to offer. Typically, I give her a fruit and grain bar for her first snack because it follows our morning run together. I pack it in the stroller and while I drink water and catch my breath, she runs around the front and eats her snack. Our second snack in the afternoon is occasionally a squeezy pouch (usually one with fruit and veggies mixed), a piece of peanut butter toast, tomato basil or veggie puff, or something else I have on hand that she says yes to when I offer. I am not locked in to only two snacks, but typically that’s how it shakes out. During certain times like sickness, food strikes, or growth spurts I offer and allow more snacks and flow with what I perceive she needs and what she expresses she needs. 

In my diaper bag I always pack snacks in case we are out, and she wants something. We also enjoy spontaneity of letting her try new foods while we are out, but I have never regretted having extra safe foods on hand while we are out. I keep: 

• One granola bar (vanilla chip from Aldi… also a great snack if I need one) 
• One fruit and grain bar 
• One fruit and veggie squeezy 
• One meat protein + savory squeezy 
• Freshly filled water cup 
• A purple airtight silicone container I load before we go with puffs, animal crackers or regular crackers 
• A little silicon self-serving cup (the one where she can independently put her hand in to get the treat but not spill it everywhere at once) that is empty. I will add a small amount from the purple container into this cup if she’s irritable–especially helpful at the checkout at the grocery store. 

…​

If you’re reading this because you are currently navigating feeding a toddler or because you’re curious about what’s on the horizon, I hope you’ve found a nugget that you may find helpful or that my experience has allowed you to get curious about your own little one and way of doing it. The willfulness of a toddler is not something to fight during mealtimes, but rather accept. By this I DO NOT mean to accept poor behavior, but rather lean into the knowing that developmentally your toddler is learning that they are their own person with preferences and feelings. Ironically, parents get frustrated that their kids are being controlling when a parent "battling" their little is ALSO trying to maintain control. We can simply remove control from the equation by empathizing with our little person, diversifying what we offer, notice what they like, and try try TRY our best to help them eat a balanced plate. 

I love going to restaurants with Genevieve and letting her try something new (minus the time she choked at Fire Street Pizza). Food is fuel. But food is also tied to celebration, connection, and joy. I don’t want mealtimes to be miserable, but rather a place where we can laugh, sing, talk, and be together. Sure, does Genevieve running her hummus hands in her hair to ask for a bath sometimes make me cringe? Yes, yes it does. Do I ever want to shovel the food that I KNOW she likes into her mouth to get the meal going? Definitely. But do I try to remind myself that this little person has a right to what and how much goes in and to not feel shame or guilt around food waste so she can learn to trust her body’s cues for hunger and being full? YES, I really emphatically do. So, feeding your toddler may sometimes feel like you’re going on a bear hunt, but again I’ll say: “you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, but [together] you have to go through it!” 

Every year for a few years now, I write a letter to myself the week between Christmas and the new year. In this letter, I write as if the upcoming year has already occurred. I choose not to be overly specific, or to vomit out cliche or lofty goals. I am not interested in manifesting my endpoint for the year, but rather leaning into the energy that I want to ground myself in, the self-work I aspire to do, and the impact I hope to actualize. I always have a P.S. that is my chosen word for that year. 

Each Christmas I get my new agenda for the upcoming year, and once my letter is complete, I copy my letter into the front page of the upcoming year's planner. I will find myself checking in on the letter every so often as the year progresses, I especially like to do this in June (halfway point in the year), On August 6th (my birthday), at the end of the year (where I also read my letter to Andrew). I also return to this letter when I'm going through a particularly challenging time and need realignment, or when celebrating a big win. I find myself always pleasantly surprised by the accuracy the letter holds at years end. I know some who do this exercise, and they write and only read it at year's end (some even mailing it to themselves in a sealed envelope). For me, I find so much value in referencing these words as I experience the actual year as it unfolds. 

I want to share my letter for the year that just passed, 2022 (that I wrote at the end of 2021) and detail my process for writing. Neither the specifics of the letter, structure, or process may all resonate with you (though it might). More than anything, I want to share my actual letter and process as an example to spark your own curiosity for what this type of activity could add to your own experience for the year ahead. 

2022 Letter to Self
(Written at year's end 2021)
Dear Kelly, 
While 2020 felt disrupted and chaotic (both in the world and internally) you grounded yourself in 2021. You became a mother, cleared space, and found peace. in 2022 you found your stride and learned how to channel your energy deliberately, without gassing yourself, and with greater power.

You made choices instead of reacting and operated more from a place of love, non-attachment, and acceptance. You had more fun (as defined by you) and opened your heart. When you made a mistake, you simply chose to pivot and move forward--albeit in a different direction sometimes. You practiced overcoming your anxiety, guilt, and shame. You let go of negative beliefs you carried for too long. You now know and realize your emotions and thoughts are not your identity and can be acknowledged without internalizing them. 

You have forged more meaningful relationships and your 'hobbies' genuinely enrich your life. Your days with Genevieve flow. You balance routine and novelty daily, and there are so many smiles and giggles. You are so present and intentional, and Andrew, Genevieve, and the dogs can feel it. You are continuing on the right path. You are surrendering, letting go, and giving effort all while not striving. You are where you need to be. You are doing what you ought to be doing. And 2023 will hold so many gifts and insights. You can now add more to the foundation and structures you've crafted. 

You believed in yourself, your 'goals' and had a greater impact than you ever could have imagined or planned. 

Cheers, 
Kelly 

P.S. Believe 

My Letter Writing Process
I do not believe in forcing this kind of letter. Meaning, I don't schedule a specific time on a specific day to hammer it out. Personally, I work best with brainstorming, reflecting, and drafting this piece over a few days or weeks. Since I have done this for a few years, I typically start thinking about my next letter around Thanksgiving. The energy of that holiday and reflecting on what I am grateful for naturally lends itself to such consideration. I don't typically write anything down, but I start to keep that noticing at the forefront of my mind. I may hear or read a quote that resonates, consider a challenge I am currently experiencing, or any other noticing that may benefit my attention in the coming year. 

I keep a regular daily journal, and if on a specific day I write something I believe I want to reference later, I highlight the passage or page so I can guide myself back when the time comes. I am also in a monthly women's mastermind group, and ahead of our December call (which is a reflection on our year) I brainstorm positive and negative acknowledgments that I want to carry or work on overcoming to include in the next year's letter. I write this in the "notes" section at the back of my agenda and use these notes when I draft my letter. 

I always "schedule" time to write or brainstorm my letter for the week between Christmas and the New Year's holiday. Though this year, I haven't yet written in my letter to my new agenda just yet. I completed my drafted letter earlier this week and will do one final read through with edits before copying it by hand with a pen into my 2023 agenda. I like pen because I don't want to adjust my letter. I am not looking for my letter to be a perfect reflection of what the year holds. In fact, I find as much value in a chunk that doesn't happen as I do when something aligns. I can appreciate that "it just wasn't the time for THAT" or carry that concept forward to the next year, or maybe even abandon it all together. This type of exercise isn't meant to make you feel bad or constrained, its merely a guiding light that can intentionally carry you forward (with permission to winging it when necessary). We can't ever predict (or control) the future, so shackling yourself to the words you wrote in the past bears no fruit. 

My first draft is always crafted on a note in my phone. When I consider why I choose this over a computer or paper, this is because I can quickly delete and type out what I want to say. I refer back to my notes, though typically just the act of writing them previously is enough for me to recall and write them in. If they 'stuck' that means it's probably something I am meant to include and if I forgot, it isn't (or at least that's how I hold it).

I then let this draft rest, like bread dough. I come back to it within a day or a few. Then I read it, edit it, refer back to notes and omit or add anything to my draft. Finally, I take my time copying it into the first page of my agenda, usually where there is a section for writing your goals and aspirations for the year. It always brings a smile to my face, because I love that I DO NOT write specific goals here. Instead, my specific goals are chosen as the year progresses and I feel as though they align with the message between the lines of this letter. I like to think of the quote that "the details don't matter; it's how someone makes you feel that matters." When I look back on the year (or zoom out to my life as a whole) I won't care we took second in our age group for a 10K race (fun as it was) as much as I'll appreciate how it felt every day when Genevieve and I ran together. But how it feels to appreciate the clouds, birds, and G's wiggles to her favorite songs (the girl loves jock jams), fills my soul in a powerful way. Life, as we experience it, is a feeling, not a laundry list of accomplishments. And my letter always helps me align to that. 

My P.S. is always one word that serves as a beacon for that year. This sometimes comes before the letter, and other times after. I can't remember, but I am pretty sure "Believe" came after my 2022 letter. I totally chose to take the energy from my 'happy show' Ted Lasso, and even made a little "Believe" sign that I placed at the top of the entry way into my bathroom. I laugh because the font is totally off and while it bothers me, I use that as a reminder that something doesn't need to be perfect to be impactful. When this word pops out at me in a book, a quote, or a piece of decor (like my front Christmas sign by my tree that said "Believe in the Magic of Christmas") I consider whatever it is and find it helps me realign to the energy of my letter (even without re-reading it in that moment). This letter isn't about the specific words; what matters is how I felt writing it, the positive energy I have realigning to it, and reflecting on it at year's end. 

So, if you choose to write a letter like this, do not simply copy my process (or get frustrated if your process doesn't look like mine). Same goes for the letter. Maybe yours is shorter, is a bulleted list, or maybe you just use one word, a phrase, a quote. The WHAT doesn't matter, the HOW you hold it (and carry it through the year) does. While 2023 has already officially started and you're reading this now, so what? Draft your letter in February. Or maybe hold this exercise until after the summer and before the new school year starts. Or just begin today. There are no rules. Structures shouldn't suffocate us; be open and act from a place of resonance. 

How I Hold It 
In this section I want to shed light on how my letter aligns to my actual experience of 2022. When I re-read my letter at year's end this time around, I genuinely felt a swell of pride fill my chest. As I read, little moments, memories, or acknowledgements appear and disappear like bubbles in the air. Occasionally too does a reminder of how I didn't do "THAT" perfectly (for example over-reacting to a scary situation in the car while Andrew was driving... definitely not 'responsive' but reactive). But I learned to not judge myself too harshly for the work I still need to do. In fact, I simply try to file that in the "still working on it" folder and move on. If we nitpicked every single moment of our year that we weren't 'perfect' we'd be wasting so much time and energy. At the same time, acknowledging them and facing them without shame or guilt is important too. Then I can more easily recall the ways in which I WAS responsive over reactive and appreciate the growth in that aspect of my personality. For example, I received a text about me on accident from someone in my husband's family, and while this did put a damper on my evening, I was able to construct a response, not hold guilt for myself nor permissiveness for this person's emotional appeals and most importantly I let it go (and slept well that night, which normally would not happen with something like this). 

I can look at the projects that have enriched my life, and some that I thought would, but they didn't pan out. While I had the intention to keep my blog posts regular last year, I also agreed to ghost write a blog for an author with a story I believe needs to be told to the world. I put a bookmark in my personal work, allowing my ideas and thoughts to simmer while I focused on weekly posts for that blog. In reflection, I knew in 2023 I wanted to resume writing for myself as well, but I didn't want to take away from time with G, my family, or other areas of my life. So, I renegotiated that agreement going forward (cutting back not cutting it out entirely). Early last year I took on another project with a life coach, but the arrangement wasn't as fulfilling as I thought it would be, so this is an example where I chose to pivot in that "different direction." 

I believe my focus on building a stable foundation really helped me move into 2023 with a dynamic energy. In 2022 I worked to establish routines and habits that fueled my tank, and how to fit them in our rhythm of day. An at-home yoga flow routine, meditation, daily runs with Genevieve, connection time with friends or phone calls with some of my favorite people, nuclear family time, and writings/reading/leadership projects occupy my energy in the best way. This year I plan to really build upon the foundation I have established and believe (oh hey word of 2022) I can do so without letting those foundational details fall to the wayside. 

I am most proud about my flow of days with Genevieve and the genuine peace in my home. I do not keep a strict routine with G, I prefer to refer to it as a "rhythm of day." And with a 20-month-old child, I know that as soon as we have a good hold on what that rhythm is, it is changing again. We run 3-miles + together every morning, walk the dogs 2+ times a day, play outside whenever the weather permits it, pepper in playdates and errands, and keep quality nuclear family time during evenings and weekends. Genevieve is a great sleeper--nearly never waking us in the night--eater, and a happy little dynamo. I have leaned into flowing with that. I don't worry if she wakes early for the day, we just shift our routine to fit that wakeful flow. Our schedule is light during this stage of G's life, and I believe our entire family is benefiting from that choice. Our lives won't be at this slower, lighter stage forever and we are embracing it for what it is right now. 

When I read the passage "you are giving effort without striving" I immediately think about running. I started running with G in January of 2022 and completed a 10K with her at the end of March. I never run for time, I notice time on my watch, but I do not attach to my speed. When I run with G or a solo run when Andrew is home to watch her, I simply say "I am going for a run." I know I will at least do 3 miles, but if G or my body feel like going further, we do. I do not have any races or specific goals in my mind. I simply run every day because I ENJOY it. I love that G and I both get outside and fresh air and natural light early in the morning. Regardless of the weather, we make it work (barring super extremes of course). I've naturally built up to running 10 miles for my long runs (and with the exclusion of Christmas) every long run in the month of December has been a 10-mile run. This year I could really appreciate growth through being with my doing, and not trying to force it with strict and specific goals. I am someone who can dial in with a specific goal, but 2022 was a practice in challenging myself to find consistency and maintainability. I may not have a medal to show for it, but I sure as hell wouldn't trade THAT win for anything. 

...


So, if you feel compelled to write a letter to yourself, choose a word, or use a quote as a guiding light: I challenge you to do it. Write it down and put it somewhere you can find it again. Be curious about how it can inspire, challenge, guide you. Maybe it will actually fall totally flat--and then you can realize that sometimes what we THINK we want for ourselves, is actually not what is right for us. Tools like this are not good or bad--they are simply tools. How we hold them, carry them, and apply them is what matters. This week, I stumbled upon a quote in a book given to me by my Mastermind secret Santa that resonates with the life I am building (and utilizes my 2022 and 2023 word of the year so naturally I perked up and wrote it down). I will end with this, for it emanates the energy I am continuing to bring to the life I am living as a recovering perfectionist: 
"Trusting is better than knowing. courage is found in believing."

​May 2023 be a wonderful year, and may you find a little bit more of the true self inside of you. 

A literal weight being removed from my body--that is the genuine feeling I had when Genevieve's pediatric cardiologist told us that Genevieve's VSD heart murmur has continued to tighten and is trending to close entirely on its own. While I do not let myself perseverate on the worst-care-scenario-what-if's related to her congenital heart defect, I feel great relief hearing that Genevieve's ticker is continuing to develop as well as she has. 

I can still remember the extreme dread I felt when a doctor checked Genevieve at our lactation consultation ten days postpartum and told us she noticed a "significant murmur." At our two-week checkup, our doctor confirmed the murmur and referred us to cardiology. Two decisions kept me sane during that time. The first was holding the news and not sharing it broadly. All of this was difficult for us to digest, and we knew we needed to learn more for ourselves and not let this dominate our fourth trimester. While we are sure our loved ones would have brought good intentions, their own fears, anxieties, and research would have only brought negativity and attention to the topic, and we chose to safeguard ourselves. Second, we did not research or become experts on her condition once we learned the more concerning murmur was a VSD. We instead relied on the direct feedback of Genvieve's doctors and her specific case. I am still so grateful for Genevieve's cardiologist, Doctor Banker of Baylor Scott and White, who did not lead with fear or worst-case scenarios, but rather gave us hope and realistic expectations at each appointment. He was thorough, communicative, and caring. We knew the scary signs we needed to look for, took extra care in keeping Genevieve safe from the risk of illnesses, and enjoyed each day without focusing on something being "wrong" with a vital organ. 

At every cardiology appointment, they ask a few general questions to gauge how everything has been going since the last appointment (which was when Genevieve was 7 months old). A few of the questions are: "Does your baby get tired quickly when playing?" "Does your baby struggle while eating?" "Has their lips turned blue?" "Do you notice difficulty breathing?" The only difficulty in breathing came from myself listening to these questions (though I also feel a deep appreciation that my answer is no to the aforementioned quiz). Hearing these questions is a somber reminder that our experience could be so different if Genevieve's murmur was a bit bigger, was a little lower, or if her rate of growth was more stagnant (thank goodness she has always been a voracious eater). I mention this, because it reminds me the peace, I established from not over-thinking Genevieve's diagnosis. Instead, I focused on the fact that we have the HAPPIEST baby, who is social, hilarious, a great sleeper, incredibly active, and just all-around amazing. Yes, having a VSD could theoretically come with open heart surgery, activity restrictions, or heart failure medications--but for us it did not. In an ideal world, G's heart would have nothing obstructed, but that isn't our reality, so instead we focus on the fact that she was continuing to develop beautifully (this is literally the adjective every doctor has used to describe her growth pattern). 

Normally, a VSD would require an annual checkup now that G is over twelve months old; however, since Genevieve's murmur is trending to close on its own, we have a green light to schedule our next appointment two years from now. Doctor Banker said if the VSD closes entirely (something he believe is possible at the next scan when Genevieve is around three-and-a-half-years old) then we would no longer need to monitor Genevieve's heart. Typing the previous statement brings tears to my eyes, of relief and joy. 

Prior to becoming pregnant, I have always been someone that holds onto that worst case scenario. Historically, I felt safer if I "knew" what was going to happen by running the scenarios in my mind and playing out my responses. I am proud to say I did a lot of self-work around this tendency. All I could see was my beautiful, adorable baby with no indicative signs of heart failure. I chose to keep seeing that. I journaled my fears, I gave myself space to feel my emotions, cry, disassociate before processing, or sleep--usually leading up to or just after appointments. I asked her doctors questions to understand, chose not to bring up her VSD in conversation very often, and would vent and listen to Andrew. You may read this paragraph and say "well, yeah... you just said your kid has been fine, not shown symptoms and the hole will close on its own... why are you overreacting?" But while we were going through it--I did not know that. I did not know if Genevieve would go into heart failure while sleeping as a newborn. I did not know if we would need to schedule open heart surgery. The very idea that my daughter may never learn the joy of sprinting due to activity restriction broke my heart. So yes, I know now that I didn't need to worry or hold that worst case scenario shit at the forefront of my postpartum experience--and while my mind occasionally went there--I made deliberate choices not to live there, and I am so grateful for that.   

When you see the picture below, you see Genevieve looking with a grin at a distraction. But it makes me remember her appointment the week of my birthday last year, when she had her third scan and I just wished that I could take it all away from her, that the only birthday wish I had was for her not to need to experience this and for her to be okay. When I look at this picture, I think about how difficult this scan at fourteen months was today because she did not want to be held down--how we played Baby Shark, showed her pictures of herself, played with toys, had her gurgle water, and how tired she was of being touched, poked, and prodded. But mostly when I look at this picture, I just see this incredible little person whose heart is absolutely perfect--regardless of any 'defect.' If you're reading this, I hope if you are facing something scary and out of your control (just remember everything truly is out of our hands) that you carry hope at the helm and stow away pessimism and anxiety because they do nothing but steal joy from your reality. 

At the grocery store yesterday, I was carded purchasing beer and wine. When I showed the clerk my id I jokingly said, "tomorrow will make ten years that I've been 21." She wished me a happy early birthday and shared that she had a birthday earlier this week. Within the banter of our brief conversation, she mentioned looking forward to her thirties (she just turned 22) and I couldn't help but think how much I have enjoyed my first year in this new decade. I genuinely love getting older. I feel as though each year I relax a little bit more into the person I am becoming in mind, body, and spirit. To celebrate another year around the sun, I want to simply share phases that I keep at the forefront of my mind. I thought about elaborating on them but felt simply sharing the list was more powerful. This way, as you read you can allow your own mind to wander to consider how these words uniquely resonate for you (or maybe they don't but they allow you a jumping off point to find what resonates for you). 

I chose to share 32 phrases: 31 statements but also "one to grow on" where I invite you to share a quote or phrase that you live by. And if there is something you're curious about from my list that you'd like me to explain more thoroughly or give an example of, please ask in the comments. I hope you find something from this list that inspires you or sparks your curiosity. 

Last week, Genevieve drank her last sippy cup of my frozen breastmilk supply, and like that, our near-14-month-breasfeeding journey comes to an end. I have been attempting to dry up my supply for about a month and a half (due to an extreme oversupply and proneness to mastitis, I required a slower transition). But I can happily say that I haven't pumped in over two weeks, and hopefully can just let my body do the rest of the work to dry up without intervention (in fact, I was able to get out a clog last week with a hot shower and Epsom salt haakaa and didn't need to pump). 

When I think about my emotions related to this transition, I am holding space for the hormonal disruption that I am experiencing. While I haven't pumped in two weeks, I have been dealing with incredible cramps and digestive issues since that time. I have read books about and been warned by friends that the first period postpartum is typically (though not always) brutal. Compound that with the fact that my periods are also incredibly irregular or all together non-existent and I truly have no idea what my body will do. Since my attempts to gradually pump less and less in the spring, I have also dealt with extreme tiredness and lethargy, again very likely due to my body shifting gears in this transition hormonally. I can't complain, because since having Genevieve I have had a surge of energy and hit the ground running at 4 am most days. All that to say, rather than fight my body during this change, I am leaning into it. I allowed myself to rest more and to prioritize chores and activities that energized me (or were most important). This meant instead of waking at 3-4 am, I was waking closer to Genevieve's wake up time around 7 am. While I hated losing so many productive morning hours, I knew that sleep was MORE important than other tasks and gave permission to myself to embrace that. I also prioritized yoga and running daily because both of these activities seemed to help work out clogs or lower my supply respectively. 

I remember what I PICTURED breastfeeding for a year to look like and I must say, how naive I was. I thought primarily I would nurse Genevieve and occasionally use a bottle for convenience. However, my milk supply and Genevieve's drinking style required deviations from my baseless expectations. Now that my journey has concluded I will give a brief overview of what my breastfeeding journey was like overall. I share this not because another mama will experience exactly what I did, but rather to be an example of what breastfeeding for over a year can look like when you are open and flexible to what the process actually requires. 

From Genevieve's birth to when she was five-and-a-half months, I did a combination of nursing and pumping/bottle feeding. I developed mastitis in my left breast my second week postpartum. I was incredibly ill with 104-degree fever, convulsive chills, lethargy, and pain in my breast. I needed to take antibiotics for ten days and had to pump every two hours to get out the clog. Prior to getting mastitis I had not pumped and tried to "ride out" my engorgement--which was a big mistake and likely why I developed mastitis in the first place. I abstained in order to not inflate my supply, but mastitis was much worse than an oversupply (and I developed one anyway).

The entire time I nursed I used a nipple shield. This worked fantastic and my nipples were never cracked or bothered. This required a bit more dishes/set up, but I always needed to use a haakaa during feedings because my opposite breast would let down also, so I had dishes to do anyway. I did not know that some women leak from both breasts while nursing (and also pumping) but unlucky for me, I always did. One benefit to the nipple shield was that Genevieve transitioned back and forth from bottle to breast very easily. My let down always came on quickly, so she didn't get too squirrely, and the shield actually would catch the milk and hold it so my strong let down didn't choke her. I had several mamas tell me I really needed to try to stop using the shield and felt pressure to do that. Looking back, I wish I would have ignored that feedback completely and just embraced the shield the entire time. 

Genevieve could never empty me fully. I even fed from only one breast per feed, but I was producing so much she couldn't even drain one side (and she chugged for an average of 30-45 minutes per feeding). Genevieve also had lime green poops because my oversupply created an imbalance between hindmilk and foremilk production. None of that is important except to say I would need to pump before or after feeds in order to ensure she received the appropriate type of milk to meet her nutritional needs (insert more dishes and time dedicated to the feeding process). Note for anyone reading this who may not realize this: I needed to repeat this process every two to three hours... for months. I still remember one day, maybe 6 weeks in, where Andrew looked at me and said, "I don't know how anyone could do this with a job away from home..." I say this because I truly do not know if I could have reached my goal of a year of breastfeeding if I wasn't able to stay at home and keep up with the ridiculously specific pumping/feeding schedule I had. When I needed to pump, I didn't just do it to have adequate milk for G, I physically NEEDED to pump. My boobs would become so engorged and painful and if I waited too long, I would get a horrible clog. 

Regardless of my efforts, G's poops were staying green. I was feeling very frustrated by this and had done so much research about possible interventions (for example I would shake my breasts before a feeding to "mix" the fore and hind milk inside my body). One day, when she was 5.5 months old, G started to fight attaching to the breast and was preferring bottles. Rather than fight her to stay at my breast longer, I took her lead with the transition: we quit nursing cold turkey and moved all feeds to bottles. She was happier, it was a little less work for me, and her poops gradually returned to a mustard/brown ideal color. During that time, I remember not feeling sad that I was no longer getting to connect with Genevieve through nursing. Instead, I felt grateful for those moments and memories (I am still surprised just how much I LOVED breastfeeding) and even more grateful that I could-- in that moment-- meet Genevieve where she was and give her what she wanted instead of clinging to my own feelings, desires, and emotions. By letting go, I was also letting the next phase come and giving Genevieve permission to take the metaphorical reigns. 

From 5.5 months until 12 months, I exclusively pumped. I didn't even know this was a thing until a friend told me this was how she was breastfeeding her baby when I was in my second trimester (maybe I had heard of it, but I never really thought about it until I needed to, I suppose). I would pump before G woke up, during all naps, and before I went to sleep at night. I was clocking 70+ ounces of milk A DAY (that's roughly 5 pounds of milk) and was getting up to 29 ounces during one single session (that's one and a half pounds of milk). One weird benefit to my milk production was that I never leaked in my clothes. I joke that I am a camel because I don't know how it's even possible to hold a pound and a half of milk in my body and not leak, but I never did (ok, I would wake with an occasional wet shirt after sleeping on my stomach, but that's about it).

In fact, I could not easily hand-express milk. I needed to pump or haakaa to get my milk out. I also could not put the little bra on that holds the pumps in place and multitask. No, I had to have the haakaa on one breast and then simultaneously pump the other and massage and milk myself. In my research, I learned some women have "sticky milk." I believe this is true of my own milk and took sunflower lecithin daily to help my milk flow, and it worked very well. I am SO happy to not touch, look at, or think about my stupid breasts. I literally pumped 5-6 times a day for almost 6 months, and it would take 45-60 minutes to set up, pump, and do the dishes. So literally I now have five to six hours of my day back... literally a part-time job's length of time. 

Once Genevieve turned one, I knew we were going to transition to cow's milk, and I would begin the process of drying up formally. Though I had cut my pump schedule back from 5/6 times a day to 4/5 times a day from March until May. In May, I was still producing 30-40 ounces of milk per day. At this time, I needed to begin using an eye drop that is not safe to use while breastfeeding, and so I decided to stop producing milk for G to drink and began pumping and dumping. This also allowed me to relax on my coffee consumption and resume drinking protein powders and otherwise have less caution to my intake (a welcomed respite since I had been overly cautious by choice). I had a freezer supply of milk that I continued to give Genevieve. I was able to donate some of my freezer stash to a mama who struggled with her own production, but still had plenty for Genevieve. 

While we do not keep a strict time of day schedule, we do keep a rhythm of day schedule. So, in May, after G had her 12-month checkup and with her doctor's guidance, we switched Genevieve's two most important bottles of her day to cow's milk cold turkey. She receives 6 oz upon waking and 8 oz before bed. Since we made this change Genevieve has not woken up in the middle of the night or earlier in the morning a single time (it has been WONDERFUL). She loved the cow's milk from the get-go too.  Her little body did just fine adjusting to it (a little looser stool at first but it normalized after two weeks). Then I would give G bottles of breastmilk upon waking from her two naps of the day. I liked this as a structure to promote hydration, but also, we had always fed Genevieve upon waking, rather than to fall asleep (except she would get a bottle before night sleep or if she woke in the middle of the night throughout the first year). 

During this transition to cow's milk, we also transitioned to sippy cups. Genevieve loved the weighted straw cups with a handle on each side. We first transitioned her morning nap bottle, then her second nap bottle. After we had consistent success there, we transitioned her morning waking bottle and then finally her bedtime bottle. Our doctor expressed that we should try to have her fully weaned by her 15-month checkup, but I can happily report that G was done with bottles a couple weeks after she turned twelve months. We were relaxed about the transition and Genevieve was already used to using the sippy cup with the straw because we introduced it as her water bottle when she was six months. 

So now that Genevieve is fourteen months old and I am all out of milk, our schedule looks like this: 

~7:30 am: wake for the day, 6 oz of cow's milk in a sippy cup in her crib while I vacuum 
8:30 am: solid breakfast (usually scrambled eggs and cinnamon cream of wheat with half a mashed banana)
Nap 1: usually a solid 2-3 hours 
~1:30 pm: Snack (half a fruit and grain bar with one rice rusk or veggie puffs while we read in her room)
2:30 pm: solid lunch (usually chicken, zucchini, sweet potato, StonyField yogurt, and veggie puffs)
Nap 2: usually 1-2 hours
~6 pm: Snack (half a fruit and grain bar and one rice rusk or some puffs in her room while we read to her) 
7 pm: Solid Dinner (12 grain toast, avocado, chicken, zucchini, sweet potato, shredded cheese) 
8 pm: Bedtime Bottle (8 oz of cow's milk in her sippy cup while we play lullabies and play on the couch with lights low) 
8:30-9 pm: Falls asleep unassisted in crib for the night 

After my own experience with breastfeeding, I have a newfound respect for any mother who breastfeeds for any length of time. The process is difficult, emotional, consuming, but oh so gratifying. I committed to twelve months of breastfeeding and while I had many obstacles, I know I handled it like a champ. I went into the process in the same way I commit to a bodybuilding prep. I know it's a commitment that requires months of sacrifice and dedication and many would look at circumstances and say, "why not stop then?" But I knew I could do it and I knew I would find value not only in sustaining my daughter, but also lessons for myself. For instance, one of those lessons, allowed me to continue improving my relationship with food and abstain from binging or eating too indulgently (which was a continuation from my work while pregnant and greatly assisted me as I transitioned into my postpartum body). I was able to build a sustainable maintenance diet that I could adhere to and enjoy. I am grateful for my experience, not because it was easy or perfect, but because it was mine. 

As I sit here on the morning of our anniversary typing this and enjoying my piping-hot coffee in a still house, I feel so much gratitude for the home Andrew and I have built. 'Home' here isn't modifying our physical house, but rather the foundation, frame, and comfort of our relationship. Andrew and I are both children of divorce (although my parents remarried one another and his remarried other individuals with stepparents and half siblings). That being said, we both came into our relationship with the mindset that choosing each other and growing together is a choice you make again and again. Divorce is common--in fact when I googled the 2022 divorce rate, it is predicted to be over 44% due to the pandemic. Since divorce IS common, we appreciate that our dynamic is uncommon. I can say there are merely three other couples who we look up to and whose relationship we care to emulate of all the couples we've ever met. In today's post I want to describe six practices (in honor of our six-year wedding anniversary) that make our dynamic uncommon. I do not prescribe them to work for everyone, but I hope you may find a nugget for your own relationship. 

1.) Live Life Together, Not Adjacently 
Andrew and I spend a lot of time together (and have since the genesis of our relationship). We notice many couples have full lives apart from their partners. They travel for work or pleasure regularly and separately, they go to a gathering where the wives and husbands mix and mingle separately, and where overflowing calendars and obligations leave little time to deeply connect. While Andrew and I do spend time apart and doing our own thing, that is not the primary way we spend evenings and weekends. We make plans together, connect over shared entertainment, have rich and deep conversations, and prioritize family together time. When we do socialize with others, we are still sharing the experience and spend time with other couples or groups of people that allow us to all be together. We choose to live a life regularly where we do not need to update the other on what our nights or weekends were like, and instead share inside jokes or callbacks to the memories and moments created together. Identity outside of your relationship is important but are a smaller piece of the how-I-spend-my-time pie. 

2.) Share Responsibilities as Needed, Not Equally 
We do not divvy up tasks equally nor keep a running tally. We simply figure out what needs to get done and get it done. Andrew works, but also cooks for the household. For one, Andrew is a phenomenal cook, but also, he ENJOYS cooking (where I do not). I often find recipes, punch them up, or help out if Andrew needs me to (putting on baked potatoes or any other task needed at the time). Sometimes the best way to divvy up responsibilities comes down to who hates doing that thing the least, and that is ok. I do not feel bad that I have never mowed the yard, just as I hope Andrew doesn't feel bad that I fold the laundry, make our bed, and clean the glass (all things Andrew can look right past). Our household requires and array of chores and responsibilities and we seek to fill in the gaps and needed and jump in when we are the right person for it (or step up if that person needs a break). 

This is also true for parenting responsibilities. While I am the parent who is primarily home with Genvieve, Andrew too knows her rhythm of routine. On weekends during the mornings, I often get to be (as I affectionately refer to it) "secondary parent." So, I can wake up and do my thing and if G needs something, Andrew gets it. I can wake up, go to the gym, write, run errands, or anything else I want. Sometimes I want to drink my coffee and watch G run about her room while Andrew plays guitar. But I have a break from my daily responsibility that helps me refresh and recharge. 

Communication is important here. We often create a list (which is really a conversation, though we often write it down on our shared "grocery list" note for reference) when we have tasks that need to get done. Or communicate what we need to do and when and what we might need from the other person. We do not complete tasks and keep a running tally for who did what or whose turn it is to vacuum, we just know it has to get done in the day and one of us does it based on what makes sense naturally. Most of the time that requires that I do it, but I always appreciate when I come in from a run and Andrew is vacuuming while Geneieve takes a nap. Divide and conquer, and don't hold it over the other person's head. 

3.) Fight Not to Be Right, But to Re-Align
Fighting (which I will operationally define as being in disagreement) is an inevitable element of any relationship. There WILL be times when you disagree, get angry, hangry, irritated, or simply pissed off at your spouse. When tensions are running high in our house for any reason Andrew, and I will express "we are clearly not aligned and need to get aligned on this..." We both know during a "fight" our relationship is never on the line, and instead we need to re-align. Through the years we have learned the dance of what that needs to look like for us. I can be sharp and biting, so when I need silence and space initially, Andrew has learned (because I have learned to communicate) I need space to process and if I am not given that, I will say something mean in order to get that space). I have learned that when Andrew is insistent on handling the matter immediately, that what he really needs is assurance that everything will be fine. When we come back together to discuss (usually within an hour or so) we can communicate our feelings about the situation and resolution. We form new agreements or discuss how the situation will be handled in the future and expectations. Our "fights" have always left us feeling closer and empowered us to handle a similar situation (or argument in general) better the next time around. An ideal relationship is not FREE of fights, we can lean into them and grow together through them. 

4.) Routine is Essential, But Novelty Is Valuable 
Our days and weeks are pretty routine. Andrew works out three mornings a week before work, I go to the gym in the morning on Saturday and Sunday, we go to the grocery store as a family and eat pizza for lunch and dinner on Saturdays. On workdays, we cook dinner at home, go for a family walk, and spend some time together as a family before maybe watching a show we both like before going to bed after Andrew's 9pm work call. Yes, our days are fairly predictable--some might even say boring. But this predictability also affords us the peace that comes from flow. Flow creates a dance, and we each can better anticipate what our next "step" is in the process. This allows ease and quality time to take root. 

But so too do we allow novelty to fill spaces of our life to periodically add spice to our days. If Andrew is held up at work later than normal, we decide to get dinner with G at a patio. If it's too hot for a walk with the dogs, we load the family in the car for a car wash visit and ice cream at a location determined on the fly. Or Andrew may be cooking dinner and I decide to invite friends over to join us (we cook enough on a nightly basis to provide for a dinner party). Yes, while most nights may be predictable, we add in novel and unplanned activities all the time too. There is joy in abandoning routine, but I am a firm believer than routine is an important baseline structure to family life (or at least is for our preferred family dynamics). 
​
5.) Love the Past Versions, and the Current Version Too 
Andrew is not the man I met at 16. Nor is he the man I married at 24, or even the man who I had a child with at 29. He has grown, evolved, and our relationship has deepened with the passage of time. He would certainly say the same about me. We genuinely love and support the "good enough" current version of one another. We don't have a list of grievances for how each other needs to change, but instead are a support beside one another as we focus in on our own areas for potential growth. We don't look down on the versions of us of the past either, we know those versions were important to become the version we are now (which will one day become another 'past version').

I do not believe in "soul mates." There's likely not a perfect individual who will suit every need and have nothing to work on. Rather, I believe there are many people out there with whom you could construct a meaningful life. But one must choose to love the person in front of you (as they are) and also support them as they grow (and continue to seek growth for yourself). Love is a choice and choosing to love someone and giving them grace for their imperfections allows them to give you the same. There will be seasons that are more challenging than others, and when one of you struggles, you need that other person to lean into who can not only support you through darker days, but love you through them, too. 

6.) Live For EACH Day, Not THE Day 
Every. Single. Year. We forget what day our anniversary is. I am not joking. We are always wondering if we got married on May 29th, 30th, or 31st. In fact, I have a wine bottle gifted to me from a friend with our anniversary date and if it wasn't for that I am not sure I'd ever trust we celebrated on the correct day. Part of the confusion stems from the fact that our wedding anniversary is the day after our together anniversary. Because Memorial Day fell on our actual anniversary when we got married in 2016, we couldn't use the exact day as we wanted. By the time we got married, we had already been dating and living together for years. Therefore, legally being married wasn't a huge deal for us. We chose to get married at the courthouse in Fort Worth (where they shot all the old Walker Texas Ranger episodes) with only two close friends. Andrew helped me pick out my wedding dress, bought a small bouquet of white flowers I wrapped in burlap ribbon, and we put any money we'd spend on a party into upgrades on the house we were building.

We chose to invest in each day, and we continue to do that in the context of our relationship. I still have beautiful memories of our wedding day: the power going out at one of the bars we went to and only having the candles light the space, our vows feeling so deep and intimate, and the bows that Leonidas and Tucker wore (in that same burlap ribbon) a client made for them. Yes, I hold my memories of that beautiful day, but I appreciate the subtle and simple elements of celebration. We do not go overboard on celebrating, and instead choose to reflect and connect when celebrating "a big day" in our lives.


To me, the true value is living each day close to Andrew. I am so grateful for all the versions of Andrew who have loved all the versions of me. This morning he said, "can you believe we've been married for six years?" I looked up from pumping and simply stated, "yes." "Me too," was his response. The greatest gift he could ever give me is his time, affection, and care. I am lucky that he doesn't just give me these things on the big days but showers me in them each and every day. So here's to another year of growing, loving, and living. 

Dear G, 

You've been with us one full year (okay, as I type this on the morning of your birthday it is not *technically* a full year until later this evening but close enough)! Truly, having you in our lives has been delightful. Watching you grow has been a privilege. Even as a tiny newborn you showed us that you were relaxed and calm, yet also strong and active. Each month this dichotomy of traits has manifested more. When you are ready for a nap, you come and cuddle into my lap or simply stop where you are and rest your head (and wait for me to scoop you up). But when you are awake, you are chattering away, cruising (swiftly and smoothly) around the house, and usually attempting to carry something in your mouth as you do so.  When you dislike something or are "done" you let us know, but you do great around different people and in different environments. We love how in the car you rarely need entertainment beyond looking at your surroundings out the window and the long tag on your car seat. You have incredible focus and concentration. 

You love music. We have two playlists "For Genevieve" and "Sleepy G" that we stream to the tv. You love anticipating and watching the album art change when the song does. A few favorites are "upside down" by Jack Johnson, "Into the Open Air" from the Brave soundtrack, "Trashin' the Camp" from Tarzan, and Meghan Trainor songs. We listen while you eat your solids (kibs) and have twirling dance parties that usually lead you into a giggle fit and your cheesiest grin. You actually use vocal inflection yourself and are a chatty chatterbox. Lots of dadda and mama talk too. You love your lullabies before bed, but you always get one last bit of sillies out before easily falling asleep in your crib. You love plucking the guitar strings as daddy plays and singing along with me. 

You are crawling about incredibly fast. You make these silly noises of excitement as you cruise and the pitter patter of your knees and palms smacking the floor will be a sound, I always hold dear. Your knees now currently have permanent red spots and you're starting to get bruises here and there from various "bonks." You have your routine paths that you predictably follow. One for example is leaving the living room carpet, pulling up to the circular metal end table, beating it like a drum, then moving into the kitchen, stopping to flip the corner of the rug, and then b-lining it as fast as possible to the dog food bowls in the mud room (probably because you know we are close behind and ready to scoop you up). You are smoothly pulling yourself up to feet on all-of-the-things now as of last week. It is so fun to watch your skill and confidence build as you practice. Though you still have the tendency to trust fall when you are "done" so we stay nearby to assist. 

Burlioz is your confidant. He watches you closely and if a "stranger" gets too close is quick to step in front of you to block them or barks to ask for space. If I keep him out of the nursery while you're playing, both of you go to the gate and try to get to the other (so obviously I let him in). You used your splash pad for the first time yesterday and he was lifeguard on duty, staying very close. You love sucking on your stuffed animals' noses (Lovey Leopard and Lovey Marie especially) and even have done this to Burlioz several times. Heidi Rae loves keeping close to the stroller on walks and kissing your toes. 

I find it hard to say which you love more: reading your books or eating them. You have eight teeth (and two molars coming in) and are able to chew holes into the corners of your books (that rival the ability of Macchiato). In fact, I had to move your books into the closet for now and get them out when it is time to read. I can say "Genevieve do you want to read a booky?" And you will look at your bookshelves and smile. Near the end of each wakeful period, you slow down and want to read a book or two. You understand when the book closes it is "finished" and will go "uhhhh?!" or start to fuss; though it quickly turns into a grin when I pick up the next book or start again. Touch and Feel Puppies and Kittens is your favorite book--hands down. Your daddy and I have it memorized and if we start reciting it as you're getting into something, you stop in your tracks to look at us. One of my favorite memories to date is you dragging your big, Your My Little Honey Bunny book and deer blanket into my lab, clearly asking to read and be close. While you are independent you are oh so loving and it means so much more accepting your attention on your own terms. 

You love water. Whether you're playing in your bathtub, standing attentively at your water table, or splish-splashing on your splash pad. You blow bubbles in your drinking cups and love splashing when water gets on your highchair. You also love the weaning table daddy built you and go up to it and look back at us, asking to sit and play. You chill as I run with you and tolerate 6 miles like a champ now. You ran with me in my first race postpartum and we took second in my age group! All the runners we passed commented on your happy and relaxed demeanor, and I joked how you were clearly the one doing all the work. You've been loving our playdates with friends and Jack and Avery are your besties. You love grabbing their faces and poking them (with your newly developed pointer skills). Last week Calyn and I laughed as you took your ice cream cone teether and "shared" it with Avery... twice... putting it to her mouth and grinning at us. What a great little helper and friend you already are. 

I could fill this letter with pages of moments and memories, because each day you fill our lives with moments we cherish. You are only a value-add to our lives and truly feel that everything is a little better when you are included. We are better people (and strive to grow and become better still) because of you. Somehow watching you grow and develop reminds us that we too are not done growing and developing. I am working on being calm, flowing, and present. Daddy is working on being present and prioritizing quality time. We are building a life that enables you to thrive and not just survive. Though while we are intentional, we leave space to meet you where you are (and who you are). We realize as parents we cannot protect you from everything, but we are also aware that as parents we are your models, mentors, and advocates. This is why we are mindful of our habits, words, and activities. We do not see you as a little person that ought to mold into what we need, but rather construct a new way that is optimal for all of us. We do not strive to keep you protected and safe from discomfort, but we are mindful of your environment, what we expose you to, and what resources you have access. As you grow, we continue to let go, give developmentally appropriate space, and allow you to feel the range of emotions--with us nearby if you need us. 

In each of these letters I have written you a poem. In the quarter-year letter I chose a haiku because like a haiku, you were tiny yet impactful. In your six-month letter I chose an acrostic poem because you were really developing your own personality and coming into who "Genevieve" is. For your three-quarters letter, I wrote a forward-and-backward poem since you were nine months in/nine months out. For this letter, I chose to write lyrics to a song and daddy made the music with his guitar. We still need to record it, but I will conclude with the lyrics. 

Genevieve, my girl, my heart we loved you from the very start. You're perfect, my dear, the world is so much better because you are here. 

With all my heart, 
Mama 

G's Song 

My girl, my heart
We loved you so much from the very start
You’re perfect, my dear
The world is so much better because you are here

We didn’t know how great it would be,
We love being daddy and mommy.

You crawl right now but soon you will run
We’re here for each stage just having fun.

the world may have so much pain and strive
You’re proof of the inherent goodness in life

You make us want to be better and grow
Your impact on us is bigger than you can know.

My girl, my heart
We loved you so much from the very start
You’re one now, my dear,
The person you’re becoming is unknown yet clear.

You’re calm yet intense
and small but oh so wise
We get lost looking into your gorgeous eyes

You’re independent, confident and silly too
We loving watching everything that you do

We can’t wait to see
All the wonderful versions of G
that there will be.

My girl my heart,
We loved you so much from the very start

To us,
you’ll always be
A light in our lives,
Our precious Genevieve

My girl, my dear
Our lives are forever better cause you’re here.

If there's one lesson I have learned in motherhood, it is the value in connecting to other mamas. So many incredible women wing it intentionally in their own unique way, and I want to highlight some of them, who do exactly that. If you know a mama (or are one) who would like to be featured, please email me at [email protected]. 

When I decided to start Mama Features, I knew I wanted to talk to McKenzie. She is a CEO and entrepreneur and the mother to a beautiful 5-month-old baby girl named Scarlet. While pregnant, she dealt with insane and enduring "morning" sickness, weekly flights, an out-of-state move in the third trimester, and opened a fourth office. Postpartum, she hit the ground running juggling work and a newborn and rather than hire fulltime help, has been mom-ing and CEO-ing simultaneously, bringing Scarlet to the office, on out-of-state conference trips, and exemplifying how badass and dynamic moms are. There is absolutely no exaggeration when I say McKenzie is a powerhouse. 

McKenzie shared that she sits down every week with her fiancé to do "Big Rocks" a concept by Stephen Covey (learn more here:  BigRocks | Time Management | You can design your life ).  This metaphor explores how you can best spend your limited time (represented by a glass vase). Everything can fit, if you fill the vase in a mindful order. You must prioritize your biggest rocks (the most important tasks), then make room for your medium-size rocks (urgent tasks), and finally use the gaps that remain for the sand (least important tasks, social media, emails, etc.). I want to use this structure to share "a big rock, medium rock, and sand" takeaway I had from my discussion with McKenzie. 

BIG ROCK: Strategic Flexibility 
Prior to becoming a mom, Mckenize shared how she was a creature of consistency. She lived by a specific routine and would execute (clearly a true entrepreneur at heart). Though in postpartum life, she quickly realized that flexibility was going to be important in order to maintain productivity and a positive headspace. So, McKenzie uses that Sunday family meeting to schedule in what matters most and to make space for the rest. She said non-negotiables for her each week were the need for that family meeting to map out big rocks for everyone, 3-4 hours in the sun, and time to work. She would spend the morning on conference calls in her backyard and what a brilliant way to fit in two big rocks at once. When we spoke, McKenzie had been working two days in-office and two days at home. She also carved time to have family meals, spend quality time with Scarlet, and exercise (including a mommy-and-me workout class using your baby as your weight...again hitting two rocks at once).

McKenzie emphasized the importance of prioritizing mental and physical health in postpartum life. Although she loves consistency and follow-through, she's embracing trusting the need to wing it when necessary. In fact, we needed to push our meeting time slightly for this interview (which was informal and no problem at all) and she shared how it was a stretch for her to ask but she embraced that it was what needed to be done. THIS is so important for moms to do: have the courage to ask for what we need. I think I can speak for McKenzie, myself, and many other mamas (maybe you included) that doing this can feel so challenging. However, by doing it ourselves we give other moms the permission to set boundaries. 

"Consistency finishes what intensity starts." McKenzie shared this quote with me, and I can't help but think her mindfulness in planning and permission to be flexible enables her to support her employees, family, friends, and daughter to the best of her ability. Intensity can get you far, but burning yourself at both ends will lead to burnout. Wisely, McKenzie knows how to plan, how to focus, and how to pivot. 

MEDIUM ROCK: The Mom Title 
While McKenzie shared that she always knew she wanted to be a mom and wanted to have a family, she was surprised just how much she has loved BEING a mom. McKenzie lives in Arizona, and nowhere near family. So, Scarlet goes where mom and dad go most of the time. She shares dinners at great restaurants (loving all the sensory stimulation), comes along to black-tie awards events, and even went on her first out-of-country excursion to Mexico this month. McKenzie and her fiancé work hard and adventure hard too, and they are a beautiful example of how the life you live can be amplified by the addition of a little one, and not hindered by it. You don't need to change your lifestyle to fit what a baby needs but can create a beautiful life that resonates for the entire family. Just like in business, McKenzie marches to the beat of her own drum and her version of motherhood is her own unique beat and Scarlet is thriving dancing to its rhythm. 

When I see how Scarlet has her own setup in McKenzie's office (even her own mini Apple laptop) at work or how McKenzie is present on our monthly Mastermind calls while breastfeeding Scarlet and still adding to the conversation meaningfully, I am ever impressed by the way she embraces her obligations with motherhood. She shows up with intensity and consistently follows through.

The title of mom is a beautiful one. I know it will be a cliche to say you don't get it until you are one, but I think what that statement means is truly you don't know the impact that title will have on you until you are one. This made me reflect on my own feelings attached to this title. For me, being a mom emboldens me to grow. While I have always felt as though I am a growth-mindset person, I believe it has sharpened my desire to grow and remain aligned to my values. Rather than seeking growth from a place of lack or a need to be better, I do so with greater compassion and love (not only for Genevieve and others but myself too). I do not have space for gossip or negative people. I have more patience and a deeper desire to value connection. I strive to seek gradual improvements each day instead of trying to redline myself with a Big-Gulp-sized goal (aiming for a 10K instead of a half marathon for example). I am simply more present and joyful on my journey, and when I spoke with McKenzie about the title of motherhood, I know that parallels her experience as well. 
​
SAND: Support System
I mentioned McKenzie doesn't live near family and is an active CEO of a company with four offices in different states (and in the process of opening two more). How on earth does she do this and care for Scarlet? She describes ways she does utilize help and support. For the first month after Scarlet was born, McKenzie's mom came to bond and assist. Gushing at their sustained connection from afar, McKenzie shared how the Facebook Portal (video conferencing device) enables her mom to "babysit" Scarlet (with McKenzie nearby of course). Since the device focuses in on the subject if it moves, her mom can read to Scarlet and watch her while McKenzie can be in the room but have her attention divided. 

In the office, there is an employee that loves babies and will take Scarlet during a presentation or meeting. Whether McKenzie works from home or the office, she will also utilize an Uber-Nanny-like service (uniquely only in Arizona right now) called BusyBees that links nannies and sitters to mothers. You can work with a favorite nanny or find someone new, and it is a great way to secure childcare on a flexible basis (daycare usually requires full-time payment and traditional nannies are a costly commitment). I hope this service takes off, because I know so many families who would benefit from this type of service. Fortunately, McKenzie does have a good friend who lives in the area who comes and spends time with Scarlet as well, and who was vital when both she and her fiancé were down with the flu.

Each circle of helpers for mamas looks different, but we truly get by with a little help from our friends (insert any word here like family, coworker, etc.). While support may be under the 'sand' category, it isn't because support is less important, but this support fills in where we cannot--just like the sand does in Covey's metaphor. 

Wanting to link the interview to the concept of the blog, my last question for McKenzie was "how does winging it or intentionality play into your experience as a mom?"  She laughed and said, "it's basically the whole experience." She went on to say how she is intentional about the way she shows up each day. But each day she wings it in HOW that looks. McKenzie is at the opposing spectrum of me in terms of careering in mamahood: her a CEO and I a stay-at-home mom. I am here to say one is not better than the other. I have found so much value in sharing my journey of motherhood beside McKenzie and other mamas--similar or dissimilar to me. I hope your tribe is broad and that you too can learn from and connect with all the ways motherhood can look, we are stronger for it, and I know our daughters will be too. 

Months ago, I found a quote that had a powerful impact on how I view motherhood. While I didn't save it, the quote read something along the lines of, 

My eyebrows raised and with a deep inhale and long exhale I considered these words. At the time, Genevieve was still a non-mobile babe. But in that moment, I realized how many versions of G had already departed. Goodbye to the little newborn overhead stretches, goodbye to the milk drunk tree frog that passed out on my chest, and to that little tongue that was seemingly always outside of her mouth.

And now, months later I realize we are beyond her phase of rolling across the room to get everywhere (including to settle in the crook of my body). Less romantically, we are beyond the phase of her laying still for diaper changes, and she now rolls and grabs at anything she can. This last example is not my favorite (especially when she grabs and turns the wipe warmer on its head). Though I am reminded that soon enough this phase will come to an end as well because along this journey, all things do pass. A habit or phase you are experiencing right now: whether you love it or are feeling frustrated: will pass. 

This realization hit me like a strong gust of wind (a resonant example with how ungodly windy our weather has been these past few weeks). When I look at my now ten-month-old G, I see that her hair is growing longer and starting to wave, her newborn grunts have morphed and become intentional sounds, and she crawls with speed and gusto.  

Yesterday Genevieve crawled out of her room and into the hallway towards the guest bedroom across the hall. Previously, anytime she entered this threshold where the carpet transitioned into the hard floor, she'd pause, hold herself in her lean-to-sit position and look back at me for a reaction before continuing on. On this day, she simply kept her momentum and eyes on her path ahead. In that instant, I felt a mingling of emotions. But as I looked at that poufy diaper butt, the voice in my head lovingly reminded me to "keep letting her go."

And with a smile, I watched her go.

When I say "letting her go" I am not talking about removing attachment or creating distance. In fact, I have still yet to have a babysitter for G and don't plan on having one any time soon. But what I do mean is I need to continually expect change and respect the present version of Genevieve, who is continuing to form in front of my eyes. Now that she is crawling everywhere this means allowing her to have space to explore, possibly get hurt, and to lick the floor (something she loves that makes me cringe). But beyond physically giving her more space, I need to mentally and emotionally let go too. This little person, whom I love so much, doesn't need me less: she needs me differently. 

Rather than mourn the loss of the stages we are beyond, I instead I revere the phases that have been a part of our experience. I try to take picture or video snap shots to remember moments or phases, I journal about them to commit them to memory, and I see the more complex 'version' of what she looks like or does and remember the more rudimentary version we are beyond. Don't get me wrong, there are of course pangs of sadness. However, there is an appropriate place for us to feel sadness--it isn't always a bad thing. When I notice I am feeling that sadness I breathe through it and acknowledge the sensation. As I fill my lungs with air, I too fill my heart with joy from those many moments I will forever cherish with the 'Genevieve of the past,' and how absolutely perfect she is in this moment that I am with right now. Because as I know, this version too will pass. 

When I watched Genevieve crawl away from me in that hallway it reminded me that she will continue to move away from me in myriad ways. I don't mean that she will not be in a close relationship to me, but rather than her world will only continue to expand. Think of the analogy for how a parent's heart grows when you have a baby. The love of your baby doesn't take up a huge (limited) space in your heart, but rather enables your heart and capacity of love to expand exponentially. My role as her mother will continue to expand and change as well, and my intention is to accept and adapt to what each phase calls for as her world grows.

​While I know so much winging it goes into the transition to a new phase (whether that is a non-mobile baby to a mobile one or even a child transitioning to a tween and then teen), intentionality is important too. I seek to find the awe and wonderful attributes of each phase and focus my attention on them. When Genevieve was a newborn, I tried to flow with our 2-3 hour feeding schedule and not focus on my lack of sleep. When G blew out her diaper after her 2 am feed EVERY night for two months, I patiently sat and waited for her to go before attempting to go back to sleep (and calmly changed her diaper, pjs, sleep sack, and sheets--no hyperbole, EVERY night). When Genevieve enters the teen years, I know that peers become more important than the family unit and to brace myself for verbal spars and eye rolling. In that phase too I will support her as she needs and not as I *wish* she needed me. 

An important outlook for me as a parent is not to see Genevieve as "my baby forever." Instead, I wish to hold her as a person who I will love forever. Genevieve is ever becoming, and I want her to know I value who she is--not my favorite version of who she was. I will hold all those joyful memories in my heart. Though I will too, remember my heart (thanks to her) is ever expanding. 

We may need to say goodbye a million different times, but isn't it incredible we get to say hello a million different times too?  

Meal prep is not a foreign concept to us thanks to bodybuilding. I've had prep plans where I eat a meal containing a 3 oz. serving of steak, chicken, halibut, and egg whites all in a single day (every day). That being said: the decision to make all of Genevieve's food from scratch seemed totally doable. We opted to go the pureed-food route as opposed to baby led weaning. Therefore, I will be speaking from my experience thus far using pureed foods for her meal prep. I know many parents who opt to make baby food freeze servings and pop them into the microwave as needed. However, we never liked prepping our own meals this way, and instead preferred fresher foods and prepped meals every 3-4 days; this is the approach we take with Genevieve's meal preparations as well. 

Routine and Meals Overview 
Genevieve eats three meals of solids per day. When we first introduced solids at six months, I started gradually with one food (a new food every three days to give room to determine any reactions) and one evening feeding. As I built that into our routine, I added a second morning solid food session. This would sometimes be a "lunch" and other times a "dinner" based on our schedule. Then we moved to a pretty consistent "breakfast, lunch, and dinner" routine. So since about 7-7.5 months old, our schedule has looked like this (I do not keep a rigid time schedule but instead follow this "habit" for wakeful periods): 

Routine of Bottle/ Solids/ Sleep: 
Wake for the Morning 
First Bottle of Breast Milk 
First Solid Feeding (about one hour after bottle)
First Nap
Wake/ second bottle of breast milk 
Second solid deeding about one hour after bottle 
Second nap 
Wake/ third bottle of breast milk 
Third solid feeding (about one hour after bottle)
Fourth and last bottle of the day (at bedtime) 
* Lots of play and activity in the wakeful periods before and after feedings of bottles and solids and she sometimes wakes for another bottle in the night, usually 4 am and returns to sleep until 7-8 am 

This rhythm works very well for us. Genevieve is always hungry for a bottle upon waking and works up an appetite for solids an hour after that. Her bottle intake varies. Sometimes she will eat only 1-2 ounces at a time, and at other times she will finish a whole 9 oz bottle. She averages 5-7 oz per feeding. Genevieve has always had a slightly higher-than-average intake of milk. 

While we are mindful to introduce new foods to Genevieve, we are very relaxed about it. So, when we make our weekly grocery list, we ask ourselves (What hasn't she had yet? What is seasonally available?) or we may see something interesting at the store and try it out. In our experience, it often takes Genevieve 3-5 attempts of trying a new food to like it. We always (casually) add a new food to her plate but take it slow and don't force her to eat a lot of that food. We find she comes around and eats it well once her taste buds have had some time to adjust to the taste. So don't be discouraged if your little decides they "don't like something." Keep trying and don't worry about food waste because it is part of the process to explore new foods and flavors (our dogs get her leftovers as toppers and enjoy it immensely. While we do introduce new foods to Genevieve, I will describe the general three-meal structure we follow daily. This offers Genevieve a variety of foods per day but is also fairly regular and predictable which is easy for Andrew or me to anticipate. We also introduce allergens on weekends or on a slow day in case we have a reaction that needs our attention and keep baby Benadryl in the house. 

General Meal Breakdown: 
Meal One: Oatmeal, Nut butter (peanut butter or almond butter), fruit in a mesh "Muchkin fresh food feeder" (usually blueberries, raspberries, or blackberries), and sometimes eggs (scrambled or pureed)
Meal Two: Half a container of "Stonyfield Organic Baby Yogurt" (I save the other half for the next day), green veggie puree, orange veggie puree, protein puree, and a few cheerios 
Meal Three: Half an avocado (save the other half for next day and wrap in press and seal wrap) mashed with a chunk of mashed banana (saved from my breakfast), green veggie puree, orange veggie puree, protein puree, and maybe some cheerios
* Sometimes meal two or three will also have white or brown rice puree or quinoa

The Purees
Now that I've described what the overall structure looks like, I will go into more detail about our purees. Like I mentioned in the intro, we keep our foods in the fridge--you can freeze your foods and they will last longer, so keep that in mind when I describe how long we "keep" our purees. You should always do a sniff or taste test to ensure quality and freshness. 

Purees and Time in the Fridge: 
- Protein Purees: 24-48 hours (we go with 48 hours unless the protein is fish) 
- Veggie Purees: 3 days 
- Rice/ Quinoa: 2-3 days 
- Oatmeal: 4-5 days 

We keep our purees in glass prep meal containers that come in different sizes. This set is perfect for us and makes storage easy. I was also gifted small, individual-portion containers and use those for occasional fruit purees, yogurt, and for portions to pack a lunch when we are on the go. We use masking tape and a permanent marker to write what is contained and the date made for a quick reminder. 

Since food before one is primarily about supplementation, exploration, and building an understanding of eating, we lead with veggies and always keep a "green" and "orange" veggie mix in the fridge. We focus much less on fruit and usually will give her blueberries or a banana because those are the fruits in the house that I eat. G is prone to diaper rash, and we notice when her fruit intake is higher, the rashes seem worse. We usually buy an additional fruit like cantaloupe, mango, papaya, or raspberry every other week and make a puree and give at meal 2 or 3.

Her green veggie base is often a mixture of greens, but we almost always use zucchini. We will add in spinach, broccoli or green bell pepper as well. Her orange veggie is usually one veggie and is most often sweet potato, but we also use carrots and butternut squash. Her protein puree varies and is often related to whatever we are making for dinner. We will cut off a piece of salmon, chicken, ground beef, or ground turkey to make a puree without our added salts and seasonings and in a pinch, it's always easy to use eggs. I also use canned foods like corn, black beans, and a combination of peas and carrots (all organic and no salt added) to keep in the pantry just in case. 

How to make purees: 
If the vegetable needs to be steamed, broccoli or fresh green beans for example, we use a pot and steamer on the stove to do so prior to pureeing the food (though if you wanted you could buy those bags in the fridge or frozen to steam in the microwave) and then simply add to the food processor on the puree setting and add water gradually (I use the boiled water) to get the desired consistency. If the vegetable does not need to be steamed, you boil them in a pot of water until tender before pureeing. Sweet potatoes take the longest (between 12-15 minutes) but zucchini only takes about 5 minutes. Keep in mind the smaller the pieces the faster they will cook. Then you follow the same process of adding to the food processor and adding water until the desired consistency is achieved. Canned foods are the easiest--though we always rinse them thoroughly and then add filtered water to get the desired consistency in the food processor. We boil chicken or use a frying pan with extra virgin olive oil (a great way to add calories and healthy fats) to cook her meat portions and again follow the same process with the food processor. With the eggs we make them scrambled or sometimes puree them--Genevieve initially only enjoyed them pureed, but now enjoys grabbing the little hunks of egg with her fingers and feeding herself. 

Sometimes I make purees during Genevieve's naps or even start the process while she's in her highchair and amidst feeding her a solid meal. Andrew will often meal prep while cooking our dinner, or sometimes in the evening after G has gone to bed. We don't have a locked in way of doing it, and it usually only takes 30 minutes or so to prep a couple purees. Most of the time we only need to make one or two items and we always keep canned food in the pantry for convenience. Occasionally we won't have something, and we just omit it for that meal because it really isn't a big deal to not have a green veggie for meal 2 or a protein for meal 3. I have bought (but yet to try) the baby pouches of baby food and keep one in our diaper bag in case we are out and about and she's hungry for convenience. You don't need to make EVERY baby food your kiddo eats, but it can be a great way to limit their intake of additives and preservatives and is also much cheaper than pre-made baby food you purchase at the store. Andrew and I value nutrition and eating a whole-foods-based diet and so we want to continue exposing Genevieve to that as she grows. 

The Stuff that Helps 
When it comes to feeding, you do not need a million plates, bowls, and cups specifically for baby. I have one *nice* water-only sippy cup I use for Genevieve that I love. She has access to this all day long but not at mealtimes since I want to keep it clean without needing to deep clean it due to food debris. I use open cups and one silicon sippy cup at all solid feeding sessions. As it relates to plates and bowls: buy dishwasher and microwave safe options! I have a cute bamboo set, but we rarely use it because it cannot be microwaved (Genevieve prefers her meals heated slightly--I do 12 seconds). Honestly, we use our normal bowls and miniature plates to feed her, and they work great. I have tried myriad silicon spoons and found one set I love (fortunately it comes with six spoons...have lots of spoons). Though Genevieve loves eating off of a regular metal spoon, and I sometimes opt to use that (though I am the one doing the feeding with those). 

I purchased a dry erase board for the fridge to keep track of what was in the fridge as well. I have played around with what I capture on the board. Originally, I thought it would be important to write what she ate for each meal. This was helpful initially but soon we stopped writing it in as we got used to the groove of what we gave her each meal. Our current board is set up like this:

On the left there is a column titled (In the Fridge) this lists all purees in the fridge (we don't write down if half a yogurt or avocado are inside because we can prep them so quickly or see easily upon opening the fridge). The column next to that is titled "Need to Make" if we are on our last day of a food, we write in the item needed in that section (and strike through the food in the first column so we can quickly see it is IN the fridge but know it won't be good by end of day). We don't go into specifics but say "protein," "green," or "orange" because we know what that means and have an idea of what is on hand from that week's grocery shopping, I may add a specific like "rice" or " fruit puree" if it is something a bit abnormal from our standard list. Next to that I have a section called "Other" and Below that write a space for the day of the week and current date. This captures all the information we need to know or communicate to one another since we share responsibilities as partners. Below is a list of those items I have mentioned for anyone curious. 

Materials We Use 
- Food Processor (Ninja® )
- Masking Tape & Permanent marker 
- Silicon Plates and Bowls 
- Silicon Sippy Cup ( Bella Tunno® Girl Boss Happy Sippy Cup In Purple | Bed Bath & Beyond (bedbathandbeyond.com)
- All-the-time water bottle ( Amazon.com: Baby Soft Spout Sippy Cups, Learner Cup with Removable Handles, Leak-Proof, Spill-Proof, A Straw Brush, Break-Proof Cups for Toddlers Infant, 9 Ounce (Green) : Baby ) 
- Glass prep containers ( Anchor Hocking® 20-Piece Storage Container Set )
- Small Plastic Containers ( Amazon.com : melii Snap & Go Baby Food Freezer Storage Containers & Snack Containers - Set of 6, 2oz : Baby ) 
- Silicon Spoons ( Amazon.com: PrimaStella Silicone Rainbow Chew Spoon Set for Babies and Toddlers | Safety Tested | BPA Free | Microwave, Dishwasher and Freezer Safe : Baby )
- Magnetic Dry Erase Board and Markers ( Amazon.com : Whiteboard Magnetic Dry Wipe Board Self Adhesive A4 for Any Smooth Surface with New Stain Resistant Technology,Home Kitchen Fridge Shopping List and Office Notice Board (Black 12” X 8”) : Office Products ) 

Genevieve is a very curious and adventurous eater.  Our solid food journey has been fun. Watching her eyes light up when a favorite food (yogurt) is offered or seeing her evolve from only eating pureed eggs to the joy of feeding herself scrambled eggs with her fingers is so rewarding. Prepping your own baby food takes less time and work than you'd expect. Food nourishes the mind, body, and spirit and we are mindful of the relationship with food we are helping Genevieve foster for a life of health and happiness. Food is fuel and fun! 

Hands down, the Hatch sound machine was the registry item most widely recommended to me (and completely lives up to the hype). We have used this device ever since G came home from the hospital for every night and nap. Why use a sound machine? While these machines do not aid (primarily) in helping your little fall asleep, the purpose is to help them stay asleep (and more easily self-soothe from a nightmare or disruption). Although the saying "slept like a baby" is often used to indicate a hard and deep night's sleep, once you have a newborn you will quickly realize that is NOT an accurate characterization. Instead, a baby's slumber is filled with grunts, rousing, and occasional cries. 

An Overview 
Hatch offers four sound machines that vary in features and price (ranging from $40-$120). I opted for the Hatch Rest ($60) because the features aligned with how I wanted to utilize the device (I didn't need the clock or Alexa functionality that comes with the Rest +). So, as I speak to the features of this device, I am using my own frame of reference using the Hatch Rest specifically. If you want to compare models you can do so here: Hatch Rest - Baby Night Light Sound Machine | Hatch

Simple and minimalist is the best way to describe the look of the Hatch. While off, the device is a soft, white color with no visible buttons or lights. The device has smooth lines and resembles a cone-ish cylindrical shape that would look nice in any nursery. The buttons for the Hatch are on the bottom of the device and are out of eyesight of little ones; though, the child can easily turn on and rotate though favorite presets by touching the top of the device.

The device is linked to an app: Hatch Sleep. The app is intuitive and easy to use, can connect multiple devices (if you have them in multiple rooms in your home), and allows you to easily toggle the settings without entering your child's room. With eleven soothing sounds, ten preset nightlight colors (and an ability to choose any color you wish from a color wheel dial) you can customize your child's Hatch to fit their own unique preference. There is a timer function, if you know how long your kiddo generally naps and a "Programs" function where you can set up a range of time, you'd like the Hatch to be on and what sound/color you'd like to use: for example, I have one for "bedtime." 

How I Use It
When I first got the Hatch, I thought I would use the beautiful, mild, and low sound of birds chirping in nature. I envisioned using a fairly bright cream or green light and that newborn Genevieve would find this as serene as I did. LOL, NOPE. Instead, I found that Geneieve sleeps best with a very dim light (in red or deep purple). After doing a little research, I actually found that these colors stimulate better sleep than the lighter tones. Red creeps me out, so I use purple instead. Genevieve is not soothed by the birds chirping or even wind or waves. What does she like? The static sound of a television or the rolling dryer options. And the girl likes them LOUD. It actually took ME a while to get used to listening to them when I slept in her room or even now as I hear them through the monitor.

But they work wonders. If I use the app to turn the sound louder it actually calms her down at times when she's struggling to rest. I remember while pregnant, reading how making a loud "SHHHH" sound soothes baby, so it really isn't surprising that the television sound--loud--calms Genevieve to sleep.  Apparently, this is similar to the sound of rushing blood in mama's belly and is therefore a soothing and familiar lullaby. Usually, I have the sound situated at 24% but I will turn it up to 36% if there are loud disruptions in the house or if she is struggling to settle to sleep. 

The only program I have scheduled currently is Genevieve's "Bedtime." I set the hatch to turn on: dim purple light and television static on 24% at 6:53 pm and scheduled off at 7:53 am. Andrew likes to make fun of this weird timing, but usually we are starting to settle to rest just before 7 pm and she is always awake just before 8 am. If we go to bed earlier or wake earlier, I simply tap the device to turn it on to the correct setting and the program will kick in automatically at the preset time without me needing to adjust anything. Genevieve's nap times and durations vary, so I do not schedule them but rather tap to toggle the settings manually. 

The device allows you to set six favorites via the app. So, if you go to tap the top of the device, you are able to switch through those favorite combination light/sound settings. I set up mine intentionally. The first is her "Bedtime" setting, the second is the same light setting as her "Bedtime" but the sound is off. This allows me to quickly "turn off" the Hatch without using the app. I don't mind the light being on, but I do not want to hear that sound. My third setting is a rotation of rainbow colors without a sound. The next is lullaby music with a dim purple light. The next is a cream-colored light with forest sounds and the final is a green light with birds chirping--I will describe the purpose of these choices in the next section. 

Part of our "settle down" routine for naps and bed entail me holding Genevieve and having her tap the top of the Hatch to find the bedtime setting. She loves doing this and when we walk over to the Hatch, she will stretch her arm out to touch it and will do so a number of times before we settle on the right one. Of course, she really enjoys launching it off of the bookshelf, and so I can happily report the thing is VERY sturdy... This device has really helped Genevieve sleep through my vacuuming, the dogs' barking, the doorbell ringing, and other disruptions in the house. She might hear the disruption and stir but will most often resettle into her slumber. I will say Genevieve is not the most sound-sensitive baby, but I still believe it has helped us sustain sleep regardless of disruptors. 

Hatch in the Future
One thing I am particular about is Genevieve sleeping in her own room. We started her off in her nursery from the get-go and our bed is already overflowing with Saint Bernards, so we cannot safely add in a tiny person (seriously, some nights Andrew just sleeps on the floor next to the bed...). To establish this meant that in the newborn days I slept in the reclining glider in G's room or Andrew slept in the guest room next to the nursery. A small (temporary) price to pay for a habit I am grateful for. 

So as Genevieve gets older, I am also particular that she remains in her room until she has "permission" to leave it. I am not against snuggles in our bed as she enters the toddler years, or cuddles after a nightmare. Though those things will not evolve to a fifth body in our bed every night. I plan to use the Hatch to aid me in establishing expectations and a habit for when G can venture out of her room in the morning. 

Using my last two "favorites" (cream-colored light with forest sounds and green light with birds chirping) I will program them to turn on to signal to ​Genevieve she is able to leave her room and it is time to be up for the day. Therefore, Genevieve will know that if the Hatch is still purple with the television sound (or maybe a different combo if she wants to help choose settings as she gets older and can communicate preferences) she must remain in her room. By remaining in your room, I do not mean she has to stay in her bed with her eyes sealed shut. If she wants to get up, move around, play or read: she can do that. Because I also plan to use the same system of green light to signify leaving her room for naps as well: we will have a "quiet time" period regardless of if she falls asleep. My expectation will be that she remains in her room, occupying herself with rest or quiet activities. 

What I love about the app is I can set a program/timer for the transition, but I can also just decide it is okay for her to get up and turn on the "green light" manually without going into her room or changing the timer/program setting. This is also why I didn't want the Hatch Rest + with the time displayed on the device. I want her to respond as a toddler to the color rather than learning the time and trying to go off of that or noticing "it's not TIME for bed yet." The Hatch's colors and sounds can help us as we ease into bedtime "Oh look, the Hatch is purple and sounds like bedtime! Let's get our books and start settling down for the night." Or I can put my voice over the monitor "Genevieve, the light is green, you can come on out or keep reading if you'd like!" We can create habits and hold expectations. This is also helpful for safety, so Genevieve isn't exploring the house if we are still asleep. I am very aware that this strategy is a plan and can be subject to tweaking and changes. However, I believe intentionality, practice, and consistency will aid us in making this system work *most* of the time.

Just as I have been very mindful about how and what foods I introduce to Genevieve, having a strategy and plan are helpful. Of course, that requires patience and repeated effort, and mild tweaks of what is expected. Genevieve has learned to like salmon and to enjoy texture to her oatmeal, and I am confident that she can learn how to look to the Hatch for signals for when to rest and when she's free from her room. This is also why I have thought about how to implement the habit ahead of time. If I would have started introducing Genevieve to processed, sugary foods from the get-go, she might be a pickier eater. If I didn't try calmly and repeatedly to introduce foods she initially didn't favor, she wouldn't enjoy them now and expand her palate. I wanted to introduce her to a variety of nutritious non-processed whole foods and the time and energy it takes to prep and introduce these things has been well worth it. I feel the same about holding intentionality to this process, too. If I waited to use the "green light" routine after Genevieve was disrupting Andrew and my rest or was choosing to leave her room on her own, it would actually be harder to break the bad habit. So, starting with expectations means she knows no other way and more easily flows with the expectation. 

                                                                                                       ...
So, whether you're wondering if you should add a Hatch to your registry, or little's room, or purchase one off the loved one's registry: I say do it!

As a child with a rather large extended family, I dreaded hugging every relative upon arriving and departing from social gatherings. My defense mechanism was to simply be hugged, rather than embracing back (or I'd offering up a side-hug with my lips in a tense line). Then there is the memory of an uncle who tickled me until I peed myself. Another, of my repeated efforts to flee a man who would try to pinch my cheeks when he came to my mom's work. My uncle responsible for that embarrassing moment (one I was teased about for years) is a loving and kind man. The gym-goer who chased me around to pinch my cheeks was teasing in that "fun-loving-way" and meant no ill-will. Regardless of their harmless intent, the impact on me was negative and lasting. So too was the guilt I felt about needing to embrace every family member at gatherings. I mention the above examples related to touch to express partially why I am sensitive to the importance of body autonomy and boundaries. 

While Genevieve is young, Andrew and I are responsible for helping others understand and respect her body boundaries. This means that if 9-month-old Genevieve decides she doesn't want to be held by someone, she doesn't have to be. Actually, G has been a very independent kiddo from the get-go.  She fights being cradled and dislikes swings and bouncers that hold her. She'd much rather be free on a play mat and prefers falling asleep independently in her crib. Though at this time, she is very willing to be held by different people without any fuss. Developmentally, babies have separation anxiety from their parents. I see no need to "fight" through this stage, but rather believe it is fine to accept this temporary quality. By respecting her stage of development (that will change as she progresses) we hope to foster a positive association with touch. 

Genevieve has a very large extended family. Already she has twelve aunts and uncles, three sets of grandparents, eight cousins, and four living great-grandparents--all of whom live hours away from her. That being said: it is very likely that she does not inherently understand the "label" attached to the individual who wants to hug or hold her. I do not want to make an assumption that Genevieve will not want to embrace her extended family, but I too do not want to assume that she does. Rather than saying "go give grandma a hug hello!" We will instead say "Would you like to greet grandma with a hug, knuckles, or wave?" In this way we give Genevieve a limited number of choices. Developmentally open-ended questions are too much for kiddos; so, I would not want to say, "How would you like to greet grandma?" Though if G decides she really likes handshakes, and decides that is the way to greet everyone, that is a-okay with us. 

Another important concept of this exchange is the response of the person Genevieve is greeting. If someone uses emotional appeals "grandma would be so sad if you won't give her a hug..." or "show grandma how much you love her with a big hug!" Andrew and I will not only use that moment to (with emotional neutrality) express that Genevieve has choices for how to interact with this person, but also have a conversation when G is not around about avoiding language that may guilt Genevieve into stepping on her boundaries. Our hope is that extended family and friends will be patient and understanding as Genevieve forms her own bond (on HER terms) with each person. Prior to returning to visit with extended family I will share a message about choice in greeting, patience, and emotional appeals. This is simply to help avoid awkward moments and help everyone interact from the same page. 

Body autonomy is more than just hugging and holding though. While we adorn Genevieve in bows and dresses for now, we will be mindful of her preferences as she forms them. So, if she decides bows aren't for her: we will support that. If she decides she wants to wear a dress every day, we support that too. In fact, when G is old enough to weigh in on her own clothing, I will always put out two options for the day for her to select from (again, kids like a limited number of choices at this age rather than an entire closet of choices).

We also respect her autonomy at mealtimes. As her parent, I can control what she has access to eating. Genevieve is in control of what and how much she eats. I want her to learn to trust her cues for when she is full. Similarly, I will respect her food preferences and aversions. When introducing a kiddo to solids it often takes 5-7 introductions for them to like (or tolerate) the food. Genevieve hated salmon at first, now she eats it every week. Previously, she only ate eggs pureed, but now loves them scrambled. This shows preferences evolve and by continuing to calmly and without force offer different foods and preparations of them to her, she is able to explore and interact with them on her own terms. 

Another important element of body autonomy is understanding the appropriate terms for body parts. Genevieve will not hear "who-ha" or whatever other silly term is used for private parts. Instead, we will use correct anatomical words: vagina, labia, penis, testicles, breasts, nipples. Using these labels also helps protect Genevieve from inappropriate touch. A child who is able to use these terms is better able to thwart an abuser and would be better able to communicate to a trusted adult any inappropriate experience. 

When Andrew and I discussed the topic of having a baby we only disagreed on two things. Ironically, I would not have thought of them as related to the value of fostering body autonomy. While I was in support of circumcision if we had a boy and piercing baby's ears if she was a girl, Andrew disfavored both. In fact, his argument was that both dismissed the child's choice in the matter was what convinced me to change my position. To me, it made sense to circumcise because traditionally that is what is "normal." Then I wanted to pierce our daughter's ears because it wasn't until the third time as a young adult that my ear piercing took; I thought doing it while she was a baby would be easier and she'd be happy it was "done" already. However, Andrew's argument was valid: the kid deserves a say in something that permanently alters their body. 

Genevieve will be raised to determine for herself how she embraces those in her life (including us as her parents). We will respect her boundaries and help others do the same without having expectations or using guilt. I understand that there is a learning curve. Older generations don't inherently think that you should ask a little if it is okay to pick them up before doing so, or simply give them time to come to you instead of expecting a hearty embrace from the start. Like Ted Lasso says, “Well, you know my philosophy when it comes to cats, babies, and apologies, Coach. You gotta let 'em come to you.”   How much more meaningful is a hug or kiss when the kiddo is excited to give it?